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Not sure how to respond to this...

Posted by lovehadley (My Page) on
Wed, Aug 5, 09 at 16:58

I have to admit, as usual, I am ticked at my hubby!

SS came back today after 5 days w/BM.

DH picked him up at noon, dropped him off with me at 1 pm, and went back to work for a bit.

In the car on the way to get DD from camp, SS tells me "my mom and dad are friends again. You are the only one that's angry." He wasn't mad or anything when he said it, just matter of fact. I didn't know what to say. I finally just said something along the lines of "well, I am not angry at anyone, but I just want things to be peaceful in our home."

?????

So then he says to me "I made a wish that you and my mom would be friends again." I just said "honey, that is not going to happen. We're not enemies but we are not going to be friends."

And then he said again "well why not, my mom and my dad are friends."

UGH.

I am sure this is BS that BM is feeding him. SS will ask at times "do you and my mom hate each other?" And DH always responds with "we both love you and try to get along to make good decisons for you."

But I am sure that BM told SS some BS about how she and DH are friends again. So guess who gets to be the bad guy? ME.

Thne he blows me out of the water by asking me why I had the police call his mom when she dropped off the present for him.

AUGHHHHHHH!!!! Why does she tell him these things? (That was a rhetorical question, I know exactly why she does.)

I told him that I wasn't angry or trying to get his mom in trouble, but that there are rules the police have to make sure things stay safe at our house and I just wanted to remind his mom about the rules. SS was actually okay with that and said yeah, he knew that.

I am mostly ticked w/hubby now because he IS all back to being friendly with BM. Takes her calls whenever she calls, is friendly, etc. I am NOT saying he should be angry at her or rude or hostile, but I also get sooooo irritated when he draws these boundaries and doesn't stick to them. How many times has he told her "no phone calls, all email" etc????

And he always goes right back to being friendly. It's not really friendly, but it is certainly more than cordial---and WAY nicer than just civil. He lets her back in every time. SO--of course she thinks they are "friends" again.

Thoughts on the matter?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Not sure how to respond to this...

Hugs and Hugs

I am not certain 5 YOs understand difference between friendly and cordial.

To me the bigger issue is Dad only spent an hour with him after not being there 5 days. IMHO, SS needs "decompression time" -- NOT to tell what is going on at other house, but to talk about how SS feels, what is going to be doing at this house, etc.


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RE: Not sure how to respond to this...

He's 7. But I know what you mean.

I don't expect him to know the difference between friendly and cordial. I just *know* that his mom is the one who told him that they are friends again. The way he repeated it to me sounded like verbatim---I could tell it was not his own thought, it was something someone (BM) had said to him.

I know. DH didn't really have a choice today, though--the car business is unpredictable. He had customers arriving at the airport at 2 pm today and he had to take the car to get the emissions testing done. He did take SS to McDonalds for lunch at noon, and spent time with him there. He did the best he could given the situation.

SS was supposed to be in soccer camp from 9-3 this week; he did it two weeks ago and had a BLAST. Was dying to do it again. We signed him up, paid for it, etc. Well, over the weekend, BM "decided" that it was too far of a drive for her. So DH said "fine, I will come pick him and up and do all the transportation."

Then BM had SS call and he was very sad/negative sounding and just said he didn't want to do it again, it was too far, to long to ride in the car, etc. DH was shocked and reminded him how much fun he'd had, and how he BEGGED us to sign him up again. SS just said yeah, he did have fun, but didn't want to do it again.

So it's not entirely DH's fault that he couldn't be with SS this afternoon. He had planned his week with the idea that SS would be in soccer camp.

I don't know what BM's deal was with the camp.


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Hadley

I didnt mean it was anyone's fault, and the fact is you really cant stop the mother from saying this type of stuff.

Maybe someone else has better suggestions. I supsect when school starts, SS will be focused on that. Good luck.


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parenting plan

I wanted to add, too, that the noon pickup is something DH doesn't like at all.

It is very, very hard for him to get away from work in the middle of the day to get SS at noon. It would be easier if it were 8 AM and he could just go in a bit late, or if it were 5 pm or something.

The problem is, the noon pickup is not really supposed to be for the summer schedule. The noon idea is meant more for days off school---like, say SS is off on a Monday, rather than have to get picked up early, a noon pickup gives him time with each parent.

For the summer, BM and DH are supposed to be doing a 2 week by 2 week schedule. BUT neither of them wanted to do that intially and by the time DH decided to go by the plan, it was halfway through the summer, and too late.

Does that make sense? Next summer will be better b/c SS will only transition once every 2 weeks, not at noon every few days.


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RE: Not sure how to respond to this...

I am not suprised. BM sounds like a master manipulator. Has ss asking you why only dh is "friends" with her. Has ss saying he does not like an activity that he did like. None of this will change. Your reaction was great!

As for dh I do not think you will change his behavior with his ex either. For your own sanity you need to ignore it and ignore any drama that he faces as a result of his behavior. If he complains to you say something like "well what did you think was going to happen when you started allowing endless phone calls again??"

Do what is best for you (like going to the police when dh did not like the idea).


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RE: Not sure how to respond to this...

I think you handled it great. I feel so bad for the little guys when they are put in the middle of stuff like that. My skids mom was like that too and 10x worse. It was awful, and you can't change them. She is still like that to this day. I am just very happy we have not had to deal with her.


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RE: Not sure how to respond to this...

of course mom tells him things, but just say serenity prayer, you can't change her. and you cannot change your DH. as about SS he is too young to understand and he probably becomes more and more co-dependent on his crazy mom.

as about custody arrangement, i don't understand how can it say pick up at noon if the person works. i could never pick anyone up at noon unless it is during summer break. they don't want 2 week arrangment so now they stuck wiht something that does not work for anyone. who does it work for? no one.

you handled it great. i also believe your DH needs to tell BM to not discuss adult issues with the kid. nobody tells this woman anything, you are the only one who takes care of business, good job.

i also think that maybe next time if SS asks about police tell him that it is between adults and nothing to do with him.

kids ask bizzare stuff. My niece who is 7 asked me (she was 6 when she asked) why i have two husbands when people do not suppose to have 2 husbands. Mind you i have none! after some questioning I found out that she thought of DD's father (exhusband whom she doesn't even know that well) and my current BF (whom she does know very well) but whom i am not married to. I told my SIl and my brother and of course they never ever told her anything of the sort, she just made her own faulty observations. Kids say weird stuff. Don't let it bug you.

and i don't get it why your DH still talks to her instead of emailing. she punched you, good enough reason to not talk on the phone. yeah... say serenity prayer, cannot change anything here, just keep doing what you doing. you are doing great here.


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RE: Not sure how to respond to this...

"just say serenity prayer, you can't change her"

This is really good advice, fd. It's totally true--I cannot change anyone but myself. SO--I need to change my reactions.

Kids do say the weirdest things! My DD said that to me one time about me having two husbands. I said "no, DH is my only husband." She said "no, what about _____?" (her bio-dad, she knows his name.) I said, "oh, he was not my husband." She thought b/c we had a baby (her) together that we must have been married. HAHA, love the innocence of kids!

My DD also said to my mom at Grandparents' Day at school---in front of my dad (my mom's ex-husband) and my mom's new husband, "Grandma, look, both your husbands are here!"

HAHAHAHAHA. LOVE IT.

Back to the OT, DH has said to SS on numerous occasions that he doesn't need to worry about grown-up issues like the police, that his job is to be a kid, etc. It's tough, though, when BM dumps adult information on him and then DH and I are kind of forced to explain. He has told BM over and over and over not to talk about those kinds of things with SS...it doesn't matter....I swear, she cannot control what comes out of her mouth!


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