What to do with a spoiled 12 year old step daughter
Jennifer34
21 years ago
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Comments (53)
nadastimer
21 years agotoosuper52
21 years agoRelated Discussions
What to do with my 12 year old?
Comments (4)Talk to your family doctor and/or your child's pediatrician. Get a referral to a family counselor whose has expertise with adolescent and step family issues. Basically, if you have a situation where he needs help and things you've reasonably tried and which should normally work have not been effective, then it's a good time to consult and work with outside experts to get some fresh insights. The reason to get family counseling too, and not just single out the 12 year old even though it seems like he is clearly the focus, is so that the family dynamic can be altered in such a way that your 12 year old _can_ change his patterns. Otherwise, even if he does get good therapy (counseling, cognitive behavioral, or whatever) and can change himself, the force of the family dynamic can keep things from changing... so that counseling never seems to work even when it would have been effective. You might want to also discuss the possibility of neurological problems with his pediatrician. Try to find out if there are any diagnosable problems that would need their own special attention... ADHD/ADD, cognitive or mood disorders, learning disabilities of any kind, or anything else. If there is a probability that something of this kind is coexisting in him with the present conduct problems, then he might be better served by a child psychiatrist who has expertise with adolescents, than by a child counselor. You can also schedule a meeting with his teacher or teachers. Ask them how they view your son's academic performance and how they view his facility or lack with social skills, and general coordination issues. Ask them for their opinions, and why they think and feel the way they do if they would be kind enough to recommend anything that could help. Teachers are usually not doctors, or counselors so the teacher may or may not be greatly helpful. But, as an adult in your child's life who has worked with him and who have opportunities to observe him, any of his teachers can be a good source of additional information you can use. Adolescence is complicated. People want the feeling of independence and respect (parents, and children both). Parents have usually been able to 'force' it if it was not naturally forthcoming. Adolescence is a time when the children are beginning to have the developmental ability to both say, and mean 'no.' Granted, they have no experience and they can use words and phrases involving hatred, or worse. The parental tendency is to try to use what worked before 'force' and that tends to reinforce an already ugly situation when there is conflict. (Family counseling, aside from any individual work can help you learn new ways to manage family conflicts in a more communicative manner with less animosity.) seriously, get professional support and help because although this kind of thing can be normal and helpable through counseling and learning new ways to manage stress and conflicts it can also be the case that the child has problems which require more specialized help so that he can be able to function more effectively...See More12 year old WON'T do homework
Comments (25)I would like to point out that since the thread was started in 2002 I would hope the situation has come to some resolution. Either that or the OP's son is the only 25 year old still in middle school. What you should do is lie to your kid and tell him that grades are monumentally important. That's right I said lie. Grades are somewhat important, and they certainly make paying for college easier. Having said that, knowledge is way more important, I would far prefer my son get a C with complete understanding of the material than get an A with no real understanding of the material. There is a myth about college in general that most parents simply don't understand. Your incredible Ivy league schools have the small advantage of degree portability, but a degree earned from a large state school in the state where you want to work can be nearly as strong. There is a significant amount of research that shows HR directors are biased towards their alma mater, so for example if you want to work in central Ohio then Ohio State is a great choice, mostly because the HR director is statistically more likely to have graduated from Ohio State than anywhere else. The Ivy league only negate some of that. Furthermore, if your son intends to continue to graduate school then even High School performance will not be looked at. Grad schools care about entrance test scores disproportionately, all other factors pale in comparison. When we look at applicants for graduate programs the things we consider are: (1) test scores, (2) work experience, and (3) interview, undergraduate grades only sit in the background to help answer "can the student handle the rigor?". Finally, there is a LOT of research that shows good grades are not an indicator of a successful career and or a happier life. The most significant indicator for success in the work place is participation in an extracurricular sport. The fact of the matter is a B/C student with a strong social life is more likely to be successful than an A student without one. In the end, please make sure that your son/daughter understands the material (please, for the love of god, teach them some math). If they don't understand the material, especially math and english, fix that! Keep their grades as high as you can but don't sacrifice socialization for grades....See Morestep dad and 8 year old daughter
Comments (22)Thank you both for your responses. Amber i do tell my daughter under no cercumstance is she allowed to disrespect him. She has had her privileges taken way on a monthly base. Usually he is the one who picks the punishment and for how long. Sometimes im not exactly sure what all he takes away. The last time he punished er he took everything away from her. She doesnt have tv computer, netflix, going to movies for over six months. I unfortunately did not heard the punishment, because the day he gave the punishment i was recovering from a bronchoscopy. I thought I had heard him say she can not play on anything he bought, but unfortunately i was wrong. She is banned from everything. She can only play with her toys and read books. My husband has always had my oermission to disciplinw our daughter. I've tried very hard not to step on his toe when it came to punishing her. Even though six months of no electrinics is a pretty tough punishment for an eight year old, i've still stood behind him. She had a project last month and my husband refused to help her because of how she treats him. He feels that she wont fail becausebof her age and will give her a grade for effort. I however feel completly different. School work is not something i am going to say no to. No my husband does not have children of his own. Our daughter is his first shot at being a parent. He goes by how he acted as a child and expects the same way, he was a good obedient kid. Myself, on the other hand, gave my parents a challenge. I didn't do bad things against the law but i gave quite a few gray hairs to my mom. I know he cares about her but even i have doubts. I understand how mean she can be, trust me she hurts me the worst when she gets in one of her moods. However no matter how much she mistreats me,im still her mother. I should always be there for her. He is a dad now and he should also be beside me helping her through this. We have tried sitting down with her and explained the things we would be able to do as a family if only she listened to what we asjed her to do. She seems to behave for a few days and goes back to the same way as before. Unfortunately she is half the time with us and half the time with her bio dad so she gets a break from her punishmebt. When she comes back we have to start all over again. I've tried to explain to my husband she is just a child, usually when ahe is not around, but he doesn't follow. To him he just see an evil kid who will not change. He has even said out loud that if she doesnt change that she will one day be flipping burgers at a fast food joint. Anytime i sit with him and talk about her it's always negative. He doesnt even believe her teacher when we were told how smart she is and how polite and respectful she is. I was evwn stopped by the before and after school care staff last week, on how polite and respectful and willingness to help she was....See More5 year old *step daughter* doesn't like me....
Comments (23)I am not being used as a chauffer or babysitter. I offered... it was my decision. I saw it as helping the two of them see each other more often. But I guess then I didn't realize the harm that it could be doing. As for mom, she is kind of a strange parent. It seems as though a lot of you women have a strong maternal instinct and wouldn't even let your DD SM pick your daughters up. However, BM has asked if I could pick up her daughter (we meet in the middle of our houses) because it was more convenient for her to drop her off at that time. If we don't accommodate her schedule she often tells us then she won't be able to drop her off at all. She's never around to receive her daughter either. Most of the time dad brings her with her grandparents because mom isn't around. This weekend was a perfect example. Mom told us she would receive her daugther at 6pm on Sunday. She called and told my BF that she left town and wouldn't be able to pick her up until Monday sometime, and that either she would pick her up with dad at his work or mine. HAH. So dad didn't go to work in the morning because mom decided she had better things to do than pick up her daughter, and he ended up bringing his daughter to her grandparents because mom wasn't answering her phone. Sometimes she leaves to the beach for the weekend and decides not to come back until Wednesday, leaving her daughter with her parents, and no one to bring her to school. Not very motherly if you ask me. As for our relationship, it's fine. I am not getting involved in baby momma drama... we see each other, say hello, everything's cordial, then we talk about the girl, say goodbye no name calling as far as I know etc. I never say a bad word about her mother to anyone.. ever. As for my bf we met 11 years ago in the US. I came here to Mexico to be with him a year ago. Maybe I use the term soulmate in a way you don't understand. I know I could find someone else if I wanted to. I don't. I'm here to stay with this man and this girl. We may not be married but we are committed to each other as if we were. We are talking marriage... and it will happen some day. What else... oh to answer a question dad and mom divorced when daughter was 2.5. Sooo... 1 year and half before I showed up into the picture. Their relationship sounds like it was verbally and emotionally abusive, probably from both parts but she also sounds like she was physically abusive towards him... but never to their daughter. Dad never had a serious girlfriend after that before me. I don't think dad ever introduced any women to his daughter before me either. But I don't know that for sure. As for the bed thing, I know. Dad and daughter used to sleep in the same bed before I arrived. I think it's weird. So when I came into the picture and she was over on the weekends, dad had daughter sleep in the same bed as us. I put a quick stop to that. NOT OK. I expressed to him that it's uncomfortable and he talked with her, though I don't think he really understands why it's a problem. He sometimes asks if she can sleep with us still... I don't understand why. As for this weekend little girl was throwing up and had a bad temperature in the middle of the night so she came into the bed in the early morning so dad could keep an eye on her. I didn't think it was inappropriate in that case. I don't want to be an in your face sm. I honestly feel like dad is trying to force the situation and really I was over doing the favors just to try and get to know the girl and make it easier for them to see each other... to be nice. I know that I need to back off now. Anyways I left and did my own thing on Saturday and part of Sunday and when I came back things were much nicer. I think the girl does like me when she wants to see me, but I was around too often and intruding on daddy daughter time. Today she was very talkative to me, sweet... gave me a little kiss goodbye and they left. I think I found my answer. I agree with the playing house thing being a rush, I'm not moving out now... so I have to find other ways to fix this. To answer someone's question it is not the house of his previous relationship... and when I say house I mean apartment.. a small one. I think it's kind of hard to stay out of each others business when we are all there... leaving is probably necessary to give them proper alone time....See Moreanita9
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