My advice is:

Get your kids & get out of there.

Isolating one child,
making that child into the scapegoat (everything that's wrong is the child's fault, & anything that would be right when another child did it is *wrong* when the scapegoat child does it, etc),
becoming angry at the very sight of the child,
"not being able" to think of a single nice thing to say about the child (I'd have knocked the fire out of him for humiliating her like that)
are all classic signs of abuse.

& as you are seeing, it doesn't stop with the one who starts it:
Your poor daughter is being torn down & dismantled not only by your husband but now by her own sisters...

which is another hallmark of an abusive family life.

The other siblings reject the scapegoated child & blame her for everything, putting as much distance between them & her as possible & dishing out contempt & scorn.

&...
"he feels he's doing nothing wrong."

They never do.

Get your children out of there before their lives become even more miserable & warped.

I wish you the best.

I rarely post yet in this instance I can barely contain myself.
That an adult won't teach themselves self control, because his "visceral feelings" won't allow it makes me sick to the core. A$$hole.
I second Sylviatexas's advice.
Because even when she becomes and adult, say with her own children...he'll treat those babies like he did her....imagine that future for all of you.
Sickening isn't it?

Sylvia,

As I read the OP... I saw a different POV. My relationship with my SD has deteriorated to that point & as I read OP, I tried to think of something good about my SD. The first thing that popped into my head... "she's NOT my kid". and I feel bad for feeling that way. Then I read your post & wonder if I should leave my marriage for feeling like I do?

I don't know the history of OP's family, but I can say that I came into the relationship with the best intentions. I've done more for SD than her own mother, yet she stabs me in the back at every turn. It makes me wonder why there is only a problem with this one child... and while I don't think it's right to blame the child when there is a problem between a child & adult, it isn't always so easy for the adult to let things go when a child does things (and continues to do those things) that are part of the problem.

"the scapegoated child"

As I read those words, it implies that the child is the victim, however I have done everything I can to make my SD's life better, try to be her friend, cry when she's gotten hurt over the years... trust me, she is not my victim. (Though I do believe she is a victim of her mom's treatment of her) And now, even though I have chosen to disengage with her, I can tell she feels the tension when we are around each other. She knows I have disengaged. I don't want to do things with or for her unless absolutely necessary. It's uncomfortable for both of us. She is also very quiet & acts like she's walking on eggshells around me, so to an outsider... I guess she looks like the poor red headed stepchild victim scapegoat. I'm the evil stepmother.

Honestly, I think there is more to the story than what OP has put down. I don't think a person that has been around for 8 years (DH & I have been together for 6 years) and gets along with the rest of the children, started out disliking this one child without a reason. I've just begun counseling for myself to figure out how to deal with living along side a child that manipulates everyone around her into thinking I am abusing her. I would recommend counseling for OP's DH continue & wish them luck.

--"Honestly, I think there is more to the story than what OP has put down"--

I agree with this and feel we'd be do nothing but making assumptions and debating each other's own personal situations without at least getting a bit more backstory on this OP. It was far too 'generic' to base any possible theory and/or thoughts of what went wrong and/or point fingers, let alone actually try and give advice.

I agree. Not sure the entire back story.

My stepdad is this way with my sister. She was just a teenager that did a lot of things that were embarrassing, dangerous, expensive, illegal, hurtful... The list goes on. They are not close. Yes he will hug her and he does things for her 'now' that she is going on 40 but she has told me that he has NEVER said 'I love you' to her. Well... He just doesn't feel that way for her but he tells me daily (and my brother)
He went in with good intentions, she pushed away, she made life miserable, she played the victim card, she walked on eggshells, she knew the tension she caused and who could blame him for feeling the way he did? We didn't.

So when OP says, she is no angel, what exactly does that mean? What has dd15 done that has cause the stepdad to feel the way he does? If it's been from day one then there is a problem. If it just started BECAUSE of something that is quite another issue.

I agree to continued counseling. It's obviously not going to be an overnight fix but if you all stick to it, really put your best intentions into it, in time, you may find healing.

Thanks for your responses so far. I really do appreciate it. Here is a little more background information for you. For some reason DH has always been closer to DD14 and DS10. Maybe it's because they were younger and really don't have many memories of me & their father being together. DD15 was 5 when the kids dad left. When my DH came into the picture she was 7.
About a year ago DD15 ran away (2 times) and stayed with a boy that we don't care for. The first time she was gone for almost 2 days. Second time it was 5 days. I was pretty sure she was hiding in his house but could not prove it. The 1st time I knew where the boy lived so we were able to get her back rather quickly. By the second time the boy had moved and I had no idea where. The police were not very helpful as they told me they have thousands of run away cases (we live in a large city). I did my own investigating and found the address of this boy and gave the police the address and sure enough she was there.
Since that time we've been in counseling (DH, me, & DD15 as a group) and DD15 has been in individual counseling as well. I don't want her to see this boy but as I fought it more, things got worse and the running away began. I was advised by the counselor to maybe allow her to see the boy but in a controlled environment and on my terms. Since I have started letting her do this our relationship has improved but things with DH just got worse.
Like I've said, she's made mistakes. We all have but I feel like ever since this incident, DH has never forgiven her.

So the 'we don't like each other' started rather recently when DD hit the teen years? Yeah, those teen years, ouch. Every lesson I think I ever learned I learned it the hard way. Was not my mother's or father's fault I was just darn and determined to do things my way. I've never lost that stubborn determined quirk in me but I did learn to put it to better use than self destruct.

It's good that DH is willing to go to the family sessions. Does he have children of his own? Seems to me he would have already went through 'teen' years with other children to some extent if he has kids. If he does not have kids, yeah, wham, guy does not know what hit him.

Seriously, he has got to deal with is emotions. perhaps some therapy on his own? He needs to accept that SD is not the first nor the last teen to do stupid things and what they need most is a firm hand and a lot of guidence. He'll keep pushing her out the door if he continues to fill the house with tension and knock the kid at every move.

On the other hand, DD needs to realize that she blew it big time and that it takes time to reearn trust. She also needs to learn fast that whatever actions she takes now can and will affect her for the rest of her life. Unless the boyfriend is a real jerk and/or ages olders, the counselor may be correct in allowing supervised/controlled contact between the two...the idea of the forbidden fruit and all that.

You know, they don't have to like each other, but as long as they live in the same house they must respect each other and be civil. Easier said than done, but DH must remember this is a minor, people make mistakes, they disobey and they get mouthy, careless and down right scary little creatures. It's easier for her, it's your daughter, you love her, always have and you just might recall a few crazy things you yourself did in your younger years. Not so easy for him. He does not have all those bonds and if she's really acting out he may indeed find her intolerable. This may be where the self therapy for him could help.

You might try sitting them both down in your next family sessions, admitting mistakes everyone (all of you) have made, that if you did not care about both of them you certainly would not be living in a war zone and that will they may dislike each other and each other's ways that they have to coexist for the immediate future. Than lay out a ground plan as to how to accomplish that with input from both of them with the help of the counselor.

Yes I feel like this really started once the teen years hit with her. DH does not have children of his own and I have pretty much decided I will not have children with him if we can't solve this issue we are under now. He knows this. I feel like DD15 does realize that she blew it and we talk all the time about her future and how her choices now affect her for the rest of her life.

I can't say the boyfriend is a bad person. He just comes from a different walk of life. A different kind of family than ours. Most of the men in the boyfriends life have been in & out of jail, dropped out of school, etc. The mother is there but doesn't play an active role in his life. She's even told me at one point that she doesn't have time to keep up with her kids because she has to work. BTW the boyfriend is 16 and he's the baby in the family. I think he still needs his mom around.

I've allowed them to see each other under my rules and my daughter mentioned to me that it's strange that now I allow them to spend time together, things between them aren't as good. When I forbid them to see each other they wanted to be together so badly. Now, not so much. I'm secretly hoping that they will break up but until then, I am dealing with it and wearing a smile on my face. My DH on the other hand still can't stand the sight of the boy.

I'm not expecting a Brady Bunch type of family. I know that doesn't exist in real life. I just want my DH to give the girl a chance to redeem herself. Give her an oppurtunity to succeed. Don't pick apart or over analyze everything she does. Don't expect this child to fail or set her up for failure everytime. I could go on and on but I'd be typing for days!

You know.... my ex step dad used to be so mean to me too. I had my ds16 when I was 16. From that time on he'd tell me that I'd amount to nothing and wouldn't ever get a job better then asking if you want fries with that. At that particular time I already had a job. I worked in a grocery store. I got promoted once I turned 17 and could work the longer hours. I made more then most kids my age and I paid for groceries for my home... for my son, myself, my mom, step dad and my brother and sister. He just always thought he had to be mean. He was an alcoholic though. AND he was also mean to my siblings. I was the only one he didn't physically abuse.... just mentally. I believe that's because I always had bigger boyfriends. (DS16's bd is HUGE... and could knock the begeesies out of ex step dad!) I threatened him many many times that one more touch on them and I'd call the police....... could the boyfriend be a threat to your dh? Could that be why he's so mean to her? IDK.... I lost respect for my mom for quite awhile because she didn't stand up for us and take care of it. You really need to do something about it or you risk the relationship with your daughter.

I don't think it has anything to do with the boyfriend being a threat.

This sounds so similiar to my sister and stepdad. Some of her actions just appauled him. He was 'disgusted' but over time, he relaxed.
Keep at the therapy. This stepdad is not physically abusive momof3.
I think it sounds like he is extremely disappointed in her behavior and he is having a hard time drawing the line between unconditional and conditional.

The boyfriend is not a threat at all. DH can handle him no problem. I keep asking myself if maybe I'm the one that's wrong. Some of the things he says/does are just uncalled for. For example, One time we were out somewhere and I was going to the restroom so DD15 asks me 'do you want me to come with you mom' DH says 'why, are you going to wipe her ___ for her. she doesn't need your help' I was so embarrassed. Everytime DD15 asks me a question, I can hear DH sigh or chime in about what he thinks of the situation. He then wonders why she only wants to talk to me privately. I remember another time when I had to pick up a quick dinner for the family and DD15 chose something similar to DH. DD15 grabbed a burrito and started to eat. Turns out she was eating his burrito and all hell broke loose. YES, over a burrito. He thinks she did this intentionally. I'm getting mad just thinking about some of these things as I type.

"My DD15 pretty much tries to aviod SD and walks on eggshells because I know she can sense his dislike for her. He picks apart everything she does. I don't feel like he does this to DD14 or DS10 (which are all my children, he has no bio children, he has been in our lives for 8 years now). Every little thing that involves DD15 turns into a big fiasco with him and I can see that it's starting to take a toll on the other siblings. They are now starting to act the same way towards her.
My DD15 is no angel by any means but she is not the worst kid in the world"

There's no excuse in this world for anyone treating anyone this way.

It's scapegoating, it's the enjoyment of rage & of punishment, & it's training the victim *& her sisters* that the victim "deserves" to be treated badly.

"I lost respect for my mom for quite awhile because she didn't stand up for us and take care of it. You really need to do something about it or you risk the relationship with your daughter."

The most potent comment here, by someone who has been through it.

Hi DFW -- I've been where you are, and know how uncomfortable it is all around. My husband is a wonderful man, but he's human -- and my older son, his SS, pushed all of his buttons.

Wasn't always that way. At first, things were *wonderful* between the two of them. In fact, *too wonderful*. DS made the mistake of telling his BioDad how much he loved SD and how much fun they had together and BD felt threatened. So BD began bad-mouthing SD to DS -- told him all manner of narrow-minded, hateful things, some of which were 'just true enough' to be sore spots. And DS would come home from visiting his BD and act different. He no longer had the big hugs and kisses for SD and SD's feelings were hurt. DS would say all sorts of things that were innocent but hurtful, and clearly prompted by BD's comments. And SD was hurt some more... After a few years of this, SD put up an emotional wall against the pain and DS began to feel he wasn't loved in the same way our biological son was.

Fast forward to the teen years... DS has now mastered 'The Attitude'. He never actually did much acting out, or even said much that was disrespectful -- but there were days when contempt for SD practically oozed out of every pore. DS mastered the 'evil eye'. Of course my husband didn't like it! Younger DS has such an affectionate, laid back manner that the two kids just couldn't be compared -- but SD did compare them. Older DS was 'lazy' (true), had a bad attitude (true), was spoiled (absolutely true at BD's house, sorta true at ours). They didn't like each other very much and it showed every day in a hundred little ways. Neither one of them *ever* gave the other the benefit of the doubt.

Thank goodness DS went away to college. It was the best thing for everyone, in that DS grew up and outgrew the nasty teenage attitude. He also got serious about his schoolwork (really applied himself for the first time ever) and started bringing home grades any parent would be proud of. And SD was so proud! And shared his pride with DS in the form of heart-felt compliments and respect. And DS was polite and respectful in return. That was the beginning of the thaw --

Recently, DS and I had a heart-to-heart about that whole situation, and finally talked about the crux of the matter: DS always felt like the victim because he almost never actually *said* anything disrespectful. He never actually *did* anything more awful than shooting a dirty(!) look and slamming a door. Yet still SD was always 'nasty' to him. Truthfully, SD didn't actually *say* much either. Basically, the two of them just exchanged 'tones' and 'dirty looks' for 10 years, each complaining to me about the other. And it finally dawned on me that I never 'counted' what was not said or done -- even though I knew perfectly well that DS was being hateful. But SD did. He *knew* what those dirty looks meant, and I explained that to DS. Then all of sudden, DS realized that SD was absolutely right about what DS's dirty looks had meant, and that the looks and tone of voice he had received in response began to make perfect sense... That SD *did* 'count' those looks as disrespectful behavior (they were!) even if Mom didn't. That SD, as the recipient of the scorn didn't 'give points for self-control' the way Mom did. It was a 'light bulb moment' -- And DS began to realize that he hadn't exactly been an *innocent* victim...

So is everything all better now? No, of course not - but it's pretty good. SD knows he was surly and impatient, and DS knows he acted like a brat, and they both realize that the other is actually a pretty good person, though with a few flaws...

So what should YOU do to assure a decent outcome? It sounds to me like what you're doing is the right thing... Counseling. Patience. Continue to work on it. Urge Hubby not to take your DD's behavior personally, because it isn't actually about him -- it's about her. Acknowledge to him that she's in a really rough age, and that she WILL outgrow it and come out the other side as a rational and reasonable adult. And that you want her relationships to be intact (or at least reparable) when that happens.

I'd also urge you two to meet with the counselor *about* DD but *without* her being there so you could work on things without hurting her in the process. (Not being able to think of a single good thing? Ouch! And NOT nice. He should have made something up.)

It would be nice if they could call a truce and agree on a course of simple courtesy and respect -- one that specifically outlaws dirty looks (they do count) and nasty tones of voice (they hurt too).

My daughter went through some issues similar to your daughter when my daughter was in 11th grade. Not the exact same issues, but similar enough that I feel like I understand some of what you're going through. It's now 2 years later and my daughter is a freshman in college and things are much, much better.

Some of what your husband is going through is normal. If he was not a bit of a wild child as a teen, if none of his friends were, this may be way, way outside his comfort zone. I know it was way, way outside mine. Whoever above said he may be appalled by your daughter's actions may be right on target - I certainly felt that way. For him to feel that way is okay, he needs time to process those feelings and deal with them in an appropriate way.

Having said that, the way your husband is handling things now is entirely inappropriate. The way justmetoo put it was right on target - she needs a firm hand and guidance. But she doesn't need putdowns. She absolutely does not need isolation from her siblings or to be mocked or disparaged in front of her siblings.

Your daughter is having problems that many girls all over the U.S. have. Many of them turn out just fine, particularly if they have a stable home life with loving parents who handle the situation appropriately. Many of them straighten out their lives and have wonderful relationships with their parents later on. Please don't let your husband turn a temporary negative situation into a permanent one. I urge you to get some counseling for the two of you. Please don't let him disparage your daughter publicly or in front of her siblings. That whole thing about the bathroom is totally unacceptable and he should not be making comments like that no matter how disappointed he is that she ran away or is seeing a boy he doesn't like. He's the responsible, reasonable adult and he needs to act like one.

We got some counseling and the advice went like this - you are the parents and you need to set boundaries. Do not yell and scream (which we weren't doing, we don't tend to do that). Set the boundaries, name the consequences if they're broken, if the rules are broken then follow through and impose the consequences you said you would, stay calm and matter of fact.

I can tell you as a parent of young adults, it's not a good idea to get mad at teens about one thing and take it out on them some other way. If he's mad about the boy, he needs to keep his comments confined to issues about the boy, not back door the whole conflict by making snide comments about the bathroom. He needs counseling over this.

As a mom, you need to protect her from being the victim of her siblings and a pack mentality. Your job and your husband's job is to model love and respect. When one family member is going through tough times then we band together to help that person and love them. Love is not always sweet and gushy. Sometimes love is making them hang up their wet towel or have supervised visits with an inappropriate boyfriend. But love doesn't put down a troubled teen making a sweet gesture to her mom. Love affirms that troubled teen whenever she's making an effort to do the right thing.

My daughter had some extended family members act nasty to her and her boyfriend, and I saw that pack mentality turn on her in parts of the extended family. Somewhat like what you see in your husband, they were mean over entirely inappropriate things. I had to clearly stand up for my daughter and make sure she, her boyfriend, and everyone else understood that is not acceptable in a loving, supportive family. Boundaries are fine, consequences are fine, nastiness is not. People going through tough times need appropriate love, support, boundaries and consequences. If the adults in her life can't get on board with that, then they at least need to shut up and not sabotage your efforts.

Good luck. Many, many girls go through this and turn out to have wonderful relationships with their parents as adults. I can't tell you how many girls about 25 years old have told me how awful they acted as teens and how much they love their parents now.

Thank you everyone for your help & suggestions. I really do feel better now. I love that kid so much, regardless of what has happened and sometimes I feel that I'm all she's got. Her bio dad is around but emotionally unavailable to her & her siblings. I'm very protective of them and my husband knows this. He says I defend her way too much. Well you know what, you are CORRECT. I will defend her if I feel like she's being treating wrong. If I don't protect her, who is going to. NOBODY.

In my mind I've left my DH a hundred times already because of his negative attitude towards her. I've gone as far as already looking for somewhere else to live because I just get so tore up when I think about how it's effecting the family as a whole. I told him about this and he became so upset and said he couldn't believe that I would end our marriage because of DD15. I said if it ended it's because YOU refuse to change. I feel like he needs to make the effort because he's the adult. Like I had mentioned before my other children (esp DD14) have picked up some of the negativity from my DH and sometimes act like he does.

I'm worried for your daughter. Regardless of whether her behavior is mostly the cause of the tension, or whether your DH is much too hard on her, it sounds like the environment is very toxic for her. And if she feels isolated and alone at home, she will increasingly try to find comfort and "love" elsewhere.

Are their any other relatives she might be able to stay with for a while? I know many people who lived with grandparents, aunts, uncles or even older siblings for a summer or a year or two during their teenage years, and it seemed to really help them. I think sometimes it's just discovering that the grass is no greener elsewhere and that people who love you do tend to have rules and expectations. Might that be an option?

"he became so upset and said he couldn't believe that I would end our marriage because of DD15. I said if it ended it's because YOU refuse to change. I feel like he needs to make the effort because he's the adult. Like I had mentioned before my other children (esp DD14) have picked up some of the negativity from my DH and sometimes act like he does."

Would you argue with a man who was hitting your daughter?
Would you argue with a man who was hauling her into his car?

Why do you argue with a man who is browbeating your daughter, who is using her as a scapegoat, blaming her for everything that makes him unhappy?

They always pick one for the scapegoat, & the other children join in, & eventually the spouse or partner does it too...
& you're arguing with him about it & not doing anything.

Narcissists & abusers always blame everything on somebody else;
they're the people who beat the daylights out of their wives or girlfriends & say "I couldn't help it; she *provoked* me, she ran me crazy".

It was *her* fault.

The line about "walking out on your marriage" "just" because of your daughter means that he'll blame your daughter, not himself, if you leave.

I've noticed in the past that women tend to believe words, but men believe actions.

We'll talk & talk & talk & listen & listen & listen & we do not act, & men never pay attention.

They keep doing the same thing because they can;
they experience no consequences.

If you object to something, they just talk to you & it all goes away until the next time.
They never believe you'll leave until you leave.

& these things never get better & they never "level off";
if you *don't* get your daughter out of there, the scorn, the ridicule, the contempt, the spite, the humiliation will escalate;
emotional & verbal abuse leads to "pushing" & "shoving" & "a little tap" & on to hitting & beating & black eyes & broken bones & the emergency room & the police & child protective services & then it's too late.

If you cannot bring yourself to leave this poisonous male, at least take mattie's advice & get your daughter to some kind of safe house.

I wish you & your children the best.

Maybe he is feeling something for her that he doesn't feel for the other two, not a good feeling and he is trying to hide it by hurting her.

Even if I am wrong, it is a very serious situation and you should end it for your children's sake.

"I've noticed in the past that women tend to believe words, but men believe actions.
We'll talk & talk & talk & listen & listen & listen & we do not act, & men never pay attention."

Very true. Wise words --

"& these things never get better & they never "level off";
if you *don't* get your daughter out of there, the scorn, the ridicule, the contempt, the spite, the humiliation will escalate;
emotional & verbal abuse leads to "pushing" & "shoving" & "a little tap" & on to hitting & beating & black eyes & broken bones & the emergency room & the police & child protective services & then it's too late."

It is true that this is the pattern abusers typically follow. And you should be very alert to this POSSIBILITY. But that's ALL it is - a POSSIBILITY. It is NOT inevitable. Not everyone who has ever said things that would qualify as verbally abusive turns out to be an escalating abuser.

Talk to your husband. Acknowledge the hurtfulness of your daughter's actions. Acknowledge his right to be angry and frustrated. But then insist that he acknowledge his responsibilities as a parent -- to set a good example, to show unconditional love and acceptance, to forgive, to demonstrate patience and kindness, to model the kind of respect he wants to receive. Explain that while your daughter's behavior is causing some problems, that HIS behavior is ALSO causing problems -- scapegoating and retaliatory rudeness, and that he needs to accept responsibility for his own behavior.

State clearly that you will protect your daughter if you feel she needs protecting, because she is a child and you are her mother and that's the way things work: If he attacks, you will defend. If he wants you to stop defending, all he needs to do is stop attacking. Tell him that YOU will handle your daughter's rudeness Then DO it! (Immediately. Every Time. Kindly and respectfully. But also firmly.)

If Sylvia's right and he's an abuser, this won't do a bit of good of course. But if he's basically a decent guy who's just frustrated beyond the limits of his good behavior, then this may help... I hope it does.

Sweeby: the voice of reason :)