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Just about done

Posted by momof3_stepof1 (My Page) on
Thu, Aug 11, 11 at 16:52

I got up this morning and drove to the school to get a copy of my ss birth certificate and his social security card. BM has the originals of both those and we were never given a copy... school got them when he switched. School knows me because of my other two kids... so don't be going and having any fits here. Dh gives me full authority to do whatever.... so does BM... seeing that she asks me to do everything anyway.

I then drove these copies to my dh at work with the application for Title IV D. I asked him nicely to please please please call them today. We all know it takes time to get this going. Wage garnishment won't happen overnight. He then says he has to "research" how they enforce child support. OMG!!!! I told him... they either wage withhold or they tax intercept. AND... I told him it didn't matter if it was lethal injection, it still needed done. She isn't paying.

Ok... I know people... BUT... I have gone through this all before with ds11 sperm donor. Once they get away with not paying they just won't. As of tomorrow it's 11 weeks. In this time she's bought the new car, went to water park after water park, bought stupid expensive shoes, a stupid expensive cell phone, promised "magic mountain" for his birthday next month. It's all the "fun" things. While I went out and bought school supplies and clothes and school book fees.... and football registration this Saturday. PLUS... I (YES ME) get to drive the 2 1/2 hour drive this Saturday to pick him up. DH has to work and told her that... she asked for ME to do it. I'm ready to tell my dh... NOPE, I'm NOT doing it. I have to pay my hard earned money for gas to go pick him up. She hasn't paid a dime in over 2 months... why can't she just bring him all the way? Because heaven forbid we upset the little princess.

My dh sent me a text message today because the three kids at home went through three boxes of cereal allready this week and 2 bunches of bananas. He thinks we each need 2nd jobs. Well.... lets see. We'd be ok if I hadn't went and spent all that money on ss.... or if we'd just get the little bit she owes us. He is always complaining that we are broke yet he won't say... "when can I expect this payment?".... cause again... can't upset her. But me... who the f cares.

My kids suffer in the end cause we always have to work around her and her schedule or her non payment. DH expects me to stand up to ds16's bd... but he won't budge and call the damn office to get an intake appointment. I've already put up with 10 years of her... I don't think I can continue.

Just knowing that she's ruined everything we fixed in the last year over the past 7 weeks has me a mess. I'm sure ss will come back with attitude and selfishness. OMG.... I'm just done.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Just about done

Now YOU have to get a 2nd job? Why YOU? He is the one not pushing for CS. It is understandably you have 4 kids, only 2 are his right? But to my knowledge one of your kids get CS and for the other one you attempted to get CS, so you do what you could.

Unless DH does what he could, HE should be the one to get 2nd job. To all honesty you said he makes less than 15 an hour, it is a low salary, I make WAY more yet am in debt and only have one child and she is an adult. I don't know how anyone can support 4 kids with 30K a year, maybe you make way more. Otherwise HE might have to get a 2nd job. Every penny of CS is important for you two.

Is DH underpaid due to bad economy or he does not have training/education? Maybe he needs to look for a better job? More schooling? I know the issue is lack of responsibility on BM's part not his salary. But what if you cannot get money out of her?

Honestly 4 bunches of bananas between 3 kids and two adults is nothing, I eat banana a day and go through a bunch myself. And most of my life I worked two/three jobs, and have a side job now.

i hope DH buckles up and pursues CS for SS. Not your job really.


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RE: Just about done

PO1, that was rude. She's already told us she and husband work tons of overtime. While the actual per hour wage based on a routine 40 hours week is low, add all the hours actually worked up and apply the time and a half or more to it and the family makes well over 30,000.

The lady has a family of six...try raising that on triple 30,000 a year and you'd find things are still a bit tight.

But moving on...Mom3's DH is being a jerk. So fine, he wants to 'research it. Hand hand some web sites concerning the laws and ways of Indiana and tell him start qucik because 11 weeks is sufficient enough time already to have looked into it.

I'm curious, Mom3, do you happen to live in one of the counties in Indiana that not only state and federal tax your income but also smack on the county income tax? It's none of my business (and no, don't tell me where you live) but I wondered when I read your posting on the 20% CS thing in another thread. Was the amount ordered BM to pay short due to extra income taxes on earnings? Curious if now that she does not live in that county and actual even a different state if her CS could be reviewed as to taxes now paid in that state?


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RE: Just about done

Yes, DH makes $14.90 a year but he does get a ton of overtime.... but not every paycheck. He also gets a car/phone allowance and a housing allowance. The housing pays about 2/3 of our house payment. I make decent money.... it's random depending on the shift I work. I am a float so I have to be available 24/7... if I work night/weekend shift it's $4.60 more an hour. So.... if I work a night/weekend my check is quite a bit more. BUT... I'm the one who pays for insurance plus I took out $6000 this year in flex spending to pay for ds11's braces. Plus I have elected to have car insurance through a deal with work... so that comes out. So... my paychecks are kinda small. :).... Except when I work odd hours and long hours. Which btw... the nights KILL ME!

JMT.... I did send him emails today with links about Indiana law that it be income withheld. It's law here so I don't know why bm thinks she's exempt. Though she seems to think most laws don't apply to her.

Also, Yes, I live in a county that taxes us. I live in one of the college towns... so my property taxes are OUTRAGEOUS as well. My home cost me $146k but elsewhere it might only be $125K. Everything here is more expensive... but the schools are amazing. My kids excel here so I wouldn't want to take them from that. The only thing I can think of that made bm's support lower is that she wasn't working at time of court.... so they may have modified it based on that. IDK.... she has the ability to earn and she is only a mother of one. Our support here is based on gross income... so I don't think the taxes will have much to do with it. I don't really even care to have her support raised... I just want what she's ordered to pay paid.

I worked for three weeks with dh while he took a new position... which hopefully will be higher paid soon. That helped me this week with all the extra school expenses but I'm still starting to feel a stretch. I need her to pay that payment. Or I mean... payments.

I know dh doesn't like speaking to bm at all.... but it's his duty to get her to support their child. It's not fair to my ss or to my other kids. BTW... dh doesn't want me to proceed with getting support from ds11 sperm donor... he wants full responsibility for him.. as his father. So... really dh has 3 that he claims as his. Plus... we've always kinda threw our money in together and paid for things as they're needed.... it's not my money your money paying for my kid/his kid. BUT... this week I do feel that I'm the one supporting ss. NOT BM!! That's why I'm so upset. If she went away forever and just never showed up again and I could adopt ss like dh will adopt ds11 maybe I'd feel different. As it is though I'm "just" the sm who's dishing out all the extra duties/money.


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RE: Just about done

If I read you right, it's that DH won't stand up for the family. He is more concerned about BM than he is about you. Who cares if SM gets upset?

I'd be ticked too.

And I go through a bunch of bananas a week myself.


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justmetoo

what the heck justmetoo, in a bad mood last night or post without reading? I did not say that momof3 needs to be doing anything differently or that she needs to be getting a second job. Momof3 does everything she could.

DH has a low paid job and does not pursue CS from his ex, yet he tells SM to get a second job. I feel for her. Heck DH does not do what he needs to be doing and piles everything on SM. Interesting how you are so concerned that I am rude to him LOL (he is not even posting here LOL). I don't really care if I am rude to him, he is rude to his family.

I don't know if you generally think men should have minimal or any responsibility while women have to carry the entire load even when a kid is not theirs!!!


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momof3

"but it's his duty to get her to support their child. It's not fair to my ss or to my other kids."

exactly, but if he cant or wont pursue CS then HE needs to go and get a second job, not you

"I'm "just" the sm who's dishing out all the extra duties/money." yes it seems DH is perfectly fine with you driving, spending, working nights etc, yet BM hasn't even been working until recently. Unfair.


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RE: Just about done

It is all so unfair.... I know my MIL wasn't like this with his dad. She made him support those kids. He was on disability but she still took him in and got support for them. She also made him see them. My dh's bd had 3 kids with first wife.... 3 kids with 2nd wife.... and 4 kids with mil. He didn't have anything to do with first 6 kids. He thanked mil before he died for "making" him stay a dad to them.... or somewhat a dad to them...

My dh is so afraid of making sm mad. I don't get it. WHY?!?!?! He could care less if I'm mad. He wouldn't even let me cry the other day when I had that fight over the phone with ds16's dad. UGH! Then of course he wouldn't go anywhere near ds16's bd at pick up. BUT I have to pick up ss tomorrow all alone.... and speak to the woman I haven't spoke a word to in a year.

Anyway.... he won't do this... get wage withholding setup. His brother, my bil, won't even make his ex pay a dime at all. He says he just wants his daughter. BIL also just gives his ex the tax deduction every other year... even though his ex isn't paying ANYTHING. He also lets her get away with having 10 hour visits every other month.

That BIL's ex.... is my other BIL's ex also. I KNOW.... Jerry Springer! Anyway... That BIL didn't fight for his rights till his new wife came into the picture either. Now... that BIL fought back hard. She made him overpay $8000 in support... he took her back to court and she's been ordered to pay it back.. They are taking her this year for tax intercept because she hasn't paid. (I let them in on the secret that older BIL gives her the deduction every other year... so they'll get a chunk)

I just don't understand why men are so bull headed and don't try harder to make these deadbeat women take care of their responsibility. In the end it's NOT really better for the kids. If my MIL had not been on top of getting their bd to care for them... they wouldn't have known him. BUT talking to these guys is like talking to a brick wall.


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RE: Just about done

No, PO1, I can read just fine. --"Is DH underpaid due to bad economy or he does not have training/education? Maybe he needs to look for a better job? More schooling?"--

You implied that Mr Mom3 could just change it all if he was not under educated and underpaid.

Jobs are not that easy to come by, higher paying jobs are not a dime a dozen. Additional schooling and/or training take money (which is what Mom3 is currently having troubles with).

--"I am working 46 hours this week, dh worked 45 just yesterday, has to work 10-12 hours today and another 8 tomorrow. That's plenty of OT for us, plus his pt girl just quit... so guess who's going in to work. That'd be me. "-- (from previous thread)"--

Just how much more time in one week do you think either one of them can put in? See any spare time during actual business hours where schools/training faculities would be open and available to attend? Are they free and/or funded by employer?

Yes, Dh needs to get the forms filled out and turned in, he needs to be informing BM she will have to help with transportation and he needs to stop assuming Mom3 will just stand up and do everything everybody else does not want to (or are able to do) ...but Mom3 and Mr Mom3 can not just wave some magic wand make more hours in a week, demand higher wages, or get instant degrees in their hands.

Except for not filling out forms to assure child support payments will be made, I don't see what either Mom3 or Mr Mom3 can do to instantly grow a money tree and improve anything in a fast timely manner. I indeed found it rude to imply these people aren't working their butts off (BOTH OF THEM) and doing the best they can in the immediate timeframe and are able to do.


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RE: Just about done

Momof3, I don't understand the way some people think. Must be frustrating.

FDH allowed BM to do all kind of crap just to avoid arguments. But then again I did not make my ex to pay for things other women make their exes pay for because I just did not want to deal with him.

But the difference is your DH is not single as I was. If he was by himself then it is his business to pursue CS or not, but in your situation he makes YOU to pay for things and YOU take 2nd jobs. How frustrating.

Same as your BIL's ex, BM also claimed YSD on taxes (to all honesty only once) even though YSD did not live with her and BM did not contribute ANYTHING, she knew she will get away with it because FDH would not pursue legal actions. How convenient.

Well how about you do not pick up SS? Your DH does not pick DS up, so why do you? Could you find a reason not to pick him up? Not to punish DH but kind of show him that he can't make you to be responsible for everything.


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RE: Just about done

Momof3 I really want to help you and I've read INDIANA child support guidelines to try to figure out a loop or why it's not higher or if I can find a way to help but I'm not seeing anything. I have a few suggestions but not sure how helpful.

First of all, you are VERY frustrated and you need some down time for sure girl. This is really going to frustrate you. If YOU are paying for SS health insurance from your payroll, it CANNOT be included in child support calculator in INDIANA. It specifically states if neither parent is actually paying for the healthcare then it cannot be used to adjust the child support calculator. So YOU as stepmom paying from your payroll will not allow HIM to take the credit. Now if you pay out of your joint bank account then yes DH is 'paying' but if it is your payroll, Dh is not paying.

I also don't mean to frustrate you when I say this, but you are so bitter period about child support. Most of your posts are about what one person has or what this mom spends her money on or what you aren't able to buy because of this situation ... I know how you feel. But it can't be good for you. You have to accept the situation or move on. You are going to drive yourself insane.

A lot of your posts seem just very bitter and I hope you'll just take a deep breath and relax a little. I am not saying you don't have the right to feel that way but its just not healthy for you.

I understand why you Dh doesn't want to upset BM so I won't point fingers at him for it. I'm letting my ex get away with A LOT right now because I just don't want the fight. So I see where he is coming from.
You are enabling him by being available to pick up SS. You are allowing yourself to feel this way by doing everything. You don't have to go get SS. Not at all. Make other plans. But ... Let me guess your answer would be 'I do it for my family, for my DH' but your enabling him. Can't have it both ways...
No one manipulates us. We allow ourselves to be manipulated.
We allow it by enabling the behavior that frustrates us. ;)


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RE: Just about done

Honestly myfampg.... if bm would just pay the darn support and help out with the extra curriculars the same way she expected dh to then I wouldn't care what else she was doing with her money. I just want her to treat us the way she expected to be treated when she was the custodial parent. I don't care if the support gets raised... if I did I would've taken ss16's bd back a long time ago. I just want them to take care of their responsibility.

BM did NOTHING BUT upset us for years.... I don't understand why he cares about upsetting her. All he has to do is fill out the paperwork. Then if she calls when she gets notice he can simply allow it to go to voicemail or ignore the texts. It's a law in our state that it must be withheld from income. There's not really much she can legally complain about.

I am going to pick up ss tomorrow only because dh has to work and ss and ds11 have both been invited to a pool party together later in the day. I have been told by one of those parents that if ss isn't there I get to explain it to his kid.... lol! After this I'll tell dh that I will not be doing the transportation until he gets the support under control. The legal and right way.


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RE: Just about done

Hey myfampg.... I thought id let you know I'm chilling out with some margaritas tonight. So don't worry about me stressing out going insane.... at least not for tonight. Lol! Maybe ill throw in a cupcake too. ;)


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RE: Just about done

I had a margarita tonight and passed out in the car on the way home. Such a great role model for my kids!! Lol my Dh said I snored! Lol I'm going to bed now I just can't hold my ritas anymore!


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RE: Just about done

"if bm would just pay the darn support and help out with the extra curriculars the same way she expected dh to then I wouldn't care what else she was doing with her money. I just want her to treat us the way she expected to be treated when she was the custodial parent."

My DH & I just had this discussion as money is getting tight. Business has slowed & he works on commission that has also dropped, plus the health insurance we pay is kinda high (IMO). I have two adult kids living with us & raising my DGS2 while my oldest son (his daddy) is stationed on the East Coast. DH, feeling stressed over the finances... especially with back to school time (SD12 is the only kid needing back to school stuff)... so DH came at me a couple of weeks ago, telling me that my kids need to pay up (as we agreed) for staying there. I retorted that SD's BM should also "pay up". She hasn't paid a penny in over a year. His answer to me was BM isn't going to pay anyway... so he didn't want to bother even asking her. I about came unglued. He wants ME to hound my kids (21 & 22) but he won't hound the mother of his 12 year old? Pfff.

Well, I simply refused to let it go. I did talk to (not hound) my kids & by the end of the day, I had $600 towards what they owe. So, when I got home I had a talk with DH & asked him how he can allow his daughter to go without because her mother does not want to pay? He said he didn't want to deal with her & since he knows she won't pay, why bother? So, I asked him how he felt when a creditor calls him when a payment is late, or when the school tells him he has to pay something NOW? He said he hates to get any call from someone asking him for money. So, I told him that he NEEDS to make BM dread his phone calls... make her feel like she's being a horrible mother, because SHE IS. Neglecting your child's needs, just because you don't want to pay... but you can afford the things YOU want... does make her a horrible mother. I reminded him of how we have worked 7 days a week for the last year or more... 10 hour days, except Sunday... he works 7 hours but then drives 6 hours to get SD, while her mother won't even drive here to get her. Yet, during the summer BM went camping several times & spent two weeks on a houseboat. She enjoys life without a care in the world... always on someone elses dime. But the funny/ironic part is that BM has paid ME a few times, like when I bought SD the 2nd set of PE clothes after BM said she would buy them but never did... or when I called her from the dentist & told her SD needed fillings & I could pay up front but only if she agreed to pay me back the next week. Of course, she hasn't paid the other doctor bills for routine care that I have paid. Maybe she paid because it was discussed beforehand... but there's been an order in place for 3 years, requiring her to pay half of SD's medical bills & she refuses, regardless of who paid them up front. I guess my point is that I believe she paid because I made her feel like I thought she is a bad mom or obligated to me and she is afraid of me?

Your DH needs to find whatever it is that drives her... guilt? Fear? The desire to be seen as a good person? But he should not back down & let her skate. He needs to stand up for his DD & her right to be supported.

BTW, 10 days ago DH did ask BM for $$$. BM whined of how tough things are because she has a baby to support, how she can't sleep at night, blah blah blah. He told her she had SD to support BEFORE she had this new baby & she probably slept just fine on the houseboat & while camping. So BM promised to pay $158 when she got her check the next day... so far, DH has received nothing. So, he is going to text hear again tomorrow... and hopefully call too. It finally sunk in with him that he NEEDS to bug the heck outta her. At least if nothing else, she will hopefully dread her phone ringing.


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RE: Just about done

Thank you for understanding Ima... looks like you are for sure in the same place I am. I can't believe your dh would demand payment from your children but not his dd mother. That's just wrong!

I thought about telling her "boy, they're really cracking down here in Indiana.... ds11 sperm donor is currently calling blahblah county jail home for non payment".... but I didn't... I only actually said 2 words to her. "That's fine"... when she said she had to put all his stuff in a box cause the bags wouldn't hold it. I then walked away from her and got back in my truck. I haven't spoken to her in a year and don't plan to play nicey nice now. Especially since when ss got out of her vehicle... his hair was a complete disaster. He hadn't had it cut all summer! He looked homeless, it was long and sticking up EVERYWHERE! I would have been totally embarrassed to pass my kid off like that. We went straight home to pick up dh and drove to Great Clips for hair cuts. My kids didn't really need them but since school starts tomorrow I went ahead and had them cleaned up. (BTW... ss has a double colic on the crown of his head... so when his hair gets so long it stands straight up like a chicken head.. that's how bad it is... and it was a good 3 inches long. We keep it cut finger width)

So... on the way home my ds11 and ss were chatting it up hard core. I LOVE that they are like best friends now. :) SS said that he really missed ds11 cause bm's new ss is so aweful. He said that one night that kid wanted to play ss's xbox... ss only took 1 controller so he couldn't play with him.. (I knew nothing of this when he left)... that kid decided to punch my ss in the face. SS then got up and pushed that kid back into the TV, he hit his head and had a huge bump.... said he just went away crying. No one got into any trouble. He said his new sd won't discipline that kid what so ever and his bm is NOT allowed to do or say anything to him. He said that kid has ruined many many computers from stepping on them or pouring pop on them. NOTHING gets done.

SS also said his back hurt from sleeping on the couch the WHOLE time he was there... that's 7 weeks. I asked if he didn't have a bed and he said no... the couch is vinyl and his mom wants him to sleep there cause it's easier to clean up when he wets. OMG! I didn't comment. SS was going on and on... I promise... I didn't ask many questions... only about that other kid getting in trouble and if his mom hates that. She does. I doubt this relationship will last like this. I'd have left LONG ago.

He also then went into .... "I'm NOT supposed to tell you this.... and I stayed quiet just waiting... but sd got a promotion and they are probably going to move to either Texas or L.A." I then asked him if they thought he was going with them and he said No way. That she said she'd just buy him plane tickets every year. I would LOVE for her to just be gone!! BUT.. I am NOT helping to pay for plane tickets because she decided to yet again go further from her son. PLUS... she better believe I will get dh to sign those papers. This move plus her not paying makes me think she's trying to get away with it.

We got home and he had that new phone, UGLY CHEAP looking $105 shoes, an expensive back pack... with a headband to match... yeah, like he needed any of that. Shoes, yes, backpack, yes, BUT NOT expensive ones. He's 10 white tennis shoes are going to be ruined as fast as she bought them. Then he had 2 abercrombie shirts. Yes, it's nice she FINALLY bought some clothes... but it DID NOT have to be shirts that cost $30 a piece. She better believe we are not giving up the $616 she owes just because she wanted to be a hero. I told my dh I feel like something just isn't right. I really do feel like she's going to take off and not pay.... and MAYBE not come back for him. IDK....

She also sent him home with ANOTHER picture of the two of them in a frame. I found it sitting on the tv stand. It's AWEFUL of her. Just like the last one. HORRIBLE! The last one dh threw behind the tv...so when ss was outside I put this one in the same spot. I know... it's not nice but he shares a room with ds11 and I know he doesn't want that in there. My son doesn't have a picture of his dad at my house either... because his dad has more respect then that. I'm thinking about blowing up a picture of dh and having it put on a tshirt so ss can wear that the next time he goes with her. HAAHAHAHAHAHA!! Dh hates pictures of himself and would never allow it but it's a funny idea.

SS and ds8 both said they didn't miss each other but were inseperable that first day. They were so wound up it was driving me and dh nuts. I told ss he had to take ds8 with him next time.... he said at least I'd be allowed to torture him there. That's what kind of structure they have there... one where a kid knows he can cause pure chaos and it's ok. NICE!

The BIG busy time for my dh ends today at work. He said he'd take care of those forms Tuesday. I'm telling you... if he doesn't. I'm laying down some serious threats.


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RE: Just about done

I know you're kidding and the pic on a shirt is a 'funny' idea.

My daughters room has several pictures of her dad and grandparents. Even one of stepmom and stepsister. It is good to encourage a healthy relationship. Even if you feel it's not healthy, your Dh could 'encourage' it. My ex does those types of things. Wants to send pictures of them but won't allow Dd to have a pic of us. Hides them, puts them in a spot she will forget about after a while.

I bought Dd three abercrombie shirts this weekend for school. $7 on clearance ... They are getting rid of their summer stuff.

Also bought Dd $65 nikes for $24.99. Also on sale and had a coupon.

I'm a huge sale shopper.

Old navy has their t shirts for $4

Imma- I agree with you standing up to DH about your kids and BM...
It's ridiculous how people think they can just get away but even more ridiculous that your Dh doesn't want to deal with her to force her to support her kid. I get that he doesn't want to deal with her but at some point gotta put your big boy pants on and make the call. Annoy her until she either pays or dreads to see his name pop up. And then she will choke up some money because she is tired of hearing from him. This is the tactic that bill collectors use every day ;)


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RE: Just about done

We absolutely do encourage him to have a good relationship with her... to be good for her and so on... I just do not want her pictures in my house. My dh doesn't either. When the first one came home I was the first one to notice and throw a fit... I told him I'd go find a picture of ds16's dad to blow up and let him have. He didn't like that at all... so he understood. I have to force ss to call his mom on her birthday. I'm the only one who remembers it... just cause it's 3 days after mine. We really do encourage the relationship, it's just the pictures are unnecessary. She never allowed pictures of us in her home... she'd tell my dh to send only pictures of ss, leave us out of them. So.... just another thing she's being a hypocrite about.

I am also a very big sale shopper... IF I even bother to go to abercrombie... I go in and ONLY look for the clearance items. NO WAY will I pay full price or even just sale price for their stuff. Maybe this weekend after I get paid again I'll go look for my three one..... So we don't look like one kid is spoiled and the other three get the rest.

SS said the shoes rang up at over $110.... after taxes. So no bargain there. She's NOT a sales shopper... obviously, she spent $120 on a phone I got for $1. We went to Finish Line for our shoes... my ds11 got Puma's for $59.98 but had to work off the $9.98, they were regular $85.... then the other kid got Jordan's for $49.99, regular $85... plus I had a coupon for $20 off $100. BUT I had to get shoe cleaner and a shirt for ds16. The shoe cleaner for the WHITE shoes.

I was so mad I had to go to Target for school supplies. Walmart is usually so much better with that stuff but I HATE our Walmart. Students from the college take it over and I refuse to go there. The parking lot looks like Christmas and there's even a mile line turn lane on the road to get there. It's AWFUL!


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RE: Just about done

As there seems to be a Walmart on every other street corner (LOL) I usually drive over to one of the ones that is not so busy. I live out in the boonies anyway so another ten or twenty miles does not make that big of a thing for me. I look at it as me saving a bit of gas or me seriously wanting to do road rage (cart rage too LOL). I also like to go to the close one at like 6am on Sunday mornings. Hardly a soul to bother me and the stock people are a dime a dozen trying to get stuff done so they can leave giving me plenty of people who I can ask to help find what I need (ok, I'm assertive, I have no problem asking a stock person to go dig through the backroom).

I do get the picture thing but it's never been a problem with my family. GS has his own computer and loads tons of pics on it and so does not feel a need to plaster pics around his room. GS's SM would never say a thing I know to GS if he had a pic of his BM in room but I kow full well it would bite at her. She does have a bit of an issue though she's working on it. He also has a couple photo albums in his room at Dad's. GS's BM has framed photos for GS of he and his dad and put them in his room herself. Somethings bother people while it does not others I guess. I would think it depends on everything else going on between the parents and how well they all get along. But I do 'get' that having a lady/guy who spends his waking hours annoying me and/or dodging their child duty hanging around my house 'smiling' at me would bite.

I found a few things at Kohl's during their sales. Between clearance and sales and then I had a coupon for another 30% off the clearance and/or sale price if I used my Kohls card. I always use my Kohl card for times like that and then immediately make a payment on the card at cashier for the same amount I just 'charged' on the card.

I'm really glad for Mom3 that her DH has decided he will go down and file whatever it is he has to do to start the CS enforcement. Even if the lady never pays a dime in a short timeframe I think it will help Mom3 with just knowing DH is finally taking it seriously. Don't want to upset BM? I really can't understand that one. I do get not wanting to fight with her verbally or especially face to face, but that is what the filing should do...relieve him of fighting with her and the system does the 'fighting' by removing the amount via garnishment or whatever.

With BM planning to move again though, does that not mean she will be jobless again very soon? With her unemployment compensation emptied and quitting a job again to move maybe she will have a bit more incentive to quickly look for work this time with the filed legal papers in place hanging over her? Does she have any property besides her new car (and including her new car) that a lien could be slapped on? That might make her take her mother duty seriously. Still would not give any immediate cash but would assure Dh gets some money before she could sale the item/s or trade them off.


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RE: Just about done

SS has a phone and an IPOD touch... he can take as many pictures of his mom on those as he wishes. It's not my fault if it brakes them though. LOL!!!

JMT.... I WISH what I said about him doing that today was truth. I have emailed him twice today about it and he's ignoring me. I know that means he's not doing it. I'm getting really really ticked off. I agree 100%, this would take all communication of support from them. She has a job... the state takes the money and gives it to dh. She doesn't have a job.... the state goes after her for nonsupport after 30 days. Pretty simple.

The only property bm has is her new car. She doesn't own a home anymore and I doubt she will. Her new dh, from what I hear, doesn't have very good credit. I'm guessing she doesn't either anymore because of her time unemployed. Then again.... maybe that's how she just bought all this stuff. IDK. BUT... the lean on the car is a good idea. It takes a long while for that to happen though. (DS11 Sperm donor has mentioned to me that he'll never buy anything in his name due to that fact.... some of them just know... :( booo!)


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RE: Just about done

Momof3!! You're going to push your hubby away. Don't nag!

Stop providing and being at his needs if he doesn't follow through with the paperwork. Is there by chance something going on that he would not want filing to expose???


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RE: Just about done

Actually myfampg..... my last email stated "by ignoring me and NOT doing this paperwork/calling for the intake appointment, I feel like you two agreed on something you aren't willing to tell me.... or that you don't want me to know".... that's EXACTLY what I'm thinking. What in the world is he so afraid of? Why is he NOT worried about her paying this support? MMMHhhhmmmmmm That's what I think and I'm not putting up with it.


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RE: Just about done

So last night we had to go to a parent meeting for ss class. DH walked in and sat down. He immediately told me that tomorrow (today) he was going to go ahead and call the support office to setup the appointment. He said he had texted bm and asked her about her support payments and she told him that her job had a wait period and that she wouldn't be able to pay anything till the first of NEXT month. Ok... she was getting unemployment and she just spent a butt load of money. So I call BS! Plus... who really has to wait a month to get paid? And anyone that does doesn't go out a blow a HUGE chunk on unnecessary stuff. I was right.... she is going to continue to come up with one excuse after another and my dh FINALLY sees it. I didn't nag him much after he told me about it. I just asked that he make the appointment so that I can go with him. (I'm the one with a calendar that keeps track of all the payments, they'll need it) He's just so worried that they're going to tell her that he filed. I told him to ask them to just state that it's state law... cause it is. He was ok with that. Personally I think they probably will state that he filed but I'm not telling him that right now. This needs done. I just cannot believe she's going to go 3 months without so much as one weeks payment being sent. She really does believe she can just control my dh no matter what, and this right now is her way of doing so.

Right now ss inhaler is gone and he needs another. The copay for just that is $34. I'm broke till tomorrow and he has practice tonight. I'm gonna have to figure out a way to get it cause he has to have it. He had an attack last night at football. Then he completely shut down and dh had to push him back on the field... he went after not listening 5 times... and he walked. UGH!! (We treated the attack with the last of the inhaler, he was fine) Then when we got home dh told him to shower. I got home after cause I ran to the store. I asked him if he had showered and he said no, he's hungry. I was like... I have the food here.. you had plenty of time for a shower. Did dad tell you to take one? He said yes. Then I told dh there's a lot of not listening going on here. He said he just discussed that with him... and I said... looks like that worked, he just didn't listen again. He told him to get up there and power shower and he did. UGH!!!! 7 weeks of no discipline and now we get to fix it. Just wonderful!


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RE: Just about done

Mom of 3, I've had jobs where I was paid once a month - but you are correct; when I started them and knew it would be a long stretch the belts were tightened immediately and spending became very strict and necessities only (and CS is a necessity - it is a legal obligation.)

There's something going on with your DH. Is his ex maybe so completely whacky and emotionally abusive that he'd rather deal with your complaints and unhappiness than possible verbal attacks that he fears from her? I know that some people who were married to really emotionally abusive people can have post-traumatic stress and your DH might be trying to protect his mental health by desperately avoiding confrontation with her. But there's another way to go about that - DH needs to stop allowing her to behave that way (if she is). If she screams at him about CS he must say no more than it is a legal obligation and not open for discussion and then hang up. And not answer when she calls back. It sounds to me like DH has been so "trained" to act as if he's at her beck and call he doesn't really understand that he no longer is - he's got primary custody, he's not with her anymore, he simply doesn't have to put up with it.


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RE: Just about done

Mattie.... I warned my dh just the other day that something was up with her.. she keeps coming up with new excuses not to pay. I don't care if she really doesn't get paid till then, she should have paid her support before taking ss to see three movies, going to a HUGE arcaid place, going to waterparks everyday, going to the zoo, buying shoes that were $105, buying a new unnecessary cell phone, etc. I realize that she needs to do some things with him and buy him some things but she went to extremes. Plus, when she had custody she would throw a fit not getting it like this even if we had done all the above. When she had custody we had to do those kind of things around paying her.

Dh and bm were never married. They weren't even together. In the beginning he was afraid of her taking time away from him for not complying with her every demand. Last summer when he persued custody was the first time I EVER saw him stand up to her. I think he is scared of her because his ex-sil destroyed his two brothers. He saw what she did and didn't want to EVER go through that so he's always just given bm what she wanted. I don't understand it now though. He does have custody, he has control. Last October when she texted and gave him up she was refusing to go back to court. Well, our lawyer already had the court date on Monday morning when my dh called her to tell her he had him and what happened. Court was scheduled for that Thursday. When BM found out she immedietly blamed dh for it... even though it was out of his hands, the date was scheduled and couldn't be changed or cancelled. She called him and yelled like a drunken sailor. I think that's what he's worried about. Confrontations like that. Personally I think if/when she does that he just needs to tell her he's not speaking to her like that and hang up.


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RE: Just about done

--"He's just so worried that they're going to tell her that he filed."--

Have you asked him why this worries him? Is he afraid she will get so far behind that she might end up like the bio-dad serving time? Something is holding him back as collecting CS is a natural normal process of having custody of a child. It really could be that he is scared that he will put his son through the nonstop 'fighting' DH sees you having to do with your DS's bio-dad (the one now serving time because nothing else would work).

I could be all wrong but maybe try actually 'talking' with him (instead of at him) when you're both relaxed. Not with intentions of fighting over it but with the thought of 'why' is he having such a hard time with this. It's not like he's asking for anything that is not the child's due legal rights. Is he afraid BM will whine and tell his son lies and/or bad things about him? The kinda 'Look how terrible you're father is to me, what a rotten guy you have for a father' blah blah?

Frankly if I were your DH I would feel no obligation in discussing the issue with her. No phone calls about the topic. The child's rights and the law say this is the way to handle nonpayment and assure (?) regular timely payments...if she was not skipping payments (to buy new cars and $110 shoes, not to mention the numerous water parks no less) she would not have anything to be angry or fight about. She's putting him on a possible guilt trip yet it's her making the priority choices.

When it comes down to having to decide to buy an inhaler or purchase food last evening he really needs to look at this as being all about the child. This is not about him/her/you, this is about supporting a child. DH and you are already putting up the vase majority of the expense, all he's requesting her to do is send her little CS payment in full and on time...not that it covers much, but as his legal mother it is her duty. Once he has filed he has done what he can for his son in regards to the BM's sense of duty and obligation. While he still might get zip from her, he will have tried and completed the legal process of responsibility as the custodial parent rearing his son.


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RE: Just about done

Honestly, my ds11 doesn't see any of that fighting with sperm donor. He has NO CLUE it's going on. With BM, I think she does speak badly of dh sometimes. I KNOW she did last summer when we were doing the custody thing. He never says anything bad about her though. She denies saying anything but we know that's a lie. She even blamed my ds11 last summer for it. (I wanted to punch her for that lol!) I know he doesn't want ss to see them fighting... but he has no problem with the kids seeing him fighting with me about money and stuff... so I tell him that's not fair. That he needs to get that priority in order... I have asked him what the big deal is but he never gives me an answer.

I have tried calmly and nicely talking to him but he gives short answers then changes the subject. If I try to bring it back up he'll get mad and leave the room or hang up the phone. That's why I usually do it on email or text.

She is ALL about HER and only HER.... That's how it's always been, that's how it'll always be. Everyone who knows her has always said the same. So, yes, it'll be about what my dh is doing to her. AND, I don't agree with disgussing child support issues with the children. I never have discussed it with either of mine. DS16 brought it up once and I told him his dad pays regularly and I appreciate that.

I'm at my wits end here.... if he doesn't really do it today.... idk... I'm just exhausted over it. I'm tired of being the boring one who only gets to buy boring stuff and she gets to be the hero. I'm tired of fighting with losers over nonsupport. I'm spent. I'm tired of raising everyone else's children and them not doing their part. Yes, I love my kids but I'm just tired. He's got to do this or idk what will happen. I'm just done.


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RE: Just about done

Wew I don't know how you deal with any of this. You get a big hug from me.

When I started this job almost 6 yrs ago, it took 5 weeks to get my first check. Wow it sucked! BUT I also did not buy ANYTHING at all for two months!! She is irresponsible and is now at the point where she is severely past due for a payment... Several in fact.

Who cares if she knows that Dh filed. She needs to know he isn't taking her crap anymore and she WILL be held accountable. Period.


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RE: Just about done

So now he's threatening me that he is going to sleep on the couch. He still says he's not filing if it says he did it. If it says the state did it he's fine. He says it's because he doesn't want to hear her yelling at him or having her talk bad to ss about him. I said... hang up... he said he doesn't do that. He does it to me at least once a day. UGH!!! I called my support office.... they are different offices cause she lived in different county when filed. My office said it's the state for the best intrests of the child. GOD I HOPE SO!!!

If he doesn't file... I've decided I'll just go ahead and have my child support for ds16 deposited into ds16's checking account and let him use it as he pleases. Anything I would normally buy him I still will.... that way it's like we just have 4 kids together and all kids are equal.... seeing that we aren't requiring she pay up and ss gets all this extravagant stuff... then ds16 can buy extravagant stuff for himself. We will just suffer. That just seems fair to me. Right?

That was a huge fight and I'm just over it right now. I want to leave. BUT... I live away from family and can no way make it with all that flex spending I took out of my check this year. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I do... then what's he gonna do about ds8? Hmmmm..... cause I'm not just giving him to him.


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RE: Just about done

OMG DH is just so wrong but I hope you are not going to leave over child support issue. I would want to get to the bottom of the issue of him not filing for CS, is their some hidden reason?

And why is SS sleeping on the couch???? Easy to clean when he wets himself? Why is she saying it? Does he wet himself at BMs and if yes I would want to know what's going on in that household? she says he wets himself at 10???


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RE: Just about done

PO1, he says he isn't filing if the state tells her he filed... if it looks like the state is just going after her then he's fine with that. I know that anyone getting any type of assistance has to file for title iv d assistance.. so maybe we can lie to her. I don't like her thinking I need help... but whatever. It's not just the support issue. He won't stand up to her what so ever.... he stands up to me but he doesn't want to listen to her. It doesn't make sense.

SS was sleeping on BM couch cause she didn't have a bed for him... when her ss went to his moms my ss still didn't sleep in his bed cause it didn't have a mattress cover and her couch is vinyl... so "it's easier to clean". SS has an issue with bed wetting. I've tried for years to get him help but before we got custody she wouldn't do it... then as soon as we did get custody I took him in. Our pediatrician gave him a medicine that helps at night. The medicine has NO side effects and is totally safe. BM called dh and threw a giant huge drunken sailor mouth fit. Saying that we are "throwing drugs down her kids throat".... dh told her that it's very safe and we got it from the doctor. She still yelled... she really was drunk. DH actually called her out on it. She doesn't want him taking it. So... ss feels guilty taking it. Soooo...... he wets the bed still. If he goes somewhere with us to a relatives or he has friends over he will take the pills. It works every time. BUT... he won't take them every night. She's made him think it's bad. So, I get to wash a bed EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's the highlight of my life.... haha! There are alarm systems that are supposed to work but they are expensive and bm won't help with any of it. She doesn't want to get him help. She says she was a bed wetter and she out grew it. Whatever.... I so hope it doesn't last too much longer. I'm at my wits end with that as well.


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RE: Just about done

--"Does he wet himself at BMs and if yes I would want to know what's going on in that household? she says he wets himself at 10???"--

Something like 5% of 10 yr olds do still wet the bed and it occurs with more in males than females. Enuresis does happen more frequently when the child has a parent who also wet the bed as a child. It is too bad that BM has the 'oh well, I did it too' attitude because there is, as Mom3 says, several things that can make it easier on a child now. It's got to be a hard thing for him to do with at his age if there are ways to 'help' him.

Just saying, PO1, don't necessarily jump to assumption that this child is a bed wetter due to anything 'going on at his mother/father's homes. Even some children who live perfectly normal stable happy childhoods can have this problem (for various reasons). The important thing is that Mom3 takes it seriously (which she tries to)and has him under a drs monitoring of the issue.


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RE: Just about done

what a piece of work she is, momof3, OMG, I don't even know her and she makes me sick, no wonder she makes you angry.

So I see what is going on! doctor prescribes medication and she thinks he should not be taking in and make her kid feel guilty. nice. maybe he could at least take meds in your house.

and no bed? who has no beds for their kids, maybe she should sleep on a couch for the summer. OMG, how annoying.

hopefully she does not effect your marriage negatively too much


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the CS

Mom3, has Dh called about the filing himself? Perhaps they could help him understand how it works. it could be something as silly as male ego that is holding him back. Afraid he won't be thought of as a proper family supporter and therefore give BM one more 'weapon' on the pride front to assult him with.

For a few days at least, maybe you need to back-off him. I'm not saying you're wrong in expecting him to file this, but I think Dh and you both need a bit of break from the topic. Filing today or next week is not going to make any difference in the thick of things as no money will instantly appear in a day or two anyway. You're threatening to flee and he's threatening to sleep on the couch...not a good situation to discuss things.

Maybe take it up again when things are a bit calmer. I understand you're fed up with what appears to be him favoring her over you on this topic, but I'm not so sure that's what it is. It may not be so much 'him protecting her' as him protecting himself. Talkng to a caseworker in the office might help him see this differently. He can always walk out without filing if he decides to not go through with it.

Sometimes people need someone other than those close to them to tell them reality and/or point things out. Sometimes it can seem coming from the close person that 'they don't know what they're talking about' or 'just making noise and picking fights'. It does really take a neutral party at times to help someone see and understand.


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justmetoo?

justmetoo, I am not sure what's the deal here?

It appears to me that momof3 is fully capable of answering MY specific question to HER in regards to HER specific child and what's going on over there in a specific household that you can't possibly know about(BM refuses to give him meds). Momof3 just replied about doctor's advice/prescription and what she is doing with SS and what BM is not doing, and I am not sure why you have to repeat the same thing that she went to a doctor and she is monitoring it!!! She just said exactly same thing!!!! She is capable of answering and I am capable of reading her response LOL.


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RE: Just about done

Perhaps, PO1, because I was pointing out that bed wetting is not an absolute indicator that 'something is going on in a home'...which as usual is exactly what YOU implied.

If you don't like what I write, don't read it. Simple as that. If you don't want me to call you out on all your implications and assumptions that you scream out as FACT per --"I would want to know what's going on in that household? "-- then be a bit more careful on the accusations that you routinely toss around at people here.

This lady is struggling right now. She's having it pretty rough and like it or not, I was pointing out that her stepson is not the only child with this problem. Do you really want another 100 post thread debating bed wetting? It's not as uncommon as some would think. She has mentioned it before (YOU must have missed that though you posted in that thread too) when she first started posting...yet, just now when she's already dealing with enough stress and upset without you deciding to post an immediate assumption and point fingers about something devious going on in the other parents home.


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RE: Just about done

funny thing YOU are the one who goes on and on about the issue even if it was already addressed, am not sure why, are you looking for a fight? LOL frankly I barely participate on this forum lately so your issue could not possibly be me, must be something else you are flustered about.

I merely asked momof3, she responded, her response totally made sense (BM is nuts as always and plenty nasty stuff takes place in her household), I acknowledged her response and am being supportive in regards to endless BM drama. I am not sure what is your issue though. You just want to argue i guess or maybe you missed me. LOL

Gee...Now I am kind of glad I cut my time on this forum.


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RE: Just about done

Annnnnndddddd.... the appointment. Is made! Woohoo! I called him earlier today and he told me to go ahead and do it. He was just too busy. So its august 29. I feel like I can breath for a minute!


 o Post a Follow-Up

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