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Help Me Put This into Words for DH

Posted by lovehadley (My Page) on
Sun, Aug 29, 10 at 11:26

He doesn't GET IT.

I am not sure he ever will.

Someone suggested that I stop trying to convince him one way and try another tactic.

Here is the issue.

This coming Tuesday is Parents' Night at SS's school. It begins at 6 pm. It is also BM's regular custodial night. She asked DH if we could switch nights. Reason? She does not want to have to pick SS up from school at 3:30, drive home (about 30-35 minutes)and then SHE will have to turn around and come back to school. (KIDS do not come to Parent Night. So SS would stay home with his stepfather.)

Anyway, DH asked me and he didn't see the problem. He asked me why I would care if we switched nights.

WHY?

Because once again, it would be ME doing BM a favor. DH would go straight from work to Parent Night, and would not be home until about 7:15 pm---Parent Night is normally about a little over an hour.

So I would pick SS up, go home, watch him all night, etc.

All so BM can avoid driving back and forth.

Is it just me or is this HER problem??? It is her custodial night and SHE needs to figure it out. If it were our custodial night, I would GLADLY pick SS up from school, as I always do--but I am NOT NOT NOT doing favors for this woman.

HOW can I make DH understand this?

He honestly doesn't get it. "What is the big deal if we switch nights?" he asked me today.

I want to scream.

Can I phrase it another way? In man language????


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

I wanted to clarify---this was not a fight we had by any means.

He asked if this would be a problem---I said YES, it is and NO, I don't think you should agree to switch. He said OKAY, but he was confused and told me he did not understand my reasoning.

He respected my answer and said he will tell BM no switching, but he doesn't understand my thoughts.

We also discussed switching b/c it is something we do from time to time. For example, DH let BM have an extra night last month b/c it was her mother's 60th birthday; we've switched on special occasion nights from time to time, as well.

I pointed out though that the DIFFERENCE is that is FOR SS. It's something we (or BM) does because we want HIM to get to be at a party or included in a family event.

THIS is not for SS, this *favor* is strictly for BM's convenience. And that IMO is the difference.


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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

I would probably say "It's not a big deal, you can leave work to come get him & YOU can stay home with him while BM goes to Parent night."

I don't know if he would understand "man language"... he has already been threatened with divorce & has been told how it makes you feel, even acknowledged your feelings on the issue. It's not a big deal to HIM because he is not the one putting HIMSELF out, he's got YOU... and he's taking you for granted & ignoring YOUR feelings. Sometimes it's as simple as the words they choose... he could have said, "honey, would you mind doing this?" But, that doesn't negate the fact that it's doing BM a favor.

I tend to say too much but I'd be tempted to say "what's the big deal, she's not working so she has the time plus now she has her new van!"


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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

"It's not a big deal to HIM because he is not the one putting HIMSELF out, he's got YOU... and he's taking you for granted & ignoring YOUR feelings."

Tell him, as Ima said:

"It's not a big deal, you can leave work to come get him & YOU can stay home with him while BM goes to Parent night."

"what's the big deal, she's not working so she has the time plus now she has her new van!"

There's nothing I can add. It's not a big deal because he's not the one inconvenienced. And I know you don't mind having SS with you... and that's where they got you. If you say no, you're the evil SM who doesn't want to care for SS. If you say yes, you're their doormat.


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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

I do understand BM not wanting to drive and DH agreeing to switch and you not wanting to do favors for BM. In fact all 3 of you make sense. So i have a compromise. how about DH or BM picks their kid up, drops them off at someone else's house, grandparents maybe or babysitter, then either one of them attends parent night? then you don't feel like they make decisions that effect you negatively. and everyone gets what they want out of this situation.

There is another option, no one goes to parents night, those are usually very boring and I never found them useful.

I only attended open nights when DD was in high school in case I hear something truly useful. I did find parent-teacher conferences useful at a high school but completely useless in elementary and especially middle school, waste of time. I bet you, parent night will be a torture for either parent. I'd rather stay home and read to my kid.


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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

I might say is this:
While you might feel the need to help BM out, I don't. In the future if you want to play nicey with BM it best not involve me in any way, shape, or form.
Because in the past, by YOU NOT TAKING CHARGE of what role she plays in our marriage it has compromised my feelings towards you.
And that saddens me to no end.
So, in future think about THAT before asking me to do any favors for her.
Now go try figure out "what's the big deal" in what I've just shared with you DH.


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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

Thanks ladies.

I decided--it doesn't MATTER if he *gets it* or not. I cannot make him understand my feelings on the matter, all I can do is decide what I am comfortable with--draw and enforce my own boundaries.

I am responsible for SS after school on ALL of DH's custodial days---every Wed, Thurs and every other Friday. I know this and I am FINE with it, even enjoy it.

BM knows her own days and this is her issue. SHE can decide all by herself if going to Parent Night is important enough to drive back and forth or not. That is her choice.

DH is not angry with me or anything, he seems to respect my decision, even though I can tell he doesn't understand.

"And I know you don't mind having SS with you... and that's where they got you. If you say no, you're the evil SM who doesn't want to care for SS. If you say yes, you're their doormat."

Silver, that is exactly it. I need to FORGET about that, though. It doesn't matter what BM thinks or doesn't think.I care about SS and she knows that, and so does DH, but caring does NOT equal being a doormat.

As far as I'm concerned, SHE needs to take me out of the equation. No more of her asking "Can Love do it?" She is welcome to ask DH for a favor anytime she wants, but if HE says no, that's the end of the line.

Parent---grandparents are not an option. DH's parents are not in town and BM's parents are just NOt grandparent-ly, helpful types. They just do not do that kind of stuff---ie, helping out with the grandkids.

"


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RE: Help Me Put This into Words for DH

"I decided--it doesn't MATTER if he *gets it* or not. I cannot make him understand my feelings on the matter, all I can do is decide what I am comfortable with--draw and enforce my own boundaries."

Now THAT sounds healthy --


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