Father needs help, stepmom wants kids to move out
zapruder75
17 years ago
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Vivian Kaufman
17 years agoweed30 St. Louis
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Father is dying of cancer,stepmom says doesn't concern his kids!
Comments (38)"Actually, there are a number of people who kill their husbands and get out after a few years, especially if the husband was abusive. It's not self-defense if she shoots him while he is asleep. I think the original poster sounded too upset to be making it up, not to mention the fact that she provided a lot of details that she probably wouldn't have bothered with had the story been false." TOS, as the original poster provided so many details (but missing the critical ones like the VISITORS?LIST on the VISITORS?ALLOWED MODULE) I don't think she would have forgotten to mention how many years her SM was in Jail for murdering her first husband or if she was convicted or even put to trial for it...She would have relished telling it. Anyway, details are not a guarantee of truth: as any mother or kindergarten teacher knows, the more elaborate the story, the more blatant the lie....See MoreFirst time stepmom needs help
Comments (5)Hi there, I still consider myself a new Stepmom also. I have been married almost 2yrs and we have had some good and bad times. But I have learned alot about kids, and how they think, manipulate, and whats important to them. Your SD very well may like you but feels she needs to protect her mom and be loyal. Her father is probably feeling guilt so he is siding with her. A while back mt Sk's told my DH that they did not think I liked them because I stayed in my room too much and that I worked on the Saturdays that we had them. The girls were crying and it made him take their side he came home pretty much mad at me like I had done something to them. I knew we had to take care of that problem right then. I explained to him that when I do go to my room its becasue they are screaming at the top of their lungs, wrestling around in my house and he did nothing to stop the behavior. I told him I have done nothing to them, I dont get onto them, I dont tell them whatto do, if I have something to say I say to him. Anyway he started seeing my point and they just wanted to get daddy mad at me. I later found a list of things they had wrote title "Things to do at Daddy's to make Jess mad". Once I showed it to him he was onto them as well. We had a family meeting and went over why they felt like I did not like them. None of their reasons were valid. So I asked (and this has been over a year ago) do you like me?, the oldest said "NO" so I said "okay, then why does it matter if I like you"? She had no answer. My point in posting all this is that stepkids are so torn between two housholds and their feelings get torn also. When my stepkids come in from DH picking them up for the weekend, they come strait to me and start chatting it up. They tell me about their week, ask if we have recored shows to watch, ect. We have great weekends, we just got them a horse so they are thrilled. The minute their mom comes around like at ballgames, they will not speak to us. The have told her they hate it at our house, they dont like us but their actions when they are with us prove them wrong. My SS11 had a baseball tourney this weekend, as we were walking out of the park him and DH were a little ahead of me, he stopped and waited for me to catch up to him so then my DH stopped. That is something so small but meant alot to me. If he did not care about me he would have kept walking, talking to his dad and not cared. He is such a good sweet boy. I dont think you should cut your losses just yet, there were many times I thought about leaving but am so glad I stayed. Its not easy. I would not try to make her talk to you at all. This may sound mean but ignore her. I did this when my SD would just try to be ugly when I talked to her, so she could get me mad and then I was the one being ugly to her. So I quit giving her the oppurtunity. Unless she directly asked me something by saying my name first and then asking I did not respond. I would catch her starring at me probably wondering why I was not talking to her. About a month later she was back to her old self. Hang in there, talk to your DH to help him understand that its okay if she does not like you right now, and its okay for her to tell her mom she does not like you. If her actions are telling a different story than her mouth is listen to the actions. Good luck, its not easy!...See MoreHELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
Comments (31)Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family....See MoreHelp- stepmom to special needs child.
Comments (13)yarrow, the fact that you are persevering through a difficult situation, indicates that you are a woman worthy of respect. And your statements that you are struggling and feeling unworthy of the challenge, makes you human. I agree with the others that you (and your DH) desperately need a support group of others who are dealing with similar challenges. You can encourage one another, and just to have those people to be able to call when you desperately need a friend who understands (because they are walking in your shoes) is vital. On line help can be helpful, but it will never take the place of real people who can give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug. 2. If it were me, I would also sit down with DH, and (quietly, without yelling) tell him that everything in me wants to give up and walk away from this situation, and yet, I would explain that I cared about him, and knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for him to go it alone. I would say that I had three conditions to staying and supporting him and helping him to raise his son. A. Could he talk privately to his mother, and explain that her critical spirit (comments) and attitude has created a situation where you simply want to give up, and walk away. He needs to explain to her that you need her unwaivering support, encouragement, and friendship. She needs to understand that if his marriage fails, that it will come down to he and his mother raising this boy with so many needs. He needs her to understand that he loves you, and he expects her to give you encouragement, kindness, and support so that he does not find himself struggling on his own to raise his son. He should also let her know that he appreciates her help and love for this child. So many grandparents today are doing their own thing, and not helping with their grandchildren, and she needs to hear that he is grateful for her help. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. B. Then you and your DH need to schedule a meeting with this boys doctor, and a counselor (even if by telephone if out of the area) who specializes in guiding parents through parenting issues that are unique to autistic families, such as disapline, setting routines, diet, etc. and come up with a very concrete parenting plan. For many of us, it does not seem right to spank a child who is fundamentally unable to understand, or control behavior. It seems cruel somehow. And I say this, not judging you, because I imagine that you are trying to parent as best you can in a difficult situation. And perhaps that is why your husband may tell you to do this, but may not be able to handle it because at some level he feels it is cruel too. And yet you have very frustrating problems to deal with, from the boys behavior, that would stretch many beyond their limits. So pay a counselor for an hour or two of their time, to help you understand how you should handle discipline with this child. You may also want to talk to a specialist(s) at your sons school to find how they discipline autistic students at school, and any others questions you and your husband have. Then the two of you should come up with a firm game plan, and sit down with his mom, and explain the game plan, the diet that will be followed "exactly" and why, and that you need her full commitment to following the plan, because it is necessary that you all do everything you can to help this child, and the plan is to try everything the specialists recommend to try and give this boy a better life, which will help each of you as well. Perhaps his mother should be included at the doctors visits so that she is very clear on why all of this is so important, and is in on the game plan. 3. And last, think about your other two children, and your marriage. The other two need "fun" time with just you at least once a week. It can be a simple as taking a walk, just the three of you and listening to them, without distractions. Reminding them of your love for them, and allowing them to talk about their feelings, and staying connected with them. And your marriage needs a date night at least twice a month, because it is so important. It sounds as though you love your man, and want to support him. I imagine that he too gets overwhelmed, and yet you are both doing your best, and you are both human. You both get tired, frustrated, and discouraged, and yet...together you have the ability to do this exceptional job of raising a boy whose needs are great. You have come this far! Pat each other on the back, and look at each other and tell one another how proud you are of the people you are, and are becoming. I believe that you must both be exceptional! Become each others best friend, and work together. P.S. Give yourself a break on those hard days, and remind yourself of all the good things about you, because you are one of those people who are willing to hang in there and persevere when the going gets tough! I respect that. Just get your support group together, even if you have to drive an hour to find them! They will become vital friends to have! We all wish you the best as you find your way. You will be awesome!...See Morekasey9195
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