What a upset to the little one. I'm thinking I understand to a certain degree to SD concern, but why uninvite him? Dad is on his way over there, suggest dad spend a bit of time at party so son can have some fun that all is comfortable with, snacks/cakes, games and then bring him home. Let dad do the supervision, child gets somewhat included . Suggest maybe son be left off the water activity and gets to do rest. Being there for some of the fun would be better to child then being excused and sent home.

I had a headache the other day, & I was watching everything that came on tv, including a Halloween episode of "According to Jim".

The story was that Jim's small son wanted to go trick-or-treating dressed as Cinderella.

Jim yelled & hollered & pitched a fit & finally adjourned to the kitchen for a beer, at which point his son's teen-aged self appeared to him & they had a discussion.

Jim said he didn't want his son to be a sissy, he wanted his son to stand up for himself.

The son's teen-aged self said, "I'm 4 years old (or 5 or something) & I'm standing up to *you*, aren't I? What *I* need is a dad who's got my back."

so Jim put on a dress & went trick-or-treating with his son.

"I feel DH should let them have it himself but of course, he feels caught in the middle and doesn't want to make a bad situation worse by telling his adult kids what s___theads they really are."

Your son needs a dad who's got his back, & the smoke that comes out of your ears should be directed at your hubs's spineless, enabling behavior.

If my hubs wouldn't stand up to this *very* grown woman (entirely old enough to know better), I'd tell hubs to get out of my way & I'd do it myself.

If my son didn't have a dad who's got his back, he *would* have a mom who does.

which is not to say my son would ever know a breath of any of this;

I think justmetoo has a good idea-
instruct dad to go, enjoy some games, have some snacks, plead tired daddy syndrome & come home.

I'm holding your little one in my thoughts & in my heart.

Why doesn't dad just stay for the party, so he can watch DS??????

I'm so very sorry about the hurt you're feeling for your son Lamom :( and hugs (((DS))).

"How can they not care about this boy even a little bit? I guess I keep asking this question over and over but not let him be at a kid's bday party because you don't want to be responsible? How cold can you get?"

I'm thinking you're probably beating yourself up for having "trusted" that SD would have turned into the caring "woman" you want her to be.
She is never going to be the older "sister" you want her to be to your son. NEVER.
And I realize how hard it is to want it to be different, but it isn't.

I sometimes think the reason our society has become so blase' or an attitude of "each man for himself" is because no person wants to "make waves".
I believe that if I'm silent when I witness a moral wrong or basic human uncaring , then that makes me an active participant in that very wrong.
Because God forbid I should make "waves". Right?

I really don't have a solution. Other than to say that you must stop any expectations from her in order to save yourself.

I undestand you are hurt...

I wonder if there are other little children at the party and SD worries that she won't be able to watch your son properly. I think if he has catteter and it is a water party SD worries what is she going to do if he jumps in the water. I think she knows if something happens to him there, she will be blamed.

I think it is easy to solve. Your DH could go to he party and help to watch his son. And if it is too embarassing for your little one, then dad could pretend that he is there to help wiht all the kids. No need to start WWIII over this. Did dad suggest to help at the party?

I do not see this as an uninvite for your son at all. Sd clearly said she does not want to be responsible for him due to the catheter and the water activities. this doesn't mean he can't do all the other activities.
She didn't state i dotn want him at the party. the night before she was discussing with both of you how your son will participate since there is water activities. If you did not give her a clear answer to this , this is why she said she wont be responsible should anythign happen due to his condition. I dont blame her and i wouldn't start WW3 over this. i would call her up and state you or your dh will be at the party to supervise your son due to his catheter. this way your son participates , gets the bday cake and play with the kids. Explain to your son that he can't go near water due to catheter but he can do other things there.
Now if your SD says no to this, then you can definity say she's a s--thead and she doesn't want him there at all......
but at this point i would get your dh or you can call her yourself and say i understand your concern, so one of us is comign to supervise him personally this way you are off the hook for this and our son can enjoy the party.
Its simple. really it is. Dont fret.

Thanks for all of the perspective. I feel that my son, DS 6 1/2, 1/2 brother to DH's adult kids is being treated more like a proverbial step child, which he is not.

SD35 has offered to help throw a party for DS 6 1/2 for his 7th birthday later this month. I feel strongly that this is an effort for her to make up for the MIA/bad treatment they have shown my sick son for the last year leading up to him being excluded from the cousin's party. She will do most of the work and pay at least half of the bill. However, although she hasn't said it, I know that these same relatives would have to be included as guests if she organizes it. She is already talking about the relatives who would be there.

My feelings are very hard about these people now. I know this is not good or healthy which is why I am sharing it here. I would rather do something smaller with people, adult and child, that I know CARE about my son and me. We really don't need DH's old family, at least I don't. Which let's my husband's adult kids and the grandbrats out.

It has been interesting, we've been getting calls from the skids about DS 6 1/2 7th bday, how will he celebrate, "we want to be there" etc. Double uggg. They know that they are wrong, have crossed a line and want to get back on the other side. The insincerity just reeks!

may be insincerity, may be embarrassment, doesn't matter.

Let them do some atoning.

It'll help your son's feelings, & these people are your son's family, they'll be in his life forever.

But you do need to control the size & scope of the party;
you're his mother, & you need to be sure that the festivities are meant for *him* & are appropriate for his age & his abilities, not a bunch of over-the-top razzle-dazzle to obscure the hosts' guilty consciences.

(Did he get to go to the party?
Did hubs take him?)

Sylvia and all,

My son did not go to the original cousin's party. hubby just picked him up since it was clear he was being excluded.

Especially since your son is doing so much better I think he could have 2 parties. You plan one with the people you want and let your adult SD do most of planing for the other.

I think I would talk to your son about his birthday and how he wishes to celebrate it. No, don't fill him in on what everybody thinks/wants, a simple 'honey, there's a big special day coming up this month, how would you like to celebrate?'. What does he want? Who does he want to invite if anyone? It's a big special day and I'd do my best to make the day as to what he wants.

I hope your son has a wonderful birthday filled with love and fun and well wishes

Lamom -

I've commented on your other posts and I understand why you have your feelings. Like just about everyone here, I always side with you, but I think you are at a point where you want it both ways and I don't think it's right. You are justifiably angry about the exclusion from the party, and you also express in your posts how much it bothers you that they don't see him as their brother.

Now your SD wants to help you throw a party for him and you suspect her motives are driven by guilt and are insincere. She is for whatever reason participating in his life, which is what you always say you want; and you are complaining about the family members she wishes or you believe she wishes to include on the guest list. Like it or not, these people are part of your DS's family.

I guess I am seeing you as expecting too much or wanting specifically defined behaviors from your Adult SK's and anything else from them is unacceptable. Again, guilt or not, she is attempting to actively participate in her bro's life. This is just something to contemplate. You need to decided to either let her in or keep her out. Meanwhile, the suggestion to have your son's input for his part may be best.

The part that stuck out to me was this:

"He spent the night there with the other little kids for the first time in over a year. SD35 discussed how DS 6 1/2 could participate as he still has a catheter inserted in his chest." and "DH is hoping that this doesn't erupt in to another feud between them and me which is why he is picking DS 6 1/2 up himself."

Did no one notice that this little boy had been at his FIRST SLEEPOVER IN A YEAR thinking he was going to be at the party the next day. He was probably having more fun than he knew what to do with. How painful for him that he had to be PICKED UP before the party because she didn't want to watch him? It's not like he was at home already and then found out he wasn't going. He was already there!

That is the part that shatters my heart to pieces!

Lamom - how did he handle it? Was he hurt? Did you or DH make up an excuse?

ashley, you're a little scary.

When I was a leetle girl, maybe 5 or 6, I had twin brothers 2 years younger, & my aunt had 3 boys, 1 a year older, 1 a year younger, 1 a year younger than my brothers.

so we were 6 kids like stairsteps

George
me
Carl
my brothers
Bobby

We were at my aunt's house playing in the sprinkler on a hot Texas scorcher of a summer day, & I was having a blast.

In fact, I was having too much fun;
my mother was a narcissist & I was a thorn under her saddle.

She wasn't at all nice to my brothers, but I was potential female competition, & she descended on me like the wrath of God any time I seemed to be having too much fun or getting too much attention.

My mother opened the door & sternly ordered me inside, & I squalled.

My aunt said I didn't seem to be suffering any ill effects, but my mother shut her down in about 1 second.

My mother claimed she didn't want me to "get sick", that I was already "hysterical", & that I was a girl & shouldn't be playing out there with all the boys.

no particular moral to this story.

except that it's now more than 50 years later & I still remember it.

heck, I got so carried away with my own parallel to the "first sleepover" story that I forgot to say...

Asking a 7-year-old what kind of party he wants sounds like too difficult a concept;

Ask him, maybe, if he'd like strawberry cake or chocolate, if he wants a clown theme or a space theme, etc.

& I once heard an older woman say that she invited 1 child for every year (3 years old, 3 guests, 7 years old, 7 guests) to keep the party from becoming overwhelming.

I like that idea.

I get to have....how many guests now?????
& presents from every one of 'em?????

I think that sd is for whatever reason making an attempt to be a part of your childs life. If you stand in the way of it and do not let her help with the party then you may not see another attempt for her to be close to you all.

If it were me I would let her help plan the party. Why would it be such a bad thing? The day is about your son....having relatives he does not get to see much celebrating with him would probably make him feel pretty special! I am a believer in putting on my best smiley face and making the day special for my child....no matter how uncomfortable parts may be for me.

Sylvia, the party you suggest (cake, theme) are getting to be ho-hum with a lot of parents these days which to me, is sad. Simple and fun and sufficent (in my humble opinion) are not what I'm seeing any longer. Oh, for the good ol' days.

Children in my area have parties that are far beyond what I ever thought of giving my older children. With bitty daughter (now 9 and 1/2) it started right out in kindergarten. Roller skating parties, renting the public pool for private swim parties, sleep over at the zoo 'night in the zoo' parties and on and on parties for small children have become.

But, actually, what I meant was asking DS what he had in mind for his special day. OP might be surprised to hear something along the lines that 'I want grandma and cousin whoever and and and , with cake and games'. Which would mean DS is expecting a simple party with what he considers to be his special people, his relatives, and OP would and should include the people SD is talking about.

Or maybe DS might say something simple as a sleep over with his close friends and cousins and games in the backyard or a family dinner with then a few buddies staying over for games and so forth.

With me, I always asked my older children what they had in mind. Sometimes I would hear 'let's go camping' sometimes I heard a backyard water party. They also got 2 parties, one with friends and then a dinner with relatives.

With the bitty daughter getting invites regularly since kindergarten, it's a whole new experience. Some she goes to and some no. Her birthday is right after Christmas and during winter break and usually crummy weather that ruins any plans, so I've not thrown a 'invite the buddies and toss a event party' that most of her friends have so she gets a special summer event with invites to buddies and has lots of fun (just no presents).

So far, most the girls she goes to school with for parties invite the entire classroom of girls they are with and as they make new friends each year some of the previous mates are included too along with a few cousins or neighbors. The school has asked that no invitations be handed out at school unless all the same sex in class are invited, they ask that invites be mailed otherwise as lots of hard feelings have been in the past.

I honesly do not see what is wrong here. when SKs do nothing, you don't like it. when they do something, you don't like it either. and from my understanding he was not excluded, SD didn't want to watch a child, who is not allowed to be in a water, at a water theme party. i think it could be resolved by someone else helping to watch DS. OK you didn't want anyone watching DS at the water party. Now is it SD's fault.

Now she wants to give him a different party. Now somehow it si wrong too. i do not understand what is wrong here. I don't know what bothers you.

finedreams and gerina,

I'm not unhappy that SD35 wants to help to throw a birthday party for my son to atone for excluding him. I am questioning her motives. DH feels as you do, her motives are less important than her actions especially for a young child like my son. That being said, you are right, those relatives are my son's family. I have never kept him from them in fact just the opposite.

DH wants to keep the peace and thinks SD35's offer on the party is a good one that we should accept. So, I have. SD35 and I have spoken a few times and she is good at entertaining. So, he'll have her party. It is a nice gesture, in fact, a very nice gesture. That's how I see it. My little boy will have a ball and that's the most important thing.

It's hard to see my son being treated differently by these adult skids than how they treat the other young relatives. But that's just how it is and how they are.

*It's hard to see my son being treated differently by these adult skids than how they treat the other young relatives. But that's just how it is and how they are.*

I understand why you feel this way, but unfortunately your son has been very ill and he is in many respects different from the rest of the kids. We know that you SS has many problems and is personally a disaster, but you need to lighten up a bit on your SD. I think she is trying.

She will probably never relate to you son as her brother because of the 28 year age difference. This I know from personal experience because I am a change of life baby. Most of my cousins and my sibling are nearly 20 years older than me. I was too young for them and too old for their kids, and even though I am pushing 50, I am still viewed as the baby of the family and this even supersedes the way they view and treat their own kids.

Before you get any angrier at your SD for the previous party, put yourself in her shoes. She was having a water themed party probably for one of her kids (your son's niece or nephew). I'm sure she wants to enjoy her child's bday and have her kid feel special for the exact same reasons as you feel toward your son. I think it would be nerve-wracking to host a bunch of kids, while at the same time trying to keep your son safe and healthy. Try to view this as a positive step and cut her some slack (maybe she tried to put herself in your shoes already).

gerina,

Putting myself in her shoes is good advice. No, the party she gave was for just another young cousin. I'm sure she wanted it to be special for him. She does not have kids of her own however along with being a 1/2 sister, she is my son's godmother too. She does lots of things for various children including teens in the extended family and I'll admit that I am jealous that my son, her 1/2 brother is not high on her list. I've admitted this to myself and DH some time ago, and I'll admit it here too. DS 6 1/2 is certainly not as high on her list as my son's nephew, SGS 8 1/2, the one with the emotional problems (kicked out of schools, arrested etc. at 8 yrs old.) There are always time, resources and patience for him. DH's theory is that they perceive my son as "having everything" already so he needs less. They are right, my son is not as needy materially as some of the other family kids, but he wants and needs family love, friendship and support as much as any, and during his illness MORE.

You make a good point, because of the huge age differences between my son and his 1/2 brother and sister, they may never really relate to him as their brother. That he is the product of a 2nd marriage I'm sure adds miles in the emotional distance. DS 6 1/2 is younger than his nephew by SS29, SGS 8 1/2.

They still expect full support from us, meaning me, for these other kids, continued financial handouts to SS29 (the subject of another post as he is officially homeless and couch surfing right now) and the understanding that you are talking about.

As a footnote to this, last Saturday DS 6 1/2 attended a bday party at Knott's Soak City, a local water park. I explained to the mom, my friend, what had to be done to manage my son, she said no problem since she WANTED him there, and he had a great time. To me, the key to all of this is how you really feel about the relationships.

Sylvia - why am I scary? I have a few similar stories to yours. Because I am the oldest of 3 children, I tend to be hyper-sensitive to children being singled out or the perception of that. I was always being called out because it was my responsibility to be a good example to the other 2. And if they did something to me, I got in trouble because "such-and-such is younger than you and doesn't know any better, but you do". It was so humiliating.

So for this boy who is probably singled out all the time, to not be able to participate in an everyday kid activity just seems so wrong.

You know there are people out there who cause drama just so they can be the center of attention and have everyone look at them and talk about them.

Then there are people who have had the center of attention thrust upon them and would love any time they get just to blend in with the crowd and be "one of the guys".

Remember that movie Jack with Robin Williams? I think about how much he just wanted to be a part of something so "normal" because he had always been "abnormal".

Lamom - I totally understand how you feel, but I know these are INTERNAL struggles for YOU and not your son's struggles. I know your heart breaks for your son, but you must keep those feelings away from him and deal with them away from him. You don't want to project feelings onto him that he may not be feeling.

You have been given a gift, even though you probably don't think so. You are going through experiences right now that is defining your charachter because our charachter is formed "in the fire".

What I have noticed about your posts is the total unimportance on material things and the importance of positive experiences. The birthday party isn't about gifts or how many people are there. It's more about giving your son a positive experience. And if you can't have that then you'd rather forgo the party if there is a chance something negative could happen.

This is something that inspires me about parents that have disabled or sick children. They recognize the preciousness of the every day.

Thanks everyone for your perspectives. We have decided to go the 2 party route. My son has said he wants to go to Chucky Cheese with a couple of friends and a couple of cousins, he laid out who he wants there himself! We will do that on his actual birthday which is Saturday.

SD35 still wants to do a party, for atonement, to celebrate his better health, in fairness or whatever. I have sent her the guest list, we've agreed on who will pay for what and I am sitting back. Yes, this is an emotional issue for ME not really for my son. Of course, because of his age, 6 3/4, and because I run interference for him he's not really aware of all of the dynamics. He still invited SGS8 1/2 to HIS bday Chucky Cheese party. Maybe his heart is bigger than mine.

Ashley is right, my issue is not having a party or not having a party, or how elaborate the party will be. My adult skids are right too, a lot of things are provided for in my son's life especially since he has been ill. Not sure that is a good enough reason for their on again/off again treatment but that's how it is.

My son was granted a wish from the Make A Wish Foundation. They have offered him some very awesome opportunities. DH and I decided NOT TO TELL the adult skids about it in order to keep the competitiveness and jealousy down. There will be a party thrown by Make A Wish before his wish is granted and I don't think the skids will be invited. It's a shame but it's doubtful they would truly be happy for him vs. thinking "he's getting something else now that we and our kids won't or didn't get."

Anyway, I am working on my feelings of resentment towards them because I can admit, a lot of this is my issue.

oops, didn't proofread, so much for that mandatory "preview message" thing.

You're scary 'cause it sounded like you were, not reading my mind exactly, maybe reading my past.

I too am the oldest, & I too know how it feels to be singled out & how it feels to have the rug snatched out from under you as it were.

sorry for the incomplete thought;
my favorite English teacher would be very disappointed in me.

Hi All, thought I would give an update on the birthday party flaps.

So, I extend invitations to SS29 and SGS 8 1/2 to DS7's (he's now 7 hurray!) birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's last Saturday. DS7 chose the guests, short list including his 1/2 brother SS29 and SGS 8 1/2 and a few other kids friends. SS29's girlfriend, mother of his children, common law wife, calls and says they don't have bus/train fare to come! Nothing new but still a lot of nerve. As they have moved out to the desert, picking them up has become even more of an inconvinience. BUT, for the sake of DS7's birthday, DH does drive to pick up the crew from the desert. He gets there, then gf announces that the baby, SGS 2 1/2, is also coming to be cared for by DD36. Long story short, the crew shows up at Chuck E. Cheese courtesy of DH. Have not eaten, no gifts, dirty clothes it was unbelievable.

SS29 spends the whole time playing with SGS 8 1/2, spends no time with my son, the one who invited him, DS7 whose feelings are hurt by this. SD 36 shows up with two more uninvited cousins from BM's side of the family but at least she pays for their play tokens. I won't continue the blow by tacky blow except,

Because they live so far, we invited them all, SS29 included, to spend the night at our house, have a nice brunch and take them home. I get home with the balloons and gifts, SS29 has split, taken the bus for which he had supposedly no money to his mother's house to collect some items and basically dumped his kids on us to take care of over the weekend! No clothes, toiletries, no diapers or diaper stuff for the baby! I run down to Wal-Mart to buy pjs, Pull-Ups, diaper cream and a sippy cup.

This time though, I let DH handle his people. I went on to church and brunch with my friends the next day after setting the kids up with some outdor games. Did not cook for them and put the Wal-Mart receipt on the counter. By the time I came back, he had insisted that his son, SS29 meet him at the train station to pick up his kids and take them back to the boondocks.

If you want a nice LOL, SGS 8 1/2 left his library book at our house. SS29's gf called me and asked that I overnight it to her so it wouldn't be late. It took me a minute to collect myself from her gall. I told her I would pass it on to SD36 who could pass it on to BM, the grandmother, who could pass it on to them. Haven't heard from her since! Geez, they got a bag of new pj's, clothes, diapers, toiletries and fresh toothbrushes, I thought that was pretty good swag for some unexpected and not entirely welcome guests!

Anyway, my son enjoyed his birthday admist all of the silly drama. The 2nd party planned at SD36 has been nixed.

it is too funny. he left his kids with you with no toiletries? had no money for a bus...it is sad not funny but I can't help it...LOL no gifts, dirty clothes, nice...mail them a book overnight

one word: trash. hopefully DS still enjoyed his birthday.

Finedreams, DS7 did enjoy his birthday. Although his big brother didn't play with him at Chuck E. Cheese, the other kids and a couple of the other dads did too and he loves that place so he enjoyed his birthday.

He received a mountain of cards most of which haven't been opened from my side of the family, church members and friends who have been praying for his recovery. He has gifts coming in from my family in the East. He's loved just not so much by his closest relatives on his dad's side.

I'm still chuckling at SS29's gf asking me to overnight her kid's library book to her. Puleeze! If I overnight anything it will be the Wal-Mart receipt for the bag of swag her kids got from me when they were supposed to bring birthday gifts, not dirty clothes, dirty faces and empty tummies. BTW, I did not wash their clothes like I usually do. I stuffed them in the Wal-Mart bag to go home with them.

Some friends are putting together a special 2nd party for my son. Needless to say, the fam ain't on the guest list!

Omg! That is just unbelievable. I bet your DH was mortified-good grief! But glad your little guy enjoyed his BDay.
What did your DH have to say about their behavior? Just curious.
Cat

WHy on earth did you give them everything you bought???? I would have kept it for the next time they stiffed you like that! and send them back in clean clothes but the ones they wore on friday at the party.
That SOB to leave his kids without diapers or clothes or nothing!!!!! And the GF is Fn' stupid!to have even asked you for the book over night!!!!! Tell SS29 to get his coward Fn ass on the phone to ask and then you could tell him off.
Absolute scum! and not because he is a stepson lamom. BEcause he's an irresponsible adult man who does this to his very own kids, disrespects his own father in the mean time.
Dont bother with this person anymore. Dont expect a selfish turd like him to care for your son or anyone.
Dont bang your head anymore lamom. I'm glad your son enjoyed his party. Focus on him and tell this 29 year old man to get a life!

Organic Maria,

I kept a couple of pair of the underwear (it was a 4 pack) and the flipflops at my house. You're right, they didn't deserve "gifts" but the kids are really needy. As angry as I get with all of them, it's tough to not feel bad for the kids. They aren't the nicest kids around but they are young and they deserve better. I keep a few things in stock as they have shown up this way before but they are winter clothes.

It's impossible for me not to deal with these people, despite all of the issues, my DH still loves his oldest son, SS29 even though he is disappointed (I think ashamed) of him. What I can and already do is seriously LIMIT my interactions with them. Their visits now mostly revolve around family gatherings/holidays. My husband throws "work" to SS29 instead of just giving him straight out hand outs, and unfortunately, some of those jobs are oddjobs around our house.

I keep my relationship very limited at this point with SS29, his gf31, and his two kids, SGS 8 1/2 and SGS 2 1/2. SGS 8 1/2 is very aware that he does not come to our house very often to see DS7 or his grandfather anymore and comments on it. I don't know what to say to him when he does. His hurt feelings are obvious but there is just too much.

SS's bday is coming up in November, he will be 30!!! I don't know what the plans are but I will be as far in the background as I can be. It's a shame, I liked him a lot when he was a teen. DS7, of course, adores him. Sigh.