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Expected to act like a stepmom

Posted by justme312 (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 13, 13 at 13:51

I have been with my partner for the past yer and a half. He has been living in my house for a year and has 2 kids that spend every other weekend with us. I do not have kids of my own and do not look at my partner's kids as my own. This has become a huge issue for us.

He thinks I should be treating them as my own family but I think this is an unrealistic expectation as they are not my family. We are not married, engaged or even close to entertaining the thought. Am I wrong for not wanting to pretend I'm a stepmom when I'm not or are his expectations of me too high?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

He's way out of line.

& I don't think it's about 'high expectations' but about using you.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

I agree with Sylvia. I think women have to be careful after a certain age because men are often just looking for someone to cook, clean and take care of them. With younger man they may also want a sitter for their children. You also have to be careful about letting them live with you. Sometimes you have to have them legally evicted. It may not be as simple as "get out of my house".


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Yeah, I think you are both right. I have even thought that I may have to go through the courts to have him evicted as I have asked him to leave on multiple occasions and he won't. Last night we actually had a relatively civil conversation regarding my role with the kids. When I explained that I do not agree with the "add water and stir...instant family" perspective, he said that this just won't work for him. I'm honestly OK with that. I just wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable for not wanting to take on his kids as my stepkids when we aren't married. I have made it known many times that the kids are not my responsibility. We just don't seem to be on the same page.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Until he makes a formal committment to you and you accept that committment, you have no committment to his children. That is my opinion.

Justme312...does he expect you to care for them, fill their needs, and such? Friendship and respect, both ways, yes, that should be a given. Give us more deets!


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Emma lets not make this men vs. women issue, lets just look at the OP's situation, not generalize it. Trust me, for every man out there that wants a women just to cook and clean, there is a woman out there just looking to be taken care of financially...it goes both ways,

That being said, Sylvia and you are both correct, this OP's boyfriend is way out of line. Quite honestly, if they are not even close to thinking about being engaged, they made a big mistake living together considering the fact that he has his kids every-other weekend. But that damage is done already. She is probably best off using those weekends to do her own things, visit friends, whatever. Leave dad to spend time with his kids, that's why they are there, to see him.

In the future, if they do get engaged/married, of course I would think she would in some way want to be closer to his kids. My GF of 5+ years still has her own place because we are both very respectful of keeping those boundaries, and neither of us wanted to "blend" families....too much stress on the kids. She is part of my kid's lives, as her son is part of mine, but I have not taken over in a parenting role, even though his loser dad moved away and I am the primary male in his life.

OP - hope that 3 opinions that are in line with yours helps.....


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Dawn - Here are some details. Yes, he expects me to make them lunch and dinner every night, clean up after them, buy them things. I recently started taking Taekwon-do and he thought it would be a great idea if I paid for the family plan for which I refused. That didn't go over well because I do pay for my nephew to attend classes with me. My sister is unable to afford his tuition. My nephew is my family so I have no problem doing that for him and my sister. This has been viewed as favoritism. On weekends that the kids are here. I am expected to spend the weekend with them. If I make plans of my own to hang out with friends or family he expects for him and the kids to be included. This is not always appropriate. For example a friend had a half-birthday party. It was an excuse to have his friends over to BBQ and drink. No other kids were going to be there so I did not extend an invitation.

Earlier this year I spent 4 months studying for a professional certification exam. Because I wan unable to concentrate while his kids were here I either went to my office or asked him to entertain the kids outside the house for a few hours during the afternoons. This was unacceptable to him.

MKROOPY - You are correct. Hind sight is 20/20. living together was a mistake. We have talked abut marriage but as we have lived together, I have realized that at this point in time, making that move would be an even bigger mistake.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Mkroopy, I know it works both ways, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. It sounds like you have your relationship in good order. I respect you for that.

Justme, if I were you I would talk to someone about the eviction thing just so you will know what you are up against if it should come to that. I would ask a police officer, lawyer or call the DA's office about it. If I was in your situation and was finally sure I wanted him gone, I would give him a 30 notice. That is what a landlord has to do to evict a renter.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

I will not harp on the mistake of moving in together but I will ask where he lived prior to him moving in with you.

It is clear to me that kids are not a big priority for you. That is perfectly alright. He needs to hear that from you. Actually, he needs to listen to you. While you are not their step-mom, if they are staying in your home there should be some interaction with them.
If the kids were not there would you have invited you boyfriend to attend the party at your friends with you? We all go to parties that kids are not invited. Didn't he understand the situation? Did he offer to pay the "family" rate for his kids to go to Taekwon-do?
I really think you need to assess the whole situation. His kids are not going to go away and if you do not really want to participate in that facet of your boyfriend's life then this may not be the man for you.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

By orange belt you will have the #3 Front Jump Kick mastered, at that point he might leave on his own.

Best of luck to you and best wishes in TKD ~ I'm working on my 2nd degree black.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

By orange belt you will have the #3 Front Jump Kick mastered, at that point he might leave on his own.

Best of luck to you and best wishes in TKD ~ I'm working on my 2nd degree black.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Mom Of All Trades - To answer your question, yes I would have invited him to the party had it not been a kid weekend. He is invited to attend all family/friend events and his kids are also invited to events that are kid friendly. I do interact with them while they are here but do not feel it is necessary to suspend my own life just because it is his weekend for visitation. The kids are not here to see me, they are here to spend time with him.

I have made it clear that I will spend time with them but it is not my responsibility to make sure they have things like new shoes, or spend all Saturday morning at their soccer games so I can entertain one kid while the other is playing. I have TKD on Saturdays and it is my partner's responsibility to work out soccer with their mother. If they need new clothes, either he should pay for them or their mother should. By comparison, I would never ask him to pay for my dog to go to the vet.

I have made my position known from day 1. I do not expect him to choose me over his kids and have told him over and over that it is probably best for everyone if he was to get a place of his own. The reality is he can't afford to live in the way he has become accustomed to living on his own. We all make our own choices and have to be responsible for those choices.

Dawn - Ha! looking forward to my orange belt! :)
Good luck on your 2nd degree. That's awesome! I so enjoy TKD. It's a lot of fun and a great way to get some frustration out!


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

What is TKD? What am I missing out on? (:-))


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Tae Kwon Do


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Oh, thank you. I am not missing a thing. My poor old bones would protest that.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Justme312, that makes more sense to me now. I agree that the parents should be taking care of the child. There is not reason that dad can not watch the one that is not playing soccer while watching the one that is. Don't both parents go any way to watch?

It does sound like he likes the lifestyle you help provide. I agree with you but short of telling him to move out I don't see much changing. You seem to be doing what a girlfriend does. You are not their stepmom and he should not expect you to take that role on unless you get married and make that commitment to each other first.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

I feel sorry for these kids. He is chumpy for bringing them into this situation where he is unwilling to show commitment.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

It sounds like living together was actually a great idea because it has given you the chance to see that he is NOT going to be a good partner for you. I know from experience that although you have to love the person you are with, it is an absolute necessity that you also respect them and how they live their life. If you can't respect him as a man and as a father, you will never be able to have a good marriage. Get out as fast as you can! Don't feel bad that you can't commit to being a step-mother to your boyfriend's kids. Because you and the kids haven't bonded in a parent/child relationship, it won't cause them pain when your relationship with their dad ends. You have actually done everyone a favor by keeping your role limited. It sounds like you were very nice to them, and that is all that is required of you. Take care and if you can, try to find a man without kids or with ones that are grown!


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

I disagree slightly. I think there is damage done to these kids, living with a woman who will be just another example of loss in their lives. Kids tend to internalize and will feel rejected. Living with someone who has kids but no intention to marry is not the best scenario for children.

What if raising the next generation in a healthy way was the priority in the world? Certainly, different decisions would be made.


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Double

This post was edited by amyfiddler on Sun, Aug 18, 13 at 12:36


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

You are EXPECTEED to make their lunches ... and dinner every night?

After what you've made clear that you expect to be your relationship to them?

Hmm-m-m-m.

Was he listening ...

... oh, yeah - he didn't agree with your proposal, did he?

How be HE make lunches for HIS kids ... EVERY day.

And dinner every other night (or maybe two nights out of three ... or three of four, considering how many mouths occupy his side of the table)?

Sounds somewhat more fair.

ole joyful


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RE: Expected to act like a stepmom

Yikes, he sounds terrible. I would break up w him. Mr koopy's plan to not move in sounds like the best path, should u encounter a similar relationship in future. I also agree with Amy fiddler, your bf is making a selfish choice that damages his children and exposes them to disappointment and loss, magnified by the loss they experienced when their folks split up. I would not want to be w someone who treated his kids needs so flippantly and definitely not w the way he treats you. He expects you to be an instant wife and mother. U are not up for that and he didn't propose and make plans with you, what each spouse would expect of other. Sounds like he just imposed his wishes and expects u to fit. Disappointing for you and sad for his kids too. Good luck and get out!


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