anyone like their step-kids?
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22 years ago
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Resenting husband for enabling disrespectful step kids
Comments (29)I am dealing with a 13 year old stepson that has pushed me to the point that I absolutely DESPISE HIM!!! I feel so guilty for feeling like this!!! He is spoiled and entitled and he goes out of his way to disrespect me and speaks to me like I am just a pest living in HIS house. He keeps arguments going constantly between his father and I. He comes in our bedroom and goes through my dresser drawers and takes my socks, clothes, anything that he feels like that he wants and he says that everything in this house belongs to him because it is HIS house. His dad told him that this is his house one day when he grows up. By him saying that at some point, the kid assumes that this is his house! Nevermind that I pay the Bill's and cook, clean, buy the food that he eats etc!! When I say anything to his dad about it, he defends the kid and says that I am always on the kid about something. In fact his father encourages and laughs about his son treating me like garbage. He says "hes just joking with you" and "that's just how he picks and plays". The kid knows what he is doing and he is so disrespectful and continues because he has no consequences for anything that he does wrong. He stole my bank card a few months ago and spent $140 on his xbox game. When I discovered it, I told his daddy. Within an hour the kid was playing on the xbox. His daddy said "it's ok, he will pay it back". No consequences!! The kid busts up in the bedroom when he feels like it when I am asleep. I swear I have said that I am gonna start sleeping naked, that will maybe teach him. He is always saying things about his mother and how his dad will never get over his mom and will always love her etc etc!!! He is always involving his daddy in his mother's business!! I swear I have tried and tried and tried to have a positive relationship with this kid but it's impossible. It is making me despise him and his daddy for being so enabling and letting the kid treat me like he does and talk to me the way that he does!!! It is on the verge of my packing and leaving!! A person can't take but so much!!!...See MoreConsider divorce over step kids
Comments (10)A couple of things come up with this. . . First of all, your wife is the one with the problem, it appears, and not as much your step-kids. If step-kids are being lazy, disrespectful, and so on, it is usually because the SO or spouse laid the groundwork for that long ago. It may have even been before you entered the picture. Either your wife is just a lazy parent, or she "enjoys" having an us vs. them mentality in the household. The house may be hers, but the household should unquestionably be both of yours. It is not easy to blend families in the least. What is central to all getting along is adults being treated like adults, children being treated like children, spouses being treated like spouses, exes being treated like exes, and so on. Unfortunately, what happens too often in step-situations is that these roles get somehow and horribly messed up. As I see in your situation, for example, a child may be treated more like an adult (your SSs), while the adult (you) may be treated more like a child. This is the setup in your household, it appears. Your wife didn't compromise much when you married. She got to keep her house and got to keep her thumbs of control on the household and got to let her sons run around free, allowing them to do as they so saw fit. You, on the other hand, had to give up far more. You came into a strange house and you and your daughter were both treated like strangers (and still are) vs. your wife laying the groundwork with her own children to make sure that you were accepted and seen as her SO or spouse and not as simply mommy's main squeeze who came along with that pesky other child. Your wife set this all up for you, and you allowed or are allowing it to continue. And, I actually don't think it is all that uncommon for one of the divorced partners to want to have their cake and eat it too, while the other is expected to give it all up for 'em, unfortunately. Very few understand that fallout from a divorce can continue for years and even a lifetime. Thus, when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship, you are unwittingly taking on all of that turmoil, past, present and future, that can come from someone else's divorce, in addition to your own (if you are divorced too). I'd also suggest seeing a counselor, but if anything, start out seeing one for yourself. A counselor well-experienced in blended families can give you further insight into what is going on in the household. Maybe at some point, you'd bring you wife in or maybe at some point, you'd decide it is best to just leave. The fact that she refuses to sell her home and get a joint, assuming better suited one for both families, tells me she thinks her and her children's needs are above those of you and yours and any of your children, even the one you had together. But, a counselor can help you break that down further. Take care, and best of luck to you! Remember, you are not alone by any means, and you were set up, intentionally or not, for this sort of dysfunction in the household long ago. Now you have to deal with the consequences....See MoreNightmare Step Kids
Comments (6)I agree with brass tacks in what she asked about. Why your wife goes behind your back and goes against what both have you agreed on. In reality, besides the resentment that will grow in you, she is also making you seem like the 'bad' guy and her the good one on their sides and forming a stronger bond. An illusion for her because her kids are basically manipulating her. i think if you stay, you will have to talk about this. What i dont understand is why your wife doesn't want to talk about her daughters bad behaviour. THe way i see it, its seems to bother you more than her when it comes to belly piercings, late nights, etc..etc. These are not your kids to decipline. Even if she has let you, your setting yourself up. As a child growing up, i resented any discipline coming from my stepmother. And now as a stepmother of 2 kids, i have told my husband and his kids i will not discipline. I demand respect because i give respect to all of them but its not my job to ground them. That's up to their mother and father. This is what i mean about her letting you and making you the bad guy. Let her handle her kids cra*p! Its not your job. Concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Does she love you? ARe you losing your trust? Do you always let her go into your wallet? The kids hate you because you are discipling. Stop it! Let their mother do it. I know you are concerned about them and their well being. Yes they are a package. But there are instructions on special packages and this is what you have opened. The instructions are not being followed. Or they were not written properly between you and your wife. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss some rules and of course your feelings. How is your wife taking it when her kids are leaving the house and blaming you? Is she resentful or couldnt' care less? Very important, please dont take the blame. These are teenagers. Walking hormones with nasty temper tantrums...been there..done that!:) You are not the one splitting them apart. Your wifes decisions are. By going against what you both decided, she is underminding your cohesiveness as a united front. This is bad when it comes to dealing with kids. You must be united. If she cannot do this. Then its time to go. If she cannot correct this...then its time to go. If it doesn't bother her that her kids are leaving and couldnt care less if they like you or not...you can continue but i dont know how you would feel knowing she is like this....See MoreStep parenting help!! Step kids :(
Comments (3)M. Martin, plenty of SPs have been in your position. Being a SP is not an easy task, at all. Many who are both bio-parents and SPs say the step-parenting has been by far the more difficult. Dismissive attitudes from many, including counselors, unfortunately, are not all that uncommon either. Many have been taught or trained to think only from the perspective of the bio-parents and their children, and therefore don’t take SPs thoughts, feelings or rights (yes, SPs do have rights) into consideration much, if at all. One thing you could do that might help, is make sure you see a counselor well-experienced in blended families or one who is a SP him or herself. But, sometimes even that is questionable. Sometimes SPs get “lucky” and have both a supportive bio-mom and spouse/DH and sometimes they may just have a supportive spouse. The term supportive in this case means that your role as DH’s wife and step-mom is accepted AND enforced. However, some SMs have pretty much zero support from anyone, including their own husbands. This is the bucket you seem to be falling into. Your DH doesn’t support you in your role with his children, so his children don’t support you either. If the kids were younger, you’d need to focus on turning your DH around, so he can turn his kids around. But, since the SKs are now adults and your DH has allowed this for quite some time, if you want to stay married to your DH, options are fewer. I’d still recommend trying to find a different counselor. Some are starting to see that SM does have a side now and a side that needs to be respected by all, starting with DH. Once DH sees this, then he needs to pass this “SM needs to be respected” along to his kids (and it needs to come from him!). BM you have less control over, but it seems she is not an issue here. However, in your case, I could make an argument that your husband LET his daughter or daughters take on the anti-SM role that some BMs take from time to time. I’m going to give you a couple of words to look up and you can see if they apply to your situation and go from there. One is the term Mini-wife. The other term is Disengagement. Since your DH won’t change, it seems, and your SKs are adults now, your only option if you want to stay married but not have to put up with being treated like sloppy seconds or thirds may be disengagement. There are other step-parenting websites out there. You can either vent or get opinions there too. Look around, do research, decide what YOU want to do. Keep in mind, you will probably never have the stereotypical happy blended family, but personally I don’t think most do. I think most maybe have the OK blended family. But, sometimes given the dynamics, even OK may be out of reach, and it is a question of letting the initial family do what they may, to a point, and trying to disengage or ignore their clouded, seemingly backwards judgement and actions the best you can. Instead, focus on your own family’s wants and needs. Best of luck to you...See Morebetty1937_kscable_com
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