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Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

Posted by LadyCaroline (My Page) on
Mon, Oct 1, 12 at 2:40

I married my husband 23 years ago and i love him but not the way he tried to push his sons on me. I found out 15 years ago that I couldn't have children of my own and to me step-children were second best. Some may settle for that but not me. I told that to God the last time I prayed to him 15 years ago for my own biological child that if I can't have what I want then I will have nothing at all. My question is how do I get my husband to accept that I don't want his children in my life?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

Tell him honestly and directly...keep the emotional stuff out of it.

He may, or may not ever "accept" it, like you want him to...you have no control over that. The only thing you will ever have have complete control of (and this goes for many aspects of life), is what you do if you don't get the answer you want.

If more people realized this aspect of life, there would be a lot less drama in the world.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

I will have to agree with pp in that he may never accept it as you say. Since I'm assuming that your DH's children are grown, how involved would they have to be in your life anyways? When there are get togethers DH can go without you or if they are coming over you could make yourself busy out of the house.

I will say if my DH said he didn't want my bio children in his life at all, I would be very hurt. In my case, my DD16 doesn't have the greatest relationship with my DH but they are civil with each other at this point and I am grateful for that.

Is there something that the kids have done that caused you to feel this way?


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

Guess I don't understand as to why you take out your childless disappointment towards the stepchildren. Not their fault you could not have children of your own.

Not sure as to why you're so 'proud' of being 'toxic' either. If you don't desire a relationship with the SKs, be honest with your husband. Why carry on for 15 yrs and just now decide to make this big announcement to DH? You don't have to love them, like them or even entertain a relationship with them. If you habor such resentment odds are these SKs are well aware of how you feel.

Simply excuse yourself from the interactions. But if you're actually meaning that you desire DH to severe ties and forget he has children also, this likely will not turn out well for you. While you can eliminate your own socializing with the SKs you can't expect your DH to dump them from his life...just your part of it. If you tell DH you're 'done' with his children be sure he understands you're not trying to say he is done too. You're given no indication in your posting that DH wants no part of these children in his life. Don't make him feel bad/guilty and/or have to choose. Just make it clear you do not wish to participate.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

You ask this question after 23 years of marriage and after knowing for 15 years you cannot have kids??? What are you really doing here? You are lucky you even got some nice responses, now please go away


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

I can't imagine how hurt I would have been if my step-dad had acted that way to me. With the way you are treating them, I'd have to say, you deserve to not be able to have children.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

You don't have to treat his child as your own and you don't have to love the SS as your own. I respect that. BUt I think you have to treat his son with respect and not contempt.

Personally, as a former widower, I would kiss any woman GOODBYE if she does not treat my children with some respects and kindness. I just expect my wife to be respectful of my parent-child relationship.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

" I told that to God the last time I prayed to him 15 years ago for my own biological child that if I can't have what I want then I will have nothing at all."

Um, has it occurred to you that it's not a good idea to try to bully God around? Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. IMO, you owe God - and probably everyone else in your life - some BIG apologies. Change your ways or you will be even lonelier and more miserable than you are now.

Take a breath and count your blessings. I'll give you one to start: You can thank your lucky stars that your husband is way above average in decency. Trust me, even a normally decent man would have shown you out the door 15 years ago and not thought twice about it.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

I think the posts in reply to your original post are insensitive and rude. I suspect that they are also young. And naive. In spite of that, maybe there is a little truth in what they write? I don't know. I think that you are free to have a relationship with who ever you want to have a relationship with and if you chose not to have a relationship with your DH's child, you only need treat him how you would want to be treated. I imagine you want to be treated in a civil manner. I have a gf who did not want a relationship with her SD or her SD's bm and made that clear to her husband. I wish I had payed more attention. I had a relationship with my DH's children and his ex (I got him to seek mediation when she violated the court order and took on his battle) and believe me, if I could rewind time, I wouldn't do it again. It was a thankless task. Neither he nor his kids remember all that I have done for them and when they treat me poorly, he protects them. So, no, not everyone loves their SKs. Some of us start out with the best of intentions and end up like me; some never bother; and some have great relations. Every situation is different and you have to live your own life and take care of you. I learned this the hard way. I see women give everything to their SKs and the SKs just run over them (another gf was shocked after years of battling with her DH because he wasn't kind enough to his kids, the SKs ripped HER off). Believe me, it isn't about blaming others. It's about accepting who we are, what we need, and finding ways to find the peace and serenity we all want. For the past 5 years, whenever my SKs are around, I am busy - sometimes intentionally, some times I really just am busy. I decided this last year that I won't spend another holiday with them until their father and them quit pretending I'm the problem and learn to behave in a way that is "normal." He is free to spend time with them and like divorced parents, he can have them one year, me the next. I don't need to make a pronouncement about this, I just told him that I want to focus on "us," not the "family," and that he is welcome to have a relationship with his kids and that I just don't want to do the same. After 20 years, I am done.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

Amazing, a narrow minded, close hearted person, proud of being a 'Toxic' Step mother, could named herself "lady".

Apparently being as old as she is, she still does not understand the meaning of "LOVE". Its God's grace that she could not have kids.

I doubt the husband is above decency, otherwise it would be hard for him to put up with this type of hateful, self centered, mindless nonesense. Really feel sorry for his sons.

This post was edited by azmom on Wed, Feb 6, 13 at 20:35


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

you seem bitter that you couldn't have our own kids. Did you even give the stepchildren a chance? I understand how they can be, as posted by Contemplating above. I've had a similar experience, you do everything for them and in the end they act like you've done nothing. It can be a thankless task and if that's the case I understand your position. But it seems like you gave up before you even started. That's not fair to your husband, not fair at all. I hope everything works out for you. You can't give God an ultimatim. I think you should pray again and this time ask God for His help. Good luck to you. And everyone else who bashed the poster here, people come here for help. Get off your high horse and offer some advice or you're the one that should go away.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

Wow I knew someone that's step mother treated him with contempt and tried to pass herself off as a good christian, but honestly she was a mean deeply flawed person. The reason she didn't like him was because he was a child from a different woman. If you can't accept the children and give them dignity then you shouldn't deserve him or his children. You knew he had kids and still stayed with him while being proud to resent them. That is just horrible! I think you have some deep seeded issues and you need to seek some counseling, You need to learn humility and generosity.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

I think after all this time the point is a little moot but, this is obviously not the whole story. Seems a little weird to tell you the truth. Maybe the poster is just trying to get a reaction.
That being said, I know I have had it with my SD. I have given all I can and I still get treated like dirt. SO even stated that he will never side with me and that if I did not like the situation I should just pack and leave. This after being together for 8 years. In the past she has spent summers with us but started getting in trouble at her moms. So bad her own mom had to call the cops and have her hauled to juvie (this started when she was 10)
He just got custody of her last June. And me paying for most of his attorney fees and an enormous amount of emotional support this is what I get. He got what he wanted and is done with me.
Life was good before her living here full time. But, I think I detached emotionally when she started telling her mom bad things about me. I just shut down. I am pretty much over it. Unfortunately I am the type of person that can just walk away and move on rather than put up a united front and tackle the situation. I guess I just don't have the fight in me and SD does need her dad. He needs to be there for her and I am ok with that.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

I agree, I think there is more to the story also. I do not beleive you have been married for 23 years to him and 15 years ago found out you could not have children. I beleive you are recently married to him and recently found out you could not have children. You cannot be married to a man for 8 years and not have feelings for their children and then all of a sudden be proud to be a toxic stepmother and proud of it. I think you married him with intentions of getting his children out of his life! Things just are not going your way, and hopefully do not! Maybe if you did not have evil intentions God may have answered your prayer the first time. You referred to his children as second best, I think you are in second or you never would have posted your so called feelings. I am sure you are not even second best to them, you can feel the evil in your post! And then you bring God into it, UNBELEIVABLE!!!!


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

I too, think something is missing from the original post. After 23 years, you decide you do not want a relationship with your stepsons? A little late don't ya think? I doubt anyone ever asked you to mother them. They are adults. Have an adult relationship with them. After 23 years, you realized they are part of the package with your husband? Were you hoping to have your own children and for him to forget about the others?
I would politely suggest you talk to a therapist. If your post is true I think there is a much bigger issue.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

To sensibleshoes - all teens - especially girls - go thru a stage of asserting their independence. I have 2 DDs - now ages 29 & 23. When my 29 yr old DD rebelled it was against my DH - her Step dad. He hung in there & gave her respect and now they are best friends.

IMHO - your Step D is acting out and directing the action against you, just as my DD did against my DH. Hang in there - love does indeed conquer all.


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RE: Being a Toxic Step-mother and proud of it.

To sensibleshoes - all teens - especially girls - go thru a stage of asserting their independence. I have 2 DDs - now ages 29 & 23. When my 29 yr old DD rebelled it was against my DH - her Step dad. He hung in there & gave her respect and now they are best friends.

IMHO - your Step D is acting out and directing the action against you, just as my DD did against my DH. Hang in there - love does indeed conquer all.


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