Seems that the common things for crazy BMs especially my bf's ex are:
- totally messy house (seriously her house is filled it piles of crap and dirt)
- BM doesn't work and lives from child support (she claims she is a student, which would be OK if she weren't saying that to everybody for already 10 years, with a note that next year she will get a degree. Never happened.)
- kids wear dirty, stinky, small clothes (any nice fitting clothes kids wear back to their BM's house never comes back, her house is a total black hole. Not surprising considering point 1)
- BM doesn't support any after school activities (not even play dates, or sleep overs, she keeps kids at home watching TV and play PC games. I asked what they were during the last spring brake and they said: playing PC games, eating and sleeping!!!)
- BM feeds kids with junk food (the sample of their lunch: plain pasta, or jelly sandwich, gummy worms, chocolate, coke. She even tells them that drinking dark soda is good for them because it contains caffeine!!)
- there is no routine, no rules at her house. (Kids can basically do anything they want, and they know exactly what buttons to push to get what they want from her. Kids just don't function well at her house, refuse to do HW, refuse to shower, refuse to do anything. Her response to this is, that they have mental issues!!! She literally drags kids to psychiatrists to diagnose them with something to prove that it is not her fault. When we say that kids function at our house without any problems, she comes up with a "theory" that kids are afraid of us so they obey what we tell them!)

Oh my, I can go on and on, very frustrating.... not to mention alienation BM does, which makes me very angry.

Poor kids, I wonder how they turn out. We try our best to teach them the right things but it is hopeless when they come back from BM brainwashed.

Why doesn't your BF try for primary custody since things are so bad?

If the court does not change custody to dad, then my advice would be to let it go. Send them home in the same clothes they come in or buy thrift store duds. If you live close enough, dad can offer to pay for activities... you and/or dad can offer to pick them up & take them. If you are in court battle now, when the final ruling is made, that can be asked in court if dad remains NCP. Dad doesn't have to have custody to step up his involvement if mom is lacking on those things. When it's all said & done, maybe he will look at his lawyer bill and realize he could have paid for private school, tutors, after school activities and so much more that the kids NEED. That is the sad side of Family Law. After we spent about $10k on the first trial, the court gave them 50/50. Fortunately for DH (Unfortunately for SD), BM moved away a few weeks later and GAVE him custody... too bad it wasn't before he spent all that money on our attorney. Every dollar spent fighting is money taken away from caring for the kids.

However, consider this: a trial will bankrupt you - and the stress is even worse than the expense. Most courts rush to order 50/50 these days because it's the easy solution. Even if, by some miracle, your bf wins custody, you'll end up with two angry, hostile and very messed up kids living with you fulltime. This won't be good for anyone.

My stepkids are a little older than your stepkids and we're just starting to learn now the extent of the psychological damage that they've suffered. Much of it likely occurred long before the divorce. There is only so much that you can do for your stepkids - and rescuing them from BM is an unlikely solution. Ima has some good suggestions (like protecting their clothing and taking them to activities at your house).

Here are a few more suggestions that worked for us:

-investigate private lessons (for swimming, skiing etc) that can be scheduled when the kids are with you. Private lessons are more expensive, but we found that the kids needed fewer private lessons than group lessons (especially when they were missing half of them).

-buy some items at the thrift store that you don't mind losing if they take them to the BM's house.

-get your stepdaughter some magazines about health and fitness. She's at an age where body image is important. My stepdaughter is now worried about her weight and she demands better food from BM.

-get the kids into counselling. You probably have no idea how bad it is at her house, or what the kids have suffered. They likely need a lot of help.

And - most importantly: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! I cannot overstate the importance of this advice. You will not be of any help to anyone if you are exhausted, impoverished and burnt out.