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Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

Posted by funfzuckerschnecke (My Page) on
Thu, Aug 12, 10 at 23:07

hello all

I've been reading posts about skids trying to find a solution to my situation.

I have 4 kids under 9-20 and DSO has 3 kids 24 - 30. My kids are welcoming and loving. His kids wish I would drop dead. :o(
Mine live with us (not the 20, but the 9 12 AND 17) and we are a family.
His kids have snubbed me since Day one.
I've met 2 of them twice and the oldest I know much better, and he does behave politely.

We are getting married next month and they were all invited but decided NOT to come.
DSO was heartbroken but also realizing he needs to go on with his life. He wants to marry me and will not be going back to Ex wife. which oddly enough seems to be what the sKIDS fantasy is. I don't know. It's just that they make sure EX is always included when he visits them and encourage him to sleep in her house, as well during visit weekends.

I finally spent some time with them this summer on a HUGE family vacation and they decided they REALLy dislike me. Do NOT want us to be together etc etc etc...to the point of creating a scene.
Calling me names and pointedly leaving the room whenever I entered it.
'm sure you want to know what I did.
Well, I took up some of Daddy time. I tried not to. We rented a separate beach house and I went "home" to bed with my younger kids while he stayed up with his older ones each night. I was asked a personal question at dinner with 15poeple that I chose not to answer, feeling totally called out. And was accused of not opening up and trying to get to know them. Guilty. I guess. I tried to keep it light because I knew the hostility was waiting below the surface. It's a Lose Lose sitch for me I think.

Fair enough. They are entitled to their feelings. There is a lot of healing around the DSO divorce that I don't think has happened but it's been 5 years...so...
we went ahead and planned the wedding without them.
Now
their Grandma has jumped in and decided they Should come and bought them tickets and hotel rooms.

With NO discussion or communication whatsoever. I get a text (first time ever) saying they are coming and we "better have given them the date right cause their tickets are already purchased."

I am feeling very manipulated.
At this point. I do NOT want them here. I think it will be a HUGE stress with the very obvious hostility and resentment on their part.
I would very much like it to be peaceful intimate ceremony of Love and commitment.
PEACE and LOVE? please?
I'm seriously concerned that they will drink too much and spoil the day.

It is causing a rift between DSO and I. He doesn't want to uninvite them.
I say they boycotted and we made other plans.

I feel bullied and strong armed and am deeply unhappy that he won't stand up to them and create some boundaries.
He says he'll talk to them.
I say it's too late.
They already showed their true faces when they behaved so rudely on our vacation together.

What do I do?
I have read that I need to take the high road and be the adult etc etc that it will cause a rift down the road.
But, I feel this is my ONE day.
If they come with malice and drink too much or just plain decide to be vocal with their unhappiness, there's no do-overs.

I want to do the right thing.
My counselor tells me to let go of the notion that we will ever be a big extended Brady Bunch family.
at this point I don't care if I never see them again.

DSO has always taken separate vacation time to visit them. I had wanted to change that and blend us better. But, it didn't happen.

Now what?

Wedding is a month away IF it happens.
HELP?

Thank you so much if you read this far.

FZ


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

Hmm, I realize you're upset... But just a bit of a heads-up, opening with that you wish his kids would drop dead isn't likely to get you lot of positive responses around here. We're all here because we've had some sort of struggle, but it tends to ruffle feathers when people open with something like that.

I think you have a right to be upset about how his kids have treated you. It sounds like they've been pretty dreadful.
My DH's SM puts me on the spot with personal questions in groups too and it makes me very angry. Or she'll passive-aggressively press buttons until I respond and then she pulls a lame "Well, jeeeeeeez, I was just kidding!" defense.
It IS bullying behavior and no one should have to tolerate it.

It's certainly odd that they want their dad to stay at their mom's house, but it's your SO's job to set them straight and say "Your mother and I are divorced, so that doesn't seem terribly appropriate."
It'll probably tick them off, but he needs to do it.

I'm an adult SD. I get along really well with my SM. She's great! We've butted heads from time to time, but overall we have a wonderful relationship.
But I also like time with just my dad. I've had to tactfully ask for it a few times, but he's figured out that it's important to have his OWN relationship with each of his four adult children. We all have to work hard to maintain and respect the individual relationships that make up our very large blended family (7 kids and 13 grandkids with a 14th on the way), but we got the hang of it after awhile.

Do your FSCs have a habit of drinking too much and spoiling family events? Does your DH share your concern about the kids drinking too much and causing a scene?
Could the grandma who is paying for their tickets help promote some peace and love?


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

Ceph, op stated Skids wished that she would drop dead.

Honestly, I think you should postpone your wedding. It has been made clear they are going to go out of their way to make your life a misery-and trust me, they will. Your SO will not stand up to them & if you think its bad now, just wait.

These things need to be resolved before the marriage.. don't get caught up in the romance & rosepetals.

I'm sorry to bring you down but if he won't stand up to adult kids now and insist they at least treat you respectfully, well its not going to get better. Sadly I speak from experience.

((Hugs)) Don't do it girlfriend.
-Cat


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ceph

ceph, nobody said that they wished kids dead.

That's what OP said: " His kids wish I would drop dead. :o( "

I think there is a big difference between the two


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what to do?

so sorry you have such horrible SKs. if SKs show up and act inappropriately and get drunk, it would reflect poorly on them, not you.

I understand you don't want your wedding ruined but I don't see how you can ask them not to come. Honestly with family members like that it is better to elope. SD28 insisted on having a big wedding and ended up with her mother and mother's boyfriend passing out drunk and ruining all the best moments and making it miserable for everyone.

I wouldn't invite anyone and just go to Vegas if I worried about them ruining it. What does your future husband say about all this?


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

LOL, sorry about that! I put the pronouns in the wrong order. I apologize.
The rest is still relevant as is though.


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Reflection

ended up with her mother and mother's boyfriend passing out drunk and ruining all the best moments and making it miserable for everyone
Oh, I remember that. It was a bad scene.
PO1 is correct that it doesn't reflect badly upon YOU if they act inappropriately at your wedding, or even on your SO. At their ages, it reflects badly on THEM.


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

Why not just elope?


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

First take a deep breath. If your wedding is next month you are probably so stressed by now that any problem may appear bigger than it is. Even if your FSC do hate you (and it's not clear to me that they do; it sounds more like they are just very immature for their ages), hopefully their love for their father will over-ride that. I'm guessing Grandma sat them down and gave them what-for, pointed out that they are all grown adults and not children anymore, and that she expected them to show up at his wedding with their best game faces on to be supportive of their father.

I can understand why you don't want them there - I wouldn't either. But your FDH does; they are his kids, so you're kind of stuck. I doubt that they are really going to behave badly, honestly - if they were plotting some horrible wedding-spoiling behavior, they'd probably be incredibly nice to you right now, to lull any suspicions that you might have. You won't really get a chance to spend too much time with any particular people that day anyway, so it'll be very easy for you to avoid them (and they may be avoiding you too).

Like the other posters said, at their ages they would look incredibly bad if they behaved poorly, and no matter how immature they may be they've certainly got to realize that.

As for afterward, this may be there last hurrah, so to speak. Once the deed is done and they are forced to accept that Dad is not going back to Mom, ever, they may start giving you more of a chance.

Now take another deep breath. And repeat after me "I am going to be married soon! And soon the wedding will be over! Over over over!" :)


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

Thank you for your responses.

The ironic thing about eloping is
We ARE in Vegas. LoL
We Live here.

and my sister is flying in from Germany.
My best friend, too.
DSO's best friend as well, but that is it as far as guests.
We're not having "guests" per se because Everyone is IN the wedding party! :O)

Since we are already in Vegas, Skids are now flying in for a Fun weekend and the wedding.

I think I need to postpone.
Which breaks my heart since the plans have come this far AND my bio kids hearts are involved pretty deeply.

But, I just don't feel like DSO has my back at all, and ultimately, isn't that what marriage is? Regardless of kid issues, the couple/adult/parents need to stand united.

I'm not feeling safe at my own wedding. I want to be open and loving and forgiving and I think I am to an extent. OK, I do hear myself saying, "to an extent"
Qualifier.
I can forgive, but I can't forget.
as the saying goes.
I REALLY STrongly DO NOT want to put myself in a situation that is Hugely Important to me and feel like I'm walking on eggshells around his girls.

Do I cancel everything?
Does he step up and create a boundary?

Is his daughter promising Not to cause a scene enough?
Do I speak to her myself?
Because at this point hearing him reassure me does not seem to be enough.

AND she has never apologized for all the bitter drama last time we "met."

Thank you for letting me air my unhappiness and confusion.

I'm a much more kind a loving person than this.
I try to be.
It's funny how people can push buttons and then we feel bad about ourselves.
This is bringing up all sorts of issues.
premarital counseling here we come!

Much happiness,
FZ


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

I could never understand why some adult children do not have their own lives and have to be so obsessed over their parents' lives. It is so unhealthy. My DD22 cannot care less what I do. Even if she would dislike my choice, she would keep it to herself because she has a life. I could see kids being concerned if they live with parents, but if they are on their own what do they care?

As about if they will behave poorly or not. I attended more than one wedding where close family members or guests or best man behaved inappropriately. More so I attended weddings where grooms and brides themselves were inappropriate. I would not be surprised. And if they have drinking problems, then they have limited control over their own actions.

Pre-marital counseling is a great idea. Hope it all works. Wedding is just one day, focus on what is good for your future marriage not the wedding.


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

Wow!
this site is So helpful. I'm glad I stumbled onto it.

I am reading and REreading your replies, which are all so insightful.

I can see I need to calm down. Allowing them to subversively cancel the wedding is unhealthy.
Must Focus on the positive and not get into a power struggle with my skids. "skids" that is so funny! Never heard it before yesterday. I hope I don't call them that out loud. ;o)

So It looks like they're not coming/they're coming...who knows if they'll actually show up.
Either way I will be OK.

Hmmm Must just keep telling myself that ...like a mantra.

MY support group will be there and that is the most important thing. Must focus on the proper priorities.

much happiness,
FZ


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

"Your SO will not stand up to them & if you think its bad now, just wait."

These things *never* get better, they get worse & worse & worse, until you are exhausted & browbeaten & you give up or until you die.

Your guy's children are not "subversively cancelling the wedding";
they're in a pitched battle for possession of their father, & they're winning.

*You* need to cancel or at least delay the wedding.

Enjoy your out-of-town guests;
they aren't coming to see a show, they're coming because they love you, so don't feel that you have to give them a wedding show.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Adult Steps Uninvited to wedding???

Hi SyliviaTx

If I cancel, then they ARE "winning"

It's become all about them...when it needs to be (remain) about my DSO and I.

I wish it were different, but it's not.

I totally agree with your assessment of the power struggle.
How do I reassure them that he's still their Dad?
Without being walked on that is...

We're debating an earlier date. LoL
but, Aunt Flo will be here then and she is Definitely NOT invited to the ceremony.

Soooo the big decision now is Do we have a quiet ceremony without them and meet them for a special family dinner afterward, and can we get away with that without any more hurt feelings?
or do we suck it up and just take the plunge and let the chips fall where they may...Hopefully OFF of the skids shoulders.
;o)

My gut tells me they would be pleased for us to cancel the wedding.
My heart tells me I need to marry him, or not, Regardless of what his kids are saying.
Is this the man I want to spend a good portion of my life with? Is he good to me? Is he good to my kids?
Those kinds of questions...

Thank you so much!!!

Fz


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

"But, I just don't feel like DSO has my back at all, and ultimately, isn't that what marriage is? Regardless of kid issues, the couple/adult/parents need to stand united.

I'm not feeling safe at my own wedding."

These are HUGE red flags. If you cancel YOU are winning because you are choosing to address big fat hairy issues BEFORE you bind yourself to this guy for life.

I hope you can look at what is happening with more of a cold clinical eye, rather than a romantic wedding eye. I suspect you will go forward with high hopes that everyone has good intentions and your STBDH does have your back when in fact he does not.

Sorry, but I have been there and chose to ignore those warning flags myself. Big mistake.

If the man loves you, he will deal with this stuff and wait til the time is right. Yea sure it could be nerves, that explains why his kids treat you like crap, invite themselves, and your STBDH does nothing to stand up for you the woman who is to be by his side forever. That explains it all. Just don't expect anything to change after the wedding. They might realize you are there to stay but it won't stop the way they have treated you and neither will your new DH-cause he won't stop it now.

You are suppposed to be a treasure to him, not a pushover. Why don't you go read a few of my old posts and see what your in for before you sign up for life. No man is worth it. None.

Again I say: "don't do it girlfriend."

~Cat


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RE Ad Step children Uninvited to wedding???

"Is this the man I want to spend a good portion of my life with? Is he good to me? Is he good to my kids?"

Really? You still question these things? Please, please wait. Why the rush to marry? I really don't see how it even financially benefits the woman anymore? (ps. don't forget the pre-nup) Most women are pretty together and independant. If it's companionship your after it's a lot less hassel just co-habitating, or even visiting.

I just don't see the draw to the whole marriage thing anymore unless your planning on having kids and things like that..though I think I'm picturing you as a 40 something woman in my head, which may not be the case.

~Cat


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

I agree with Cat about the marriage situation. I think the adult children problem will work it self out. It maybe that they will never be close to you, does that bother you? If you love the man try to work out a solution. I really think in most cases the 'kiddies' are jealous. Just be sure to discuss it with him in a calm manner and let him know how you feel. Try to keep emotions in check and a trip to a professional does help. It does seem that many adult children are not very 'adult' at all. I met DH when I was 47 and we started a romantic relationship when I was 48. He had transferred from the state where his adult children lived and each year he would pay for 4 to 5 of them to come for a week or two vacation. This cost about $5000! For some strange reason it was always the same oldest daughter that came with her children. I stayed out of it and they were polite. Then he retired and I still worked, they expected the same trips, plus send one of hers to France on a school trip, another two of hers wanted to come each year at Christmas, all at our expense. He had been buying Christmas gifts for each grandchild (12) from a list they provided, plus giving all three of his daughters $300 for gifts and $100 each to shop for themselves. Can you spell guilt lol!!!!! And his 3 girls took advantage of it. I was paying the house payments and other bills and the oldest had the nerve to ask him who was getting the house when he died.
I told him we could not afford all of this after he retired and he agreed. That's when they started to get nasty with me, they do not even say hello when I answer the phone and my name is never included on the cards. Of course, it was all my fault. I explained to them we didn't have the same amount of money as before. I guess to punish him they stopped calling, send no cards Christmas, Father's Day, or his birthday. This hurt him deeply and he talked to a counselor. After we had been together for 6 years and a Christmas without hearing from them I called one of his sisters and explained what was going on. I asked her if she thought I was out of line if I called them, she said no, that she thought they were selfish. I wanted until DH went to bed (3 hour time difference, we were later) and I e-mailed one and told her how disappointed I was that as big of a family as he has not one of them could call him on Christmas or the other holidays. I said I would send her the pre stamped cards if that was the problem. I had the phone number for the oldest and I called her. I politely and calmly told her the same thing. She started screaming at me so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear. She said everything was fine until I came along, he was retiring in their state until he met me. They all 3 did send cards the next holiday so it was worth it. They will not come to visit unless we pay for it. It is not that they can't afford it. We moved to a small area and they say there is nothing to do here. Doesn't visit your father count???? When we send gifts we never get a thank you and DH will call to see if they received the gift. The last time I embroidered 4 burp cloths and we mailed the gift. We had been invited to the shower in another state, but no one sent a thank you or even bothered to send a birth announcement. I told him this hurt my feelings and I would no longer make personal gifts for them. If he sends a gift it's up to him.
We have discussed the situation and we met with an attorney and had all papers drawn up and the house is in both our names.
It finally came to an understanding for him when his oldest called us last year and was telling him she had to put the kids school clothes on credit cards. I did fell a little sorry for her. 3 months later he receives a post card from Italy, she was on a 2 week vacation with her boy friend. His chin fell to the floor, but now he understands his daughter perfectly!!!!!
His brothers and sisters treat me very well, but I did let him visit last year alone when his brother was in hospice so he could visit his children without the tension of ME lol!!!!


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

"He had been buying Christmas gifts for each grandchild (12) from a list they provided, plus giving all three of his daughters $300 for gifts and $100 each to shop for themselves. Can you spell guilt lol!!!!!"

How about asking adult SDs what they want for Christmas and when they send a list every year buying everything on the list- over $1,000 per person. And no he isn't rich and no he cannot afford it. And yes he complains to me how they are ungrateful. And by the way most of the stuff never gets used or is exchanged and returned even though it was directly from the wish list. Can you spell "ungrateful".


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

I think Pof1 had some very good advice when she said that the wedding is just a one-day thing. I'd like to echo that and say:

Forget about the wedding -- and think about the MARRIAGE.

Is this the man you want to marry? Knowing that his adult kids are PITAs and probably always will be? Knowing that they are rude and disrespectful to you and that this man is unlikely to make a stand on your behalf if it means alienating them (and it probably would)? Is your financial situation improved by marriage? Do you have a good pre-nup drawn up that protects you in case he dies earlier than expected? What would happen to your kids?

All the important questions --

Then -- If you've decided you want to marry this man, go ahead and do it, in the wedding that you've planned. Don't insult them by marrying early, provoke them by cancelling, or give them the satisfaction of being the cause of the cancellation. Take the high road and show the kind of grace you're hoping they'll show. (They might.)

If you really think they may cause a scene, remember that it reflects on them, and not on you, and that it really isn't personal. If you think the scene they could cause would be truly vile (unsafe?), then consider hiring a few security guards to wait unobtrusively in the wings and only reveal themselves if needed. Or ask a close friend to 'chaperone' the SKids if you think a possible scene would be relatively minor.


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

"If I cancel, then they ARE "winning"

It's become all about them...when it needs to be (remain) about my DSO and I."

These kids win whether you marry or not;
the only difference is between your life becoming your own once again or your life becoming one long miserable losing battle until you die.

Their father has proven that he does *not* have your back;
he wants you to fit into whatever niche his children are willing for you to have, *& they aren't willing to let you have breathing room & never will*.

I understand that you love him, but he doesn't love you enough in return to put his foot down.

Marry him & you'll prove to him that he doesn't *have* to demand that his children treat you with respect, & he never will demand that they do, & they never will.

been there done that paid for everybody's dang tee shirt & got treated very badly for my trouble.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

The problem that I see is that I don't know how FDH is supposed to "have your back" unless he uninvites his own children from the wedding! I wouldn't see that as him being supportive of you so much as you demanding "my way or the highway".

What if, instead of his kids, it was his mother who had behaved this way to you (was rude, called you names, threatened to boycott the wedding)? Would you be demanding that he uninvite his mother? Is part of the problem that you feel that his kids should be treating you with at least a modicum of civility because he is their father? (I agree with that, btw.)

I still feel that a great deal of it may be pre-wedding stress. SS18 went through a period where, for whatever reason, he kept threatening to boycott our wedding (not so much directed at me as his being in attendance while DH remarried anyone other than his ex). He did come in the end, and I was in a panic that he was going to cause some huge scene - but he couldn't have been nicer or more helpful with last minute wedding stuff.

It's just so hard because you're trying to plan this wonderful romantic day, but you can't control all the possibilities of things that could go wrong. The harder you try the more stressed you will get, and then it's guaranteed that you won't enjoy the day. If you're sure that this is the right man for you, and you're sure that you can deal with whatever life throws at you after the wedding, I'd try not to worry too much about what might happen on the actual day itself. The only thing that is really important, in the end, is that you will be marrying the man that you love.


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

I respectfully disagree with Mattie. I used to think this way however, that you are marrying than man you love is NOT the only thing that matters.

You must think of how your life will be post wedding. Frankly if his mother treated you badly heck yea he should un invite her!

By the way the kids invited themselves, correct? Perhaps I misread but thought this was a small already planned ceremony.

I am going to advise as did Sweeby that you not focus so much on the wedding but rather the marriage and what your life will be like if none of these issues change. Can you live with that-without being miserable? If so, go for it.

Think it through.
-Cat


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RE: Adult Step children Uninvited to wedding???

So, Fun...

Did you marry SO? How was your wedding, an how did the marriage turn out???


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