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Teasing

silversword
13 years ago

Came up on another thread and I don't want to hijack, but am wondering; do you tease? Do you think it's healthy?

I tease my DD all the time... mostly about food because she can be persnickety.

Comments (106)

  • ulrike1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh my goodness, that post from the other board is a COMPLETELY different thing! That's why I think the term "teasing" isn't quite the right term for what we are talking about here. Sounds like that dude is quite abusive. That has absolutely nothing to do with what we have been talking about--affectionate joking, mutually enjoyed, versus bullying.

    And about a child threatening to run away...that can also be taken and said so many different ways. My son used to always threaten to run away, especially when it was something he knew was actually good for him. He wouldn't actually run away, it was just his dramatic way of expressing that he wished he didn't have to go to the dentist or wear a tie to a wedding. Then it became a joke in the whole family. If I served brussels sprouts, DD and SDs would say, "Uh-oh, DS is going to run away now" and he would pretend to be holding one of those hobo stick things.

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Would you regard a child threatening to run away as objecting? Or manipulative?"

    Depends. Probably a bit of both. In the case of "if you have a baby, if you bring another kid to live here, I will run away" I think it's an objection, and a manipulation. Basically, it's saying if you don't do what I want, I'll leave.

    If the nephew for some odd reason needed to come live with them I think it would behove them to explain to their daughter the reasons and that this is what we do for family.

    If the SM is joking, and the little girl is in tears, upset, freaking out, and the SM is laughing and saying "jeez, can't you take a joke, lighten up!" I would not agree with her methods.

    If SM is joking and saying the same thing and little girl is stomping her little foot and pouting her little lip and saying "if you do that, I'll just move out so there!" it's an entirely different situation.

    From the "tone" of the SM in the other post, I personally am inclined to believe it's the latter.

    Think about how many people come on this forum and really come down on their skids, calling them names, blaming them outright, etc. I just didn't get the same feeling from this SM.

    But you did. And that's your right. I could be wrong.

    An example. My dd doesn't break down in tears missing her dad unless she is not getting her way. Then, sometimes, she inexplicably starts to cry and says that she misses him. The first couple of times I fell for it (I'm sure she does miss her dad). But then I got a little niggling feeling, and instead of caving, I just sat down and said "I miss my dad too". And the CLICK was almost tangible. She looked up at me, and I could see her readjusting because she saw that her little poutfest wasn't going to work.

    I told her dad about it, and he laughed, and said she did the same thing there. When she wasn't getting her way, all of a sudden she missed mommy and wanted mommy. Ok. He misses his mommy too. And it's still time to brush your teeth.

    Manipulation isn't inherently bad. It's how kids survive. But allowing a child to run the household isn't healthy. I don't know how to clearly say what I'm intending, but I got the feeling that this little girl has had daddy around her finger and doesn't want to let go. He's guilty, and she's taking him for a ride. He needs to be the parent. He's the one to decide if a sibling enters the picture. And SM is the one who will decide if that's acceptable to her, or if she's willing to leave her marriage in order to have the child she wants.

    I was that little girl once. This isn't my first rodeo.

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  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Like I said, I hope dad is there for his daughter. Becauss I dont think the SM cares.

    If SM teases, its all in fun.

    If SD replies, she may just be manipulative.

    Hope dad gets a vasectomy

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    also, if you go back you will see that SM did not state any need or intent that her nephew would could there, just that she was "joking"

  • imamommy
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Why do you think the parenting thread on teasing is so anti? vs. this thread?"

    There were about 17 posters over a 6 year period on that thread & two actual 'OPs' describing "abusive" teasing. That's not hardly the same as the type of discussion taking place here. That's comparing apples to pears.

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY, why do you think my DD has such a clear vision of teasing that feels "good" and teasing that feels "bad"?

    I was prepared to stop it all together and admit I was wrong if indeed my DD wasn't happy with it.

    Sylvia practically said my DD would grow up hating me and withholding grandchildren if I continued to tease.

    Of course, when someone has grown up with their parent there's a level of familiarity that may not be there with a new stepparent. It's prudent to establish a basis for respect so that everyone knows they are loved.

  • sylviatexas1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "If SM teases, its all in fun.
    If SD replies, she may just be manipulative.
    Hope dad gets a vasectomy"

    Awww, now, you're just a'teasin'...
    aren't you???

    I think it's unreasonable to ask a child if your behavior bothers him/her & expect that the answer is free from the desire to please.

    When the police interview women & children after the neighbors call to report screams & thumps, the women & children almost always say no, there's no problem, he didn't hurt me, everything's fine.

    *Finally* things have advanced to the point that the police are trained to not take such answers at fact value but to look for other clues.

    "Teasing" is passive-aggressive, much like tickling & practical joking;
    the person doing it enjoys it & than the person who's having it done to him/her does not.

    Even if your child is going through his bathroom-humor-stage & really does think that boogers & cat crap sandwiches are hilarious, his teachers might not, other children might not, other children's parents almost certainly will not, & I very much doubt that the boogers/cat doodie/etc are as funny when it's suggested that the child will have to eat them.

    Similarly to what dotz said, if I or my ex had heard of his children's mother or her boyfriend or husband talking to the kids like that (or if the ex had heard me talking like that) the cat crap sandwich would have hit the fan.

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    No, I think men who do not want kids have equal responsiblity for birth control. And if they have reached a final decision, that is the answer (vasectomy), and especially if they suspect they can rely on any sexual partner taking precautions.

  • ulrike1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY and Sylvia, it sounds like for both of you, your preferred communication style does not include nuanced, ironic constructions. And that's fine, the degree of straightforward vs. layered flavor is an individual thing. But you two are judging something you don't understand when you condemn good-natured family joking. It can be a profound bonding behavior all around.

  • sylviatexas1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Nope.

    I'm not condemning something I don't understand;
    I understand it very well, thank you.

    If all the grown-ups in the world want to indulge in "nuanced, ironic constructions" (are you sure cat crap falls into that category?), that's one thing, but to dish it up to any child, particularly in a potentially loaded situation such as a blended or step-family, is *not* cute or clever or decent.

  • jennmonkey
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    All I can say is thank goodness we were a joking, good natured teasing family that I grew up in. We weren't mean spirited but constantly joked with each other, and now we are all perfectly fine, well rounded adults with good sense of humor. There is a huge difference in good natured teasing, and mean spirited teasing. Teasing about something that makes someone cry is mean. This isn't what we're talking about.

    My mom was definitely the cat poop sandwich type of mom, and I was told often as a child that I was adopted from aliens because I couldn't possibly be their child, haha. I never got my feelings hurt...I never thought my mom would ACTUALLY make me eat poop, and I knew I wasn't adopted from aliens. Once my mom and her friend picked me up from jr. high in the mini-van with all the little kids in the car blasting country music as loud as possible (which was NOT "cool" where I came from). Was I embarrassed, yeah a little, that was the point...was I mad? of course not, it was hilarious, even at the time I could see that.

    And if we threatened to run away my parents always said, "don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out". We never ran away.

    I guess nobody will ever agree on this topic because we all have different senses of humor and find different things funny...but nobody would ever accuse anyone in my family of not having healthy senses of humor.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I personally have very close relationship with DD, we are constantly joking with each other and we always had good relationship. But I never treated her as an easy target of sarcasm or making fun of her or trick her into anything (if i ever did i admitted my mistake and still feel guilty).

    Children are very easy targets of such behavior. I think it is taking advantage of them, they can't always reply with the same pranks due to age difference.

    Some adults think they are having fun, then years later people are surprised that their children grow up and are estranged from them.

    Or they are surprised their children have emotional issues, are not maturing, wet their beds until almost adulthood, have trouble in school etc Kids might be laughing with you at your pranks but you don't know what they feel inside.

    I also do not understand how same parents are into rules and consequences but then make fun of the kids? What kind of treatment is that?

    Such hot and cold treatment is borderline emotional abuse.

  • ulrike1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Sylvia, your response confirms that you don't understand--or perhaps you have never experienced?--warmhearted family joking. You say irony is only for children; again, perhaps you know no children who enjoy complex, multilayered communication? Not all do. But for children who love to communicate like that, for whom it is their style, there is nothing more exquisite than the pleasure of irony. My kids started it when they were very, very litte. After my DD was potty trained, she would come into the room, make a sorrowful face and say, "I had a accident." Then when I would turn around she would say, "No, I dry!" Just tickled that she had "fooled" me. And then I would say, "Oh dear, guess we better change your pants!" and pretend I didn't get the joke, which would crack her up all the more. She would also claim her older brother "had a accident," and I would pretend to chide him. Was she abusive? Hard for me to think so. Was it "borderline abuse" that I pretended to believe her claim?

    I get what you're saying, that there is an unkind type of teasing. I had a great-uncle whose jests were mean-spirited and unwelcome by my family. We realized later on that he just wasn't good at doing what everyone else in the family did. It didn't come naturally to him, and so he mistakenly teased people about things that would be hurtful, rather than in a fun, accepting way. The kind of teasing that gives it a bad name!

  • imamommy
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "And if we threatened to run away my parents always said, "don't let the door hit you in the butt on your way out". We never ran away."

    lol, I remember my parents telling me they were going to send me to a foster home because I said I didn't like their rules. Or if I threatened to run away, they'd ask me if I need a ride and which way I'm going? Besides joking/teasing, they were also letting me know they were not going to allow me to manipulate with idle threats.

    My kids would tell me "yes, mommy dearest!" when they thought I was being strict or too rigid.... "NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!" (lol, I would buy only plastic ones)

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I think it's unreasonable to ask a child if your behavior bothers him/her & expect that the answer is free from the desire to please."

    Really? I don't think so. I am very honest with my daughter and I think it's very reasonable to ask if something bothers her or if things are ok. I actually think it's critical for children to answer questions without fear of not pleasing mommy by giving the 'wrong' answer. If not, there is a huge potential for abusive situations.

    "Teasing" is passive-aggressive, much like tickling & practical joking; the person doing it enjoys it & than the person who's having it done to him/her does not.

    That may be your experience, but as my eight year old said, the difference to her is 'good teasing' is when both people are laughing. 'Bad teasing' is when the person teasing is laughing and the other person is crying.

    Tickling can be abusive, sure. My dd asks me to tickle her though... is that abusive? I enjoy her laughing, but I don't ever do it so much she's upset or not asking for more. That's not fun for me. I really just want to have fun WITH her, not at her expense, not if she's not having a good time too. I think it was very reasonable for me to ask how my daughter felt about teasing, and then say that I don't want to hurt her and if teasing isn't fun for her I will stop. That kind of open dialogue is critical. And it's the kind of relationship we have.

    "...easy target of sarcasm or making fun of her or trick her into anything... I also do not understand how same parents are into rules and consequences but then make fun of the kids? What kind of treatment is that? Such hot and cold treatment is borderline emotional abuse."

    WAIT... Make fun? Who is saying making fun of someone is ok? I don't make fun of my child. Rules and consequences are a part of life. Tell me you don't follow rules or accept the consequences if you break rules.... Do you drive a car?

    "Trick" indicates disappointment or coersion or manipulating someone to do something they wouldn't do otherwise. Like giving someone a cookie and then laughing once they took a bite because it was the one that dropped on the floor. That's not funny to me because who wants to eat nasty cookies? The person who ate it wouldn't be laughing, they'd be embarassed or angry or hurt. And I wouldn't be laughing, because that wouldn't be fun. But I might tell DD that she might not want to eat any of those cookies because I licked them all first... because I wanted to have them all to myself! It's the absurdity that makes it funny.

    When I joke or tease my motivation is to get DD to laugh or to be silly with her. Like the dog will be sitting by us and will lick me, and I'll say, Wow DD, that sure was a wet kiss you just gave me... what a loooonnng tongue you have, and EWWWWW stinky breath too! and she'll giggle and say moooommmm... it wasn't me, it was doggie! And then I'll say WHEW, thank goodness, I was afraid we needed to make an emergency trip to the dentist!

    KKNY, I completely agree with you. If dad really doesn't want more kids, he should get a vasectomy.

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    How to Poke Fun

    Teasing can actually bring couples closer. Poking fun is in fact an indispensable social tool, vital to all healthy relationships.
    By Hara Estroff Marano, published on November 01, 1999 - last reviewed on September 21, 2006

    From the outside, teasing seems to be a twisted pleasure: affectionate and sort of insulting all at once. But Berkeley psychologist Dacher Keltner, Ph.D, declares that poking fun is in fact an indispensable social tool, vital to all healthy relationships.

    "Teasing is a way, when done appropriately, for people to correct others' costly mistakes," says Keltner, who published his findings in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. "It helps bring people closer."

    Yet according to Keltner, who's been studying the tease for over a decade, it is one of the most misunderstood of social behaviors. Anglo-Americans have a particularly negative view of affectionate tormenting, focusing almost exclusively on its darker side: bullying, victimization and sexual harassment. Anglo-Saxon culture can be inhibited, and teasing is a disinhibited behavior, Keltner explains.

    By contrast, in Mediterranean, African and Central American societies, which are much less restrained, teasing is just part of the drama played out in everyday social life.

    Indeed, teasing occupies a fine and fleeting line between aggression and play. The aggressive aspect of it consists of criticism that threatens a person's "face," or desired social identity. But since the driving force behind teasing is a yearning to maintain harmonious social relationships, teasers engage in redressive action�they deploy humorous or playful tactics signaling that the criticism should not be taken as a condemnation. Exaggerated tone of voice, elongated vowels, unusual facial expressions, a little laugh just before or after the tease�a range of more or less subtle "paralinguistic" markers remind the teasee that they are loved despite the flaw�and maybe even more for it.

    Teasing teaches us the elements of communication. It is fundamentally ambiguous, so it forces us to pay attention to all aspects of an interaction in order to decipher its meaning. Whether a tease lands as intended depends in part on the relationship between the teaser and teasee. When the powerful pick on the the weaker, the power differential obscures all the play in teasing. Similarly, when cold and unfriendly people tease anyone at all, their actions generate more anxiety, pain and embarrassment than amusement. The intention of the tease is called into question, and the game loses its balance�it becomes far more fun for the teaser than teasee. Still, whether teasing is done between lovers, friends, or parents and children, partners in play invariably wind up liking each other more, Keltner has found.

    The more satisfied couples are with their relationship, the more playful their signs and signals: coy smiles, the sticking out of the tongue, laughter, bizarre facial expressions, unusual voice inflection and physical touching wrapped around the aggressive core of the tease. Both partners feel more positive emotion after poking fun, says Keltner. Indeed, what is flirtation but a series of teases?

    But men and women may respond differently to this form of play: Women tend to get hurt by the pinch, while their partners become more aroused. "Men always find ambiguous social stimuli more sexually suggestive than women do," explains Keltner. "What's more, teasing has an affiliative component, which men interpret as a sign of sexual interest." It may be that men are just more used to teasing, as they tend to tease more throughout the course of life. At the same time, women seem to have a stronger emotional reaction to potentially hostile stimuli.

    Nonetheless, the sexes cling to the same themes as they taunt, with women focusing on personal habits and sexual issues especially their partner's sexual readiness and excessive desire and men on their partner's physical characteristics.

    Despite its potential for misuse, poking fun in fact oxygenates social life. As it is strategically ambiguous and based on the assumption that individuals are close enough to tease, it gives relationships breathing room especially around potentially troublesome issues while simultaneously deepening the intimacy of the relationship. Teasing's side effect shared laughter brings loved ones even closer.

    Teasing allows us to:
    �Convey social standards and morals of a group.
    �Establish hierarchies and play out power differences; alternately, it can bring people down to our level.
    �Form bonds; the act of sharing laughter brings people closer.
    �Probe or feel the limits of a relationship or the dimensions of another's character. One can almost always pull back onto safe ground by saying "just teasing."
    �Manage conflicting or difficult emotions. For example, according to anthropologists, African-American children developed "sounding"a ritualized and playful form of insult as a tool to cope with hostility often lobbed at them in the larger culture.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    kkny said: "a lot of threads on estranged kids also. hmmm. "

    what a good point...then years later people wonder why their kids are estranged from them...

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    silvers, that's exactly what you do. You trick your kid into eating foods that you lie to her about, yes it didn't fall on the floor but it wasn't what you said it was. I think ti is the same as feeding cookie that fell on the floor. Yes you do make fun of her because she falls of her bike. Then in your last post you claim these are all wrong things to do (making fun and tricking them), then why are you doing it? Just to have fun? is it good enough reason?

    as about rules and consequences, they have to apply to adults as well. I think there are always consequences for treating kids like they are mindless little creatures that make the whole family laugh. And teaches kids very wrong values.

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Silver, we can both teasing articles. Note however, that your says teasing can allow people to convey standards, correct mistakes, etc.

    Fact that OP gave was that DAD said no more kids. So SM is not trying to use tease to convey standards.

    Here is a link to another teasing article, about how it can damage people

    http://www.lcisd.org/parents/txcoopext_familylife_teasingbullying.pdf

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    One of the articles seems to be about couples rather than adults and children. I think there is a big difference between intimate partners teasing each other and adults making fun of their kids. Most of the time children cannot reply with the same pranks. They just don't have the same resources. Just because kids say "it's OK mommy" does not mean it is OK.

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Parent of one,

    It is not always clear to me if stepmoms care if kid is estranged. One just reads advice columns where they say oh I took care of this kid like a mom, and now she wont speak to me, not invited to her wedding, dont get to see grandkids.

  • dotz_gw
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY, I think you should start a new thread on estranged Steps....I m sure teasing isnt the only reason for estrangements, altho it could be one....DH being estranged from both his kids now, would be interested in the subject....

  • kkny
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The parenting board has lots of estranged threads. My only comment is that if a step or a parent "teases" in a way that a child finds upsetting, I would not be suprised at issues later down the road.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    kkny it looks like some people don't even care if their own children get hurt, then are surprised when kids are estranged. so i am sure it is the same with stepkids.

    dotz I think estrangement was mentioned because it often is unfortunate consequence of mistakes parents make. something what feels like a minor thing for adult is not that minor for a child...and true there are many threads on estrangement. of course it is sometimes not parents' fault yet often it is.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    unfortunately some children would do anything to please their parents, they just wouldn't stand up for themselves. it does not mean they are enjoying it.

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "You trick your kid into eating foods that you lie to her about"

    So you see no difference between feeding someone dirty food or telling them it's something that it's not (and making it silly, which a lot of kids can appreciate?)

    I would never give my dd something that was dirty or unsanitary. But I will joke with her about food. The difference between "ha ha, you just drank water from the dog bowl" and "octopus eyeballs" is a nuance I guess is a little too subtle for you. We eat food in my house that is probably considered very gross to many of you but in our culture is delicious. AND, if dd hadn't looked at the mozerella balls cross eyed to begin with, I probably wouldn't have said anything. But I simply can't abide the attitude of people who won't give something a try based on how it looks.

    Since she's one of the more adventureous foodies I know and always willing to try something different, (jellyfish salad anyone?) I don't think she's being harmed one bit.

    What do you think about Halloween fun houses? Are the grapes and spagetti and jello (the eyeballs, the brains, the belly fat) damaging to our kids too because we are lying to them about reality?

    I'm estranged from my mother, and it's not because she teased me. It's because of many other, very deep and personal issues. I was estranged from my father for years, and it's not because he teased me. It's because he would not acknowledge that his wife was toxic toward me and he wouldn't defend me. I really enjoy joking with my dad, and he teases me all the time. It actually horrifies me that you would put the benign teasing we're talking about here on the same level as the woman who received the turkey neck every holiday and is subsequently petrified of the humiliation.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    we do eat foods that are considered gross by other cultures as well, but we call it what it is. DD actually eats literally everything and did so since she was a young child, but I never had any need to lie about nature of her meal. Your child appears to be adventurous (although I don't think sushi or mozarella cheese or squid is that adventurous, maybe depends where one lives?) because she does not know what she eats, eats mozarella or raw shrimp or fish egg thinking it is something else, it is not adventurous, it is just using the fact that your child is gullible and trusts her mommy. I don't see any point. I could see tricking a child to take her medicine as it is life and death question but other than that why not be honest?

    If you wanted your child to try different foods you could maybe give it different presentation, but why lie? your estrangement from your parents is probably due to them exhibiting inconsiderate behavior towards you, I think tricking your kid falls in the same category, maybe not as severe.

  • imamommy
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I could see tricking a child to take her medicine as it is life and death question but other than that why not be honest?"

    See, I would disagree with 'tricking' a child to take their medicine. Why shouldn't you tell them the truth about what medications they ingest? Why not tell them they HAVE to take it because it will make them better? Doesn't that teach them to take responsibility for their health? I would tease them about the icky taste.. make the icky faces with them and laugh about it... but we gotta take the medicine so you can get better. If I said "this pill is candy" so they take it, then they might think it's okay to get into the 'candy'... they should know it's medicine, has a purpose and if taken incorrectly, can be dangerous.

  • lovehadley
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    " If I said "this pill is candy" so they take it, then they might think it's okay to get into the 'candy'... they should know it's medicine, has a purpose and if taken incorrectly, can be dangerous."

    Absolutely.

  • sylviatexas1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Sylvia, your response confirms that you don't understand"

    Yes, I do understand.

  • justnotmartha
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    How in the world did teasing make the leap to lying and trickery? Do y'all really believe our kids would think we would have them eating cat poop or eyeballs? Are you, and your children, that literal that you can't make a joke, and they can't take it? Do you have a relationship that your kids don't tease you for having eyes in the back of your head or something equally as ridiculous? Do you really think our kids -step or otherwise- who know us and understand us really think we will feed them cat poop? You don't think families know how to establish, following the lead of their children, boundaries?

    All this abusive bs regarding teasing, when done in the matter each person here has described, is silly. Being able to find the quirky humor in a situation, or fabricate and laugh at absurd ideas or situations, is a life skill.
    Bullying or berating another person is something entirely different, and not what this thread was started about.

    I bet family dinners at your house are a real blast. I'd much prefer you pass a cat poop sandwich.

  • sylviatexas1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    If you can keep up your appetite after someone has offered you a cat poop sandwich, more power to you, but it's still disgustingly rude & mean-spirited to offer it to any diner.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    like I said life and death question, they die if they don't take it. no one died from not tasting mozarella. There are foods that i like and other people hate. i see no point in telling them that caviar is blueberry jam or tell vegetarians that piece of chicken is actually soy. what's the purpose, how is it funny?

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    JNM we are not literal at all. I and DD constantly joke around, we have the goofiest relationship, we have inside jokes and goofy names for each other. We like the same movies and books and laugh at same stuff. But i never made fun of her, if i ever did, i apologized. DD was (i think still is)scared of zombies, i know it is stupid, but i think it is evil to tease her about zombies.

    JNM cat poop is clearly unrealistic joke, kids wouldn't think you feed them cat poop unless of course they are so immature. I think if a child truly believes they are eating cat poop, there is a serious issue there.

    But if a child believes she is fed octopus (which has mild fishy taste) yet when it melts in her mouth she realizes it is cheese it is unkind. and mom laughs at it.

    is it funny that kid actually thinks that cheese looks the same as octopus eyes or she thinks that octopus eyes are that big or that white? or is it funny that kid is so gullible and naive? Like why? what's the goal? It is a joke on kid's expense.

  • imamommy
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Now you are talking about outright lying... joking that a cheeseball is an eyeball is not a lie. I doubt anyone, even a child will really believe you are giving them an actual eyeball to eat... though there are some in my family that eat cow tongue, brains & intestines. Personally, all those sound very disgusting to me but as a kid, I loved pig feet. As an adult, I love Menudo... made with cow tripe ~the lining of the stomach~ I would never lie and say there's no meat in this when giving a dish to a vegetarian... though once I did accidentally use spaghetti sauce w/mushrooms in a lasagna. My husband HATES mushrooms ~he calls it fungus, refusing to use the word mushroom~ but he said it was the best lasagna he's ever had. Only the next day when my son was eating leftovers, did we realize it had mushrooms when he told me I can't believe stepdad at that... my guess is that DH never tried mushrooms but somehow it SOUNDED yucky. He still won't eat them but I tease him about how he ate fungus. He laughs too. It's funny because we can laugh at stuff and not be so uptight that everything is so serious... it's called having a sense of HUMOR.

    Some families joke and laugh more than others.... so this is an argument nobody will win.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    people do eat eyes, salmon eye is a delicacy for Inuit for example.

    well i would think most children wouldn't believe that they are fed octopus eye, but silverswood's child believed it for whatever reason. that's why it is cruel to laugh at her when she realizes it is cheese only after she tried it. if she is easy to be tricked, it is mean to laugh at her.

    of course we joke about food, but we respect each others right to eat or not eat certain foods and we don't trick anyone into eating anything unless it happens accidentally.

  • sylviatexas1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Making food into a cruel joke could give a person an eating disorder.

    but how *funny* that would be!

    think of the laughs you can have about your child or your partner's child gagging, throwing up, losing weight, going to therapy!

    Therapy!

    Now there's a whole new comedic subject!

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Wow. I didn't laugh at her after she tasted it. She laughed. And I laughed. "no one died from not tasting mozerella." indeed.

    I would never lie about medicine. If it's a choice of life or death I wouldn't take the time to be trying to convince a child it was yummy or magic flying juice. I'd convey to her the importance.

    Fish eye soup is great. Octopus eyeballs are actually pretty good as well.

    I would never lie to a vegeterian about meat being in a dish. Why would someone try to do something that is absolutely against their dietary specifications? That would be cruel.

    Sylvia, your definition of "cruel" is so far removed from mine, I don't even think it's worth discussing. My DD loves food, she loves joking about food.

    PO1, to tease your DD about something she's scared of, like Zombies, would be cruel. My dd has a fear and we never tease her about it, saying the X are gonna get you or anything of the kind.

    Context: "ew, mom, what's that"
    occctapuuuss eyeballs (grin)
    "ewww"
    here, try some....
    bites gingerly into one of the balls....
    "mommmm! it's cheese!"

    Yep. Call CPS. She hasn't picked up a fork since and has reverted to peeing the bed.

    Pass the cat-poop sandwiches, please.

  • lovehadley
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Yep. Call CPS. She hasn't picked up a fork since and has reverted to peeing the bed.

    Pass the cat-poop sandwiches, please"

    HAAAAAA.

    Tonight we had dinner at my mom's house, and DD wanted to play this game called Fortunately/Unfortunately.

    IE--I will say, "Fortunately, I got a new coat today" and then the next person has to say something to go along with that. "Unfortunately, it had a spider in the pocket."

    Get it?

    So we get to DD and she says "Unortunately, my gorilla and his girlfriend gorilla had baby gorillas and we had to take care of all of them" and then DH was next and he said, "Fortunately, the babies looked just like DD."

    SHE busted up laughing. Teasing? Of course. Funny? Yes.

    I am astounded that some families really don't tease. My mom was poking fun at me about a car accident I was in when I was 16---very minor, I was already stopped at a redlight, and I rolled into the car in front of me. My foot had slipped off the break. Why? I was brushing lint off my black pants!

    They were all poking fun about my flightiness at the time.

    Was I offended? Of course not!

    Teasing and good natured humor is always fun!

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    There is a fine line between good humor and making fun of child's gullible nature. First is healthy, the second is not. Everyone decides where is that fine line, and usually only time will tell.

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I love it! I will have to introduce that game to DD. Tonight she hurt her ankle on the coffee table. I reached down, scooped her up, and kissed it. Then I recoiled in mock disgust...

    cough cough...cough... stinky feet!!!
    kiss
    kiss
    cough, cough....pppppppp uuuuuuuu!

    then the dog comes over, and does a little dance sniff thing, and I said, wow, even the dog thinks your feet are stinky!

    (dd giggles)

    I kiss her ankle again... cough a few more times, dramatically.

    Then.... and she licks her butt..... boy, your feet must really be stinky if the dog thinks they smell bad!


    Question: If you don't "tease" your kids, how do you get them to come out of funks? How do you get them to giggle after pain? I had a little girl get stung the other day and instead of making her think she should be hurting I tried to turn it around, joking about the mean old bug and how scared the bug must have felt when her GIANT foot came crashing down and the bug "peed" her stinger she was so scared... etc...

    I had people next to me who wanted to go the "poor you" route, but I think, as the 4 year old was out of my arms and dancing down the grass within minutes, my way was quite effective. I gave her a choice... here's where we can choose to cry, or to laugh... whatddya think? she choose to laugh. My kind of kid.

  • parent_of_one
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    we always played and still play around with DD, joking around with your loved ones is a part of life. I don't know how to raise kids without goofing around, it must be boring. I goof around with my students (of course not the same way as with my kid LOL). I goof around with my 8-year-old niece all the time, she is hilarious. Hopefully nobody has problems with joking and having fun. Good humor is great. Some other things not so much...

  • mattie_gt
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The teasing about food subject is making me laugh. My father used to cook many exotic dishes, and I can tell you the words that struck fear into our hearts - "Don't worry what it is, just eat it." We could have (and still can) deal with eating damn near anything so long as we know what it is, but believe me that a kid can think up a lot more disgusting things than tripe, tongue, or octopus eyeballs if they don't know what they're being forced to eat. (Once I was absolutely convinced that my father had made us squashed dead baby robins for dinner; I have no idea why I thought this.)

    SS has to try a bite of everything except weird meats (not that we often make weird meats). I remember all too well poking at some unidentifiable body part from some unknown animal and that feeling of dread knowing that I was not leaving the table until I ate all of it, and then I'd find out what I'd just ingested.

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Mattie, what an imagination! Squashed dead baby robins??!!

  • sylviatexas1
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm just afraid that if anyone past or present forced me to eat something weird or suggested that what I was being forced to eat or had just eaten was something disgusting, I would puke all over that witty person.

    & wouldn't *that* be hilarious??

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    How rude! At my house we encourage puking *away* from others.

  • justnotmartha
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    pass to the right, puke to the left! :)

  • ceph
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Uh, Sylvia? Did you stop to think that if any of our family members had weak stomachs, we wouldn't tease about icky food items?
    We "teasers" in this thread only tease about things that aren't triggers for our own families. Icky food is apparently a trigger for you, so if you were in my family, we wouldn't tease about that subject.

  • mattie_gt
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I worked with a woman who said her siblings had to eat everything on their plates, but she had gotten a pass on that because she could and did puke if she was forced to eat food she didn't like. I was jealous. :-)

  • silversword
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    LOL justnot.

    My dd has only puked twice in her life, both times from being ill. The kid eats EVERYTHING. That said, she once tried the "I'm gonna puke" on me and I told her if she did, she'd be considered to be ill and she'd be going to bed.

    Well. Needless to say, she stopped gacking and started eating. If she were truly going to puke because she was sick she would have just done it. It was a power trip.

    DD "didn't like" quesadillas and I "forced" her to try some. Kid cannot get enough of them now. Also, mango, scalloped potatoes, stuffing and a myriad of other foods. DH and I tease that we're not going to have her try things she says she doesn't like if it's something we DO like because she eats as much as an adult.... more for us!!!

    And she's a pip of a thing. Only 45" tall and 45lbs. But she can power down a full order of Pho (I can't even usually finish one) or a couple of bowls of spaghetti with big meatballs no problem. I'm expecting a growth spurt any year now!