I have problems with this issue. First let me give some background info. My parents were never married and I am not close to my father. For the first 8 years of my life it was just me and my mum. Then she decided to get married. Shortly after she got married she had my brother. So within a span of a year 1 went from being my mum's only focus to getting a 3rd of her attention. Actually less than a third, since alot of attention was given to a new husband and baby. To complicate things it was not a happy marriage and they faught constantly and split up countless times. They eventually divorced 5 years later. My mum was never one to have alot of botfriends but whenever she did they became like her main focus. I have just had a really difficult time with this. It's not that I'm starved for attention but when you bring a new person into a child's life it disrupts there sense of stability. For the past few years she has not had any serious boyfriends. But now she is talking about getting married to a boyfriend that I have only met once. I'm trying to be open to it but even at 20 it is hard. My mum and I have always been very close. It was not unusual for us to talk on the phone several times a day. But since she has been dating this new guy for the past few months she has been preoccupied and basically has no time for me. Sometimes I call and she doesn't get back to me for days. I would really like to have an easier time with this but I have already been through this and it was not a very good experience. I don't think she realizes that the decision that she makes will effect more than just her. I want her to be happy but not at the expense of the relationship that I have with her. A small bit of it is jealousy but I don't think I'm being unreasonable for resenting that my life is also going to change and i have no say in it. I'm tired of being there for her when she is alone. When she has a boyfriend it's like, I have someone to hang with, I don't need you anymore. I think it's unfair and selfish. She just told me that she had a boyfriend 2 weeks ago and now they're planning to get married and I'm just supposed to be fine with it. I don't know how to handle welcoming a stranger into my family.

sorry, I thought i had posted it, but forgot and just wanted to give the update at the tail end. sorry for wasting the space.... rgds, Less_Lisamarie

I could be wrong but I read in the original post that the 4 y/o is a she, not a he. Nic25, this is a real dilemma for you. If, indeed, her mother is dead set on alienating these kids from you, in all likelihood, as Sylvia wrote you on 7/19, they will be alienated from you. On the other hand, occasionally efforts at alienation fail because, as JNM wrote, sometimes as kids grow up, they begin to see the disconnect between what they have been told and the reality of their own experience. Ultimately, you have to know yourself. Stepfamilies are not for sissies. When you have one parent actively attempting to sabatoge the household of the other parent, lots of hurtful things occur. It takes a VERY thick skin; you have to KNOW whatever the kids may say is not about you, but the result of a pathological dynamic between two people who couldn't figure out a way to live with each other before you ever came along. You and your BF/future DH absolutely have to "have each other's backs." This doesn't mean your BF needs to choose you over his children; it just means he needs to understand where his children's behavior is stemming from. The kids are victims in the war between the adults. The thing with wars is they only go on as long as at least two parties engage in them. This means your BF has to emotionally detach from his X and deal with her strictly on a "business" level. Stick to the legal agreement reached in the divorce; be as amicable as possible; if the X wants to play games with the agreement,document, document, document and let the lawyers handle it. If you are a sensitive person whose feelings are easily hurt, you very well may want to take several steps back and really do some soul-searching. It may be that a man who already has children is not the ideal situation for you. That's OK. It isn't a character flaw or a reflection of your worth as an individual. I would ask myself, "Is this what I want my life to be if this is what life is going to be like with my boyfriend and his children?" If your answer is "yes" and you think you are up to facing the challenge of living a life with constant negativity from his children and their mother, then I encourage you to begin working to strengthen your internal reserves of patience and perseverance. You will need them. If your answer is "no," then for your sake, your BF's sake, and, most of all, the sake of his children, you need to gently and decisively, remove yourself from their lives and get on with yours. I do not envy you this difficult and painful situation.

If I may post a differing point of view: I often find even the "attack" posts helpful, if for no other reason than to get a glimpse into the mind of someone who is just plain mad as he** and lashing out. I deal with someone like that -- my stepmother -- who takes offense at the slightest transgression, nurses a grudge like a mother nurses her young, and never misses a chance to point fingers and play the victim. When I see a posted topic that lays out a position that sounds logical, with a simple request for feedback, I'm almost eager to see what the "attackers" are going to say. Negative Nellies are often hard to read and they never fail to surprise me in their response. Then I apply that response to my stepmother (others might apply it to DH's ex, etc.) and I begin to see just where stepfamilies go so horridly wrong. Through this board, I've discovered one thing that I always keep in the front of my mind now: A nuclear family is the most natural thing in the world. Everyone in it comes from a basis of love -- a parent's love for child, a wife's love for her husband, a husband's love for his wife, a child's love for his parents -- it all works, mostly, in harmony. A stepfamily is created from the pieces of that which has been broken. It's not surprising that it doesn't glue together properly every single time. Dad falls in love with wife, who doesn't automatically love his children. Said children wish mum and dad would just get back together and definitely does not love stepmum. No one, it seems, is prepared to offer the unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness that is found in the traditional family. Those who do, such as Dana, often struggle with the task because others in the new family do not try as hard. The whole mixture breeds anger, bitterness and resentment and that's where the attack posters come from. I suggest looking at attack posters as the bitter spice in your cupboard. You don't always use it, a full measure might make you retch, but used in the right way it brings a balance to a recipe. Even if that balance is a little unbalanced. (wink, wink)