Husband expects me to leave my money to all kids equally.
dalda
12 years ago
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justmetoo
12 years agodalda
12 years agoRelated Discussions
Husband left me & 3 kids..mid-life crisis...
Comments (9)Dear mkroopy, Thank you again for your time and response. Much much appreciated. I would like to start off, by giving you some more info! Which is definitely why I can identify and feel like you did in your past relationship. Which is that I have wasted about 3 yrz time trying to amend and fix and show my commitment to him, but really it was my guilt allowing him to behave 'not o.k.' i.e. coming home every night at 9:30pm saying its all work, never giving me access to see or read any of his e-mail or cell(work cell so I have no access at all!). I thought bc he stayed, that he was going to forgive me and work on our marriage and we could get thru it, and save our marriage. What I now feel...is that he was just waiting it out. I have to confess that I probably didn't give enough info regarding my indiscretion and my ex. I was so angry that he finally said yes to therapy when he found out we went to coffee, and the lady therapist acted like I was the biggest liar and cheat and worst wife ever, that I said I would stop talking to him, but I did not. I saw my ex a week later, and intimacy (sort of) occurred. Sort of...bc he lasted about 30sec. I met for a few more lunches and two more attempted intimacy moments, and my husband found out we were still talking. And I believe thats when he felt 'betrayed'. This was all about 5 month time period. His wife found texts in his cell, and she sent me a message and he never contacted me again. Which also made me feel like a big fool...bc I should have never contacted him again, even tho I got caught bf anything happened and when it was just a "e-mail affair".....because my ex had no problem at all immediately dropping contact with me when his wife found out....so they are happy now. I don't know, I guess my point is that my husband was going to leave in Aug of '09, and then...he didn't, for whatever reason. Which again, I turned into...."Oh, he loves me and wants to save our marriage, and work thru this!" So I allowed his behavior and went back to school with 3 toddlers and got my RN degree and passed my state boards in April and he left in June. So that is the full story, just didn't want you to think I was completely innocent...just stupid. But....After all that being said....I still think your 1st post hits the nail exactly on the head of what he is feeling and what he is going thru! Not only that, but your completely right about stringing me along. I already feel like I have been strung along for 3 yrz....and now, my family is so pissed at me for allowing the behavior for 3 yrz and my friends think I am too nice when he comes to visit the kids (he visits mon, wed, fri, sat, sun). He is nice as pie to me here, and acts all sad and tortured and guilty.....but once he leaves.....he ignores me the entire week and feels no need to talk or communicate with me, and I constantly say to him....you cannot have it both ways. A hubby and family on te weekend, and bachelor single guy during the week! Which means you have lost nothing. And feels to me and all around me...like he is string me along and making sure I do not move one from him...just in case. I think he wants to make sure that he never feels like he will not be able to come back if he wants. You know? Some weekends, I have met him at the door with the kids, and said, "be back at 5pm", shut the door, and been indifferent. He hated that and looked like he was gonna kill me. But I feel I might have to do this again (i keep moving ahead, and then moving back sometimes). I know your probably sick of me rambling, but a man's opinion is something that I do not have:0) and appreciate your time and listening and response....sincerely. I know that feeling of wasting years with your ex is sooooo frustrating and must have made you so angry!! It feels horrible to look back and realize you gave and gave for not just months....but Years! It's amazing how people change, and how much we learn as we get older. I thank you again for all your help. Truly:o)...See MoreWant to leave my home to children equally. Is this a good idea?
Comments (10)If one son lives in the home, and is only half owner - this could cause issues as described further below. Instead, (IMO), the home probably should be sold and the proceeds split between the two sons. If one son wants the home, he could be the buyer...but the sales price to be market price based on one certified appraisal that is 6 months or newer. However, if they brothers do not agree on the appraisal price, then a 2nd appraisal could be gotten and then the market price to be the average of the two appraisals. ISSUES that could arrise if both brothers own the home but one brother lives there #1) The brother that lives there (LIVE IN) should pay half market rent to brother that doesn't live there. If not, then could Non Live-in evict him for non-payment, etc even if he is only half owner? This could be a real problem. #2) Both brothers pay exactly half of tax and insurance bills. Live-in brother's half does not get reduced by the rent amount. What if one pays but not the other. Then the other is forced to "cover" for his brother. Then there is money owed which means conflict. #3) Who pays for repairs/maintenance/Upgrades? Ideally, this should be split. However, I could see the live-in brother adding all kinds of non-necessary things that are not standard maintance. Such as decorating, or washer/dryer that he uses, or a pool or barn or garage that is for his use. Or charging his brother for his own sweat equity for doing the painting himself and charging the brother half market price for a painter. #4) What is live-in doesn't clean or fix to non-live-in's standards. or live-in decides to raise pit-pulls or has 3 roommates. You then have major conflict. #5) what if live-in has been there 10 years but the other brother is ready to retire and wants the home sold for proceeds. But live-in wants to stay there. With this arrangement, the non-live-in could NEVER get his equity as it is a forever home for the LIVE IN. #6) what if Live-in has a child and the child grows up and live-in decides to let the now 20 year old live in the home for free (while live-in moves out but does not tell his brother). More conflict. Just sell the place and give them each half. And be careful about having one of them (but not the other) be an executor. this will also cause conflict even if they are cordial now....See MoreHow to motivate my husband to discipline his kids
Comments (27)The Other Side...I think we agree on this topic slightly more than you give credit...what I said was: "There is healthy bonding with your child that is less "child centered" and establishes more independent children" I think from the sounds of it you have formed a relatively healthy attachment to your kids while fostering independence at the same time. My post was really more directed toward unhealthy "spouse replacement" type attachments with children. Your example of letting a 4 month old cry until they vomited is interesting and debateable of course. It is easy to judge without all the info. From your description it sounds on the outset horrible, as it conjurs images of a child left to cry for hours in abusive neglect, however, without the full story I reserve my judgement. Is it possible the parent not adequately burp the baby and the baby vomited after less than 15 min of crying? The parent did go in and change them. It is possible that it was not as abusive as it sounds, but rather a very normal process every parent must go through to allow their infant an opportunity to learn to "self-soothe" in order to develop good sleep habits that last a lifetime? It sounds as if you have the one child? Regarding the 16 year old world traveler. I can't say in this day and age I would send my child (16 is still a child) to travel alone in europe. I suspect it was with a school group (that is not alone)? Otherwise...I cannot give you the "way to go" you are looking for. I simply cannot agree that it is a "good" thing that your 16 year old "did" europe all alone. I am glad you and your ex Husband agreed...I presume a lack of closeness was not what broke up your marriage then? Regarding the pill swallowing...if you can swallow food...you can swallow a pill. Unless you take your sustainance via a straw...you can swallow something that big. Unless someone can show me in the DSM a diagnosable illness that precludes you from swallowing something smaller than stuff you put down your pie whole 3 times a day...I am not buying it! Your mother did you a disservice not teaching you that life skill earlier. I plan to ensure that every one of my children can swallow a pill. Sorry that hit a nerve...It is ridiculous!!!! Its a flippin pill! ok you can yell at me now. Ha ha...See MoreSecond Marriage and The Kids Money
Comments (64)Tracy - If you've never actually been abused, it's hard to see how it can happen to a strong, capable and emotionally healthy person. And when you see abused women rationalizing and excusing their abuser's behavior, blaming themselves, and walking on eggshells -- I admit -- there's a repulsiveness to this behavior. There's a part of us that wants to just slap them upside the head to clear their vision, and the temptation to blame them for allowing it to happen is strong. I mean - What self-respecting woman would put up with such garbage?! But abuse doesn't go from non-existent to full-blown. By the time the abuse is readily visible to any normal outsider, it has been building insidiously for years, and the victem's perspective has already been so skewed that she (or he) can no longer see things clearly. By the time the abuse is clear-cut, the self-respect of the person in question is already badly damaged, and they're questioning their perceptions. It starts as a little quirk, an indulgence or 'one time thing'. A request that's inappropriate but small (not worth arguing about), a comment that could be taken the wrong way (or did he mean it that way?), a slight, or a fleeting look of contempt. Things that in isolation, would and should be excused. But then they don't stay in isolation. Events get more slightly more frequent, less ambiguous, more insensitive -- but only slightly more offensive than the stuff we've already learned to tolerate. It's the proverbial frog in warm water situation; the water gets hotter and hotter, but still, the frog won't jump out. On the day of my first marriage, we left the reception and went back to Hubby's hotel. We had a few hours to pick up his luggage before heading to the airport to leave for our honeymoon. Only Hubby hadn't actually packed his suitcase, and he turned on the TV. My feelings were hurt, that Hubby's immediate post-wedding plans weren't of the 'rip her clothes off' variety, but what bride wants to spoil her wedding day by fighting with her brand new husband about when he should have packed his suitcase? Was this abusive? Insensitive, sure. But abusive? Not the term most of us would use. Yet with the clarity of hindsight, I can assure you that it absolutely was abusive. It was the start of a long campaign to diminish my value, my attractiveness, my worth and sense of self-worth. But who'd have left over an unpacked suitcase? Amaulden - I know you can't trust your own perceptions right now. You're wondering if it's really all that bad. After all, ALL of it isn't bad, and we've only heard one side of the story. But your friends, your parents, your children (if they're old enough) -- They may be able to see more clearly. If he doesn't treat you with respect, that's real and serious, and losing him would be the very best thing you could do. But do it on YOUR OWN TERMS --...See Moremkroopy
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