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Dh's on being dad

Posted by wild_thing (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 4, 09 at 15:14

I was just thinking about dh's behaviors lately and wonder how some of you manage with your dh's when it comes to some of the things they say or do.

My particular situation happened the other day. Friday to be exact. Sd got the bike she was using stolen out of the yard. So when she got up to work the next morning she just walked to work....she was still mad at me so she didn't bother to ask me for a ride. I probably would not have any way.
But...dh gets home for lunch and asks if I gave sd a ride to work. I tell him no. So he calls her work, to let her know that the bike was stolen....hello?...pretty sure she figured that out, unless he thought she might think I hid it from her?....@@ Then he proceeds to tell her that she can call when she needs a ride. !*#% WTF?
This would then me, she is to call me!
I drop dh off at work, and I just can't even speak to him I am so mad. He is oblivious. He picked up that I was upset about something, but I didn't have time to get into it with him.
So, I pick him up after work and he finally figured it out on his own lol. He apologized, said he should not have called her. Then he had to go and do his errands once we dropped me and our son off at home.
Sd starts calling about 5:30, incessantly. I didn't pick up. House phone, cell phone, house phone, cell phone....(it is MY cell phone). Leaving nasty little messages. Dh gets home about 6:30, I tell him sd has been calling for an hour to say she is off work. She could have been home long ago had she started walking. She walked to work for goodness sake. But oh yeah....dad told her to call.
He goes and picks her up.
That is the kind of sh*t that just bugs me to no end with him.
Do they do this kind of thing out of guilt or what??
I am inclined to think it is out of some sort of guilt that he caters to her while still trying to teach her something...and little does he realize that he is only undermining himself.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Dh's on being dad

"Sd got the bike she was using stolen out of the yard."

Interesting choice of words.
So how did SD do this?


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"Sd got the bike she was using stolen out of the yard."
Interesting choice of words.
So how did SD do this?"

LOL sweeby I don't think SD got her bike stolen, someone else stole her bike. Or at least i hope so. LOl

I know..tough situation...but unless it is literally 5 minute walk, I think it might be OK to pick her up. Of course if she wants you to pick her up when you are at work or just home exausted from work or sick etc, then I would say "no", you can walk. I guess it depends on the distance, weather and on what you do at that moment. she also should tell everyone ahead of time if she needs a ride.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

It sounds like maybe the Bike didn't actually belong to SD, but that she was using it. Therefore, the bike she was using was stolen out of the yard. But it is interesting the way it is worded, as if somehow she is responsible for the bike being stolen.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"I am inclined to think it is out of some sort of guilt that he caters to her while still trying to teach her something...and little does he realize that he is only undermining himself."

Undermining you to the hilt I'd venture to add.
And trying to teach her what? Something? More like how to abuse her "power" over him. Because at this point it's sounding more and more about her "power" to control. Typical teenage carp that I wouldn't put up with for an instant.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

There is a lot of undermining going on here. If, while I was married, my X asked me to pick someone up, and I didnt want to, it would be between me and him, not the third person. I would not be so childish as to not pick up phone.

I don't see guilt -- I see dad asking his wife, who is at home, to pick up SD. A wife who seems to blame everything on SD and DH. My guess -- he'ld have a differnt story to tell. Like he is at work, he is thrilled his DD has a job, and DW undermines everything. My suggestion is you both need to listen to each other.

I'm always curious about what each party puts into marriage/realionship etc.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Bikes in yards should be locked to a deck, bike rack, or fence, or locked in the shed.
If SD didn't lock the bike up, then I say yes, she got it stolen. If she was not taking care of the bike, she is responsible for that it was stolen. Thieves are out there, unfortunately, and it's owner on-guard for protecting your belongings.

I got my car broken into once by leaving unlocked. Had I locked it, then I would have done my duty.
An exBF of mine got some DVDs and a guitar stolen by throwing a big houseparty where he let in a large group of total strangers.
My SS got several bikes stolen from his mom's place by leaving them out and about (now, since he was between 6 and 9 yo at the time, obviously the grownup in the supervisory role, ie BM, played a role too... Not all his fault).

Thieves exist. So we have responsibilities to help protect our belongings.
Now let's get over attacking WT for thinking her SD should be responsible for caring for the bike and get back to the real issue at hand - that her DH is taking advantage of her and sending mixed messages to SD.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Ceph,

How do you know if DH is taking advantage of her? For all you and I know, DH works 55+hours a week to support the family.

And how childish is it not to answer phone? Try that at work sometime. Gees, I guss SKs are the only ones who have to be responsible.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

What I see as the issues here:

- DH isn't holding SD to task (the task of being responsible for her own belongings and her own job) and you might feel that he's not preparing her for "the real world".

- DH is volunteering you for things without checking with you (like picking her up from work) and you might feel that you're being seen as a service provider or employee to be instructed, instead of a partner to be respectfully requested.

- DH is being wishywashy with SD, sending mixed messages where his words tell her she has to be responsible, but when she isn't, he makes sure there are no consequences. You may feel that this gives her all the power.

So what I see as the underlying problem here is that DH is having a hard time balancing SD and DW.
How does he react when you say something like "I usually don't have a problem picking SD up if it is raining or we are on a timeline, but please check with me before you offer" ??
How does he react when SD is grouchy towards you? What about when you are grouchy towards SD?
When is he able to be proactive and see the road ahead?

These are similar to some issues I'm having with DH at the moment too, and these are some of the questions I've asked myself and worked on with him.


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Ceph

From the Economy Post: wild_thing "because in two weeks we had two lawn mowers and one of the kids bicycles stolen out of our fenced lit up yard".

So it is the kids fault that the Bike was stolen from the fenced, lit up yard? Was it also the fault of the adults that the mowers were stolen? I guess by your logic it is. I would say it is the fault of the thief, but that is just me.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

So, Raek, you just skipped over the bit where I suggested we focus on the issues WT posted about, and stop pecking about whose fault the theft was?
I usually skip posts when I see your username. The only reason I bothered to read what you wrote was that you put my name at the top. But I won't make that mistake again.

KK, your question is actually somewhat valid, and you posted while I was typing my next response... So, why I assumed that DH is taking advantage of her, WT has said in other posts that she feels taken advantage of, so I think that's part of the problem here too.
I don't know that he doesn't work 55 hour weeks, but I think my next post clears up that I'm not pointing fingers are DH, SD or WT. I'm making observations some of DH's behaviors and trying to help WT figure out how she feels, and how she can help DH, how he can help her, and how the two of them together can help SD.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Ceph, I do think that the FAMILY didnt take care of the belongings is relevant in how blame is parceled out. If SD sees mom and dad leaving out lawnmower, she may regard that as acceptable. My D always locks her car. Did I ever tell her to? No. Does she always see me locking my car? Yes. Children learn far better from example. Ceph I can see from your posts you are generally a kind and fair person, and hopefully, over time, all children in your house will learn from you, mostly by how you act.

If WT wants her marriage to get better, I'ld suggest she and her DH sit down and calmly discuss as you mentioned. Yes, WT may feel she is taken advantage of. But so may her DH.


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Thank you, KK.

Thank you, KK.
That was a very nice compliment to receive :)


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RE: Dh's on being dad

WT... About a year ago I told hubby anything to do with his DD10 was to not include me I was done doing him any favors regarding her .... I will do for the other 3 but not for his youngest ... between her and her mother doing horrible evil nasty things for the last 4 years I decided that I would treat her as she treats me as if I do not exist.

Its really sad it used to hurt deeply how badly she treated me then after a disastrous visit she went home and her and mom went to the police station because I didn't give her dessert. I was done doing anything for that child or her mother.

Her behavior has not improved at all in a year I sit and watch how she treats her family good thing they "have" to love her because she isn't nice to anyone not even the dog. So I do not feel alone in her hatred for me because she treats everyone the same as she treated me just now I cannot be to blame for how she behaves I do not interact with her so she can't blame me for "her life being complete hell" direct quote from an 8 yr old.

At 17 she is old enough to be sat down with you and hubby and be told ... treat others the way you want to be treated .... why should I do anything for someone who doesn't even like me? thats what I asked SD9 now 10. Her answer ... because you have to .... sorry kid I don't have to do anything for people who do not like me ... not you, not the kid down the road, the lady at the store anywhere ...


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"At 17 she is old enough to be sat down with you and hubby and be told ... treat others the way you want to be treated"

I agree.

But I think your problem, wildthing, is that DH doesn't back you up; or rather, he doesn't back himself up! He says one thing to SD but then goes back on it later. You know this already.

I wish I had an idea. I don't. :( My husband does the same thing.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Ceph, I meant it.

There are some people here who are so angry that the examples they set are not what anything would want. Now maybe they had good reason why they are so angry -- but to the child growing up it sets a clear example.

I dont know anyone who has the perfect teenager. I dont. But I still do my best.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I find Raek's posts refreshing - it's nice to hear a different point of view which is why I come here. To each their own I guess.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

What I got when reading this, OP is holding a grudge. SD has treated her badly in the past and now it's payback time. She wants a ride... don't even bother asking! And SD knows this, so she walks to work without asking for a ride. Then dad, whether he is right or wrong, tells her to call for a ride. After that call, OP & her DH discuss that he probably shouldn't have called... did anyone call SD to tell her the offer was rescinded? NOPE! So, she's incessant for calling like dad told her to. I'd probably leave nasty messages too if my calls were being ignored after I was told to call. If someone called and told her to go ahead and walk, then it's a different story, but nobody let her know the rules changed. That was pretty rude and I have to agree with KKNY that it's immature to ignore the phone when you know it's her. Why not answer it and tell her she can walk, if it's walking distance?

As about the stolen things... I agree that people learn by example and if the example is we don't lock up mowers, she isn't going to lock up her bike. She may learn on her own from having it stolen that she'll lock it up, even if the parents continue to leave the mowers or other things out. And it's equally possible that those things may have been stolen anyways if they were in a well lit fenced area. So, it wouldn't be 'her' fault.

Whether he caters to her or not, it's his daughter and if he is going to parent out of guilt, or change the rules with her so he says one thing and ends up doing another, then leave him to do everything for her.... just like pseudo does. I have told my husband that as long as his daughter is not made to treat me with respect in my house, he will do everything for her. That's all you can do, you can back off and let him be the parent or you can leave. You are probably not going to get far if you try to change him.

It says a lot when you yourself admit: "So he calls her work, to let her know that the bike was stolen....hello?...pretty sure she figured that out, unless he thought she might think I hid it from her?."

If he thinks you might hide it from her, it's because he knows how immature you are or thinks you are. He probably feels like he's in the middle of your childish battle with his daughter. He probably looks forward to both of you growing up! (but at least she's a teenager and has an excuse for being immature!)


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Ima, I think the advice to back off works fine for you, and others who work full time, but that advice to SAHMs or SMs who work part time may not translate as well. There will likely be conflict if Dad thinks, well I work for the entire family, I cant work and take care of my DD.


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Lonepiper

Thanks! :) I appreciate and have learned things from people on this site as well. I think it is refreshing to hear the perspective from all sides. I just think some people only want to have their viewpoints confirmed and don't want to see things from any perspective but their own. I think that is their loss.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"Ima, I think the advice to back off works fine for you, and others who work full time, but that advice to SAHMs or SMs who work part time may not translate as well. There will likely be conflict if Dad thinks, well I work for the entire family, I cant work and take care of my DD."

I agree, but the impression I get is dad is already having issue with OP's attitude toward his daughter and if she is not contributing significantly to the household during a tough economy, may also be an issue. My point is more that it would be in SD's interest for SM to back off and let dad handle her since SM is darn near hateful of the girl, SM needs to disengage. I suspect that the marriage is not in the best shape and SM probably blames SD... DH probably places the blame elsewhere... SM's attitude perhaps?


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Ok, will try to take these one at a time. I see no one actually identified with the thread accept for ceph and lovehadly...thanks for being so honest :)

What I see mostly when I come here is a lot of people who think they know what is best for everyone. They have the best advice, or all the answers, etc.

anyway...Interesting choice of words.
So how did SD do this?

well, probably a bad choice of words yes. the bike belonged to my son, sd was borrowing it. Had a lock for it that she used at work.

More like how to abuse her "power" over him. Because at this point it's sounding more and more about her "power" to control. Typical teenage carp that I wouldn't put up with for an instant.

Yes, it is a little of that to some extent. She has been known to try and pit us against one another a time or two.

And how childish is it not to answer phone? Try that at work sometime. Gees, I guss SKs are the only ones who have to be responsible.

Childish? I often do not answer my phone. Sometimes I even put it on "do not disturb" and will not answer it all day. It is a choice I make, that I am entitled to. Does not make me childish. Means I want my peace and quiet during the day to get the things done that I need done. As for the second part of your statement...not by any means. Far from it. I hold my own child responsible for his own behaviors also. Do you need examples?

How does he react when you say something like "I usually don't have a problem picking SD up if it is raining or we are on a timeline, but please check with me before you offer" ??

He is cool with it. It is something we are working on. I have, do, and will continue to pick her up or take her if the weather is terrible. So long as it isn't interfering with my schedule, which isn't always set in stone but I do post appts etc on the very large scheduling calendar we have in the kitchen.

How does he react when SD is grouchy towards you? What about when you are grouchy towards SD?
When is he able to be proactive and see the road ahead?

I appreciate the questions ceph. Also glad to see that you are also honest about you and your dh having similiar issues. That is a tricky question...sd is mostly "grouchy" towards me when he is not around. But when she is full blown pissed like the past few weeks then everyone gets her "grouchy". When I am grouchy towards her, if it has no reason behind it then he is defensive for her, which of course is expected and I do understand. I am the same way.

So, why I assumed that DH is taking advantage of her, WT has said in other posts that she feels taken advantage of, so I think that's part of the problem here too.

thnks again ceph. Yes that is sort of an issue. It is more like things yo yo with her and I am at a point where I feel I am no longer able to keep putting myself out there for sd only to be hurt again by the things she does. We have been on this cycle for about three years now. But kids with attachment disorders are extremely hard to be around because they sabotage any relationship that may form.
That is what we are finding out. That she is essentially in the same boat as her brother and has attachment disorder, which makes sense because they grew up in the same home etc. Hers just did not manifest itself completely until puberty. Anyway, I am off on a tangent.

At 17 she is old enough to be sat down with you and hubby and be told ... treat others the way you want to be treated .... why should I do anything for someone who doesn't even like me? thats what I asked SD9 now 10. Her answer ... because you have to .... sorry kid I don't have to do anything for people who do not like me ... not you, not the kid down the road, the lady at the store anywhere ...
psuedo, that is where I am at. Sd will be 17 this spring. People seem to think that I don't like my sd, I have known her since she was 2 years old. I care very deeply for her. But my heart is done hurting for the things she has done and does. I don't have anything left in me right now for her. I kept opening my arms to her again and again, and now that I am saying enough, people here seem to think I am a terrible step mother. I have been all used up.

To stay on subject:

Dh and I actually have a close relationship. We try to keep the romance separate from the parenting and never the two shall meet lol. We are learning again. When we had my ss, years ago, we went through things very similiar and are finding that we need to take some pages out of our history to get though this. We are trying, we are talking, we are trying to work together. We are getting on the same page again. I am happy that I can say that. I know some can't.
Last month was a horrible month for us and it was extremely stressful and when sd added her drama it did not help matters. Things blew up and we have both apologized for things we said that may have hurt the other etc. Dh recognized that he needs to let sd make her mistakes without interfering. That he has been too overly involved in trying to make things "perfect" and he knows he can't, but he still tried. He is aware that he feels guilty for not being able to be there for his kids when they were young and save them from the things that happened to them. He is working on that guilt and reconginzing that he cant change the past.
We are not perfect parents. We don't have perfect kids.
We are just trying to get by and get through this life.

If i did not care about my sd I would not be here on this forum posting about her or our troubles. I would not know so much info about her. But.....I have reached a point where I am hurt to the point that I can't open myself up to her again for fear of being hurt yet again. At least not at this point. Perhaps if I see things moving forward with her in counseling and see that she is making an effort to change things, then I may go out on that limb for her again and be there for her.
But at this point, at this time...I have to say no. I have to let my heart heal just a little.
If my post seem angry, it is because I am. I want her to move forward and be healthy so much and I get so frustrated that she resists so much and is not using the help she is given.
This is my place to vent. My one place where I can read that I am not alone and other step mothers are going through the same things and sometimes worse or not close. Where I can post and be angry if I want and people (some) "get it" and don't hold that against me and judge me as a "bad step mom" just because I am letting off steam.
I know I am not a bad step mother. I have been there for my skids and helped them through things, and helped teach them things that their own mother did not, could not, and does not. But I also am not a door mat for them to wipe crap off onto. I have treated them with respect, fairness, integrity, love, and so much more. I have wept so many tears for my skids and helped them wipe away theirs.
My posts come from the here and now. I am dealing with my feelings now, and right now, I feel I have nothing left. Will it always remain that way? I don't know. I don't. I need to get myself through this first.

My OP was asking how some of you manage with your dh's when it comes to the things they say or do. Only two or three were honest in saying they deal with similiar issues. Thanks to them.
How do we manage? To answer my own question. Sometimes we get angry, sometimes we argue. Sometimes it is both. But in the end, we sit down and talk to each other face to face, knee to knee. At the end of the day, we always can say "I love you".
There are times when I have to count to 300 before I open my mouth but, I think that we communicate well. Sometimes I think he has to count to 1000. lol
But we also like to laugh too, and we both get joy when we get to see each other smile and laugh, so we like to joke a lot.
Soooo....in the end, when all is said and done, I still love my dh very much and he feels the same toward me as well, and we both know that. Regardless of arguments or a sd that tries to put a wedge between us...we are there for one another and work through it all the best we can by talking to one another every day.
I am allowed to get angry with him, and he me. Anger is okay as long as you know why you are angry and there is something you can do about it that is a safe way to release it. For us, it is talking. That is what releases it.
anyway. blah blah blah


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RE: Dh's on being dad

WT, I find your explanation of not answering the phone somewhat disengeous and lacking in credibility. You indicate in your timeline/vignette that SD was leaving you messages. Which you chose to ignore. Then you comment she could have walked home -- but she didnt know you werent coming, she was only doing what her dad told her to do.

You take no responsiblity for the lawn mowers left out, and the example the adults take in caring for personal property.

I truly hope you think about these things - my guess is your DH does.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Yes, it was rude not to tell WT's SD that the plan had changed for her ride home, but telling her should have been her dad's job. He's the one who initially made the promise that WT would p/u SD. He's also the one who realized that he made a promise on WT's behalf w/o first checking and HE changed the rules.

Not answering the numerous phone calls just fuels the fire. It would've been better to answer the phone and explain to SD that her dad changed his mind about the ride, WT is currently unavailable to give said ride, and that WT assumed he would have notified her of the change in plans.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

To answer the OP's question: How do we deal with it? If DH tells SD something that I disagree with.. or he volunteers me for something I don't want to do, I would talk to him about it. I would not take it out on his daughter and refuse to do it. That is between me & him, not his daughter. He has done it... I don't appreciate it. and yes, Gerina is right... it was up to dad to tell his DD that she needs to walk if he can't go get her. When he offered a ride, if it were me... I would have said you go get her if you want. If there is only one car (I assume since he had to be dropped off at work), he probably would have taken the car so he could pick her up as promised... but they didn't even talk until he was at work and OP had the car. If I left his daughter stranded and ignored her phone calls, my husband would be livid. And then OP gets angry when he ends up going to get her.

Sorry, I have a daughter and a step daughter and I would never leave a girl stranded... nor would I make her walk, especially at night. Ignoring the calls not only adds fuel to the fire between SD and SM... it probably irritated DH to know that is how his wife deals with his daughter. I would have answered the phone and told her to walk or call her dad... he promised her a ride. Then he gets home from work and finds out his daughter is still waiting for a ride? From his reaction earlier, in finding out OP did not give her a ride TO work, he was probably annoyed with OP.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I think that even the most responsible and well adjusted people ocassionally need a ride. i also think that even if i made a mistake and didn't lock my car and my car got stolen, I would appreciate if a family member gives me a ride. Nobody is prefect.

I bet you any adult here would be upset if their spouse tells them: you weren't careful, you got your car stolen, so now walk home and to work but i will sit here at home and won't drive you, more so i will not pick up the phone.

It would sound bizzare right, such puntive and negative attitude? so why is it any different with a teenager?

Although i agree that SD is not nice to SM and it is wrong and needs to be addressed, such eye for eye power game never works, it is like SM goes to the same level as SD and behaves in the same manner. now if SM was busy and could not pick her up, then she could answer the phone and say "hey i am at work and cannot drive you, next time tell me in advance." We are supposed to be adults here.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I think Wild thing said it all with "I don't have anything left in me right now for her". I feel sorry for the SD.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

and that's why she needs to disengage and back off. Let dad be the dad and it will probably be better for both her relationship with SD and her DH in the long run.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Ima, if SM is not working, or if dad is working much longer hours, I think things like picking up SD should be accomodated. Many SMs here talk about family and one-pot -- I suspect that Dads have reasonable expectations that SM will help with what he regards as his errands if he is at work. HE should be the one thanking SM.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I think both wild thing and DH have to sit down and decide what everybody's responsibility is and who is doing what, who has more time and who has the car during the day etc. If DH needs SM to help wiht driving SD or such, he needs to say so. If SM doesn't want to do anything in regards to SD then that's what she needs to say so, and they will go from there. I don't think they communicate properly.

i agree about backing off but from a practical stand point if both SD and dad are at work, and dad has no car during the day, then what can he do...If SM drives DH to work and from work then it is harder to justify why wouldn't she drive SD...


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RE: Dh's on being dad

kkny, I'm not trying to argue with you because I think we agree on this. My point is yes, SM should be more accommodating but given her attitude toward SD, I would not want my teen forced to be in a car with a SM that treats her that way. The fact that SD chose to walk to work rather than ask for a ride says a lot. I agree, I also suspect that dad will see SM as being unreasonable, immature and petty for refusing to help out and holding a grudge if he is the only one working... there is only one car and SM has use of it so everyone is at her mercy, including him.


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IMa

Yes we do agree. 17 is old enough that she doesnt need a lot of handholding. 17 DOES need a positive role model, postive atiitude. I have a 17YO, you have had one. They are at an age where they have to be transitioning from HS to college or career. Mis-steps are not uncommon.


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sounds like an average teen to me

hopefully, she will be motivated to save her money from her job and buy a car... then she won't have to rely on SM. I do feel sorry for her but I give her kudos for having a job and the determination to walk to work... too many teens today won't even go get a job, let alone walk if nobody will drive them. That says a lot about her too.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I personally have identified with WildThings stepdaughter in many of her postings, but just havent had the motivation to respond.

My stepmother said much of the same stuff about me and swore up and down I had a pyschological impairment of some sort. I didnt, well maybe some situational depression but that was about it. The problem was, after years of not being able to do anything right, even when I did exactly what she said...I gave up and just did not care. I was not directly rude nor was I happy, I just did not care. We had the ride scenario a few times and it wasnt that I was mad, I just would rather walk than be in a car with her. Because if she gave me a ride, well then, that was brought up in every argument she started over the smallest things that she didnt like, however she demanded things be done that way but the smallest detail turned into the biggest deal and bottom line, it just wasnt worth it.

I also did not bring friends over. I had friends, lots of them. But the few times I did have friends over, Stepmom may not have been outwardly rude (although a few times she was) but the situation was so obviously toxic and full of tension, my friends were uncomfortable. Some friends I keep in contact with today still remark on it and when they have met her by chance in town, they cant believe how much she has changed and were shocked when she greeted them warmly. They all thought she hated them lol.

She also tried a disengagment summer, but it wasnt truly a disengagment because as soon as she was mad at something my father decided for me, she had to jump in and rule the roost lol. And then she would claim she was so disengaged, made no sense to me, but again, I just didn't care at that point.

My father and stepmother also had a few children that were quite a bit younger than me and there was tension there as well. As she was a SAHM, my father expected her to chip in and help with me, but she resented it and never said anything to him other than she kept insisting I had pyschological issues. Rather than just once saying that she didn't want to do this and this was the root of ALL the issues, it was a very passive aggressive situation for years and when I was old enough to recognize it and actually do something about it, I chose to stop playing. I continued doing what she said and what my father said, but I wasnt going to dance to every small issue that she brought up as I just didn't care. Those were her issues to work through and figure out. She spun and spun for years all kinds of justifications for her behaviors, but when I stopped playing with her she had nothing but was just mad at that point.

I dont think it is hopeless for wild thing, but I do think she needs to take some significant time looking at her own behaviors and reasons and if these issues are really issues at all. While my stepmother was in that funk, everyone else had lives. It was not pleasant coming home, but everyone else was going to work, school, they were productive. While she sat and stewed and researched clinical diagnosis. And then as she was coming out of the funk, she wonders why she had such fractured relationships with me, her husband, and even her own children after a while. I am not saying Wild Thing is on this wavelength, but it does sound eerily similar and maybe on that path. Just something to think about.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Nivea, good for you that you moved forward. Congrats. Its intereesting you mention this -- my daughter has one friend who is a child of divorce who comes over, but my D never goes over there. Dont know why.


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kkny

KKNY, thank you. I've talked to quite a few people who were children of divorce and a lot have mentioned not bringing friends home, particularly at Dad/Stepmoms rather than Mom/Stepdads. For much of the same reasons as me. I think in part it has to do with gender as females maybe a little more moody, but when its your mother its easy to brush away "this is just mom" etc. Or Mom may be a little more motivated in welcoming childs friends. But stepmom (again, not all!) it is quite a bit more uncomfortable on the childs part, and as we've seen here (not all SMs again!) quite a few blame the child rather than the spouse or the actual situation. Most people in this situation I've talked to just would rather not bother.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

yes I see some of you are still obsessed with my sd. Maybe some of you need to disengage.

I have already stated before in previous threads that is what I am doing.

To disengage for me means that I do not have to do anything for her. That includes giving her a ride. No it was not rude, because we have talked to sd before, and let her know, that if we are not home, or can not come to get her, that she should start walking home. Things were in high stress mode here and I was not going to interact with my sd.

Most of you obviously did not read my post. Thats okay. You are more interested in bashing then anything. Sad for you.

Some are also hung up on dh "working 50 hrs a week" etc. and me just being a SAHM. Well, again, if anyone bothered to read any of my previous posts in other threads, you would already know that I do work at home. I make jewelry and sell jewelry online. I have a store on ebay and a store on Etsy.

Try looking up attachment disorders and there you will find just a small bit of what I and dh have to deal with in my sd on a daily basis.

I feel sorry for her too. Because she had a bio mom who did not take care of her and her brother, and raise them with love and understanding. When they came to live with us, they were taken care of and loved. But in children with attachment disorders that doesn't matter. They will spend every waking moment pushing you away. Without good support this is very draining on the parents. Harder still to find a good therapist. In fact, there is only one in our area, and we used her when we had my ss. This disorder is generally recognizable in adopted children, and that is who that counselor usually worked with, so it was new for her to work with us as a blended family and it didn't quite work out because bio mom was involved in the therapy also and things never progressed.

We didn't want to admit that sd has the same issues as her brother. Because that was a very hard time for us. It took us a long time to heal from those years with him. It was pretty much like having PTSD. To admit that sd has the same attachment issues was scary for us. We have even discussed finding our old therapist. Dh has discussed this already with her current therapist and she was honest that she has not dealt with many attachment disorder issues, but does have some knowledge of them, which is not good enough to be honest.

I don't want to say anymore about it. Mostly because people do not get it and do not understand it.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I reread and I guess I was confused in thinking he was at work when she got off work. If he had the car and he told her he'd get her, then why is she calling you? You could have answered the phone and said call your dad... or you could have said your dad isn't here and he has the car. But, then you say:

"He goes and picks her up.
That is the kind of sh*t that just bugs me to no end with him"

and if you are disengaged, why does it bother you? You ignored your phone when she was calling but when he gets home and goes to get her, why do you care?


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RE: Dh's on being dad

and if you are disengaged, why does it bother you? You ignored your phone when she was calling but when he gets home and goes to get her, why do you care?

No, he was not at work when she got off. He had some things to go do..his own errands to run that I could not do for him (everyone straight on that???). That is one reason why he was kickin' himself in the as* for calling her in the first place, because he realized too late that he should not have. He should have called her to tell her. Another reason he kicked himself in the as$. It is done and over with though.
I don't know why I didn't answer the phone, I just didn't want to. I was being obstinant I suppose. It wasn't my mess to fix. It was his.
I am not disengaged from my dh, which is what the thread is about. How we deal and engage with our dh's . That was my question. Apparently no one here has a dh that they actually talk to.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"I've talked to quite a few people who were children of divorce and a lot have mentioned not bringing friends home, particularly at Dad/Stepmoms rather than Mom/Stepdads."

this is interesting. I never thought of it. SO's DD brings all kind fo girlfriends when she is home from college, but she would never ever bring anything to moms' house. She is terribly embarassed of mom's BF who is entirelly inappropriate (see wedding threads ha). i wonder if mom's BF also thinks that DD20 has no friends just because she would never ever bring anyone there. hhhmmm


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working from home versus 9-5

working from home still makes one more available for pick ups than working elsewhere. i do not have day job during summer but being an artist i still paint during summer and I sell and place my art in galleries, shows etc. But since most of the time I am either paint at home or in a studio that i share wiht other artists, i am available for pick ups much more likely than people who are 9-5 in the office. I am available for picking up my DD or SO's DDs when they are in town much more likely than SO can, he can't leave work, while i can leave my easel or PC. You made it sound like making jewerly makes you glued to your chair. i suspect you can move jewerly aside and go pick SD up. if you don't waht to, say so, but do not use jewerly making as an excuse.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I think this whole thread has gotten off topic. WT asked how she can better deal with her DH. I can relate. It is really frustrating when a parent won't or can't follow through on anything.

I told DH last night I would loooove for Super Nanny to come to our house. At 7:45 pm last night, DH told SS if he didn't get into his pajamas and brush his teeth immediately (as he'd been asked/told three times before) he was not going to get to stay up to watch a movie and would have to go straight to bed. Ten minutes later, DH finds SS in his room playing, NOT in his pajamas, not having brushed his teeth---and DH says "this is your last warning."

I was like "hon, you already GAVE him his last warning."

But nothing I say/observe matters. So I am really going to try to just not say anything at all! Let DH deal with it and he can deal with the fall-out down the road that comes with having a child that doesn't respect what you say---because you don't make them and because you show them constantly that your words mean NOTHING.


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reply

"You made it sound like making jewerly makes you glued to your chair. i suspect you can move jewerly aside and go pick SD up. if you don't waht to, say so, but do not use jewerly making as an excuse."

I get what you're saying, FD, and I agree that working from home usually gives one more flexibility. BUT I know people who work from home that like to stick to a schedule and that helps them keep things moving efficiently, etc. It's easy to get distracted when working from home and sometimes you do have to set boundaries and say "from 10 AM to 3 PM (or whatever) I am 'at work' and not to be disturbed."

When I was a freshman in college, I nannied that summer for a woman who worked from home. My hours were 9-2, and my job was to pretend she was not there. She had a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old, but every day during those hours she was "at work" even though she was right at home.

I think in this situation, though, it is less about WT's flexibility and more about disengaging.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Love, I have to disagree. I think what people are trying to say is that if WT isnt reasonable, no matter how she communicates it wont help. She can choose to disregard that advice, but that is what is about. The big picture.

This is a teen who is working. OK, so not bottem of the heep.


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SD's issues

I agree that SD possibly has some issues, but your behavior towards her is not going to make it any better. It is tough with teenagers, even with no isues. I sympathize...But i don't see anything that horrific about her behaviors different from typical teenage crap. I still don't know what exactly is that bad what she does. What does her therapist say? if it is that bad, therapist must see something that goes beyond teenage drama. If SD trully has detachment disorder then she must be suffering, i don't know how your behavior is going to help, it just aggravates it. as about your DH, he is caught between two people whom he loves but who cannot get along, it is tough on him too.


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love

love, of course I am not saying that one has to dump everything and run around picking people up. But it is not about having legitimate reasons for certain actions. I agree with pretty much everyone here that wildthing is not being reasonable in her behavior with SD. not picking up the phone for an hour, listening to "little nasty messages" and not telling SD that dad has the car was childish and wrong on every level, it is not disengaging, disengaging would be pick up the phone and tell SD to dial dad's number since he is off work and has the car.

doesn't matter if she is neurosurgeon or makes jewerly at home. this behavior breeds nothing positive. unless she gets it, i expect more problems as SD becomes an adult. One just doesn't act like this unless one wants a disaster.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Are you kidding me?

you made it sound like making jewerly makes you glued to your chair. i suspect you can move jewerly aside and go pick SD up. if you don't waht to, say so, but do not use jewerly making as an excuse.

I can't win for losing with most of you. First it is the assumption that I don't work and am just a SAHM...I have plenty of time to go around catering to my SD. Then when you find out I actually work from home, then it is, I still have time I am not glued to my chair after all. She is not the only child in the house. I am chasing around after an almost 2 year old also, and trying to find things to entertain the 6 year old. Thank the lord that the 15 year old is self sufficient enough to take care of himself, and can have his friends over (they don't seem to think I am an embarassment at all). I actually have had very little time to work on my jewelry, definitely not as much as I would like.


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RE: Dh's on being dad again

I think this whole thread has gotten off topic. WT asked how she can better deal with her DH. I can relate. It is really frustrating when a parent won't or can't follow through on anything.

You think? lol...obviously it is more entertaining for some to nit pick everything I say rather than join in on a topic that could benefit anyone.

Thank you for sharing though Lovehadley. Your story is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about. It is very frustrating when the husbands/dad's do not follow through and then wonder why the kids don't listen to them.


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Wild Thing

Is the problem that your DH said that he would pick up SD and then he was not at home to take her calls in order to go pick her up? Is it that she has been treating you and the rest of the family badly and so he told her that nobody is doing her any favors anymore and now he is not following through? Is it that he picked her up after he returned home and she had been calling? I think the reason people are nit-picking is because it's not really clear what you are upset about.

I don't really understand what he is not following through with.

I can see why it would upset you that he volunteered you to do something you didn't want to do, even though I don't necessarily understand what she has done to make you so mad at her that you wouldn't, but I guess that is between you and you don't seem to want to discuss that.


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RE: Dh's on being dad 2

I still don't know what exactly is that bad what she does. What does her therapist say? if it is that bad, therapist must see something that goes beyond teenage drama. If SD trully has detachment disorder then she must be suffering, i don't know how your behavior is going to help, it just aggravates it. as about your DH, he is caught between two people whom he loves but who cannot get along, it is tough on him too.

you wouldn't, and neither would anyone else who did not live with her or spend a lot of time with her. That is how kids with attachment issues keep it.
I already tried to explain that she is highly manipulative, triangulating, and passive aggressive. It isn't always one huge thing, it is usually a million little things.

Even my own parents didn't see it at first. They do now, but it took them a long time...and in that time they were always on my dh and I about issues with her. Because she would tell my little sister things and she would then go back and tell my parents, who would call me wondering what was up. Most were lies, or really stretched out versions of the truth. It caused a lot of stress, but finally they saw first hand (we let her go to their house on weekends and spend time with my sister) and they saw her start lying, they saw her different personas, and they saw her hit on and flirt with my 37 year old brother, and other things that were just inappropriate.

I also ended a 22 year friendship because she got involved in it and told lies again. Lies about nothing big but just enough to get people going. She was supposed to be babysitting for my friend and instead she weaved her way in and told me that they were friends now. My friend was confronting me about this and that, all things that were told to her by my sd. In the end I told my friend not to ever call me again unless she could apologize because things got real ugly between us, she has called a few times but not to apologize. I forgave my sd (because I just about sent her back to her mom's then). I gave her yet another chance because she was the kid, and my friend was the adult and should have seen her mistake in it all.

I have been having friends come over to visit, and sd will pop out onto the deck and totally try involve herself in our conversations, until I have to tell her to find something else to do. Some of you may not see anything wrong with this, but ,his is the same girl who won't even call her own friends, and will not sit and try to have a conversation with me.

Her therapist is just now seeing the real her too. She is supposed to be working on "relationships" and she has been doing everything she can, not to, and that is being seen now. She is seeing that sd is not actively participating in her own therapy. She is just telling her what she wants to hear but the reality is way different. I don't know what her therapist plans on doing.

It is the whole family that suffers because of her attachment issues. I have a 23 month old who when he gets mad now, or is told no, he pulls his hair, hits himself, or pinches himself or others. She never thought we would find out that she was doing those things to the baby.
Her 6 year old sister has a voice now too, because she used to do it to her too. Now she just says mean things to her and belittles her. We don't leave her alone with the baby any longer.

If you want to know more about attachment issues then read about it.


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RE: Dh's on being dad re

Is the problem that your DH said that he would pick up SD and then he was not at home to take her calls in order to go pick her up? Is it that she has been treating you and the rest of the family badly and so he told her that nobody is doing her any favors anymore and now he is not following through?

Yes, it is those things. He called her and told her to call, forgetting that he had stuff to do. Knowing that sd and I were not talking, because she had been treating me like crap for two weeks already. I stopped doing her favors awhile ago. Yes, she has also been treating everyone else in the family like crap too.

I can see why it would upset you that he volunteered you to do something you didn't want to do, even though I don't necessarily understand what she has done to make you so mad at her that you wouldn't, but I guess that is between you and you don't seem to want to discuss that.,

well thanks for that at least. It did piss me off that he volunteered me, but I couldn't do it anyway regardless, because he had the vehicle! Another reason I was frustrated with HIM. She did what she wanted in the end and waited until he picked her up. She has had to wait in the past for similiar reasons ie, doing something else at the time, so it isn't like she was totally put out.
I didn't want to pick up my phone because I knew she would be snide anyway, and I just didn't want to hear it or deal with it. Just flat didn't. If that in itself makes me an awful step mom then I guess I am.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I think some people were under the impression that you didn't go pick her up because you were blaming her for her bike being stolen.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

I got the impression from the first post that WT didnt want to pick her for a combineation of just doesnt like her and bike stolen. Its obviously an unfortuante relationship. That being said, I think any parent or stepparent is better off giving rides so kid can do better at work or school. OK the kid was later for work -- well that happens, doesnt mean you give up.

I think there is an inconsistency sometimes between stepparent wanting respect as adult and stepparent and not realizing that teens do not generally perform as adults.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

No, it was not her fault the bike was stolen. But she could have locked it up with her lock. I had said in another thread that we have been getting things stolen, it was two lawn mowers the week before.

In fact, dh thinks it is his son, her brother, doing the stealing. Just by the nature of what was stolen and how. Since he is without work, his own place, and has a preggo g/f that would mean he is in need of money. And before anyone goes off on me for that, I will clarify that we have several lawn mowers in our back yard. All by our garden. Three of them do not work, but are newer, the two that were stolen...one was up by our house, the other one was behind a wooden sled behind our garage and barely visible. Those were the two stolen. The person who stole them went to a lot of trouble for the two that worked, and by passed the three that are visible. SS knew which lawnmowers worked, because he lived with us last year. Plus he thinks his dad owes him. The bike, they took and bypassed the other bikes and scooters in the yard, and a 4 wheeler.
And before I get jumped for having so many lawn mowers, I will remind you that dh works for a recycling company and he is going to be recycling the lawnmowers if he can not get any of them running. He does that each year, with lawnmowers tossed out by people,, because they are usually easy fixes for him. He already gave one away to our neighbor that he had fixed. He is still using it.


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RE: Dh's on being dad ugg

I got the impression from the first post that WT didnt want to pick her for a combineation of just doesnt like her and bike stolen. Its obviously an unfortuante relationship.

It really is an unfortunate relationship, and definitely not because I havn't tried my as$ off.

I care for my sd. I just don't like her behaviors. That probably does come across in my posts because I do get frustrated about the things she does. It doesn't mean that I have given up etc.
i am still here, and still talking to my dh about things. I just don't want to be responsible for her. I don't think I should have to. I already did a lot of that, and I don't want to any longer.

She needs to be responsible for herself.
Just merely having a job does not make someone responsible. It is a step in the right direction, but far from any goal.

It was one day, that she did not get a ride and had to walk. It isnt' like miles to her work. It is a good walk for the exercise. Hardly a trek across town.
Do you all want to know what I did for her the next day??? I asked my dad if she could use one of their bikes, and he said sure. We picked it up, went and bought a new lock, and brought it home for her.
Oh yeah, and when school is in session, dh takes them in the a.m, and I pick them up after school. Except on a rare occasion where I am doing something, then they have to walk the 15 minute, it takes to get home. She is a Jr. this year, so this has been going on since she was a freshman. Before that, she was in jr high, and I took her to school and and picked her up both for those two years.

Yep, this one time that I decided not to give her a ride..... lol . I am so terrible.

I wish I were as perfect as some of you here, then perhaps I wouldn't have any troubles at all.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

this is all pretty messed up, and now younger children too? hitting themselves and others?

how long has she been with dad full time? as i see you knew her since she was 2, she is 17 now. i know it is easy to say that she is this way because of her mom, same with her troublesome brother. but where was their dad all this time? it is not like she turned this way now, there was 15 years prior to her becoming such a difficult person. there got to be multiple reasons why both of his children this way and now it sounds younger children developing issues too? this is very frustrating but how did it get to be this bad?


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RE: Dh's on being dad

She has been living with us full time since she was in the 5th grade. We got her about half way through the 5th grade year. We saw the kids very little and often had no idea where they were. She got her CS but would not let him see the kids because she was jealous of our relationship, and she even accused him of being my oldest son's dad. No he isn't.

Dh would call to get the kids for his weekends, and the phone would be disconnected yet again. He would try to call her mom or one of her sisters and they refused to give her number to him. This behavior is not unusual for that family, they do it to all the husbands the sisters marry and divorce. They start using the kids against the man. they tell the kids lies about the dad. they convince the kids to tell lies.
It is like they follow some sort of text book or map for this. We know this because my dh's best friend was also married to one of the sisters and he had the same trouble and even worse than my dh. He had two kids (not his, he is infertile but treated the kids like his own and let them take his name) she had from cheating on him. When they divorced, she would not let him see the kids, and started telling lies, got the oldest boy to start telling lies too, stuff like he abused him etc. He finally got fed up and didn't want anything to do with the whole family, period. The sad thing is, that he was killed in a terrible accident about two weeks ago, with his new wife. Like vultures they are right there wanting to know what the boy gets. Even though every one of them treated him like sh*t and didn't want anything to do with him apart from his CS. That is how they try and treat my dh as well.

That whole family has told lies about him and about me. to the kids. To anyone who will listen. We did not see the kids on a regular basis until my sd was in the 3rd grade. That was when my dh found out that the father of his ex's husband had sexually molested her. He wanted to kill the man. He tried to do what he could, but they would not let him do anything, either through her mom, or through the police. Not legally because they told him he did not live in the county that it happened in, and he was not the custodial parent. It didn't help that the man who molested her was a church pastor and everyone thought she was lying. Her mom wouldn't press charges or anything. They still go and visit him and he goes over to their house on a regular basis. He suposedly had a bad heart and they didn't want to put him through anything. We also think he molested my ss as well, but he refuses to even talk about it, even when he was in therapy. But he could talk about when his sister was molested. Blah!

Dh made sure sd got counseling then, it went for a short time and then her mom quit taking her. This was when we got my ss. Because she "couldn't handle" him. We had him for almost two years. the entire time he was in intensive therapy. Dx with several things, reactive attachment disorder was but one. He had a whole team of professionals trying to help him. He went back to his mom's and a few months later we ended up with sd, because she felt safer living with us.

Their mom, never took care of them. They were left to their own devices, and left to roam around. We know this because my dh grew up in a rural area, and knows a lot of people who later told us a lot of stories. Every one of the people that he ran into always told him they were so happy to see he had her or his son etc. Because no one had anything nice to say about their mother or her family. They hadn't even lived in the area for very long.

My sd was changing her brother's diapers (from her mom) when she was four years old. they were spanked all the time for doing things after the fact, because no one bothered to pay attention to what they were doing in the first place.

When we got each one of them, we have had to teach them the most basic of hygiene, from taking regular baths, and how to clean yourself, to brushing hair, teeth, changing into clean socks and underwear, and on and on. they did not know how to do it. They were never taught. they ate pb&J sandwiches all the time because their mom didn't want to cook. Or they ate raw pasta etc.
No, their mom was not on drugs and not an alcoholic, she just sat on the couch and watched tv. Thats it. I swear to God. I am not even kidding. She would let them run around in dirty diapers until they were falling off, and then change them, and stuff the diapers under the couch.

When dh was married to her he often worked out of town and would have to be gone for days. He showed me a picture of their laundry room, and I kid you not it was waist high with dirty laundry. Filled. They divorced when his oldest was 5. but their marriage was over long before that, as she cheated on him several times.

We knew after having his son, that their were big issues. We wouldn't even begin to know the extent of the things that went on. It was purely lack of any sort of guidance, nuturing, parenting, etc. It was neglect. Physical and emotional. They said awful things to the kids too.

So. We spent about three years trying to locate the kids off and on, just so he could see them. They do not live in the same county. She moved all the time and changed phone numbers all the time. We even found out that they lived about six blocks away from us at one point, in the same city! So yes, we can safely say that their mother caused any issues they have now. He and I have done nothing but try to help these kids heal and know what a family should feel like.

things were okay at first with sd, and she only had small issues with an occational big incident, we did always noticed a lot of innapropriate behaviors, but would just try to let her know and do a redirect. But It wasn't until she hit puberty that things got really bad. So no, this didn't just pop up over night.
I just never bothered to share all of the story, because to be quite honest it would take several books. I only scratched the surface here as it is.

No, the baby is not "developing" issues too. He is only 2 years old and he is mimicking how he has been treated. When he gets mad, he wants to hit, scratch, and pinch. When he is told no, he thinks he should pull his hair because he thinks he is doing something wrong. Understand? We are working with him to get him to see that he doesn't have to do those things, but when you teach a small child something it is hard to unlearn.
Apparently she is mean and abusive to him because she is jealous of him. Jealous that he is taken care of, because it is something she didn't get. that is what the therapist says, and it sort of makes sense. I guess that is why she did it also to our 6 year old. (see issues back then too, just wasn't posting here for you all to read about it).
It is easy to feel sorry for her right away because of all the things she has gone through etc. We did. I did. I still do. But, it is all not an excuse to behave the way she does and sabotage all relationships in her life. Which is what she is doing. She is pushing away me, because I have proven to be there for her, and she continues to test that. b ut the problem is, I am only human and I can only take so much abuse from someone. If it were a man treating me this way, everyone here would say "get out". But because she is a kid....I am just supposed to endure.
she is going to have to work at some things if she expects change. Dh and I have to realize that WE are the ones who have been doing all the work thus far and not her. She needs to start working on herself for herself. Stop blaming the world and thinking that people owe her. It is the same attitude her brother had, has, and it sure hasn't got him very far.

Anything else y'all want to know????


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Wow.

Ok, now this girl's behavior makes a lot more sense to me.

Molestation is a HUGE deal. My cousin was molested at the age of 12 by his stepfather. He didn't tell anyone for YEARS; and only then did he tell people because it was pried out of him in therapy. The reasoning was because his younger half-brother (stepfather and mother's son) who was 3 told his mom that "daddy touched his penis." Mom filed for divorce almost immediately and suddenly, her older son's (my cousin)behavior made sense. She said he had gone camping with his stepfather at age 12 and came home a "different kid." He went from being sweet and shy to angry, setting fires, acting out, etc.

Anyway, from age 12-19, he was a MESS. Set fires, did drugs, got kicked out of public school, went to a very expensive private school for troubled teens, got kicked out there, in and out of juvi, etc. At 19, he was involved in a shooting. THAT seemed to be his wakeup call and he got his life together. Got his GED. Started taking college courses. Got a steady job and held it for 4 years. Had a baby with his GF.

The court stuff from the shooting dragged on, his parents got him the best defense attorney possible, we all (family members, friends, even his boss) wrote letters on his behalf about his change----the judge could have sentenced him to 10 years but based on all this positive stuff, he got 3 yrs, which was mandatory. He HAD to serve some sentence and three was the min. he could have gotten.

So--at 24 yrs old my cousin is now halfway through his prison sentence.

I blame ALL of this on what happened to him when he was a young boy. It TRAMATIZED him and CHANGED the course of his life.

I know his mom, who is my mom's first cousin, will never, ever forgive herself for not seeing the signs. :(

Anyway---my point is---your SD was molested in 3rd grade, so, what, 8 years ago? I know she went to therapy when it happened and that is wonderful---BUT that does not mean she is not still dealing with what happened to her.

If the therapist she's seeing now isn't working with her on this, I would suggest finding a new one. There are support groups for victims of sexual abuse, and you might want to see if you can find some.

"It is easy to feel sorry for her right away because of all the things she has gone through etc. We did. I did. I still do. But, it is all not an excuse to behave the way she does and sabotage all relationships in her life. Which is what she is doing. "

I totally agree with the above statement. This girl needs help/tools to deal with what's happened to her. It sounds like her whole childhood, until she came to you guys, was a mess. :( Like you said, it's not a crutch, and she can't use it as an excuse to treat people badly---but it sounds to me like she just still needs a lot of therapy and work to overcome what she's been through.

(((HUGS))) to you, it sounds like you really fought alongside your DH to protect his kids.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Thank you lovehadley.
I have tried. I have put my heart and soul into my step kids. By my very nature I care for all kids. That is why I went into the profession I did and spent 3 years working with kids with emotional problems..mostly kids in the foster care system, but some were not. I didn't do it for very long, because there came a time when there was no line between work and home. I would have to deal with kids issues at work, and then come home to the same thing.

Most of my "anger" & "frustration" is my very own defense mechanism, because I have been hurt by the things my sd says and does. When you see it, hear it, and live with it day in and out, it wears you down. You weaken, and it is hard to be solid for them. You can know the whys and hows of a situation or behavior, but it doesn't matter when you are pushed away constantly, over and over again. Plus it isn't the first time. This was also the case with her brother as well. I think we went to stress mode earlier with her because we instinctively knew what it was going to be like.

Her dad and I both would love to go to counseling for ourselves, but we simply can not afford it. Not with her going to therapy twice a month. She needs it more than we do. She was going every week, but we had to go every other week because of cost. Her mom doesn't help pay for anything. So my dh and I just try to keep communication real open between us. We have our moments, but we work through them.

It has been difficult just to try to keep our family together. The stress that both of my step children cause is tremendous. I am not blaming them either, it is just the way that the situations are. With my ss on his way to fatherhood with no job, no place to live with a new family, possibly stealing from us, and not speaking to his dad, it is a stress. With my sd constantly in some sort of mood, and wanting attention and not knowing the proper way to achieve good attention, being mean to her little sister and brother, and not working in therapy....it is stress.

We have our six year old who will be going into the first grade, and she is our drama queen. She wants the tips of her hair dyed to look like her friends, she wants a cell phone for her 7th birthday, she wants to stay up till midnight, and the list goes on. Our now 2 year old can open our doors, locks and all, so we have to be on constant alert, he climbs on everytthing and falls off too, so he is full of bumps and bruises, he won't leave his big sis alone (6 year old), he hates taking naps, he doesn't like to go to bed, he always wants to be outdoors even if its raining, the list goes on. My point is, that whether we have my sd's issues or not, we have other children in the house who are growing up as well and they too need our attention, and when my sd is acting out, demanding our attention, it takes away from the family as a whole. She has to learn how to get the right kind of attention, she has to learn how to maintain the relationships in her life, and how to be a part of the family, and on and on.

I did not include any issues from my oldest son. Not because he is "perfect", but because he has a very special ability to see the stress that we are under, and he keeps things real simple. His minimal requirements are that mom feed him and help him keep his clothes clean, and have a bit of conversation with his silly questions each day (like..."If I used my cell phone in another country, and dialed my own phone number would someone else answer?" lol) and he is pretty much a happy camper. I try to spend some alone time with him (like when we go for our walks), so he can see I am okay. Because he is moving into a mode lately of worrying about mom a little too much.
Yesterday I didn't feel well, and he brought me a cup of ice water, ibuprofen, and some vitamin C. He is a good boy. I am blessed to have him. I have to pick him up soon, as he spent the night with a friend.

So sorry for the rambling post. But I feel like I have to over explain everything here, because some people just don't want to accept that I have skids who are truly in need of professional help, and that I am not the reason behind my sd's behavior.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

wow, SD is a deeply troubled child due to how she was brought up and what she had to endure. So sorry for her being molested, I don't know if and how one recovers from it... It explains why she is abusing her siblings, she was abused and neglected for way too long. She might be also angry at her father that she was left with neglectful mother for that many eyars. She needs very serious help. This is just awful. My whole point is that she is not getting help she needs, it is understanble her behavior is tough to endure and it is tough on you but was she evaluated properly? i think she is suffering, that's why she acts the way she does and it damages other children. if therapy doesn't help what about psychiatrist? my heart goes to her and other children.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

She has not been evaluated like her brother was. We see it is the same issues. The problem is, they will not accept the help they are given. You can lead a horse to water....

She is getting help, but she does not want to change. That is the core problem at this point. Plus there are very few professionals that deal with our issues and we are not comfortable getting a hold of my ss's old therapist, because she was mainly used to working with adopted children, and not blended families. It was a big difference. What do we do then? I do not know.

FTR... i can not stress enough that this goes way beyond the molestation, that alone does not cause the issues we are dealing with. It is mainly the level of neglect that occurred when they were very young. there is no trust in these children, and no matter what we have done to try and gain that through the years has made much of a dent at this time in regards to how they view relationships.

Yes, people can recover from being molested. You become a survivor, not a victim. It is an attitude, a view.

More than being mad at her dad, she is jealous of her little sister and brother, because she sees what she did not get from her own mother. Regardless that we are her family too and have treated her the same way as the others and often giving a lot of extra attention.

But the older she gets, the less likely she will be able to get away with her behaviors. That is why we have her seeing a professional. But if she doesn't want to change, there is not a whole lot anyone can do for her at this point. Which is not uncommon for kids like her, who then grow into troubled adults.

I have been spending some time on an old forum we frequented when we had my ss, and it has been good for me. I forgot the stress that can be felt, and it is so good to be around people who understand, and who know what we are going through. We forgot about respite care...while she is too old at this point, we kind of think of her being at work as our respite.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"because she sees what she did not get from her own MOTHER. Regardless that we are her family too and have treated her the same way as the others and often giving a lot of extra attention."

not to blame the FATHER, but she didn't get it from her father either. He was not around when she was molested and neglected. She gets attention now but she needed it when she was crawling in dirty diapers or whatever else was going on wiht neglect.

I understand that dad says he cannot locate her or she moved or what other reasons, but in her mind those reasons aren't good enough.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

Hitting, pinching, scratching, biting, hair pulling (their own and others) are "typical" behaviors for a toddler. Since they are unable to clearly communicate verbally, this is their way of communication and socialization. I'm a bit of a research geek and that's what I've read, etc. At least he's not repetitively banging his head on the floor - I guess that's another behavior toddlers will use to attempt to communicate... It doesn't necessarily mean they are mimicking behavior that is/was done to them.

If she IS abusing him and the 6 year old, why have you not removed them from the situation? As their mother, I feel it is your duty to protect your children from harm. Who cares about all the other stuff your SD is or is not doing - your first responsibility is the safety of your little children. If you do nothing, then you are just as guilty.


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lonepiper

"Hitting, pinching, scratching, biting, hair pulling (their own and others) are "typical" behaviors for a toddler."

"If she IS abusing him and the 6 year old, why have you not removed them from the situation? If you do nothing, then you are just as guilty.'

I have to disagree that it is typical. I do not think it is typical unless there is a reason for such frustration (not necessarilly abuse but maybe overall stressful environment). Neither my DD, nor my niece or nephew ever ever did that, none of the children of my friends did that.

i do agree with the rest of your post. I have very hard time understanding how is it 2 babies are being seriously physically abused and nothing gets done. Something just doesn't add up in this story. I would never ever let anyone touch my baby, no matter who does the abuse.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

As the mother who only had one child ... you really don't know how young siblings interact with each other ... mine are 10, 11, 14 they still hit pinch punch poke jab at each other..... someday the jealousy will end.... maybe when they move out on their own.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

"you really don't know how young siblings interact with each other"

pseudo, i have siblings so why do you say i don't understand how siblings interact wiht each other....I sure know.

as about OP's situation teenage girl was beating up a newborn infant, we are not talking about kids punching each other. baby cannot possibly punch back. maybe you think beating up a baby is OK, not OK in my books.

i do have to add though that the fact that your kids of 10,11, 14 hit or punch each other doesn't make it normal. i am not very surprised though. also having multiple children doesn't make one an expert on child rearing at all.


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RE: Dh's on being dad

hahaha Not my kids ... to correct ...

My kids teased each other .... get out of my room the other standing with toes touching door jam ... I am not in your room etc. ....

Hitting was not allowed with my kids :) mine are 7 years apart if she hit him she was in big trouble being 7 years older she should know better ...

Not an expert on multiples just know how 3 close in age SC interact with each other.


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