This is just a vent. I don't have any plans of filing contempt or even contacting my attorney... He just took the last $7k I had saved up and I still owe $4k to make a final bill of $47k!!!

I'm done paying for this... I'll just pay my therapist and come here to vent!

So school has started (going on week 4) and here is my list:

1. Dd has gone to Dad's twice out of 4 possible visits
2. Dd has not taken a shower on the two week nights she has gone
3. Dd left her library book on week one at his house which was due back this week. They can't find it and he won't respond to my email asking about it.
4. Paperwork that I (as the CP with exclusive rights to education) needed to sign was removed from her folder and never forwarded.
5. Paperwork to sign up for music that is on my day was removed and the deadline was missed
6. Dd was told that her new hair cut 'looked awful and the person who cut it was not a good stylist'
7. Dd lost outside privileges for the next month at their house because 'I' took out the very inappropriate blue 'feather' from her blonde hair that stepmom had put in during the summer. (side note: I left it in until the day before school started, I did not maliciously remove it, I felt it was inappropriate for school)
8. The two week night visits that she has had, she was not allowed to do her reading homework even after I forwarded the email from the teacher about the daily reading log, along with the 'consequences' to the child if they do not complete it and have a parent signature. Dd said they didn't have time... So she got to sit out of recess those two days and do her reading and now is 1 strike away from a B in conduct which reads 'does not come to school prepared for the day. She has an entire year of Thursday night visits so does that mean she will end up with a 'Z' in homework ethics??
9. Both Thursday nights, although they don't make her take a bath, they check her head for lice. Tonight I asked, so if you have lice, will you get to take a bath? I know... So mean.
10. Ex is supposed to call me once a week by court order, a stipulation he agreed to and has not called in 4 years although the order was made in June, I'm just saying... He hasnt called to talk about 'co parenting' issues.
11. Before school started, he demanded his wife be listed as 'the' emergency contact. I said no thanks, dad is the emergency contact 'or' second listed parent to me. And then my husband and then I 'guess' if they want to call stepmom, whatever.
12. Dd says they make a list at dinner of questions she has to ask Dad about his day. Why not just teach her how to have a conversation rather than make a hand written list? I mean... I can't get her to shut up on most days.. So I don't know why they need a list...
13. They refuse to either make her lunch or give her lunch money... Thank God I can put money on her account but come ON how hard is it to throw a lunch together when her lunch bag is right there??
14. School does not allow drop off for breakfast until 720 but dad dropped her off at 7am outside the school, unsupervised until someone unlocked the door at 720. Dangerous?? I think so... Scary for Dd? Absolutely!
15. Still refuses to allow her access to her court ordered cell phone that HE agreed to.
16. HE agreed to pay $100 a month for my health insurance starting in July... He is officially $300 behind (this is court ordered as well)
17. HE agreed to pay $5k (measly) of my $47k attorney fees... I haven't seen a dime. Neither has my lawyer.
18. He cancelled his first two weekends of the school year due to 'work'... At the last minute via email. Causing me to have to rush around, taking off work to pick up Dd from school on HIS day..
19. Dd is still required to call me by my first name at their house and says she has to stand in the corner if she 'forgets'. Seriously?
20. I can't think of anything else but I'm damn pissed and sick and tired of being annoyed by these controlling freaks!

AND I did the child support calculator today for fun... I should be getting $350 more a month than I am but I'm screwed because I 'agreed' to the $100 extra a month in medical support. By the attorney general website it says I should be getting the FULL amount of health insurance premium but I agreed to it.. And I'm stuck for three years until I can modify it... I'm thinking that I should not have agreed now but I am the one that agreed so... He better hope he never gets a damn raise!!

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired of their crap. I'm so tired of them messing with my daughter. And they are SO lucky they got myfam the calm and level headed BM because tonight when my Dd made fun of her stepmom I corrected her and said 'no way not in my house!' but seriously, I could have just laughed along with her, which my husband and I did later on behind closed doors ... See I am the better person. I tell Dd, do what you are told, smile and be happy, mind your manners, don't do anything to get into trouble because you will just be that more miserable and it's only for a couple of nights.... She says she gets in trouble for breathing... Ugh! She is only 10!!!

Ok I need a drink. Wew I needed to tell all of that to someone and I'm so glad I have you all!!

Just keep holding your head up high and being the better parent.

I don't know which on your list is the worst, but the one about your daughter getting grounded because you took the blue feather out of her hair just burns me up!
She should not be punished for something you did. GRRRRRR! I totally agree that a blue feather in her hair is not appropriate for school.

And not being able to call you mom at their house? Oh no. My BF's son asks me if he can call me mom. I tell him no, he has a mom. If nothing else she has earned that title by carrying him for nine long months of pregnancy and deserves that small bit of respect. How dare they!

You are being the better person, and one day it will come back to you, at least by knowing you don't stress your daughter out the way she probably gets stressed out at her dad's house.

I'm just going to throw out some advice, take the ones you like, leave the ones you don't.
I believe you said your daughter is ten years old? I know it sucks, but it sounds like you're going to have to pick up the slack for the nights that your daughter is at your ex�s. Make sure she has lunch money for the days she's at her dad's. Don't let her take library books over there so they won't get lost. Can you talk to her teacher, explain the situation and see if the teacher would be willing for your daughter to make up the reading homework on the nights you have her?

Some of the stuff try not to let it get to you - the list of questions at dinner time - okay, anal and annoying, but you can't control that and tell yourself that it isn't really hurting your daughter. Dropping her off at school in the morning 20 minutes early, yeah, scary, but tell yourself it's only 20 minutes.

What I'm trying to say is, try to fix the things you can, and the things you can't - try not to focus on the negative. I know, easier said than done. These are just some suggestions I have, you don't have to take them.

And vent away to your therapist! I'm sure she'll have some good advice to help you cope with this difficult situation. Hang in there.

1. Dad, why did you not answer me when I called for your birthday? It really hurt my feelings that I reach out to you and you don't care.
2. Dad, because of you I can't be in band. Why did you remove the note? Do you get some warped giggle out of such actions?
3. Dad, why do you insist I call my mother by her first name? Does that mean you would prefer I also call you by your first name?
4. Dad, why do you punish me for Myfam's actions of removing an old time worn out feather from my hair? Instead of denying me being able to go outside for a month why don't you call and ask Myfam about it?
5. Dad do you realize once again that I will have another school year of very little activity while stepsister participates in things? Do you think I enjoy watching someone have a childhood but not myself?
6. Dad, did you know that most girls my age shower and wash their hair every evening? Why do you want me to smell or not look my best? You do realize, right, that I am a beautiful child, why don't you want me to be?
7. Dad, did you know that other students at my school have lunch provided for them every single day?
8. Dad, why don't you bother to want to see me on your days to have me? Why do you cancel all the time?
9. Dad, when you do want me to come you are never home and never spend time with me. Why can't I stay home on those weekends?
10. Dad, why is it ok with you to drop me off in a deserted public place way too early, but it's not ok for me to stay in my own home for an hour by myself?
11. Dad, why is it that nothing I do is ever ok in your eyes? In your eyes I seem to do everything wrong, I seem to say everything wrong?

And on and on the possible dinner table conversation topic could go. The list will grow as she gets older. One of these days when DD is not so young and vulnerable these are the exact same things she will be confronting her father over plus. And she'll make him own it. Since she now realizes that merely breathing seems to get her in trouble at her father's house, she has begun to know that there is really nothing 'wrong' with HER. None of it is her fault and never really was. Dad is a weak puppy lead around by a mean nasty sick woman. Dad's controling abusive ways and/or giving stepmother permission by him to be indictive and cruel to her are his problem, their problem, not anything she has done, said, not done, not said. She's Ok, always was, they are not, never were.

And the day will come Little Myfam is a young woman and DD no longer has to go there and smile, mind her manners and be tormented and foolishly punished for the slightest made-up nonsensical infraction of being a normal child...the choice to continue a relationship will be hers. Right now, things don't look to be weighing in this father's favor. If he loses the privilege of having his one and only daughter in his life, it will be no one's fault but his own and he will be missing out on knowing and being a part of a very special young lady's life.

Myfam, the girl is lucky she has a normal stable home that you and your DH provide. One full of love and laugher and a true basis to go on to be a functional healthy happy adult...you help her balance out the nuthouse she has to endure with her father. You keep her grounded and sound. She also has a little brother that will help teach her what real family bonds are about. She will be ok.

Amber-- thanks for the advice - I take it to heart honestly! I learned a long time ago that I can't control what they do at their house and honestly I don't even want to fight with him over all the little things. I guess they taught me that talking to a brick wall is not fun and the more I rant, the more they WIN!!
As far as being dropped off at the school early, no it probably won't hurt her but when the school says not to do this, then I think it's a problem. I have forWarded the schools letters stating this is a NoNo but he ignores it. Of course, he couldn't possibly let his boss know that one day a week he *might* be a little late. Afterall, I have to make changes at work and MY boss is expected to be ok with HIS cancellations that interfere with MY work schedule. But I do get what you are saying

JMT. You hit the nail on the head. I wrote a list like this to my own father just a little over a year ago. Of course my questions were never answered but his silence told me what I needed to know. Dd will surely have her long list when she is older, however I think she is already starting it. I didn't want that for my daughter. When she was born, I envisioned her having a life I didn't have. Both mom and dad ALL the time. Not having extended family and steps and missing seeing Dad's face in the crowd. I guess I wanted it so much for myself, I put my desires on my new baby. We can't all have the perfect little family ... But Dh and I are trying to be that support for her and be that stable home.

Today we went to a soccer game for DS. Dd tagged along and was really bored. I suspect this is how she is when tagging along with stepsister. She used to love that girl and I notice that even when she speaks her name, it's a different tone. She hates seeing her dad cheering on the sidelines for stepsister but hasnt been to a dance recital for Dd in 6 years. He has always received a formal invitation with directions. Has never attended. Has never been to a school play or program but his 'maybe I can come' has her scanning the audience in anticipation to see his face. On a personal, selfish note, I'm glad he doesn't come but now I'm to the point where I wish he would show up and I find myself scanning the audience as well...

Dd told me last night that I was the 'fun' parent. I said 'oh I don't know if I like that... I think I might have to sharpen my mean parent stick'.
She said no I just don't like how stepmom talks to me. She hates my clothes, she makes me eat all of her nasty food. I said oh well... You can't compare me to stepmom because I don't wear the same hat as her, just Dad. She said oh I don't know about Dad, I think he is scared not to eat her food too. He might have to Stand in the corner. I said 'Dd that's not funny (Dh spit some water) don't make fun of your dad and stepmom, I won't allow that kind of talk.' she said 'well if she would stop frowning she might not have that wrinkle down her face and I told her she is much prettier when she smiles'. I said OMG DD!! What? You said that to her??
Although inside I was slightly proud that Dd is FINALLY standing up for herself, I won't tolerate that AND I am actually concerned for her safety. Talking back to or ugly to SM might cause her to endure even more abuse. I don't want her thinking it's ok to disrespect an adult (even if said adult deserves it). Allowing it with one sends the message she can pick and choose who she respects. Which one day might be ME. So no. No way little Dd, can't talk like that.

She also brought home a little doll that bd gave her and she has not put it down. She slept with it, carried it with her today and is playing with it right now. It's something special from her Daddy and that made her feel like his little princess again. If he only *knew* what harm he was causing but I'm not sure he would notice or care.

Thanks for letting me vent! I really enjoyed your list JMT. I want to share it with my Dh. Lol he will get a kick out of it. He is so clingy to him today. He said he Loves the attention but it just concerns him ... She distances herself from him before going to her Dad's and then she comes home and hangs all over Dh. I just told him to enjoy it. A day will come where she will not want to be hugged and loved on because she is too old!

This is what you did when you said "you know who your momma is and that's what matters, names are just names'."
I bet when you said that to your daughter you probably felt good. I know I would have. You know your daughter knows who you are, and that's all that matters.

And what your daughter said about stepmom making daddy stand in the corner made me laugh. "she said 'well if she would stop frowning she might not have that wrinkle down her face and I told her she is much prettier when she smiles'." What a smart, funny and insightful girl! I think we know where she gets that from. *wink*

I can relate to your feelings about wanting a good dad for your daughter. We all know how important a father is in a girl's life and it pained me to see my daughter's father ignoring her. It has only been since we've been divorced that he has actually started spending time with her. He still isn't the best of fathers, but at least he is paying some attention to her now. I used to blame myself because I felt I had not picked a very good father, but then I realized my ex was the one who had failed our daughter, not me. I am also very grateful that my father is there as a good male role model to her. Sounds like your daughter has a good role model in your husband as well.

Feel free to vent, scream, yell. You deserve it.

As for her being dropped off too early, what kind of principal do you have? Maybe you can also explain the situation to them. The principal could make a phone call to bd saying that he has been observed dropping her off too early and if it continues they will call Division of Youth and Family Services (or whatever your state has). This way the principal could keep you out of it.

Good luck. From the other things you wrote, it does sound like your daughter is a pretty intelligent girl!

Carabubble: can I pick your brain? I have been very cautious in what I say to the teachers because I don't want it to appear I am bad mouthing dad. Her kindergarten teacher was straight out of school and got 'us' in her class... Lucky her. This was a very difficult year. It was a power struggle. (I've changed a lot in5 years) I was constantly fighting stepmom for my rights as mom. I don't *fight* it much now because the school know who I am at this point and knows pretty well the situation. If Sm wants to show herself or demand this or that, I stand in the background to appear to be the level headed of the three. My husband doesn't get involved so they deal with me, stepmom and occasionally dad. The school did tell stepmom on their own that they could not release info or allow her signature because she is not the custodial parent. I didn't even have to ask them to do anything, they just noticed that this child is getting duplicate signatures and duplicate responses and some times the answers were different and confusing to the school. So... What I am wanting to know is: what is the best way for me to approach this years teacher? This is her second year, she is young, Dd says she is super strict, I've emailed twice to let her know of pick up changes and I never got a response to those... So from the no response, I got the impression either she doesn't have time to reply or she didn't care. How would I go about letting her know please don't send home paperwork or homework home on this night and is it ok for us to work out a schedule so that she can not be marked against because it's not her fault? Without it seeming like 1. I'm asking for an exception to the rules 2. Without sounding like I'm pointing fingers, struggling over 'mom power' or alienating dad?

Thanks for your input! I really would rather the school to not be involved but I guess they need to know what is going on so that Dd isn't always in trouble.

If you've emailed the teacher twice and she hasn't responded, I'd schedule a meeting to discuss the situation to her and work out some sort of arrangement. And like momof4 says if you still don't get a response, I'd go over her head and meet with the principal. I've had to do that myself once when I wasn't getting anywhere with my daugther's teacher.

I know you don't want to cause problems, but you gotta do what you have to for your daughter's sake!

Good luck!

Oh Dd asked me a weird question today. I had a lightbulb go off in my head and I wanted to tell y'all. She just out of the blue said, I think it's so weird that my dad has to pay you money but you have a car and he doesn't.
I just paused for a minute not sure how to answer because I have never told Dd about child support. So I asked her to explain her concern further because I wasn't understanding her point. She said you and Stepdad work, Dad works but he makes more money than both of you and you still have a nicer car than he does, he doesn't even have his own car.. So many thoughts went through my head and later, my Dh and I brought it up to each other and we laughed that both of us had the same thoughts... 'well if stepmom would get a job then maybe your daddy could buy himself a new car! AND SM drives a car that cost what mine and DHs cars combined cost... But alas that wasn't my response. I just told her yes Dad pays what is called child support and it's court ordered. You live more time with me and so the state says that both parents have to equally provide for their kids and that means he gives us money to help pay for your clothes, shoes, toothpaste, roofing, heat, water, etc. AND daddy doesn't have a car of his own because he has a vehicle that is provided for him by his boss and so he doesn't need one of his own, right? She said OH that would be so silly for him to have two cars. Every morning he would have to flip a coin to see which one to drive!

Why does this jerk think he has to share every detail with our daughter?? She does not need to know the ins and outs of family court... I do wish there was a way to prove all of this and put his butt back on supervised visits where he belongs!

I just don't want them to see me coming and think OMG there she is! Lol

And about BD & SM sharing too much info with the kids, mine does it too. Just recently future SM showed one of my DDs BDs paycheck stub and said - Look, this is how much your dad would bring home but he only gets this much because your mom takes all his money. I just couldn't believe that she had the nerve to share that kind of info with my kid. I would love to approach BD about this but DD says not to because she will get in trouble for talking about what goes on in his house. She has been told before by BD that she DOESN'T need to tell me everything that goes on in their house.

When money comes up, I just try to get them (my kids) to appreciate what they have....tough these days with so many spoiled kids out there...ugh! Oh wait, my kids are spoiled too...maybe that's why it doesn't work...gee, thanks [insert ex-wife's name here]...LOL!

I'm not sure which is most distrubing to me. That a future SM (has not even said "I do" yet) did this to your child, or that the future SM actually thinks this way. I think the latter. To me that seriously indicates that each and every time this lady has the slightest money trouble she will blame it entirely on the existance of her future husband's first child. That just p*sses me off. Then no doubt this future SM will think it's a great idea to reproduce even more little ones stretching out her to be husband's income even further and the first born child will become more and more a financial burden to 'her family'. How about instead Ms Future SM bring home more income herself and stop worrying about what little comes out of Daddy's paycheck to help assist in supporting...or find a different guy to marry without previous children. Men and woman need to seriously think about money and the will we have/won't we have 'enough' when starting a relationship with another person that has children from a previous relationship.

I highly doubt that if Ms Future Wife/SM has children with your daughter's father and then gets a divorce the lady would forego children support so not to burden the guy and any still future GFs/Spouses.

Why don't we all just hold up our own pay stubs and say 'see, this is what I would bring home if I did not have the responsibility of paying taxes, having insurance deducted, pension savings blah blah...now wouldn't that be just dandy'.