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Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

Posted by pseudo_mom (My Page) on
Fri, Aug 28, 09 at 7:21

Marie said "Having been out of her life for many years -- for which, in my opinion, there is hardly ever a good justification "

But her DD doesn't visit with her dad and she supports that decision.... because she is a strong willed child etc.... so where is the justification?

FD said "When she visits, she demands a lot of attention, elaborate homecooked meals every day, entertainment etc yet she is sulking all the time (the only time she is not sulking is when SO buys her something expensive or takes her to expensive restaurants that he cannot currently afford)."

If any of us said that we would be reamed out sideways by all the BM's ... but its ok for FD to say it ... granted the "child is 27" but I bet she acted that way when she was a teen too.

Now discuss (hehehehe)


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

Of course it is OK for me to say that grown married woman should not drive her father nuts wiht her demands. LOL as he shouldn't jump through the hoops every time.

It is not OK to behave this way at any age, 7 or 27. If any SM/BM here posts of such behavior of SKs or biokids of any age I certainly support moms/stepmoms.

what is inappropriate is if SMs insists that SKs stop visiting because they behave poorly (makes no sense) or if SMs and dads are the ones raising kids full time yet somehow someone is at fault kids are not behaving. I am also not in support for yelling at SKs because they behave poorly, belittling them or treating them unfairly in other ways. But I never condone any children minors or adults behaving this way and knowing no boundaries.

I can't care less if she is sulking or whatever, but it is tough on him, I can see him trying to please her every way possible. The thing is I didn't know her as a child and have no say in raising her.

If she would be a child and would be raised in my household and me or my SO or DH or whoever was a custodial parent then i would be raising her differently. My DD is not an angel either, but she is humble and was raised humble. She doesn't demand and has her own life and doesn't interfer in ours, she knows boundaries. But I have no control how other people are raised.

But part of it could be also personality. His younger DD is not this way.

But then again with any kind of personality people could control themselves in their demands as adults should teach them what is appropriate. But how to you teach someone who is already grown? I actually influence her in a positive way and she is showing some improvements in her attitude and decline in demands compare to let's say even a year ago. But i cannot completely reteach her or retach SO or his X how to be parents. LOL Too late.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

Slow day huh pseudo? I'll bite. Let me correct you on a few things. First of all, DD visits with her dad: 6 weeks every summer, alternating holidays, 1 week every spring break, and for her birthday, when he exercises it. DD does not want to visit, but I make sure that she does. If it were up to me, given the things that I know goes on at his home and DD's reasons for not wanting to visit, I'd let her stay. But it is not up to me or her. For now. As I've said before, DD does not like her father. Anyone who thinks that just because you donate sperm or an egg to a child entitles you to that child's love is a fool, in my opinion. You have to put in the work to build a special relationship with the child. Therefore, I do not excuse any parent, mother or father, for not staying involved with their kids. DD's dad exercises his visitation but that is all (and in my opinion, he does that little due to the nature of his career). He pays child support -- a very minimal amount -- about 2-3 months late all the time, nothing extra. He calls DD once every 3-4 months, if that often. And then when she visits, rather than enjoy her company, he acts as if she's a problem child and he is the drill seargant in charge of fixing her. He belittles her, hits her (though I've put a stop to that), has her on punishment for most of the visit, and generally makes her very unhappy. None of it is jusitified. DD is a wonderful kid. Besides her father, every adult who comes into contact with her loves her. She's cute, mature, gifted, funny, very sweet and a great athlete. She is also a very strong-willed child, but not in a bad way. She is very moldable if you know how to deal with her. But she does not take any crap from anyone. So imagine if you were made to feel like crap for several weeks every year. To make a point to her dad, during a visit one year, I took him to open house so that other people could tell him how wonderful she is so he would look internally and realize that he is the problem, not her. Well, didn't work. Anyway, additionally, he has a son and when DD is there, he and his girlfriend make her feel inferior to their son, and let me tell you its out of insecurity because, not to compare kids, but DD has no reason whatsoever to feel inferior. When she used to call him to share news with him, he's never truly happy for her and DD picks up on it. His response many a time, was something like, really, well X (his son) did Y. Also this last visit, DD told me how mad she was because he and his family kept bad-mouthing me to her face. I, on the otherhand, never bad-mouth him or them to her (although I admit it takes huge amounts of self-control to keep my mouth shut). I do, however, set the record straight when he tells lies about me or the fictional things he's done for her. There is a lot more going on than I have time to go into, but suffice it to say, I was still young and foolish and he is not who I would choose to be a father to DD if I were given the chance to do it all over again. As DD herself said during this summer's visit, she has no idea what I saw in him.

All that said to point out that I did not contradict myself. I've explained, summarily, before, my situation with DD and her dad. Many of you have DHs who are involved with their kids. Unfortunately, that is not the case for DD. Her dad's a loser, simple as that. I am mother and father to her, and she's still growing into quite the lovely young lady. I will continue to support her where her dad is concerned. When she gets older, if she chooses to not visit, I'll support that decision. You can disagree with that if you wish.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

" He belittles her, hits her (though I've put a stop to that), has her on punishment for most of the visit, and generally makes her very unhappy."

I would be surprised if any child of any age would want to spend any time with their parent/stepparent who treats them this way. unfortunatelly when children are full time wiht such parent/steparent, they have no choice but then they end up rebelling, causing problems or withdrawing (then parents/stepparents wonder why children are acting this way). I think there is a big difference between being a good involved parent/steparent and being a parent who is just being there. Just being there is not good enough.

Frankly marie is pretty lenient here, taking in consideration his treatment of DD maybe she could change his visitations to supervised or none at all.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

It takes A LOT to get supervised visitation or cut off all visitation. And he is quite the slick one (he's in politics). A friend of mine is a family law lawyer, and an excellent one, and she tells me that, without more, going to court to try to change visitation would be wasting money. Slowly we are starting to move away from the regular visitation schedule anyway because of DD's athletics. DD only went for 3 weeks this summer instead of 6. Next summer DD needs to be home to train again for state competitions so I expect he'll eventually agree to let her stay.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

I understand. i didn't mean to say that you have to pursue anything, just a comment that you already are pretty nice toward your X in this situation. You comply with visitations, I am not sure what pseudo is talking about. You can't force people to become good parents. If the father (or the mother) are bad parents you can take your child there for visitations and you can speak nicelly of them to your child, but it won't change anything. They won't become good parents.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

hahahahahahah : ) didn't read anything either of you have to say .... just wanted to see who would comment... :)


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

sure you didn't ;)


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

Psuedo, that comment is a mark of a real mature person --


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

Very immature. It really makes you wonder about people like pseudo when they complain about their SKs.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

pseudo...i am new here..but you are not very nice...people are here because they have real issues they are dealing with..they need support and words of encouragement and advice..and though it may not always be what we want to hear, my experience here has been that these women are sincere in their attempts at helping...and you are just so rude!


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

sweethrtttt,

You MUST be new here. You are right, people are here because they have real issues they are dealing with and need support and words of encouragement. Just what is your experience to say these women are sincere in their attempts at helping here if you are new? How long have you actually followed the threads and what has been said here by these women?

Pseudo has a point... and if you have been here for any length of time, you would know what it is. There is a double standard when one poster ~a stepmom~ (non custodial no less) was blasted and continues to be blasted and blamed by kkny for presumably cutting the stepkids summer visit down by one week. Yet, mariealways can support her 9 year old in declining to visit dad.. because she doesn't want to and that doesn't bother kkny. Why should it, kkny herself has a daughter that only sees dad occasionally... as long as it's away from dad's GF. They are mom's that support limiting kids contact with dad. But don't you dare be a stepmom that supports less time for the kids with dad. In fact, some think dad should leave work to do everything for his kids so stepmom doesn't overstep and do something only a mom should do... like take the child for a routine doctor visit.

KKNY has no connection to a stepfamily situation, not sure what marie's is... but they do have good advice occasionally. But that doesn't negate the double standard that exists with them.

Finedreams... well, she is a bit more sincere in my opinion but from the way she has talked... she doesn't like her BF's daughters. She is also not in a stepfamily situation but her daughter is so there is a connection. But, if any of the stepmom's here were to b!tch and moan and say the things that she says, about their own stepkids... they'd have a new one torn for them! I'm sorry finedreams... but they are grown women and you are not married to their father. If I was just dating a guy and his kids drove me as crazy as they seem to drive you... heck, there's other fish in the sea!!! Geez! I'm dealing with crazy... Pesudo is dealing with crazy... LH is dealing with crazy... and I think JNM is just dealing with stupid... the difference is we are all married and dealing with minor kids that live with us (at least half of the time) and the crazy is from the other parent... If you go to a wedding and BM is acting a fool and ruins the day.. it's not your problem. It shouldn't bother you so... not anymore than if you go to a nieces' wedding and her dad gets drunk and ruins the day... just say "what an idiot he is..." but there's no need to get emotionally involved where it bothers you and you have to vent... after all, KKNY says you should just assume an auntie role and if their mom ruins the day, oh well...


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

ima and pseudo, you both have huge chips on your shoulder that you need to check at the forum door. I have not noticed the us against them divide that you guys seem to harp on. What I have noticed is that you both seem to be quick to make generalizations (often erroneous ones at that) and don't feel that anyone should ever question your actions. Lets talk specifics here. Why should my situation bother anyone, including kkny? Only someone who reacts based on generalizations rather than on facts would think I should force DD to visit her dad. Mind you, she is indeed forced to visit at this time. I dont specifically recall the thread regarding the one week less visitation you reference so I can't comment. But perhaps the reason for anyone questioning it was due to the reasons offered? And how dare you say that we are mothers that support limiting time with dads. I'll only speak for myself there, but this generalization is off base. If DD's father were a good father, then I would have no reason to support DD's decision. I have represented men and women in divorce and custody disputes, and only when I believe in their case. I don't get paid for such cases and can afford to be choosy. I'm very fair and support all good parents. But the reality is, there are many who should not have been allowed to have children. Smilarly, there are wonderful step-parents and step-parents who the bio parents should have had enough sense and love for their children to never get involved with.

Bottom line, you two need to get over yourselves.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

ok I lied I read all posts after my second one ....

When I said "If any of us said that we would be reamed out sideways by all the BM's" I meant the regulars.

Yes I am very immature .... just a kid ... compared to some :)


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

pseudo:

People that have one standard for themselves... because only they know the details of 'their' situation, and have another standard for others that they have limited detail on (because nobody here could possibly give every detail of their situation in a post/thread... heck, I've been posting for two years and haven't given every detail!) are not going to see anything wrong with saying "My kid has a terrible father and does not want to see him so I support that" but can turn around and criticize a father's lack of involvement... maybe the father was immature, abusive, on drugs or somehow knew he would have been a terrible influence on the child and did not want to subject the child to trauma or a bitter custody battle. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do is to stay out of a child's life if they know their presence will cause the child grief or harm. Sure, I think every child deserves to be wanted and loved and that all parents should put their child first and that no child would ever suffer because of the parent's choices. That's not realistic. It would be nice if all parents were created equal, but they are not.

There is no chip on my shoulder. I am only pointing out what I have seen on GW for almost two years. Anyone who's been here more than a year knows how kkny has reamed fleurs repeatedly for two years. The double standard gets old.

As for getting over oneself, those of us that can admit our mistakes, accept our participation in the problem, seek advice to make our situations better and show our human qualities are not the ones that need to get over ourselves.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

well i didn't read any of the posts LOL just kidding LOl I did read some.

well first of all I love my SO's daughters and my concerns are about how his older one's behavior effects SO, nothing about liking or disliking. he is the one upset wiht her behavior and he is the one who is going crazy because of it, not me. but certainly when you are in a relationship if your partner is upset over something it is rather sad to watch especially if it is nothing one can do. if my DD would upset me this way, I bet you my SO would feel sad about it.

you are absolutelly right, none of that bothers me personally. the reason I was upset over her BM's behavior at the wedding is because it was sad to watch DD27 so upset and also i was the one comforting her, I felt sad for her not for myself, she is not my BM. lol My BM is normal but it doesn't mean i shouldn't feel sad that other moms are that selfish.

I think the difference here is that I share/vent here and i do ask for advice and advice is great but no matter what DD27 does i would never dream of doing stuff like some SMs do, like yell at kids, suggest limiting visitations, ban them from the house, belittle them etc.

as about not being married, plenty of women on this forum are not married, yabber (liesbeth), ashley only recently married etc noboy tells them anything about being married or not. i can vent just the same.

as about kkny and fleur, fleur wanted to limit visitations and it caused problems wiht SKs. i don't see any parallels here. If I would post that i actually want DD27 not to visit or to visit less or i want to yell at her or mistreat her in any other way, I would expect people to react to my posts the same way as to fleurs posts. here is the difference. I wouldn't do anything to harm anyone or to stand between the father and his children. that's why I do have great relationship with his kids and he does wiht mine, but it doesn't mean we have to like everything what each others or our own kids do. there are plenty of things I dislike what DD does. so what.


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double standard

double standard on this forum doesn't bother me anymore, but it is still here.

when ashley complained about her situations nobody told her, hey you aren't married, there are other guys available, you aren't in a stepfamily situation. or when liesbeth yelled at her BF's kids nobody said who are you, just a GF, you aren't in a stepfamily situation.

somehow if i share, everyone reminds me i am not married and am not in a stepfamily situation. so what? ashley (sorry ashley not an attack on you just an example) took 7 years to get married, i have long way to go. LOL heck our kids are grown we might want to never get married, so what? some people have great advice and insight on my situation and i am glad to take it to heart, no matter if i am married or not.

I think if people always speak poorly of BMs and stepkids then there is one standard applies (kind of like way to go), but if they have different opinions on different situation (like me and kkny) then there is a different standard applies.

My opinions depend on a situation, I do not have a need to take sides. sometimes BMs are wrong, sometimes SMs are wrong, sometimes SKs are wrong depends on a situation. but some people can't deal with it, they need others to take sides. somebody even posted here once that they cannot figure out which side I am on. LOL I am on nobody's side, I am on a side of reason. if it bothers other posters, too bad.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

My situation has improved in the last year ... since the change of custody ....I take what I need from this board and leave the rest ...

And yes there is a double standard .... among the regulars ... I only posted on that other one about the bf not disciplining her kids because he wants her to mind her own business when it comes to his newly found DD ... so great do what you want for yours and pay him no mind and when he steps up to discipline one of hers she needs to say ... I don't tell you how to treat your kid don't tell mine what to do ... etc. he will get the hint eventually.


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marie

"I dont specifically recall the thread regarding the one week less visitation you reference so I can't comment. But perhaps the reason for anyone questioning it was due to the reasons offered? "

the SM in question had SKs who lived full time wiht mom and visited dad EOW as well as 2 weeks in summer (the rest of the summer as well as the whole year kids were with mom). SM asked dad to limit two weeks summer visitations to one week. dad complied but instead of telling his kids, he expected his exwife to tell them. Those were young children by the way.

when SM and dad left on vacation, his son called every day and left messages asking dad why doesn't he pick him up as he was supposed to. Instead of picking up the phone and telling his son as it is, dad ingored the phone calls and SM was annoyed by son's calling.

Now fast forward, grown stepkids don't call on father's day and don't visit, and overall maintain very limited contact wiht dad and SM, rarelly call and visit. SM was also slided at the wedding of SKs, I think she didn't get a corsage or was not seated where she wanted or somehting. Well overall grown stepkids don't treat dad and Sm very well.

everyone on this forum said that it is OK for dad and SM to ask for even less time with kids. and yes as i think of it only I an kkny thought that it was not OK and it was not OK not to tell kids and put it on mom, and current estrangement of grown stepkids is possibly due to all that.

I do not know why this example was brought up in here because no one else here suggested anyone limits their time with children, especially if time already is so minimal. But anyways, that's what happened.


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RE: Things that make ya go hmmmmmm...

ROFL....oh yes there is a double standard here. That and any flaming of a SM comes from the same people mentioned here. Always. They never try to see anything for what it is, they just start blasting away at the SM because it is so obviously her fault in their eyes.

Ima posted this: ".....because only they know the details of 'their' situation, and have another standard for others that they have limited detail on (because nobody here could possibly give every detail of their situation in a post/thread... heck, I've been posting for two years and haven't given every detail!)"

That is true. I went into detail that I didn't even want to go into when I tried to explain my situation, and why? Because the same few were blasting me and wanting to know more more and more and did they then see the situation? No, they just came up with more to criticize and blast for. There is little to no "support" from the likes of them if you have a very very difficult situation, because they have no clue where I or others who have to deal with a crazy situation , come from.

I have been posting here off and on for a while now and it is always the same with those few.


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