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lovehadley

Flexibility turns into expectations and resentment

lovehadley
14 years ago

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing?

For the last 6 months, DH has been sticking to the parenting plan strictly. He and BM have always had their set days but now everything is spelled out from times to holidays, etc.

DH has for the last 6 yrs tried to be flex with BM to a certain extent and he usually will accomodate her should she need something. The problem is that BM would never return the favor for US if we needed to switch a night or wanted SS for something special.

DH is now of the mindset that HE will not ask BM for anything. If something special falls on a day when SS is with his mom, oh well. We are not going to ask BM for any favors because in the past they would always get thrown back in our face. On the same token, DH feels he shouldn't have to be flex with BM on demand.

The problem is---he tries to keep the peace---and she knows it and she takes advantage at times and then when he does stand firm, she throws a fit.

About two months ago, she wanted SS on one of DH's Saturdays b/c there was a Monster Truck thing. DH agreed to trade nights. He has done that many times for her for this or that, and she has done it for him on occasion, as well, but not nearly to the extent he has for her.

Well, yesterday, BM asked DH if he would be willing to give her tonight and maybe have Monday night instead. I guess she has a wedding to go to and wants to bring SS.

The problem is, we have plans w/the kids tonight. It's nothing formal, but we were planning to go to my mom's for a last hoorah in the pool---she is closing it this week--and a BBQ. Then early tomorrow morning we have an annual fundraiser walk/fair for my cousin who has special-needs. The walk is always a lot of fun and then there's face painting, games, a petting zoo, etc. for the kids. It starts at 9 AM tomorrow so we would be hard pressed to pick SS up early and then get to the walk on time. BM lives 30-40 mins in one direction and then the walk is a good 30 mins in the other direction.

PLUS, this is DH's 5 day stretch (Wed night through Mon morning) but Thursday was BM's birthday, so per the parenting plan, she got SS Thurs night until Fri morning. So DH is already short a night---PLUS, he is working until about 1 pm today and really isn't keen on the idea of not getting to see SS tonight.

Bottom line--he told her he was sorry, but that the answer was no, it just doesn't work this time to switch. We have plans and we were looking forward to a fun family weekend with both kids.

So of course BM is all angry and thinks DH is being unreasonable.

SIGH. It is just one of those things---it's impossible for DH to be flex at times with her, because if he is, then she starts to EXPECT it every time.

He has the right to say NO, right????

On the same token, we realize that there will be occasions that WE want something but she might say no. Quite frankly, that's why we almost NEVER ask, because it is just not worth the hassle for us to ask BM to do us any favors.

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