Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom.

I have been struggling, - in the dark at first, but now I have seen the light - with my step son since he was 9 years old. He lost his mother to breast cancer when he was a baby and then I came into his life when he was a preschooler. He was a darling boy who loved his father's attention and knew how to get it. As he became older, he was spoiled by his father and treated fairly by myself, just as I did his brother 9 years older and my own two daughters. He is now 26 years old and I am still struggling. His father is still spoiling him - giving him money even though he has not worked full time since his 6 years in college. He is a full blown narcissist. He bullies everyone including his father. I just can't be around it, so I travel alot to see friends, and family. When I return home there is always something. This last time I figured out his Passive Agressiveness. He always entertains at our home when we are gone, even though he doesn't live here. This time it was taking the couch pillows from the living room - three pillows that match the sofa and the chair. I didn't notice at first, but the next day I checked myself first, "Self, did you take those pillows to the basement for laundering? No they are not down there." I find it very very difficult to stay quiet about the small things he does. In the past, I have confronted him, but then he makes up falsehoods to his father about me - his dramas - to cause trouble and make me look bad. Most of the time, his father and I can't even speak for about a week - the freezer. Well, I am out of the freezer because I haven't spoken a word about this episode. Hope I can keep my mouth shut. The sad part of this is I just don't live at home very much. I will not knowingly choose to be anywhere around this boy - Golden Boy - narcissist. I go to therapy but the therapist wants me to come to see her with Golden Boy. I just haven't been able to get myself to do that. His loft apartment is full of things he has lifted from my home and expensive toys he should not be able to afford. I won't go there anymore. I get angry when I see the things he has taken from me. His father doesn't care. If anyone has any solutions I would love to hear them.

justmeto ::: Im going to try and answer some of your comments...His son has gone through this many cars i wasnt trying to be nosey he brought it up so i asked. and the cars that i have seen and have seen his dad purchase are very nice cars..his son likes to blow engines or set them on fire witch he has now been caught or just totalls them.and now that i am married to my husband it is my bussiness. he has 1 adult daughter that works the other to do not.my husband asked me to make that trip because he couldnt and part of having a relationship is working together as a team.I was not trying to replace her mother my husband asked me to clean them rooms for her did i want to know but i did what he asked me to. I have never tryed to take there moms place ever nor will i all i wanted was for them to give me a chace to be the wife i am to my husband. yes i did put out flowers but i did it for the mom and for my husband out od RESPECT did you not read that and yes they should have said thank you but again i guess its all in how you are raised. if i cant make it to my mothers grave and a friend of mine does and she puts flowers on the grave i tell her thank you. its called being polite.i did not run into anything to fast i have a family and still do. but i can tell you if my adult kids ever treated my husband with that much disrespect they would not be allowed to be in my home tell they treated him with that respect. but i can say that my kids have always been very nice to my husband. maybe its because the way they were raised..the things i do for his kids are things he ask me to do if i had my way i wouldnt do a thing for them after the way they have treated me.. they have never even givin me a chance. i wonder why my husbands friends and my husbands decesed wife friends all tell me im the best thing thats happen to my husband since his wife has passed they have known them for over 20 years.. and they also tell me the ladys anyways there is no woman in this town that would put up with all you have.. they see it.. but i tell them i love my husband and want him to be happy.i beleive i did say i didnt have a problem with the photos being there but that it did kinda hurt my heart,, but they are still on the wall and yes he does see them as much as i do. there is also a photo of where she died at above the kitchen table so yes there are alot of her and his things still here i have never asked him to put away his memories nor will i.like i told amber this is my first time on here maybe you should try to be alittle more understanding. sometimes the new step mom or dad really do get a hard time why because the mother or father choose to remarry. and thats all i have done

Bless their hearts!!!!! There should be more people in the world like them!! DB & DSIL have a little boy living with them right now. He is about 19 months old. Long and sad story, but I give them credit for taking him (he's a relatives child) She is DH's age. (56) I am not sure I'd have the energy to do it. I don't know the legalities of their story, eventually the mother will have a chance to get the little boy back. I know there will be some hearts broken in the end (theirs & the little guy) if/when he leaves.But they have done the right thing for the child.