SHOP PRODUCTS
Houzz Logo Print
imamommy

Deadbeat moms (cont.)

imamommy
15 years ago

Well, I was going to post to the old deadbeat mom thread, but it was quite long, so starting a new one.

My SD's BM was finally ordered to pay support beginning in April. This was after three court hearings where she tried to delay it and finally, she failed to show up and the court gave HER the benefit of doubt, used the income she had 'declared' but with no proof. It came out to less than minimum wage so her order was $216 a month.

Well, She hasn't paid a penny. DH gave all the case over to DCSS to collect. They opened the case and DH sent an email to them via their website to ask the status. Well, yesterday, DH got a call from DCSS. They told him that they had called BM and she told them she was going to get some money to make a payment. Then, he goes online and looks at the email he sent and their response is quite different. This is what the notes say:

"SPOKE W/ NP AND HAS NO INCOME. DOES NOT WANT TO WORK BECAUSE FIANCEE HAS $ AND SHE GETS TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM. TOLD HER THAT ISN'T HOW IT WORKS. SHE WILL SUBMIT HER PAPERWORK TO SEE IF WE CAN LOWER C/S."

Unfreakin' believable!!! She hasn't paid a red cent and she wants to lower it (it's already using less than minimum wage) and thinks she is a 'stay at home mom'???? Don't you have to have a child living with you to be a stay at home mom????? All I can do is laugh and shake my head. We definitely are NOT surprised and we know better than to count on receiving anything. I just can't believe the nerve of some people. (meanwhile, DH and I have been working all summer and I'm the one that ends up buying her school clothes and supplies. DH told BM to please send her back in something she can wear to school on Friday, and of course she had nothing appropriate. She sent her back in a short denim mini skirt with holes and frayed edges... against the school dress code, not to mention it doesn't fit her)

I hope she submits her paperwork and they recalculate it using minimum wage or more. She's certified to work as an EMT and has no kids living with her. It would be funny to see it go UP!!! JEEEZ.

When DH mentioned SD's weight last weekend, she told him "I don't know why she's gaining weight, we go to the pool everyday." Must be nice!!!

Comments (26)

  • lovehadley
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Oh my!

    I can't believe she hasn't paid a dime, and she's actually trying to LOWER her child support. If she is certified as an EMT, shouldn't her income be calculated as what she is CAPABLE of earning? Minimum wage--what a bunch of you know what!

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    We tried to make her bring proof of her income and she lied to the court during the first two hearings. He (the Judge) continued it so she can bring proof and then she didn't show up for the hearing so he just used what she put on her income & expense declaration, which was $1200 a month. Minimum wage would be $1300 a month.

    I'm not surprised she wants to lower it, when she was served with the papers, she called DH and told him she 'just' got laid off and isn't working so he might want to rethink this. He ignored her and then she had a friend of hers, call our attorney (she also sent her a letter) saying she 'represents' BM and wanted a continuance. Our attorney said no, so she filed her response two or three days before court. She didn't respond to his request for child support except to say that she should have custody because I am abusing her daughter and my husband lets me abuse his daughter. She said that if DH gave her custody, she would 'forego' child support. She did admit that she is EMT certified so we brought proof that there was an EMT opening for an ambulance company in the town she lives in and brought proof that she can earn between $14-20 an hour as an EMT. The court would not use our proof since she was not in court to dispute it. That's what I mean when the court gave her the benefit of the doubt. The court gave her a GIFT by using $1200 and she wants to try to go back to get it lowered??? (She was also ordered to pay $1,000 to our attorney as a penalty for filing an incomplete income declaration and for failing to show for the last hearing. She hasn't paid anything on that either)

    We didn't even get it in the order for her to pay half of the bus fee for SD's school. It's $155 a year I think. I have to double check but it's around that much. Her lunches are $2.50 a day but I end up packing her a lunch. BM's only expense is picking up SD for her weekends and she's only done that one time since February. She sends her mom to do it for her. (Her mom is also raising her older daughter, whom she gets child support for)

  • Related Discussions

    Deadbeat Grandparents?

    Q

    Comments (22)
    The only grandparent I have that’s still alive is my dad’s mother but I don’t have any grandparents. I’m 22 years old. My mother’s father was coward who killed himself when my mom was 3. And she was forced to grow up without her father. And her mother did a horrible job raising her. But my mother is a wonderful woman. She never left me or my siblings in times of need and raised us to be mature responsible adults. And she is a hard worker. Her mother was there for a little of our life and abandoned us when I was really young. Not even 10...that had to be hard for my mom to fill the void. My father’s side was great until my aunt was born. His father died when I was 2, my brother was 6, and when my sister was 8. My dad was only 27 at the time, but he is a great man. He worked hard for decades to provide for 3 kids, and a wife. He was never afraid to be the bad guy if that’s what it took to teach us what we needed to know. And he never stops showing us love when we need him. I’ve had the best parents I could’ve ever had or asked for. But my father’s mother is the worst. She was never there for me or my brother and never even met my sister. I invited her to my graduation party (only because mom told me to) she said she was gonna come and she lied. Not even a congratulations card. I finally told her I was done. I gave her another chance after her mother died but I didn’t even get a half a try. She never called, never asked if I was doing alright in this time of the coronavirus. So I finally deleted her number. she doesn’t deserve to be part of the life a man who’s engaged and has a double bachelor’s. Or a man who is working on a music career. Sometimes I wish I could spit in her face. She is not grandmother of mine, or my siblings. And never told her own son that she was proud of him. That has to hurt my father to the core, maybe that’s partially why he’s such a hard worker, because his efforts were never enough. Not to his own mother anyway.
    ...See More

    The single mom and the deadbeat dad

    Q

    Comments (13)
    ur welcome... tuff to do, but hang in there. The group therapy might help. If Dad isn't contacting your child, that might be a good thing in having an ability to keep the disappointments to a minimum. Don't make promises for him - keep things on a "last-minute" basis -even though you know about it. It will be a good surprise if it comes to fruition. Sooner or later, your child will realize the truth and make decisions on where his love comes from. Just prepare yourself for backlash on that one. The anger may come out in all ways - even blaming you. Just remain close to your chile and it will probably be OK. I was never angry with my Mom. But the chaos paralyzed my success. I'm OK, and always have been, but I know that home would have been more settled without the worry and frustration, and anger. BUT, there are wonderful stories out there - kids are resilient. Many times they try harder to equalize their situation. Your child has YOU to help get through this. You have to deal with your hurt and pain - that's the most important thing. As stargazzer said, it may be something you have to swallow so you can emotionally move away from the situationon. You can't worry about what you can't control. You have a lot you can control - the love in your home for one. We all have a cross or two and I really believe you can carry this one with that love. Just think of it as one huge vitamin pill - LOL!! You will feel great at the end of the day.
    ...See More

    deadbeat moms

    Q

    Comments (99)
    My ex pays for flights because he would never SEE his children if he had to pay. She chose to quit a job and go to school part-time and work very little. I understand that it is HARD for a family of 3 on 28K, but my point was that is was her choice to be poor. That is why I labelled her a "deadbeat". My BF's lawyer put in the agreement that the EX would pay for flights PROPORTIONAL to their incomes once she obtains a FULL-TIME job (and beleive me I think they haggled for a year to even get that included in the divorce). Unfortunately that was many years ago and she still hasn't gotten one. As for the amount paid - all I can say is that if the 2 children were living with him, and not only did he not have to PAY out 800/month, but RECEIVED 800/month (a spread of 1600 which is another thing most people don't think about) and she paid 1/2 the extra 356 in expenses and paid for 1/2 their flights, I am sure it would feel like he won the lottery (both emotionally and finacially). If she made even 40,000/year (which is less than she made in the job she quit), she would have at least 52,000 after tax dollars. The point I was trying to make was by choosing to make herself and her children poor, she is also contributing to making my BF poor. If she worked harder and shared in expenses or paid for flights, that would make a big difference in all 4 of their lives.
    ...See More

    Deadbeat Mom, they get away with it!

    Q

    Comments (6)
    I also think it's terrible the way the courts go after the dad's with a vengence and dont do anything to the moms! For the past 10 years,if my husband's child support payment was so much as a week late,he was sent a letter saying his liscense would be suspended. Yet,when his ex whom he paid child support to committed fraud because their child didnt even live with her,yet she continued to collect money,all they did was close the case! If that had been him,they would have probably arrested him. And may I just add,suspending the man's lisecnse is the STUPIDEST thing they can do when if the man has no liscense and cant get to work,how do they expect them to even pay the support??? The ones who are thousands in arrears usually dont even have a lisecnse or flee so it doesnt effect them~only the hard working guys whose payment may have been late because of a holiday or something. I'm so glad my husband's children just turned 18,because Social services is a joke and does all they can to ruin your lives.I cant count how many times they've messed up my husband's account and he's had to take off work and go down there to straighten it out. The people that work there are so retarded.Once they even mis took him for another man with the same name!!! brandonb50~ get a paternity test as soon as possible! And if you are found not to be father,sue that woman for all she made you pay!!!
    ...See More
  • fiveinall
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I am surprised DCSE hasn't taken further action..they can do more than just talk/call her and tell her to pay....
    In my state once you are 90 days behind they start collection proceedings.....
    On our end BM is 6 mos behind on her CS payments for SD..They have taken the following action against her:
    Tax Intercept, put a collection on credit report, Drivers license suspension notice (gave her 30 days to pay or they will suspend license)....
    I would call DCSE back and ask about their collection process..how long before they can take legal action etc....my thought is you approaching at least 90 days where they can take further action..guess it would depend on your state though......
    Of course taking action doesn't mean they will actually pay it.......

  • finedreams
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    she just does not want to pay. She will probably say that SD was with her the whole summer so she did not have to pay (which is actually true) and maybe your DH owes her money since kid lived wiht mom. Now instead of resuming CS she will probably argue over the money he owes her.

  • pseudo_mom
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My SC's mom is ordered to pay has not made an official payment since june 27... before that was March, just enough to keep them off her back till they go back to court August 26th. Mom is not working by choice. Bf supports her as well. (must be in the NCMom handbook) But hubby did get her federal income taxes... but mom went and filed with the court house for custody of SD9 ... so we know where this is going...:)

    Have your hubby call weekly on a Tuesday ... they process everything on fridays usually

    If BM doesn't make a payment by Aug 26th her licenses will be suspended ... then she won't be able to pick up the kids ... (is this her plan? who knows) but they cancel everything in mass. except insurance. Drivers license, professional licenses(Mom is a real estate broker), any certifications and automobile registrations. In order to keep current she will have to pay a full months CS plus 25% of arrears...she owes over $3000 in back support.

    Mom was ordered to pay starting in Feb of 2005... hubby received his first payment in January 2007....she owed almost $10,000 at that point she was going to be put on the "most wanted list" if she didn't start making payments. It takes a while but they will get around to it.

    Next time you go to court have DOR take it directly out of her alimony check she gets .... and have all the extras you pay bus fees etc. added onto the support. In Mass.. your CS payments are reported to the credit bureaus every month... :) she flipped because she can't get any credit because she didn't pay her CS for so long... (doesn't help she filed personal and professional bankruptcies).

  • kathline
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Its absolutely disgusting the way that people just simply decide that its unfair that they have to pay support, and refuse to do it, even after being ordered to by the court.

    Its not much comfort right now, but anything that the woman acquires in the future will be taken to pay her support obligation. She wont ever be able to own anything, she wont get any tax refunds, she wont be able to acquire property. I am sure her live in will get fed up with having anything they purchase jointly, attached because she doesnt pay a measly 260 a month.

    The chances of her getting a reduction are pretty well non existant, since, in order to modify child support, there has to be either three years gone by, or a change in circumstances. Neither of those are the case.

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    They told DH that they cannot take it out of her spousal support. I'm going to look up the law on that today so he can send it to them if they are wrong. They basically told him that she's not working so there isn't much they can do, they can't take her spousal support. (of course I think they are wrong and I will prove it)

    She cannot say that SD was with her all summer and that DH owes her because when they calculate child support, they account for the time split for the entire year. They have already given her credit for the time she has SD during summer. (I thought she would have argued that at the hearing in May since it was on the last day of school and she was getting SD for summer. Instead, she didn't even show up) In fact, they gave her credit for all the time she is supposed to have SD, whether she exercises it or not. If they used the actual time she had SD last year, she'd have to pay more because she canceled several times, cut weekends short, got her a day late, etc.

    I like the license idea. But, she'd blame us for not being able to get SD. Then SD gets mad at me. (She doesn't get mad at DH because BM tells her that I am behind what DH is doing so it becomes MY fault) Today was the first day of school. SD called her mom twice last night to beg her to come. BM first told her maybe, if she can. Then, BM told her on the second call that she can't come because she has to go to a job interview at Petco. Instead of the truth, which I assume would be saying that it's too far (3 hours) to drive to spend fifteen minutes at the school on a Wednesday morning, she makes it about DH making her get a job so SD was pissy this morning. So, I tried to cheer her up by wrapping her friends birthday gift so she can give it to her today. She was happy about that. Of course, just as we are leaving out the door, BM calls again. SD gets even more upset. I have no idea what was said, but what could have been an exciting happy morning turned miserable. It turned around a little when she found out her best friend is in her class. SD has been upset because all of last year, her mom told her she was moving to moms and going to school there and now she blames me for 'making' DH say no.

  • pseudo_mom
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I don't care if she never pays another dime just do right by your kids. She tells them everything holds nothing back right or wrong she tells them everything....

    So pissed off at themselves they tell their kids everything ... sets them up for disappointment.

    Mass has put a "flag" on her social security number... so lets say she wins $1,000 on a scratch ticket ....when she goes to cash it in ... DOR will put a hold on it ... they will take it from her ... and send it to hubby.

    If she deposits any more than $500 from a "non-payroll source" into her bank account DOR takes it.

    Every month that she doesn't make a full payment... they charge her interest too :).

    Mass is very aggressive when it comes to support. Once DOR gets involved there is no getting out of it.

    This is how it reads on the DOR page.

    Support Owed to Parent $3,431.50
    Support Owed to Commonwealth $0.00
    Interest Owed to Parent* $395.99
    Interest Owed to Commonwealth*

    On 7/6/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 6/8/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 5/11/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 4/13/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 3/9/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 2/10/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 2/8/2008, Income withholding order sent to employer
    On 1/6/2008, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 12/9/2007, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 11/4/2007, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau
    On 10/7/2007, Parent's payment history reported to credit bureau

    On 1/8/08 she started working at Dunkin Donuts so on 2/8/08 DOR sent a letter to her D&D stating how much is to be deducted from her paychcheck.
    DOR gives the employer 4 weeks to start deducting the payments she quit 2 weeks later.

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    DH won't hold his breath for collecting. We aren't going back to court unless SHE files. We've spent several thousand dollars to get the orders he has. (custody & support) We are DONE.

    Kathline, She has not worked in 12 years (except a couple of months here and there). She claims to be a nursing student for the last 11 years she has been working on her AA degree. She cannot get a bank account because she is in ChexSystem for writing bad checks and screwing up every account she has ever had. No chance to levy her bank account that she'll never get. (at least for seven years) She has no credit to buy anything. (I even found a lawsuit from a creditor where she got credit using DH's last name and defaulted, even though they were never married, so we had to make sure it didn't affect HIS great credit) She bought a new truck in 2006 and it's financed in her mom's name. She has bad credit and without a job and/or paying her bills, she will never get good credit. She does work a few months a year, just so she has a little bit of income so she can claim the earned income credit on her taxes. She uses her older daughter to qualify (and she may even be using SD as a qualifying child, even though DH claims her as a dependent. She may still be able to claim her as a qualifying child since DH doesn't get EIC as our income is too high) So, she gets a few thousand back for EIC that will be intercepted next year.

    It was my understanding in May, when we found out they were having a moving sale and 'EVERYTHING MUST GO', they couldn't afford to stay in the house where her BF was paying $700 a month. So, they sold his boat (and had a few yard sales) to get money to move. They rented a bigger house that is $1600 a month and BM was supposed to get a job to help pay for it. That was in June. Here we are in August and she hasn't worked (probably telling him she has her kids for summer) so it's a good assumption that he's getting fed up with paying for everything and while he is telling her she needs to get a job, she is telling DCSS that she doesn't want to work because her fiancee has money and allows her to be a SAHM. I wonder what he'd say about THAT???

    It just burns me up a little that she blames everything on ME. When she ends up evicted from their house, I'm sure she will say it's because we (meaning I am making DH) are making her pay child support. SD doesn't understand that the new bigger house costs twice as much as the old one and that even if she didn't have to pay support, she'd still have to get a job and help BF pay for it.

    Ha, should DH tell her the truth??

  • finedreams
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    it must be nice to never work and be supported by guys. ha. she is not even married, why is everybody supporting her? i already asked that question before but it just pisses me off! is she like a trophy girl or what? i guess we aren't ugly either but nobody supports us. i work full time and have decent salary and still am in a lot of debt and cannot afford much. i started a part time couple of hours a week just to be able to pay my student loan back. i can't believe this. how do people make it not working or working odd or not professional jobs is beyond me. food and gas are so expensive. i can barely afford driving to work. how can she afford gas not having any income????///!!!

  • fiveinall
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The part that really bugs me is that we cannot just stop feeding, clothing school supplies etc..because dead beat mom or dad wont pay support.....We suck it up get second jobs,tighten our budget etc....to make sure our kids are taken care of....I think they are way too easy on them I think if you miss a payment than there should be stronger consequences immediately.....I know that if I stopped feeding and taking care of SD SServices wouldn't wait 3 or 6 mos to see if I "decided" to straighten up and feed my kid KWIM??? I wonder if deadbeat Moms or Dads wonder if their kid is eating or not? Our Dead beat Mom has cell phone,car, and apparently money to party....but not take care of her child....blows my mind!!!!!!!!!!

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    lol, on top of everything, she complains about what I feed her daughter.

    I just got her packet from school, the cost for her to ride the bus is $195 and I have to write the check tonight. DH won't get paid for another week and since he's paid by commissions, he may not even have enough to pay all his bills and he was talking about getting a second job. Of course, then he would not have time to spend with SD. Since BM won't pay for anything, the options are for him to get a job on the weekends (since SD is with her mom) or I pay for whatever he falls short on, which is what I've done for the last year. Fortunately for me, I am now getting some back child support for my kids that are grown and my business gives me the flexibility to be home when SD gets home, otherwise he'd have to pay daycare and I know he'd definitely have to get a job to pay for that.

    My step-daughter's mom has a brand new truck (2007 Silverado she bought with 0 miles in 2006), cell phones (she has an iphone) for her and her older daughter, she smokes, goes to concerts, bought brand new quad ATV's (and all new coordinating gear) for herself and all the kids last Christmas and says she spent just about every day this summer at the pool. Oh yeah, and she eats out daily, she doesn't know how to cook and they live on fast food. (and she too likes to party)

  • finedreams
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    once again where is the money coming from? Does BF make that much? i cannot afford a new car and I have a GOOD salary. do people know some tricks? You and your DH have to think twice where to get 200 to pay for school bus, and she is buying all this stuff. you both work and still scrambling (like all of us). where does she get the money?

  • finedreams
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    oh it just occured to me. maybe she works just being paid cash, you know under the table. you cannot collect CS from that but she is getting paid so she can buy bunch of stuff. you know like people who get free lunches for their kids but realy making 3-digit numbers every year and live in mansions? ha. maybe you shoudl expole that possibility. works but hides the income.

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Finedreams... her income is child support she gets for her older daughter that lives with grandma. Grandma is supporting that child and BM keeps the child support. On top of that, BM gets spousal support from her husband (she hasn't finalized the divorce, probably because she will lose the spousal support) He's been paying her for over 12 years and they were only married (living together) 11 months.

    Her BF lost his job of 14 years last summer and cashed out his 401k (about 105k) and got 50k from the sale of his house with his exwife. He used some of the money to buy into a business partnership but isn't doing well. He was thinking about getting a second job last Christmas time because he was hurting for money. I don't know how, but he and BM went out and bought all the kids and themselves new quad ATV's (at 2-5k each) plus all the gear, which can be several hundred dollars each. They did this when he's already thinking he needs another job. Two or three months later, the motorcycle he bought before he met BM was repo'd. Three months after that, they had to sell his only asset (his boat) and move. When that money runs out, if it hasn't already, they will likely be evicted. I'm only wondering how much more he can take before he throws in the towel and sees that she isn't going to get off her butt to help him out, she won't even pay for ANYTHING for her own children!!!

    Maybe she does some babysitting work but I seriously doubt it. She is not likely working. Her BF's ex told me that her BF has been stressed out over money and sounds frustrated when he told her that BM was supposed to get a job soon. That was two months ago.

  • gajopa
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Do deadbeat's not get put in jail for not paying child support any more? My children's dad didn't want to pay child support either but he knew I would have him put in jail if he didn't.

  • doodleboo
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Gajopa-

    They are SUPPOSED To get put in jail. I know a few dead beat dads who have been but for whatever reason the dead beat mom's manage to slip through the cracks.

  • finedreams
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    doodleboo, ima's 3 kids all have deadbeat fathers and none is in jail (for beign deadbeats, maybe they were for some other stuff). maybe they pay something now but it is after the kids are grown. not only moms but dads too manage to escape responsibilities in our society. nice

  • kathline
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think in ima's case, putting the bm in jail for not paying support, would cause incredible problems, psuedo's case too. The moms in those instances, even though they are refusing to pay support, are also still seeing their kids.

    Both psuedo and ima have a semi strained relationship with their stepdaughter. The strain is almost always caused at times that the bm stirs up complaining in the presence of the child.

    Can you imagine how ima's SD or psuedo's SD would react to their mom going to jai for support issues? just picture what BM would tell the kid - I am going to JAIL because your daddy is making me. They would get the kid totally on their side, because they dont mind ignoring their own culpability.

    And that would make ima's problems with SD and psuedo's problems with SD so much worse.

    So while they DO belong in jail, putting them in jail may not help the situation at all.

  • pseudo_mom
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My SD's mom used to tell the kids ... I hope daddy lets you visit me in jail.. she would call hubby and ask him ... are you going to bring the kids to visit me in jail.

    We spoke with a lawyer yesterday... SD is going through some major stuff right now .... Hubby said to the lawyer I know my daughter being with her mother is not good for her but it would be detrimental to her if I told her she couldn't see or talk to her mother ... lawyer said ... well thats great you're taking the high road hubby said the air is getting thin up here though.

    He also told the lawyer that someone needs to speak with BM about what she talks about with the kids because she (meaning me) will no longer be on the high road. And he is right ... the next time one of her children tell me I am the reason their parents are divorced ... they are going to get an earful.

    If the children berate me using words I know came from their mother I am not holding my tongue any longer...

    Its harsh but BM put me in this state of mind I am done playing nice. Its been 3 weeks since I decided this was my way of dealing with things from now on so far so good her children haven't been out of line.

    examples:
    my mother pays support to you need to buy me what I want!!!
    answer...
    before... No daddys uses support to buy what you need. Now..she hasn't paid since april.

    You're the reason my parents are divorced!!
    Answers:
    Before.. thats not true.
    Now...really why don't you ask K___ and mommy about that.

    Just days before my big decision I had to hear both of those phrases ...

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I totally agree Kathline. My SD's mom does not blame my husband, she tells SD (and everyone who will listen) that DH is the nicest guy and would NEVER do any of this if I wasn't making him.

    In a way, she's right. DH is mild mannered and let things go and when we got together, BM would do things to mess with our life. She would find out we have plans for a weekend she has her daughter and call him at the last minute saying she can't keep her, can he take her PLEASE? He has never said no, so our plans would get ruined. I'd rearrange the weekend to include their daughter and when she'd go back and tell her mom we had fun, her mom would call and yell at DH that she doesn't want me to do this or that with her daughter, she is the mom, I am not. He would get all stressed out over her ranting phone calls and it caused tension between us. I was trying to be accommodating to BM when she had him keep SD on her weekends, but I think her plan was for us to have conflict over her daughter ruining our plans. Our conflict was over BM's ranting phone calls after every weekend. He was getting frustrated because she had never been that bad before but when SD spent time (and enjoyed it) with me, BM went off the deep end. So, it was DH's complaints to me that prompted me to help him take the necessary steps to get his legal rights to his daughter and that meant the court process, so yes, I supported him 125% and helped pay for it and BM is right that if I was not around, he probably would never have done all this. But, if I were not around, would BM have made his life so miserable that he felt he had to do something? Her reaction to our relationship is what started it all and her plan to run me off, using her daughter as part of it, did not work. She either doesn't realize it or want to admit it to herself, that DH does what he wants to do. I can't 'force' him to go to court. I can't get him to take a day off from work for very much, he only took three days off for our honeymoon. But, he takes time off for court (for his daughter) and school things with no problem. (well, he does worry about losing too much time from work because he's on commission when BM doesn't show up for court or continues it, that annoys him)

    But, back to the point, BM blames the whole thing on me. My relationship is somewhat strained because her mom discusses everything with her (and in pseudo's case as well) but I have been thinking about taking some of TOS's advice, 'kids have the right to know the truth.'

    I know that if they do anything to BM, she will blame it on me. She already told SD that she can't come to her school because she HAS to go to a job interview. So, it is our fault she can't come to the school because if she didn't have to pay child support, she wouldn't have to go to a job interview and this is how she presents it to her daughter. So, should she be told the truth? Her mom needs to work to help BF pay for their house. Her mom and dad are responsible for buying her stuff, not me. If I don't buy it and mom isn't working, it means dad has to get another job and can't spend much time with her. or how about 'grown ups are supposed to work'.

    If she loses her license and blames me for not being able to see her daughter (which she will). Same if she goes to jail. She already has bad credit but she will certainly blame me for giving her bad credit. She already tells her it's my fault they have no money, she can't buy her things because I made daddy take her to court blah blah blah

    The way I see it, it doesn't matter what, she is going to blame me regardless. I don't think a parent should be allowed to get away with something because they are manipulative and place blame or responsibility for everything on everyone else. Maybe my husband should tell her that he'd be in jail if he didn't feed and clothe her. Maybe if she were in jail, SD would be upset about it but BM wouldn't be feeding her all the lies because she wouldn't have the opportunity.

    I don't want to see parents in jail for not supporting their kids, I'd like to see parents having pride in supporting their kids. and yes, my son's father has been in jail a few times and while most were for other reasons, he has been to jail at least once for non payment. He hasn't filed taxes in over 20 years and can't get a drivers license. (I think he has gone to jail for driving without a license and when he was arrested for no license, they found other things to charge him with) My daughter's father hasn't had a license so he also may have been arrested. I know he was in jail last year, but I don't know why. His daughter told my daughter on myspace that he was in jail but wouldn't say why but was angry at my daughter so I assume it might have to do with child support. I haven't been contacted but did start getting some payments soon after that. He's in another state and I haven't looked into what is being done to collect. My middle son's father wasn't adjudicated as the father until after he was 18. He owes back support and has paid it on time, in full every month.

    I think the bottom line is that if nobody complains about the non payment of support, then there are too many cases to go after every deadbeat, mom or dad. I do see mom's getting more sympathy in the courtroom than dad's, but I think if nobody complains in the first place, there would be no action taken against mom or dad. I've seen the Judge rip a dad apart for losing his job and not finding some way to pay, but with mom's they are more sympathetic. I think if my husband had lied about his income and refused to bring proof and BM said it was more, the court would have taken her word and used the higher income. I see there is less bias than there used to be, but some still exists.

  • kat007
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm relieved to know that other people have problems with this, but in our case, the whore isn't even required to pay child support. She dropped him off with daddy one day when he was 2 and disappeared, hopping from state to state consumed with using men and drugs. Father has "custodial" parent custody and he pays for EVERYTHING- he even had to pay BIRTHING COSTS! She sees child -who is already developing mental problems (-manipulation,temper...) maybe once or twice a year, doesn't even know his birthday without being told, and fills his head with crazy things when she picks him up. The last time, he came back un-diaper trained and moody. She's with a different guy everytime she shows up and child still believes he's getting a "brother" his age and he's going to Disney World. After that, it was decided that she would only be able to see him super-vised at her father's house and she wouldn't be taking him overnight. Somewhere along the line, that dissolved and she took him for 3 days recently. Like the stereotypical deadbeat dad, she sends useless gifts (a huge tin full of candy?!) and even rang the doorbell on Father's Day to drop off a card and balloon while we were sleeping. Child rarely wants to talk to her when her father guilts her into calling when he's over by grandparents. Last year she took him to see Santa and disappeared again signing the picture with her number and "call mommy if you ever need anything, she's never far away" which is funny because she has no address, no permanent number, and has lived in most of the southern states. She comes around wanting to pick him up whenever she needs reassurance that she's not a useless waste of life. Child is 4 1/2 and doesn't understand anything. She disappears with him, doesn't use a car seat, lets him do whatever he wants, including eat candy instead of food. Over the summer, he came back unfed (because he was "playing") and dressed in the same clothes he left in all rumpled.
    She is completely a psycho in her own world and the damage after she sees him takes days to undo. She is currently out on bail after an assault in the south and will disappear again soon.
    The huge problem dealing with this is that the courts are biased and if we try for full custody or super-vised visits, she will likely try to take him and disappear. The courts lean towards the birth mom, so we're afraid to go to court.
    She's too selfish to sign over her "parental" rights. What can we do legally? She needs to be out of his life so that he has a chance at developing normally without her lies and false promises. His school recommended a therapist because he apparently tells stories in school and can't distinguish between reality and fiction. He isn't sad when people & animals die, and honestly he never describes his emotions as sad. Everything is angry, angry, angry. He pits grandparents,teachers,everyone against each other to get what he wants whether it be snacks,toys,drama...
    He scares us sometimes and it seems like he'll never have the stability he needs.
    She is the worst kind of deadbeat because while she doesn't want the child, she wants claim on him. I WISH she would disappear and never come back and refuse to pay child support because we don't need her money and we don't need her manipulation.

  • cindy_pond
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    with everything you've written about this "mom"..why are you afraid to go to court? out on bail, No car seat, using drugs, sleeping around...no contest I think...CPS should be notified and you guys really need to get back to court with all of this documented. The sooner the better for that poor child.

  • fiveinall
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    as you can see there are plenty of dads out there who have full custody of their child with Birthmom just having visitation. Yes court is scary but to me the thought of my kid being exposed to bad things or harmed is much worse. Just document, document and document and if all you have written is true no court in their right mind would give this child to her.....and for goodness sake file for child support...If you dont have it court ordered then you really cant complain that she doesnt support him. I am a bit confused about how old this child is? I would be making an appointment pronto for therapy.....as a full time step mom (DH has full legal and physical custody) with a birthmom that has rarely been in the picture (and current day hasnt seen her daughter in a year plus) I can tell you that some of his behavior sounds "normal" for a child in his situation...but some of it does not....the kiddo NEEDS couseling and its your husbands job to provide it since BM isnt interested/willing whatever the reason!
    Good luck!

  • imamommy
    Original Author
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well, I originally started this thread in August and here we are in January... BM still has not paid a penny of her support. She got a job in November but of course, kept it a secret as long as she could. The holidays came and went, she offered nothing at all.

    In November, DH stopped letting BM send her mom to get SD because they (BM, GM, & SD) conspired to keep it a secret from dad that BM would not get SD and GM took SD to cut her hair off after DH told her no. He also reminded her she owes on medical bills and told her if they aren't paid, he is filing contempt charges. Of course, she offered to pay a little ($100) if her mom can continue to get SD but he said no. She never paid the $100 and pitched a fit every week until Winter break.

    Then, following Winter break he finally filed the contempt charges. She was served and of course, discussed it with SD (telling her that DH & I served her with papers) and then sent me a text message that she is filing charges of harassment and extortion against us because of all the emails DH sent to her. (They were to tell her to pay her bills and that GM cannot pick up SD for her) By the time she told me that, I was a bit irritated and told her fine, if she is going to file against DH, just let me know & I will serve him for her, free of charge.... after all, we'd rather her spend her money on her support than a process server! Well, her charges against DH (or us) never materialized.. big surprise there !! Then, she decides to pay the medical bills.. of course she disputed $5.00 so she shorted him that. She didn't pay the attorney's fees at all, telling him she has an arrangement with our attorney to make payments. He tells her she can explain her arrangements to the Judge.

    The court date is Thursday, Jan 22. On Monday, she sends DH a text asking if they can reschedule the hearing because she is starting a new job.... Then, when I go to pick up SD, she comes outside to chat... tells me what a cute doggy I have (my DD's Shitzu was with me) and schmoozing with me. Then, 'oh yeah.. did DH get my text?'... I tell her I don't know, haven't talked to him... he's at work. She says, 'well, I am starting a new job tomorrow and they only have this week to train me.. blah blah blah.. can he reschedule the hearing?' So, I tell her I don't know. She can call the court and try to get it rescheduled herself. It's a contempt case and I don't know what the Judge will do, he's already set the hearing and DH will be there. I leave.

    Next day, she calls DH and again asks to reschedule it. He tells her no, she can call the court but he plans to be there. Her last text to DH said 'you should be happy I am now working and can now pay support'. I imagine if she attends the hearing, she will be blaming him and the court hearing for 'losing' her job (that probably doesn't even exist). If she blows off the hearing, it's likely to get a warrant issued. DH thinks she'll blow off the hearing..

    Oh yeah... the best part! She asked DH if she could send her mother to the hearing in her place!!!! (GM is mother by proxy now?)

  • lovehadley
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "not only moms but dads too manage to escape responsibilities in our society. nice"

    Ummm, yeah, this is true. My DD's father was ordered to pay 50.00 (yes, you read that right, $50.00!) a month in child support. I have gotten 1 payment...maybe two? I can't remember? I got a check from DSS for $37.50 one time...WOOHOO. I think I did get another check for some random amount like that a couple years ago, too.

    But this order was put in place in June of 2004 and here it is 2009 and that's all I've ever gotten. Granted, it's a JOKE at $50 anyway, but it does add up and he owes almost $3000 now.

    He's not in jail!

    I have filed a wage garnishment and also a tax intercept. But he's not in jail and he's not filed his taxes in three years---WHY he's not in jail for THAT, I don't know!

    It is a little more difficult to enforce b/c the order is in one state but LOSER lives in another state.

    I also haven't pushed it as hard as I would have if it were a large amount. But everything I've read says it is considered felony non-support once the amount goes over $5000 OR they miss more than 6 payments in a calendar year.

Sponsored
Michael Nash Design, Build & Homes
Average rating: 4.9 out of 5 stars254 Reviews
Northern Virginia Design Build Firm | 18x Best of Houzz