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BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Posted by skckxy (My Page) on
Mon, Aug 8, 11 at 17:22

So my boyfriend called to speak with his daughter on Tuesday night, only to find out from BM's sister that mom came with her boyfriend and took all of their things and aren't coming back. Now, this worries me and worries my BF obviously. Mom never speaks with him about anything to do with their daughter... and now she just took her and left? She has been telling my BF that she someday will be moving to another state and getting married to her boyfriend but she never gives any details. Now we find out through the grapevine that it has already happened. She seems to think that their daughter doesn't need her father. She even has her daughter calling this guy daddy.

My boyfriend is the most caring, loving father and is much more responsible with his daughter than her mother. If you read my last post about my *SD* not liking me, I explained some of BM's behavior in that post. Her deciding to stay at the beach for a week and leaving her daughter with her parents without so much as a word to anyone letting them know what is going on. Never receiving her daughter when we drop her off on weekends... barely even seeing her daughter all week apart from dropping her off at school, and leaving her daughter with friends or family but without asking if they want to babysit. She just leaves, even during the week when her daughter has school and nobody to bring her.

She didn't even enroll her daughter in school... she was just sitting at home all day watching tv with at her grandparents, although her grandparents didn't really want to watch her.

Now she is in another state, without my boyfriends permission and in the care of a flaky mother. It scares me.

My boyfriend has gone to the social workers office in the past and they told him they couldn't physically take the girl away from her mother unless she was homeless, a prostitute or on drugs... which of course she isn't... she just is unstable. Now he made another appointment this morning and is speaking to a lawyer tomorrow morning, hopefully they can do something.

I seemed to have upset him when I said that BM was crazy for taking their daughter without even saying anything to him. He didn't even say a word to respond. And then when he spoke to her finally on the phone he didn't even want to tell me what she said. He told me that she said a bunch of nothing. Then I hear him talking to a friend of MINE telling her all about what happened. I don't know how to be supportive in this situation. I love them both so much and want to help them in any way I can but he seems to want to shut me out of this whole thing, yet still have his daughter come and live with us. What can I do?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Wow. At least his lawyer is working on what can be done.

--"She has been telling my BF that she someday will be moving to another state and getting married to her boyfriend but she never gives any details"--

I guess I would have thought that your BF would have contacted a lawyer at the first mention of the mother talking about it. Was there anything in the custody agreement that allowed her to do this?

Really neither here nor there, but I was under the impression that 5 year olds were to young for public schools in Mexico and age 6 was the start of primary school with grade one. Do they have something like our kindergarten available or similar in private school (that might have been expensive though for the child's parents...no clue)

Why is Bf openingly discussing this with your friend over you? Maybe he is just upset right now The friend might be more neutral to discuss things with as a friend would not become as upset which might serve to distress Bf even more if he's dealing with poof of his daughter and an upset you? Does he usually shut you out of things of importance? He may just need a bit of space right now, losing his child must certainly be traumatic for him. My ex DIL would lapse into Russian when she was upset, perhaps he can speak to this friend in a way he can not with you?


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Well I don't even know if they have a custody agreement. Good question... I doubt it as they were never married. So that is something that I think he will be figuring out with the lawyer tomorrow. He just told me that they are going to have to meet a lawyer together to decide how much he is going to pay her a month etc... right now he is just paying her what they both decided is fair.

As for the school, actually a lot of people send their kids to school early here and they have a lot of programs for young children. Though I think they usually start at about 4 or 5 (as for the cost all I know is that when my BF's daughter was living with him full time he was able to find an affordable school for his daughter with the help of a social worker and no financial support from his ex at all).

Yeah, I guess I felt hurt to hear him talking to her about this issue that so obviously involves me and avoiding talking to me about it... and he was speaking to her in English so there wasn't a difference there. But I think you are right, I think he just needed some space. He is more open with talking to me now about it. As for shutting me out, I don't know. I guess lately our communication hasn't been that great but I don't see it as a regularly occurring thing. Maybe the stress of this situation is at the root of our communication problems.

Thanks as always for the advice and for listening :D


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

That is so awful. I'm SO sorry your BF is dealing with this. It's very scary to not know where your child is and with whom they are with.

Please refresh my memory and help to understand more.
I'm not familiar with Mexico but what state did she move to? Is it a close state? A neighboring state? Is it still in Mexico?

Unfortunately If there is no order, she might be within her rights to take the child away without his permission since they were not married and had no order. I'm glad he is speaking with an attorney. At least they may be able to force her to come back OR to set up some kind of an arrangement.

I hope all goes well -- keep us posted!


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

The laws of Mexico would probably apply so asking on a forum may not be too helpful.

The bigger issue that I see is his reluctance to involve you, yet the expectation that if he were to get his daughter back, you should be her caretaker... even though she doesn't like you.

My interpretation of the facts, as you have presented them, is that he does not want to share this part of his life with you, maybe even feels you are overstepping into HIS territory with his daughter & his ex.

From the few details I remember, the child does not like you & he does not want your help, yet you continue to be worried & concerned about something that really has nothing to do with you. You have a choice to disengage but you are choosing to fight a battle you probably can't win. Your involvement is not wanted or supported by the father, therefore you have a decision to make in whether you stay in that relationship (& hope he comes around to want to include you) or simply not take on any caretaker/caregiver role when you have no say or he does not want your opinions. He can't have it both ways & you can't force him to want you to be involved with his child.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble or offend you. I'm speaking as a SM that is disliked by my SD... no matter what I do for her. Her father has been supportive of my involvement and is appreciative of my efforts and if he weren't, there's no way I would have ever pushed my way into that role without his support. Personally, I think you should back off & allow him to make the decisions he wants to make, be supportive & when he needs a babysitter, let him hire one. You are not built in free childcare. unless he believes you are not contributing financially so he puts that on you for that reason.

As for my opinion on the mother moving away. I'm in CA so the laws are probably not the same, but time is probably going to be of the essence. If he waits to long & allows her to establish herself & the child in a new location, it will be harder to make her return. If he races to the nearest courthouse to complain she moved & he wants his rights established, he is more likely to have the sympathy of a father whose children were snatched away from him than if he waits.


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Speaking to a lawyer today...

The steps I am personally taking in this situation are as follows: Let daughter have more father daughter time. Continue to be supportive of both of them. Be involved in family time like trips to the zoo, ice skating.. bowling etc but back off a little as to give them time together. I noticed a big difference in my *SD* behavior when I left them alone for an evening. She gave me a little kiss goodbye and was really chatty with me and friendly... I think she may actually like me, she just needs more time with daddy, although he doesn't completely understand it, he is supportive of that now. I felt left out yes... though it is not like that all of the time. We had a good conversation last night about the lawyer, what he wants to happen, how he is hurt etc. I see that *justmetoo* had a point.. maybe he needs a little space to think about things before we discuss them. This is all an ongoing process. We both are learning how to handle a mixed family situation. It is new to the both of us and not without it's difficulties... but I think we will get there. What I am afraid of, and him too... is that she will get used to not having us around... while that affects both of our relationships with her, I am worried about the relationship between the two of us becoming strained because she is not getting to know me at all.

As for him speaking with a lawyer, he found out last week on Tuesday that his daughter was taken away and he called them social worker right away. He went to see her yesterday, and is meeting with a lawyer today. From what it sounds like, the social worker doesn't seem very supportive of his cause. As in the US, it seems that the law favors children being with their mother, even if the child may be better off with their father. As I said, she is not a drug user, prostitute and does not beat her child... she is just flaky and unreliable. My boyfriend has a statement from the daughter's mother's family saying that they believe the girl would be better off with her father... but apparently that means nothing. I hope everything goes well today with the lawyer. I'm keeping my fingers crossed... it hurts me so much to see him sad because of this, and even more that the people who are supposed to help him *social workers* seem to not support him.

We are in Guadalajara, Jalisco in the center of Mexico. She moved to the state of Colima near to the beach. It is about a 3 and half hour drive to get there. With my boyfriends low salary, how much money he gives to her mom to take care of her, and the fact that we don't have a car, it will be almost impossible to see her often. He is hoping to be able to see her once a month, but even that is a stretch on his salary.

I guess we will have to wait to see what the lawyer says today. I can only hope that the lawyer he sees is more supportive of the father's rights than the social worker he spoke to or he may have no hope.


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no support from lawyers!

Well the lawyer that the social worker set my boyfriend up with told him they can't do anything. There is nothing they will do at all. No appointment to set up an agreement with how much money he will pay her... no demand that she come back... the only thing they told him that he can do is to get along with his ex, and ask her to help him pay for his trip to see his daughter (which she of course will never do). The percentage of his income that he is paying her for child support is almost 19%, and he can't even see his daughter because he can't afford the trip! The lawyers told him that the amount he pays her is *nothing* but it's because his salary is low! 19% I think is a lot. I am so frustrated and sad... I will continue to try and look for other lawyers... but my boyfriend is ready to give up. Every time he tries to do something with that office he comes back sad and discouraged.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Perhaps the mother and father with the lawyer helping can come to terms of meeting half way for child exchange. Or one weekend she bring daughter for her visitation with father and the next he come get her. I would not think it would always have to be him coming to child as she is the one who moved. Some of the other posters here do all kinds of compromises in pick-ups and exchanges.

For immediate, the best news is that your BF actually knows where she is. It would have been horrible to have the mother just disappear with child.

I get you're worried over the contact you might have with the child and how much, but the absolute priority to your BF right now has to be that HE has access to his daughter. if they can work out the schedule and transportation between mother and father, then on father's time you can begin to focus on you also being included and your relationship with child while he has her.

If BF has to travel to other city ocassionally is there a reason you could not be included in that? Not to take up all the time, you do want them to have alone time, but a bit of time. Would he be staying in the other city the weekend?

I will also assume that since this mother has grandparents watch the child from time to time that perhaps they too could help in the transportation? Will they be going to see thier daughter/grandchild and mother be coming back to see them?


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

I am probably going to get flamed for it, I am in a decisive mood this week LOL

But I would just pack my suitcases and head back to the states and let them deal with babies/custody/drama. What do you need all this for?

PS Are you financially supporting your BF BTW?


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

You know.... this may not be the "right" way to go about things.... BUT.... you don't have a court order for anything? Right? So... what if dad tells mom that he'll give her the support money every month when she brings daughter to see him? I mean... she's playing dirty by moving the kid away, can't he play a little dirty too? It's worth a shot.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

"I am probably going to get flamed for it, I am in a decisive mood this week LOL
But I would just pack my suitcases and head back to the states and let them deal with babies/custody/drama. What do you need all this for?"

Maybe I'm in a crabby mood but I tend to agree.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

I am here for more reasons than just my boyfriend so I wouldn't consider moving to the states... would I consider leaving them due to drama involving a daughter? No. He's not the one starting the drama. He just wants to see his daughter... it's the woman who insists on making it so hard for him and the government who refuses to help him that are causing him pain and making me upset. Would you consider leaving your husband if forces outside of him started to cause trouble in his life? Wouldn't you consider supporting him through his difficult time? He means much more to me than just bailing at the first sign of difficulty. As fir financially supporting him, no I am not. We split things halfway. I pay a little extra money for food because I make more, and he cooks. Things are fair.

Personally I really like your idea momof3. I will bring that up to him and see what he thinks. My guess is that if mom decides her money is worth it and decides not to fight him in court over it, that she will drop daughter off to get her money and then disappear.. and magically reappear whenever she feels like it like normal.

Justmetoo... dad will be going to see his daughter in another city due to the hours he works... I don't think time makes it sensible for him to come back and then bring her back again. No reason I couldn't go along so no problem there. They can do they own thing together while me still being in the area.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

I agree with Love and PO1.

Mexico is going to be so different than the states. Even worse honestly.

I asked a coworker for you that is from Mexico and she doesn't really know for sure but they don't do things the way we do it here in the US.
I googled it also and found info on Mexico. Mothers generally have custody. If a father wants custody he might be able to get custody of the boys. Girls stay with mom unless dad can prove that mom is causing harm to the daughter. At 14 the child may decide where they want to live. The only regulation on travel is a parent cannot leave the country with a minor without a written statement from the absent parent (absent meaning not leaving the country). As far as I can tell, she is within her rights to move to another state within Mexico without permission from the father. DIF offers free legal advice to parents. Also it does say it's up to each states court to decide on the law. Meaning, they can change the interpretation of the law at any time. I believe that your BF really has no leg, especially since this is a girl. Mexico apparently is very clear that girls belong with the mother. But don't let him give up. Keep talking to attorney's until one will help him.

I found two websites that state child support does not have to be court order and should be paid regardless of an order. It's 3 months in jail if he stops paying (even without a court order)
In my state 20% is the minimum for support so I think 19 would he reasonable. If he has a low paying job, of course it is not much but it is 19% of his income.

I would never live in Mexico. The government cannot be trusted.
And if I were you, I would not have children with this man in Mexico, you would never be able to leave if you decide to come home.


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Thanks myfampg for the info!

Myfampg... Thanks for asking for me! That really helps. DIF is where he has been going and getting nowhere. I will tell him about the 3 month in jail thing... but the lawyer also said that if the woman keeps him from seeing his daughter they can do something. It seems to me that by moving their daughter far enough away where he can't financially afford to see his daughter is keeping him from seeing her. I told him not to give up... but he really feels defeated. I will keep encouraging him and keep asking around to the lawyers I know though and see if I can get someone to help him. Can you give me the links of the websites you looked at by chance? I've been searching on the internet today and not finding much.

I saw my brother struggle with child support issues in Minnesota... and things turned out similar to how this one is going with my BF. The woman got full custody because of the lies she made up and used as her personal testimony... courts both here in Mexico and in the US seem to favor women having their children even when the man is perhaps more capable of raising them... and they don't even ask for proof from the woman! Just 2 years ago or so, MN started taking the woman's salary into consideration as well. In my brother's case his ex was earning far more than him and taking a lot of his money as well... buying herself new rims, a new car... tinted windows. It makes me sick.

IMHO women who have ex's who want to be a part of their kids lives, who want to financially support their kids... who are responsible loving fathers... these women should be grateful. Yet, I keep seeing the great men I care about in my life kept from seeing their children because of some problem their exes have. Just as kids need their mothers... they need their fathers.

Probably I want to help my boyfriend so much with this because I am sick of seeing the important men in my life broken down by their exes. Not to mention the harm it does to the kids!! I wish more people would realize that when you keep your ex from seeing their child because you are angry with them, that you are really hurting your own child!!

*Done with my rant for the day.*


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

*Done with my rant for the day.*

Go have a cupcake -- it will help

courts both here in Mexico and in the US seem to favor women having their children even when the man is perhaps more capable of raising them... and they don't even ask for proof from the woman!

I don't think this is a *USA* issue. Maybe in the court your brother is in but not necessarily the case everywhere. More men have custody today than EVER before. Father's Rights activists are growing like wild fire in many metropolitan areas and Father's are being heard and getting their rights. Joint custody is common in most states. All I believe. The problem can sometimes be that the parents were not married. This changes the courts view on custody but it's not impossible for a man to gain legal custody in the US.

Just 2 years ago or so, MN started taking the woman's salary into consideration as well. In my brother's case his ex was earning far more than him and taking a lot of his money as well... buying herself new rims, a new car... tinted windows. It makes me sick.

A lot of states do not take in to consideration the custodial parents income. Mine doesn't. Also, just because she was making far more money than him doesn't mean that he does not have a responsibility to provide financially for his child. 20% is not much but it works. It's good for me. But 100% of my income goes to providing for my children. 100% of my husband's income goes to our child AND MY child while only 20% of her father's income goes to her. How is that fair?
If she is making far more than your brother then it sounds like a new car and rims are OK because afterall, she is providing far more for their child than he is.

Just trying to point out some other views.

I will post the links later when I have more time. I found a lot of info in mexico's laws on the US consulate website. It's in english but gives a basic run down of their 'beliefs'.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

myfampg.... do you think that only 20% of a noncustodial parents income goes to their child? I'm not so sure. 20% is what goes to the custodial parent, but for an example in our and my brothers case (and I'm sure many more), we provide food when she is at our house, there are toys here, she has her room with her things that we buy for her, clothes, we go out and do family activities and spend money on those. Don't think just because the child is only with their other parent part time means that they don't spend any money and only give 20% of income. It's just not true. And 100% of your salary goes to your children? Does your morning coffee, your new clothes, your things, your hair dye provide for your kids? I'm not saying you don't deserve those things, of course you do... we all do... but those things are not for your kids. 100% of a person's salary does usually not go towards their kids. Now maybe yours does... and you're a saint... but normally it's not that way.

As for it not being as US issue, you are probably right, but nor is it a Mexico issue. It's an issue that many men face around the world, and it's sad. I'm so happy to hear that men now more than ever have custody... it means we are moving up in the world and realizing that it's not always correct to have children living with their mother. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she has a maternal instinct... just because she's a mother and not a drug addict or a prostitute doesn't mean she's better fit to raise children. All I'm saying is that I think men deserve an equal chance and right to raise their children. Courts often look not for who is better to raise a separated families children, but only at if the mom is extremely unfit. And you are right, it does have to do if they are married or not. Both my brother and my BF were not... that is a problem. I learned through this that I will NEVER have children with someone without being married... not for religious reasons but the legal ones.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Don't hold your breath, things happen, babies are made and often times before marriage.

When you are a mom, come back and let's talk about your rights to raise your child and what makes you fit and your ex not.

I don't do morning coffee
I do not dye my hair
I actually cut my own hair
I do not get my nails done
I have not bought a new piece of clothing in more than 3 months
I actually don't think I have purchased anything for myself in quite a while.
Oh wait, in June I budgeted for the 3 for $22 set of panties at JCP because mine had some holes
Maybe I should go spend more money on myself, so that my daughters stepmom can accuse me of using my child support to buy fancy things for myself.
20% doesn't pay the daycare bill.

I guess it would depend on how often the child is with the other parent on how much they spend during that time. 6 meals in one weekend compared to my 15 in a week. Does it really compare?
Do ALL non custodial parents buy school supplies, clothes, shoes, backpacks, lunch money/lunch box, dance class, piano class, yearbook, picture day, field trip, teacher gifts, daily childcare. Does their once a month or once twice a month purchase of shampoo, soap, toothpaste compare to my weekly or bimonthly expense because the child uses it more at my house since they are only at the other house every other weekend?
For me, my daughter didn't go to her dad's for several years as he was on supervised visits. Now that is just my situation but ... To answer your question, yes, 20% was all he was putting out for 4 years. He just recently started having to feed her. Clothe her? Maybe. But it's not compared to the wardrobe I have to have since she is with me majority of the time. Her needs there are much less. And nope, she does not have her own room. She shares with her stepsister. The room was not specifically made for her... It was already there, she just gets to borrow a side of the bed every other weekend.

Going and doing fun things. That is do awesome. I know my daughter gets to do fun things with her dad when she is with him because he doesn't have the daily expenses of having her full time during the week. Of course he has more money to spend on the weekend, he hasnt had to spend anything all week long on his daughter.

Everyone's situation is different is my point.

And yes. I am working on sainthood. Saint Myfam. I hope they build a statue for me.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

--...but the lawyer also said that if the woman keeps him from seeing his daughter they can do something. It seems to me that by moving their daughter far enough away where he can't financially afford to see his daughter is keeping him from seeing her."--

I doubt that your reasoning will get BF far in a court with that agrument. They may instead inform him that he has several choices 1)get a better paying job and/or another to supplement the low paying he he currently has. 2)Consider moving closer to where daughter lives. 3)Work out a reasonable transportation arrangement with the mother.

Keeping the child from him would mean that BM refuses to let child see BF when he does come to see her. It's not exactly the court's fault Dad can't manage to get himself down the highway three hours. I will assume that there are buses running between the two areas.

Perhaps priorities will have to be reviewed also. A coffee maker will make morning cups of coffee cheaper than purchasing from a vendor. A few less clothes and self purchases would mean savings to put forth towards the trip. Creative ways of 'family' activities of less costing and/or free would clear up additional money for trips. It all really comes down to just how badly BF wants to see his daughter and how serious he is in making it happen.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Honestly, you are a woman who moved to a foreign country to be with this guy and you have issues with what CS he pays, what ex does, how he parents, how kid does not like you, he is not communicating to you, he is broke up to the point of not seeing his kid etc Yes love is blind but com'n now.

"It is about a 3 and half hour drive to get there. With my boyfriends low salary, how much money he gives to her mom to take care of her, and the fact that we don't have a car, it will be almost impossible to see her often. He is hoping to be able to see her once a month, but even that is a stretch on his salary."

So he can't go see a kid 3 and half hour away? Take a bus, it is cheap. And does he realize that if a child lived with him, it would be WAY more expensive than paying child support and going to see a kid 3 hours away? Why is he arguing he has to have a kid full time yet he can't even afford the basics? I thought she moved overseas from how you reacted.

And he is going to say in court that he cannot afford to see his kid so the kid must be moved in closer to him. LOL Make daddy comfy because daddy is broke, really? LOL You can't be serious. I could see maybe that the reason is not being able to be involved in her daily activities but being broke? What kind of reason is that? How old is this guy?


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

What skckxy describes (moving away to where NCP cannot afford to see child) would not be allowed here, because of that exact reason (that it would be detrimental to parent/child relationship). Yes, court might agree that the custodial parent should be allowed to move - but they're also likely to put the expense of sending the child back to visit on the custodial parent. So it is a valid point. And I'm kind of amused by the "take a bus" comment - it is the rare "express" bus that will make a 3 1/2 hour car trip in less than six or seven hours (due to winding around making numerous stops), and that's assuming that there even is one direct bus that goes to and from there.

It is an unfortunate situation, to be sure. Even if both parents have the best motives sometimes a move far away is what has to happen, and it can be tough for the kids and the NCP both.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Except not, Mattie. I did happen to check out what I was about to post before I suggested it. Called the ENT, about 3 to 4 hours between the two, luxury bus through beautiful lush countryside with a reserved seat , a sandwich and beverage roughly 280 pesos. Buses leave every one to two hours daily both ways.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

LOL, justmetoo! That's what I get because I did not check before I posted. I stand corrected.

I just knew that my brother used to take the bus back and forth from college; a 2 1/2 hour car trip down the highway was a seven hour bus trip - and that was from one city to another (with stops at every crossroads in between, apparently.) Wish we had such good service here....


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Everywhere in the world buses are cheap. I am a world traveler and have to been to 18 countries (developing world as well as industrialized). I am yet to see expensive bus tickets.

Yes there are direct buses between Jalisco and Colima and prices vary somewhere around $15. And as JMT said luxury one is 280 which is around $20.00.

Now of course for some people even 20 dollars is too much but let's face it, if 20 is too much then why on Earth he claims he has to have a child full time (how is going to raise her?) and why is he bringing girlfriends from different countries to live with him? He is no place in life to raise kids full time or play house.

I agree it is ridiculous she moved without saying anything, it is wrong. But dad's argument about being broke and having low salary just does not hold any value plus there is possibly more to the story.

And the thing is happening in Mexico with different laws and regulations. US, Canadian or Australian laws do not apply.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

I just want to say... the 20% is different in all states. We don't even get close to 20% for my ss... or I'm guessing my ds16. Her paycheck that we clearly saw was for $15 per hour. Dh gets $56 per week. That's no where near 20%. BM only gets him once per month except in the summer. She doesn't buy him clothes/school supplies/pay for sports/NOTHING except the "fun" stuff she wants to do with him when she has him. She paid for a new cell this month at $120.... same phone I just bought my son for $1. She also promised him Jordans for shoes. We pay $50 for each kids shoes... I noticed shopping last night Jordans start at $80. Soooooo... she's being Disney mom again and buying him expensive things to make her look like the hero... but yet she still hasn't paid a dime of support since June 7. I had to buy him his school supplies that cost me $50, school books were $123 and football sign up is Saturday and is $80. Plus that doesn't include the new clothes I had to buy him this week for the start of school. These were needed things- minus football- her items were NOT needed, cheaper shoes would've sufficed. I'm sooooooo pissed that she can't even pay 20% for his support but buys things that aren't needed. So, those of you who do get 20% and actually get it should be feeling very lucky. Oh... and I have to be the one to drive to get him Saturday 2 1/2 hours away and use MY gas. (She picked a time dh had to work and specifically asked if I could do it.... see, I've said before she asks my dh if I will do stuff for her. I'm doing it for DH... NOT her but still, it's been her time and I have to pay to get him back and she hasn't bothered to pay in OVER TWO MONTHS!)

My ss bm is only 5 hours away.... we make that drive at least once a month. I think your bf could easily do it but she should absolutely have to meet you at least half way.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

But momof3 -- we aren't talking About the united states. We are talking about Mexico and she already said it's 19% so what you get and what he pays are not relevant to each other.

And she was speaking of her brother who has to pay * this* much but the mom makes far more than he does which I interpreted her to mean * brother is paying too much for his child to a mom who has a good job and makes more so he shouldn't have to financially provide as much since mom makes enough to provide FOR him*

What your deadbeat parent momof3 does is not in the same relm here. OP is complaining that BF pays mom money which makes it difficult for him to live..

As far as your SS BM momof3, $15 an hour is roughly $31,200 a year. Before taxes 20% would be $120 a week. Not sure on your state but most states calculate child support AFTER taxes. If my support was calculated BEFORE taxes, 20% would be an additional $223 a month! So your support sounds to be right at 20% after taxes on a $15/hour salary.

$15x40=$600
$600x52 weeks= $31200.
Multiplied by 20%=6240.00
divided by 52 weeks= $120

After taxes= $56 sounds about right. That would be about $3328 a year in federal tax, social security tax, Medicare tax and state income tax if your state has it. (mine does not)
Since SS does not live with BM she cannot claim him as a dependent so she would not get the tax break on her paycheck from claiming ALL of the dependents she *possibly* could.

I'm not attacking momof3 I promise but I'm just trying to prove a point here. After taxes and child support payment, her weekly income is probably somewhere around $400. $1600 a month. After my house and car payment, I wouldnt be able to feed my kids much less buy clothes or pay for football.

The difference here is that OP is in Mexico and in Mexico MOM can move to any state within the country without permission from dad. They don't have our fancy laws that say, you must stay in the county, you cannot move to a new state without a huge reason, you can't move over 100 miles away and expect NCP to pay transportation. Their law's are clean and short and basically, CP can do anything within the country.

OP, I looked up my court order out of curiosity for the wording; if parents reside 100 miles or more from each other, NCP gets one weekend a month from fri to sun. It does not state that anyone is responsible for transportation. My order only states that the NCP is responsible for transportation. That part of our order is old and outdated so if we got a new one I know it would say whoever causes the distance has to provide transportation.
But this would not apply to you since Mexico has different law's. I just wanted to see what the visitation would be for long distance.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

myfampg.... I have an income calculator at work that figures our taxes... bm should be bringing home $510 a week. 20% of bring home would be $102. Also... she DOES get ss for a tax deduction every other year. If she can't afford football and clothes then she surely shouldn't be buying him expensive things just because. Like the new cell phone that he didn't need... he had one that worked....Or the expensive shoes. $50 shoes work just as well as $80-$100. It's not even his birthday... speaking of which.... she's already promising him a giant birthday party at some magic mountain game place. Shouldn't she be concentrating on getting her $616 worth of back support caught up before making those promises or buying those expensive unnecessary items? I think so. OOOOohhhhh.. BTW... our state doesn't calculate after taxes... it's before. BUT.. they take off percentages for visitation/childcare/healthcare. Which they didn't take off on my dh's side because I provide the healthcare. That doesn't seem fair either.

Mexico has some screwed up laws. We all know that. That's why so many of them are illegally coming to our country and sponging off us. I can't believe someone would move their willingly, sorry op.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

"The difference here is that OP is in Mexico and in Mexico MOM can move to any state within the country without permission from dad. They don't have our fancy laws that say, you must stay in the county, you cannot move to a new state without a huge reason, you can't move over 100 miles away and expect NCP to pay transportation. Their law's are clean and short and basically, CP can do anything within the country. "


"Mexico has some screwed up laws. ... I can't believe someone would move their willingly, sorry op. "

Oh, I don't know - moving to Mexico is sounding like a damned fine option to me right now! LOL! I'm pretty sure DH would agree with me. ;-)


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Aren't you in New Jersey momof3?


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Myfampg, OP willingly moved there to be with a guy. Women are known to do worse things for men. LOL Most of us here could probably think of at least one instance when they did ridiculous thing to keep a guy. Moving to a foreign country seems on a extreme end of it, but heck i could think of things I did in younger age to be with a guy that makes me roll my eyes now, what was i thinking...

I think 3 hours a way, monthly visitations are very reasonable or EOW. Ima's SD's BM gets her 3 weekends a month, and I think she lives 3 hours a way, but DH does driving as well. Ima could correct me if i am wrong. What i am saying 3 hours a way is not the other planet.


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myfam

"Since SS does not live with BM she cannot claim him as a dependent so she would not get the tax break on her paycheck from claiming ALL of the dependents she *possibly* could."

We had big arguments here that people can claim their kids as dependent even as they don't live with them and even if they are NCPs. Somebody actually posted they claimed a kid who lived with the other parent and never even visited. Apparently people put it in their COs that they can claim kids they don't live with.

SDs' BM claimed YSD one year out of the blue even though YSD did not live a day of the year with her and BM did not contribute a penny to anything. When FDH called with "WTF?" speech she said "Yeap I claimed her and take me to court if you don't like it" LOL She knew damn well he WILL NOT go to court over anything. I know that's a bizarre case but people do bizarre things.


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correction

I stand corrected, momof3 not myfampg wondered why people move their willingly, oops


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

PO1 why are you directing your post at me? I agree with that. I also agree that 3 hours away is not the other end of the planet. I'm telling OP that Mom can move where she wants within the country and OP's BF really can't do anything about it. Courts won't either.

I am the one that posted 1 weekend a month is what my order says over 100 miles. I agree that is good for the distance but Dad is going to have to go get daughter to exercise his rights.

I don't think I disagree with what you are saying. I also said I wouldn't move to Mexico because of their law's although I agree with Mattie, there are days Mexico sound pretty good...


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mom of 3

momof3, my ex is the same way.

he always bought very nice fancy expensive things for DD that she did not even need while I stuck with boring necessities like school supplies and school fees that are not flashy. And if people asked where she got this or that she'd say "daddy bought it", it appears that dad is a hero while mom buys nothing nice.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

myfampg.... I'm in Indiana. Not too sure where New Jersey came from LOL! :) Boring ol corn fields for me. HAHA! Mexico sounds fantastic but I'm not living within their laws or lack there of. :) Visiting maybe... moving there, hell no!

PO1... I HATE it!!! Drives me insane! BUT.. I'm sure in the long run ss will see who did what and who didn't.

I'm super grouchy today..... I've about had it with my dh letting the whore off without even so much of a "when can I expect a payment?" He needs to grow a set real quick or he's getting the wrath of momof3!


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Thank you!

Ok thanks Po1 I was sooooo confused! Lol

As far as the tax, it is a federal offense, look it up. If they are doing it, you don't have to go back to court, you contact the IRS. Period.

Momof3 I believe you have said you are in NJ so please correct me if I am wrong.

BUT on their website www.njchildsupport.org it specifically states, child support is calculated by both parents NET income combined. AND it also specifically states that other children in the paying parents household are considered into the percentage because she has to be able to provide for her other biological children. So there you go. $56 is fair for her income and the # of children she has based on her salary AND your husband's salary. NET is after all withholdings are taken out. Taxes, insurance, life insurance, etc.

I understand your frustration BUT some of your anger is misguided at BM. Be made at the state of New Jersey for calculating your husband's income. And as far as the health insurance goes, neither BM nor BD provide health insurance for the child. Unfortunately what you are doing is not recognized by NJ. It states stepparent/grandparent income, contributions or their other bio children do not count in this equation. It is soley mom and dad period.
So the person you should be mad at is the state not BM. You are giving her a free ride of health insurance and according to that website, you will not be reimbursed.

I am so sorry that you deal with such a wonderful (sarcasm) mother. I am sorry that you have to pick up the pieces. But you are putting too much on your back for the role you have. God bless you honey. :)


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Not NJ... Indiana

myfampg... I'm NOT in NJ... Im in Indiana.

http://mycourts.in.gov/csc/parents/default.aspx

This is the link to part of the calculator. It asks for both parents GROSS income. My dh makes $14.90 per hour. He actually makes a dime less then her. Also, BM doesn't have any other children. NONE! My dh has no other susequent children that would work into the equation because my ds8 was born after he was born and ds11 adoption isn't final yet.

She had my ss for tax purposes for 10 years... NEVER let my dh claim him. When we went to court we asked for the ramaining years as a deduction. She argued it and actually received in the court order for every other year. Now... as far as I know she will not be allowed to claim him if her child support is not current. I'm banking on that right now.


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Maybe

Hey... I just did the calculator... maybe it is 20% cause it brought it up to $102 for me. Although.... BM was only ordered to pay $56. Don't have a clue why.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Bahahaha is it momof4 gosh dang! Nevermind!!
Lol

I am taking a business trip to Indiana -- cornfields and goats are what I have been told about.

Ok just nevermind on the CS. I am sure darn glad I don't live in NJ cause their CS is stupid. It was off topic anyway.

I as a custodial parent get tired of the NCP parent always thinking they know what the CP 'must' be paying for. Like PO1 said, it's the boring stuff. Never the stuff that matters to the kid like fun stuff! And I hate it too! I want to buy my daughter two name brand shirts and be done with it. Instead I have to buy 12 cheaper brands. I know there are CPs that are probably not providing. My sister is one. I hate it but I can't do anything about it.

I'm thinking of taking up drinking this week and that *might* come out of CS money, have not decided yet


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

LMAO!!!!!! Myfampg.... the mood I'm in today.... I'm with ya on the drinking! I got my ds16's support today, maybe I could buy us one with that. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Just kidding! I bought him shoes last night and a pair of shorts and all those supplies... really it's gone already. LOL!

Indiana is more like cornfields and cows.... at least where I'm at. I don't see too many goats. LOL! Just at the zoo. LOL!

New Jersey is stupid. They need to get with the program! I sent my dh a demanding email inbetween all these posts. I told him He MUST get going with the filing with the IV D. I had printed out an application and filled it out and signed his name to it. Apparently he saw it cause he said I already did it. LOL! I told him I will if he doesn't get going on it. I'm just so sick of him not standing up for himself. Now he's not responding again, so I guess I'll mail the one I have. I'm pretty good at his signature if I do say so myself. LOL! He'll tell them what they need to know when they call.... he'll do it cause he won't get me in trouble. :) I just have to demand he do it.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

Well HE definitly needs to file that like ... LAST YEAR!

Good luck- don't spend your CS in one place .. Lol mine was gone on day one with school supplies and shoes!
I also found out that we had to pay an enrollment fee for school this year. What?? We pay taxes .. But whatever

Have a good night momof3 sorry for ranting about the wrong state lmao


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

I agree myfampg... He did need to do it last year. I stopped by the school today and got a copy of ss birth certificate and social security card... bm still has those but they came with his records. He has to have those to file IV D. I then drove them to him at work and told him he was calling today to setup an intake appointment. He said he needed to research and find out how they enforce the support first. UGH!!! I told him that they just do wage withholding and/or tax intercept. AND... that it doesn't matter.... even if they tied her down to a chair and did lethal injection it needed to be done. She's out spending a butt load of cash on whatever she wants and we haven't gotten a dime in over 2 months. Plus she'll constantly have new excuses why she can't pay. I swear if he doesn't do this.... well, he knows I can be a serious nag and he doesn't want that. I just don't understand why he wants to please her over me. It just pisses me off to no end.

We also have registration fees. For all four of my kids it totalled $626. Then I spent another $240 on supplies..... and $150 on shoes. BM actually bought ss shoes... BUT that's one of those things I think she's trying to be the hero on and I think she over spent. Plus they're all white... those won't last long. Boys are aweful with white.


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RE: BM took *SD* and moved to another state without telling us!

I agree about the white shoes. My son gets black shoes dirty in one day.

I normally would tell someone to stop pushing their Dh and to let him handle his business with BM but at this point, I see your frustration and he just needs to be 'guided' gracefully.

I do not think that your Dh just wants to please BM over you at all but I think it's more of a 'I don't want to fight' situation.
He doesn't want to engage with BM. As much as you think money would motivate someone, fighting with an ex isn't worth it to some.

Good luck!


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