Stepmother from hell
thestepdaughter
16 years ago
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Comments (23)
hlmhr
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolilysuzanne40
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Step-Mother Wedding Etiquette
Comments (30)I decided to redo this since the format got messed up on the above. What I’ve realized being a SM for over 16 years: • As a SM, you will never have a traditional marriage. • Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step hell. • Most people will see you literally as the second wife, meaning that BM gets to overrule you any time, any place, over anything. In the US, BM gets to overrule her ex- too. If bio-dad remarries, he is still seen as being owned by and an extension of BM/his -ex. He is incapable of independent thought and just a remarried old fool that BM (and SKs sometimes) still gets to play on. This is the imagine often portrayed in the media and what most people think. • There is very little genuine research that has been done on SPs, and even counselors will lap up unproven "givens" about SPs. For example, the so-called given that SMs hog all of dad's time and won't let him see the kids. For me, and I know for other SMs, since day one, I have nearly begged DH to do more with his kids, and he would definitely have an even lesser relationship with them if it wasn't for me. • More than likely you will get screwed at weddings and other similar family events. Since society sees you as the 2nd submissive wife, with BM in control, everyone will expect BM and DH to hang out together at family events. Yes, BM and DH are parents, but they are NOT a couple. Despite you and DH being married for 20 years, for example, whenever BM is around, pretty much everyone will think and treat BM and DH like a couple. Even after 20 years of marriage, if you try to take your place next to your husband, you will be accused of trying to usurp BM, and “how dare you!!” At these events, SM or step-dad is usually seen as an annoying object in the way, because everyone knows that BM and bio-dad are the REAL couple, despite that fact that their first impulse when laying eyes on each other may be to beat the living crap out of the other. • You will never get anywhere near the kudos you deserve for what you have done for DH’s family and how you have kept it and them all together throughout the years. As a matter of fact, you may even and probably will be punished for your good efforts. • AT the end of the day, try to put up with it the best you can until the SKs are adults, and then if the family still hasn’t figured out that you and DH are a couple and deserve to be treated like a couple 100% of the time, disengage from a family that expects you to continually pay the price for their divorce that happened XYZ years ago and that you had no part in. Just say NO whenever you feel No. Use NO wisely and use it well. You don’t have to go to events where you are treated little better than cattle fodder. The divine family can all hang out together and sort out their own family ills. Granted, they may not miss SM, but they will miss their scapegoat. • YOU on the other hand, love your DH, let him deal alone with the adult SKs (and SGKs) every chance you get, and enjoy yourself! You know you’re married to your DH, and your DH knows that he is married to you....See More'The wicked stepmother????'
Comments (10)Dear Jenny, Coolmom has brought up an issue that I think you may want to discuss with your husband. The liability issue of this child. He is in the position of being completely liable for whatever this kid does, and yet has no say so or influence on him. The boy will be driving next year. Can your husband for see him being responsible behind the wheel? Who is going to provide him with a car and insurance? I believe 100% the kid should have a job and earn the privilege and responsibility of a vehicle. The courts now a days are holding parents liable and accountable for minors. If he has no authority and that kid goes out and truly hurts someone, your husband is going to be in a horrible position. He may seriously want to consider terminating his responsibility on this child. This child is in contact with his bio father. The man is there influencing this child. Let him step up and be responsible. If this boy does love your husband, some day he will come back and thank him for all he has done for him, not out of obligation, but because of the love and goodness in his heart. What a wonderful opportunity for that young man. Your husband won't be turning his back on him. He will actually be giving the boy another person in his life, his bio dad. Seems like everyone wins then. I feel badly for the older son. He is 24 and still at home with the momma. I don't understand why he can't have a relationship with his dad. Sounds more like he won't cross momma. Too bad a 24 year old young man can't make his own decisions. Sounds like both boys have a lot of growing up to do. Somebody better let them do it....See MoreThe Stepdaughter from Hell
Comments (32)((((Bugfarm)))) You tried with her and it was set up against you from the start. All through your postings one question kept going through my mind: where is the mother? You answered in the final post: absent. The biomom, as you say hasn't "contributed one dime to the kid's upbringing" nor does it sound like she contributed much else. Your stepdaughter is enormously angry and has little self esteem or she wouldn't be taking those pictures. Self-confidence and self-esteem come from a parent paying very close attention to a child and personalities are formed in the first few years. Inattention can have serious repercussions, as you've seen, and even result in psychiatric disorders. Some children with strong personalities simply take over the house when the parents abdicate. She doesn't trust anyone and she's learned that she can feel in control through manipulation and bad behavior, as flawed as her logic may be. She doesn't trust you because she can't trust her own mother. If you feel you've done the best you can with her, and it sounds like you have, then put your mind at rest and work on restoring harmony in your marriage. Your husband stepped in but it sounds as if he's let you do most of the work for a long time. I hope he's apologized for the physical abuse you endured. That is unacceptable that you would have to live in fear in that way under any circumstances. That should be made clear in the future. Bless you, because you obviously had the strength and determination to try to do what you felt was right. Ultimately though, his daughter is his responsibility, not yours even though she's been living in your house. You love him and you stood in. But the stepmother simply isn't part of "the family of origin." Even with much more well adjusted children I've found this to be true. Few of them will accept what you have to say and perhaps its time for you to stop trying at all. Wash your hands of her and let him step in and deal with her in the future. Of course you love her or you wouldn't have tried so hard. I think the poster who suggested there's another side to the story doesn't get this at all....See MoreStepmother desperately needs HELP!!!!!!
Comments (2)Hi Kay.....Welcome. I think if I were in your shoes I might try a couple of things with both SDs, altering things a bit to suit the ages of each. I would have a meeting with all of you, (husband and his daughters) and put a few things out on the table. If I had children, grown or not, that would not respect my husband, I believe the conversation would go something like this.... To the 23 yr. old.." I do not understand why you would choose to treat the man that I love with such disrespect. If you love and respect me you will not continue to do this. You are behaving in a mean and spiteful way and it is bound to affect our relationship. Although I love you with all of heart and that will never change I can't continue to put up with this. If you can't work it out on your own I suggest that you get counseling and I would be happy to participate in that with you. If you choose not to do anything about your treatment of my husband then our relationship, as much as it breaks my heart, will have change. You and I can't be close if you are choosing to treat my husband, the man that I love, in this manner. Please consider what I said and remember, from now on I will not tolerate disrespect towards my husband from you." I would encourage a heart to heart with the oldest to see if she will open up to you. If not if would give you the chance to tell her that you don't understand why she is treating you the way that she is and would she please tell you what she is angry or hurt about. Let her know that it is your desire to have a good relationship with her and she can set the boundaries for that but you won't present yourself as a whipping post for her. That is over. The 10 year old needs a good talking to and perhaps your husband and her mother should sit down first. The same principals apply to her as the older daughter with the understanding that she is 10. I suggest counseling again. I would apply some punishment for the 10 year olds behavior. If her mom doesn't have a problem with her or she doesn't behave that way towards her then set up your own system in your home. Husband needs to lay down the law with this one and attach privileges to good behavior. No disrespect towards you should be tolerated, any should be addressed and discipline should follow. You can talk with her also. Be honest about how she makes you feel but don't allow her to have power over you. I remember telling my SD33, who lived with my ex and me for 13 years, that I didn't marry her dad for her love and if she never loved me I could live with that but she would treat me with respect. It was not a choice, it was not a request it was an order. She and I have a wonderful relationship now. I wish you the best. I'm sure that you will get great advice here. These women ( and some men) have a lot to offer....See Morevistajpdf
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