'I don't recall who is a SM, a BM, both or neither.'

16 years ago

An idea - in my continuing quest for us all to get along (I'm gonna get my Brady Bunch one way or another!!) I propose we all "get to know" each other so that we can refer back to this if we can't remember who is what. Nothing too deep or earth shattering, just a brief bio, blood type and SSN should do. :-)

If we each start a post with our "name" as the topic it should be easy to refer to. Watch, I'll go first . . . .

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Comments (31)

notwicked
16 years ago
Hi All -

I have two grown sons and five grandchildren. As a BM, I worked hard at showing my boys' SM that her involvement with my sons was important - to me and to them. I made sure that she was properly introduced and included as a SM when my sons' fiancees had their bridal showers and later, their baby showers. I made certain that my sons acknowledged her each year on Mother's Day and on her birthday. She was not excluded whatsoever and, because of the classy lady she is, we have a good relationship to this day. I always look forward to seeing her at the grandchildren's parties. According to the principle of Karma, I should receive a nice BM, right?

As a SM, my experience has not been so good. I came into DH's family six years ago with a desire to join. That did not happen. His adult children were not welcoming and neither was their BM (who caused the divorce b/c of her infidelity with a coworker).

DH & I have worked through many hurts and sadnesses especially caused by SD. And some of the problems have been caused by BM's negative input which we have personally witnessed for ourselves. At this point in time, we are holding onto the hope that things may look up in the future as SD matures.

As for SS, things have been moving slowly in the right direction and we are able to get together every once in a while with he & his fiancee who live several hours away.

Things I enjoy.....

DH/family/friends
movies
reading
nature walks
photography
music
laughing :))
Jonesy
16 years ago
I was a stepmother for 33 years. I didn't have any step children living with me, 2 were married and the other one was in jr high and visited us over night on the week end. I treated them like my own children, Sunday dinners and holidays, bar-b-cues, watermelon feeds, etc., at our house, it was great for awhile. My problem was the BM because the man she left my husband for decided he couldn't leave his family, then she wanted her former/my husband back. He filed for divorce and tried to have me evicted from the home. He left me for two weeks decided that he loved me more than he thought he did and he came home. But it left me emotionally scared for a long time. I eventually rented our rental house to her and we became "cordial'. We had a common problem and that was her children trying to break both of us because they didn't manage their finances. I could talk to her about this and I couldn't with my husband. Continuing to borrow from us caused us problem that ruined our relationship with all of our kids. None were sick and couldn't work, just went shopping and couldn't pay their bills with what they had left. My husband died in April and I haven't seen them, I wouldn't answer the phone if they called.
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Comments (57)
I understand your situation so well. My boyfriend is ultra touchy about his 5 year old too so I know what it feels like to be in a no win situation. And I've often felt like an intrusion myself. My boyfriend can shout very ugly insults to me as well when it comes to his child. I also understand your disappointment about possibly not having children with your husband. I never considered myself maternal, but I fell so madly for my boyfriend that I actually thought one day it would be great to have a child of our own, but that possbility is very small. He's crazy about his son, but his arrival was not planned and I don't think my boyfriend wants to do it again. There are so many negatives to staying in a situation like that for me that I'm considering cutting my loses as hard as it will be. For you, since you are married and in way deeper than I am (at least legally), I would try counselling. Dealing with three children that are not your own, I can only imagine how overwhelming that is. If your husband won't go with you, then go for yourself. But try to do it with your husband because sometimes people are so clouded by what means so much to them (your husband's children) that they can't see what they're doing until a 3rd party points it out. I know it easier said than done because my boyfriend flat out told me he won't do counselling. It really broke my heart. He's extremely cold at times and it's sad. But even if your husband won't go, you still probably need to go for your own sanity.
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dirt_yfingernails
16 years ago
Both. SD's were grown and live out of state, which both DH and I are grateful for. My three DD's live out of state. 21 year old son is still at home and in college and working full-time to pay his own way through school. We are raising DH's 13 yo DGS who has special needs. I am co-guardian for my DB who is disabled from strokes and diabetes.
sweeby
16 years ago
I'm mostly a BioMom to DS 16 (who lives 2 blocks away with my Ex and a lovely StepMom with whom I get along well) and DS 11 (DH's and mine) with special needs. Ex has NPD and is not particularly involved, except in a 'trophy' capacity, but since it's important for him to appear to be in charge, his wife (StepMom) and I make the arrangements and co-parent pretty effectively.

I'm only 'technical StepMom' to DH's kids, DS 33 and DD 26, but we all get along and treat each other with consideration and mutual respect. DSS lived with us for about a year, but was an adult then, so I didn't play a role in raising either of them.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
never been a bio-mom.

been both a step-mom to young ones (mom very much in the children's lives & I had them lots of holidays & vacations & most week-ends); that marriage ended when children were still in grade school.
also been a "father's wife"-he had adult children.
on my own now, been where a lot of you have been/are.

I like long walks on the beach, good wine, & poetry (it's a joke!)-

I like dogs & gardening & peace & quiet.
sieryn
16 years ago
Well I'm a SM to SS7 and SS11, have been taking care of SS7 since he was in diapers. DH has full custody of both boys (BM is rarely in the picture) and we have three more DS2, DS1 and DS-Newborn of our own. SS11 has had some hard times adjusting to his mothers addictions but this last year he's really come around on his behavior and schoolwork so our house has been pretty turmoil free.

I'm also a recently new SD, my Mom died of cancer and my Dad promptly remarried a woman who absolutely hates everything that was in his life before her. So I get the joy of being on both sides of that coin in two very different scenarios.

Other than that I'm a corporate techno geekette for one of the largest communication companies (tv internet phone all that jazz) in the us, DH is in a similar field. When I'm not on call I like movies,tv, furry critters and science fiction!
mom_of_4
16 years ago
I am both- I am a BM to my Dd 4. Her father is no longer alive (committed suicide two days before her second birthday). I am also SM to three; DS 10, DS 8, and DD 6. Up until, about a month ago all of the children lived with us. Mostly, my problems revolve around a BM who does not involve herself with the children but doesnt want anyone else to do it either. From one day to the next we have no idea what she is going to do or say. One minute she wants the kids, to be super mom and makes plans to pick them up do homework etc etc... then the next she changes her plans becuase she cant make it for one reason or another. Even, with the recent "switch" to them living with her for the school year... they still end up with us most nights and we are still the ones shuttling the kids everywhere. Up until recently we took a dont rock the boat status on everything .. because legally she is the CP and we should be paying her child support. However, for the last two years the kids have lived with us and we have recieved no support. Interestingly enough, after she moved in with BF she decided she wants kids for this school year... apparently last friday she filed for child support to be taken out of DHs check.... this has opened a whole new bag of worms with a woman who wouldnt even answer the phone to talk to her kids, feed them or dress them appropriately for more than two years. We thought we were doing the right thing by agreeing to the kids living with her this school year and not fighting it because we assumed she was interested in the same thing we were... the kids being allowed time to bond with mom...

Obviously, we were mistaken and there were other motives involved and now we are looking at a very uphill battle to do what we feel is right for the kids.
quirk
16 years ago
Neither. Yet, anyway.

I am a stepdaughter. My parents separated when I was 12 (divorced a year later). I have a mom, a dad, three brothers (no halves or steps), a SM, a DMMSW (Dude My Mom Shacks With; could also be known as mom's long-term live-in boyfriend but that acronym MLTLIBF is just too long), a boatload of NESSs (Not Exactly Step Siblings; i.e. kids of DMMSW), and when I joined THS a couple years ago (mainly for kitchens, which I was remodelling at the time), I poked my head in here mainly out of curiosity but didn't stick around.

Anyway, I'm now dating a man who's divorced with grown kids and a couple of grandkids, and it's a whole new realm for me. So far, it mainly involves me trying to wrap my mind around the amount of time involved with having a family (me, never married no kids, halfway across the country from my own family, him, exwife, three kids, two grandkids with another on the way plus all his sibs and extended family living in the area) that I'm not yet a part of. Plus dealing with him complaining about how spoiled his kids are ("but, aren't you the one who raised them"; "yes, dear, your kids are ungrateful brats"; "no, dear, you're all wrong and kid is right" I'm pretty sure are not the correct responses although I've gotten away with mild versions of all of them), or issues he has with XW (not touching that one with a 1000-ft pole). But if things continue to go as they are, it'll get around to developing a relationship with the kids and grandkids and I'm sure dealing with exwife who he talks to pretty regularly with kid/grandkid issues. This is my first relationship with kids or exwives involved, so I'm giving some thought to the step relationship from the step-parent rather than step-child side of the aisle.

Families are complicated.
plasticgarden
16 years ago
My husband and I share a bio child of ten years old together.
I have 3 step daughters who are ages 18 and 15.(two of them are twins)My husband never married their moms,he was pretty young when he had them.

None of my step daughters live with us currently,although one of the 18 year old twins may be moving in with us so she can go to College in our state.(they live very far away from here)
I'am 30 and my husband is 36.

I'am also a step daughter two times over. Although my mom just seperated from stepdad number two after 12 years of marriage.
cawfecup
16 years ago
cawfecup Still "newlywed" 2 years

DD22, lives on her own, Moved out when she was 20 just before I got married.

SD18 Mom has been MIA for more than 10 years. Within the last week quit her job and dropped out of college.

DS 15 was living with dad (Weekends here)moved in here (weekends there) to go to a better high school.

SS12, SS9, SD8,
Hubby is CP. Their mom is the main source of friction in our home.

If I do anything for them she complains(to the children) I am overstepping my bounds... if I do nothing for them she complains (to the children) I have to do more.... no win situation... there is no happy medium.

Someday I will find it :-).
kathline
16 years ago
is both

I have four children of my own, all boys. The oldest is disabled, and is 24. Then 22, 18, and 13. The 24 year old lives in a group home, the 22 year old lives on his own,although he ends up here most weekends, and the 18 and 13 year old live full time with me and my husband.

Husband and I have been married five years, together for seven. He is 8 years younger than I am. He works as a scientist, I am a SAHM.

I am stepmother to two, a girl 12, and a boy 10. Originally they lived full time with their mom, and visted with us EOW. Husband was transferred , and then we had only long distances visit for about a year, which sucked so badly that husband found a new job close to the kids. Real mom was charged by CPS for hitting and biting the daughter, at that time 10 years old. When husband found out, he got joint physical custody, and real mom got ordered into therapy. She has improved and since remarried. We have the kids two nights a week, plus a three day weekend every second week, a full fifty fifty split time wise.

My husband's ex wife has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, she is much improved since she began therapy, and my husband and me have also learned ways to deal with her, through the filter of her illness. Her new husband is difficult. He tends to try to control the issues, instead of letting mom do it.

The only one of the children having difficulties at this time is the 12 year old girl, and the two households have different ways of reacting to her problems, which is what drove me to this board.
wimom27
16 years ago
I am BM to 6 children daughter(23) who has a son and is going through a divorce right now. My husb. and I are currently raising her son (17 mos) in our home; My son (21) is in the Army Reserves and is engaged to his HS sweetheart who has a little boy. The rest of the kids live with us at home still--- daughter (17), daughter (almost 16), daughter (14), and daughter (12).

I am also SM to my beautiful and talented SD (13)who also lives with us full-time! My husb. has full legal and physical custody of SD.

We live approx. 6 hours away from both my ex and his ex (we moved because of a job offer for my hubby). We meet halfway for the EOW and holiday exchanges, so kids are still on the same visitation schedule as they would have if we lived closer. In fact, there have been many times that we will make the drive all the way and visit friends in the area while we are there!

My ex is so easy to work with pertaining to schedules, child support, kid's needs/wants, etc... it is GREAT! Then... on the flip side, my husb's ex (BM to SD) is horrible to even try to communicate with on every day things, she is very inflexible, demanding, rude, manipulative, and just plain impossible! Forget switching a weekend! She makes it very clear that her life is about HER and has very little to no concern about what is best for her daughter.

Anyway, I am here to mostly get help learning to deal with my feelings towards BM as well as just to have a place to vent occasionally and get advice on things as they come up.
kkny
16 years ago
Winom,

If your DH chose to move, and i understand it was for a job, I think the mom is doing a lot of compromising to meet you 1/2 way.
wimom27
16 years ago
I understand that both of the ex's are compromising to meet 1/2 way, and that is great! BUT that is not where we have any of the issues. Problems arise when BM will not consider SD's wishes to switch (not lose a weekend... just rearrange it) for SD to participate in her sports, fair, or other activities. This is only even approached a couple of times a year when an activity falls on BM's weekend. BM gets rude and mean when asked if she could/would switch. In fact, there have been times when my husb. has even offered an additional day or even a HOLIDAY weekend to switch for a regular weekend so that SD can participate in something.... Even rearranging a phone call to a later time ends up becoming a fight. Just stupid, ridiculous every day stuff becomes a major battle with BM.
notwicked
16 years ago
Can we please keep this post free from replies? It's much easier to look up someone's bio if this post is only used as such.
lonepiper
16 years ago
I don't know, I kinda thought that JNM wanted us to each start a NEW post with our "name" as the title just like she did with the post entitled "Notjustmartha."
cawfecup
16 years ago
bump
justnotmartha
Original Author
16 years ago
You're right lonepiper, but whatever works!!
Good bump cawfe, I think we have many new people to get to know.
hecallsmemom
16 years ago
I posted on the other also, but just for giggles, I'll post here too.

This was a very good idea ladies! Maybe it will bring us back around to thinking of each other as fellow women, mothers, and wives/girlfriends rather than just a name on a screen. That's my hope anyways.....

Once again, I am Nina, I'm 29, DH is 37. We have been married for 2 years, together for 1 1/2 and friends before that for 3 years. We're a strong couple going through some really rough times with our kids. We've learned along the way to ship the kids off to Nana's when we need some couple time and to not be afraid to call Mom and whine about the kids. They always listen and then tell us where we're messing up.

I was married once before, and he was married twice before. My son is from my previous marriage and his daughter is from a previous relationship that didn't make it to marriage.

We have two kids as far as we're concerned, my son who is 11 and his daughter who is 13 and then we have our cat who is the other child (Besides DH! Ha!) in the house. Not sure about other kids (see other post), but we're thinking about it.

We both have odd senses of humor, mine running on the slightly sarcastic side, and while he's a total homebody, I'm a bit of a daredevil, when the kids aren't with me of course.

I refuse to drive a mini-van OR a volvo, though there is nothing wrong with them, they just don't suit me. I just honestly can't see me pulling up to DS's or SD's school in a mini-van. Ha!

So now that I'm done rambling, I'll say that I appreciate all of you, honestly & from the bottom of my heart. Even those of you with I'll say "strong opinions". This forum may need a little work, but you won't find a bigger group of women (and some men!) more dedicated to their children. Rather than getting mad and taking it out on the kids, we come here. This is our "scratching post".
Keep on ladies!
pseudo_mom
15 years ago
bump
mom2emall
15 years ago
I am both. I am a biomom to one ds. I am a full-time stepmom to 1ss and 2sds. Their bm is what Sweeby called a "trophy parent". She is involved when she wants to show off. She moved out of state 2 years ago and just moved back a few days ago. So she went from not seeing and rarely talking to the kids to being a thorn in my side the last few days!

Most people just know me as a mom to 4 wonderful kids though.
silversword
15 years ago
I'm a BM to one, SM to one, and a "skiddie" myself. (that is just too cute, I had to steal it.)
ceph
15 years ago
Neither at the moment?
FDH and I are getting married in November, at which point I will be SM to his 9yo son, A__.
junegemstar
15 years ago
Lol Silversword, feel free to use it. If I'm not mistaken, I got that term from somewhere on this board.....

I am a SM to my 3 skids, 2 girls and a boy. I've been their SM for the past.....2 weeks and so far it's been really good. I've known them for about 2 years now, and I haven't really had any issues with them, other than me adjusting to having three kids around. (That was difficult! I have no kids and I couldn't understand why everything was so loud and chaotic! But we all adjusted smoothly, and now I love having them around.)

Ceph, that makes you FSM :)
organic_maria
15 years ago
I am both. and i'm also a stepchild. I am a biomom to my DS 3 and technical SM to SS 10 and SD 13. They come EOW and now adays once a month from SD cause she' s teen and those are the years when its her life and no one else..lol..to be expected. Been married to my hubby for 6 years. And hopefully will find out soon if i'm expecting ..... never thought i'ld be excited to pee on a stick!! ahahhaaa
There has always been friction with BM who i completely ignore and the number one rule in our house now is do not speak about her and her business is to be kept out of ours. Works great, no fights wih hubby and he cuts the convo short with her as well when she begins a fight. She now married for the last few years so her hands are full and also has no tiem anymore to fight. So things have been quiet and i think we all like it like that.
mom1sm2
15 years ago
I am a BM to a very determined 3 year old girl. I am the SM to a very outgoing 10 year old. They get along famously and love each other so much it makes me teary sometimes. They even fight sometimes which I find so cute since they are 7 years apart.

Becoming a stepmom was really easy as my SS was extremely accepting of me. He is a very loving child with a heart of gold. He and I sometimes drive each other nuts, but he is a great person and I am lucky to have him in my life.

I have been married for four years and with DH for six years. I love married life and having a family.

I am 29 and my husband is 30. My DH works in the medical field and I work as a work-at-home-mom also in the medical field. I love working from home and the flexibility that I have. I also love working part time.

I enjoy decorating, gardening, landscaping shows, coffee, going to the mountains, festivals, animals, my family, and weekend mornings!!
doodleboo
15 years ago
Divorced and re-married to a wonderful man who has two 5 year old twin daughters from his first marriage.

The girls live with us full time. Mom isn't too much on the scene.

We are expecting our first child together in January...another little girl. It will be my first biological child. We are all super excited! :)
believer
15 years ago
I was married with custody of 1st SD for 13 years. She is now 33 and still in my life. I divorced and was a single parent for 12 years. I am remarried now and we will celebrate our 3rd anniversary on Oct. 7th. I now have a SD10 whose mommy died of cancer when she was 6. My other SD30 has two kids so I have 2 SGKs ages 4 and 6. I am the mother of a 20 year old daughter and a 16 year old son.

I have 2 cocker spaniels which I love dearly. One is my 4 legged soul mate. He loves his mommy madly.

I worked in a factory for 20 years and became disabled with a chronic sciatic nerve disorder in 1999. I was in college to become an elementary school teacher but quit. I regret it.

I'm an artist. A gardener and a stay at home mom. I like to read, laugh, talk with my kids, go to a cabin in the summer time, swim, go for walks and decorate my home. I am 49.
fiveinall
15 years ago
I am a ft SM to SD (DH has full physical and legal custody since a toddler) and ft BM to 2.

my experience has been positive as a SM I wouldnt change it for the world, the only thing Iwould change would be SD BM choosing not to be involved in her life, it makes SD sad and therefore makes me sad..however this may be why my experience has been positive since i have no bm to deal with!
athlete2010
15 years ago
Hi justnotmartha,

I'm in the neither catagory for a different reason. I'm a stepdad and a dad.

I've been married for 11 years and my two stepkids are now adults. My wife and I have an 8 year old daughter together.

Athlete
momof5angels
15 years ago
I am a BM of 2 boys (ages 15 and *almost* 12)
I am a SM of 3, 1 girl and 2 boys (girl age 13, boys ages 11 and 9)

We have sole custody of all 5 children (so ages are 15, 13, 12, 11 and 9.) If I hear "You sure have your hands full" ONE MORE TIME......... Hahahaha!

I have been married for 3 1/2 years. With my DH for 5 years.

I have a work at home business (subcontracted marketing) which is a huge blessing considering all of our youngins (and is also why you will find me here at various times of the day and night. LOL!)

'I don't recall who is a SM, a BM, both or neither.'

Comments (31)

notwicked

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'I don't recall who is a SM, a BM, both or neither.'

Comments (31)

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justnotmarthaOriginal Author

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justnotmartha
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