Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Posted by sweet3643 (My Page) on
Tue, Sep 18, 07 at 12:45

Somebody help me, please! I am about to marry a widower whose wife died 5 years ago. He has three adult daughters (one who lives with him), and to say that they are opposed to him re-marrying would be an understatement. Perhaps I was a bit naive, but this has really caught me off guard. By his own admission (and his friends), he has been a very lonely and sad man since his wife died. Now, all of his friends and colleagues tease him about how happy he's been over the past two years since we've been in a relationship. So, I would think his daughters would be happy for him also -- especially since they say they want him to be happy. One of them was honest enough to say up front that she just wasn't ready (the one who lives with him). She was never rude, but I knew exactly how she felt. The other two SAID they were happy for him, but I've discovered that they are being very conniving and deceitful, and saying things about me that just aren't true. It appears that they are very concerned about material things and they think I'm simply out to get what he has. I'm an independent career woman, and that is the least thing on my mind. With them being adults, they certainly don't need a mother... but I would like to be friends with them -- or at least have a cordial relationship with them -- for the sake of their dad. But... with all of the things they have said and done, I'm starting to build up a lot of resentment toward them and I can see things getting worse. Let me also say that this is a family that, on the outside, was a perfect happy family. But I can clearly see that it's also a family that is superficial, they never really say what's on their minds, will do anything to avoid confrontation or deal with unpleasant issues. What should I do? We have a beautiful relationship and we spend a lot of time together. But I'm worried about this situation with his daughters, and their mother's family is siding with them and making disparaging remarks about what I'm "doing" to this family. What am I doing? Loving a sweet and gentle man whose wife is no longer alive. Is that so awful? I'd love to hear from some of you.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

If the daughters are concerned about money or material things, I wouldnt label that superficial. That worry can be reduced by a prenuptial agreement, which your fiance can discretely discuss with his daughters. Of course, some here are going to say money matters are between the two of you, but then you will have to live with coldness etc. As to the one that lives there, how old is she? Many of the SMs here think that adult children should be out of the house, but many families allow and enjoy their children at home. Personnally I think it will be difficult. Is there any way your fiance can help subsidize a move to her place for her?


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Even though it's about you...
it isn't about you;

it's about their father, & it's about their father replacing their mother.

No matter who he was engaged to, Martha Stewart or Brittany Spears or Miss USA, the situation would be the same.

Stay out of it, let their dad handle it;

it's between them & their father, it's their father's decision, & anything you could say would be resented as interference.

(If they're worried about things that may or may not have material value but that do have sentimental value-mother's engagement/wedding rings, mother's car, mother's photo album, mother's handwritten recipes, etc, maybe he can distribute those things now.)

What your fiance does for you is, likewise, not between them & him but between you & him.

This is where the pre-nup & the wills & estate planning come in.

The 2 of you need to discuss this stuff exhaustively & be sure that you're in complete agreement & the documents are in place before the wedding.

I wish you the best.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Definitely - a pre-nup spelling out financial arrangements, and a distribution of or provisions for the sentimental stuff is in order. Those are areas where the adult children have legitimate concerns, and those should be addressed explicitly. Also, things like medical power of attorneys should be discussed and resolved.

I'd recommend your fiance take care of those areas first, then see what happens to the relationship before actually getting married.

That said, I do know of a number of "second time around'ers" who opt to live together and not marry legally just to avoid problems with pensions, Social Security benefits, etc.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

It just takes time, his getting married can really open up old wounds for the kids and as Sylvia said it really isn't about you its about their Dad. The best you can do is allow him to maintain a relationship with his kids, be friendly and keep in mind that you are (in their mind) replacing someone whom they loved very much and can never get back so try not to judge them too harshly.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I feel bad for you. My mother died when I was 19, and my younger sisters were 18, 15, an 13. My dad started dating again probably two years later, and none of us minded at all. Can you imagine being the woman dating a widowed man with four teenaged (now adult) daughters?! They must be terrified at first. hahaha! He has had several relationships since then, and we all have gotten along just fine. My dad was only 40 when my mom died, and he shouldn't have to spend the rest of his life alone and lonely. I'm happy for him! We all live within about 300 miles of each other, and we hang out with him and his girlfriend whenever we visit their town or they visit ours.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I'd really like to congratulate you on seeing these problems and for looking to do something about them this early on.

All of the advice here looks really good. It is really easy to have horribly conflicting feelings here; you want your parent to be happy, you like seeing your parent being happy, but he's happy with someone who isn't their mom. If your way of doing things is substantially different (ie, if you are outgoing and they aren't) they might be feeling hurt as though their way of doing things isn't good enough (after all the Dad likes you), or if you're substantially different then their mom.

As far as sentimental effects go, they may well be afraid of them vanishing off into your family (by accident or design). Do the girls have space to take anything of their mother's, more to the point do they think they do?

With money matters the pre-nup, and having the father mention it to them, is a great idea. They may be worried about being accidentally or deliberately left out of the will, or that you might get everything and arrange things so they never inherit anything (fears rarely work on logic).
You might also want to consider decorating the house if you move with the kids or at least the youngest, it may help keep it 'homey'.

These might be useful books (they are still due in for me from the library) for them, and you and their father to read:
~Making Adult Stepfamilies Work: Strategies for the Whole Family When a Parent Marries Later in Life by Jean Lipman-Blumen and Grace Gabe (Paperback - Jul 28, 2005)
~When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life: Making Peace With Your Adult Stepfamily by Terri Smith and Robert Stahmann (Paperback - Jun 2007)
~Step Wars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies by Grace Gabe and Jean Lipman-Blumen (Hardcover - April 1, 2004)
~Adult Children of Divorce: How to Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents' Breakup and Enjoy Love, Trust, and Intimacy by Jeffrey Zimmerman and Elizabeth S. Thayer (Paperback - Nov 2003)
~Becoming an Adult Stepchild: Adjusting to a Parent's New Marriage by Pearl Ketover Prilik (Hardcover - Jan 1998)

If there is anything you'd like to ask me from the grown up step kid's perspective, I would be glad to help.

Wow that is long.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Thanks so much for your responses. And I have tried to be very patient and understanding. I've tried to put myself in their place (flipping the script), and I honestly don't believe I'd mind my parent having a serious relationship after the death of another parent. Actually, my father died 8 years ago, and a few years later, when my mother went out a few times, I encouraged it and was proud of her. However, I do realize that people handle things the best way they can.

To answer kkny's question, the daughter at home is 30 years old (she is the youngest), never married with two children. And yes, he could help her move to her own place, but she's comfortable and has no interest in doing that. He has hinted to me that it's time for her to do that, but he hasn't said anything to her and I certainly haven't encouraged it because I know it would seem that I'm the reason behind it. To be honest, I'd rather leave her in the house because I am also worried about living in a home where I may be made to feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. And heaven forbid I express a desire to make any changes in the decor(which I hate). The daughters have already divided their mother's personal things between the three of them, so that's not an issue.

I have never tried to cut down on any time they spend with him (would never do that). I try to include them in some of our activities (they always have reasons they can't). I have tried talking to them one on one, and letting them know that I am aware that I could NEVER replace their mother... and I know that what their parents had was very special. But I tell them that their Dad has enough love for all of us. There is an 8 year difference in ages, and one statement they've made is that there is no way a woman this young would be interested in their dad (I am 48, so I'm hardly a young woman...lol). I'll keep being patient and talking to him so that we're all on the same page. And thanks, redheadedstepchild, for the names of the books. I'll check them out.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Well, if talking hasn't helped, maybe writing them a loving note. Explain everything you've said above and add that you all have a common goal - Dad's happiness - even though you come at it from different directions. He'll always be their Dad, etc.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Twenty years ago, I married a widower with adult children. I speak from experience that a prenuptual agreement is ESSENTIAL! If I had it to do all over again, I would insist on it. My Sweetheart (yes he is still my Sweetheart) said we didn't need one because being Catholic meant divorce was not a consideration. What I didn't realize at the time was that prenuptuals are not only useful in case of divorce, but essential in case of the death of a partner.

I also would advise not completely trusting his children right away. Smile and be polite and kind, but be VERY cautious in your relationships with his children for a few years. One of my Sweetheart's daughters was so friendly and kind to me at first, but she turned out to be an absolute Barracuda! I wish I had been wiser at the start and not so trusting. Nothing about his family is as it had appeared while we were dating and engaged. On the surface, they all seem quite nice and normal. I did get an early warning. When my husband's daughter-in-law had a bit too much to drink, she warned me that things were not as they seemed and to always watch my back. She also told me that they were all seriously nuts, especially the younger daughter! I wish I had believed her at the time! Would have saved me a lot of heartache. She was right on. She managed to get away from the family a few years back. Smart girl, I'm still in contact with her.

I made the big mistake of ratting out the Barracuda to her brothers and sister a year ago last July. The family had decided to clean up their Dad's garden (not my garden, you understand, I just live with their Dad) while he was in hospital having heart surgery. The Barracuda talked her brother into ripping out a hedge. The same hedge SHE had tried to remove the year before that her Dad told her he didn't want removed. They had words at the time. So, she conned her brother into doing it without him knowing that his Dad didn't want it taken out. I was so upset that she would want to hurt her Dad. And I told her siblings what she had done. And I was the one who had to prepare my Sweetheart for his big 'surprise' while he was still in hospital. His physicians had stressed to all of us and to my Sweetheart that he not get excited or upset in any way. He did get upset, but I managed to calm him and convince him that it wasn't important. At least he was still in hospital in case something went wrong.

Anyway, the Barracuda has absolutely HATED me ever since and has done everything she can to hurt me. I haven't said anything to her Dad about her year long campaign of nastiness, lies and hatefulness. He knows exactly what I told her brothers and sister about her. I was completely honest about that. But I cannot bring myself to tell him anything about what she has done to me and the trouble she has caused me with the rest of the family. I can't blame any of her siblings for believing her. She really has a talent for twisting things to her favor. It would cause problems and heartache for my Sweetheart and more trouble for me than I want to think about. At this point, the general consensus of the family is to tolerate me 'because she makes Dad happy'. I suppose that is where I stand in relation to them, I tolerate them because my Sweetheart loves THEM.

I HAVE taken legal precautions in case my Sweetheart should pass away before I do. Everything is in two trusts, one for his family and one for mine. If he survives me, he will remain in his house and my family will inherit my estate. If I survive him, I will walk away, sorry, I will RUN LIKE THE WIND away from his house and his family taking only what I brought into our marriage and what I have accumulated in our twenty years together. The only thing keeping me here and dealing with his family is that I love my Sweetheart way too much to ever be without him.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I am in a very similar situation. I am engaged to a man who's wife passed away 3+ years ago, he has 3 adult children (a daughter 29yrs, and 2 sons 25 and 27 yrs). I have 4 girls (21 yrs, 19yrs, 17yrs, and 13yrs); my 2 youngest girls live with their dad. His daughter moved back home with her 6 year old from her first marriage and her 2nd husband about a year and a half ago. Her husband doesn't have a steady job; he basically works "under the table" 1-2 days a week. She doesn't have a job; she gets child support for her daughter, and food stamps. Now for the crazy part, they don't give my fianc a dime towards bills, they buy food and tell him not to touch it, they trash the house and don't clean, she is so very disrespectful, she curses him and calls him out of his name daily (sometimes several times a day). It is mind blowing; some of the things I hear come out of her mouth, towards her father (eg: I hate you, I wish you were dead, I wish you weren't my father). Never mind she and her family are living rent free in HIS home.
His youngest son lives at home also, he works 3rd shift at the same plant with his father and I, but he has created so many bills of his own, he to doesn't help his father with the household bills. His oldest son is married and on his own. The youngest son treats me fairly, the oldest son came around eventually, and he didn't really have any issues with me except the fact that I wasn't his mother.
His daughter on the other hand is a HANDFUL. She flat out told me that if she had anything to do with the situation, I wouldn't be here. She finds reasons to throw my name and my children into arguments that the starts with her father, stating that if it weren't for me things would be different, or if it were my children, he would allow some of the things he tells her not to do. The youngest son has said that too. If they knew my kids they would know that my children, RESPECT people, their homes and their belongings, they clean up behind themselves, they have NEVER cursed me or called me out of my name.
We discussed the pre-nup idea I am for it, and he is strongly against it. He doesn't have a lot of money or anything; they are only worried about their mothers personal belongings and sentimental items around the house. I have stated on several occasions that I don't want any of their mother's personal belongings, pictures jewelry, etc...That is just weird, I would think. He has told her that she is more than welcome to what she wants of her mothers, but as long as she is living at home, they will stay right where they are. He has expressed to me and to her several times, that he wants her to move out, but he doesn't stick to it and I dont understand why. She is just so conflicting and mean. She and her husband never speak to him unless they want something or unless she is trying to pick a fight with him, it's so frustrating.
I am personally tired of cleaning this house 5-6 days out of the week. We work 4-10 hour nights a week on 3rd shift. When we wake up, we clean up her and her daughters messes. His basement where she sleeps and keeps all her belongings, is trashed, and if she says "I'm gonna..." or "I was gonna..." one more time I'm "GONNA" scream. I love this man with all my heart, mind, body, and soul and I am not going anywhere. She needs to realize that and start dealing with the fact that I am here "forever" as he and I always say to each other.
I am told and I over hear her trash talking me all the time, but in my face she acts very fake. So I told him a week ago, and she over-heard me because she was lurking around corners, that the next time she approached me, I was going to tell her to not speak to me at all if she is going to be fake, I will not tolerate her being 2-faced and back stabbing with me or my girls. Since then she is very cold, stuck up and rude.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Oh for crying out loud! Stop babying this 30 year old. It is time for her/them to grow up, get out on her own and learn how to fend for herself. You aren't doing her any favors by allowing her to avoid responsibility for her own life. The old man doesn't know what to do and the girls have been using him for years! They couldn't care less about "HIM".

Is there not a single adult on the planet that actually loves their parents anymore?

You and he deserve to be happy, let those self entitled almost MIDDLE AGED age ladies figure out their own lives.

Men! So easy to make them feel guilty about daddy's not so little girls 8-)


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Yes! I love my dad. I'm in my early 30's and would not dream of living with him!!!!!!!! Unless, of course, he needed help or something.

Honestly, I don't think my dad's "estate" is going to me, it will probably go to my smom. And y'know what? IT'S HIS MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he wants to give it to the Humane Society it's his right. Not that I wouldn't like to have money, but it's not mine.

Self-indulgence indeed! Who has the "right" to their parent's money??????

I really don't understand people sometimes.


 o
kkny

"Many of the SMs here think that adult children should be out of the house, but many families allow and enjoy their children at home."

KKNY, as a stepmother, the only reason I would want an of age stepchild out of the house is if they are intent on wreaking havoc in the marriage. My stepchildren tried very hard to come between my husband and myself. (he was custodial parent) I don't think it was about me per se it seemed mostly about trying to get back something they lost and were grieving over. I took it personally until I stepped back and gained a more objective perspective as to where they were coming from. They are 27 and 24 now and both treat me with courtesy and respect...as I treat them. I really think giving a situation time and patience is just common sense...As for the thirty year old that the OP speaks about, that can be complicated because she probably feels even more territorial about her home. As simple as this may sound,I honestly think some time and open conversation can make a world of difference.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

i agree with colleen. 30-year-old is a grown independent woman and she does not need babying. you deserve happiness wiht your DH even if adults kids don't like it. oh well. too bad. let them deal with it. they have to have their own life and leave their dad to have his.

and yes i find it dispicable when adult children demand money from their parents or argue over inheritance. i find it amazing how 30-year-old people do not have their own lives! as much as I love my parents, I hardly have any time to inetrfer in what they do! and at 30 I was even more busy wiht my life.

sometimes loving your parents and children means letting them go. his daughters have to grow up and let their dad go and enjouy life. and if he does not stand up for hismelf then maybe you should move on and let him deal wiht his ungrateful DDs.

some adult kids just make me mad!!! honestly neither I nor X ever ask DD if she is OK with who we date or marry. frankly it simply is not her life. it is ours.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

The problem with adult stepchildren is that they don't want to see their inheritance going to the second wife. I don't think a prenup is in order to satisfy adult children. If the two of you want a prenup, then get one..but, don't get one to please the children.

I would not marry a man who did not intend to leave his pension to me. There's no question that he would have left his pension to his first wife, why not the second?

In remarriage, estates can be tricky. He can set aside some money for his daughters into a trust, but the bulk of the estate should go to you. To my child, I will pass on whatever my parents leave me. Anything I make in the marriage would be divided between my child and stepkids. All of that can be crafted into a will.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

LOla,

Every marriage is differnt. I think the most important thing about money is open communication. My X transferred about 1/2 of his pension to me upon divorce, but I was married to him during most of his working years. I dont think it is always right to say the bulk of the estate should go to widow. There are a lot of variables, including lenght of marraige, etc. I think people should discuss this before marriage.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

i would pay close attention to how he handles the situation, most guys can't stand up to their kids. if he can't...that is when i would run. if the two of you could afford to buy a new home together it would prevent a lot of problems regarding "his" home.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Sweet,

My head hurts from reading some of these posts supporting the "rights" of adult children. It seems like these rights always revolve around money.

Yes, get a pre-nup. Make sure that you get one to protect YOUR ASSETS if you pre-decease him, (something skids don't think about a lot) as well as any assets you build together.
Don't think that a pre-nup or anything else like that is going to necessarily smooth the path of a relationship with them. As said above, take it slow, let trust be earned for the first few years, don't expect instant friendship or any sense of a family connection for a long time. Do you want to live with the 30 year old and her kids? Leave aside what this adult wants, needs, and expects. Don't get married if the living situation is not right for you and your husband. He is good to help his daughter that way but that's a bit much to take on in a new marriage.

If the adult skids are secure in themselves with their own developed lives it will be easier to have good relationships. A 30 year old at dad's with two kids has needs and you will be competition in their eyes for that fulfillment. This is tough advice to give but it might be better to wait on a marriage until your fiance has sorted through some things with his kids first.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I am a 27 yo woman and my mother passed away June of last year (2008) after a long battle with cancer. My mother was my best friend.

I'm not concerned about the money issue, whatever my father wants to do with his money is his choice. However, what I do take issue with is the fact that he is dating so soon after. I absolutely want my father to be happy, however, I feel as though he is not in the right mind set to be dating so soon.

It just seems hypocritical for him to be dating when he is also saying how my mother was the love of his life. It just seems that he hasn't learned how to cope being alone and is just looking for a "replacement." He is just concerned about not having someone to hold his hand and kiss and comfort him.

My father asked me to meet his new girlfriend who is 4 years older than I am, looked my age, and could barely speak English. It was the most horrible experience. She was condescending and called me "sweetheart" and said how I must not like being single and how I was a "tough New York girl." She was also already telling him what he should and shouldn't eat and I could see him happily doting on her. It disgusted me because it looked like she was the one who was after him for his money. She even asked me to take her along to fashion week parties because she wants to get into fashion. Why would a woman want to date him when he is so vulnerable?

I am trying to be understanding but the thought of my father dating someone so close to my age disgusts me. My father is young at 51 and looks even younger, probably 40 or so. And yes, I do want him to be happy, but I feel as though he needs to learn how to cope with being alone before he goes trolling on the internet for women.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Jade--

Sounds really gross, and I'm sorry to hear it. I guess this is a common enough scenario to be almost a cliche, and it especially stinks when it's your parent and it affects your life and relationship with that parent. I can relate to the feeling of disgust and alienation ---as can several posters on this forum--- when all signs point to you being more mature than the person your parent is making an ass of themselves over. I've had much time to try and process my own feelings about situations like this and to try and figure out a way it *doesn't* have to be doomed to utter torture and/or a major family schism and profound sense of loss.

Indeed a lot does depend on the new love interest and how clueless and insensitive they wanna get about it all, but it also depends on the parent's sense of awareness and effort and it also depends on you being as classy and open-minded as you can possibly allow yourself to be. It's basically a "three way street", then, if the new scenario is going to be painless or at least tolerable. No doubt countless situations exist where one or more of the three makes it damn near friggin' impossible to be civil, usually because someone in the triad overasserts their own sense of importance and insists on dominating the entire situation. Or, since that is usually not done by the parent in the middle, torture ensues because the parent takes no responsibility whatsoever for putting BOTH the kid(s) AND the new love interest in an obviously awkward situation and makes no efforts to handle the transitions properly.

As another old cliche goes, you can't control the actions of others, you can only control yourself. Or more precisely, you can only control the one-third of this situation that is you and your attitude and behavior. No guarantee that this will help a lick if Dad is determined to bury his head completely in the sand and/or "Sweetheart" is determined to be an ignorant daughter-substitute of a princess. And there's absolutely no imperative to turn the other cheek or bend over and take crap indefinitely. You can only do what you can do, and anyone's patience and tolerance can only go so far.

But I would say at least make the effort to try and open your mind to your Dad being able to date again. No, it hasn't yet been a year since your Mom passed away, and that is always going to be a difficult loss for you to bear. There's really no way around these circumstances being difficult for you to automatically accept, and anyone should understand that. But your Dad is still young and you yourself know he has a right to his happiness.

Where the line should get drawn as to what you will/won't accept is if it should unfortunately come to pass that the circumstances of your Dad's happiness (his being with this woman) ever causes you direct and obvious unhappiness (i.e. she starts being a b!tch to you and/or trying to cut you out of his life). That's when you have a right to speak up and to say: "I have tried to have an open mind and to resist forming any preconceptions about Sweetheart, and I absolutely respect your need to find love and happiness again. But she has not shown the same respect or consideration for me and thus now it's directly impinging on my happiness and my relationship with you as your daughter. Basically, as long as she doesn't try to run my life, I will in no way resist her running yours if that's what you want her to do. You did choose her after all, and you are obviously okay with the way she treats you. But I'm not okay with the way she treats me, and this is what we all need to collectively work through and straighten out."

But until that time may come, for now simply take internal note of the various obnoxious things Sweetheart does and pay attention to some red flags and to your instincts. But do it internally for the time being and recognize, too, that you are also very understandably going to be predisposed to not like the woman because of the circumstances. Try to find something likeable about her that you can bond over. By no means allow her to snake her way into anything having to do with your career or personal business, but if she likes fashion, talk shoes. Share some jokes, ask her about where she's from. Really give it an honest try, and if she ends up condemning herself out of her own mouth or by her own actions, so be it. YOU will have honestly tried.

Give it some more time and make sure you pat yourself on the back for being as gracious as you can possibly be about everything, so that at the very least YOU do not have to feel like you've done anything wrong. Because if she really turns out to be a b!tch, rest assured she will try to convince everyone around that you DID do something wrong. If you know damn well that you didn't, you will always have that and you will know that you faced the situation with dignity. I wish you the best.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Sweet3643,
When his daughter said 'she wasn't ready' She was not thinking of her father. Lol..she was thinking of herself and where would she go now if daddy remarried.
1. she's 30 years old and its time to leave the nest. 2 kids, no husband..mmmmmm...responsible eh?
2. I think her fahter has helped her enough.
3. the man you are dating is old enough to make his own decisions and he's hinted on her leaving...she's just taking advantage now and her father is too much a push over to get her out.
Solution:
If you are going ot marry this man.,
1. dont sweat the kids, they are his problem. Wifes family should button their comments to themselves and the man your dating should put his foot down with them.
2. Sign a prenup....make sure all is clear.
3. New life? = new house...a house that both of you buy together with both your money. This house is between you two and not the kids on either side of your families. Not yours, not his.
Kids should stop assuming that whatever is dad's is automatically their. BIG MISTAKE. Its his money and if he chooses not to give it to his kids and give it to a bartender because he feels that person is more deserving and its HIS wishes...then so be it.
THe new house will take care of many problems.
a. Its new and it between the both of you.
b. 30 year old daugther will have no choice but to move out and find her place or buy the old house that is up for sale....and no people..he does not have to give her the old house she grew up with. Its his to sell and so what he pleases.
c. There is no stepping on toes in the new house,...no disrespect taken from any family, unintentially..if done by accident to disrespect his deceased wife.
My father did this. My mother died and the wife he married also lost her husband but they bought a new place. And there was no doubt on either side with any of the kids that their place was theirs....no ownership..or entitlement for a place where kids grow up.
I cannot stress this more ...and say again. New life: New house.


 o
RE: 'where are they now?'

Sweet3643 posted about a year and a half ago. Hopefully she made good decisions (such as "new life = new house", which is sage advice) and her situation worked out.

It would be nice to see more 'updates' from people who've posted a long time ago... if any of you are reading, let us all know how things turned out!


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

lol...i usually chekc the date ...but yah, you are right! Its been a looong time.:)
I wonder how she is doing?
Give us a shout if your out there!!!


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I would have a good talk with my future husband about how you feel, about the daughter living there, for how long and about loans to the children. A pre-nup will protect his assets for his children, but I don't think it will help with how they feel about you. If you can afford it I would recommend you buy a new home together, that way it will be yours or his depending on who dies first. There will never be any question about who's house it is if you deed it right. I moved into my husbands home but it was a rental and his children weren't worried about getting what Dad had. I thought they would be when he died, but turns out I worried for nothing.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Isn't it amazing how we can read a post from someone else, and the red flags are all over the place, and glaring, and you know that there is no way that this is going to have a happy ending, and yet when it is our own situation, we fail to see the red flags, that are glaring to everyone else???

Blinded by love, or wistful thinking, I guess.


 o
Red flags

Isn't it amazing how we can read a post from someone else, and the red flags are all over the place, and glaring, and you know that there is no way that this is going to have a happy ending, and yet when it is our own situation, we fail to see the red flags, that are glaring to everyone else???

Blinded by love, or wistful thinking, I guess.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I Googled "adult children who hate their fathers for remarrying", and that's how I came across this thread. I could be the dad she was writing about. I lost my wife to cancer four months ago. My wife had been sick for years with various maladies, and finally terminal cancer. I had been a faithful companion and provider. Now that I'm seeing someone, my adult children are rejecting me. They are very angry when I try to organize get-togethers. I've found someone that I really care about, and who cars about me. I'm tired of trying to "blend" with my adult children. I'm not angry with my adult children, I'm just tired of their angry and hateful words.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Charles,

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. Four months does not seem like a long time to wait to begin seeing someone new, so I can understand if that is one of the reasons you kids have a problem with it. However, my uncle lost his wife of 49 years a couple of years ago and began dating almost immediately and married about a year later. I think as we get older, we realize how short life is and spend less time mourning loss, whether it's death or divorce. His wife had also been ill for years and he also faithfully cared for and provided for her. But, he didn't want to be alone and he was in his 70's. Seeing him now, with his new wife, he is lively and youthful, I've never seen him like this. He seems happier and he probably is, he is not caring for an ill person like during his marriage. I don't know how his adult children feel about it, but they are in their 40's and have their own lives. But, I can also imagine how it might be hard to see your parent happier with someone else, especially so soon after losing their mom.

I don't know if it would do any good, but if I were you, I'd tell my kids that their mother will always live in your heart and how much you loved her but they have families of their own and you want someone to spend the rest of your life with. If you had gone first, you would not have wanted your wife to spend the rest of her life alone. I might even tell them that I just want to see them happy and I hope they'd want the same for me. They are not 'children' and they understand... and they will understand better when their children begin to have relationships.

I assume you didn't 'choose' their spouses and they didn't get your stamp of approval. Well, I hope you like their choices but the reality is that we don't get to choose who our children choose. I would not try to 'blend' them but I would tell them that they are welcome to visit me anytime & I hope to see them on holidays/celebrations. I would also tell them that I'm sorry they feel that way but they are not going to be allowed to say angry and hurtful things to me about someone I care about.

If you have been critical of their choices or said angry/hurtful things about their choices in relationships, they may feel entitled to do so now with you.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Hi all,

I stumbled across this thread while trying to learn how to deal with a similar situation. For the past month and a half, I have been seeing someone who has grown children (a daughter 39 and a son 37). I'm a 50 year old divorcee, whereas he is 62. After 40 years of marriage, his late wife died 2 years ago after an extended battle with cancer.

Let me say at the outset that I have a good career, need nothing of a monetary nature from the dad, and the last thing I would do is take anything away from the children. (I was in a similar situation as they when my dad remarried, leaving everything of my mother's and maternal grandmother's at his death to the witch he remarried; therefore, I am sensitive to their concerns.)

The daughter lives on the other side of the country, but we have talked on the telephone once or twice and although not totally thrilled, she seems happy that her father has found someone and acted graciously towards me.

The son, on the other hand, is a different story. He lives about 3 hours away, and I have met him (and his family) twice at his father's vacation home. Both times the tension was extremely hostile. The son is a corporate professional, so I assumed he would at least be a bit more gracious than he has been. Dad has had several intense conversations with his son regarding me and the fact that I am hopefully going to be a part of his life for a long time.

We are too new to even think about anything approaching marriage, but spend about four evenings a week together because of how much we enjoy each other's company, although we don't blatantly advertise this fact to the kids. I don't know whether the son feels threatened over his mother's memory or fear that his dad is going to be taken advantage of or that he resents the fact his dad is moving forward with his life.

How does one cope with this? I've never dated a widower, so this is new ground for me. Thanks!


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

It would seem it is all of the above. "Home" to us all in our mind is a mom and dad who love us, and will be there for us...no matter what. When a parent is widowed, and then begins dating/married, we not only lose the parent, and are grieving, but we always lose that sense of "home" as we have always known it to be. It does not matter how old we are, there is still something about "home" for most of us. And with a new person in the picture, it is forever changed. It will never again "feel" like the "home" we have always felt safe, knowing it was there. There is now this new person there. And the parent is different, somehow. Not the parent we are used to seeing, but this parent who seems "different somehow". And so while grieving the loss of the parent who died, one must also grieve the loss of the parent who is living, because they have changed, and they no longer feel like the parent we have always known (and counted on) them to be.

On top of it all, is that in grief, many widowers I would imagine, ignore all the red flags, and perhaps do marry the wrong person, making it all so much worse. In their loneliness, or their anxiousness to fill the void left in their life, they are too quick to marry anyone who comes along, right or wrong. And to expect their adult children to celebrate this is really asking too much.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

By his own admission, after his late wife died, he spent the two years working on becoming a better person and figuring out himself. I have no frame of reference regarding the person he was before we met, but I've been told by others that, perhaps partially thanks to my presence, he has "a smile in his walk" now and is much more easy-going in life. He has told me that it wouldn't matter if I were Mother Theresa or a 30 year old blonde bimbo, that he feels his son would react the same. I keep telling myself it's not me personally, but it's difficult when I've never done anything in my life to warrant such a reaction in anyone. My own son is 24, and would never dream of acting like that towards anyone I was spending time with, mainly because he would respect my intelligence in who I chose to see.

I guess time will be our best ally.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Interesting thread. Sweet, it really sounds like your man cannot stand up to his 30 year old daughter. Maybe you've already seen it but there is a movie out called, "Mama's Boy", and "Step-brothers". You should rent both of them and watch them with your man. My DH and I did watch them, my teenage son lives with us he saw them with us. The three of us laughed our head off. We did not recommend them to my DHs 2 adult daughters because they have had their noses out of joint since our marriage. My other 2 kids saw the movies too and all make comments about how SH24 and SD25 would be mad if they saw the movie. It was a family joke for a while, even my husband thought it was funny. The movie might force the adult SDs to see how ridiculous their view of their Dads remarriage actually is.

This is a little personal, but there is NO WAY that my husband would want any of our adult children living with us. We have a 17 year old son here, and we're counting the days until he leaves for the Marine Corps (and so is he, it is healthy to feel that way). We enjoy afternoon sex, and we're not quiet about it......... Enough said, another adult in our home would be about as welcome as a sewer backup! And shouldn't she be entertaining friends her age too?

A pre-nup is a good idea, but not to cut yourself out to everything, like his daughters would want. What he does with his estate is not their business. As many have said, he could give it to the Humane Society or the bartender, (and it would probably be better spent). The pre-nup should protect your assets. I assume that you're bringing something in to the marriage too. Someone posted that she wouldn't marry a man who wouldn't leave his pension to her. Really that is right. In the first marriage if Dad dies, then it goes to Mom (not the kids). Why should it go to the kids in a second marriage?

Also, someone suggested telling adult children of the widower that their Mother would always "be first" in Dad's heart, even if he remarried. This is wrong! My Aunt was a widow, and remarried. She loved each husband. I think it is wrong to imply that the first wife should get a higher place in his heart than the second wife. They each will be loved differently, one should not be higher or first. It's not a contest. I have a girlfriend who is dating a widower, and he told her that ______ would always have first place in his heart. That would be a deal breaker for me! My girlfriend is thinking of leaving him too. She feels like she is not what he really wanted, but what he "settled for". What a horrible way to start a relationship.

One last thought. As far as selling the house to buy a different house that is your, well it will be bought with the cash from his present home. So I don't think this will really settle anything. I have HUGE perrennial, English Cottage gardens that would cost me probably $40,000 to replace. I have worked on them for years, they are my pride and joy. I could sell this house and buy a different one so that everyone felt more neutral, but it would still be bought with the money from the sale of this home. Unless of course you sell his home, give the money to his kids, then take out a new mortgage for yourselves. That is the only way that it can be truly "your" house together. And that is ridiculous!


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I would not marry a man who did not intend to leave his pension to me. There's no question that he would have left his pension to his first wife, why not the second?

Honestly, I don't think my dad's "estate" is going to me, it will probably go to my smom. And y'know what? IT'S HIS MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he wants to give it to the Humane Society it's his right. Not that I wouldn't like to have money, but it's not mine.

and yes i find it dispicable when adult children demand money from their parents or argue over inheritance. i find it amazing how 30-year-old people do not have their own lives! as much as I love my parents, I hardly have any time to inetrfer in what they do! and at 30 I was even more busy wiht my life.

I pretty much agree with all these statements. I think no child should COUNT on money from parents. The remaining spouse should be taken care of first since they are probably left with jointly akrewed bills. It's no fair that the second wife should be stuck with medical bills, funeral costs and a mortgage while the adult kids go on vacations with daddy's pension which, let's face it, is exactly what would happen. This wouldn't even be questioned in the case of firsts wives so I have a hard time understanding why being the second wife would chenge that? The kid's are no more intitled to money either way. The second wife/husband is no less widowed and in need of financial help.


 o
Marrying Widower with Adult Children

I have run into the same situation as many of you. I am dating a widower as I am one myself. I can be very comfortable without anyone elses money, my deceased husband made sure I was taken care of plus I still work and make a fare salary.

My man is about to retire, he is a wonderful man, a great father and grandfather. His children are all grown 3 sons and one daughter who lives close by. I didn't know until just a few days ago how she actually felt. She hasn't said anything but her actions are speaking loud. She has children but never married so he has pretty much been their dad and her best friend.
Now I'm in the picture and it's non stop phone calling about everything she does. The other day we went out and he did not return home when she wanted him there, she and the grandson called continuous demanding when would he be home, we were almost there but they continued to call. She was waiting outside the house and angry with him. She showed such disrespect for him, I knew then it was me.

Today he was going to help me do something but at the last minute she needed him because she had a problem. I can understand her fear maybe, but I think she is just so attached to dad that she is now seeing he is fond of me and I believe that is not sitting well with her. I asked him if she was ok with us and he said yes but I know him and he can't see how she feels. I really care for him but I do not want to be in the middle, I don't want to compete nor should I have to. I honestly think she needs to find someone she can share her life with and not depend on dad for all her support and conversations.

What is my alternative??? It saddens me so much, I have sons and they are protective but they are happy for me. I am not sure what to do.


 o
RE: Marrying Widower with Adult Children

Hmm..interesting thread.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here