Marrying Widower with Adult Children
sweet3643
16 years ago
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cindy_pond
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For those whose adult children are estranged....
Comments (27)Hello, i'm new to this, but felt i really needed to reach out because i feel i'm at my darkest hour and i really need someone to tell me i'm not alone. I have two children, ages 19 (daughter) and 16(son), their father and i divorced 6 years ago, and under special circumstances, he was the primary guardian and i the secondary one. In 2007 i made the worst decision of my life, i had gotten remarried to someone in Jordan, i was only supposed to be there for three months. 1 year and a half later, i finally managed to escape and come back home. My ordeal in Jordan was severely traumatic, i was severely abused, tortured, and left for dead. I remember calling my ex-husband here in canada to help me because i knew i would die there if someone didn't get me out, what i got was 'you made your bed, you can lie in it, as for the children, if you ever want to see them again, you'll have to go through family court'. When i heard the dial tone i felt all was lost. Somehow, i made it back, the only thing keeping me alive everyday i was tortured was the thought of seeing my children again ( my children and i were extremely close before i left, and i never foresaw that my passport and all my ID would be taken,,). Once i came back i was in for a huge shock. In the time that i was gone, it didn't take long for my ex-husband to tell the children that i had chosen to stay and didn't want anything to do with them. They were so young, and he broke their hearts, i never knew any of this until i had come back. I came back in 2009 and i have tried everything, i was patient and i loved them without bounds, and over and over again i tried to prove myself to them, but the damage has been done. With all of this, i moved back with my parents and my children are with their father on a military base. They are only 4 hours away, but i am not to call, write, or even visit. My daughter has told me she wants nothing to do with me, as for my son, his father has told him he wants nothing to do with me, but that if he wants to he can. What child would ever go against their parent if they're the one with the money and house, etc.? I'm in school and am graduating in about 2 weeks. Once i get a salary, i'll be saving money to get my own place, etc. Not a night goes by where i don't cry or miss my children so much that the pain is killing me everyday, i really feel i have no purpose in life anymore, my children were my world, and they don't want to have anything to do with me, it's been like this since i left, but even worse since 2009. My daughter has openly admitted that she could not care if i lived or died and wants no communication from me, as for my son, he will not communicate at all, they have my phone number and email,,but nothing,,,i feel this pain will completely crush me and i have no idea what to do,,,the oeverwhelming hatred i feel for my ex is also wearing me out,,,i just want to know if things do get better as time goes by, and if it doesn't, how do i go on living when i hear their voices in my head from when they were young children all the time?...See MoreUngrateful Adult Children
Comments (2)Dear ellasmomma, I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreaking experience with your daughter. Is she your only child? I am also writing a book right now about my youngest child, a daughter, who is a drug addict and has been back and forth from the streets to our house. She almost died in the fall of 2011 from septicemia and now has Hep C with an enlarged liver, Lupus, damaged heart, damaged veins, damaged lungs. The bacteria went through her body like a speeding train. She is lucky it didn't go to her brain or she would have died. God spared her for a reason, yet this past Mothers Day, she suddendly left again after 9 1/2 months of sobriety. Gone. We don't know where she is. Stoled money from her grandmother, $688 from various ATM machines before we discovered what was happening, and haven't seen her since. She suffers from depression, severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. No excuse I guess, but it doesn't help. She has two precious daughters that are in the custody of her ex husband and his parents that we are not permitted to see and haven't seen in 2 years. If not for my husband and I, those little girls might be dead now. Both my daughter and son in law were IV drug users and drug sellers. They had people in and out of their house constantly. They had people living there, felons. They had guns in the house, syringes laying around. My daughter shot up Oxycodone during her pregnancy and when the baby was 2 months old, I had enough. The husband's parents are rich and supplied them with the drug money, the house, their truck and the utilities. Their son was on probation, so I called the probation officer and had him arrested and the children removed. Somehow his mother and father got temporary custody. My daughter was thrilled because she was mad at me. Until she realized how tightly they had their hands on her girls. Now it's not so funny. Her now ex husband lives with is mommy and daddy, all his bills are paid, the girls are taken care of and that part is great, but they do not let my daughter see the girls but once in a great while. Even when she was sober. And they didn't let her see them on Mothers Day. We believe that was the trigger. But, she is also nasty to me and her dad. Ungrateful for all that we have done for her. The several times she lived with us over the last 2 years, she was very disrespectful. She spent 3 months in the hospital, and was very demanding when she started getting better. Her dad visited her every day, but I got tired of it. I got tired of her sarcastic and arrogant attitude. Bottom line: She is angry at me still for calling the probation officer that caused her daughters being taken away from her. She is holding a grudge. So, now that she is gone again just like before she doesn't call us and let us know if she is ok. And in the last 2 years, we have never heard her say thank you for all we did for her. Just comments about how nice it was to have a bed to sleep in as opposed to sleeping on a bench. Our son? Told us that he doesn't want to hang around us, that the only "stable person in the family is him". So we can only go to his house to visit on the other side of the state when he invites us. He is married and we have a grandson. He just got out of the Navy, has a great job and goes to college. His wife is very educated also. Very sweet girl. I have no idea what she must think. We are terribly hurt. This just started. And our oldest daughter with the masters degree? She just got back from the Peace Corp in Africa. Oh, when she needed all the stuff sent to her, including money, we sent it. When she got back, she stayed with her grandmother instead of us because she said she was going to be too busy preparing resumes and sending them out to be visiting with us. So, we hardly saw her! Then, she left for the Appalachian Trail with a good friend for a 6 month hike. Oh, she was able to stay in touch with friends and job prospects and her boyfriend in New Zealand via Skype while on the trail, but she never called or skyped us! Then, she got back, stayed about two weeks, met up with her boyfriend, was very aloof with me so I had a talk with her. It ended up in an arguement at which she cried so I shut up. She left in June of last year for Seattle where she got her new job and now lives and she has called us twice since then. She has called us twice. I got a Mothers Day card that simply said "I hope you have the Mothers Day you deserve". Hallmark card at least. I don't know how to interpret that. My son sent me a card, but you can bet his wife sent it. My husband didn't get a Fathers Day card from our son and the card he got from our daughter was a silly one, not her usual type. They used to call us. They don't anymore. So here is the point to my long story, ellasmomma. I have cried so many tears in the last 3 years I can't tell you. I haven't spent the amount of money you have, but I can tell you that the horror stories are about the same when it comes to the youngest daughter. Suffice to say, all we can do is pray to God for peace in OUR hearts first. Pray that He removes the anger, the anxiety, the worry, the frustration, the loss, the grief ,,,,,all those feelings that a mother feels in a situation like this. And believe me, I know how you feel. Its like someone reached down in your chest and ripped your heart right out while it was still beating. How could the child you gave life to treat you like this, right? Well, there is no way to know that answer. So, find peace in yourself first. However you do that. If you know God, then I suggest you pray. If God is not your higher being, then find the peace in the way you know how. Then, hand the situation over to God. Just give it to Him. He says we are to cast our cares to Him. He wants our cares! We are to trust Him! You can fall back with your eyes closed and He will catch you. So give your daughter over to Him. Then, you will have to do the hardest part ever. Pray for your son in law to be. Pray for blessings on them both. Pray for blessings on their family and pray for all three of them every day. You can't change them. You can only change you. So pray for YOUR peace first, then pray for them. Once you have given that family and yourself over to the higher power, you will be amazed at the changes in your life. But, you have to stay true and obedient to your prayers and try not to get frustrated and angry and caught up in the drama. If your daughter calls with drama, put it back on her. Don't accept it. She is an adult. She has made her decisions. If you want to go to the wedding, go. If you don't, then don't. Do what your heart tells you is best. But do not accept any negative drama into your life. You don't deserve it. Remember, you cannot change her, only YOU. I will be praying for you also. God bless you. And, peace be with you, ellasmomma....See Moredealing with adult children and step children
Comments (9)I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance......See MoreI'm a widow an have boyfriend with adult kids
Comments (16)Thanks everyone, he is a wonderful man and will compromise in most areas. And yes my family hasn't accepted him as easy as his did. So I'm working on that. All mine going out to dinner tomorrow and coming back to our home to visit. With the passing of my belated they seem to have needed more time, however they love me and will on their time. Back to my bf, the Sunday thing I believe is a expected from him, not fair to kids. He left a marriage went wrong. Mutual agreement. He has a fit when they can't come and I feel joy inside. I'm sure we will work it out, I'm crazy in love with him...See Moreloladoon
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