IMO, your father is playing both of you like a fiddle. As long as each of you are complaining about the other one, all focus is off of him. Brilliant! Golddust.. I agree. I've started replying 3 times and deleted all of them. I think there's more to the story & doubt it's just the girlfriend. Reading her letter, she probably thinks she's helping her man. Danielle, the best advice I can give you is to try to understand where she is coming from; but don't let her walk all over you. This is a very touchy situation; you know what your dad was like when you were growing up & she came into the picture after he was out of his "unhappy" marriage. While he's probably told her his side; she's never going to know what really happened because she wasn't there and IMO.. she needs to respect your feelings & how hurt you were by him but try to respect her for trying to be there for your dad now. I have issues with my step son. He likes to go back to his father & say that I said this or I said that. When my hubby fell off of his truck I sent him an email because he stopped speaking to my hub & wouldn't you know it, he twisted my email around trying to start a fight between my hub & I. Thankfully my hub knew about the email before I sent it; it was a rude awakening to my hub of just what his son would do to get me out of the picture. This is all in SS's head, not mine because I can be grown up about it & smile like nothing ever happened but he can't. The best advice I can give you is to try to have a relationship with your dad without the GF around every time. You still need father/daughter time. I encourage hub to call his son or go golfing with him because even though we can't see eye to eye, it's still his son. My hub does not talk about me when they are together & if the kid starts, he says it's between you 2 and not me. SS's mother was an alcoholic - probably why he hates me so much because we have the life he never had growing up & his father has been raising my 2 kids for the last 10 years.. so he's bitter; but he's also an adult man in his 30's & a divorced father. I don't feel that the GF was trying to place "blame" on any of the kids for the marriage/drinking problems, I read it as her just stating why he was drinking. My dad stayed in a bad marriage because "It was cheaper to keep her" & we kids suffered with the fighting. Dad was not around most times, he chose to work as much as he could.

My daughter, age 25, went missing last summer. For a week I didn't hear from her and we never went a day without a hello. I finally called her father, my ex, who said he would call me back. Next call I get is from my daughter who informs me she had a nervous breakdown, it wasn't my fault and that she couldn't talk to me. There was a therapist in the background who asked me if I had a therapist and that I had better find a way to seek help. Click and the phone went dead. I sat there for the longest time in complete disbelief, I felt like I was watching someone else's life not mine. I was a single mom for a long time and my daughter and I were a team. She went off to college and did incredibly well, she did the typical college partying and smoking pot but I never put too much into it because I knew or thought she was being careful. I had raised her to be independent and I always thought she was. Let me start with what I pieced together. She graduated from college and was home for two weeks before she packed her car up and drove across country with three of her friend’s destination Oregon and her father. I really didn't think too much about it. I thought it was great. The day she left I walked her to her car and hugged her and kissed her face a gazillion times like I always did and she began to cry then sob. I was so shocked, I looked at her and said you are crying like you will never see me again and I am going nowhere. I love you mom, I really love you and I really appreciate everything you did for me. I hugged her and said thank you and that I would see in a couple of months when she was ready, if she was ready to return home. Off she went and would call from the road. Long story short she made it to Oregon and started working in the vineyards and with her father on his land. I heard less and less from her and when I did call her I always felt like it was an intrusion. That November I had to have hip replacement surgery and I was really fine. Her father asked if I needed her to come home to help and I said no I was good. Next thing I know is a call from her telling me that her father had left her in Oregon with no money, no place to live and moved back to California. I sent her plane ticket back to Florida. When she arrived there was a difference, a distance, and anger. I let it go and we went about life as usual but it started to grow. She got a job, started to hang out with old friends and started to get angry and moody. I asked her if she was taking her medication as she is Bipolar and she told me that her father said she didn't need it that as long as she ate healthy she was good. I tried to explain to her but she wasn't having it. Suddenly everything I did was bad, I ate badly, I slept badly, and I just breathed badly. Talking to her was impossible but I was trying to not lose it and stay calm. One night I did explode and thinking about it later it was what she wanted. Well the next thing I know she is in Adult Children of Alcoholics and telling me I abused her emotionally as a child and all this stuff. Now I don't drink maybe wine occasionally but I don't drink. I stopped smoking pot long before she came into this life. I have my own medical issues and take my own antidepressants to keep my life in order. I go to therapy and I try to live in a calm environment. So here is this adult child telling me I was a horrible mother and blah, blah, blah. She finally went to the psycho pharmacologist to have him explain what was wrong with her and why she was bipolar and started back on her medication. Then she decided to move out. She wasn't making enough money to afford it but I kept my mouth shut and helped her move into a place with a friend who was an addict. Then the calls stopped coming and every time I called her it was a long deep breath of what do you want now. Her birthday came and we all celebrated and I never saw her again. She called me when she was done with her treatment and told me that she was going to California to a rehab there and that she wouldn't be able to talk to me. I spoke to her father and he told me that she would have to work her steps and she would come around. Yep sure her father is not playing with a full deck need I say more. My birthday came and went - no call. Christmas came and there was a gift sent to my brothers. It was a journal in which she wrote total this is what you need to hear crap. But I accepted it as a gift and felt blessed that at least it was a reaching out. From there we texted and she finally let me have it about how horrible I was after the divorce and all this stuff. I came apart, I felt like there was no reason for breathing and I stopped living my life. I went into the deepest, darkest depression so bad I wanted to go to the nut house but my therapist wouldn't let me. I started to put it together and realized I had been had. And I got mad, really mad. How dare she! I let it out and I cried and screamed and I got so mad. The texts stopped coming, the communication stopped all together, she blocked my number and email. It was if I was dead and she never existed. I read two really great books about the mother daughter relationship and how hard it is to let go. The first book really helped me understand the letting go of my child into adult hood. Too Close For Comfort by Linda Perlman Goldman and Susan Morris Shaffer. Then I found another one and this one really hit home Daughters and Mothers Making it Work by Julie Firman and Dorothy Firman. The second book talks about how your child becoming the ex child and you the mother graduate. You move into the space where you are living your life for yourself and you are the parent of an adult child who is able to make decisions for themselves, maybe not to your liking but it is to them to make. I recalled my own upbringing, I thought about how my 87 year old mother lives 4 doors down the hall in her own place and how at 60 I am still her child. The book made me understand that I am not her child in that way, I am her adult child and that I have the power to let go of that too. She and I had a horrible relationship but I never left her because she was my mother. So I realized that my daughter will never come back to Florida and that it is ok that she is in California because it is where she was born and brought up and that is her home. She needed to create this incredible drama to let go of me but she didn't know why, she has no clue to this day. I did hear from her on my 60th birthday and it was polite and nice but there was no love there. She did say that she wants to try to work on the relationship and that maybe we could do session with her therapist on Skype and I was ok with that. She has unblocked my number but I don't call her. I went to Sicily and she didn't get an invite when I went off with my mother and brother and his family and while she was missed by the family and while I thought wow she would love this I also was ok that she wasn't there. And I will go on with my life as it is as she wills hers. As I have read in these books there is more a loss on their part than on ours as parents because they need to have the connection but get lost in the process in their stuff. Well that is fine. I am here and she knows how to find me. I will love her until the day I take my last breath and will cherish the memories of all that we shared. One memory is the day I took her out of the car to go to the grocery store, she has just started walking, she didn't want to be carried she wanted to walk and she put her little hand in mine and looked up at me with such pride in her face. And the day she said she didn't want to sleep over her friends because she would miss me too much, and I said that I was with her always right inside her belly button and she looked at me like I was insane. I told her that when she was in my tummy she was attached to the back of my belly button to the front of hers and when they cut the cord that piece of me rolled up into her belly button and when she missed me all she had to do what stick her finger in there and know I wasn't far away. Corny I know but it worked. I tear as I think about it because I will always carry that with me and I will always miss that part of her, but there are other milestones that I remember and carry with me as well. We all want to go back to that day when they put their hand in yours and you knew that it was the two of you forever. Kind of like that commercial where the little girl talks about how hard it was for her parents when she was born but that once they got through the hard stuff they belonged to each other forever. They do in different ways I guess and we have to let go of our expectations of what we want and what they are willing to give. What I have learned and have to work on constantly is expectations. I always thought she and I would be like the mom and daughter in the Gilmore Girls - best friends forever. never to part. That was my expectation that I put on her, she had her own expectation and had to move across the country away from my expectations to find out her own. So now I live with intentions and that is to live my life for me and leave the door unlocked for her if she wants to return. In closing, I am so grateful that I found this board and I thank you for listening to my rambling on, but I feel like a weight has been lifted because I was able to share with those who know where I have been and where I am now.

I am the mother of a son who is 34. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young. His father and I divorced when he was almost 3. It was just he and I until I remarried when he was 11. I have always been there for my son. He was very active and is very bright, but could not focus very well in school. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. He was never aggressive. He did attend college for a year, but dropped out. No one is perfect. I made mistakes, but I have always loved my son and really tried to be a loving and caring mom. He was very immature, but around 30 years old I saw him begin to mature. Every time we talked on the phone he would end each conversation with "I love you Mom". He has had a girlfriend for about the last 4 years. I have never interfered with his choices of friends since he's been grown. I will be honest here. I'm not very fond of his girlfriend. She has a lot of issues. She was abandoned by her mother when she was a baby and I don't think she got much love from her stepmother. She is very domineering and moody. With all honesty I can say I have never said an unkind word to her. I have shown her kindness. I took care of her daughter for 9 days (who was 11 years old) when she and my son went on vacation. They didn't give the child any money nor did she thank us when they returned. I bought her daughter (who likes to paint) brushes, paint, drawing pads, etc. and was glad to do it. I know I'm getting pretty wordy, but I need to vent. Their relationship has been rocky. My son would come home after a fight until I told him that he could not continue to run home every time they had a fight. I told him he had to decide - either he would be with her or not. This was a couple of years ago. I thought things had improved in their relationship. I never ask about their relationship. They are grown. Eight months ago she called me and told me she was pregnant. I admit my first reaction was one of concern. I didn't know if they were getting along or not. However, she assured me they were doing fine and I told her I was very happy for them. Everything was going fine until about a week later I got a call from my son asking me to come pick him up he was moving out. I told him I couldn't drop every thing at that very moment but if he was sure I would come as soon as I could. Well that wasn't good enough for him. If I couldn't come at that instant than not to bother and he hung up on me. Well he went to say with his biological father (first time ever) for about a week and then returned to his girlfriend. He did call me and apologized. Since then I have had several conversations with his girlfriend about having a baby shower. Then all of a sudden the calls stopped. My son has not called me since the apology. I called and emailed and no one returned my calls. Finally, I called my son's job and he asked the receptionist to ask me if it was an emergency. I said no and to tell him I was just calling to see how he was doing. He never called back. Then I received an email from his girlfriend telling me that there was no need for ME to call their jobs. I had called her job before to talk about the baby shower or just to say hi. I admit I was upset and emailed her back and told her I would call my son's job, his cell or his home if I was concerned about him. I said that being a mother I was sure she could understand my concern. She wrote back and said as a mother should would not handle a non-emergency situation the way I had. This made no sense to me because I hadn't heard from either of them so how did I know what had happened. She also told me the baby shower had been postponed. This was about 2 weeks before it was suppose to take place. When I had called and left messages about the shower she didn't even bother to call me back. So this is where we are now. Oh yes, she sent me sonogram pictures of the baby. The only thing she said was here are pictures of your grandson. I have not called my son since he never returned any of my calls. I have not sent any more emails. My heart is breaking. I don't know what I could have said. If I am asked for advice or an opinion, I give it. One of the last conversations I had with the girlfriend she raised a couple of concerns about my son. I told her I could understand her concerns. I don't know what she has said to him and I'm beginning to think she could have told him anything. My son has never treated me like this before and I am at lost to understand it. Some days I am really sad because (as I use to tell him) I miss his face.

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...