Father needs help, stepmom wants kids to move out
zapruder75
17 years ago
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Vivian Kaufman
17 years agoweed30 St. Louis
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Stepmom of adult children needs help! Totally frustrated
Comments (23)I mentioned last May that both SD25 and SD24 raged at us, mainly their Dad, for neglecting them, and leaving them out and not spending time with them. DH and I both are very sensitive people, and took this very hard coming from them. It caused to to reflect and examine our behavior to them, and did we really do what we are being accused of? We felt that we were unjustly accused. So, to be objective, and look at facts, I made a journal starting the month in September 2005 when I met their Dad. I logged into the journal every time that we had contact with them. I included times that we actually visited them, where the visit was, what we did, and who picked up the tab. I also included all of the times that we invited them, but they turned us down. Mind you that we wouldn't just say, can you come Friday night at 6pm. We'd say something more like, "We have off of work for the next 3 days, would you like to get together sometime in the next three days?" We tried to be extremely accomodating with our schedule, because we placed a high importance on spending time with them. DH never said, as one of the posts said that he told his girls that, "Sorry I don't have time for you". He bent over backwards to try to do things with them, and make them feel comfortable with the new marriage. My journal showed an average of every 2 weeks or twice a month that we actually spent time with SD24. With SD25 it was about 1 time a month, but she was attending college out of our area, so it is natural to see her less. When my son went to college his freshman year, I said Good Bye in August, and didn't see him til Christmas. He never accused me of neglecting him. He knew I was sacrificing in order to help pay his tuition, and he was pretty glad to get home at Christmas. After Christmas break, we saw him at Easter, then not til college dismissed in June. I have no regrets, and DS23 doesn't feel neglected. Also it was a HUGE change for DS23 because I filed for divorce from his father, after 25 years, right before Christmas. He went to school in the fall with a whole family, and came home to a mess on Christmas break. Never accused me of neglecting him! And a huge stress on his shoulders. With SS29 we see him about 5 times a year since he lives 1200 miles away, they come home quite often. But SS29 never complains about being neglected. SS29 is always polite and respectful, just clueless about social graces. SD24 would sometimes say to us that her DH didn't want to always have to do the driving to come over and spend time with us. They live an hour away from us. So, my DH said to her, "What do you want us to do? Do you want us to just invite ourselves to your house? You're newly weds, should we just pop in without an invitation? We've never been invited to your place." Her answer was that we were welcome any time. So again, DH said, "should we just show up on your doorstep at mealtime?" An hour is a long way to drive when you don't know if anyone is going to be home or not. We clearly don't feel comfortable barging in on our young adult children without an invitation. Yet an invitation almost never came. SD24 invited her Dad over and made him a delicious birthday dinner 18 months ago. That was the last invitation from her to do anything with her. Like I said, my journal showed either we visited or made invitations that were turned down on average of every 2 weeks for the past 3 years! The invites were sometime as a couple, and sometimes just Dad. It depended on our schedules. Sometime I'd be working, and he'd make plans with his kids while I was at work, etc. Same thing with phone calls, they hardly ever call just to visit with him to see how he's doing, or to see if he would like to get together with them. He does almost 100% of the contacting. They usually contact him when they need something from him, or when there is some benefit in it for them, or obligatory times like his birthday, etc. I made a pact with myself in September 2008 that I was going to stop trying so hard to gain their approval, stop contacting them altogether. I have been and will continue to be polite to them, try as hard as I know how to make them feel comfortable and welcome in our home, and I will answer any communication that they direct my way. I will NOT initiate any communication from me to them. The ball is in their court now. None of my 3 SK have contacted me since September, except my SS29'sW who emailed to see when I was sending out the Easter outfits for the SGKs. They have been told by their father, that they are welcome here anytime, they don't even need to call ahead. He said it would be better if they'd phone ahead, but they are always welcome. We think that kids should always have a standing invitation at their parents house. My DH actually cries sometimes. He is very sensitive. He feels that his daughters have neglected him! He has confronted them about this, and they say that things will change. And they do for about 2 weeks. Then they drop out of circulation until he hunts them down again. DH feels that he should do his part as a responsible parent, and try to build the relationship. If they don't do their part that is their decision, but he has the confidence of knowing that he has tried to spend time with them....See MoreFirst time stepmom needs help
Comments (5)Hi there, I still consider myself a new Stepmom also. I have been married almost 2yrs and we have had some good and bad times. But I have learned alot about kids, and how they think, manipulate, and whats important to them. Your SD very well may like you but feels she needs to protect her mom and be loyal. Her father is probably feeling guilt so he is siding with her. A while back mt Sk's told my DH that they did not think I liked them because I stayed in my room too much and that I worked on the Saturdays that we had them. The girls were crying and it made him take their side he came home pretty much mad at me like I had done something to them. I knew we had to take care of that problem right then. I explained to him that when I do go to my room its becasue they are screaming at the top of their lungs, wrestling around in my house and he did nothing to stop the behavior. I told him I have done nothing to them, I dont get onto them, I dont tell them whatto do, if I have something to say I say to him. Anyway he started seeing my point and they just wanted to get daddy mad at me. I later found a list of things they had wrote title "Things to do at Daddy's to make Jess mad". Once I showed it to him he was onto them as well. We had a family meeting and went over why they felt like I did not like them. None of their reasons were valid. So I asked (and this has been over a year ago) do you like me?, the oldest said "NO" so I said "okay, then why does it matter if I like you"? She had no answer. My point in posting all this is that stepkids are so torn between two housholds and their feelings get torn also. When my stepkids come in from DH picking them up for the weekend, they come strait to me and start chatting it up. They tell me about their week, ask if we have recored shows to watch, ect. We have great weekends, we just got them a horse so they are thrilled. The minute their mom comes around like at ballgames, they will not speak to us. The have told her they hate it at our house, they dont like us but their actions when they are with us prove them wrong. My SS11 had a baseball tourney this weekend, as we were walking out of the park him and DH were a little ahead of me, he stopped and waited for me to catch up to him so then my DH stopped. That is something so small but meant alot to me. If he did not care about me he would have kept walking, talking to his dad and not cared. He is such a good sweet boy. I dont think you should cut your losses just yet, there were many times I thought about leaving but am so glad I stayed. Its not easy. I would not try to make her talk to you at all. This may sound mean but ignore her. I did this when my SD would just try to be ugly when I talked to her, so she could get me mad and then I was the one being ugly to her. So I quit giving her the oppurtunity. Unless she directly asked me something by saying my name first and then asking I did not respond. I would catch her starring at me probably wondering why I was not talking to her. About a month later she was back to her old self. Hang in there, talk to your DH to help him understand that its okay if she does not like you right now, and its okay for her to tell her mom she does not like you. If her actions are telling a different story than her mouth is listen to the actions. Good luck, its not easy!...See MoreHELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
Comments (31)Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family....See MoreWills? Stepmom of grown kids, no kids of own
Comments (4)What are we talking about? This can be real touchy. Are we talking about what we think of your husband making his children heirs and eliminating your relatives--and vice versa? In my view, it should have something to do with when and how the assets came about. If you want to do a bunch of math, you can make a mathematical kind of decision--each person to have a percent of the total estate depending on how and where the assets came from. Sometimes a person will have received particular kind of favors that could be considered part of an inheritance. Someone I knew left one of their kids a greater inheritance than given to the rest of the siblings because he had a large family. Another person received more because he didn't have the help of a wife (that worked), like the rest of his siblings. When it comes to giving our assets away--I think whatever we do, it should reflect the way we think things should be. People's feelings get hurt over this kind of stuff. Sometimes a son or daughter could be real sorrow, yet there is a nephew that is always there to lend some joy to our heart--what's right? Do you and your husband have assets that were acquired before the marriage? If your husband had assets before he married and those assets diminished because he got married, or if those assets increased because he got married, I believe these are things that deserve consideration. Sometimes a mate will think that because they worked and saved all the money they made, that their savings should be left to whomever they please. This is touchy if this person didn't equally contribute to all the money spent as a couple. What about monies that were acquired because of being an heir to something that could be considered an asset, or because of an insurance policy, or some settlement kind of money. To me, receiving these kind of monies is personal and this too should be taken into consideration if part of a person's estate. I like the idea of getting rid of my assets, etc. while I am still alive and the rest put into a joint-survivorship arrangement. Of course, if you are fairly young--this might not be a good idea. Well, it might not be a good idea for many reasons. I knew someone that had their Will come up missing (stolen) after they died, and the estate had to be administered by the rules of the county probate court. The person's desires were never able to be carried out....See Morekasey9195
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