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BM reported to DSS

Posted by Amber3902 (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 2, 11 at 8:42

So in my previous post I mentioned how my BF's BM and BM's mom bicker back and forth.

Well, this past weekend they got into a fight via texts and it ended with the grandma reporting BM to DSS. Grandma told DSS that BM sleeps around with a lot of guys, does drugs, and talks mean to her son.
(Grandma's grandson)
So last night BF tells me he talked to BM and she told him she got a card on her door from DSS and they want to meet with her, BF, and their son this Wednesday.

I don't know what's going to happen. Does anyone know what happens when someone is reported to DSS and how serious does the abuse have to be before they'll take a child away?
I don't know how to feel about this. I don't want the kid to be verbally abused, but I don't think that's the case here. I think grandma is making mountains out of molehills.

The other thing is the drug situation. My BF occasionally smokes weed. Grandma told DSS that BM does drugs, so I'm guessing they'll do a drug test on her. So if she comes up positive for drugs, will they go on to test BF? If he comes up positive for drugs, then what?

BF is panicking that if BM tests positive for drugs and he does as well, they're going to put his son in a foster home. I told BF that I think they would send his son to his grandma before they send him to a foster home. My BF snapped, We can't assume that! I've assumed things before about custody before and it didn't happen the way you think it should so we can't assume anything!

I said I wasn't assuming anything, but seems common sense the state would rather the kid go to next of kin instead of paying for foster care. But he didn't want to hear that.

I told him he gets so touchy whenever we get on the subject of custody. I asked him what happened to him in the past to make him get so upset over the subject of custody. He got even more touchy, said he couldn't remember exactly what happened but he knows that when he was in court with BM over custody that he would think things would be a certain way and come to find out that wasn�t the way it happened.

I don't understand what traumatic event happened in the custody case that gets him so upset when this subject is talked about. Custody and talking about his son's behavior are the only things he gets touchy about and I don't understand why it sets him off.

I find it fishy that he can't "remember" what happened in his own son's custody case. To get so upset over it but can't remember what happened makes me wonder if he's not telling me the whole truth about his custody case.

I was searching online court records and I found his court case. It was filed in 2006, but it kept getting rescheduled until finally they went to court in Nov 2010. He told me that he started the case, but he's listed as the defendant, so doesn't that mean BM took him to court? Should I try and get the court records? If he's hiding something from me I want to find out now before I move in with him.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: BM reported to DSS

As far as the instant foster home, likely not. Usually if there is a safe stable family member willing and able (at least while they investigate) the child can be placed in that home. I had my DH's niece when her mother was arrested for child endangerment but that was many years ago.

I understand your concerns about wanting to know exactly what transpired between BM and BF. If me, I would not uproot and move my girls in with a guy I thought I perhaps could not trust (not going to get into the weed thing, but personally I would not move my young daughters into a home with drugs either, even if lots don't consider weed in the 'real drug' catagory...just my 2 cents)

I have a hunch what this Gma might be going for here is custody of the child perhaps guardship. Not necessarily a 'bad' thing on her part. Child need stale responsible adults, it's really not going to be solely based on just abuse on at least temporary rulings.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Yeah, something does not add up. I wouldn't say he gets angry or loses his temper, but he definitely gets worked up whenever I ask him things about his custody case.
To get this upset whenever the subject of custody is discussed, something must have happened in the past to trigger such a reaction. But when I ask him what happened in his son's custody case he says he can't remember any thing specifically.

I'm like, come on, you don't remember what happened in your own son's case? I know you may not remember every single little detail, but you keep harping how you can�t assume what's going to happen in family court because of what happened to you, but then you can't give me one example of how it happened to you?

RE: BM reported to DSS

BF needs to stop doing drugs. Can't believe he complains about bm and then here we are learning more about BF and what a 'great' parent he is.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I'm with myfampg on this one. I'm against all drugs whether they be "real" drugs or not. It's illegal period. He needs to stop doing them...... I don't think him having custody is such a great idea now. Maybe Grandma really is this kids best chance.

RE: BM reported to DSS

please do not move in with him.

i also suggest you might want to end a relationship all together before you get mixed up in this and lose custody of your children because your live-in BF smokes weed.

if your kids find out (and they will one day) and tell their dad (if he is in the picture) you will lose custody and they will go live with dad. not worth losing your kids over a man. SS is the least of your problems

RE: BM reported to DSS

Thanks girls. He never smokes around me or the girls, but it is something I will think about.

For my own peace of mind, I went down to the court today after work and read his custody case. Everything was pretty much as he said, the only thing said in the case that he failed to mention to me was that after him and BM broke up, they got back together for about a year and then broke up again. But I did not find anything bad in the case.

So at least I know he wasn't hiding anything from me. This does not mean I'm saying everything is okay. I still have to determine if this move is the best thing for me and my girls.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Amber, it really wouldn't matter to me whether he did it around me and my kids or not. I told my dh from the beginning that drugs were off limits period. The kids could still find out he does it... then when or if they try them, how can you discipline them? I don't really see how you can... cause you are ok with bf.

I'm really suprised you could just go down to the court house and read that. Were BF and BM married? In my state if it's a juvenile paternity case (never married) then they are completely confidential. No one gets any info from anyone unless they are bm or bd. This just really suprises me that you could do this.

RE: BM reported to DSS

before I got guardianship of my grandson, his BM was doing drugs & CPS knew. It wasn't enough to remove him from her care. Guardianship was eventually given to me after she left him alone in her apartment with a guy she had spending the night & was in a car accident while driving drunk. Even then, I had to bring it up in the guardianship court, CPS did not step in. (I was also given guardianship because he BM admitted she did not want to be the full time parent because it interfered with her life.)

RE: BM reported to DSS

WOW Ima! GS BM sounds like my ss bm. Kids interfering with their lives and all. Some people really should have to have a license to have a kid.

RE: BM reported to DSS

"I'm really suprised you could just go down to the court house and read that. Were BF and BM married? In my state if it's a juvenile paternity case (never married) then they are completely confidential."
You can look the case number up online. I called the court house, asked them if I could view the file and they said yes. I went down to the court house and read all the affidavits and everything. BF and BM were never married and I'm in South Carolina.

Yeah, I was kinda surprized they didn't give me a hard time either. But it was simple. I just told them the case number and the clerk went and got it. You had to sit at a desk and read the file, though, you could not take it with you or make copies of anything.

"before I got guardianship of my grandson, his BM was doing drugs & CPS knew. It wasn't enough to remove him from her care." imamommy, - that is a shame.

RE: BM reported to DSS

In my experience, not personally but reading and hearing and knowing people, drugs really aren't an issue until someone gets hurt. Neglect is hard to prove until it goes on and on and is documented. It's such a shame for sure.
Before my ex's wife attacked me and was arrested, she threatened me. I tried getting help and no one would help me. I looked like the jealous ex wife that didn't want my daughter raised by another woman. When she did attack me and hurt my daughter, I told every single person that told me I was being too anxious or making a mountain out of a mole hill, NOW what is your excuse? Will you help me now? When the judge ordered the PO, she apologized for not protecting me based on the threats but the legal system doesn't provide for 'what if's.' you can't prosecute until a crime is committed and I get that but come on! How long does someone, especially children have to suffer before something is DONE.

Weed in my book is not all that bad, but in my house, it would not be tolerated. If my husband could not pass a drug test, he would no longer be my husband. If this was my BF freaked out over a possible drug test, he would no longer be around my kids. Do you want your parental rights in question because of who you associate with? Because if BF fails a drug test and his household is under investigation, you and your children would be drug into it even if you have never been around him.

I know that marijuana is one of those drugs that some people don't think is 'bad'. A lot of people think it should be legal. However, it is not. And until it is, it is still an illegal substance. I have been told by people that they don't really feel the effects or it just mellows them out, well ... I've seen a close friend of mine mellowed out enough that I don't think she could drive or function much less care for a child while under that influence. Just need to protect yourself and your girls.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I asked BF the last time he smoked weed, he said a couple of days ago, and before a couple of weeks ago.
I have fibromyagia and I've smoked it before myself to help with my back pain.

Now I don't know what to think. He always does it outside the house, like in the back yard, but I get what you guys are saying about it being illegal. I don't have to worry about my ex trying to get custody of my kids, one of the reasons I divorced him was because he never spent any time with me or the kids. He didn't even fight me on custody, and I even had to push him to spend time with the girls.

My girlfriend was concerned about my BF's drug use as well. But then my BF told me once they were at a party together and she was smoking weed herself, so now I don't know what to think. And my girlfriend has kids herself as well. I've seen lawyers smoke weed, my BF's boss smoke weed on the boat with his teenage daughter on the boat.

I need ya'll to be honest with me. You guys are saying I could lose custody of my kids because I'm living with someone that occasionally smokes weed? Now I am really scared and worried.

RE: BM reported to DSS

You aren't going to lose your kids because your BF smokes marijuana. If that were the case, there wouldn't be a kid in Eugene, Humbolt, or Maui that wasn't in foster care. They don't take kids away just because a parent puffs a little. They barely take kids away when the parents are beating and neglecting them.

I think alcohol is much more dangerous. Did you know that not one person has died as a direct result of smoking pot? Law enforcement knows that potheads are not usually the child abusers, alcoholics are.

Unless your BF is doing other things that are illegal, I wouldn't worry too much about it if you are ok with it.

I don't know where you live, but here in California it's legal with a prescription. Since that happened there aren't a bunch of cases of people injuring themselves or others due to inebriation on pot. It's pretty much the same as it has been.

Reasons to be concerned about drug or alcohol use:
1. The person has to do it every day
2. The person is using money that is needed for the family for their substance instead.
3. The person is hanging out with dangerous people.
4. The person is doing it in front of the children.
5. The personality changes and you don't like the change.

I know, personally, over 100 people who smoke pot. Some regularly, some irregularly. I personally do not feel pot is dangerous. If anyone is interested in looking up the history of cannabis they'll find a bunch of big business was very interested in it becoming illegal, namely the cotton industry, the tobacco industry and the pharmaceutics industry. Thomas Jefferson grew hemp. Marijuana used to be used as currency in the US. It is a very valuable plant, both hemp and marijuana. My great grandmother used to give children strong doses of marijuana, she was a highly regarded midwife. She would ride many miles by horseback to deliver babies in the wilderness of the west and she never lost a mother or a child. Marijuana was one of her strongest medicines.

So yes, it's illegal right now. But I don't think it will be for long. "Reefer madness" has gone on long enough. Yes it's a drug. But I'd really be more worried about the legal drugs people take, like Oxycontin. That stuff is a narcotic, is horribly addictive and can really mess up your body. And, like Vicodin, it's readily available and tons of people are on it and think nothing of it because it's "legal".

Our state, at least, doesn't have the money to be prosecuting the person who smokes a little for personal enjoyment.

I wouldn't worry. PS, just because a mother tells the cops that her widdle baby boy is being mistweated by his nasty evil ex wife the druggie it doesn't mean they will drug test anyone. There has to be reasonable cause. The cops can't just make you pee in a cup for nothing. I'm sure they've heard this story a million times before, and they have to notify CSS, who will come out and see if the home is stable. If it is, no problem. If there's a crack pipe on the table in the hall, there might be issues.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Thanks, Silver, I feel a little better. And you make a very good point that there are plenty of "legal" drugs that get abused. Like you said, it's only an issue if my BF starts spending a lot of money on it or doing it every day or in front of the kids.

I've talked to my girl friend about this. She thinks I should dump him because of the weed. For me, the whole drama between the grandma and BM is more of an issue to me. I know he can't control BM or the grandma, but he does not remove himself from the situation. He also lets his son get put in the middle. The whole movie situation could have been avoided if he had stood up and said to his son "We already have plans" or at least say that BM needs to make the decision. It's like no one lets the BM make decisions for her own son, everyone is letting the son make decisions for himself. Then BF gets mad because he thinks his son would rather be with his grandma instead of him.

I know I had some drama in my life with my own divorce that BF helped me through, but my drama is over. I have two daughters that need me. I can't be worrying that BF's son is going to go to some foster home because of some drama that his grandma stirred up. Or that grandma gets custody of son and then BF is complaining how far he has to drive to pick his son up. (grandma lives even further away than BM does) And all this drama happened because BM and grandma got into some stupid text argument and grandma goes and reports the BM to DSS.

What I'm thinking of doing is telling BF I need more time before I move in with him, at least another six months to a year. It's not because of his son, it's because of the drama that he allows to go on with his son's grandma.

Do you think that's fair?

RE: BM reported to DSS

It's an issue if you think it's an issue or if it's affecting the children or your livelihood. For me, personally, marijuana would not be an issue unless it was really out of hand. Tobacco is legal and has killed millions more children and adults through second hand smoke- marijuana hasn't killed anyone.

But I think that's a side issue. Unfortunately the BF has a mom who gets involved in his life. You've seen what she does to his ex-spouses when she's mad at them. Do you want to be the next victim of mama?

Do I think it's fair? To whom? To your daughters? YES. To your BF? Who cares? Anyone who cared about you would be worried that it's fair or not, they'd want you to be comfortable. To his mother? To you?

I don't really believe in "fair" honestly. Fair is a stupid word. Life isn't fair. Even if you get equal parts of the candy bar, you're gonna drop yours in the dust. That's not fair. Then you're gonna have to throw it away and I'm gonna have to share my half. That's not fair either. What's super not fair is that later you'll find out that I ALREADY had a candy bar today. So I should have just given you my half. Except that still wouldn't be fair cause I'd have already eaten a whole. Then you're behind me by half, plus now I didn't get my fair share, which isn't particularly fair either.

Fair sucks.

My neighbor got a piece of lawn furniture stolen from her front yard last week. Her dd5 was telling me about it the other day as we stood in our respective driveways. I told her what I would tell my DD9. "I'm sure sorry someone took something from you. It's horrible when someone takes something that isn't theirs, isn't it? That makes me sad that you don't have it anymore. I don't think it's a good idea to take something from someone elses yard, do you?"

Or something like that. Basically I was letting her experience clearly that stealing doesn't work.

Her mom jumped in and said "It's not fair, is it?!" to her daughter. Hmmmmmmmmmm...... fair. It's not fair.

Well, it's not fair that you have that lawn furniture and they didn't either. Sure it's not fair. LIFE ISN'T FAIR.

But people will steal and lie and cheat and do bad things, regardless of fair.

Who are you trying to be fair to? Are they being fair to you?

I'd work on being respectful and considerate instead of fair. If you can do those things, people will feel you are treating them well. I think that's all you can hope for.

RE: BM reported to DSS

LOL, Silver, when I said do you think this is fair what I meant to say is "what do you think?" or "do you think this is a good idea?"

RE: BM reported to DSS

Ok. Rant over ;)

I think that's the best idea. Yes.

In my defense, a lot of women come on here and feel like they "owe" their bf something or feel guilty for standing up for themselves. That's what I was reacting to.

If you say it's because of grandma, prepare for her son to get defensive of his mother.

RE: BM reported to DSS

It doesn't really matter how we personally feel about alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc It doesn't matter if we think weed does not cause problems etc In cases like this what matters is the law. If I am randomly tested and marijuana is found I am at risk for losing my job even if I personally think it is OK (I don't, but hypothetically) or if I have a prescription. It won't help me if I give a speech of how I think it is not a big deal or that i think alcohol is even worse. No one would care what i think. Also appears that BF smokes it every few days, so it is not once in awhile kind of thing.

I personally know plenty of decent people who smoke weed and had a relative who died of drug abuse, great person. But personally if I faced with a choice of bringing my minor child to live in a household where regular weed smoking takes place, no, I wouldn't do it. Even if you feel it is OK from a moral stand point, it is against the law and you will be liable as well as him. And like i said before if kids have a father, he'll have issues with it. I would have huge issues if ex moved in with someone who regularly smokes weed.

Also Amber he does not smoke around you or kids because you don't live together, when you move in together, he will.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Silver - I understand how you feel, no worries. My main concern is my girls, and then myself.

One clarification that I missed before: this is not BF's mom. This is the BM's mom that is causing all the problems.

BM and her mother are the ones that are constantly fighting. And ya know, I just thought about it, if the grandma was so concerned about her grandson's safety she wouldn't wait until she got into a fight with her daughter to report her to DSS.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Oh... well, that's a little better then. Thank you for clarifying Amber.

There is something to be said for standards. What standards are acceptable for you and your household?

Remember that marijuana is metabolized by fat, so it takes 30+ days to get out of the system. Cocaine, meth, heroin, etc. all are metabolized much quicker. My point is that if someone smokes pot, a month later they can still test dirty.

Also, you can't control your BF's XW's BM. None of us can. So don't judge him based on her, it's not fair. :)

RE: BM reported to DSS

Whether weed is an issue based non being a 'drug' or not, I think one flag for me would be having spare money nfor what appears to be recreational 'entertainment' (casual weed usage) but had to ask for decrease in CS. Priorities might be something to stop and think about...see nay other areas that BF self indulges that perhaps could have been put to better usage aka CS for his child?

I'm a bit confused as to why Amber sees no big deal or untruths in the custody/court file. BF told you lady took off and dumped nkid with her mother and it took him two years to gather up nthe money to seek visitation blah blah. But now you find out that they actually were back together for a year during this period. Was kid still dumped during this period with Gma but instead of just by BM by both parents?

RE: BM reported to DSS

I can't believe it but I agree with PO1 here.

JMT... you really looked into that statment... I LOVE IT!! It's so true. Priorities are a MUST and people who can't afford their child can't afford drugs. IMO! Also, that's a very good point about the kid being dumped by both parents. Was he? That's just wrong. I feel really bad for this poor kid.

RE: BM reported to DSS

BF sounds fishy, he is just covering for himself, lying? good point JMT, he went to court to reduce CS yet can afford to smoke weed..I don't know, he does not sound like a good role model for young kids. LOL momof3, we agree on something

RE: BM reported to DSS

Yeah, thinking over what I read and what BF has told me, I think BF was smoking so much weed at the time he doesn't remember clearly what happened.

The court documents say they broke up in 2002 and BM moved out. However, since the kid was in daycare close by BF, he stayed in that daycare and BF would pick him every day after work around 4p or so and care for him until his mom picked him up around 6:30p. And BF would have him every other weekend as well. I remember BF telling me he would take his son every day to the mall after work. And that does not jive with his story that he did not see his son for two years.

Anyway, this schedule went on until 2004 when they got back together. They were together for about a year and then broke up again. The date she moved out for the second time is the same as the date BF told me. BM did state that BF was giving her $400 a month to care for their son. There were several affidavits from people that stated BF made sure that his son had everything he needed, changed diapers, fed him, bathed him etc.

The affidavit from BM's mother said that BF and BM fought a lot, broke up and got back together a lot. She said at one time her grandson stayed with her for a month. Nothing about BM not letting BF see his son, however.

The custody case was filed in 2006, and BF said he was filing the case because BM was keeping him from seeing his son. A whole bunch of stuff was filed in 2006, then there was nothing for a long time. In June 2010 there were some notes about getting financial statements and then the final court order was filed Nov 2010 and finialized the current visitation schedule of every Wednesday and every other weekend.

BF said he used to smoke a lot of weed, but cut back a lot. Yeah, I don't live with him, so I don't know how much weed he's smoking. But I'd like to give him a chance to show that he can become a better person. Giving it some more time before I move in will help me see which way he's going to go.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I think what would be a deal breaker for me is that you had to ask him when the last time he smoked was and then to find out it was so recently.

I know that marijuana is not a big deal to some but it could keep him from keeping a job or getting a job. Let's say he gets laid off tomorrow, he has to wait 30 days for his system to clear before he can get a new job if it requires a drug test. I am an accountant and I had to do a drug test and have since done random drug tests. I'm not driving a company vehicle or operating machinery, ok so my 10-key is pretty heavy machinery on most days but really... The file clerks and receptionist have to go through the same thing. And people have been fired for failing those tests.

As a parent, I know I can't do drugs because I know that I could lose my job. I have to have a job to provide for my family. So I don't get why this man can complain so much about whatever, even ask to lower CS but smokes pot recreationally. Priorities...

For the record, I don't think I would do drugs even if I were not a mom. I've never touched an illegal drug or became addicted to a prescription drug. Diet Pepsi is about as strong as I will go. Just wanted to clarify ...

RE: BM reported to DSS

I know in my heart that man who asks to lower his child support yet goes and buys pot is not a man for me. Plus it sends bad message to the kids.

At this point my concern is not even smoking weed because people do quit drinking and smoking but the fact that this was more important than child support. when drugs become more important than children, it is no good. not a man to have aorund your kids.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I agree with everybody.

Seriously, I agree that, as a country, we are incredibly hypocritical with our "War on Drugs" - the one where occasional smoking of pot because of stress is illegal but getting a prescription for Prozac is absolutely fine, the one where DARE officers are telling a classroom full of kids on Ritalin why drugs are bad, the one where I could fail a work drug test because of a joint smoked last weekend but pass despite the fact that my eyeballs are bleeding from last night's hangover.

BUT. I also agree that (in most states) it is illegal. I haven't smoked in probably a decade (gives me a headache), and DH hasn't in years and years either. If DH did, I would consider leaving him. Not because of what he was doing - DH will have the occasional drink; it's almost always only when I'm home too and SS is in bed, or SS is not here at all. I can't imagine that DH would be puffing away in the living room or something! But because it is illegal, and if DH were to willingly and knowingly do illegal things that might result in SS being taken from him and being sent to BM's, no matter how slight that chance might be, I think I'd be gone. We've spent thousands of dollars, and Lord knows how much time to try to protect SS from BM. If DH were to turn around and do something that might hand SS to her on a silver platter that would be the end for me. Same as if DH started buying stolen merchandise to save money, or getting repeated speeding tickets, or fraudulently applying for some kind of benefits. It would indicate to me a complete lack of appreciation of the gravity of the situation.

For most "normal" people I don't really think the infrequent joint on vacation or whatever would necessarily be a deal-breaker on a relationship.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Okay, I get that it is illegal.

So now what do I do? Do I just flip the script on my BF and tell him he has to stop smoking pot when before I didn't have an issue with it?

I'm pretty sure If I told him I really want him to quit he would, it's just I know he's going to say you didn't have a problem with it before.

How do I explain to him why he needs to stop?

RE: BM reported to DSS

Wait, did someone mention pot is illegal? ;)

Amber, it's entirely up to you what you find acceptable. People probably won't change for anyone. It's doubtful that he will stop, he'll probably just start hiding it better. I'd make a list of pros and cons. Write down what you want in a relationship, then compare what you have to what you want.

The 30 days to pee clean is the point I was trying to make. But there are very good methods to fool those tests as well, which he very well may point out.

Mattie, I can see how in your case ANYONE doing ANYTHING that could even slightly be misconstrued would be detrimental to your child custody situation. That's something to consider, for sure.

As for lowering the child support... it's a good idea to look carefully at his priorities. Really, unless he's smoking pounds a year, pot is not that expensive. I think street value here is around $200/oz. That would last a casual smoker months if not a year. Broken down, it's less than a cup of coffee a day.

RE: BM reported to DSS

"If that were the case, there wouldn't be a kid in Eugene, Humbolt, or Maui that wasn't in foster care"

Silver, that made me laugh out loud... so true. (you can add in just about ANY county in Northern CA though)

RE: BM reported to DSS

"So now what do I do? Do I just flip the script on my BF and tell him he has to stop smoking pot when before I didn't have an issue with it?

I'm pretty sure If I told him I really want him to quit he would, it's just I know he's going to say you didn't have a problem with it before.

How do I explain to him why he needs to stop?"

That's naive. People don't stop because you or anyone else tells them to stop, if that was the case there would be no alcoholics or drug addicts. People sometimes do stop but when THEY are ready.

Now how do you tell him? well you can tell him that you don't think it is a good idea to bring your young girls into a household where people smoke pot. now if you think it is all fine and dandy and it really does not bother you and everyone else does it in such and such county then you can just say nothing and leave it at that. everybody is different, depends what's OK for you.

just be prepared for possible consequences, like him losing his job, your daughters' father finding out and throwing a fit, your and his clothes smell like pot, your house smell like pot (I had neighbors and colleagues who smoked and smell WILL get everywhere) , your girls starting smoking pot and saying that if stepdad does why can't they etc just think of what is your deal breaker.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Exactly Ima. Pot is so benign compared to just about any drug, legal or not, and cops know that from experience. The most potentially damaging repercussion from pot is getting arrested for it, which isn't likely to happen if someone is using (not abusing!) in their own home. Most of my friend's parents smoked (tobacco and marijuana) when we were growing up and very few of them smoke as adults. I've never seen someone have to detox when they quit smoking, and they usually lose a bit of weight too. We were constantly monitored by adults under the influence of marijuana and they never lost a kid or had a kid get hurt badly. I thought it was normal for people to light up a joint at a social function.

So I'm in the pro-legal-marijuana camp, as you can see. I don't want anyone smoking around my daughter (or other children) but I personally would rather someone smoke a joint than get drunk or take legal heroin (oh, sorry, I mean pain medications). People have been self-medicating since the dawn of time. Animals self-medicate. Have you ever seen the drunk elephants?

OP, do you have an issue with how he acts when he is stoned? Is he using for recreation or medicinally? Does it affect your finances?

As for your girls starting to smoke because SF does, that is a possibility. Just like an other habits you have (eating/drinking/swearing/manners), how you conduct yourself is contagious. Everyone knows "do as I say and not as I do" doesn't particularly work.

The only question here is "what are you comfortable with". Decide that, tell your man, and listen carefully to his response.

I decided I wanted a certain kind of environment for my DD and I moved, because I don't want her around people who think smoking weed all the time is a viable way of life. I try very hard to let her know that drugs aren't bad, but if they are mis-used they can be very dangerous.

Drugs don't kill people, guns don't kill people.

I won't let a gun in my house and I don't have a swimming pool either. Both are extremely dangerous. I don't see the same danger with pot, but that doesn't mean I think it's cool to light up.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Silver - I don't have an issue with how my BF acts when he�s stoned and so far it has not affected our finances. Even though we don't live together yet, we still make decisions on major purchases together. When my ex wasn't paying child support my BF gave me money to help me with my girls.

What I'm comfoortable with - I'm comfortable with him doing it every once in a while in the backyard.
If my girls see it, etc. so what? They see a lot of bad habits, people smoking, drinking, etc.
Like you, I want them to understand that not all drugs are bad, but if abused they can ruin your life.

BF owns his own business, so losing his job isn't an issue. My ex doesn't care about getting custody of my girls, so that's not an issue either.

RE: BM reported to DSS

There are sooooooo many things wrong with this story now, Amber. A) Your bf helps you with your children financially but asked for lower support payments for his child. B) He owns his own business.... should be able to financially support his son. C) Do you have any idea how aweful it is to see a parent or someone who is supposed to be a role model doing something you know is illegal? Smoking and drinking are legal.... smoking pot is not. I had to be a witness to this growing up. I was always so self conscious and ashamed of it. I was embarrassed. It's such a shame that adults don't think of their children's feelings with these things. It doesn't matter if it's "bad" or not, it's illegal. Period.

RE: BM reported to DSS

He owns his own business, but he has a boss? I'm confused.

Momof3 has a point that putting your children in the position of grappling with legalities isn't the best idea. It's above their pay grade, so to speak. Knowing your parent does illegal things and having to keep secrets isn't good.

I'm confused where everyone is getting the child support info. Maybe on another thread?

Momof3, just because someone owns a business it doesn't mean they are well off.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Sorry, confusing you again.

A) Your bf helps you with your children financially but asked for lower support payments for his child.

BF is a painter/handyman. When the housing market crashed in 2006 his income went down. He filed for court ordered vistation at that time. By the time the case was heard in 2010 they reviewed his income and at that time it was less than what he was making in 2005, so child support went down.

B) He owns his own business.... should be able to financially support his son.

He works as a painter/handyman for himself. Last year he got a job working for someone else, (as handyman/painter) but was laid off in April 2011 so he started working for himself again.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I should also add he never missed paying his child support and what he filed for in 2006 was for child custody/vistation, not to reduce child support.

RE: BM reported to DSS

It's ok. It's hard to get everything out in one post.

What is your biggest concern with moving in with him? BM's mom, SS, BF, the drugs?

You can't change BM or her mom, so decide if these women are normal crazy or psycho crazy. Of course, tolerance to crazy varies person to person.

SS is here to stay, so not much you can do there.

BF is an adult man who seems to know how he wants to live his life. No changing people, just our reactions to them.

So is this situation one that you can see yourself happy in ten years from now?

RE: BM reported to DSS

--"I'm confused where everyone is getting the child support info. Maybe on another thread?"--

I based what I said on the three times (at least)OP stated in the Gparent thread that about a year ago BF took BM to court to get reduced CS. Yes, perhaps it all came out wrong in that thread, but the impression was given that BF one year ago took BM to court for sole reason of reducing CS.

Yeah, it's hard to get all down in a post/thread or two. And we're all been where we find ourselves having to's no biggie. Now we know how it went a bit clearer. It did bother me from what was first said to think a father would 'waste' money while taking BM to court to request a reduction. The ol' priority thing. But Amber has clarified that the court a year ago was not BF trying to get lower CS, but a wrap up of previous hearings.

Amber, only you know this guy. If you think he's Mr. Right, you have three choices 1) continue to date him on a serious level with the goal of bringing the households together 2)decide to date him and leave the kids and 'house' playing out of it or 3)take the plunge this fall when you're lease is up after you have weighed all your concerns and decided this is truly what you want and is in the best interest of all (you, BF and children).

Only you can know exactly what it is you need/want to do. I do think it's fair to admit though that you seem to still have some serious doubts that it might be best you take a bit of time off the romance to think through. Maybe you can have a mini vacation from each other (really nothing more than say don't see or speak for one week or so) so you can think without influences as can he. If you do, be very honest and upfront about why the breather. If he's Mr Right he should be quite willing and understanding that you both must be sure. Bringing households together is so much different than when it's just a couple. Couples have problems and issues to work through too, but the joining of already made families can be realy tough and not something to head into with doubts that BF and you can stand strong together and accept each other.

RE: BM reported to DSS

"What is your biggest concern with moving in with him? BM's mom, SS, BF, the drugs?"

I would have to say my biggest concern that that BF allows himself to get sucked into the drama with BM's mom. So the big issue is the grandma. I realize he can not control her behavior, but he does need to learn how to control the dram and not feed into it.

"So is this situation one that you can see yourself happy in ten years from now?"
Yes, whenever I tell BF I have an issue with something, he works on it. He can admit when he's wrong, I can rely on him. He's generous and caring. My daughter's birthday party was last weekend and he helped out more than my own daughter's father ever did. We have the same religious and political views. BF puts my needs ahead of his own. The only thing is he is a little lax in the parenting department, but he is getting better there too.

"It did bother me from what was first said to think a father would 'waste' money while taking BM to court to request a reduction. The ol' priority thing. But Amber has clarified that the court a year ago was not BF trying to get lower CS, but a wrap up of previous hearings."
Yes, that's it. Sorry, it is hard to explain everything in one post, plus what I first explained at first was what BF had told me. I just learned the actual facts from the case just a couple of days ago, which are a little different from what BF has told me. But I think he was smoking so much weed back then that he really doesn't remember what actually happened.

I have been doing some serious thinking these past few days, and have indeed taken sort of a "mini break" from my BF to think things through. Talking to you girls and my best friend has gotten me thinking about things.

I think we can make it. I can talk to BF and tell him what's brothering me and he can take constructive criticism. Just the other day I told him I was concerned if me and my girls move in, that they are going to resent the fact that BF's son is not made to pick up his room but they have to. The next day I got a text picture, it was a picture of BF's son room, all picked up. And tonight when I went over there, BF was making sure that his son was picking up after himself.

But, I am going to have a talk with BF about how I do not like hearing him complain about the grandma, how he doesn't like that she gets more time than him, etc. I'm going to tell him if he wants to get more time with his son he needs to go through court. And I will support him.

And that while I don't have a problem with him smoking weed, if he is serious about getting custody of his son, he needs to stop smoking. If he really thinks BM is such a terrible mom, he needs to stop complaining about it and do something about it. He even said once that he could try and get custody of his son if he said BM was doing drugs, but that would mean he would have to stop smoking as well, and he said that's why he couldn't call DSS on BM. I need to call him out on that.

If he was really concerned about BM doing drugs, then he needs to stop doing drugs himself and get custody of his son.
If he is REALLY concerned that BM is a bad mom, he needs to do something about it, or STOP complaining to me about it!!

RE: BM reported to DSS

"If my girls see it, etc. so what? They see a lot of bad habits, people smoking, drinking, etc." Yeah I used to smoke (cigarettes) and fortunately quit, DD surely saw me smoke, I wish I never smoked, can't change that. But I still think it is different, cigarettes didn't make me high/stoned and aren't against the law. I don't see how is it "so what?" to do illegal stuff in front of one's kids.

RE: BM reported to DSS

When I smoked cigarettes I was incredibly careful not to let DD ever see me because I didn't want her to be influenced by my bad habits. I personally think smoking anything around children is wrong.

When my DD had drug awareness education in school last year they taught them that alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana, pharmaceuticals etc. were all drugs and were all harmful to their bodies.

The difference is that people who smoke cigarettes and pop valiums can say "but it's legal".

Who cares that it's also one of the top ten deadly drugs?

According to a study published this month in The Lancet, alcohol and tobacco rank among the ten most dangerous substances used by humans. Both alcohol and tobacco have been assessed to be more dangerous than illegal drugs like marijuana or ecstasy.

The following three factors were considered in ranking the harmfulness of each drug that was evaluated:

Physical harm to the user
Addictive potential of the drug
The drug's overall impact on society
Psychiatrists who specialize in treating addictive behavior and legal or police officials with scientific or medical expertise were asked to assign a score to each of the three factors listed above for each drug that was evaluated in this study. All told, 20 different drugs were evaluated, including cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, amphetamines, and LSD.

Ranked from most to least dangerous, the ten most dangerous substances were deemed to be:

Heroin - popular street names include smack, skag, and junk.
Cocaine - often referred to as snow, flake, coke, and blow.
Barbiturates - popular slang names include yellow jackets, reds, blues, Amy's, and rainbows.
Street Methadone
Ketamine - a powerful hallucinogen, often referred to as Special K.
Benzodiazepines - a family of sedative drugs.
Amphetamines - known as greenies among baseball players.
Buprenorphine - also called bupe or subbies.

It is estimated that tobacco causes 40 percent of all hospital illnesses, while alcohol is involved in more than 50 percent of all visits to hospital emergency rooms. In light of these statistics, the authors of this study question why alcohol and tobacco are legal to use within current drug policies for Britain and the United States, while less harmful drugs like ecstasy and LSD are deemed illegal to use.

The bottom line: alcohol and tobacco are two of the most dangerous substances that you can expose yourself to on a regular basis. In terms of overall potential to cause harm, if used regularly, alcohol and tobacco belong in the same category as other recreational drugs like cocaine and heroin.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I was careful too, didn't smoke in DD's face or her presence either but DD knew we used to smoke. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Both I and ex took up smoking during divorce dealing with stress, both quit same time (after second attempt). Thanks G_d. I am glad I don't smoke anymore. DD is glad we don't smoke too.

I think that difference is not just the fact that tobacco is legal while drugs are not, but also the effect it produces. OP's BF smoked pot so much at the time of custody battle that does not even remember what happened (according to OP), that's pretty bad.

No matter how many cigarettes a day I smoked I clearly remembered what happened to me at any point in my life LOL

What if he had a kid at the time and a kid ran across the street and he would not even remember where the kid went? Wouldn't help to say "oh oopsy smoked too much pot don't know where my kid is, but tobacco is even worse and drinking is bad too". HMM would not be very helpful....

I agree excessive drinking is very bad especially in front of the kids. It would be as bad for BF to drink a bottle of vodka in a backyard as smoke pot. But OP never mentioned neither tobacco nor alcohol. The issue was pot.

He smokes pot on a regular basis, OP thinks "so what her kids see". OK then. I'd have hard time with that.

Some random dude smokes pot in a backyard OF MY HOME and DD watching, don't know about that. Wouldn't work. And my ex would be after me, he'd sue for custody for sure. And my parents and ex in-laws would be on my case 24/7. But if OP thinks it is OK and kids' dad does not care, then what can we do.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Relax, PO1. I would not either, but neither you or I can tell someone else how to do things or how to raise their children. I do know in parts of my state they are now considering handing out basically 'tickets' (like speeding tickets) for small amounts of weed. Seems small amounts are clogging up court systems and draining county budgets.

It is the 'illegal' part that is the issue for most people I think. Floating through stop signs is illegal too, but many turn a 'meh' attitude towards the 'little' things...ranks right up there for some like 'little white lies'. We don't get to tell people how to live life or what to take as 'serious' and what to roll off as 'meh'.

This is someone else's decision for themselves and whopping the sticks out and beating the horse because someone lives differently than you do and/or does not agree with you/me/the next poster is pretty useless. We get it, you would not allow it.

For me, not only is it the 'illegal' part, but it's also IMO teaching impressionable aged children the idea that we get to pick and choose what laws we want to follow and which ones we think are silly or unbalanced and are 'ok' to break. My two cents on the topic.

Watching a drunk walk out of the bar and stubble to is car is more fearful for me than catching a sniff of joint being smoked in a neighbors back yard flaoting over my fence line. One is illegal, the other could cause the death of an inncocent bystander.

Harping at Amber about how you live and what you think is not going to make her BF change his ways. We've all told her what and why we think this or that...but bottomline, we are not raising her children, moving in with her BF or living her life. So why keep beating the horse which is by now deceased already.

I don't think she really meant it's perfectly ok if her kids see BF falling down stoned outta his mind and handing her kid a joint to share. I got more the impression that the real heavier usage is in the past and that now he smokes more like a single joint or two causally sitting out side under a tree in the evening (for what seems to him) for relaxation. It's not my cup of tea so to say either, but debating the harmfulness of one illegal vs one legal here is basically fruitless. As Silver has pointed out tobacco and alcohol are far worse for one's health (and the possible safety of others around us) than what the guy is doing. One illegal, the other two not.

RE: BM reported to DSS

I missed most of the responses to this had to go back and read them again .... by the way "some" of you are overreacting you would think he was speedballing while hammered doing 110 down the highway with his kids in the car.

I don't condone smoking whatever but geezus .... I would rather have someone with the munchies around my kids than a belligerant drunk or someone who might steal everything not nailed down to sell it for drugs.

Nothing wrong with my hubby but he doesn't remember every little detail like I do ... maybe her bf is too embarassed to tell her what really went on either way ... as JMT said ... just because a bunch of SM's said it was bad doesn't mean her BF is going to say ... oh well if they thinks its bad maybe I should stop ....

more important things to worry about.

Sidenote: BM called DSS every 6 months for almost 5 years before a judge told her ... to let it go or go to jail. :)

RE: BM reported to DSS

"I don't think she really meant it's perfectly ok if her kids see BF falling down stoned outta his mind and handing her kid a joint to share. I got more the impression that the real heavier usage is in the past and that now he smokes more like a single joint or two causally sitting out side under a tree in the evening (for what seems to him) for relaxation."

Yes, JMT, that's exactly it. BF told me he used to smoke a lot of weed years ago, and he's cut back a lot, now it's like maybe once every week or two. I AM going to bring to my BF's attention the fact that if he is serious about getting custody of his kid he needs to think about how his smoking weed could affect that. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum, but he needs to think about whether he really wants to get custody of his son, even if that means giving up smoking weed.

"maybe her bf is too embarassed to tell her what really went on either way" that's another possibility I didn't think of either and quite possibility could be true as well.

RE: BM reported to DSS

My DH doesn't like talking about his ex-wife and doesn't want to remember, and he doesn't smoke pot :) He has often said "I don't remember" when I ask questions about her/them/etc. I gradually realized he WISHES he couldn't remember. LOL.

It's always important to weigh out our habits against what we want to accomplish. Want tight thighs? Give up the chocolate cake and start walking :)

RE: BM reported to DSS

Just because I'm being nosy (LOL), did BF and BM meet with DSS this week? It seemed strange to me that if DDS wanted BF to attend a meeting that they themselves (not BM) would be the ones to inform BF...or just show up at his door. Actually how would DDS even be sure if they wanted to meet with BF that BM would bother to give him the message? IDK but sounds a bit out of procedure to me.

I will assume a caseworker got the assignment after Gma called and went to do a home check on BM and left a note on her door when she was not home/answering the door when caseworker was there and BM was to contact the office or something along those lines. It seems a bit careless to me that a caseworker would just leave a note and to include the BF. If there were a complaint against BF the caseworker would come beating on his door, not leave it up to BM to pass along a message.

So anyway...did they all meet?

RE: BM reported to DSS

Yes, they did meet with DSS last Wednesday. I'm not sure why DSS wanted to meet with both mother and father, but they asked that both mother and father and son all meet with the caseworker at the DSS office.

Anyway, when they got there, the son (I'll call him E so it's less confusing) E said "OH I've been here before! And BM said, all cool like "Really? with who?" And E pipes up "with Grandma!" So now BM knows it was her own mom that reported her to DSS. My BF said BM was fuming but had to keep it under control. So the DSS caseworker met with all of them, and then meet with each person individually.

Ahead of time, BF did not coach E on what to say, only to tell the truth. E said he did not want to get his mom in trouble. So when BF meet with the caseworker he tried to give him as much dirt as possible on BM. He said years ago BM's dad had her committed to a mental institution, and that a couple of times in the past year or so she had left E home alone. The caseworker asked BF if he had a police report on the times that E was left home alone. BF said no because by the time the police got to E's home, he was at a friend's house and they said they were watching him.

BM will have to schedule a time to take a drug test, which is pretty ridiclous to me, why let someone know ahead of time that they're going to take a drug test so they can prepare for it and get clean? Eventually there will be a court date. But they didn't take E away, so it doesn't sound to me like much is going to happen.

RE: BM reported to DSS

That's kind of sad. Her dad committed her to a mental institution, her mom reported her to DSS and her son's father is trying to give caseworkers all the dirt on her.

Not saying it's not justified. It's just sad.

I personally think the less the government is involved in the raising of my kids the better.

RE: BM reported to DSS

unless they gave more than 30 days notice, you can't get clean from pot, it will still show, I don't know if she does other drugs.

as crazy as grandparents might be they seem to be the only ones truly concerned about the welfare of a poor kid. BF gave dirt on her in hopes to get SS?

the whole story sounds like i would not want to be a part of that...i'd run and run fast

RE: BM reported to DSS

There are so many products that will clean your system from pot. A person who does drugs given any kind of notice can pass a drug test.

Who knows what the grandparents agenda is?

But I agree, it sounds like this situation needs careful analysis and you should move slowly.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Was BM actually told to 'schedule' a time for a later day at her chosing? Or is it possible you misunderstood the timing of it? If she was told to go out to the desk and 'schedule' for a drug test, that first screening may have been within a couple of hours of leaving the meeting with the caseworker. They can also order random testing on an ongoing basis. Yes, there are such things as 'traveling labs'. No idea what and how your state does things or to what extent they do inital screenings...she may have to do more than fill a bit in a cup.

Keep in mind that while BF may have felt good to get a turn to spill what he knows on 'dirt' of BM, she also had her alone time with caseworker. She may have spilled a bit of 'dirt' herself but on BF. Just something to keep in mind. Bottomline though is that no matter what either said of the other if it's not testable and/or documented (aka proof) it amounts to tit for tat rumorville. Partly why if there are actually problems/issues it is important to document and report them. He said, she said won't get far.

And then of course, Gma got first whack at both BM and BF when she filed the suspected violations for investigation. No telling what tidbits she might have put forth.

Personally, as far as BM knowing who reported her would not be a big issue for me. Unless this Gma was just in a tiff and totally making things up for spite, who reported a possible issue should not be a consideration. If I seriously thought any of my children were abusing, neglecting, and/or putting a chld in danger I'd rat them out in a heartbeat. It would not be to 'punish' the adult but to protect an innocent minor child who can not stand for him/herself.

No clue what is actually going on with this particular 'case', but if I were Amber I'd keep a watchful eye on what is taking place and weigh all that happens carefully as to how it may or may not affect her and her daughters.

RE: BM reported to DSS

in my state they do hair analysis now, not peeing in a cup anymore, pot stays in hair way longer.

i don't understand how is it wrong for BM to smoke pot yet OK for BF, he is a parent too, in fact he is talking about getting full custody. he gives dirt on her, what about dirt on him?

even if Amber does not run now and continues dating him, moving in is not a good idea at all. just my opinion

RE: BM reported to DSS

Very good points Justme. If they're the kind to rat one another out just for spite, who knows what BM said about BF.

The whole thing sounds really dramatic Amber. Is this what you want?

RE: BM reported to DSS

Your BF should not sit too high on that pedastool, he is bound to get a nose bleed.
I also hope he was sober while talking to dss also or he may find himself submitting to drug tests.

I would not want to be with someone who can point fingers yet be guilty of the same thing (crime).
It doesn't matter who feels it's a big deal or not. Fact is, weed is illegal still. In a custody case it ABSOLUTELY WILL matter who is doing ILLEGAL drugs and who is not ... It is illegal at this point and although I do agree that cops won't arrest or even write tickets for small amounts BUT I'm not talking about cops, I'm talking family court/CPS. And yes to answer the way earlier question, I've known people to temporarily lose their kids because they associated with bad people who were breaking laws. It depends on your state. My state happens to be HUGE on the drug war and there is NO tolerance right now. Hope you live in a more liberal state and that your BF doesn't get caught.

RE: BM reported to DSS

--"I would not want to be with someone who can point fingers yet be guilty of the same thing (crime)."--

I kinda thought that too. Reminded me of when in another thread recently we were being told about an incident the son was doing something and when Amber confronted/told BF about behavior he replied something along the lines of 'well your daughters do it too'. LOL. Amber blew a gasket about: " Sometimes when I point something out about Bf's son, BF turns around and says, well, your daughter does it too! I don't understand why he says that.
If my kid is doing something wrong, bring it to my attention and I'll deal with it. But if I tell you your kid is doing something wrong, don't try to deflect the issue, own it."

Maybe it's time the whole bunch start owning their own behavior and being responsible for it. Do as I say, not as I do? Pretty tough double standards to be pointing out someone else's behavior when the same behavior is sitting on your own doorstep.

I'm not meaning to 'pick' on Amber, but I'm a bit afraid she's making too many excuses for this guy that maybe should not be being made. Perhaps also being a bit blind to self and own kid's possible faults yet quite willing to toss stones (for same offenses) at others.

RE: BM reported to DSS

"Was BM actually told to 'schedule' a time for a later day at her chosing? Or is it possible you misunderstood the timing of it?"
Keep in mind I'm getting this info from the BF, so I'm not getting first hand knowledge of what's going on. But, yes, BM was allowed to schedule a time to take the drug test.

"If I seriously thought any of my children were abusing, neglecting, and/or putting a chld in danger I'd rat them out in a heartbeat. It would not be to 'punish' the adult but to protect an innocent minor child who can not stand for him/herself."
This is what I have been trying to say. Grandma has known about this behavior for a long time, but it is only when she gets into a fight with her daughter that she reports her to DSS. If she was really concerned for her grandson�s welfare, she would not wait until she got into a fight with her daughter to report her to DSS.

Well, I had a talk with BF yesterday. I told him I am tired of hearing him complain that his son's grandma gets more time than him and I�m tired of him complain about what his BM does. I told him he needs to get over it. He can't control how much the grandma sees his son, so long as if doesn't interfere with his time. And I told him that if he was really felt that BM was such a terrible mother he needed to clean his act up and find out what he needed to do to get custody of his son.
I told him I would support him in any way I could to help him get custody of his son.

I also told BF that I was not giving him an ultimatum, but that if he is serious about getting custody of his kid he needs to think about how his smoking weed could affect that.

BF was open to everything I said, did not get mad, and basically said I was right about everything. We had a great discussion, he was very receptive to everything I had to say. We had a great discussion and we resolved the two main issues I had in the relationship, complaining about the Bm's mom all the time, and being so critical of BM. BF admitted that he needs to stop being so critical of everything BM does.

"I'm not meaning to 'pick' on Amber, but I'm a bit afraid she's making too many excuses for this guy that maybe should not be being made."
BF has his faults, same as I do, but when I talk to him about them he is able to admit where he is wrong. And I can admit when I'm wrong too. The wonderful thing about our relationship is our ability to communicate and get things resolved. We may not get all our problems resolved right away, but we do work on them. And some things may take longer than others to get resolved, but we do work on them together.

Just like the situation where when I point out something about BF's son and he would turn around and say "well, your daughter does it too!" We talked about that, and BF admited he shouldn't try to deflect responsilbility. Since we had that talk he has never said that to me again.

BM reported to DSS

I just want to add- I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to respond to my post. However, after my discussion with my BF this weekend I am very happy with the results and feel that staying in this relationship is the right thing to do.

There is only so much you can put into a post, and it is hard to give a complete picture of the relationship in an online forum. I do feel that the good in the relationship far outweighs any bad, and our communication is so good we are able to work through the "bad" things.

So while I appreciate everyone's responses so far, I will not be responding to any more posts on this topic. We'd only be beating a dead horse at this point.

RE: BM reported to DSS

Lol we like to do that around here

I'm so glad that you feel you found your answer and that you were able to vent it out here and kind of see where you want to go from here. If your relationship is important enough to both of you, it's worth working out and getting through each hurdle.

Good Luck to you -- so glad that your BF was so quick to change on it all -- that sure makes everything so much easier when they change for you -/ you're so lucky! Hang on to that one for sure!!

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