sister issue

16 years ago

I know this is a stepfamily forum, but I feel that you all have given good advice and I want your imput on a situation regarding my sister.

We have always been close. My sis is in her mid 20's and just had a baby. The father is a LOSER. He does not work EVER, has a BAD drug problem, has stolen from my sister on at least 4 occasions that I know of (stole credit cards and ran them up etc), took her cell phone last time he ran off, has cheated on her with his ex, has 2 other kids that the state has taken away from his ex-and prior to that he paid no support and had no visitation, has told another of my family members that "he could get a girl who is a "10", but settled for my sister because she has a "good personality". He has taken off on her throughout her pregnancy, the last time telling her that he never cared about her. My other sis and I were the ones who threw her a baby shower and were at the hospital with her during delivery. We were the ones who helped her buy baby stuff and hung out with her during her whole pregnancy. We took turns staying at the hospital with her after. Now "Mr. Wonderful" has reappeared. My sister and the baby stayed at his moms house for a week and he went out EVERY NIGHT and came back at wee hours of the morning.

Now she is hanging out with him, buying him food and a new pair of shoes. She told me the other day that she told him if he could stay clean until her lease is up in a few months she would move out of state with him! He has relatives out of state who will let them live in their own place rent free while they get on their feet. She says that he will stay off drugs there! I told her that he will certainly be able to find drugs anywhere he lives! I told my sister that if he can not stay clean here she should not chance quitting her well paying job and moving across the country. I also pointed out to her that the few time he earned any cash out here from doing work around peoples houses he disappeared on drug binges.

Her defense: "he is my baby's father"!!!!! She uses that excuse to justify hanging out with him and sleeping at his moms house with him. She said they are friends and I pointed out that friends do not make-out like they have been. And I reminded her that a few days ago, when he left her at his moms with the baby, he was out with his ex. Then she told me that she did not want to hear me say anything bad about him. I had it at that point and started reminding her of all the horrible things he has done and asked her what good he has ever done for her besides giving her a beautiful baby! She hung up on me and then sent me text messages telling me it is her life and nothing I say matters and told me that when I get off my high horse then I can call her, until then she has nothing to say to me.

So, I sent her one back telling her that I do not want to be a part of her fantasy land with a guy who clearly does not care about her and is with her for convenience. I pointed out that she doesn't talk about him to our father or any of his family or bring him around them because she knows he is a loser. I told her that when she gets some self-esteem and is tired of being used and abused then she can try to call me. I told her to think long and hard about trading a sister that has always been there for her for a guy who has a shelf life of a few weeks before he steals $ from her and takes his ex on a drug binge.

Now I feel HORRIBLE! I love my sister and my new neice. But, I just got so fed up with her acting like hanging out with my neices father was normal. My sister is a bigger girl and has always had a hard time dating, I know she has low self-esteem. But it kills me to watch her spend all her money on him, while he contributes NOTHING (has not even bought a pack of diapers for the baby!). And it kills me to hear that he is out with his ex doing drugs and see my sister acting like it is not happening! I pointed out to her that her daughter does not deserve to grow up around someone who is going to take off like he does, and I asked her how she will pay her bills on maternity leave right now if he steals from her again. I also pointed out that nobody wants him around, that I never visit her when he is there and that he will never be allowed at my house or around my kids.

My dh says that I did the right thing, that someone had to say something to her instead of co-signing her BS. My other sis has also told her the same things I have about him being a loser. She blew up at her too. I just am so sad now. Do you think I did the right thing?

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Comments (9)

finedreams
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
you did the right thing telling her. At the same time I understand how you feel about the issue. You love your sister and realtionship with her is important for you. I do not know how I would act in you case. I would be hard broken seeing my sister throwing her life out for such a low life guy. But....

I have learned not to interfer in my brother's life in regards to his wife. No drugs or any other bad stuff happening but she is a loser. She never worked in her life, is lazy and completely depends on my brother, she is not nice to her own son-my nephew, pretty much is mean to her son, my brother constantly worries sick and takes care of 4 people, he is always tired. On top of everything she is not always nice to my parents, often plain rude and mean to my mom who is the most peaceful woman ever.

But neither I nor my parents say anything because we know he will defend her and it would just spoil our relationship with him. We just let them be. He is grown up. Your sister is grown up and if that's what she wants to do with her life, it is nothing you can do. I hear you though, it is very painful..
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
She appears to think that any man in her life is better than no man in her life.

And sad to say, I think there are a lot of influences in our society that reinforce that kind of thinking. Think of all the Country & Western or Blues songs along the lines of "That man o' mine - He ain't no good - But I'll love him 'til the day I die." She sees herself standing by her man, and perhaps thinks he'll someday appreciate her strength and patience. (Yeah - right)

There are only two ways this changes -- She gets her self-esteem back up or he leaves her for good.
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mom2emall
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks for your advice. Finedreams, I wish that I could still maintain a relationship with my sister. But, I do not see how that is possible. Because of his theft issues and drugs I can not allow him to come into my home or around my kids. Since he does not work that does not leave much time for me to visit with my sister unless she goes out without him to see me. And how can we maintain a "normal" relationship when I have to exclude her boyfriend? I almost wish that her boyfriend was similar to your sister-in-law, at least then I could dislike him but he would not be a "threat" to my home or family.

Sweeby: I have a feeling that she will not get her self-esteem back up. So I guess I have to sit and hope that he leaves her for good. I do agree that she seems to think any man is better than no man. I think the thing that hurts the most is that we have been so close and talk on the phone every day and see eachother all the time. Before I met my dh she lived with me for about 2 years. My husband and I have actually just purchased a home about a mile away from her and are moving in this week. It just stinks.
sweeby
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Any chance she would agree to a few counseling sessions? After nearly 10 years of a subtly-abusive marriage to Evil Ex, my self-esteem was also in the toilet. But counseling really helped me see that it wasn't ME who was screwy -- it was him. My self-esteem rebounded within a few weeks and the rest is history.

Now if your sister has always been heavy, I'd guess her self-esteem has probably been a problem for about as long as her weight. Any chance you could take up walking together once you move closer? Once a few pounds come off and she can see a difference, it might kick-start improvements in other areas.
lilysuzanne40
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My sister's husband is a loser, too. I try to be there for her, but I don't interfere. She's with him for financial reasons alone ... lots of bills and he contributes half the income. I think she's scared to leave him and lose everything.

Bottom line though is that some women think they can't live without a man. Funny thing is, I seem to do just fine.
dirtboysdad
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sweeby, can you tell me something about "subtle abuse", like what your ex did that was both subtle and abusive?

I've told someone in our family that her husband is abusing her, albeit in a subtle manner. She won't listen, at least not yet. You're the first person I've "met" who has talked about "subtle abuse."

TIA
mom2emall
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't think my sis would go to counseling, she does not feel like she has any problems. She acts like being with this guy is fine because, after all, she is the father of her baby! No matter what I said, or what my other sister has said, or what my mom has said, she still tells us that "it is her decision to "BE FRIENDS" (as she puts it) with him and nothing we say will change her mind about spending time with him and moving across the country!

Meanwhile it is killing me not to talk to her, and it has only been a few days! I worry about her and wonder if some of this twisted emotion is not partially due to some post pardom stuff? Though, he came in and out of her life during her pregnancy and she would always take him back.

My dh says that I should not call her, that it must affect her that I won't talk to her because we have been so close. That maybe my distance will put things into perspective for her. I just hope that I am doing the right thing!

Meanwhile, she left the baby with him while she went to a dinner for some friend from her work. I guess that she thinks that because it is his child that somehow his theft and drug use may not affect his ability to care for a child?
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
In Texas, if he gets arrested for drugs while he's taking care of the baby, & Child Protective learns that the baby's mother knew about the drug use, the mother could lose custody.
mom2emall
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think it is like that everywhere. As soon as he started coming around I warned her about leaving the baby with him and asked her how she would feel coming home to him drugged out and the baby neglected. Or coming home to find out that he was out with the baby and his drug addict friends! She said that she did not trust him alone with the baby, but here she is making another bad choice. I can't do anything to stop it either.

sister issue

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sister issue

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finedreams

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