Adult Stepdaughter Still Resents Me After 20 Years
tlc1958
17 years ago
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sunnygardenerme
17 years agohamsteve
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Adult stepdaughter moved in.
Comments (15)she quit because they wanted her to work the day after Thanksgiving". Naw! No way! In *retail*??? She quit so she could move into her father's new beachfront home. and your husband knows it. There's no way to live a happy, normal life with a passive/aggressive person. Every time you get happy because you think you've *finally* gotten things on track, he'll sabotage the whole structure. & open his eyes wide & say in an injured tone that he doesn't know *why* you're mad at him, he didn't do anything. He'll keep you so busy putting out brush fires that you won't be able to take the long view, to get some perspective on what's actually going on & what the future is likely to be like. sound familiar? Fathers often do over-indulge manipulative 'children' out of guilt ("I moved out on my family, I'm the reason she's unhappy"); a halfway skillful 'child' can leverage that for a lifetime! But since even his young son's problems don't make any difference in this father's behavior, there must be more in it than guilt. Like the fact that, although the two of you have the same level of education & the same earning capacity, he's in control & you're frazzled, stressed out, & miserable. & you're a domestic servant, cleaning the stairs & keeping food warm for his rude daughter. so I don't think that the problem is "her" so much as it is "him & her". The two of them are working as partners to get what they want, & it's working very well. They have no reason to accomodate you; doing so would, in fact, reduce their satisfaction with life. I think it's time for one or the other to move out of the 'dream (nightmare) home' & let life calm down. Just in case you're not ready to take that step, & I do know that we have to be 'ready', you might change some things to reduce your stress while you give him one more opportunity to shape up: Stop enabling her! no holding food in the warming drawer, no "bending over backwards", no talking to her like you're too dumb to realize that she's your rival & that she enjoys making a fool of you. This is your territory, you're the alpha female, your cubs are suffering, you need to assert yourself (stop cleaning those stairs, for crying out loud, & never ever act like you're "trying to work with her"). Tell hubs that he's treading on thin ice for lying to you, that he well knows that you never would have agreed to have his grown daughter move in forever, that she's outstayed her welcome not only by length of "visit" but by behavior & attitude, & that he's to get her out of there at once. Then give *her* a date (do *not* expect him to actually follow through; he doesn't believe you'll take any action if he does nothing), & if she isn't out, put her belongings in storage & change the locks. He'll likely become indignant & proclaim that "it's his house too", *& he may have her move back in*. You need to be prepared for that to happen. If this "girl" moves back in, *she'll* have absolute free rein to treat you like dirt, & *he'll* enjoy it. If she moves back in, it means that your husband is so sure of his control that he believes that he has nullified your power, that you are completely powerless. (This is what abusers of all sorts do to their victims: physical/emotional/sexual abusers, p!mps, drug dealers, all of them, because it really works) At that point, you must move on & get a real life, one in which you are not property but an independent young professional woman raising her family, or maybe at some point, a valued partner to a loving person who feels grateful to have you. You can do this; You are a healthy young woman, you can manage your own life & your own home, & you can raise your children to be happy, well-adjusted human beings without getting ensnarled in disfunction & co-dependence. I wish you the best....See MoreClingy Adult StepDaughter
Comments (5)I think some kids of divorce hold on to slights (real or imagined) forever. My daughter and son were 9 & 7 when their father and I divorced. They are in their 40's now. Despite our best efforts, one rolled with the punches and the other one to this day still has little flashes of resentment. It sounds like your husband -and you too - stayed very involved in her life, making the best of a situation he chose to be able to make a living. You always hope that once kids grow up and start looking at life through grown up eyes, they'll realize things are not always the black and white of their youth. So at 29 years old, if she still suffers abandonment issues, it's way beyond time for her to own them. It may be that she's sensed your husband guilt in this regard and is playing on it. The fact that you still have family vacations is wonderful. But the fact that a 29 year old woman feels that EVERY vacation you take needs to include her, IS unnerving. I can see how that would be disturbing to you. It's like a spin off of Arrested Development! You can't really control what she thinks or says or does. You can only control how you react to it. And I think the less reaction, the better? She is likely just trying to call your bluff, but If she is silly enough to go to the same place on her own, just tell her you can probably get together for dinner one night and leave it at that. Fortunately it seems your husband also finds her behavior odd. Think how whacked out you'd be if he was agreeing with HER all the time!!...See MoreAdult step-daughter won't leave!
Comments (7)There're 3 unreasonable & obnoxious things going on here, & 1 of them is downright scary. #1: Your house rules say that once a child moves out, that child has well & truly moved out. However, the rule is being applied to only one. Yours. #2 You missed an opportunity to stand up to him when he ran your daughter off. (Can you imagine how your daughter feels?) #3 Your husband ran *your* daughter off, & now you're taking a back seat to *his* daughter & whatever she dishes out, & your husband is mad at you for being unhappy about it *& he isn't backing you up, & he isn't listening to you, & he is not acting like a partner*. The first thing an abuser does is isolate a victim from family & friends. You no longer have your own daughter living with you, & you're under the control of this man & his daughter. Your husband is the only one who can change things, & he's happy with everything but your "complaints". Women believe words, & men believe actions. If the situation is intolerable, you have to make it *his* problem rather than just objecting, no matter how well-founded your objections are. I my own self would change the locks & file for divorce, but I don't know your financial situation. If you cannot bring yourself to do that, you might just disengage- no meals, no laundry, no cleaning, no keeping either of them company. leave the house every week-end. I wish you the best....See MoreBackstabbing adult stepdaughters
Comments (2)I'm so sorry. Saying it's "only" about the children minimizes your situation: in this family, it's all about the children, at least it's all about the eldest daughter. She determines your whole life, & it ain't good. Your "husband" isn't doing what a grown married man should do for his wife; he & his daughter are the couple, & you're...there. It hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse, & it'll continue to get worse until one of you dies. You might want to hope that it's you who goes first, because if he goes first, you'll get a nasty shock when the will is read: if it's possible for him & her to do it, you'll be out of the house & out of money, income, & benefits. She'll have it all. don't know why they're this way, but they are, & they like it. Don't stir the situation, don't try to reason or plead with their father; he's at least as responsible as she is, & he's satisfied with the situation. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best....See Morelilysuzanne40
17 years agodanabell
17 years agosweetannie
17 years ago
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