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Small Vent...

Posted by silversword (My Page) on
Wed, Sep 8, 10 at 16:19

I guess this is valid because my DH is a stepfather.... do you ever feel like you're running 100mph while everyone else is just standing there????

Yesterday I worked, picked up DD from school, drove to enroll her in a class, went to the gym for 30 min, went to the store, did two other errands, came home and put away groceries, started dinner, cleaned the kitchen, helped DD with homework, started some laundry (am I missing anything?)

I don't know what DH did. He is a hard worker. He does a lot around the house. He helps DD with her homework, etc. BUT. I can't help but feel that the whole women's lib was just a scam to get women to work harder. SERIOUSLY. And unfortunately I have a little nag in the back of my head saying "if she were his birth daughter"... Which probably isn't true.

But when I'm in my little overworked dark place, that's where I go.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Small Vent...

"do you ever feel like you're running 100mph while everyone else is just standing there????"

YES.

Sorry Silver! I wish I had some magic advice. I know what you mean about "if he were her bio dad," I am guilty of feeling that way at times, too.

If it's any consolation, I think the early part of the school year is ALAYS an adjustment----everyone is trying to get back in the routine.

Did DH know you were feeling overwhelmed?


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RE: Small Vent...

YES!!!!

When I'm in my little dark place I am convinced that DH married me so that I can be housewife/stay at home step-mom/career woman, all at the same time. Logically I know that it's completely ridiculous.... but still, when DH comes strolling in the door talking about how hard his day was, and I'm thinking that I managed to watch SS and spend some time with him, do chores around the house, start dinner, oh, and that minor detail of fitting working in there too, I just want to start screaming. Or maybe crying. Maybe both.

I would kill to have time to go to the gym; the only way I'm seeing being able to fit it in on a regular schedule is to give up sleep. But I think I'm going to have to because it helped me to stay calmer.

Anyway, I think I get stressed because I feel like DH tends to pick and choose which chores he will do and when he will do them, and I feel like the ones that have to get done, and that can't wait (cleaning kitty litter, making dinner, etc.) fall on me. Thank God school has started; I cannot wait to get settled into the new fall routine - I think.


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RE: Small Vent...

Absolutely overworked, underpaid for sure!

I'm self employed & DH has been with his employer 23 years. He gets a regular paycheck, I take 'draws' when I need them, but when business is slow or unexpected expense happens & I can't, we kinda suffer financially.

I am at work at 7am. We close at 5pm. Sometimes, I work late if things need to be done & I always work through lunch. Some nights, I work until 8 or 9pm with my second business, process serving. I work 7 days a week & take major holidays off (when we are closed). I also take care of the baby ~ arrange daycare, take him to work at times, doctor visits, & school stuff for SD as well. Both kids need to see the dentist... I'll end up taking them. DH can't leave his job & he works 30 minutes away.

DH works 8:30-5:30 (w/a lunch break) Monday-Friday & works at our business on weekends. Yet, the other day he almost got into an argument with me when I pointed out that I work more hours than he does... when he asked me what is for dinner after I had a long, hard day & didn't want to cook. He had not realized I work that many hours, because he sees that he gets a regular paycheck & I don't.

I think sometimes guys forget that we work as much as we do and take for granted that it's 'housework' or taking care of the kids.. like it's not a real job. But ask them to do it & you'd think they deserve an award or something. Kinda like when we get sick, we still drag ourselves around to get stuff done but guys get sick & act as if they are on their deathbed... with a cold.


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RE: Small Vent...

Thanks ladies. The problem is our stay-at-home kid is mine... so I feel (guilty?) asking for more kid help. I don't feel he's putting all the kid duties on me, because she's "my" kid. But I do...too...

It actually just compounded. I feel like crying. Or hitting. Something childish, anyway :) Kind of hard to explain. Went out of my way to pick up his car before the shop closed. Came home, he grouched that the tires were low. I know that if he had been the one to pick it up that would have been averted. Feel like it's my fault even though logically I know it's not. Makes me feel like screaming "pick up your own damn truck"!!! Came home. His screwdriver is stripped. Asked me what I'd done with it... um.. nothing. Well, somehow it was jacked up. Ok. Then he goes out, and starts ragging on the kid. I went out and stopped it, because she's eating and I don't think punishment while eating is good for digestion. Which, I'm breaking all my rules by challenging his parenting in front of him (we have an agreement) but it just wasn't right. Now he's in our room... laundry still out, kid still needs homework help, bedtime is half hour away and I'm in here typing because I just can't handle it.

I'm tired. It's not a big deal, it's freaking normal relationship stuff but sometimes...........

@Mattie, I have to go to the gym. I got 45 minutes there today and it makes all the difference in the world for my attitude. I finally ponied up the monthly kids club fee so I can just take DD whenever I need to go. I'm going to have to do it in the mornings too though, which means getting up at 4 or earlier, but I just don't care. Too essential to my mental/physical health. & amen on the "strolling in" part....

@ Love, no I didn't tell him... but I think he could tell. Thank you for your empathy.

Sorry to dump, it's just been one of those days.


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RE: Small Vent...

Ima, we were posting at the same time :) I agree, it's the "I took out the laundry for you, I did the dishes FOR YOU" attitude. Um. Ok. Thanks, I guess. Nevermind that I washed, dried, folded and put away the last bazillion loads/dishes.

I actually pulled out a load yesterday and brought it into the living room and he comes over to help... wow... and says "this doesn't feel warm to me" (I lost track of time and the clothes sat in the dryer for a bit). I just ignored it. I'm nearly to the point of telling him to do his own laundry (I've done it before) but the problem is that I need his clothes to make a full load. LOL.

I say "catch as catch can" when I don't want to cook. He's a big boy. He won't starve. I feed the kid, and that's it. Which makes for a fractured dinner table, that's for sure.

And this is when I say... NUCLEAR FAMILIES don't have these isses!!!!


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RE: Small Vent...

Silver said "I took out the laundry for you, I did the dishes FOR YOU"

Ooooh! That gets to me too.
I considered asking for the famous GW lamp today for this very reason!
The car is full of junk and garbage, and DH left the windows down a few weeks ago during a dust storm that was followed by a rainstorm and it's all dirty. I wanted to detail it so I can install the car seat (the only car seat inspection clinic between now and my EDD is next week, or I'd wait until closer to baby time)... I asked him to carry the vacuum outside so I could detail the car, and you'd think he'd done me the world's biggest favour!

Seriously? You spent 45 seconds carrying a vacuum. I spent 45 minutes scrubbing, polishing and vacuuming the interior of the car. Which one of us deserves a cookie for the work done on the car today? (It's not you)


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RE: Small Vent...

I feel your pain. I used to work a full time job and part time second job. A year ago, DH found out the military benefits he could receive to get a college degree. So I went to the second shift part time job because he is working full time and going to college full time. I try and ask him to do very little because he has so much going on. But honestly, between the cooking, cleaning, laundry, DD3, DS4months, and SS8 EOW and then working 36+ hours a week I am losing my mind. So I started asking him for help with little things and its whine whine whine!


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RE: Small Vent...

Your stories are making me laugh because our husbands all do the same things! My DH does the laundry, which is very nice, but.... he'll announce that he did do stuff to help out, that he spent all night doing laundry. By that he means he puts a load in, sits in the basement watching TV until it's done, takes it out and puts another load in, watches TV, etc. Sometimes it drives me crazy because I suspect that any one of you would say that you had a lovely relaxing evening, that you watched TV all night and also did a couple loads of laundry (if you even mentioned the laundry part). To DH it's a burdensome night of slavery. :)

At least a third of the time when it's his turn to cook dinner, he'll decide that he's going to take us out to eat, to a family restaurant, and isn't that nice of him? Um, no, not really. I just spent the past week with literally almost every waking moment outside of work with an eight year old, and I was really looking forward to a half-hour or hour break of heading off to the bedroom to read while he prepared dinner - not even more time with SS. Maybe I'm not supposed to realize that he's feeling too lazy to cook? :)

Don't get me wrong, I love my SS (and my DH) dearly, but SS has been requiring a massive amount of time and attention recently. (This every third weekend thing has been having a really negative effect on him; he needs almost constant reassurance and support. I feel awful for him.) I understand that I am the one who has the job with flexible hours and DH does not.

I sat DH down the other week though and asked him flat-out if he felt that someone being home with SS after school (rather than day care) was as important as working, because if he did not feel that way I was headed off to find a job not working from home and he could deal with finding someone to watch SS if he worked late, the scramble of homework, soccer, counseling, dinner prep, etc. I'd had enough of DH wandering in at 6:00 to find dinner on the table, homework done, SS feeling properly secure and cared for, only to announce how tired he was because he'd just worked all day - unlike me, apparently, who got done with work work and immediately switched into the joyous fun of housework and caring for SS.


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RE: Small Vent...

YEP! I feel the exact same way as you, Silver. DH has no one else to worry about but himself and his problems. Until 3 years ago, he hadn't actually lived every day with a child in 6 years. DS and I move in and I feel like asking him for any help with DS is asking for a "favor".

It really shouldn't be, though, right? He should be responsible for DS in more ways than just allowing him to live there, right? I do feel guilty because DH's kids have never lived with him (except for SD who was 5 when BM left DH). So I try not to expect him to be more of a parent to a kid that isn't his when he isnt able to be a parent to his own.

So I run myself ragged...all the friggin time! And we only do "family" things when it comes to DH's family. For instance, if there are birthday parties of my family members, I take DS and DH stays home (probably playing Mafia Wars or Solitaire on the dam iPhone, but I digress). But when DH's brother was visiting, we all spent the time with him.

You know what sucks the most about me being divorced and having a child from another man? The lack of feeling like a "family", and I don't think I want another child (unless I get hit really hard by the biological clock ticking time bomb). I'm afraid we will never be bonded together unless we had another baby, and that's not going to happen.


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RE: Small Vent...

ohhh Ashley. I feel bad for feeling glad that there's someone else out there who feels the same! I'm not planning on another kid either...

I think the dynamic is very different with birth mothers and stepfathers than with birth fathers and stepmothers. Somehow, usually, the women always get the short end of the parenting stick.

I don't know if DH would be more inclined to go to kid functions if she were his birth kid. I don't know.... I don't know. But I hate dragging him to things, or feeling like I'm dragging him. Last night was back to school night. He went, he acted ok, but he was kind of grumpy (as in, I don't want to/don't have to be here grumpy). That attitude puts a damper on the whole time. And it's irritating. Which makes me want to say "don't come" next time.

I feel like it's 2 and 2... with me splitting the difference... it's me and dh or it's me and dd. Not that he doesn't do anything with her or spend time with her. He's a great SF. BUT I do get these feelings.


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