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serenity_now_2007
15 years ago
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fiveinall
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
One step forward, two steps back... (Long)
Comments (16)We've been married for 14 years now and we lived together for 3 years before that. While we were cohabitating I never allowed our finances to be comingled. It was incredibly difficult for us to make the financial transition after we married. Truly, of all things that was THE most difficult. I have always been the "skinflint" and the "nervous nellie" when it comes to money. I remember living in a little town where there were no jobs... and how humiliating it was to have to ask for some money to go to a movie and then to ask for some for popcorn, too. An "allowance" was never offered and I had to "justify" every request for money. It was a defining time in my life. I swore, that when I got my first job NO ONE WOULD EVER USE MONEY TO CONTROL ME AGAIN. And I remember being so afraid of what I didn't know... balancing a checkbook, making intelligent decisions with savings, investing. My parents never talked about money, it was as though it was "dirty"; even though they lived frugally and lacked for nothing. I sucked it up and learned how to do those things because if I didn't, I understood I would be vulnerable and in a position to be manipulated. And you know what? it's not hard, at all! it's actually fun. The helpmeet was much more cavalier than I with respect to money (didn't take much, lol). He was never a wanton spender, but he wasn't always so good about getting bills out on time and never lost much sleep about interest or finance charges (drove me nuts). But he had a much healthier attitude in the greater context; never laboring under the awful, nagging fears that I did. So... after a few good fights about it we sat down for a "board meeting". We agreed to do the bills together; but I was given the responsibility to call the terms because doing so allowed me to put the kibosh on interest charges and any late fees. We worked out a strict budget and he stuck to it. We lucked out, I suppose. He's no longer is "late", pays no interest, and we no longer fight about money (he has thanked me for showing him how easy it can be!). Either of us could pick up the reins and take over in the event of catastrophe. Best of all, though, I am now at ease with money; no one controls me with it and I'm secure in the knowledge that there is plenty of it to meet whatever needs we have and even enough to spend on FUN THINGS! (imagine that?!) I will go to my grave knowing he imparted that simple belief to me; it set me free. Really. It wasn't easy gettin' here. You mustn't allow your husband to dodge the issue by saying he's "sick of spread sheets"... that's an excuse (and it's unfair to put the responsibility for success or failure on YOU!), the spending isn't about the new toy, it's about something bigger. I'd bet a nickel on that. If you want to get to a trusting place with your finances you have begin by being honest and putting all your debts on paper, establishing a budget and being accountable for it, and sitting down TOGETHER every month. Silvercomet is absolutely right... this is IMPORTANT stuff. It doesn't have to be unpleasant, either. One of the nicest aspects of this process for us is the time we spend together talking about what we want for our future(s). It's gone from perfunctory attention to bills and statements to presenting ideas/goals/and seeing possibilities emerge. It's empowering and it's FUN....See Morestair railing....what style?
Comments (6)nikkidan - I have carpeted stairs with wood ends. IIRC the spindles go down into the wood (similar to #1 but without the carpet wrap around). That may be what you were describing from houzz (I don't go there much so I'm not familiar with the prevalent style). I have straight iron ballusters. My cabinets also are stained alder. Knotty alder to be specific, and my trim is off white. In my case, the iron ballusters are topped with a stained wood handrail, and although the stair caps are maple, my stain guy stained them to be as close to the color on the alder as he could get it (he had a hard time and ended up having to tint the polyurethane to get it anywhere close). I don't know what you call them but the main stairrail supports (at the landings) are painted the same off white as my trim (and I had them built out in a craftman style, similar to the style I went with for my trim). This is not my house, but the stairs are trimmed out in a similar way. I have different carpet, different ballusters, and different wood. :) But it will give you an idea of how the wood/metal/paint can be pulled together....See MoreMIL From Hell-Long
Comments (49)I'm not someone who hates people generally. I'm not particularly laid back, but at the same time I'm not someone who yells or gets mad for stupid reasons either. Until my MIL. That woman makes me want to be violent and that's not my personality. As described here DH has been having some medical problems which we're trying to get resolved. Thank you everyone for your warm wishes and prayers. God listened and we're scheduled for surgery on the 5th of February to remove the knot on his neck and the biopsy done. For his migraines the neurologist (who is also a migraine specialist!) has prescribed Topomax and Toridol. Topomax to maybe help control the migraines, and the toridol to kill the pain. He started taking the Topomax on wednesday, so we'll see what happens. She's made it clear that if he doesn't like it, he can contact her and she'll change it. We see her again in 4 weeks. Now, onto the interesting part. Over the weekend SD spent the weekend at her mom's. Friday morning I asked her to bring her laundry and sheets out so I could do laundry over the weekend and got none of it. So, saturday morning I walked into her bedroom and this foul stench hit me and I almost gagged. I stripped her sheets, and discovered they were double layered, several coke cans growing mold, a glass of chocolate milk that had separated and coagulated and stunk, oatmeal stuck to the carpet in front of her entertainment center, and moldy clothes, towels and various other items on the floor, in the closet and in the hamper. I also found broken hangers in her hamper and wadded up notes in the pockets of pants I drug out to be washed. Rule of the house, anything left in pockets of clothes in the laundry belongs to whoever is doing the laundry. That includes money, pens, keys, whatever. I didn't read the notes, but I gave them to DH who read them and handed them to me to be read. I can't believe some of the filth that came out of her pen, but it did. Friday report cards came out and since she spent the weekend at BM's house, we didn't see her report card until Monday night when we picked her up from her mom's (they were out of school Monday for MLK Day). We got home and she gave DH the report card when he asked for it and she's failing most of her classes and has notes on the side of the grades from her teachers about her disciplinary problems and lack of attention, not turning homework in, etc. So DH gives her the grades lecture and I gave her the "This is your father and I's house, we keep things clean." lecture and reminded her about drinks and food in her bedroom. No worries right? Wrong. Apparently she got PO'd about it and decided to take off again after school for the third time and I went banging on people's doors after dark looking for her and didn't find her. She was at home when I got home. She'd walked 3 miles up a busy rural highway in the dark to go to her friend's house because she was mad knowing that there are 4 offenders not far from us or her friend's house. DH and I were so mad and scared that we both went off and gave her a stern talking to and showed her online the predators that could have taken off with her, took her makeup, hair products and stylers, and her perfumes out of her bedroom and this weekend everything else comes out except for her bed and her hamper. DH is still very mad about it and I am too. She lied to us and took off again and DH with the medical problems he had almost ended up in the ER for a shot. Again. Second night in a row! Yesterday apparently DH talked to his mom at some point in time and she asked if she could pick up SD for the weekend, he said yes, and then called me and talked to me after he talked to her, and realized that SD was supposed to spend the weekend with us doing pennance. So MIL calls SD after we got home and asks if she wants to come over and SD (of course) tells MIL that I said it's not ok, she's got things to do. MIL flys off the handle says "Well F___ Nadia!" and heads over to our house where she promptly walks into our bedroom where DH is sitting on the computer and proceeds to chew rear end again. Telling me that it's none of my concern what her bedroom smells like and what she does in there (it's my house) and that they'd never had those problems before me to which DH said that he hadn't had custody of SD before me, then she told DH that he's a "Sorry sack of s___" and she wasn't going to take his bs and that what happened this week had nothing to do with her and SD should be able to go to her house if she wants. Then she said She'd file for grandparents rights and then custody. And last she said she was done with us and she wasn't putting up with the BS anymore, gave us our key, kicked the cat, and slammed the door hard enough to knock pictures off the wall. Last night I was so mad about what she did I was half tempted to follow her, flag her down and give her the lecture on what mothers are. They're not obsessed and psychotic on people they love, nor are they like that when their child is going in for major surgery in less than a week and 1/2 and is facing being medicated for the rest of his life because she let a seizure disorder get out of hand when he was a child. That's what the neurologist thinks started the migraines. And she calls herself a mother? She's controlled him his whole life! She could never hold onto a husband or a boyfriend so she held onto DH and he became a posession to her. Her whole view on her family is twisted and deranged. She thinks she's entitled to things that state law says she's not (like EOW with SD. According to state law, she has none because DH never married SD's mom., and she's convinced that she should have custody of SD and still be bossing DH around. This woman's mind is a poisonous place and I'm seriously wondering what she's going to pull next. I'm sure she'll not be gone long before she calls us crying about how she shouldn't have been mad, but we were behaving like jealous children. That's how it always goes. She'll get DH so would up he ends up in the ER, she'll get me so mad I'm ready to punch her, and she lets SD do what she wants. I'm still mad and I'm glad that she's gone for however long she's gone. Maybe I'll have some peace in my home for a change. DH is understandably upset, but he says it was her decision to make and she had her mind made up before she came to our house. He's right. She did....See MoreI need to talk about my adult step-daughter
Comments (5)Shakti, I have to wonder if you have ever been in a stepfamily! Rob says he has been the father figure to his stepchildren for 28 years! That's hardly "only a friend." Would you tell an adoptive parent that they were "only a friend"? It sounds like he stepped in when their biological father had done them some pretty awful physical and psychic harm--that's not "just a friend" stuff, either. Sure biology and genes are important, but the day to day raising can be almost as powerful. Rob, I am closer to your age probably than some of the other wonderful posters here, and I might be able to offer some insight? Wish I could be of more help. One thing that occurred to me reading your anguished words is that you are at the age where we start to think more about our place in the world, what we have done, life review and all that. And seeing where we are peched on a family tree is so important to us all of a sudden. Whereas the young people in our lives are intent on making their own families, making their own way in the world--it sometimes feels like they have no time for us, like we are no longer important in their lives. And it sounds like although you feel your SD strongly prefers your wife over you, it also sounds like she is "buying" the favor, making herself indispensible by providing all those practical services for SD. (Didn't mean for that to sound negative--it's the way of the world.) Is there a reason you don't go along to visit your grandkids? (I didn't say "stepgrandkids" because I know so many stepparents who would never dream of calling their SKs their "children," but for some reason are comfortable without the "step-" with the next generation. Maybe because the grandkids never knew a time without them--or maybe because grandkids already have four grandparents, why not add another one?) Here's something else I discovered as I was thinking these things through in my own life. With my SDs, I am more quick to perceive slights and insults. But when it is my own children I find myself thinking "oh they're just kids." I try to apply that test when it seems like my SDs are ignoring me or not as receptive as I would like to an activity or something--I say "what if it was my biokids" and then it doesn't hurt so much--I find myself in the "they're just kids" place. Have you talked to your stepdaughter about missing her and the grandkids? Do you and your wife ever babysit? Your relationship with your grandkids will soon grow on its own, apart from their mom....See Morefinedreams
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