Hurt feelings.....

12 years ago

Ds13 really hurt my feelings tonight. He was in trouble for being disprespectful. His punishment was that his later bedtime was revoked and he had to go to bed an hour earlier. Before bed he came to me and apologized for being disrespectful but then proceeded to make excuses for it. I thanked him for the apology, but told him that if he means it then instead of making excuses he will work on not being rude or disrespectful in the future. So he started in telling me how "stressed" he is because of school, etc.

Then he goes into telling me how his dad is his best friend in the whole world and the only person besides his friends he enjoys being around. He tells me how his dads house is so calm because he gets to just chill all the time there. I ask him what he thinks he is doing each night when he is playing video games, watching movies with me, or playing games with me each night before bed?? EVERY night before the kids head to bed I play games with them that they enjoy!

So ds just tells me how wonderful his dad is. bla bla bla

I am so hurt right now!!! His dad is not stable and moves a lot and always lives with people. For the past few years he takes him overnight maybe once a month. Other times he will just take him for a day. Of course its fun time!! Its a weekend.....no school, homework, chores, sports practice, etc. On days he is at home and we have nothing going on its chill and he gets to relax. But during the weekdays its just a little hectic. Thats life. But he equates it with me and its somehow my fault?

I know its a teenage perspective and I should take it with a grain of salt.....but it hurts. I am the one who has ALWAYS been there for him and does all I can for him. I have made sacrifices for him while his dad has always been free to live his life as he wants. And somehow his dad comes out as the good guy :(

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Comments (7)

imamommy
12 years ago
At 13, maybe he is trying to find his identity & wants some reassurance that his dad is a good guy. He may know deep down that you are the one he can rely on & the stable place but kids usually identify with their same sex parent to help guide them into who they are going to be as adults. He is a part of his dad so maybe he does not want to think his dad is not wonderful. He may also be feeling a need to have a closer relationship with his dad at this age. I know my son's father cut off contact with him when he was around 12 & that was probably the time in his life that he needed "male" guidance. (In my son's case, it would have been more detrimental to have his father involved because he was involved in drugs, abusing his wife & committing thefts which eventually landed him in prison) But, if your son has a decent relationship with his dad, he may want to glorify it a little. Kids don't want to see their parents in a bad light ever... even when they come to the ugly truth & realization that their parent is a piece of garbage, they would rather make excuses or find someone to blame besides the garbage parent. I'm sure there are exceptions but it is usually into adulthood that kids see their parents for what they are/were... usually after the kids have their own kids & realize they would never do what their parents did to them.. to their own kids.

I'm sorry it hurt your feelings but I'm sure your kids know who does what for them. But, would you really want any of your kids to tell you how horrible their dad is? My daughter's father met her for the first time when she was 12 & wanted to start seeing her. She was so excited that she was finally going to meet him & get to know him. He flaked on the first visit, left us waiting there for two hours with a lie, until we found out he was really in another state & had no intention of seeing her. She was devastated. He tried to contact her again when she was 17 & they talked several times. Then she found out that he was keeping her a secret from his wife & kids, after he told her they knew about her. (well, his wife knew about my daughter from the beginning but they never told their kids they had an older half sister) That one lie was enough to sever the trust and my daughter decided he was a lying S.O.B ~ P.O.S. BUT, when she tells me how she really feels about him, it's with tears in her eyes and her pain is my pain... as much as I don't like him, I wish he'd be a better person for HER. If she came & told me what a great guy he was for doing something.. no matter how small, I would feel good about it because she feels good about it.
justmetoo
12 years ago
I saw a bit of that when my SGS was here a few weeks ago. He had spent the whole summer with SS and was on his way home to BM. I could not help but think SGS was in for hard adjustments when he got home. SS was Super Dad aka Best Friend all summer and now he was going home to routines, different expectaions and a BM with a different lifestyle than SS.

No more staying up late with Dad. No more having breakfast each morning at the coffee house and hanging to talk the town gossip and/or latest fishing tales. No more jumping on the motorcycle and cruising all weekend with no real plans, just doing whatever the day brought. SS could spend all summer with his work schedule just being Fun Dad and SGS was included in Dad's 'social life' almost as a little equal.

Well of course the SGS thought Dad was the bestest papa ever, especially at this age (he's 14), what young teen would not think doing what and when one pleases was preferable to having to share attention with siblings. Follow household chores and remember there are 'ladies' in the household.

Don't get me wrong, SS is a good father and SGS is a great kid, but he really is living two different lifestyles and I'm sure he compares one home to the other, one parents expectations vs the others ect. It's just little things for now, but I think another year or two SGS will have a bit of a rough spell sorting it all out. Dad just got him his own phone, BM did not think he needed one. Dad has a cycle waiting for SGS, BM hates bikes. Bm thinks (and is planning for) SGS going to college, Dad thinks SGS should do the military like he did (though college funds are in place should SGS decide college after HS)

Though I'm glad SGS has a good relationship with his father and that SS is a concerned involved parent, I can't help thinking that SS makes being BM hard for BM and for the first time I can see that if I were BM I'd want to smack dad off his high horse and to try and stop making things more difficult for BM when SGS is home.

I don't have any advice or suggestions for you IncMom other than I don't think your son's feeling about his dad really reflect on anything you've done or not done...I think it's something perhaps all teen boys going back and forth between homes kinda face. I don't think it's anything personal about you or your parenting skills/ability and I'm sorry what your son said hurt your feelings.
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Fran,I am happy you addressed this,it was tearing my heart out watching a few of my buddies at odds with eachother. You all are great ladies and of course have different points of view. I am probably sticking my nose in where it doesnt belong,but from both negative posts, I got that the fact, there was no communication with them and,that this person was posting elsewhere for trades and such,was the part that was most upsetting to them.I find it hard to swallow that either of these ladies were nasty and that is why they were avoided. Maybe emails did get sent to spam,it seems there was alot of miscommunication and confusion in these trades. That is why it is important for people that know they have trades out there to touch base,I bet if both of these ladies had been contacted and told what was going on,there would have been no negative post or hard feelings. It is understandable that when someone has tragedy in their lives that they would not be thinking of seed trades,and I am sorry to hear that this person has suffered as she is,it really is alot for one person to take. But at one point you do have to take care of your commitments,even if it is a brief email saying..."I didnt forget about you.Please hold on a bit longer"... This situation can be a valuable lesson for others,communication is golden and it can avoid alot of, what I consider a tragedy, here. I hope there is a happy ending to all of this,I don't like seeing people I care about hurting or on the defense. I know this is really none of my business,but it has been bothering me, and from an outside point of view,I think there can be resolution in this and that everyone will come out smiling! I dont know the person all this is about,but I do know you ladies,some better than others,and I know you all have hearts of gold and are great people!:) Oh, and Fran, I do believe that the PO can be not so dependable....dont get me started on that!...lol.... ~Angie,who hopes no one is mad at her for this post!
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I wasn't trying to tell Love to pretend. I'm saying that Love should carefully choose when the best times to shed light on WBSM so that Dad's perception is not clouded. The difference between KKNY and Love is that KKNY is the parent sticking up for her child (Mama Bear... we all have her in us!) and Love IS the child. Totally different dynamic. In order to say she won't tolerate snide comments etc. she will have to prove somehow to Dad that she's not just misinterpreting the actions of *poor* WBSM who is so *misunderstood*. In my experience the only way to do that is to move a little quicker (once you realize the name of the game she is playing) and not do anything that could be misconstrued as being petty or vindictive or sulky/whiny/childish and have clear proof that is not TOLD to dad but SHOWN to dad. Of course, in my situation dad had to see it time and time and time again with different people, and he kept excusing SM as being really *nice* but that people *for some reason* just didn't see that side of her. Finally enough people gave him such similar feedback: "dude, your wife's a beyotch" that he listened. The last instance was him and her telling me what constituted a "good hostess" and listed the people who were, and who weren't. When my dad was talking to me alone later I said that it was kind of ironic that SM would be dissecting the hospitality of others when so many had negative experiences at her home. (we've come to the point where if I put things gently enough, pointing them out gently then stepping back, my dad will kind of discover/realize on his own) He was shocked, and realized that people who weren't "nice" to SM.... well... she's not particularly that "nice" either. Hm... now what? I suppose someday we'll be at a place that we can just talk about it without me fearing I will be misinterpreted. But, in my case too, this all started when I was 18. Love has enough years past 18 that she can approach it with a little more dignity than I did; first crying, telling dad she was mean to me, saying she did *little* things; looks, gestures... actions... that looked like they were nice but were really passive aggressive; next pointing it out right when it happened "see! THAT'S what I'm talking about"; next, removing myself from their life; next, bending over backwards to make her comfortable ie shut her up and then feeling horrible and crying after; finally, outmaneuvering her by being strong and kind and exposing her actions as she goes. Not pointing. Not talking. Letting her dig holes in front of me then stepping out of the way and watching her fall in. And then, the hardest part: not laughing, pointing, calling attention. Letting her call attention to herself. I'm just sending out the warning. Being direct does not always work and can make things worse.
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Colleen summed it up. My dear nephews did the same thing. Their mom wasn't a nurturer, doesn't have a maternal bone in her body, and I had them every evening after work and all weekends long though they did sleep at her home except for weekends. She rarely heard them call me anything as they were always at my place, but one Christmas, the youngest made me go inside to her parents' home where she was. He said, "Mommy, look at this!" w/ exuberance over a little car she had bought him (she never did very much for the boys so when she bought them anything, it was a big deal to them.) Anyway, the next day, he looked down and sadly said, "Mommy, my 'nother mother' told me I could never call you 'Mommy' again. Is that OK?" I said, "Honey, I'll always be your 'Aunt Mommy'and I'm your Godmother, but your 'nother mother' had her feelings hurt and that's all. You can call me 'Aunt Dana' or just 'Dana'." He was relieved, slipped a few times afterwards, etc. It was sad, but I don't hold it against her. She was jealous, etc. The BM in your case is just a little pathetic w/ her inability to get it together. Hearing them refer to you as "mom" was a blatant reminder of just how unavailable she has been to the children. It's very sad. Anyway, I fully understand your frustration, but please ignore it and don't ask the kids about it, etc. I bet they go back to calling you mom when they return. If not, it's because she has put a guilt trip on them and again, as hard as it may be, just go w/ it. The poor kids willingly called you "mom" because there's a lot more to being a "mom" than giving birth. Most women can be a mother, but not everyone earns the title of 'mom.' They figured that out on their own so rest assured that they know on some level your level of commitment to them. The kids are conflicted. Their grandparents might even have had a talk w/ them. What ever happened w/ the plane and dates? D
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When my father died... my siblings didn't argue over who got what my mother handed out what she thought each should have ... WW2 medals and flag to my sister in the army. His gun collection and huge maps of europe to my brother. Oldest sister nothing ... younger sister and myself nothing. Eight years later when my mother died. My siblings and I gathered to figure out who got what but I had a list my mother had made of what she wanted who to get. The rest was up for grabs. Then the fighting started ... we bickered over petty stuff ... I finally went in took what I was supposed to get and they could fight over the rest. And they did ... they still continue to fight ... 12 years later fighting over pieces of "stuff". My mother and her 5 siblings were surprised to find out they were due huge inheritence.. back in the 80's the oldest sibling was beneficiary. She was supposed to split it equally between all six. She decided to keep the money and never told her 5 siblings... (reason... she quit HS to get a job to support the family when their parents died.) When they did find out about the money .... the 6 of them bickered for years never spoke to each other again. Last year my aunt (father's sister) was breaking down her house as she headed to a nursing home...huge collection of family memories, antiques you would not believe. The fighting began again. I wanted nothing. Didn't go to break it down. Weeks later they were still sending me emails of "what I wanted" kept repeating nothing. Last month at a family BBQ the aunt did not speak to me ... I asked her if I did something wrong? She said how come you didn't come take what you wanted ... I said I was not going to be a part of another family argument over "stuff"... but I have things your father wanted you to have. I said well I will call my children and see if they want the "stuff" because I do not. My aunt has no clue my siblings were fighting I guess. So I was wrong on both ends to stay out of the fighting over stuff and insulting my aunt because I didn't want the stuff. I WILL NOT FIGHT OVER STUFF OR MONEY. NOT WORTH IT. YOU CAN'T WIN EITHER WAY NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. If it is not in my possession I am not entitled to it. But that is me. Not saying it goes for everyone. Just how I feel about "stuff".
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sylviatexas1
12 years ago
I'm so sorry.

So often, it seems like dads get the glory & moms get the get-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-hold-kid's-head-while-he-pukes-&-then-wash-sheets-at-1:30-AM part of the deal.

& then somehow what the child remembers is "When I was with dad, I had fun, & when I was with mom, I puked all night"!
I know a woman who raised her son all on her own, worked 2 & 3 jobs at a time to get him grown & get him through college, & to this day, her son, now in his forties, blames her for the fact that he feels like he deserved a better childhood.

Dad?

Well, Dad wasn't around, so it can't be Dad's fault, right?

Understandable as it is, kids *will* milk it;
if complaining makes you relaz your rules or bring home more pizza & ice cream, that kid is going to complain!

to this day, Jan's son pushes her buttons.

In your shoes, I think I'd sit down with son & have a real heart-to-heart discussion about what goes on & why.

& you'll have to repeat it, because we remember what we want to, & dad is a lot more fun than mom.

I wish you the best.
myfampg
12 years ago
I agree with everyone. Such great examples shared as well.

Imma. I really have nothing to offer because I have not dealt with it on a large scale. I am just sending Huggs.

I am actually the more desired parent because my Dd appreciates the running around that we do for her, the games we play, the rare night of movie night and pop corn and she enjoys having help with homework or someone to share her art work with.
At Dad's, it's all about stepsister. All the running, all the shopping, all the fuss and Dd feels left out but forced to participate. Dad and Sm are over the top with their 'rules' and expectations in their house. She walks on eggshells not knowing what to say or how to feel. She Goes to bed feeling lonely and just wanting to come home. So she never says what a great time she had at Dad's; it's more like, I'm so grateful for my own room, my own things and for the notes you put in my lunchbox. She is only 10 and I highly suspect as a teenager, she will enjoy the $$ part of her dad's house and will be feeling the same way as your DS.

I know I'm lucky but i actually wished she had a fun dad. Wished he would put his Disney Dad hat back on sometimes. Ugh I'm about to post a vent about them so you can just get what I'm trying to say from that.

My mom always said it hurt so much when we missed dad or when we talked about him non stop. I can understand that.
myfampg
12 years ago
Incognito -- I'm sorry. I called you imma! Must have been my rage that i only picked up the 'i' and the 'mom'
vicsgirl
9 years ago
How the heck did this old post from 2011 show up?
sushipup1
9 years ago
Probably a spammer hit and ran and that post was removed.

Hurt feelings.....

Comments (7)

imamommy

justmetoo

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