First of all, you have my sympathy. Deep breath, give yourself a big hug...

You say you love him. The question is, does he love you? I would never allow someone I love to be abused like this.

This young man's problems go far beyond immaturity. The worst is that he appears to be a sexual predator.

Beyond that, your husband also has issues, not just as a parent but in regards to his own despair and depression. At the very least, your husband needs counseling and medical treatment.

Please do not pursue IVF until you are 100% sure these issues are resolved. Currently your husband is totally unsuited for the duties of fatherhood.

You just cannot bring a child into this unstable and unhealthy environment. Imagine the physical and emotional risks with a sibling like your stepson.

If being a mother is crucial to you, my best suggestion would be to find a different spouse.

Good points Readinglady.

thanks for comments hes just giving me the cold shoulder, why cant i walk away im terrified it really really hurts.......me an dhim alone are happy, soulmates maybe its all in my head!

You keep saying how wonderful everything else when SS isn't there. I was married for ten years and what I've learned is that it's easy to be happy in a marriage when things are good. It's when things are going bad that you can tell if a marriage is good or not.

You've mentioned several issues: your husband lets his son drag you down financially, your husband gives his son whatever he wants, your husband suffers from depression, does not value your opinion, gives you the cold shoulder, etc. These are not issues with your SS, these are issues with your HUSBAND.

Your husband is nine years older than you and you got married when you were 20, which is still quite young. I can say that because I'm 34 and realizing how much I still have to learn. I got married when I was your age and I can say I am not the same person I was when I was 20.

You think that if SS would go away everything would be just fine. But your marriage needs to stand up to stresses like this one, otherwise it is not going to last.

Supose SS goes away and never comes back? Will everything be perfect? Supose your husband loses his job and gets so depressed to the point that he lays in bed all day and you have to take care of him? Will everything be perfect then? Supose the IVF does not work out, that can cause stress in the marriage as well. I'm not wishing these things on you or trying minizing the seriousness of depression, but don't think just because SS magically disappears you will never ever have a serious problem in your life that does not affect your marriage. Marriage needs to stand up to whatever problems life gives you.

If ya'll can't handle the stresses that SS is putting on your marriage, it's time to realize it's the marriage and not the problems that's the issue.

I only say this because it's what I realized in my marriage. I kept saying if only my husband got a better job things would be better. I finally realized the problem was not my husband getting a better job, it was that my husband could not control his spending. My husband was the problem. I can now say he is my ex-husband now.

Slij, I will tell you what I tell my DD9.

The ONLY thing we are in control of in this world is our body. (if we are lucky enough for that!). We control what we say, we control what we do. We control our reactions and our actions.

We will never be able to fully control another person or situation. Life is out of control.

Do you put yourself in the car with someone who has shown disregard for your health? Perhaps. But will you buckle your baby in the back seat too? Most will say no.

If you are not healthy, your baby will not have very good potential for health either. I mean, physical, mental health.

I don't know why you can't walk away. I would guess you are afraid of what might happen.

What is the worst case scenario? You don't have to tell me, but think of it. Is the worst that you would be alone? Never find someone as (cute, funny, loving, smart, whatever) as he is? Financial?

Whatever it is, think of that. Then think of a solution. Tuck that solution away and use it to reassure yourself whenever you get scared of that again.

BELIEVE ME. There are so many people in the world, you will find someone you like more, and who actually LIKES you enough to set you free rather than potentially bring another baby into a child-molesting situation.

When I left my fiancee at 22, the man I thought I'd marry, the man who I found so handsome and wonderful.... I thought I'd never find anyone else. Well, I married a stinker after that... and divorced him. After wasting 4 more years on him than I should have because I was scared. And then left him... with a three year old baby in tow. Talk about hard.

And now I'm remarried and happy.

Worst case scenario is you're alone. Now imagine being alone, but with a baby. And having to share that baby's care with someone who is giving you a cold shoulder.

Soulmates is just a word. So is respect. Figure out which means more to you. It doesn't have to be an either/or....

Thanks foR your honest replies I'm frightened of making a mistake of leaving him my feelings are so strong him but in perspective I don't feel my husband has the same commitment as I do. He's had a much different life to me he lost his mum at 13 and his dad at 15 he naturally sees the worst in everything. Hes never dealt with any issues and has a long list of people he must seek revenge on. He's always joking ss isn't his child to me and I feel ge isn't 100% sure. I do appreciate your comments xxx even hf some of them are hard to hear and probably the truth

Just had a bug row he saud if I gave him an ultimatum I'd be out the Dior he'd choose his son he said he's fed up of me nagging and he's helping his son get his first bike and me and my family are evil because we dint like his son

Well, there's your answer. Clearly he doesn't consider that you are HIS soulmate.
I'm so sorry for you but also glad for you that this happened before you went into IVF. Go home to your family, regroup, and relaunch yourself into this big wide world for a new adventure, a better one. Stay strong, and I wish you the best.

wow SS sounds scary....And your DH is not helpful. I agree with others, start a new life. Good luck

thanks for your replies, he sent me a really nice message todya (its our 5 year anniversary) saying how he loves me and these 5 years have been the best years of his life.??? i think he's mad I slept ALONE in bed crying last night wondering what the hell to do then he sends me a nice text... I feel this situation will never improve it never has and I've been stupid to stay Ive threatned to leave before and never carried it out I dont think he thinks I have the strength to go. Its frightening, leaving someone you love after all the hopes and dreams I had for us it really p**** me off.

I am very sorry you are going through this. It is hard to give up hope.

Your husband was very clever to send you that loving message. If he does that 10% of the time, the odds are good that you will stick with the marriage and he still gets 90% of the time to follow his usual behaviors.

It's like slot machines. They pay off once-in-a-while, mainly in small amounts, but that's enough to keep people shoving the money in, hoping for the big payoff. Works every time.

If you can stay mad, that might be your best defense.

I can't emphasize it enough that you should NOT pursue IVF. You and your husband are in no position to have a child. Besides, I would never bring a child into this situation with your stepson. He could very well become violent.

Do you have family that you could stay with? This might be the best time to leave, you're still young and you can make a good life for yourself. Would you rather be happy alone or miserable with your DH? It's your choice.