"blacked out drunk since about three months before our wedding"

You are getting just what you asked for. What did you expect???????

""blacked out drunk since about three months before our wedding"

You are getting just what you asked for. What did you expect???????"

Well, that was my first thought. My second thought was, "Why the F--- do you stay? How F-ing stupid are you?" I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but honey, do you need a wake-up call.

So he's put you through 2 1/2 years of hell, leeching off you financially- you're enabling his sh!tty behaviour by continuing to give him money, looking after him and giving him a home, to your own detriment, how long does this have to continue before you wake up and smell the coffee?

" I was thinking about how I need to calm down, turn the other cheek, and treat him with some respect if we are going to get through this. Immediately the thought was interrupted by a voice, a very distinct "NOOOOO!"" Your inner voice is soooooooo right. Listen!!!!! When has your husband ever calmed down, turned the other cheek and treated _you_ with respect? Sounds like never and also sounds like he ain't fixin to do it soon, either. You have done nothing _but_ turn the other cheek so far and all its gotten you is prime position as the family doormat and dogsbody.

Why should you have to tell him when he is being rude? If he had any kind of manners he would know. If after 3 1/2 years of this relationship you haven't been treated better by your husband, you are kidding yourself if you think he ever will. The heavens will open and a host will sing hosannas if he does.

Leave. Just leave. Listen to your smart subconscious telling you to slam that door and not look back. You can make it on your own, look how well you have managed in the face of a bottomless pit. Just imagine how good it will be once you get that leak plugged. What your husband does after that is up to him. Maybe he'll get his act together, maybe he won't. I'm betting he'll find another nice lady to suck down the black hole but that won't be your concern.

Too many nice women get dragged down by a$$hole men because they keep thinking, "But I loooooooooooove him". Trust me, it will be possible to love a nice man just as much- more even, because he will be loving you back and _behaving_ in a loving manner, not just saying the words and treating you like carp.

This post was edited by colleenoz on Mon, Aug 5, 13 at 10:46

Well...
you have 2 responses that give you good advice, once you recover from the shock of being blamed for 'putting up with it'.

What I have to add is this:

I once knew a guy who sounds just like this, & the fires won't stop with the kitchen grease fire.

The fires that I know of:

He was smoking in bed & passed out & the house burned down completely.
His wife's beloved African Gray parrot & her German Shepherd died in the fire.
Dan walked out without a scratch.

When they broke up, he rented a crummy mobile home that the homeowner had in front of the main house.
The landlord's son told me that they made him move;
on *3* separate occasions, he or his dad came home to find smoke pouring from the windows, Dan so passed out that they had a very hard time waking him up.

Dan rented a room from his employer.
The employer didn't allow alcohol or cigarettes.

Down the street was a pallet manufacturing plant.
When the plant burned to the foundations, the fire marshall found a huge stash of beer & liquor bottles.

Get out of that house before you burn to death,
& get the children out even if it means foster care.

I wish you the best.

I'm not going to focus on how or why you got where you are. Water under the bridge.

But . . . I think you're headed either for a total nervous breakdown or a stroke, maybe both. This situation is so fraught with danger for you and the children I can't even begin to do justice to the dimensions.

I would recommend three things:

1) Get out now. Go. Do not take the children. You don't have legal custody. That's kidnapping.

2) As soon as you're out call Children's Services and report. Those children aren't safe with their father for a single moment. Let the experts assess the situation.

3) Separate yourself financially 100%. If your husband's name is on any bank accounts or credit cards, remove it now.

Honestly, I don't think right now you are in any situation to make a decision beyond those. You need time to decompress and back off from the crazy-making of your circumstances.

If you feel guilty about leaving the kids, don't. Right now you're drowning right along with them and you have to save yourself.

As far as your husband is concerned, it's possible he's not only alcoholic but mentally ill or perhaps brain damaged. If in the fire he was oxygen-deprived or if he's served overseas and had any sort of traumatic brain injury, it may have caused undiagnosed damage.

But that's not your responsibility. That's what the VA is for. Try not to fall into the trap of believing it's your "mission" to save him.

Right now you are the only priority.

Sounds like you are dealing with an alcoholic. I know exactly what it is like. I live with a dry drunk. I used to be very calm and laid back. Now I am always mad, yelling and wishing he wouldn't come home at night...and he's been sober for a few years.

I wish someone had warned be fore I got into this mes.

The way I see it you have a few choices. You can:
1. Stay where you are and be miserable.
2. Go find an Al-anon meeting and get the focus off of him
3. Walk away.

I suggest starting with option 2. Trust me...the drunk isn't the only one with a problem. It's a hard reality but one that every spouse of an addict/alcoholic faces. Al-anon will help you learn to live with him as he is or help you make the choice to walk away. No one will make it for you but they will listen and relate to you.

And I wanted to mention one more thing...

Unless you have walked in the shoes of someone who lives with or is married to an alcoholic...you CAN'T relate. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation. They will twist your world around so bad you won't know where you are or how you got there. I used to think that people who stayed with an A were idiots and never understood why they just didn't walk away. Now I know for myself how one can get roped into staying and trying to help. That is where WE have the problem. You took on turning his finances around...you probably meant well but you became his enabler. I did the same thing. Sometimes helping is the WORST thing you can do

I can relate. My brother in law was one and I warned my sister before she married him. I told her he came to see me while you were away and I didn't realize he was drunk. He had me on the floor before I even realized I was going down. I said something that brought him to his senses and he left. In spite of this she married him because of money. Now she is an alcoholic. He could not give up his booze. He kids admitted him to a clinic and he still could not give it up.

Take readinglady's advice. She said it better than I could have!

Thank you for all of the advice. An interim update. He has been sober for 47 days. While I have seen him dry out for a few days in the past, this is the first time he has accepted and declared that he just can't drink anymore and ever again. He has informed work, family, and friends which helps with integrity.

I have been so angry and while I understand that expressing it may sabotage him, I just couldn't stop myself. He really got the brunt of it the first two weeks of his sobriety with the understanding that if I don't "get it out" I am going to be a bitter problem which is overall undesirable for everyone involved especially me. I am in no habit of staying angry. As my anger dwindled I realized that he was actually taking a different approach to sobriety this time. He tells me that he understands now that he can't drink at all and ever which makes it easier for him not to. Its just not an option in his head anymore. In addition to 47 days sober, he has also gone 47 days putting forth some serious effort at being a husband and father. He has been going to AA meetings everyday during his lunch break so as to not take time away from releasing me from kid duties. He has started to learn how to cook on the BBQ and relieves me of dinner duties on the weekends, days off, and minor holidays. He has been cleaning up after himself and keeping himself organized enough so he doesn't encroach onto me. Every weekend he has been actively engaging in spending time with his kids and helping me organize the disaster that was our house; as a result the kids are so much calmer and has started to restore their faith in their father. Financially, he has turned his spending around and the projected outcome is all debt paid off in 8 months. In the past he would do some of the above mentioned but his attitude was "someone is making me" so he would be pissed off every time he would help out. Now, he helps out without me even asking and seems to at least pleasantly tolerate some of the unpleasant tasks. This is so much better than a 34 year old angry teenager running around.

I feel like I am living in a fantasy marriage where I am getting everything I wanted. I will enjoy it; however, there has been daily "this may be temporary" thoughts to be sure.

Now that he has solidly hit his 30 day mark, he is aiming for three months, after that a year, three years, etc. He has informed me that he really doesn't have a constant urge to drink. He has occasional urges that catch him off guard. It seems to me that the urges are coming from "pampering himself", ie he sees an ad for some exotic beer, he envisions sitting out in the yard with a book, cigar, and said exotic treat. He and I both know that "one" leads directly to blacked out. It may not be that day, but within a week he will be right back at it which it is so scary considering my hopes and dreams are so fragile right now. He understands that I am really putting my heart on the line by staying, he also understands that the rest of his life is on the line along with my heart.

Everything is on the up and up at the moment. His attitude about all of this is refreshing. He is finally doing it for himself. Lets see what happens.

I am glad for your sake to hear this and hope fervently it continues.
What prompted the turnaround?

Today was 90 days and he is still sober. If I hadn't put a link on my browser to ever having written any of this I would have forgotten entirely. I am forgetful (or forgiving) and this time maybe that's a good thing for a change. He has definitely made it easy to at least not think about it.

Our relationship had deteriorated to a point where I was Mom to his two children and an out of control teenager (him). I think the turn around was that I gave up on him. I let my heart go icy cold. I gave up on fighting his training. I treated him exactly how he has trained me to treat him, with distrust and animosity. I neither hid nor revealed anything and I volunteered not a single word because talking to him had never helped. Only when he asked did I speak and what I spoke was brutally honest and emotionless. Exactly how I felt, just nothing anymore. I was fully prepared to leave him forever and I didn't care if he realized it or not. I told him that I need three months to get my affairs in order and he will give that to me because he owes me, period. I told him in the mean time your finances are your problems now. I will no longer police your spending so if your kids go hungry then you are to blame. However, I will be eating, I can take care of myself. Its you and your children that will go hungry and all three of you can sit at the table watching me eat. I don't care. Get your paychecks sent to your account tomorrow, as in tomorrow, drop what ever crap you think is important and get your ass to the bank otherwise your paychecks become my paychecks and I will not be sharing just as you haven't been sharing with me. I told him to make preparations for his children to be taken in by their mother, grandparents, someone, I don't care who because I am leaving and if you haven't gotten a plan together when I do walk away from this hell hole in three months then they will eventually be taken away from you by force. And get this done quick because as of this very second I refuse to wash dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, or anything else that I really don't have to do because there is no longer anything that I feel I have to do for you or yours anymore. Then I told him that I will not look after his kids anymore either. If you think you are going to leave them with me, I will make a point in getting me out of the house at my convenience, and they will be here alone, scared, and crying. I don't care anymore. I refuse to watch them. Take them to work if you have to. You benefiting from me and my parents is over. This was in the summer so the kids were home all day and he took them to work that day, just like I have taken them to work everyday for the last three years. I work in my families business so taking them to work was a pain in the ass but manageable. That day he realized that you only get 1/4 of the work done when the kids are around and you feel like punching babies at the end of the day. He begged for another chance. I told him how many chances do you need? The last three years were nothing but chances and you failed, you crashed and now you are burning and I wouldn't stop to piss on you because it would help you. How many accidents does a person have before they can be labeled as just not giving a sh**? How many times can a person say "I didn't know" before they can be labeled as a complete f**king retard? You have given me nothing but words, words are cheap, and cheapen even more when coming from your mouth. He begged me to tell him what to do to fix things. I told him that I have been telling him what to do for three years, you refused all of it. Dig deep into the crap pile that is left of your brain. I am sure you can come up with a million ideas if you just tried. I told him that there are three months before I leave. Prove to me, show me, make it a possibility for me to stay. Make me want to stay but in the mean time I am preparing to get out of dodge because I don't think you can do it. In fact, I know you can't do it. I do not believe in you anymore. And I meant it right to the center of my icy heart. I felt nothing but the weight of myself burdening me which was many tons lighter than what I had been carrying. This made me happy and he saw that. He saw that I was happy because there was a light at the end of my tunnel now.

Ok, shake it off. Getting all worked up here. He has turned everything around and is maintaining. All he has done is quit drinking and everything else fell into place. He has a better memory, he has more energy, he has more time, his mood is more consistent, he smiles, we are paying off our debt which has gone faster than we predicted, saving money, and will soon be able to splurge every now and then. There has been all of this improvement with just one life change (one really hard life change) and he knows it because he is living it and frequently comments that it was the drinking. He still has urges but the frequency has been decreasing. He knows that he has ruined himself with alcohol as in once he has been ruined he can not go back. I love him more now than when I married him. If he falls off the wagon? I don't know. We will deal with that when it happens.