How much responsibility should I take for boyfriends child?
lifetogether
14 years ago
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deborah_ps
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agolovehadley
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How long should I support jobless adult child?
Comments (5)Is she working at all? I know she might not be able to find work in her "career" yet, but she is probably very capable of working some other job until she does. Also, plenty of graduate degrees really don't give someone a ticket into the workforce...if her degree is in "woman's studies" or something....she might be forced to start out at a very entry level position in some unrelated field, as opposed to having an accounting or engineering degree that really does set you up for a career. My kids are 13 and 10....but I've been explaining to them for years already how it's gonna work...if you get good grades in school we will pay for your college and support you, when college is over, you are on your own. If you don't get good grades in school, we are not wasting our money on college and when you turn 18 you are on your own. Not to say I would never help them out a little here or there, like help with a down payment on a first house or something...but I will not support my kid as an adult (assuming they are mentally/physically able to work of course). Supporting an adult child does not do them any good...I saw it first hand, my parents did it with my brother after college for a couple years, let him live home rent-free while he "looked" for work and worked part time. he bacame very depressed, drank a lot and it took him several years to put on his big boy underwear and get out there and on his own. I on the other hand lived in a sh*t-hole apartment, worked nights in a nursing home as a security guard so I was free to interview during the days during the 9+ months it took me to find work after college. I would have worked 3 jobs rather than move back home as a college grad....nothing against my parents, I just knew it would be a bad move. Guess who's had a better work ethic as an adult? He's bounced around from career to career, had long stretches where he did essentially nothing....while I've busted my butt and have been fairly successful in my profession. I would strongly advise against continuing to support her, and no way would I even think about letting her move back home....See MoreResenting boyfriend and his child.. advice appreciated!
Comments (6)I'm sorry, thirteen years old is TOO old to still be holding his dad's hand and laying his head on his shoulder. Ewwww. There are so many problems with this relationship. - he babies his THIRTEEN year old son - his son is jealous of you - he pays for everything for his son when he already gives BM child support - he pays for BM's expenses - thinks he abandoned his family - he did not abandon his family but because he feels this way BM will use this to her advantage to squeeze more money out of him - because he feels guilty he will probably let his son get away with bad behavior - pays all this CS and BM does not support her child It's funny that your BF says he gives BM all this money because he had no reason to have money for himself or save, yet he can barely afford to pay his half of the bills. There is always a reason to save. He is giving BM all his money to his own detriment. What will he do if something unexpected were to happen to himself - car repair, medical bill? What is he saving for retirement? You are right this relationship will hold you back. You're young, you're 23, you have your whole life ahead of you. The only problem is you have fallen in love with him so you can't see that this relationship will not work. My story - I dated a man for two years that had a 8 year old son. Because he felt guilty that he didn't see his son every day, he spoiled him. His son was spoiled and treated like a little adult. BF even let him sleep in the bed with him! I was like this kid is TOO big to still be sleeping with you. This kid was always walking on the furniture and jumping on things. I told BF his son was TOO big to be doing that, but BF was like what's the big deal? Those couches are old anyway. Don't you know one time BF and I were laying bed watching TV, and his kid JUMPS into the bed, and lands right on my shin! I screamed because this kid was heavy and it really hurt when he landed on my leg. I told BF that was the reason why he needed to stop this kid from jumping on things all the time. Needless to say, BF continued to be a guilty/lazy parent. He would not make his son mind. I have two daughters of my own, and I made them listen. I disciplined them when they needed it. BF never wanted to discipline his son because he "didn't want to ruin the limited amount of time" they had together. As a result, his son was rude, spoiled, and never did what he was told. In addition, he too, struggled fiancially to pay his bills because of CS. He was very eager for me and my daughters to move in with him. He kept saying how wonderful it would be to have someone to share the bills with. I realized he was more interested in me helping him pay his bills than in sharing a life together. Eventually I broke up with BF. It was hard at first, because I loved BF so much, but as time went on, it got better. I realized I would not have been happy. And that's what you have to think about. Are you really happy in this relationship with the way things are? Sure, when the son's not around, things are probably great, but the real test of a relationship is not when things are good, it's when things are bad. And what if dad decides to get more time with his son? That's what happened to me. I never in a million years thought my BF would get more time with his son. His BM depended on CS too much, or so we thought. Don't you know one day she tells BF she is too busy with work and school to handle the son and lets BF have him. So BF went from every other weekend to his son to having him 24/7. I knew I could not handle dealing with his son on a daily basis. Sure, he didn't have to pay CS anymore, but getting full custody brought on a whole another set of problems. I was not ready to deal with a kid that I did not raise, that did not want to listen to me and that I could not discipline the way he needed to be. The way I dealt with the situation is I ended it. I know that's not what you want to hear, but now that I am able to look back I realize it was the right decision....See MoreShould I leave my boyfriend?
Comments (25)sorry this is a long vent... Fingernails: aye, yes and it was difficult. his birthday so i agreed to go out one last time, i'm going away on business soon anyway so i felt like that would protect and reinforce that not seeing each other until that list is finished... i know it was screwed up to go out with him but somehow i really feel like everyone deserves a nice birthday... but then he wanted to "talk" about that list, started going over it, like "ok well, the thing about meeting with his teacher every week.... can you go with me? and, i don't know if every week is going to be possible, i mean, she might get really annoyed." I said "well, hello, i mean it just means contact once a week to get her observations on him... so after the first meeting or two in which you explain the situation you can just call her once a week." Reasonable, no? I mean, wouldn't any teacher have sympathy for a single father who appraoches her saying he's struggling and needs her feedback? But then he still wanted me to go with him... my heart was torn but I was like "no, listen, it doesn't sound like you really want to do this stuff on this list. if you don't agree with it, if you don't think you're at crisis point enough to tell the teacher, hey listen sorry Ms. Teacher to be bugging you, i'm only doing it because i'm at wit's end over my son" ... well if you don't think you're at crisis point yet that you're still worrying about what she'll be annoyed with and what she thinks about you... then you're just not ready. (And besides, I mean wouldn't it be strange for me as girlfriend to go along to such a meeting? it's not my kid! Plus not so much teacher's impression but my point that BF should be doing this stuff HIMSELF! though later i thought, maybe he's worried she'll think he's coming on to her and that's why he wants me along... and then i felt bad for refusing) Then he wanted to move on to the other stuff, and I sensed he was trying to turn it into some kind of bargaining session. He was like "hmmm maybe I can do 60% or 80% of this but not all..." Remember the list was: going to family therapy 8 sessions, hiring a baby-sitter every single time we go out, talking to boy's teacher once a week, reading 5 books on parenting, my ex getting a real bed for himself and sleeping in the second bedroom not in the living room.... I thought "what on earth?! an ultimatum is an ultimatum! this is not negotiable!" Like him saying "oh maybe it's going to be hard to get a baby-sitter, i mean if it were a regular job fine, but it would be hard to get someone say for the weekend if we go away, especially if it's only occasionally. (in the ultimatum it said, OR the child just comes along! simple no?) I blew my top then, not literally but just said "hey it doesn't really sound like you're ready to make real changes so whatever... it's your call..." which unfortunatley turned into this long coversation on whether he is truly ready, etc... at which point i said "listen there are some deep underlying issues here which i don't think it's good to hear about from someone like me, we're too close, but a therapist could help you figure it out reasonably quick if it's a good one." At which point he says "yeah well actually i'm thinking more about calling my cousin who's a pediatrician... " at which point i thought "great a pediatrician is really going to help you figure out your parenting... especially if it's your relative who needs to stay on good terms with you!" but i humored him adn said "that sounds like a great start, ask her opinion about the situatin, maybe ask her if she things family therapy would help" but then he continues "because you know she met my son a couple years ago, spent a day with us, and she told me she thought my son was going to have problems." INside i'm like "what the #$%$#!!! a professional told you that, two years ago, and you never followed up on that?! You never asked her why she thought that, and what you could do about it? I sure as heck would be concerned if a pediatrician told me that. I'd ask a thousand questions and call that person whenever problems did happen!" More and more I just can't believe this guy! we left with me saying "ok well call me way way down the road, and if and only if there have been radical changes." which he kind of took to mean never. so in that sense my ultimatum has failed, it seems by saying i wasn't going to budge on it and wasn't going to go with him to see teacher, like he gave up... I feel bad but I think I have to save my sanity no? Thanks all for just letting me vent. Sorry to have taken up so much of everyone's time!...See MoreI just found out my boyfriend has a daughter...
Comments (10)Welcome to this board! It is really such a great tool in keeping my sanity as a stepmom! The advice I give you is to really take things slowly and think about the worst case scenerio and decide if it is something you can live with. My hubby has sole custody of my 3 stepkids. But we can not erase her from our existance. She has moved out of state 3 times and come back only to leave again. Each time taking a piece of the kids happiness with her. She has made plans with them and stood them up without so much as a phone call. She has been gone 8 months now without as much as a phone call. We have no idea where she is living or how to get a hold of her. Her family knows which state she is in---which is no longer the same state as us, but that is about it. They can't even contact her! Each time she reappears with promises to the kids, which she does not fill. Then we are left picking up the pieces. At times the kids lash out at us because they are upset with her. But then they will talk to her on the phone and be nice as pie because they fear that she will disappear again if they don't. Its horrible to watch. So sole custody isn't a fairy tale ending. OR you could have a situation like justnotmartha or imamommy where the ex makes everything a fight. Imamommy has been in and out of court with her hubby and his ex. That can get costly. You could have a situation like doodleboo where the kids mom is a druggie and has bad boyfriends that you don't want the child around. You could have a situation like lovehadley where the mom is violent and drunk and uses the child as a weapon and excuse for everything. There is no easy part of stepparenting. Its twice the work of regular parenting and a very thankless job! Would I go back and never have married my hubby? NO WAY! I love him and the children. But I will not lie to you and tell you this was an easy road. It has been a struggle at times. And we have argued over the children and his ex. But we are always able to talk things out. Great communication is the key to success in any relationship, but more so in a stepfamily situation. I wish you a lot of luck and I encourage you to do a search on the posters I have mentioned and on my self on here to read some of our posts and what we have gone through. I also encourage you to come here often for advice or just to vent or share stories....See Morethermometer
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