and continues getting better . . . (this ones for you, Sweeby!)

14 years ago

as the saga continues . . .

At last post SD was going to meet with her counselor. I adore that man. He just *gets it* so well. He told SD she was justified in her feelings and he was proud of her for finding her voice, but to make sure to use it for good not evil. He told SD to write an email/letter to mom and get her points out regarding cutting visitation, and then be prepared to talk. He gave her several suggestions on how to talk to her mom, and 'permission' to hang up if BM wouldn't listen or got nasty.

Sd writes the email, BM pretty much blows her off. Fast forward to Sunday, and DH calls BM to say that SD is adamant she doesn't want to stay at her mom's the next day (Monday overnight visit) and that he will not force her. SD was ok with a few hour visit and back her, so that was what he offered. AMAZINGLY ridiculous conversation followed that I won't even get in to, but basically BM took NO responsibility for any of her actions and pushed blame on pretty much every one but the Pope. Sd was in the room for the conversation (first time that has ever happened - weird. We've always gone to such lengths to keep her out of them) and she was blown away just by her dad's side. She then offered to call BM and repeat what her dad said and let her know it was coming from her. UGLY conversation followed where BM laid on every guilt trip/dirty ploy/childish behavior in the book. SD, to my surprise, was very strong and hit her mom with a few zingers that made me flinch. I can't imagine being on the receiving end of this conversation and not stop to think "my God, what could I have done to make my daughter feel this way?" Not BM though. She went so far as to tell SD she needed to take responsibility for her little sister eating the medication in her nightstand a few weeks back because she left it there and quit trying to put the blame on her (BM) for not watching her child and allowing her to play in her sisters bedroom unsupervised. Yes truly. BM feels she has no responsibility there. At that point SD was in tears and hung up the phone. I was LIVID.

So Monday comes and BM shows up to pick up a pissy SD. About 75 minutes later DH gets a text that they are on the way back - 75 minutes early. BM basically told Sd she 'needed to get over herself', 'take responsibility for her actions' and apologize. Until then, she didn't need to come back. She told SD we had raised a brat. She called SD a "sassy b!tch" and the two year old continued to call SD that - not once did BM stop her or admonish her. SD came home hurt and angry. Hurt that she was told not to come back. Angry that her mom couldn't see past her own nose and take ownership of any part of their problems.

BM called DH today to let him know that her friends and therapist told her to forgive herself for her past and she had, so until SD could do that and apologize she didn't need to come back. When she was ready to apologize she could call.

DH tried to tell BM it wasn't just the past - it was last weekend! It was behavior that has gone on for years, but Sd was now mature enough to understand and speak out. BM is just in incapable of getting it. So now SD is torn between staying strong and caving in, and I get that. Its difficult to support her and encourage her strength without screaming "stick it to the b!tch!!", but I'm working on it. :-) As of now SD has NO plans to go there at all this weekend. We are going to try to stay busy here with family and friend stuff to keep her mind on happier topics as she's currently asking what kind of person can have a mom who doesn't want them any more?

Swear to God I would ring that woman's neck if given 1/16th of a chance.

I'm back to JMN dilemma #1 - try yet AGAIN to get through to the woman that she is going to have to listen to SD and look within herself if she hopes to have any relationship with her daughter or just let her wallow in it. . . which means, to some extent, SD wallows as well.

The part of me that CAN'T handle people who are so obviously in the wrong not getting that and take ownership for the problems they cause wants to talk/email/take out a sky banner. The part of me who wants to see her reap what she's sowed is trying to keep her mouth closed and fingers still. Honestly, I've yet to figure out if it's better for SD to have her mom in her life or not. I can't really solve my dilemma if I can't answer that, can I?

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Comments (5)

justmetoo
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Jaw is dropping right now. "Get over yourself and don't come back til you apologize"? "Sassy Titch"? Those are some pretty harsh things to say to any one, but to say them to your daughter who is trying to pour her feelings out to you? Unreal.

JNM, if me I would not call/write BM, you can't beat sense into her head nor shake her into reality and any attempt on your part will not be taken well nor appreciated by BM and she is likely to even get angier at SD if you do.

BM and SD need to both stand back and calm down, I would not make/force SD to do weekend visits if she does not want. What's BM going to do? Let her explain to a judge why her daughter is not welcome until, unless, blah blah.
lovehadley
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"DH tried to tell BM it wasn't just the past - it was last weekend! It was behavior that has gone on for years, but Sd was now mature enough to understand and speak out"

I think this is the crux of it. BM is upset/angry that her daughter is finally old enough and becoming mature enough to call her out on her antics. She is trying different tactics to get DD to "come back to her side." The less it works, and the more DD stands up to her mom, the angrier mom gets.

I feel so sad for SD! :( How awful.

I also would not communicate with BM about any of this. I agree with justmetoo, all that will do is anger BM at her DD even more. I would step back and let this unfold the way it will. All you can really do is be supportive of your SD. You cannot force BM to see things a certain way and I think the more you push it, the more she will fight back!
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sweeby
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
What a mess! But if anyone can figure it out and come up with the right thing to do, I suspect it'll be you, JNM. Maybe SD's counselor could help you sort things through? (He sounds like a terriffic guy.)

As much as I hate to admit it, I can see a little of BM's point of view -- Learning to forgive yourself for your mistakes, and wanting SD to take some responsibility (if it was SD who left SD's pills out in the open and not BM leaving BM's pills out, though any decent mother with a 2 year old KNOWS you have to safeguard medicines.)

But even so -- She's deflecting and counter-accusing instead of listening.

Did you read SD's email? Was she clear? Reasonably respectful? (No better counter-punch to 'sassy witch' than a respectful tone -- though that's awfully hard to maintain on the phone. Would 'Round Two' of the email, with a stronger "I need you to listen to what I'm saying - I'm not trying to hurt your feelings" message stand a chance? And is SD talking about recent happenings and decisions instead of old news?

It's clear how desperate BM is to avoid serious introspection. Sure - you have to forgive yourself. But that's NOT the first step. First, you have to take a good hard look at your actions, identify the lessons you need to learn, feel true remorse, acknowledge the need for change, start to make those changes, and THEN you get to forgive yourself! Not before. Not instead of...

Of course, you DON'T EVER say "Don't come back until you apologize!" to your kid. EVER. Because SD heard "I don't want you!" not "I'm so angry I'm not thinking straight!"

What a mess...
yabber
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yes what a mess. Clearly there's no point trying to talk sense into BM, NO point. It's sad but true..
I think the more SD stays with you guys the better. You will never stop her from having a relationship with her mom, so there's no worries there, but if she sees a bit less of her mum this might be a good thing, for now. 14 is such an impressionable age, it's not easy being a teenager and you want SD to become a self confident person, who respects herself and others. To me it sometimes feels like it's make or break at that age, as I often wonder with my own skids which way they'll go.

I guess all I want to say is: If BM doesn't want to see SD then I would let it be for a while. SD has nothing to apologise for, and BM's therapist should explain to BM that the forgiving part does not apply like this, I mean come on!!
mom2emall
14 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Bm sounds like a real piece of work. She is never wrong and refuses to take responsibility for her actions. And she has the gall to say her dd has to apologize before being allowed over there again??? APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT??? For being honest and hurt?

As for having a 2 year old swearing at someone I find that sickening.

Obviously bm is not a person who can reflect on what she has done wrong. This whole get over it and move on attitude does not work. Taking responsibility for your actions does.

If I were you I would let it be and reassure sd that her feelings are appropriate and that the way her bm is acting is wrong. Maybe explain to her that some people just are not willing to see what they are doing is wrong or accept responsibility for their actions. And that is something bm needs to do.

I am so sorry that sd has to deal with this!

and continues getting better . . . (this ones for you, Sweeby!)

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justmetoo

lovehadley

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