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Court

Posted by pseudo_mom (My Page) on
Thu, Aug 13, 09 at 15:26

Dismissed without prejudice

*Not a lawyer

From what I understand it stays on her record she has to pay court costs and at any point this case can be retried if there is more evidence... and brought if any other charges are brought against her in the future.

I couldn't get anything from the insurance company all I had was her statement to the court. In which she states she pretended to me "one of the people on the insurance policy to get coverage for her DD changed". She used the automated system.

I was not a litigent in the divorce case so I couldn't get a transcript of what was said in open court. Where she stated she pretended to be pseudo to get them to change the policy.

It would have dragged on another year.... by the time all info would have been gathered.

I am satisfied with the outcome.

Asked the DA if he could just put her on probation for the next 8 years til the youngest is 18.... because since I brought charges against her she has basically done right by her kids and us....


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Court

"I was not a litigent in the divorce case so I couldn't get a transcript of what was said in open court."

I don't understand what the divorce case has to do with this. Basically, it should be treated as if you were 2 strangers, correct?


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RE: Court

What pseudo means, I think, is that BM admitted to using her identity during a custody/divorce hearing and a copy of the transcript is evidence that she admitted she pretended to be pseudo.

Pseudo, your DH can get a copy of the transcript... or if it contains evidence, the DA could have subpoena'd it or got a copy for trial.


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RE: Court

Ooooooooh I see......sorry for being so dense. Well I guess if it had to get dismissed, without prejudice is the better way. If you can get more evidence you can open it back up. I don't imagine you would want to, but at least you didn't back down.


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RE: Court

Ima is correct hubby could have gotten it ...but didn't want to ripple the pond so to speak ... and I never pushed him to get it either or he would have ... for me it was more of an awakening for BM ...

You cannot do whatever you want with out being held accountable... granted she technically does not have a judgement against her but at any point I can reopen the case .... just have to refile once I have compiled the evidence needed.

Its something better than a "verdict" I believe .... I don't think she will resume her vengence against us anymore if that makes sense... because if I really wanted to get the court transcripts I could make hubby do it ....

I didn't want her jailed just told basically you can do whatever you please to get whatever you want .... there has to be somethings off limits.


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RE: Court

I don't think I understood. The case was dismissed? But she admitted it, didn't she? Why doesn't she have a judgement against her if it is known that she did it? And why wasn't there enough evidence, it seemed like it happened awhile ago, what happened with the evidence?


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RE: Court

Fd, it's not like she was trying to steal identity for the usual reasons, she was purportedly using it to alter child's insurance. OPs Stepchild. Not clear to me if the polciy was OPs or dad's.

As to charges being brought again, my understanding is that if evidence is availabel at time of first hearing, it has to brought then and not later. Of course now I am expecting to get slammed by Ima, as only SMs are allowed to mention their understanding of law.


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RE: Court

strange case. what could be changed in a policy? like coverage? was it better coverage or more expensive? not like i care either way, just curious what evidence could be brought in if she admitted she called and pretended to be someone else? it also seems strange that insurance policy could be changed via automated system. i could alter my policy once a year in writing only.


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RE: Court

Pseudo, I guess at least you can feel lucky the vengenance will stop..DHs ex changed a policy of his also, all she faced was Contempt of Court, she just had to pay him full value of policy, she didnt get in any trouble...Now, I would love to know how I can get her to stop calling DHs job, Union,Accountant and pretending to be me...


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RE: Court

KKNY - the policy was Pseudo's and BM pretended to be Pseudo in order to get the counseling approved as she stated below:

RE: Update!!

Posted by pseudo_mom (My Page) on Sat, Jun 13, 09 at 13:34

BM assumed my identity for insurance purposes... told the insurance company she was me so she could get SD's counseling approved. .... she had access to my and my son's medical histories .... changed passwords on the medical accounts even changed my address with the insurance company to hers so any mail that I might have gotten from the insurance company went to her address.

"Ma'am can you confrim your address .... sure its _______ sorry ma'am we can speak to you about anything on this policy ... don't even tell me its ______(mom's address)____ yes it is ma'am what can we help you with???!!!!"


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RE: Court

Ashley, I am not certain you have anserwed my question. Psedo had previously said she was SAHM. So how is this her policy. Maybe that changed. If insurance policies allows dads wife to make decisions they should be sued (unless mom not in picture).

In any event, this is NOT typical identify theft issue.

I strongly suggest all moms have their kids put password on their health insurance accounts so SM has no access.

Of course, whatever dad chooses to share is up to him.


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RE: Court

To clarify, it isnt right that Mom has access to SMs kids records, but it isnt right that SM has access to Skids. Dad should have figured away around this.

My child is older, so even if she had a SM, she can password protect her file.


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RE: Court

KKNY, Thanks for the tip..Thats what I ll do, get a password for DHs job, Union, Health Ins, Dr...The accountant knows me personally, so he s not a problem..Actually the hospital did give me a password, when she tried to call and say she was me, and they saw me sitting next to his bed....No more pesky calls from her....


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Clarification/overbearing

Dotz, to clarify, I think your DH needs to get password and then share as he sees fit.

I guess no one but me sees a problem with SM having access to Skids medical recoreds, but not mom. Nice to confirm what I would have thought.


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RE: Court

sorry to disappoint you kkny, I'm not in the slamming mood today!

Pseudo was providing insurance for SD and BM tried to access the records by posing as BM. BM has the right to see SD's medical records at the doctor's office, but she does NOT have a right to pretend to be Pseudo to get information from the insurance co. Whether she made changes or not, she violated privacy... and the law.

Laws relating to evidence are complex and it would be impossible for a layperson to know what would or wouldn't be admissible in a subsequent trial. Heck, some lawyers may not know until they are arguing it in front of a Judge. My opinion based on what I know of the case, which is not much btw, is that the court does not view this case as a serious offense. It was a good warning to BM and the door was left open to pursue it if she continues to violate the law.

dotz, is there anyway you can let people know to get a code from you.. like a password before they discuss anything over the phone. In my business, it's hard to always tell if someone is who they say they are. I try to verify it with personal information before giving our any 'crucial' info...


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RE: Court

so was it pseudo's insurance policy that SD is on? so anyone could call anyone of our insurances and pretend to be someone else? creepy...

SO's X did better, she took college age DD off her insurance (excellent insurance, no premium for yourself or family, no deductible, $5 co-pay, everything is 100% covered, medication coverage-i have the same insurance, ) without telling anyone, SO only found out when he made appointment for DD with dermatologist.

SO put DD on his insurance which is high co-pay, low coverage, high deductible, very high premium HMO, poor medication coverage.

When SO asked X why did you do that without warning and why did you take her off such excellent insurance, she lied that her insurance changed and now she has to pay high premium and nothing is covered. It was a lie. His X has the same insurance as me, it is the best insurance there is, there is no premium. She just did it to make SO's and DD's life harder.


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kkny

I could care less about my Skids medical records, but you will have to agree with my right to privacy about Dhs Ex seeing my records?Or tax info.Or home ownership? Way too into my business..I wouldnt dream of looking into hers or her childrens medical records...


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Whats dads is SMs?

Dotz, of course I agree with you.

What I still find disengenous about Pseudo's situation is that she had said she was a SAHM. Dont recall her saying she got a job. So I dont see how policy is hers (unless everything of dads is SMs -- including his kids)??

Its great that YOU wouldnt dream of looking into your skids medical records. I dont see others saying that. Some people have to control everthing.


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ima

IMA, Sigh I have to do something..Ex is not supposed to send emails or contact DH, he just got an email this week from her for the for first time in 2 years with info from his union that she could only have gotten from calling there and pretending to be me....Dont want to be too detail specific, there is no formal order, just judge cautioning no emails.My stomach is in knots..I know both SSs have gone thru what you would call emotional milestones for her this month, and my gut is saying she wants to goad him into contacting her..


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RE: Court

Here's a good insurance story......X has DS on his insurance. He lost his job early last year and was out of work for 9 months. Told me he was going to get DS on COBRA and didn't. After I never got anything about COBRA, I tried to get DS on my insurance through my work, but by that time too much time had elapsed and they would add him until open enrollment this year.

So X got a job and insurance Sept. of last year. Didn't tell me DS had insurance until he took me back to mediation to have his CS lowered in December. Insurance was effective in October, so the card says.

So then X calls me a couple of months ago to tell me his company switched insurances. Here's the kicker.....he said the insurance is actually less expensive for him than the previous one, but that he just purchased more life insurance for DS to make up the difference.

He'd rather purchase more life insurance for his 10 year old son than to pay the difference in CS. UGH! Anything regarding money he is such an a**, but everything else he's fine.

Ima is correct about the privacy laws. Really, BM should be thankful that SOMEONE was providing insurance for HER kids since she wasn't working or living with her own kids (at the time all of Pseudo's SC lived with her and DH).


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RE: Court

Ashely, I am sorry about what happened to you.

However, my recollection as to Psuedo/Cawfecup was at that time was that the mom was working, at least part-time, and Psuedo was the one not working, and had only school age children in the house. I seem to recall Pseudo/Cawfe lording it over me and the other moms, that we had to work whilst eye candy second wifes such as her could hang out at beach.

I agree privacy laws are important, but this doesnt seem to me as if someone was trying to steal identiy for usual nefarious reasons -- more likely a reaction to an overcontrolling SM.


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there's a difference

kkny, I see a problem with having access to medical records of a child that isn't yours and does NOT live with you. However, I should have full access to EVERY child that lives with me. I am responsible for her when her dad is at work. I take her to the doctor, counselor and administer the meds when she is home sick.

Either way, if BM was providing insurance and I am still custodial SM, I don't have a right to view her insurance info or plan, but I should have a right to discuss and view her medical records with the doctor as long as my husband, the custodial parent agrees. (Or BM can get off her lazy behind and drive up her and take her own daughter to the doctor, which she has refused to do...)

The subscriber should be the ONLY person that can authorize someone to access their insurance information.


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RE: Court

She was but that changed at some point. Don't know when, but she posted this just a couple weeks after the identity theft thing:

Posted by pseudo_mom (My Page) on Thu, Jul 3, 08 at 8:42

"Hubby came home at 2:15 as I was leaving late for work ... I got home at 6PM"


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Also this.......

Also, she posted this right before the identity theft:

RE: So this mornings meltdown.....

Posted by pseudo_mom (My Page) on Tue, Jun 10, 08 at 17:38

"pickups are before I go to work and drops off are after I get home from work... :)"


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Overstepping

My error Ashley, but if pseudo is working 3 hours a day (leaving minimal commute time) I still find it unusal if policy is hers.

Ima,

If mom is out of picture, and dad had sole custody, one thing. If Dad is EOW or 50/50, SM is not a parent, and dad should deal with this stuff. IMHO. One thing to drive kids to doctor, another to have full access.

Sometimes being overcontrolling and overstepping boundaries can make a situaiton worse.


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RE: Court

LMAO.. my SD's BM is not out of the picture. She inserts herself into our picture all the time.. except when it benefits her daughter.

She's more than welcome to come take her daughter to the doctor and administer meds when she is sick. She can also come take her to track or girl scouts if she wants... LMAO~ we know that will never happen.


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RE: Court

And I assume Dad knows how to drive also


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RE: Court

Hey, KK? A small request, if you don't mind...
Pseudo changed her GW name for privacy reasons. She told us that she did it, and IIRC asked us not to use her old name because it is more "searchable" through Google, etc. I think her old name is similar to her email address and that she was concerned people she knows IRL might find her here (correct me if I'm wrong, please, Pseudo).

Anonymity is important to many posters here and I think we should make an effort to respect people's requests about their privacy. I think this is particularly important in light of that Pseudo just came out of court for invasion of her privacy - the last thing she needs is more people violating her privacy.


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RE: Court

Sorry KKNY but I am the ONLY (STEP)PARENT WORKING neither parent is working so insurance is mine now ... but a year ago it was hubby's.

Ill give you a summary... "someone" changed hubby's email address and password on our insurance's website so he couldn't get in ... after I told them to lock it down with a new password .... so then my info was used using automated system my birthdate, name and addresss, was all she needed to get into the automated system since she couldn't pretend to be hubby she had to pretend to be a female on the policy ....

I only found this out after she and hubby were in court for the umpteenth time when she said " I pretended to be pseudo to get the policy changed" when I called them to ask them what I had approved for a child that was not mine!!! You see as a SM I cannot approve anything so how did I approve counseling you see the problem.

Then they asked me to confirm my address ... mom had changed it to hers. So any mail they sent me went to her house... even my credit report has me living at her house.

FYI not thats its really any of your business ... I was working part time then 2 part time jobs ...now one full time and one part time job .... :) And the children are covered under my ins policy now .... mom has no access to it at all .... not even a copy of the cards.


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Privacy -- SMs deserve it, not moms

Excuse me, I wont use it, my only point was work status. It didnt occur to me the old name had any significance.

I wish people had spoken up for me when IMA attempted to put my home town up here.

But I guess only SMs deserve privacy.


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RE: Court

"And I assume Dad knows how to drive also"

All things being equal.. They have joint legal custody, either one can take her do the doctor. Dad has a car... Mom has a car. Dad drives... Mom drives; Then consider what is not equal.. Dad works... Mom does not. Dad pays the doctor... Mom does not. Mom has the time to take her... Dad does not (unless he takes unpaid time off) CSM is self employed and has a flexible schedule and BM has told DH, why can't Ima take her? or better yet, she once suggested my dad take her... anyone but HER.

But she IS the BM. I guess it makes sense to have the working parent take time off so the non working parent can work on her tan or take a nap... and of course, make him pay. That's nice.

and if I listed my screen name as ImaCA, I would already be giving away half of my location.. at least the state. My point was and still is, there is NO anonymity on the internet and privacy has been a huge issue... especially with social networking sites.


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RE: Court

So Ima, pleae explain, why am i asked not to usde pseudos earlier name, and yet OK for you to attempt to out me???


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your explanation

you would have to ask the person that asked you not to use it. and if I wanted to out you, I would not just attempt it... if I attempt it, I succeed. I made a point that if someone wants to find something, all they have to do is dig... some takes more digging than others, but nothing is anonymous on the internet. Post a picture... then delete it... it's still floating around out there until that piece of internet space is written over by a new file... not to mention that it can be saved to millions of personal computers with a simple click by the user. Heck, I google my own name or email and come up with stuff I wrote years ago... forgot I wrote, deleted, etc.


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Moms held to different standard

Ima, the point I am asking is why you treat moms differenty than SMs? Becuse it rasies the question -- do you and other SMs treat skids differently??


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RE: Court

Ima didn't remind you of Pseudo's request. I did.
Pseudo has requested that we use her new name, and I think we should all honour that.
I asked politely and I'm puzzled about why it seems to have made you mad.

On that same vein, if you were to change your GW name to protect your privacy, I would remind people to use your new name too.
I'd like to think that people wouldn't be upset by a polite reminder.

And if I noticed that anyone had posted another member's private information without their consent, I'd have something to say about it...
But if it was you that had been "outed", odds are that you'd have been all over the poster before I even realized the thread existed, and there would be no need for me to politely remind someone to respect your privacy.


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RE: Court

ceph, all I remembered was that psuedo changed her name. I thought her old name was pretty inocuaous.

And I think it is pretty clear that ima attenmpted to out me becuase she doesnt want to hear my opinion. Pretty close minded.


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RE: Court

" * Posted by kkny (My Page) on
Fri, Aug 14, 09 at 19:42

Ima, the point I am asking is why you treat moms differenty than SMs? Becuse it rasies the question -- do you and other SMs treat skids differently??"

I wouldn't expect someone that only has one child and no step kids to understand what I mean, but those that have more than two kids might understand... every kid is different and I treat every kid different.. bio or step. I had three kids and they each have their own personality and what worked with one, didn't with another. I love all my kids but I have different levels of feelings at different times with ALL of them. But, the bottom line is that I love them all... I would do just about anything for them, except co-sign a car for my oldest.. he's not proven he will be responsible with my credit. My middle son has gotten two cars with my help. He has proven he will do what he says. My daughter has not needed my help to get a car, she has more ambition than both of her brothers and wants to do it on her own. But, I will handle that issue with my SD when she is older and it will not be based on her relationship status of being a SD, it will be based on her level of responsibility, her attitude, behavior and the trust we can have in her... just like I have done with MY kids. I can't help it if her mom encourages her to be irresponsible and has modeled the behavior of a pathological liar for the last ten years... I hope SD does not become like her mother in that respect because we would love to trust her and see her grow up to be a healthy, caring, loving and trustworthy responsible adult.... just like I hope that for my kids. and my kids had different modeling and were raised in a different setting too. You can't compare the two.

I get the feeling kkny woke up on the wrong side of the bed today... with the first snark 'expecting ima to slam' and she's been argumentative all day...

I'm actually pretty open minded, but I also have common sense and I can see poking for what it is.... someone having a bad day so they look to spread the misery.


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RE: Court

Ima, I had a great day.

But if I make a mistake by mentioning a common name, and get jumped on, I feel sorry for the stepkids in the house.

Lets see. Stepmoms can give legal advice on the board. Not moms. Stepmoms can make mistakes not mms. Stepmoms dont have IPs hunted down. Not moms.


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mom's vs. stepmom's

I am a mom! That's what makes everything you say about mom's vs. stepmom so funny. Most of us are moms too.


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Ima

Ima, you knew what I meant -- its not funny but sad how you persist in not trying to be fair.


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in all fairness

I can be fair... I feel equally sorry for your DD as you do for the stepkids you feel sorry for. Is that what you mean by 'fair'?

BTW, Ceph says she brought it up and she doesn't have stepkids in her home. Who do you feel sorry for? I think it's sad that you would use the kids as part of your dig to insult someone by saying you 'feel sorry'. Are you really such a mean person IRL?


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RE: Court

common name ...which one is a common name?

Whose sk's do you feel sorry for?

ALL?

Me too that their parents are oblivious to the damage they are doing to their kids ...hubby by ignoring everything that mom does and everything that mom does ... poor kids ..


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RE: Court

I dont think I am mean irl or here. I just see some people here with one standard for some people, and one for others. I have has much right to say something as you do. I think Ceph at least occassionally has a quasi step in her house/care.


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RE: Court

It's rather immature and mean spirited, when you have no further logical or intelligent response, to come back with "Well, I feel sorry for you... or your kids... or whatever" because that ends the logic and opens up emotion based conversation or response. But, you do have the right to say what you like... it only shows who you really are. Some people have one standard for some people, one for others... I agree with you there. You have one standard for stepmoms, and another for those that are not stepmoms. whether they are mom's as well, makes very little difference to your bias.


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RE: Court

After reading alot of posts...I'm wondering why anyone who is not a stepmom would be on here posting. That would be like me going to a birth mom site when I'm an adoptive mom. Doesn't make sense. Seems like some of the non stepmoms are just bashing the stepmoms & giving advice that they don't know anything about because they haven't been in those shoes! I thought this was a support system for STEPPARENTS!


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RE: Court

After awhile you catch on to who has an agenda and who's posts might offer some decent advice ....who you should or should not even bother reading ....

KKNY always attacks IMA ... its a given whether or not IMA has anything to do with the post,she brings up the past not talking within the post . Some posts she brings up are close to a year old if not older.

Just sad ... she can't move on from anything not her ex or anything someone may have said 2 years ago on this board....

I think she uses this board to make herself feel better about what a nasty wife she was.


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RE: Court

sassy, actually the forum is entitled "STEPFAMILY FORUM" not "STEPPARENTS' FORUM". Many of us non-stepmoms are either members of stepfamilies ourselves and/or raising kids who are members of stepfamilies. I would say that that entitles us to both read and post.


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re: follow up

This wasn't meant to be a blanket statement. It was directed at KKNY due to the fact that I haven't read 1 post from her asking advice re:stepparenting. And from what I understand she is not a stepparent but has so much to say on the matter. And it's usually nasty & angry to say the least! IMO being a stepchild & stepparent are 2 different things just like being a child & an adult are!


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RE: Court

"The Stepfamily

This is the spot for those in stepfamilies to offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur--come on, there's bound to be one or two."

In what manner does that apply to kkny? She is not in a step family. She has zero connection to a step family. She is a divorced, single mother. Her daughter does not belong to a step family.

Now, I can agree she has given some good advice on financial issues... regarding writing a will... regarding a divorce settlement... and even a custody agreement. But none of that has anything to do with step families.


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RE: Court

IMA, maybe KKNY should set up a website that addresses just those issues & not stepparenting!! It's bad enough that there's so many gray areas being a stepparent & then to come here for advice/support & be slammed by someone who doesn't have that experience is crappy!


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RE: Court

Other possibility ... this forum is livelier than the Parents forum.


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RE: Court

Funny..I was just looking at the parents forum & it is livelier over here! Also funny..a poster was saying how she's not enjoying being a mom(normal stress) & that 1 child in particular is feeling the brunt of it. Yet not 1 person told her how "mean" she was.If that's said here in reference to a SC then of course the SM is mean & picking on SC!


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RE: Court

Wouldn't the parent forum be more lively if the parents were over there... not just here? I see plenty of SM's post over there too... because they ARE mom's too!

and you're right sassy, treat a SC like your own when they do something wrong, you're an evil SM...


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RE: Court

Ima, funny but stupid story along the evil SM line....
Girls weren't rinsing their dishes sooooo I implimented the "if you don't rinse then you get to wash the dishes that night". Thinking that's the last thing they'd want to do. DD(a people pleaser) is adamant about it, SD refused to do it, so you can guess what happened next.
I was the evil stepmom who was treating her like Cinderella. MIL actually said that to me! But if it was the other way around, nothing would have been said.


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RE: best part

Oh yeah, forgot to add the best part. MIL said I set SD up to fail(rinsing a dish) so that I didn't have to do dishes!!!!


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RE: Court

I began to have problems with my MIL when SD started telling her some of the same things she was telling her mom... how mean I am to her. MIL is not around us as a family much so when we were, it started to seem she looked for anything to support what SD told her. One of the things that have been a major issue is that SD is not happy with how we feed her. She loves food and if we do not monitor her diet, she would easily weigh 150.. She is 10 and now weighs about 110-115. (She weighed about 95 at the beginning of summer, before she went to stay with BM for summer.) But, before her summer weight gain, MIL acted like we are starving her so she'd take her for a doughnut for breakfast or ice cream when she would watch SD for DH. (one time she proudly tells DH that she gave SD a healthy lunch of yogurt... until we found out it was frozen yogurt with toppings... and that was her lunch, no real food) Anyways, she would lecture me on growing kids need more food. I raised my three kids, I know about growth spurts & nutrition & weight management, but I didn't argue with her... but it did annoy me. Then SD went to BM for summer and had her usual summer gain. MIL saw her recently and it was very noticeable how much she's gained... and she later commented to me and DH about it. (after SD went back with BM) and we told her that BM doesn't limit or monitor her food and I guess she knows growing kids need more food. Of course MIL was critical of BM letting her gain that much weight but maybe she finally realized that it isn't me being mean to her granddaughter, there is a reason we do what we do. She hasn't said anything to me about it the last few times she's watched SD. But, SD may grow up feeling slighted by me because I don't give her junk food... and I don't mind being the evil SM if that's how she sees me. Just last week, DH told her to slow down at dinner because she was eating like no tomorrow. He told her that eating fast isn't good because it doesn't give her tummy time to get the signal of when she's full. I said I was full already and had eaten about half as much as she did and she looked at me and said, "you're calling me fat!" I did not say that. But, she'll perceive that's how the conversation went. That's the story her mom will get and so it goes. (again, another thread needed for that issue)

My kids went through it (and still are), they don't always like me or things I don't let them do, but they don't have a second house to run to where they are allowed to do whatever they wanted. (well, at least my two younger ones didn't... my oldest did go to his dad and that would take a whole other thread to mention all the times they said yes because I said no...)

Fortunately, I nipped it in the bud with my own mom when my oldest was small. She would give him things or let him do things that I had said no to... and say 'well, I'm grandma.. I can do that.' and my response is no, I'm the parent and I don't want him eating a snicker bar every time he comes over... he was about 2 years old. She argued it is her right to buy him whatever toys she wants, even if he isn't behaving... and give him whatever food she wants. So, I said it is my right to keep him home and not go see grandma... and I didn't let her watch him for a few months. If she tried to give him something I didn't want him to have (she was relentless too) I would get up and leave.

I am now a grandma and yes, I want to spoil my grandson... but I look back at how I felt when my own mom would ignore my wishes, it reminds me to be careful to respect the parents wishes... it's their child and I don't think all grandparents stop to think about that. As I grew up, I heard many times how it's a grandparents right to spoil grandchildren, etc. Mix that in with Disney portraying all SM's to be evil... and that is the expectation. When I say I am stepmom, it gets a different reaction than when I'm saying I'm mom. Could it be that when it's a stepmom, some people naturally look for differences to support the evil SM image? Perhaps that has a little to do with BM's not wanting their child to have a SM... some may automatically assume the SM will mistreat their child.. or perceive that the SM is mistreating the child because the SM treats the child differently than the BM does... but they don't take into consideration that the SM may have a different parenting style... and that causes friction. (some simply do not want another person having anything to do with their child, regardless of anything)

But, MIL's need their own forum... regardless of whether it's a step situation or not. (LOL, I'm a MIL now and not thrilled with my son's choice of partner... but it's his choice and I do my best to make her feel part of the family... I've never said anything nasty to her, I've never been rude, I've tried helping out as much as I can, but she has not been receptive and is probably thrilled to live far far away from the evil MIL)


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RE: Court

"But, MIL's need their own forum... regardless of whether it's a step situation or not."

I'll drink to that!
My SMIL is a piece of work. She's not a mean or spiteful person, but she is a gossipy, meddling bossypants and she drives me CRAZY.


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RE: Court

Pseudo, are you pleased with the results?

I think the most important thing is that you set boundaries and enforced them. Good for you!


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RE: Court

Pseudo -- I was a nasty wife ?? Thats why X and I were togethor for 25+ years, inlcuidng many without kids? again, too funny


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RE: Court

Yes LH I am ... :) again it may not be much but its something. Like with your SS's BM atleast its on paper. Not just you saying she's a drunk. Paper says she isn't to drink.

No KK what I find funny is you are hell bent on proving SM's wrong .... when I tried to hold the insurance company accountable for their mistake .... yes their mistake for letting someone easily access my info with out safeguards in place ..... you judged the fact that the kids were on the same policy as I am and that as their mom she should have access to anything related to them .... and my point was I don't have access to their info and BM shouldn't be allowed to access any information about me or my son since she is not his SM no relation there .... my credit report should not reflect her address as mine..... but its ok because of course she is their mom and only looking out for her children.

Had she not been a sneak in the first place by changing the email address listed on the insurance website one phone call would have settled the problem but not easy like that ...... I know its hard for you to follow but if it is that hard then do not follow my posts this way there is no confusion others remember what I have been through with this woman and I don't have to repeat my self post after post that I am not a SAHSM anymore .... I am the only person working to support my SC mom's on welfare dad's on unemployment ....

My SS's rely on me more than they do their own parents .... as silly as that sounds they don't ask mom or dad for stuff they need they ask me because they know I will get it.... Mom is the fun one she wants to be their friend ... they do not respect her they talk to her like she is dirt and she allows them to no matter how badly they treat her she lets them do whatever they want.... as farfetched as this will sound I feel bad for her the way they treat her .... I used to stick up for her but not anymore she has not learned that being their friend is a recipe for disaster but its her disaster to clean up.

Now hubby well he is the same afraid to say NO to his children he might hurt their feelings or have to put up with them being grumpy towards him ....

I on the other hand say NO and YES and I also ask for things and get them .... you see we have a great relationship now it took a long time to get where we are but we worked at it and got where we need to be ....

It hasn't been easy but we did it .... most will remember the battles I had with oldest SS he and I get along great .... SS11 is just a different kid he and I get along great he and I have great fun ... the boys are great with me....they tell both their parents where to go and how to get there.... but I said it enough times you will not talk to me like that if your parents let you talk to them like that thats fine but you will not speak to me that way ..... I treat you the way you treat me .... SS's get it ... SD well that a whole different ballgame .... nothing I can do to help that child and guess what not my problem.

Does she know it? yes

And I am sure you will have something to say about my poor SD and how you feel sorry for her but guess what so do I .... the child is not liked by anyone including her own parents siblings grandparents its a long list .... I am just one person on that list .... pretty sad that a 10 yr old has no redeeming qualities I find appealing ... I cannot think of one reason to like the child.... everything is a battle I don't care what it is .... I folded her clothes the wrong way, I don't fold my towels the right way (her way) I don't close the bread her way ... the clock in the living room is set 5 minutes ahead she changes it everytime she comes here.... moved my furniture around because she didn't like the way it was set up ..... Jumps on the furniture and when told not to says but I'm bored .... she's 10 .... and jumping on furniture makes her unbored.... until she went to live with her mother I never once heard her say she was bored .... I kept her busy all day all night with stuff to do....she went everywhere I went except to work and I took her there a few times too .... she and I used to be the closest of all the children I was closer to her than my own daughter my own daughter called me out on that saying I never spent that much time with her ... but now I can't even look at that child again it used to bother me all the nasty stuff she said to me .... even one month ago she told me to die and I have made her life hell .... sorry kid you made your own hell she was told if you continue to yell at me in my home I will not allow you here .... she called her mother to tell her and her mother backed me up and told SD she shouldn't speak to me that way .... a year ago mom would have coddled that behavior. SD was punished when she got home because of how she spoke to me her mother heard her yelling at me .... yeah I was bad because as soon as she started I took SS's phone and dialed mom's number and put the phone down so she could hear her DD .....

I do not doubt there is something mentally wrong with SD but it is not my problem to fix .... if her parents ignore the obvious who am I to do anything about it just a SM.


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RE: Court

I am not h**lbent on proving SMs wrongs. If you went back and read my posts you would see situations where I was in support of SMs.

I did not say what mom did was OK, just that it was not typical identify theft issue (where someone walks off with a lot of $$).

I am h**lbent on protecting children. For you to say that you do more for the skids than there parents, yet you are not responsible. To say to a 10YO that they made there own h**L -- very sad. very sad.


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RE: Court

Guess what don't care :)

Nothing is typical when it comes to stepfamilies but not being part of a stepfamily you wouldn't have a clue.


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RE: Court

"if her parents ignore the obvious who am I to do anything about it just a SM."

Wow. You don't REALLY feel that way, do you?
To just leave a 10 year old kid out there, blowing in the wind... My heart hurts for this child. She obviously has no one in her world to count on. What a shame.

Kids aren't perfect. Sometimes they're down-right awful. I used to teach third grade, and I had a girl in one of my classes who was horrible: she was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and OCD. She was on countless meds. She was a challenging student, to say the least - she would physically attack other students, she stole, she lied. She was also beautiful and incredibly intelligent, so sometimes we would get the wool pulled over our eyes. She knew how to work the system! Her mom was a fellow teacher, and the things she told us about their home-life were agonizing - the girl would get grounded and everything would get taken out of her room, and the next morning, they would walk in to see messaged scratched all over the walls, her bed, furniture... saying "I hate myself," "Mommy die," "Kill me." Good. Lord. I wouldn't blame her Mom and Dad for feeling like they wanted to give up, but they couldn't, and we couldn't, give up on her. We were all in it together, especially when the Mom couldn't do it anymore. That kid deserved it, even from people who weren't related to her.

Now, she's in middle school and I hear she's doing great. I think her meds got figured out and counseling is helping. But the kid was eight years old, only two years younger than your step-kid. Thank god no one gave up on her.

These kids deserve better. They deserve people in their lives who'll care enough to see them through the bad times AND the good times. God, I hope this child finds SOMEONE in her life who'll help her find a way out of her darkness...


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I didn't break her

I tried and no matter what I did mom sabotaged it ... I did try .... nothing I did helped .... mom undermined anything related to this child .... I cannot help this kid I will not and cannot do anything to change it ...... there are 5 other children here who need me .... this child has mom coddling her behavior so its on her mom to fix her ....

Someone once said to me .... she is broken and nothing you did broke her so you cannot fix her ..... her mother said that to me.

Moms says she doesn't need counseling... mom says she doesn't need meds. hubby has no rights to child and neither do I.


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RE: Court

Iheartsprinkles, that is a nice, rosey view of things. And I agree with the sentiment behind it.

BUT Pseudo has been to hell and back with this BM and SD.
And at the end of the day, she really CAN'T do much for this child. She cannot take her to the doctor and get a prescription, she cannot take her to a psychiatrist, etc. She is not the legal guardian and there is not much she alone can do without mom or dad's approval.

At some point, when your hands are tied, and your sanity is at the breaking point, and you (like Pseudo said) have FIVE other children depending on you, children that you CAN help....you do what you have to do to help the ones you CAN.


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RE: Court

Sprinkle, Love is right! If BM & DH won't approve it then there's nothing a SM can do but save her sanity. My SD needs serious help yet neither parent will take her. Oh I know: I'll go get a degree in child psych then help her myself...oh wait, that would be unethical & overstepping my SM duties.
And re: the medical ins-I have access to DH & SD insurance. And do you know why? Because I'm the one who takes her to the dr. BM REFUSES-will drop her off sick before taking SD. DH works during Dr hours. And I do have a right to that info! I take care of the child, she lives with us FT. My ex doesn't & never will have any access to my DD's ins. And he wouldn't even think of asking for it.


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RE: Court

LH, Pseudo may have been to H**l and back, but when she makes totally unsubstantiated and erroneous accusations about me (that I was a nasty wife) and then attempts to ignore, even though anyone can read, I have to wonder -- has she lost someof her reasoning ability.


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RE: Court

"BM REFUSES-will drop her off sick before taking SD. DH works during Dr hours. And I do have a right to that info! I take care of the child, she lives with us FT."

Honestly, as a mother, I cannot for the life of me understand this. My SD's mom will let her be sick or injured for days and tell her to tell daddy you need to see the doctor. She doesn't want to bother... or pay anything. I was there for every cut, scratch, bump or bruise with my kids... comforting and taking care of them and I cannot even begin to imagine just schlepping them off to someone else.. even their father, let alone having a stepmom take them before I would go.

And before someone reminds me that dads can take them... if the parents were together still, typically the father is at work and the mother would be the one to take the kids. If I were with my child's father and he took them to the doctor, I would still want to be there.. that's the maternal instinct in me. There may not be a lot I could do when my son's stepmom took him to the doctor when he was at his dad's house. I didn't like it one bit if she took him but I sure the heck wouldn't drop him off sick and expect her to take him, the way my SD's mom does. She doesn't care who does it, as long as it isn't her and she doesn't have to pay for it. I can only imagine how that makes her daughter feel.


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RE: Court

Well, SOMEONE has to do it! Good God, people. Will someone stand up for these kids?!?

'I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was sick and you visited me'...Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink?...'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35, 37, 40

I might see things through 'rose-coloured glasses,' as I've been told more than once, but I don't think so. I think people say things like that to absolve themselves of their own personal guilt. It's just another excuse. That seems to be all I read on here... No one wants to take responsibility for their part in the situation. No one wants to take responsibility for their choices. No one wants to take responsibility for anything because it's too hard, it's too inconvenient, it's too much work. Same verse, same as the first. You might want to think about changing the station because they keep playing the same song over and over again...

I believe that children are part of the group of people considered to be 'the least of these.' Children are dependent upon us, as the adults in their lives, to protect them, to guide them, to teach them. And when one falls short or neglects that charge, well then, you only have yourself to blame for the outcome.

I just pray for these children that someone will have compassion on them and see through all their pain and anger, all their rage and imbalance, to be that person to them; to love them enough to be able to bear the brunt of all that nastiness and still love them through to the other side.


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RE: Court

IMO if you want to spout religion from your high horse then find a box & the nearest street corner. You should read the part in your bible about judging other people!
Have you not read the title of this forum? It's to vent!!
Have you not read most of the posts? The stepmoms are the ones fighting tooth & nail to love, care & help the SC! But when the BM,MIL,DH & even the SK's themselves put a brick wall up, there is NOTHING they can do...but vent. And did you ever consider that some children are just mean or manipulitive? How do you think we get those types of people who are adults? If everything was perfect (as it apparently is in your world) then we wouldn't have war,hate, etc. Stop bashing the stepmoms for doing the best that they can in their particular situation. And not everyone loves everyone else, even children. It doesn't mean that SM's are horrible to the SK's.

If you've been told more than once that you see things through rose colored glasses, maybe you should take that as constructive critisism & look at yourself.
The SM's on here do take responsibility for some of the things that happen in their lives. And I say some because there are other factors like BM's, court orders, other children in the family,DH's. Yet you aren't bashing the BM's or DH's that are being referred to in these posts?

You sound like you have alot of anger toward a SP that you had! You want to know a solution to that? Counseling & growing up & realizing that people make mistakes instead of holding onto that anger & taking it out on other SM's! Sometimes you just have to get over your past to get on to your future. Good Luck!


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RE: Court

I'm not religious. I just happen to believe that truth is truth, no matter where it comes from. It can come from the Bible, it can come from the Torah, it can come from a child, it can come from a criminal. But the truth is always that - the truth. And you know it when you hear it because it shines a light on things and makes things more clear, both good and bad.

Oh. And the whole "judging" thing - when you say the things you do about a BM or your SK's, isn't that YOU passing judgement on others? I never judged ANYONE. I simply pointed out that kids deserve better. YOU, on the other hand, couldn't help yourself, and you judged me, not knowing anything about me. Who's judging whom now? Chew on that.

Venting is fine. Venting is good. But when you're constantly venting, constantly speaking only negative thoughts about people in your life, then something is off and maybe it's not the others around you that need the help. Maybe it's YOU that needs the help. Look at it from a purely mechanical POV: A machine builds up pressure, so it needs to vent in order to release the pressure before it blows, right? But when the venting becomes a constant issue, when the pressure builds up again so quickly, then that's a sign that something is wrong with the machine and that maybe it needs to be taken off-line and fixed. For all intents and purposes, we are biological machines. And when we build up too much pressure from stress - both physical and emotional - we need to vent. Yes, that's healthy. But when we get to the point that we're constantly venting, in a constant state of rage and hate, then maybe we need to be taken "off-line" for a while and attend to the real problem.

You sound very defensive. I think some people are defensive when they hear the truth but they insist that I am just being mean or that I'm "judging" them. I also think that someone who misunderstands another's intent could act defensive because they think they needed to defend themselves. So, some people would be feeling defensive and therefore be offensive...strike out first to avoid what they think will be a criticism, or just have frustration carried over into their next encounter.

I wonder who it is you're trying to convince. I have no doubt that what I said is the truth, so there's no need to try and convince me or to put me down.


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RE: Court

Sassy -- where do you get the purpose of the cite is to vent -- it says to offer advice, etc. If you want to vent, go ahead,


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RE: Court

"This is the spot for those in stepfamilies to offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur--come on, there's bound to be one or two."

If you want to be technical... it says "This is the spot for those IN stepfamilies" ... where do you fit in kkny?


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RE: Court

Its a board, anyone can post. I was just pointing out that sassay was apparently misquoting. She can vent all she wants. I'm not the exlusionary one.


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RE: Court

Anyone can post but it does state the purpose... "for those in stepfamilies to offer advice on dealing with the problems that may occur"

Does that mean to quote the bible and be judgmental? Does that mean to criticize or be mean? Does that mean it's okay to bash? Who's being exclusionary? Is asking why or wondering why someone that is not in a stepfamily would post to a board that is intended for those in stepfamilies, being 'exclusionary'?


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RE: Court

"Oh. And the whole "judging" thing - when you say the things you do about a BM or your SK's, isn't that YOU passing judgement on others? I never judged ANYONE. I simply pointed out that kids deserve better. YOU, on the other hand, couldn't help yourself, and you judged me, not knowing anything about me. Who's judging whom now? Chew on that."

Judgement: the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.
Fact: an actual occurrence.
You're hilarious! Have you read my posts re: my SD or her BM? It's not JUDGEMENT I'm passing. When her BM refuses to take her to the Dr....that's a FACT! When my SD lies or has a tantrum....that's a FACT!

YES, I JUDGED YOU! Never said I didn't. Was saying that if you're quoting the bible or torah or blah blah blah...then make sure to go by the whole thing not pick the pieces that you think fits. I have nothing to chew on!
I wasn't being defensive there's not much I posted on here & I don't do things in my life to feel guilty or be defensive about!
And kids deserve so much better than what? The stepmoms on here who are breaking their @sses to help them when their BM's are not doing their jobs & then are still kicked in the teeth by SK's, BM's, DH's, etc?
Take your analogies & apply them someplace more fitting than being a faceless poster who bashes! Next time you reply to my post,at least try to come back to at least more than one of my comments. I didn't see you making any reference to the rest of it. You danced around it!!!!
And if you'd like to continue what you seem to think is a battle of wits & words, by all means go ahead, just start a new post with my name as the title.

KKNY, touch on the misquote....btw it's sassy not sassay!


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retraction

nasty person not wife ... my bad.

"Well, SOMEONE has to do it! Good God, people. Will someone stand up for these kids?!? " We can't as SP's we have no authority or "rights" to help these children... We are legal strangers... so I guess its up to the underfunded education system, DCF, the courts, the parents, or anyone else besides SP's.

I took my part in the responsibility for this child ... no matter what I did I was wrong. I ignored behavior it got worse I addressed the problem I was told to mind my business.

You see after DCF had been to my house for the 4th time in a year because of false allegations .... I gave up ... no matter what I did it wasn't going to help this kid .... Certain adults empowered this child to believe she could do no wrong .... and that she had a mental disorder so she was allowed to do whatever she wanted and treat any one as mean and nasty as she wanted with out any consequences because she has "anxiety" although she has been undiagnosed... doesn't matter ....

At 8 years old I was questioned daily about her periods (which still hasn't arrived) How her behavior was all hormonal ... still waiting.... wanted to know how big her boobs would get she would be happy with a C .... at the breakfast table asking when she could have sex, wear a tampon, when could she shave, pluck eyebrows, do her "kini" line, etc... After 6 months of this I told her I will not discuss this stuff with her anymore and if she wanted to know she was to ask her mom ... Told her counselor this and she attempted to blast me ... told her I wouldn't discuss it with her either ... she then told me I was inhibiting her sexuality ... I said she is 9 years old she shouldn't be worried about her sexuality ....she is masterbating daily. Told the counselor she cannot get out of bed until she finishes the job ... has missed the bus because she is masterbating .... I told the counselor I make her stop get out of bed and get ready for school again I was told I was wrong. I should let her finish.... this was the counselor who told mom SD had anxiety and needs to be medicated ..... a year later she told mom that she cannot help SD and she needs to find another counselor SD doesn't want to be helped.

You see mom was all about proving she was the better parent to the world just not to her children. Calling DCF so they would back her up and they through her under the bus.... telling the boys counselors how mean and rotten we were to the kids they (two different counselors for the boys) both recommended mom's visitation be cut because of how she treated the boys....

She was ordered by the court not to call DCF again unless one of the children have been mortally wounded. But since this order DCF has been called on her twice.

So as you suggested I changed the station and took myself offline.... color me gone from one child..... I am sure someone will step up and help her it just won't be me.

"I wouldn't blame her Mom and Dad for feeling like they wanted to give up, but they couldn't, and we couldn't, give up on her. We were all in it together, especially when the Mom couldn't do it anymore." question sprinkles??? how come its ok when mom couldn't do it anymore? but not ok for SM not to do it anymore?


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sassymom

this forum is called "stepfamily" and could incluide stepchildren, stepsiblings, stepgrandparents or anyone who is involved or concerned with stepfamilies. this forum was never called "stepparentrs" and nothing ever indicated that this forum is created for support of stepparents.


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RE: Court

Quoting printed material is not passing judgement. Expressing a personal opinion is not judgement. Relating a personal experience is not judgemental.

Sassy, you ARE on the defensive. Look at your posts. I'm not the one using exclamation points after every sentence. I'm not the one "shouting." And, no, I didn't read any of your posts. Know why? Because my original post was in response to THIS ONE by psuedo_mom. I have no idea what your personal situation is and I have no personal opinion about it, just like you have no idea about mine. You assume I do not belong here, but I am part of a stepfamily, too. I am a stepchild, I have half-siblings, I have a stepmother. She and my BD have divorced (after 36+years of marriage) and now my BD has a new girlfriend. I have a stepfather and extended step-family out the wazoo. I have a child who is a stepchild, who has a stepmother and half-siblings. So, yes, I AM a member of a stepfamily so I qualify to be a part of this forum.

We all have to learn to deal with conflict and disagreement. Not everyone thinks the same, and some people might have experiences and solutions that can help when we deal with difficult situations, like those we deal with in stepfamilies. But if you're not open to that, then it's clear you're not open to change or to making things better in your life.

My second post was in response to several posts which, in my estimation, contined lots of excuses but no ideas or possible solutions to the problem. Just MORE EXCUSES as to why things can't change or why the situation cannot ever be better. That's frustrating because I think things can always be better, but only if we're open to all ideas for solutions. So, I quoted a scripture that I grew up hearing (even though I'm not religious) because I thought it was a beautiful example of the attitude needed to care for challenging people. Sick people are challenging to care for: I have a grandparent with Alzheimer's, a dad who has had multiple brain-stem strokes, and a cousin who just recently died from Muscular Dystrophy... you think it's easy to care for people like that? They drive you NUTS having to answer the same questions over and over again, having to argue with someone with poor vision about driving the car with the kids inside, having to deal with a 13 year old who can't walk, can't pee, can't eat on his own, and who knows he's about to die... are you saying that that's NOT challenging, difficult and awful? It's draining! It's mind-numbing! Sometimes you need a break and sometimes you need to vent. But they deserve love and care and respect, all the same, don't they? You think it's easy to work with the poor and homeless? You think they don't take advantage of you at every turn? I've worked with the homeless - they steal from you, they take drugs. Many, if not most, have mental illness issues, but no access to insurance or doctors, so it goes untreated. But they ALL deserve love and to be cared for and treated with decency and respect, no matter how difficult it is to do so. And then there's the children. But somehow they don't deserve any better because they ask the same question over and over again (like an Alzhiemer's patient), or when they argue with you (like my frustrated Dad who can't do what he used tobe able to do), or when they have developmental issues such as toilet training or table manners (like my cousin with MD)... behaviors which are all taught - and by the way, teaching means more than just telling or showing someone something ONCE. Children don't automatically KNOW BETTER. They have to be taught. And I know I do much better at learning when I'm taught by someone who teaches with patience, with a caring voice, and with a belief in the fact that I can do it. Not when I'm yelled at, or treated with impatience and indifference. Why would a kid care if they succeed when you don't care if they succeed either?

The sick and dying, the poor AND children are all considered the "least of these." And just because children present with difficulties and challenges, that doesn't mean that they don't deserve to be cared for, even though it's challenging and sometimes downright awful and harder than anything you've ever done in your entire life.

And yes, since you asked, I do think children deserve better at the expense of the adults in their lives. That's what being a parent is about: equipping our children with the love, compassion, judgement and knowledge necessary to live a fulfilling, successful life. That comes at MY expense. My physical, emotional, financial and spiritual expense. I don't know why that's so hard to understand, much less do.


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RE: Court

"We were all in it together, especially when the Mom couldn't do it anymore." question sprinkles??? how come its ok when mom couldn't do it anymore? but not ok for SM not to do it anymore?"

This is a really good point!

Sprinkles, there is also something known as tough love. Sometimes when a person's behavior is so atrocious, when it becomes so bad that it's destroying the lives of everyone around them, there is nothing left to do but excercise tough love and disengage. No one in this child's life is doing her any favors by coddling her and accepting her abuse. At some point, you have to teach a child (or adult!) that they get NOTHING from treating people terribly. Maybe this girl does have some sort of physiological reason for her behavior/antics, but nothing (save for "anxiety") has been diagnosed yet. No one seems to be able to say why this child acts the way she does. Maybe there IS no reason or worse, maybe there is no hope. I know THAT sounds awful but I do believe some people have extreme personality disorders and some people are sociopaths. I think there ARE people who cannot/will not be helped.

NOW--I am not suggesting giving up on a child but it seems to me that Pseudo has tried EVERYTHING and she's at a point where all she can do is wash her hands of this kid until she WANTS help. I know if SD came to Pseudo and said "please help me help myself" Pseudo would do so. But that's not the case here. It's kind of like an alcoholic or drug addict---until they WANT to quit, no one can force them.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what Pseudo's doing. This girl's basic needs are met when she is at Pseudo's home, she's not being neglected. But what she is being shown is that her behavior will not be tolerated and will not "get" her anything. If you are rude and nasty to people, guess what, people will not want to be around you. if you lie about people, and abuse people, then people will not want to take you to do fun things, people will not want to be your friend, and people will not enjoy being around you. That is a lesson in life. Nothing wrong with teaching a child that. The sooner she learns, the better.

I really think Pseudo is doing the best thing she can in this situation. Number one, she is saving her own sanity. What good will Pseudo be to the other children in the home if she's had a nervous breakdown? It's kind of like putting the O2 mask on yourself first---you won't be able to take care of your child on the airplane if you can't breathe yourself. Secondly, Pseudo is drawing boundaries and teaching SD that she will not be abused. This is an extreme situation here and I don't think it's fair for ANY of us to judge unless we've lived it.


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iheartsprinkles

"I believe that children are part of the group of people considered to be 'the least of these.' Children are dependent upon us, as the adults in their lives, to protect them, to guide them, to teach them. And when one falls short or neglects that charge, well then, you only have yourself to blame for the outcome."

Actually, I agree with this. I agree that the adults ARE responsible for acting as adults and acting in the best interest of the child. However, the only ones that hold 'RIGHTS' to make decisions about the child are the parents and the court. Even CPS has to get permission to act on a child's behalf. How can a stepparent be blamed or criticized for choosing to back off from a troubled child, when the parents themselves refuse to do anything? The parents hold all the rights. Not to mention, children are not helpless, voiceless, motionless beings... when they are speaking out against someone that is trying to help... making false allegations, refusing to listen and running to the people that support the problem, and being rebellious... what is the legal stranger to do when the people that hold the rights ignore the problem?

Well, CPS or the police have to go to the court and get an order. A stepparent or teacher or stranger on the street is limited to calling CPS or the police when they see a problem and the parents are not addressing it. When my SD's mom began to make false allegations against me, I could ignore it as I knew it wasn't true. I didn't let what her mom did affect my relationship with SD. However, when SD lied about me to my face... I realize why she did it and I'm not angry at her, I don't hate her, but I choose to have nothing to do with her because I am not going to put myself in a position where I have to defend myself, when I have done nothing wrong but try to do nice things for her.

"I just pray for these children that someone will have compassion on them and see through all their pain and anger, all their rage and imbalance, to be that person to them; to love them enough to be able to bear the brunt of all that nastiness and still love them through to the other side."

Several of the custodial stepmom's on this forum have been the one to step up to do what the bio mom refuses to. I am shocked by how many mothers abandon their children or rarely see them... and don't put them first. When I married my husband, I knew it was a package. We included his daughter and I made vows to her... I meant them. Even though she was only with us every other week, I knew that can change at any time. When her mom up and moved away and left her here with no notice to her or us, I was devastated for her. She was so hurt, I did everything I could to ease her pain. I suffered with her because I care about her. I have been the one to take her to counseling, arranging play dates, planning parties, planning outings on the weekends she is here, and signing her up for activities and taking her. I take her to the doctor because her mom refuses to and her dad has to work. When she needs something, I take her shopping if her dad can't afford it. Her mother pays for nothing... tells her to ask daddy or Ima. We've had her 24 months... BM didn't have to pay support for the first 9 months and is currently 11 months past due. She doesn't think it's her responsibility to pay for her child, so I have stepped up, financially and emotionally. And I get kicked in the shins for it. When BM kicks my shins, I don't care. When SD kicks my shins, I need to protect myself. I still love and care for her. I pray for her. But I will not allow her to have an opportunity to ruin my life with false allegations.

and it does not matter whether it is a step child or your child... if my child went on a campaign and made false allegations toward me, it would affect my relationship with them and I would not be alone with them as long as there is a question about it. I would still love them, but I would do what I need to protect myself from false allegations. But, as I said... with my children, they did not have someone supporting that kind of behavior toward me. But some kids do have an alienating parent that would support false allegations. Fortunately, the allegations BM and SD have made, are only toward me and not my DH... although she hinted in the last court battle that she has a problem with how DH treats SD too. It's a sad situation when a parent pits the child against people that love and care for them.

So, I agree that these children should be prayed for. I pray for her mother.... I pray that her mother will wake up and see the damage that she's doing to her child and stop. But, I have my own children and grandchild to consider (they need me too) and I am not going to risk my reputation and freedom for one child that has a mother that doesn't care what she is doing to her own daughter.


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Ima

"and it does not matter whether it is a step child or your child... if my child went on a campaign and made false allegations toward me, it would affect my relationship with them and I would not be alone with them as long as there is a question about it. I would still love them, but I would do what I need to protect myself from false allegations"

WELL SAID.


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RE: Court

Masturbating at the age of 9? I'm pretty shocked to read that, very disturbing. Isn't anybody else taken aback by that? (I only skimmed the other replies so maybe somebody did respond to that) but I just want to say I hear you Pseudo, and you are doing the right thing. you are saving your own sanity, you have to.


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RE: Court

yabber, masturbating (some may not fully masturbate, but may just touch their privates because it feels good) at 9 -- boys and girls -- is very normal.


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RE: Court

But it shouldn't interfer with daily living.... late for school, missing the bus, not eating breakfast, come home from school head straight to bed to do it again before dinner, after dinner before she falls asleep....when I first met hubby she would do in front of everyone...she was 4... she is on the extreme side of "normal".


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RE: Court

Yes I guess that that is what makes it so disturbing, how it interferes with everything.

It might be normal for a 9 yo but I would think that you'd keep it to yourself as a private thing.


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RE: Court

Actually, there is a period of sexual latency in children. It would be about the elementary school age. It is NOT normal for a 9 year old to masterbate continually. Some 9 year old's may masterbate, but the norm is that children that age are not interested in sexuality, let alone obsess over it. When a child that age is that aggressive and preoccupied with it, that may be a sign of sexual abuse. Being sexually abused can awaken sexual urges and acting out in school aged kids.


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RE: Court

That seems to be all I read on here... No one wants to take responsibility for their part in the situation. No one wants to take responsibility for their choices. No one wants to take responsibility for anything because it's too hard, it's too inconvenient, it's too much work. Same verse, same as the first. You might want to think about changing the station because they keep playing the same song over and over again..."

Wow. Perhaps you need to do a little research into the situations of the people you are passing judgment over. Chances are you have NO idea of the hell they have been though in the quest to do the best they can by their step children. Though you may have no idea of my situation, you have offended me with your self righteous condemnation of step mothers. You list all the steps in your life, but I see not one is a child. Though this opens the door into the step realm, it in no way gives you the experience to stand in judgment of those raising their step kids on a daily basis, fighting tooth and nail to keep them as sheltered as possible from the fall out of a divided family.

You sound educated and well versed. . . it's too bad I have just written you off.


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RE: Court

I guess that's the difference between you and me - I don't write anyone off. Living different circumctances and issues makes for differing experiences and I am always open to hearing about new or better ways of solving a problem.

I believe I have a unique perspective to offer and living a different circumstance than you or others here doesn't equate to my not having anything worthwhile to say. But it seems that all anyone here wants are like-minded people who live mirror-image lives with the same cast of characters who all experience the same issues over and over again with no real desire to change things or make it better. It seems that all you want is to wallow in the negativity and have more people come and join the gripe-fest so that you can commiserate and feel that common bond. But do you want things to get better? If so, you have to have some balance - without balance, without hearing the "other" side, nothing can change or get better because you're stuck in your negativity. And you're stuck there because everyone else around you is in the same situation and has nothing new to say or experience to offer.

So either you want things to get better and you want to resolve the issues or you want to continue on the way you're going. That's what it boils down to.

I don't care if you write me off. That's your right. But you have no balance when you only listen to one side of the issue. Apparently that's not very important here, though.


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RE: Court

I think that normal 8-9 year old girl would not do it continously. I also think that she probably just touches herself for comfort rather than actually masturbate. She is disturbed and touching herself may calm her down.

If in fact she actually needs sexual relief that many times a day, she probably saw it somewhere, heard from older children or even adults or was abused if she trully is that obsessed.

I would wonder about adults/older kids in her life: older siblings or cousins? mom's BF? Internet? neighbour older kids?

But I don't think she needs to be told that it is wrong or be punished or told scary stories when she does it, it will only do the damage.


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RE: Court

But, miss sprinkles, you have not offered any 'other side' points of view. You have not offered any advice. And you have no grounds to stand on.

It's funny - there used to be a poster named The Other Side who was very anti step-mom, and vocalized herself well. Most people here couldn't stand her, but I found her to be thought provoking and sometimes even correct in her rather blunt assessments. So when you tell me, a person you have no background on, what I do and do not want to hear it is amusing - obviously you really have no clue. You don't know my situation. You don't know what I take from this forum and what I come to it for, but you sure seem to think you do.

You may very well have many good points to offer, but you went about your introduction all wrong. Blanket judgmental statements across the board that should perhaps be directed and one or two posters are not the way to have yourself heard. I, and likely many others, will simply lump you up there is the category of those who come here under the guise of 'helping' step-moms see the other side, when truthfully all you are doing is your own form of venting based on your own views while condemning ours.

If you want to be helpful, be helpful. Offer advice. Offer solutions. Offer criticism directly, if it's deserved. But don't start with board wide assessments of our motivations and feelings. Why would any of us take that seriously?


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RE: Court

Sprinkles - I agree with JNM. Even though I don't feel that your posts in any way apply towards my stepmothering, I still feel somewhat offended at your blanket statements and overall generalizations about all stepmoms on this board.

I also don't understand why everyone continues to get so irritated with KKNY. She IS affiliated with a "stepfamily" situation. Her daughter interacts with both her father (KKNY's exhusband) and TOW. And yes, she can be combative - I've been at the receiving end a few times! However, how do people function IRL with problems, etc. if they can't do something as simple as skipping over posts from someone they can easily avoid on an online forum????


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RE: Court

"However, how do people function IRL with problems, etc. if they can't do something as simple as skipping over posts from someone they can easily avoid on an online forum????"

I wonder that myself when kkny mentions me in threads I am not posting on... or brings me up when I have nothing to do with the topic.

But, when she jumps on someone to point out the purpose of this forum... correcting them, it is valid to point out the forum's own stated purpose and that she, herself is not in a stepfamily situation. You may disagree because her daughter's father has a GF, but she herself says that her DD has limited to no contact with the GF to the point that her DD meets dad for dinner away from his GF. So, it's a stretch to say she's affiliated with a stepfamily. Nobody says she has no right to post on a public forum... it was just asked why she would want to.


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