Since we started letting the kid date, she's been screwing her boyfriends, meanwhile painting pictures of innocent dinners, movies and trips to the mall. She came home with herpes sometime in the last year; I don't know when because my husband didn't tell me til I started questioning the frequent trips to the GYN. Recently, I found a pile of porn shots of the kid posing on a bed in sexy underwear (or less) and heels, all taken when she was 16.

I'm not sure how to confront her or whether to involve the state police (these pictures were undoubtedly taken by her most recent boyfriend who was 20+). My husband as well as the kid's biomom were very lax parents, letting the kid do whatever she wanted and never holding her to task. Even when the kid confessed the herpes problem to my husband, he didn't believe that she was having sex. Duh!

The kid has recently admitted to me that she doesn't pay much attention to what I say because she believes that her Dad should have an equal voice. Ahh, so this is why she's been lying to me for the past 8 years?

In another 8-9 months, she'll probably run off to college and be less of a challenge to me, but that 8-9 months could be very uncomfortable. Besides, there might be life after HS graduation ;-). This is my husband's only kid. He might like to keep track of her.

Any advice on how I can relate to this arrogant, lying teenager? She's only been nice to me when she's wanted something and doesn't count me as a member of her family.

Thank you again, bnicebkind. I don't think I was meant to be a stepmother, but I might just survive it.

At the same time, I don't feel that persuing a prosecution of the boyfriend is a decision that I can make unilaterally. This really isn't a Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf scenario. The kid is far too savvy to have been lulled into the photo shoot. I'd wager that she was quite enthusiastic about it, maybe even came up with the idea. Considering this, I have trouble superimposing the victim/criminal model onto this situation, even though the 4-5 year difference in their ages might warrant it with respect to the law.

I was ready to take the photos and the boyfriend's tag# (I don't even know his last name) to the state police, but I felt that I needed to let my husband make The Big Decision. The potential consequences to the boyfriend's life are, after all, enormous. Plus, there are potential repercussions to the kid as well (feedback at school and such).

The husband is opting to involve our minister as an objective third party. He believes that a professional counselor would be obligated to report the photo shoot to the authorities as they do all allegations or hints of child abuse. I recognize that I am too tied in emotionally to be objective myself. I've been painted into the wicked stepmother role and find myself pulled between the impulse to protect the kid from the consequences of stupid moves and a temptation to shove her nose into the muck of it and scream "See what a stinking mess you can get yourself into by being so dang stubborn?".

In any case, the three or four of us need to face this down SOON. I have preserved copies of the photos as recommended by the county commissioner (possible evidence). Possession of the photos seems not to be a crime because the kid was 16. Pre-16 seems to fall into some altogether different category. The crime in this case seems to relate only to inducing/permitting a minor to pose for sexually provocative photos.

Disclaimer: I'm no lawyer, so I'm struggling with the fuzzy edges of legal interpretation.

As would a minister, in some states!

The guy is a sleaze, and whether she was willing or not, he's sleeping with JAILBAIT. He's stupid for doing so.

In my kid's case, I suspect the boyfriend is actually 4+ years older, but I really don't know. My stepdaughter has never been particularly truthful and knows the "rule" about the age differences (thanks to some tutoring from a woman at church), so she'd have been inclined to tell her parents that a 22 year old guy is only 20. It's hard to guess since he's been out of high school for X number of years.

As it turns out, the stepkid claims that modelling the provocative underwear was the boyfriend's birthday present! Her idea. Gee, how thoughtful. I'm still rather depressed about the whole thing, but parents really don't have that much control -- and stepparents even less. At some point, there's nothing to do but wish them well and hope that they won't make too many stupid mistakes before a sense of personal responsiblity sets in.

I've never been one to equate doing well in school with being well equipped to handle personal freedom. There's really not much of a connection there. This kid is almost a straight A student, albeit at a very lax high school. I don't think she's handled her freedom very well at all. By the time she graduates HS, she'll have had more partners than I've had in my entire life.

Sigh!

**************************

The speculation above may or may not be true. However, the very reason there are age-of-consent laws is that the law recognizes that those under a certain age do not have the life experience, maturity, and long-term perspective to appreciate the consequences of their actions. That's why it's the adult involved who bears the legal penalty. I'd definitely prosecute on this.

But more than that, a 16-17 year old who acts out this way is in need of counseling. This isn't just teen sex--she's already acquired a sexually transmitted disease and posed for what sound like pornographic photos. This is beyond the usual and needs attention.

As it turns out, my speculation was true. The outfit and the posing WERE my kid's ideas and she doesn't see why any of this is even my business. Sigh! Under these circumstances, I can't see slapping the boyfriend with a possible felony conviction just because he happens to be 4 years older.

Besides, sixteen is the age of consent in Maryland and the STD came about because boyfriend #1 (NOT the boyfriend with the camera) didn't admit that he was infected. Like it or not, she HAS learned a powerful lesson from this. She now has a disease that can be subdued, but not cured. She now has to broach the subject with each new boyfriend. The implications of this are NOT lost on her.

But, in the kid's eyes, she's not acting out. She's doing what she's entitled to do with HER body and HER boyfriends. It's hard to argue with that.

and, from the sound of it, she's got no reason TO respect authority, because she's got no authority TO respect.

in one way you're lucky- you're not sending a virgin to college. they're the ones I found myself carrying home from beer bashes after having dragged them and their clothing away from the (insert group of thugs here) she was too drunk to see as a threat.

I was a lot like your daughter in my teens- only I took it all far more seriously. I knew the risks, and the rewards-if she's taking those pictures for her own fun, that's a whole lot safer than her selling them to a web smut company, and no, I wouldn't blame the dude- you know as well as I that a 17 year old girl can think and talk circles around a guy in his early 20's-

how does he treat her otherwise? honestly?

The "dude" has been out of the picture quite some time now. She got interested in some more attractive guys and dumped him. The potentials, however, didn't respond -- thinking she wasn't good "girlfriend material" and she's been "single" ever since -- not the happiest state for an HS senior, but at least she's not acquiring or spreading STDs (as far as I can tell).

Her dad is happy to buy the "good kid" act and, as long as she's doing well in school and not coming home drunk or high, I guess I can see the logic in this.

I've given up, though. I might have been a great stepmom to a less headstrong kid. In 4-5 months, she'll launch herself into her college/adult life and maybe over the long term we'll settle into some shallow truce, exchanging Christmas cards and such. This is a huge disappointment, considering what I wanted and expected when I took on a "second family", but neither she nor I was ever willing to give in -- she to accept my authority and/or be honest with me and me to buy the act and go with the floe.

But this kid WILL make it in life. She's smart and self-centered enough to handle just about any situation and maybe, just maybe, she'll figure out that she has to be a lot more honest in her love relationships than she ever was with her parents. And maybe, just maybe, some of my insistence on truthfulness and responsibility will sprout in some garden far beyond my view. I love this kid, but I hate our relationship; I really do.

and I grew up to make my parents AND my inlaws proud, and marry a genuinely nice guy who can joke about the bald fact that I've bedded more women than he did along the way...

a rampaging sex drive is NOT the same as a desperate cry for help... sometimes it's just an itch that's more fun to have someone else scratch.

the girl's a brat, no doubt- but she sounds rather less traumatized by all of this than you are.

The left side of my face swelled about and inch last night and I am majorly bummed. It's never been very good between us, but I had such nice hopes in the beginning about this "second family" and now feel hated, misunderstood and abused. How did I get myself into this? Why do I feel like a failure to boot? It's not just that I don't like her (even though I alternately love and hate her); I don't like *me*!

A 50-some-year-old doesn't have a chance against a 17-year-old. Her Dad sent to spend the night at a friend's house last night, but I'm not sure that I even want to go home tonight. I just don't want to be there.

He was out in the field when the attack occurred, then talked to the kid and told her to call a friend and arrange to sleep somewhere else that night, which she did. I don't know if he chewed her out. I do know that she told him a very different story -- she told them she threw a mug at me. Duh! That was before my face swelled out an inch.

Since then, I'm the one who's stayed away. I've spent several nights in a camper we have parked way back behind our field, one night on my boat etc. I don't feel safe at home anymore. I'm too upset and she's tasted blood. It's just too tense a situation for me to deal with. She's refused steadfastly to apologize to me, so I just don't want to be in the same room.

The hubby also went to school with the kid the following day and talked to her principal. The powers that be agreed that she was a potential danger to the other students (that surprised me, but they have a policy that says that any student that attacks a parent could also attack other students). So, she ended up taking an exam in one class (English) so that she could graduate without completing the semester. She's done and she's waiting for tickets to Washington state where she'll live with a half-sister.

The hubby also ripped up the check I'd written to pay for the kid's driver's ed classes next month and decided on his own that she wouldn't be given the car we had planned to give her or the several months of auto insurance we'd planned to provide to cover her til she was established in a job. This all surprised me very much. I'd more expected him to whitewash the whole thing, provide her with a pampered exit and then try to appease me as an afterthought.

I'm now hoping that she'll be gone within the next week or two. In the meantime, I've been amazed at how supportive friends and family have been. I've had at least four offers of places to stay, numerous survival stories from other people with rebellious teens and stepkids and even a couple offers to beat her up (no, not a good idea).

Once she's on the other side of the country, I hope to regroup emotionally and forge a better relationship with the hubby. All in all, I think he's handled this very well for a man who is likely to lose contact with his only kid. At the same time, I can't lose sight of the fact that he played the middle so much of the time that he likely worsened the relationship between the kid and I (hiding important things from me -- like when the kid came home with herpes). We're going to both need time to chill out and rebuild some trust and I need to shed the bad stepmother costume for something that's considerably more flattering.

I should say right up front that bugfarm's stepdaughter needs some SERIOUS help. She needed a professional counselor from the word go. That never heppened, it's no wonder she's messed up.

Bugfarm, I got the impression from your very first post that you have a great disliking for your step-daughter. Your posts were not about how to help her, there doesn't seem to be any desire to help her. I don't senst there ever was any desire to HELP her at all. You're ticked off because "the kid" never respected you. (That part your fault and part your husbands - not your stepdaughter's at all, she wasn't taught to respect you.)

These are the things that bother me:

"Since we started letting the kid date"

"letting the kid do whatever"

"she'll probably run off to college and be less of a challenge to me"

"Any advice on how I can relate to this arrogant, lying teenager?"

"I don't think I was meant to be a stepmother"

"In two months, maybe a little less, the wicked stepdaughter will be leaving and none too soon."

"doesn't count me as a member of her family."

You don't count her as a member of YOUR family - you just keep calling her "the kid" (except for when you call her the wicked stepdaughter or the arrogant, lying teenager) not exactly endearing.

I think the "other side of the story" would be very revealing in this thread.

~P

And do I dislike her? Well, yes and no. This site has provided me with a place to blow off some steam but, in doing so, has been exposed to only one side of my mixed feelings.

I took on this "second family" with the best of intentions and have worked very hard to make a home for us. But some kids at 9+ years old already have their way of relating to adults well firmed up and, where her natural parents were extremely laissez faire about discipline, I had rules -- like bedtimes and a few chores and NOT doing homework in front of the TV set. I'm not sure that "teaching" the kid to respect any of her parents or stepparents was still an option by the time I walked into her life. She's still extremely pissed at her parents for breaking up and for not being more pro$perou$ and $upportive. The chip she has on her shoulders is far too heavy for me to lift!

But, right now, I'm suffering. I do, in fact, love "the kid" and have tried repeatedly to establish a relationship with her that wasn't based on shopping (the only time she's been civil to me).

We're in the final countdown now. She'll be flying off to live with a half-sister in 4 weeks. If she and I ever re-establish a relationship, it probably won't be for 5, 10 or more years. Meanwhile, I'll get to move back into my home and pick up the pieces.

Yes, we all could have handled things much better, but the deck stacked against me had a pile of jokers. I'm not saying that I don't share in the blame. I'm saying that I took on a kid with a huge pile of resentment and wasn't willing to buy her affection -- so I didn't get it.

god bless kids whose parents raise them with reasonable expectations...

and god help the kids whose parents raise them to be emotional accountants.

I've babysat your kid's clones over the years- actually, I paid for my first year of college's room and board with the money I made keeping one of my classmates out of trouble- her dad would pay me $50 to keep her entertained for an evening- and I can provide a lot of entertainment for $5 ;)

believe it or not- most of these brats do just fine when they get out into the real world, and get knocked down fifteen or twenty times in a row by people who don't care as much as their parents did...

it may take 10 years, but trust me, your daughter will eat crow in the long run. and it may hurt to watch- but she won't be even close to being an adult until it happens.

I officially declare you exhonerated, and free to have a life of your own for a change.

Besides, I truly believe that my stepdaughter will do well in life. She'll need a little humbling at some point -- and I hope this doesn't come at too high a price -- but she has tremendous self-confidence, strength, tenacity and fearlessness.

And, in the interim, I do get to reclaim my life. It's no longer about what I'm doing right or wrong with respect to the stepdaughter, but about whether I'm living well and honestly and being kind to myself as well as others.

no matter how bad things got with my folks (and they got bad) it never occurred to me to duck out on chores- up to hand-waxing the car I wasn't allowed to drive. why? because it was EXPECTED of me.

and so I went to college as best prepared as my folks could make me. which meant that I was TOTALLY overqualified to be a freshman...got my loft erected the first day, made extra storage out of milk crates, found cool fabric to make curtains with, made lots of friends because I owned a power drill and knew how to use it...

and had a WONDERFUL time watching kids who didn't know how to hold a hammer, make a pot of coffee, do laundry that included sweaters, tie-dyed shirts, and unmentionables...honestly, I called my dad that first week, astounded at how completely helpless most of my classmates were.

I just wish you got to watch ;)

And, if my husband had been able to have his way, my stepdaughter would have learned all kinds of handy skills including using power tools and working on cars. But she wouldn't have it. Even as a very young child, she resisted his attempts to teach her anything. Too bad! I wish my father had tried to teach me!

Building into a kid the expectation that he/she is going to have to carry his/her own weight through life is really a Good Thing. When doing your share is drummed into a person at an early age, it isn't a struggle or a burden -- it's just part of who you are. I'm afraid my stepdaughter is going to have that chip on her shoulder -- the one that says her collective parents didn't do enough for her -- for the rest of her life. How much nicer it would be for all of us if she were, instead, telling herself how we helped her to be tough, hard-working and independent.

That must be one of those great life questions. How does a person develop self-confidence and self-esteem? Somehow my stepdaughter simply "wrote off her parents" at an early age and decided she was in charge. And, given the precarious nature of her parents' relationship, she met with little resistance. By the time I walked onto the scene, she was simply NOT willing to be parented, unless parenting meant that I took her shopping. If she'd been born into a more normal family and not been a virtual only kid (biomom had 6 other kids that she left behind when she walked out on her husband a couple years before), she'd have probably developed an entirely different way of dealing with adults -- and maybe a less self-confident, but more pliable nature.

I, on the other hand, grew up in a troubled family and retreated into myself. Even today, I have to work very hard at feeling worthy, valuing my efforts.

This issue may be no more than a side street in the old nature ve nurture debate. Some elements of personality are inborn. And biomom is a classic case of arrogance and self-confidence. She hasn't contributed one dime to the kid's upbringing in the 9 years I've been in the picture, yet she sees herself as a superior being ("high tone" in her vernacular). Even when she was living in her car, she saw herself as an intellectual powerhouse. It all sounds great on paper, but she's barely able to tie her own damned shoe laces.

I'd hoped to show the kid that one can be highly intelligent and successful at the same time. And that looking down at other people is anything BUT a sign of the superior being. Sigh!

You tried with her and it was set up against you from the start. All through your postings one question kept going through my mind: where is the mother?

You answered in the final post: absent. The biomom, as you say hasn't "contributed one dime to the kid's upbringing" nor does it sound like she contributed much else.

Your stepdaughter is enormously angry and has little self esteem or she wouldn't be taking those pictures. Self-confidence and self-esteem come from a parent paying very close attention to a child and personalities are formed in the first few years. Inattention can have serious repercussions, as you've seen, and even result in psychiatric disorders. Some children with strong personalities simply take over the house when the parents abdicate. She doesn't trust anyone and she's learned that she can feel in control through manipulation and bad behavior, as flawed as her logic may be. She doesn't trust you because she can't trust her own mother.

If you feel you've done the best you can with her, and it sounds like you have, then put your mind at rest and work on restoring harmony in your marriage.

Your husband stepped in but it sounds as if he's let you do most of the work for a long time. I hope he's apologized for the physical abuse you endured. That is unacceptable that you would have to live in fear in that way under any circumstances. That should be made clear in the future.

Bless you, because you obviously had the strength and determination to try to do what you felt was right.

Ultimately though, his daughter is his responsibility, not yours even though she's been living in your house. You love him and you stood in. But the stepmother simply isn't part of "the family of origin." Even with much more well adjusted children I've found this to be true. Few of them will accept what you have to say and perhaps its time for you to stop trying at all. Wash your hands of her and let him step in and deal with her in the future.

Of course you love her or you wouldn't have tried so hard. I think the poster who suggested there's another side to the story doesn't get this at all.

Thank you so much for your soothing remarks. Yes, I do love my stepdaughter, though I have to admit that also hated her from time to time. Our relationship always seemed to be casting me in a role that I really didn't want to play. I felt as if my choices were to allow myself to be "used" or to be seen as the hated enforcer of discipline.

Yes, biomom left when the stepdaughter was only 8 years old and spent only a week or two with her on several occasions in the intervening years. She doesn't work, lived in her car for 3-4 years and somehow never felt obligated to help in the raising of her daughter.

I love my husband, but there were times that I had to ask myself if it was worth all the trouble. If I'd had it do over again, I would NOT have taken on responsibility for this man and his daughter. I could have had a stepkid who appreciated me and a lot less stress!

I'm taking better care of myself now. I'm visiting my other (natural) daughters and their families (I have five wonderful grandkids!) and spending more time with close friends. Eventually, I'll make a stab at making peace with the stepdaughter. She is still my husband's only kid and it would be easier on all of us if we could have a civil relationship. I'm just not in any rush to re-establish the connection.