Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Posted by jstcrazymom (My Page) on
Thu, Aug 14, 08 at 13:12

She is 25 Ive been with her father for 20 years my relationship with her has always been strained because of her violent toxic mother Although I am invited my step doesnt really want me to go because she knows her mom will find ways to hurt and bagger me and cuase a sceen I dont think my husband wants me to go He didnt say that but he didnt dispute it when I asked he just said whatever you want to do which means he doesnt care and most likely feels it would be better for everyone if I didnt go All these years I have been the bigger person the nice person the good mother and brought strength and foundation to this step daughter yet because of her mothers instability and the fact that I am only the step mom me and my children are being left out of any arrangements to include being part of the wedding like bridesmaid/groomsman I am being treated like a distant friend at best I dont want to go neither do my children But what is the right thing to do?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Let me make certain I understand. You dont want to go. Your children dont want to go. SD and her dad dont care. So why would you go.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

The right thing to do for yourself is stay away in droves. Take your children and go on a very lovely holiday with just yourselves and have the time of your lives.

Also the right thing to do is not to go;)Weddings are notoriously tense at the best of times, so stay completely uninvolved.

You could always have a little party at your place without the toxic ex at your place AFTER the wedding.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

i guess given all that really it wouldn't be wrong for me not to go right? Also SD has left only my daughters out of the wedding with only her sister and my son by her father"her brother" in the wedding. My daughters dont want to go either but my son who is 14 is afraid to tell my husband his father that he doesn't want to go becuase he knows his dad will get mad at me as if I had something to do with it. If I let my son stay home my husband will probably freak out. He doesn't care if me or my daughters stay home but only if our son does. So do I make my son go?


 o
Weddings

Yeps, you should encourage, not make, your son should go. Honestly stay as far away from this hornet's nest as you can.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I agree with kkny, if everyone prefers you stay home, why go?

But I also think (obviously not knowing details) you are unnecessarily taking offense. my children are being left out of any arrangements to include being part of the wedding like bridesmaid/groomsman So? There is no obligation that siblings, or stepsiblings, must be bridesmaids and groomsmen. I was not bridesmaid in my brothers' weddings; one but not the other of my brothers was a groomsman for one wedding, and for the other, my SILs brother was "man-of-honor" but none of my family was wedding party. I am quite positive that no offense was intended by "including" some siblings and "excluding" others, they just picked who they were closest to at the time as wedding party members. And I am invited my step doesnt really want me to go because she knows her mom will find ways to hurt and bagger me and cuase a sceen this doesn't sound personal either, just a bride not wanting a scene at her wedding. Let it go.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

This is SO SAD!! You have been in her life for so many years. I can't believe that BM still has all of these bad feelings after all of these years. I have been in my stepson's life since he was 4 (he is 10 now). I cannot imagine not being there on his wedding day. What a horrible situation.

I guess if you do not want to go and sd does not want you there then dont go, but don't u think that someone should talk to this woman (sd or dh) and say hey its not your day its been YEARS get over it!!! I really do not think she should be allowed to dictate who is at her daughter's wedding based on her behavior. Honestly, it sounds like someone should have stepped in a long time ago.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

What if you just went to the ceremony, but not to all the partying and dinner. There is no reason for BM to speak to you at the ceremony, so you should be safe, but you are still showing support for your SD on one of the most important days of her life.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

i agree with many poster, dont bother going. And take a good vacation during that time and have a relaxing time. You can throw a congrats party for her at yoru place without worrying about psycho mom.
As for your son...i'm on the fence with that one. I would encourage him but at the same time, if he really doesnt' want to go he must understand that he will hurt his sister and his father. You shoudl speak to him to find out exactly why he doesnt want to participate.
I personally do not believe in forcing any kids to participate in something they do not want to be part of. Both my SK were in my wedding party. They wanted it. I didnt' force them. In fact they were proud. ( its sad now that SD has become distant, but you know at least my SS and i have gotten closer...i think he's very happy in our house and i think he may want to live with us...which i do not object. He's a good kid, kind soul and completely the opposite of what his sister is now.) funny...
Yah, sit down and find out what your son is feeling and why he doesnt' want to go. And he should also sit and have a family talk about it.
Why not, there is some underlying tension so you should all sit down and have afamily discussion and make the decision all of you who goes and who doesn;t. This way things are out in the open and your DH cant' say you manipulated your son. All of you sit down and talk about it as a family.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Agree, ceremony only would be best, but with crazy violent people, be prepared for them to turn it around on you,even if they truly dont want you there, to say later, oh I cant believe Jstcrazy slighted us by not showing up....Also agree not everybody can be in the wedding party, not enough places, closest to bride and groom should come first..It is a horrible situation....Also let the 14 year old go if he feels like he wants to, and ask him to talk it over with his dad infront of you, so he can see its his decision, you re not forcing him one way or the other..Good luck....


 o
Weddings....

That is a very good point ceph.

Now if you husband has any sense, which he may not, he would leave quite early in the evening as well. Having your son there gives him someone to sit with and that is a quiet reminder that other someones, very important, while invited were made to realize they would not be welcomed. And unwelcome you would be.

Don't waste a minute of your time or money on this particular aspect of the wedding. But extricate yourself with great grace and joy. IE, look at all the pictures after, etc. Maybe even get some pics of your family with the bride and groom.

Your husband must also let everyone know the real reason why you are NOT there, otherwise those tongues will get to wagging, and it won't be pretty.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

"All these years I have been the bigger person the nice person the good mother and brought strength and foundation to this step daughter yet because of her mothers instability and the fact that I am only the step mom me and my children are being left out of any arrangements to include being part of the wedding like bridesmaid/groomsman I am being treated like a distant friend "

I see some disconnects here. OP thinks she is the bigger person, yet fails to acknowledge that this is SDs wedding and while understandably hurt that her children arent members of wedding part obviously bears grudge over that. As to SM being left out of arrangements, I am not certain what that means.

None of us knowing the exact situation, hard to advise. I think you should tell Dad situation with son, and he should ask son why he doesnt want to go. Or at 14, son should be told to tell his father. If son is afraid to tell dad, I suspect son knows dad will be hurt. Son has to understand choices.

As to Dad letting people know the real reason, I agree. Dad should tell people SM and her children were invited, chose not to come.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

You crack me up kkny. NO, that is not the real reason now is it?:^)


 o
Ok, more explanation

Ok, so should Dad say SM and her children were invited, but because her children were not bridesmaids, they wouldnt come.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

How awful. I absolutely disagree that you should require your son to attend an event that divides his family in half. He clearly senses that it would be wrong and he wants no part of it. Good for him.

Your family consists of you, your husband and all of your children, including your stepdaughter. Your stepdaughter is only 25 and she doesn't have the maturity to make the right decision - for herself or her family. She's just trying to keep the peace with her toxic BM - but the cost is too high and she'll regret it in the long run. Everyone will end up resenting someone. Your husband and your son will be miserable and won't even bother to smile for the photos. Each year, her anniversary will be a day that everyone remembers her miserable wedding and lots of hurt feelings. Yuck.

If I were in your situation, I would not let one of my stepdaughters make this mistake. I would give her two options - our entire family goes to your wedding OR none of us will attend and we will hold a separate event together to celebrate your marriage. However, the family's solidarity is more important than keeping the peace with crazy ex's - especially on important occasions like weddings.


 o
ok, let's rephrase this one

Do you think SM should go KKNY. You, yourself?


 o
Should she go

SMof3, the entire family has been invited. It is SM chosing not to go, along with her daughters.

I personally would be very careful about deciding I didnt want to go, if I were in her shoes. I would think very carefully about why I dont want to go. If it is even partially about my DDs not being bridesmaids, etc, then I think that it is mistake. If it is to prevent a knowdown dragout fight, then I likely wouldnt go.

Colleen, what do you think DH should say as to why SM wasnt there? Should he say she was invited?


 o
Well there you go

Jstmom said she didn't think her husband wanted her to go. HELLO. And also it appears that SD doesn't want her to go either, cuz her mother is whacked out crazy jealous and will likely cause a scene at her wedding. That is the real reason now isn't it? BM can't keep her emotions in check and will destroy her own daughter's wedding because of her obscene irrationality.

I doubt it has much of anything to do with bridesmaids, etc.

If this isn't handled just exactly correctly it may well result in huge and long term family estrangement.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

How do you know SD doesn't want you to go? Did she tell you that? Specifically?

Why don't your daughters want to go? Is there a realistic concern that BM will cause a scene and badger them? Or are they just pouting because they weren't asked to be bridesmaids? How old are they?

Why doesn't your son want to go to his sister's wedding?


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

The real criteria should be the following question, asked to yourself:

"Am I happy enough for SD to WANT to go to her wedding of my own accord; am I selfless enough to let her have full reign of her special day without thinking of myself and my grievances or paying too much attention to perceived slights from others? Or is there so much hurt & negativity ---on any/all sides---- that I will not GENUINELY be able to wish her well and enjoy the occasion?"

That should be your criteria, in a nutshell: will this be an occasion you can really enjoy and help augment the happiness of?

If not, it doesn't make you (or SD) a bad person. If your decision (one way or the other) is based on honesty and consideration, respect enough for her and respect enough for yourself, it won't be wrong. If you & SD have a decent enough relationship (regardless of BM), you should go b/c SD invited you (she would not have invited you if BM was that much of an inhibiting factor). If you & SD don't have a good relationship, you should either refrain from going or make it a point, if you *do* go, to be nothing but a positive presence.

The one thing you can't do is dictate what other invited guests should do. They all have their separate relationships with SD, which are different from the one you have with her, as is their right. You can make a decision for YOURSELF (to go or not to go), based on the particulars of YOUR relationship with SD... but you can't tell others what to do because you are not THEM in the relationship with her so you are not in a position to make that call.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

after that many years of being married it is rude of them to not invite you or your kids to go. BUT you were invited so not to go is rude unless you have a good reason. the fact that they are not very nice people is not good enough reason. Plenty of families have nasty people in there but you still have to give them your time, they are family. Your SD and her family could be embarassed if somebody asks where are her siblings and SM?

I think SM should definitelly go simply because she was invited. maybe your SD is not that close to her sinblings to make them bridesmaids or best men or whoever. So what?


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

First off - I don't know if this applies, but if you were 'The Other Woman', then yes, I'd say stay away. If you and your husband had feelings for each other before his marriage officially ended, this is one of those sacrifices you should make. Quietly and gracefully. Even though BioMom should be long past it, "righteous indignation" has a long shelf life.

If you weren't, then I'm with Ceph about going to the wedding and perhaps skipping the reception, or ducking out early if the booze starts flowing and emotions begin to escalate. You might also want to invest in a well-dressed under-cover security guard to discretely distract BioMom if she begins to make a scene with anyone.

Can you have a completely honest discussion with your stepdaughter? If it's true, tell her you would love to be there for her and with her on her special day, and that you would be discreet and unobtrusive and do everything in your power (including playing 'doormat for a day') to get along with her mother. Tell her you would also understand and not take it personally if SD feels that peacefully co-existing would not be possible, and that for that reason, you will volunteer to stay home -- but for her not to interpret that as a lack of love and support from you.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Serentiyt, Fd, and Sweeby, great points.

Also, if any close family member of mine had a drinking problem (and I am not certain anyone does), I would alert bartenders ahead of time, and try to get their help in controlling situation.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

From the other perspective...
I'm an adult SD planning my wedding.
My mom died ten years ago, so there's no family drama to worry about on my side.
But my FDH's parents are divorced and they don't talk. At all. FDH's brother was critically ill a few years back, and the parents didn't say a peep to each other the whole time he was in hospital, they just coldly ignored each other. So I'm not worried about a scene, I'm worried about the cold silence being an elephant in the room.
However, their behavior is not our problem. We want his dad and SM there, and we want his mom there. How they behave is up to them. If they want to look like a$$holes by ignoring each other all day, that's their problem.

The point? I know your SD is concerned about her mom's bad behavior being a bad reflection on her, but it's not her problem. Her mother is an adult who makes her own choices. All SD can do is talk to BM beforehand to say "Please remember that my wedding day is not about past family issues or bad blood. I will NOT be drawn into any disputes and I expect everyone to be on their best behavior"

I've been at a wedding where two of the groom's sisters got in a fistfight over the bouquet, but I didn't hold it against the groom that his sisters are trashy.
No one will say "Oh, that SD's wedding sure was awful. Did you see that she couldn't keep her mother under control? SD is a bad bad person because her mother badgered her stepmother all evening."

Maybe you or DH can talk to SD about that her job for her wedding day is to be beautiful and to get married. That's IT. She is not a referee and she is not responsible for anyone else. As long as she does her job for the wedding, that's all anyone can ask.
Then say that you really do want to share her special day with her, because it means a lot to you to see her wedding, so you would like to attend the ceremony, but if she would be less worried about her mother's bad behavior if you weren't at the dinner and reception, you will gracefully bow out.

I disagree with Colleen though about letting everyone know the real reason you aren't there. People can speculate however they want, but saying "SM isn't her because BM is a nutball and likes to pick fights" is just sinking to her level and stirring up crap on SD's wedding day.


 o
more

I think that even if your SD is a pain in you know what (and she most likely is), it is still rude not to go. You don't have to like her but it does not mean that people should ignore the invitation. Unless BM is clearly going to make a big embarassing fight (unlikely) it is rude not to go. And do you really wnat DH to say at the wedding: "SM was invited but was afraid to come because BM would make a scene and also none of the kids were brdiesmaids" It will sound funny. Poeple will make fun of it. Cut the drama and go the wedding.

Just to add about 25. 25 is an adult. If she is mature enough to marry, she should be mature enough to make other choices. Same old topic of stepkids being not mature enough. when is it people become mature? 40, 50, 60? Funny that biokds are expected to be mature in early 20s, while stepkids are allowed to remain kids waaayyy in their 30s (cattletuce and many more of expreinces of adult stepkids on this forum) same old...


 o
what gets noticed at wedding

Ceph, I think that no one is going to notice anyone not speaking to each other. Even icy stares -- for the most part everyones eyes are on the bride, groom and wedding party at the ceremony and on them and their own friends at the reception. Unless it litteraly turns into a knowdown fight, I doubt anyone is going to notice. And saying something like what Ceph suspects Colleen would think -- " "SM isn't her because BM is a nutball and likes to pick fights" -- is going to reflect as much on SM, especially to people who dont knwo either one.

FD, I couldnt tell how long OP has been married, but would like to know that, along with custody arrangements and ages of all invovled.

thanks


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

It appears that I misunderstood - I took "left out" to mean that the stepsisters had not been invited. Sorry!

If you've all been invited - the I think that you should all suck it up and go. Family solidarity has two sides - and sometimes you have to tolerate uncomfortable events for the sake of stepkids and stepsiblings. If she's invited you all, then she deserves to have you there by her side.

If you go, make it fun for your family - get new outfits, take lots of photos. You might as well make the best of it. Besides, you can create some happy memories that you can all share for years to come.

It is hurtful that your daughters were left out of the wedding party. Sisters are sisters and it's hard when they make distinctions based on their DNA (which is often less important than years of emotional support). My daughter would be hurt if her stepsister included a biosister but left her out. How would I manage it? I suppose that I'd organize a family discussion on the point to give my daughter a chance to air her hurt feeling and give my stepdaughter a chance to explain. At least it would prevent bottled up resentment.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I would try to attend and have a positive attitude (which is very hard - I know from experience). I have attending my SD's weddings - 1 of them I was treated like a DISTANT friend - sat at the back of the church and not included in the family table; however, this was at the beginning of our relationship so totally understood. the other, I helped SD with all her wedding arrangements, was included as family (NOT wedding pictures) and was not recognized in introductions. Some things, I agree, you have to let go as this is her day. Too bad my SK's couldn't realize the same thing when it was our day.
You are the better person - I would try to attend, put a smile on and if you have to you can always leave early.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I actually think there's nothing wrong with not going as long as that's truly what everyone involved wants/thinks is best, and it's not about hurt feelings or perceived slights. Although that seems to be the minority opinion. Other people may notice and wonder, but who cares what other people think? Do what is best for everyone, not what *looks* best. I just got the impression it is at least as much about the percieved slights than real concern over BMs behavior, and if that's the case, it's likely to only make things worse, not better. Which is why I asked the questions; I think the answers matter.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

KKNY-

The OP had stated she and the girls father had been together 20 years. Whether they are married or not is beside the point I would think because it is safe to say it is a long term relationship. She has been in this particular Step daughters life since she was 5.

OP-
I would go and be nice. Your Step Daughter has invited you and it is a big day for her. You have been in her life for 20 years. I doubt your hubby/boyfriend doesn't want you to attend rather it's a sensitive subject and he doesn't want to say yes or no. He wants you to do whatever you are comfortable with. Bio mom will probably be on her best behavior at her daughters wedding.....one would hope.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

OP
You said in your opening line your relationship with your SD has been always been strained because of her violent toxic mom.

Don't go!

This is their event save yourself the grief.

Don't be so sure BMs will be on best behavior;)


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Has biomom threatened you with violence before?

I guess my answer would rely on just how much of a threat biomom is and whether I felt she was personally going to harm me.

No one should be subjected to that kind of treatment and if you feel that you are going to be, don't go.

However if she is just a toxic person in general, I'd go.

It could be a way to ease relations between you and your SD.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

FD, my X apparently had a relationship with his current SO for a number of years, unbeknownst to either me or DD. Maybe that is unusual, but the real question is how long, and what is entent of relationship, between SD and SM.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

OP, is there any possibility of your husband talking to his ex and making an agreement not to ruin their daughter's day? If you do go, try to blend into the background and stay out of the way to avoid stepping on anyone's toes. If you decide not to go, I'd take out SD for lunch and explain to her exactly what Sweeby said and let her know how much you want her day to be special and that you're being there has nothing to do with her.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

There is no gracious way for this SM to not attend. The daughter invited her, to refuse to attend after she has issued an invition is incredibly rude. If she doesnt attend it will stir up bad feelings and gossip, and you can bet that most people would see it as her being difficult, as I am sure BM manages to hide her dislike of SM from other people. You do not miss your SD's wedding, no matter how much you dislike being around BM, and even if BM may get nasty.

To minimize the chances of an unpleasant scene, I would suggest you arrive at the last minute, leave the ceremony as soon as its over, arrive at the dinner last minutes, stay until the dinner is over, and then leave before the drinking starts. Once the BM has had a few, that is when the trouble is likely to start , if it is.

Of course, it could be that you are not giving bm enough credit either. Perhaps she doesnt want to ruin her daughters day.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I find it rather starnge that after 20 years (!!!!) BM would be making arguments or even physical threats. Unless she is mentally ill i just don't see why would she be doing it unless as I think kkny implies you were the cause of their divorce. Other than that what would she be arguing about after 20 years? Seems strange. What do you mean she is violent? is she really beating up on people? at her daughters wedding too? i find it hard to believe.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

It wasn't KKNY -- it was me who flat-out asked.
I don't mean to imply -- only to state that if this IS the case, I think a different standard of behavior applies.

Are you still there OP?


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

As a father and a husband, I'm sorry to say that your son is being more of a man than his dad. Your son senses that you are being treated unfairly and he is willing to act on it.

Your husband is wrong not to stand up for you and your daughters. You have been with him for twenty years - not two days.

I think that you have to decide what kind of relationship you have with your SD now and how you want it to be in the future. If you don't go, there will always be that distance between you, because you weren't there on one of the most important days of her life. You will have allowed other people to devalue the relationship you have with your SD and your husband.

You can't be bullied by the ex-wife forever. What's next - you have to stay away from the grandkids' birthday parties?

Other people outside your immediate family will not understand the circumstances like you do. They will ask why you are not there, and they will be told that you were invited but decided not to come. That's what will stick.

You should go to the wedding ceremony as a complete family unit, and then if you are uncomfortable you could leave right after pictures are taken with the bride and groom.

After the weddding, you and your husband should sit down for some counseling. He has failed an important character test, and it reflects poorly on your marriage.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Athlete, I dont know whose doing the bullying. OP wants her children in the wedding party, and it isnt her decision. If she has been complaining about that to her DH, she should retract those requests.

And SMof3, if my Xs SO organized a "family" meetting to discuss why HER children werent in SDs wedding party, I would advise my DD to not attend such meeting. When some children have a mother there to push their interests and one doesnt it just isnt fair.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I personally would go up to SD befoer her wedding and say thank you for the invitation but i have to decline because i do not trust that your mother will act civil at your wedding in my presence because of her past behaviour. So , for the sake of your wedding to be peaceful and happy for you , i chose to not come and my daughters also decline, Here is a wedding gift on behalf of us.
Trust me, i come froma large greek family where these things are common where cousins and relatives are violent with one another and my own aunt didn't show up to mine for fear my father would be there. So to quench all the stupidity in my family i purposely had our wedding in another province:)
There is nothing wrong in refusing to go to a wedding. People have many reasons. But we are adults and should be held responsible forour decisions and JSTcrazymom, i still hold that you shouldn't go to the wedding for obvious reasons but you as an adult should face your SD face to face with your daughters and politely decline and give a wedding present. I was given presents by 3 aunts this way becasue they had issues with others in my family.
This way, regardless of the rumors that will fly, your SD will know fully well what happened and that your respect her and that you did offer a gift.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Athlete,

that's very well said. My husband always insists that our family act together and it's important for all the kids (and me sometimes) to see him exercise that leadership. I hadn't realized until I read your post how important his character is to keeping our family whole.

KKNY,

I couldn't disagree with you more. My Ex had a common law wife for many years and I always supported my daughter's close relationship with her daughter. Similarly, my husband insists that "his" children (actually, our children) treat "my" daughter (our daughter) as a sister. You have to let go of this idea of "her" kids and "his" kids. Remember that these children are growing up together and they have their own relationships which may well outlive us. Their lives will be much better when they build bonds with each other based on caring and mutual respect, rather than divisions based on ancient history and old resentments.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

The SD in question is 25 and presumably lives on her own. She is an adult, and has made her decision. Her decision is that her Stepsiblings will be invited to wedding but not be attendants.

Every family has different dynamics. It is pretty clear what this family's dymanics are. Whether you think it is right or wrong, the dye is cast. Please dont tell me that there arent SMs who favor their own children. Whose fault the present situation is likely only known to the parties involved.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I'm also getting married in a couple of months. We are both from divorced families, so we will have a bunch of steps at our wedding. I think the thing to keep in mind is that this is really about the bride and groom. I would do whatever will make her day less stressful. You really need to have a conversation with her about what it is she really wants.

Do you have a good relationship with her, or do you tolerate one another for the sake of her father?

Sweeby also brought up a good question. Where you the other woman, or did you come into the picture with BD after the fact?

Also, your children should not take it personally that they are not in the Wedding Party. I'm not sure how many attendants your SD is planning to have, but those spots are reserved for the people closest to the bride and groom and if she doesn't feel that close to them, she should not feel obligated to have them be a part of the wedding party. I'm very close to one of FDH's Step-sisters and not close to the other 2. She is in the wedding party as is FDH's Brother. My brother will be an usher. My Stepbrother and his other 2 stepsisters will not be in the wedding party. It's nothing against them, just a testament the closeness of the relationships with the others. Also, the groom may not have as many attendants to choose from and would have to add people he would not otherwise include so that your daughters would have somebody to walk with.

It's silly that you are so offended by the fact that they are not included in the wedding party. I also have a feeling that your son can sence your negative feelings toward the situation and that he feels torn between standing up for his mother and being a special part of his sister's special day.

Your one and only goal should be to do whatever would be the best thing for SD. It is her day and she should not have to spend that day worrying about how everybody else might be feeling.

I have a friend who is planning to elope because there was a recent divorce between her FDH's parents. His mom has already moved on and his dad has not let go yet and is still hurting over it. She decided rather than having a wedding in the hometown where all could attend, she would rather go away and not invite anybody because then she can focus on herself and hubby rather than being worried about how everybody else is feeling.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

This is an interesting situation for me personally to observe & think about b/c I was basically excluded from my Dad's wedding to my SM last October. I have been thinking about this question of weddings & invites & appropriateness from all angles.

Naturally, I was upset about not being invited (or not having it mentioned to me til after the fact). Not necessarily because SM didn't want me there (b/c we don't have a good relationship and so to an extent I understand it) but because the person she was marrying wasn't just some other person (like, for example, the relatively-anonymous groom of OP's SD) but was my father; so it was like being excluded by HIM.

But in all reality and honesty, it probably would not have been a good scene for anybody involved if I had been present. Not because I would have stirred up any junk or been on anything but my absolute best behavior, but because it would have been emotionally hard for me to hide some of my feelings (which are less than ecstatic) about this marriage and the duress under which it took place. I also think it would have been hard for SM to resist gloating just that extra bit beyond normal bridal happiness, just b/c she is immature like that and enjoys indulging in such displays for less-than-loving purposes. So that would have cheapened it for my Dad, who I genuinely want to enjoy whatever happiness he finds in their marriage. So I stand by the assertion that it IS the special day of the bride and groom and that the principle guiding everyone else should be what truly is best for them on that day (which is often what turns out to be best for the marginalized others too).

I guess the interesting twist on this is when the question comes up about whether I (or my Dad) should have forced the issue of me being present at this special event in his life, as is suggested the excluded step-relations should do as a gesture of "family unity". Should I have insisted to my Dad that I be present because I am an important person in his life? Should he have refused to get married if his daughter was not invited? I am 110% sure that my SM ---were I to be getting married--- would find every reason to get offended at every decision I made for my wedding. She was offended, after all, that I did not rush to shower her with gleeful congratulations after she excluded me from her wedding, so I expect she'd be offended at pretty much any decision I could make.

Just my ponderings on this sort of situation from various sides and curiosity about where any double-standards could develop in the perceptions about appropriate actions/stances in these cases.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Serenity,

You bring up verify interesting points and i even remember that i was also not part of my SM wedding party...I was invited to the wedding but was not a bridesmaids. She put her own 2 daughters in but not me.
Was i hurt? No. Not at all. I really didn't care that my father was getting married , i only cared that she made him happy. My relationship was strained with him but i was ok with her. And i still have no hurt feelings..i actually till this day completely forgot about the arrangments until you brought it up in your post. lol...
I still had a good time dancing at the wedding and my brother and i both broke our shoes!
Its sad that a wedding can bring so much turmoil but you know even in non blended families there is so much pettiness and in the end you cannot satisfy all.
Alot of people were upset that i had my wedding out of province. It made it very difficult for some people to attend, But i did it to have a small wedding and to also keep certain people apart.
My SK enjoyed it and I was proud of both of them to be part of it. My thankyou cards was a picture of all of us standing atthe alter.
I'm just sad and angry at times now that my relationship with SD is strained but sometimes i have to takea step back and realize the anger she has is nto really me. Its her father and mother and i need to steer clear so now i just keep a wide space between me andher and i seems to be working. She is also old enough now to decide whether to comeornot andfrom what i see she comes now 1 everymonth or so.
The week vacation we had last allwent quiet well with me and her.
But yes , crazy mom don't take offense that your daughters are not part ofthe ceremony. There is only so many people than can be part ofthe wedding group. And you dont know cash situation either. Maybe she cannot afford to pay for all dresses andmaybe the cash only stretches so far. My wedding too i was pinched for cash. I only had kids for my bridal party and it turned out nice.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Actually, I didn't raise the issue of the wedding party in my post. It is certainly up to the bridesmaid to decide that.

It doesn't appear that the OP was insisting (ie. bullying) about the wedding party. She only relayed disappointment in her post.

I think that the more important question is whether the OP and her daughters attend or not. That's what I tried to answer in my earlier post.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Athlete, yes you didnt mention it, but OP did. That is the situation. You can not disregard it. As to whether OP was insisting or bullying, if OP is even partially hinting she wont go to the wedding if her children werent attendants, that is pretty much threatening or bullying to me. Of course the question as to whether OP is more important. But whether OP can get past her children not being attendants may be part of the answer to that question.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

The ...Me and my daughters being left out of arrangements, such as bridesmaid/groomsmen, was only one sentence in a paragragh of a post...I m sure Jst didnt expect to be a bridesmaid/ groomsmen herself, she said arrangements...I m thinking her feelings are hurt because they were not, after 20 years, asked to particiapte in anyway,RE arrangements, passing out programs, lighting a candle, doing a reading, etc...Main post was badgering, harrassment on BMs part....The one that doesnt know how to behave is the one that should stay home.......


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

"I am only the step mom me and my children are being left out of any arrangements to include being part of the wedding like bridesmaid/groomsman I am being treated like a distant friend at best "

If you read wedding advice columns, you will constantly see tension where SM demands to be treated pari parsu with mother of the bride. And SD is scared to offend Dad. And SM is not MOB.

Here, SM says she resents how she is being treated.

If SM is afraid of violance, she should tell SD she is very sorry, cant come.

If she is trying to increse her and her children's visibility, then her husband has spoken. If she wishes to encourage her son to stay home, its up to her.

In short, this is all up to her, and she has to search her heart.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Not really sure they want to increase their visibility...Rather SD is excluding, rather than including them...After 20 years seems rather cruel.....


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Unless I have missed a post, all we know is that OP has been with SDs dad for 20 years. We dont know relationship between OP and SD, although we have asked. I think only the people in the relationship understand the dynamics. Has SM always put her children first? If she has been with Dad for 20 years, and he isnt stepping uo to try to negotiate one might wonder why?


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I just realized something. The OP's children must be about the same age as the bride to me. They are adults. They can make their own minds up about what to do about an invitation.

Its not as if the bride is ignoring a young impressionable step sibling. These are grownups. A bride does have the right to decide who should be in her wedding party, and that space is usually reserved for people that you are very close to.

IF SM and her kids are getting together to talk about how horrible it is that the bride didnt include them in the wedding party, then I think that maybe some of the drama between BM and SM is mutually induced.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

If stepmom and her children are invited, I wouldn't classify that as being excluded.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

You say:
"Although I am invited my step doesnt really want me to go because she knows her mom will find ways to hurt and bagger me and cuase a sceen I dont think my husband wants me to go"

I'm not saying that your thoughts and feelings are wrong, but the only way you will know if the above statement is true, is to ask your SD and her father how they honestly feel.

If they say that's not how we feel, then you need to attend the wedding. Athlete is right about your future relationship w/SD. KKNY is also right about the bride and groom being the focal point at the church and people gabbing with their friends at the reception. And I can't remember who said what about future grandkids - I think KKNY, again.

Also, do you also think that your son is perhpas reacting to how you and your BD's perceive you are all being treated rather than how you are really be treated?


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

this is what is so frustrating to me about stepfamilies.... you are damned if you do and damned if you don't so go half way- attend the ceremony but not the party that's a good suggestion OR simply ask the bride "what would YOU like me to do? what would make your day pleasant?"

I've had similar problems--BM has made comments about me attending a function that she will be at, if I go she goes out of her way to make everyone (not just me) uncomfortable (noticed by many not simply percieved by me) and if I do not attend she badmouths me for not attending...... I go to the events that I want to go do either to support DH or celebrate with kids or because it sounds fun and I skip the other functions. I don't honestly feel the need or that I'm entitled to attend everything.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Ladies - I think we have here is a classic "pigeon dump" --

New poster shows up, posts something incendiary, then leaves, never to be heard from again.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Those are trolls usually. They post made up fake controversial story and watch the effect. Just pay attention how is orginal post written, no punctuation, and the whole story sounds made up. Violent BM causing fights at daughters wedding 20 years after divorce, yeah, right. Maybe some teenager had nothing to do over the summer.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I may be one of the few men posting on the stepfamily forum, and I agree that sweeby and finedreams are right to question validity of the OP.

The problem is well thought out, but certain parts seem contrived. It's almost as if the punctuation was left out of the orignal post on purpose. In the second post by OP, there is puntuation after every sentence.

Unfortunately, I have seen a few posts like this where the original OP disappears.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Althete, on the internet, no one really knows who anyone is. For example, you might be a SM trying to convince people that SMs deserve better treatment. We dont know.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

And to convince some forum members, he'd have to be an athelete!

;-P


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

I think that we all know that everyone has to be careful on the internet.

You can believe what you want, but I'm a married father with stepkids and a child of my own. What advantage would I have being a woman pretending to be a guy on a site that seems to be 99% women? That just doesn't make any sense.

I've only been on this site for the past two months, so I'm relatively new here. I've found some posters on here who seem to have real problems they are dealing with. Most of the follow-ups are from people who are trying to help, and that's what has kept me here. I like collaborating with others who have similar experiences.

As this is a Stepfamily forum, I see no rules against stepdads on here. If some people don't want any stepdads on here, then just come right out and say it.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Athlete, as I said, you could be trying to convince others of your beliefs and think it more effective if regarded as coming from a man. No one knows.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

EEK. Honestly what difference does it make? Unless of course you suffer from gulliphobia.

I say it is always better to err on the side of kindness, just in case the original poster is a real person with a real problem.

On more than one occasion, I have felt like a chicken going after some feed, and that image was extremely amusing to me. Book, Book. LOL.

It is like throwing open for discussion--what if situations. Although it would be better and more honestly done by a moderator, it is one way to get to know what those of us, who are regular posters would do with any different scenario.

Once you start judging that this poster is a real person, and that one isn't, you choke out conversation because everyone becomes afraid of being taken in by a fake. A fake what? This board is very active for the very reason that many topics are raised, some more plausible than others. So?

This is the beauty of the internet.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

agree with coleen.

there was this story on parents forum. This one lady posted her story as estranged parent and how her DIL treated her poorly and that's why she does not talk to her son or somehting of the sort. It did sound like a real story. But people made suggestions to her that she might be too harsh on her DIL and her son, so she should try to treat them nice because they sure cannot be as evil as she decsribed. She got upset and dissapeared.

But then as time passed some newly registered member posted a thread about her MIL, in this thread this "young lady" was telling the same story but now from a position of DIL. and she portrayed herself as selfish and mean DIL. Now everybody is yelling and screaming: how dare you be so mean to your MIL, you are so evil and selfish. As time passed though it turned out that that same original poster (MIL) created a new name and decided to impersonate evil DIL as to convince everybody that DIL trully is evil.

When it was uncovered both posters (or actually one under 2 names)dissapeared. So people do bizzare stuff to prove the point or waste everybody's time. On the other hand it is OK to discuss hypothetical situation with the wedding or with whatever else even if it is made up. Who cares if it is real, it is not like it makes a difference for us, right?

The only difference is that with real story people can provide clarifications and true details to help with discussion but in made up stories we don't have that.


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Colleen, you beleive it is best to err on side of kindness? I seem to recall some unkind remarks of yours that didnt hit me as kind. Maybe you mean people should be kind to stepparents.


 o
Hey KKNY

Once you get to know people a little better as I have come to know you, of course you can become more poignant in your comments:D

But as the first post to someone you don't know ya, definitely err on the side of kindness.


 o
Also???

KKNY I am curious. Where did your huge hatred toward stepmothers come from? You aren't a stepmother. Your daughter doesn't have a stepmother. You weren't raised by a stepmother. So what gives?


 o
RE: Should I go to Step-daughters wedding?

Put all of the feelings aside and put into perspective that fact that you were invited and this means they have recognized you. I think you should go to the wedding and stay low key. Say kind supportive things to the bride and groom and remember this is their day and not yours. If you decide you can't go, you should not tell the bride the reason is because of all these feelings and wish them well and send them a gift. Remember, you will be in this person's life for the rest of your life and other occasions will arise in the future. Set the tone and take the higher road. Don't get involved in the BS and stick to the facts.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here