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Upset with DH right now - a rant

Posted by mattie_gt (My Page) on
Fri, Aug 20, 10 at 8:47

I'm pretty upset with DH right now and I don't know if I'm completely over-reacting or not.

SS8 has had soccer camp in the evenings this week; starting next week it will cut down to two weeknights for games and practices. This is BM's weekend; she is supposed to pick SS up 30 mins before practice starts. Neither DH nor I thought for one second that BM might actually take him to practice (in fairness, it is her time, even though she's almost certainly not going to do anything else with him either), but she certainly wasn't going to if she didn't know when it was.

So, DH called her last night, said it was a practice evening, and he was sure that SS would like to go and she could see him practice. She responded that DH knew she didn't like driving around down here (it's all of 50 minutes from where she lives). DH said it was less than a mile from our house and she could follow us there - she said that she would just pick him up afterward at our house. And DH agreed. All of this was during a phone conversation.

They are still under the temporary CO that very clearly dictates times, dates, drivers, etc. Most parents, of course, can work things out together but these two could not agree on the color of, um, money. Last time they came to an outside agreement, BM sat on the witness stand and lied, under oath, about it; and according to DH, she's done that every time they've gone to court.

I asked DH what he was planning to do if, now that he'd agreed to disregard the CO regarding pickup time, BM decided to just keep SS at the end of the weekend, and then tell the judge that he had agreed to that as well. He said he'd explain that he hadn't; he'd just agreed to a late pick-up, it was her suggestion and not his, blah, blah, blah. I suggested that the judge was liable to have had about enough of both of their stupidity and that if they couldn't follow a simple CO he didn't really want to hear it.

Furthermore, SS' counselor has repeatedly stressed the need for stability for him; she says he needs structure and consistency. He knows what time his mother picks him up, and now he's going to know that sometimes it can change. Sometimes - he's not going to understand why it's this time anymore than I do - it's a 90 minute practice.

Due to work schedules, I spend a lot more time at home with SS than DH does (I only work part-time, and work from home). And it is almost always me who gets most of the fall-out from visitation weekends; by about 2:00 this afternoon I will have to stop working because SS will wander in and start telling me how he wishes he didn't have to go and he'll be bored and he hopes that no one will yell at him; DH will be blithely off at work.

I told DH last night that I thought this was a horrible idea, given the circumstances, and that when the chickens come home to roost or whatever metaphor one cares to use, he'd best discuss leaving work early on visitation pickup days with his boss. Now that DH has agreed to open the floodgates of tinkering with the CO (again!), that he is going to be the one who is running around throwing up sandbags, and not me.

Sorry for my long rant. I don't know if it's me or not. I just do not understand why DH keeps doing the same stupid things over and over and over....


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Upset with DH right now - a rant

Wait, I am a bit confused. So you didn't think BM was going to take SS to practice, but you did think she would pick him up at the stated normal time, right?

And now DH has told her she can pick him up AFTER practice, which I am assuming means YOU will have to drive him to practice, and drive him home and then BM will get him?

Just making sure I understand.

I totally 100% agree with you that if DH is going to make changes to the schedule--HE needs to be around to deal with them and the potential fallout. It is unfair of him to make the changes, but then expect you to sit around and deal with them.

Ditto on the fact that the judge may throw his hands up in the air, too. If DH wants a set schedule and times SO badly, but then constantly disregards it, then it's obvious (to a court) that it's not *that* important to him.

Reminds me of a friend of mine--she has two boys with her ex. A six year old and a three year old. Never married to the ex, and the second boy was conceived during a brief reconciliation, and then they broke up not long after.

The ex is a shady character---was into drugs/drinking for awhile there, and my friend, who is totally on the straight and narrow, working full-time in addition to majoring in Molecular Biology, didn't like having her boys go over to his place.

BUT--she was in a bind all the time, needed him to help with the boys while she worked or was in class, and she would still let him keep the boys. THEN she would complain to her attorney that the boys weren't safe with their dad.

Her attorney finally said---LOOK, if you do not think they're safe and you want me to pursue that avenue in this custody battle, then STOP sending your kids over there. You lose credibility when you tell the judge the kids are not safe but send them there anyway!

He had a point.

This was three years ago, and the dad ended up cleaning up his life and the two of them now share joint custody.

Same kinda situation, though. When your DH changes things, he loses credibility.

Just want to make sure I am understanding.


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RE: Upset with DH right now - a rant

Lovehadley, correct. In this particular case, I don't mind driving him to practice because I didn't have anything I had planned for this evening anyway, and he is really enjoying soccer. What I'm really upset about is DH agreeing to just let the CO go so easily.

He says it's "only one time"; I say BS. He promised in May that he was not going to start giving in and allowing late pick-ups, last minute changes, rescheduling for no-shows, early returns, and all the other crap we all went through before. This is still the temporary order and it's already getting changed.

I'm frustrated that after seven years of the same exact thing happening, over and over and over, he is still following her down the same dysfunctional path. I'm angry about the effect that this is going to have on my schedule; it's going to get to the point (again) where I may as well just not even try to work Fridays and Mondays on either side of visitation because SS deals so badly with it already and inconsistency just makes it so much worse, and because BM is (again) going to view this as a license to show up if and when she chooses. And I am furious that DH has decided that a two hour, last minute schedule change is just fine and dandy, despite the counselor's repeatedly stressing consistency.

I've spent all summer working with SS, trying to keep everything stable, orderly, routine, and consistent as possible. And this is not my nature so it's been difficult for me at times, but that's what SS needs and I am the one who's at home during the day so I'm the one doing most of it. And I feel like all that we've accomplished this summer is just going to get thrown away because DH is apparently incapable of saying No to his ex.


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RE: Upset with DH right now - a rant

" because BM is (again) going to view this as a license to show up if and when she chooses. "

I think this is the real problem. There are some people--MOST, in fact--who can be flexible when necessary and don't take advantage.

If this were any normal co-parenting situation, with two reasonably rational adults, changing times wouldn't be a big deal.

BUt given the history with BM, and the fact that the schedule and times are IRON CLAD in court for a reason, it is silly of DH to throw that out the window.

What's even worse is the fact that, ultimately, you are the one bearing the brunt of the changes.

He is giving BM an inch here but we all know she's gonna take a mile.


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Update - Lawyer said no

I think DH was thinking that he was doing what was best for SS (making sure that he got to practice); I was thinking he was doing what was worst for SS (throwing away a little bit of much-needed consistency).

At any rate, DH just let me know that he decided to check with his attorney. The attorney said if he's not going to be willing to allow a couple of hours variation here and there on an ongoing basis, not to allow it this time either. He said for DH to tell BM regular pick-up time, and then it's up to her to take him to practice or not as she chooses. So DH will tell her it's going to be regular pick-up time (or not; it sounded like she was awfully eager to change the time so it may end up a cancellation or unagreed late pick-up after all).

I feel this huge sense of relief.


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RE: Upset with DH right now - a rant

Good!

I think your DH is similar to mine in that he will avoid confontation and does things because he *thinks* it's in his son's best interest.

He doesn't want his son to miss practice, which is understandable. So I can see how he would think to himself "it's easier to give BM the flexibility so that WE can make sure SS gets to practice."

But what he needs to do is keep to the schedule and let the backlash fall on BM. It's HER time and if she doesn't choose to take SS to practice, that's on HER.

It reminds me of the Halloween cupcake issue with my SS's BM. She volunteered, like at the beginning of the school year, to bring the cupcakes to the class party.

On the day of--with a couple hours notice--she tells DH she cannot do it---pretty sure $$$ was the reason--and could he (me) do it?

And, of course, DH was busy at work, but didn't want SS to suffer---knew he would be upset with no cupcakes--so DH said "Sure, Love will get them."

It's one of those tough situations where these dads WANT their children to be happy, so much so that they will allow these crazy exes to walk all over them, use and abuse them.

I'm glad your DH talked to his attorney and changed his mind.


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RE: Upset with DH right now - a rant

"But what he needs to do is keep to the schedule and let the backlash fall on BM. It's HER time and if she doesn't choose to take SS to practice, that's on HER. "

That's what the attorney said! Not that SS is probably expecting her to take him to practice any more than we are.

It's kind of funny because the kids aren't going to remember who was supposed to do things or who promised to do them - they'll remember who showed up with the cupcakes, and who took them to practice. All those "I would have" and "I was going to" might work on adults but the kids remember who is standing there holding cupcakes. :)


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