Dealing with adult stepkids
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16 years ago
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kkny
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Dealing with so-called "adult" children: how to determine rent?
Comments (55)I'm back! And there are so many responses here and I'm limited for time, so I can't respond to everyone individually. However, kswl, thanks for the info on that program -- you have to be over 21 to apply. He's only 20. Also, he is so focused on post-production, I don't think the AD role is necessarily for him. Thank you, though! And thanks to everyone else. Red lover, our kids sound somewhat similar! Briefly -- my DS was basically kicked out of kindergarten by our very rigid public elementary school principal. He went to a therapeutic elementary school til he was 12, then a nightmarish middle school, and finally a "regular" private high school that was open to kids w/ learning differences. When he was in kindergarten the dr. we saw thought he had Aspergers. In 1st grade, when he was in the therapeutic school, they said no way is he on the autism spectrum, but he has a general anxiety disorder. It wasn't until HS that he was diagnosed with ADD, and at the time, THAT dr. said the anxiety was probably brought on by the ADD. Finally, after he dropped out of college we saw yet another highly-regarded dr. who diagnosed him with the executive functioning disorder and said he could have told us that college would be a disaster. Well, thanks. Okay, so that is the very short story of his life. We are really lucky that he decided at age 13 that he had a passion and has stuck to it all this time. And also lucky that we have found (college level) educational programs that have been fantastic experiences for him. Anyway, here is what we've decided to do -- baby steps. I can't remember if I already said this, but once he started working a bit, we told him transportation costs are now up to him. So that was one small step. (He does not have a car and uses the bus and/or train or subway to get everywhere -- fortunately all are nearby, and we live close to Boston). As of Jan. 1, he will start paying his cell phone bill. It is on a family plan so he will pay his portion to us. It's a basic, inexpensive plan, maybe $30 or something. (DH pays the bill so I'm not 100% sure.) Then, next step will be rent, as of April 1 probably. It won't be high. Maybe $50 a month. I think my goal is mainly to get him to understand that he has to start getting used to paying bills (i.e., the not-fun stuff) first, then figure out what he has left over for the fun stuff. But I like the idea someone had of increasing it every 3 or 6 months. And if he is unable to pay these bills on the money he has coming in from film/video work, then yes, we have talked about the fact that he may have to get some kind of night job to supplement his income. He was open to it, but he hasn't made any steps toward doing it. The big problem with a kid like him is that he can talk the talk, but he doesn't (or can't) walk the walk! We can sit with him and talk about all the things he should do, and he says, Oh yes, good idea, I'll do that... and then it never happens. We have been trying to have "meetings" with him on a regular basis so we can check in and remind him of his to-do list. One good thing that's been happening is that he has hooked up with these two guys who graduated from the film program he also graduated from -- they are both older, one in his mid-late 20s and one in his early 30s -- who are in the beginning stages of putting together a production company, and they want him on board as much as possible. He has done one music video with them for an up-and-coming (according to DS) hip hop band -- DS did some camera work and the editing -- and this weekend is starting work on another video for another band. DS is really into music, so I have often thought music video work would be right up his alley. Anyway, who knows where this could lead. These guys seem to be real go-getters. Also, he did another project for this woman who turned out to be really difficult, gave him incorrect instructions that led to him having to talk to a TV person out in CA to sort things out, and then her check (to pay him) bounced! The good news about that mess is that I overheard his conversations with both the client and the TV person, and he was so professional. So -- he's certainly not a hopeless case. It is hard -- and has always been hard -- to figure out what he is and is not capable of. You talk to him and he is SO smart and articulate that it's easy to forget that he has a lot of wires crossed in that brain of his! And for those who asked about therapy. Yes, we are actually in the process of finding a new psychiatrist as the last (current) one turned out to be kind of a dud, and he is located too far from us to be convenient. My son's PCP gave us a list of names and I consulted with DS over which one he wanted to try -- there was a woman, an older man, and a younger man, and he felt that he could relate best to the younger guy, so I'm calling him this week. We have also seen an executive functioning specialist in the past, but after several weekly meetings, DS refused to go because she was "condescending." He's at the age where we can offer help, but we can't force him to accept it. Every so often we remind him that we are willing to pay for that kind of help if he wants it... This was longer than I intended but I wanted to fill in some of the blanks. Thanks again for all of your thoughtful input....See MoreDealing With An Adult Child
Comments (3)What a sad, complicated mess. And I'm afraid it's well beyond the "set a good example" stage. Doing the right thing and setting a good example are still important -- but they're not nearly strong enough measures to 'fix' your son's broken sense of responsibility. I'd schedule a few long meetings with your wife, a counselor, and a family law attorney to sort things through. Questions you and your wife need to be able to answer (and agree on) include: Questions to work through with the counselor: - Do you want to assume permanant, total responsibility for this little girl? - Are you able to? Financially, healthwise, emotionally? - What other options are available, given that neither 'parent' sounds like a decent choice? - If you do want to raise your granddaughter, what type of involvement do you want your son to have? The child's mother? - What type of 'parental' involvement would be best for the little girl, given that both of her biological parents are immature and irresponsible? Questions to work through with the lawyer: - Legally, what is your current position? - How strong a case do you have for the type of custody arrangement you want? - What type of legally-relevant evidence or documentation exists that the parents are unfit? - If you were to file for child support from either/both biological parents and they chose to fight it by seeking custody, what would likely happen? - And assuming they're both in low-paying jobs, is the money you might be awarded even worth it? - Should you try to adopt your granddaughter? - What legal rights do the biological parents have now, given that you are the legal guardians? I'm sure there are many, many more questions. But with some work, you can organize them and begin to systematically tackle them so the situation won't seem so overwhelming. Good luck with this, and bless you for caring enough to do the right thing....See MoreWhat is the FREAKING deal with adult children?
Comments (36)I married a great man. We dated for 5 years before getting married. We have 7 children between us. There are two ex-wives both allergic to work, neglectful mothers with drug and alcohol issues. Two of my step children lived with their mother who was hearing impaired and couldn't crawl out of the bottle. The other two children were kept from their other siblings. Their mother was/is a drug addict who had her son running drugs for her. My husband worked a lot of hours and out of town. Last ex wife took husband to the cleaners, lied about domestic and claimed to have spent her life ensuring her children were raised correctly and self sufficient. The adult kids have been dependent on my husband for over 10 years. He pays the mortgage on the house that was supposed to be sold so his youngest son can live there with his girlfriend and their children. The girlfriend collects welfare, my SS makes good money, they sub-rent the house, they have three times the allowable animals by city ordinance, the house is trashed, and the ex wife her boyfriend, the girlfriend's parents squat there. It's a mess. The people that live frequently live there are criminals with drug & alcohol problems. We just bought a house and I'm always worried about liability. The mother of our grandchildren keeps the kids from us we hardly see them, unless they need $$$ or it's a birthday or holiday. She never finished high school and now she partially home schools our grandaughter. I'm sure it's so she can stay home and run around with her twin sister. My step son is a glazier and makes good $$$ and just hands her his debit card so she can but whatever. They rarely contribute to the expenses of the house. They have stated they want to buy the house and my husband will sell it for what's owed yet year after year they swat. They can't rent anywhere because they have a history of not paying rent, and she's an animal (dog) hoarder. My 35 year old step daughter is a single mother, with drug & alcoholic problems. She uses bi-polar as an excuse for her bad behavior. My husbands picks up the slack for our grandaughter because SD wouldn't turn dad in for child support. Dad is a Mexican national who is an alcoholic and wouldn't work and leaches off his elderly mother and sister. SD is hard on cars and dad helps her out about every 16 months with a car. SD makes decent money but spends it like water eating out, Starbucks, cigarettes ... anything but car repair, paying speeding tickets etc... 30 year old step son is living with us, he hooked up with a meth head that we supported along with her three children. He got a DV for trying to leave her after she attacked him. He then crashed our car, and isn't getting another, despite my husband saying he will buy him car. While spending thousands of $$$ to help him, his mother is doing meth with him. Yes I spend a great deal of time trying to clean this woman's mess but she is mother & grandmother of the year. Good grief! She's now scheming and scamming claiming back problems to try to tap into my husband's social security. My last step son is amazing. He is hearing impaired and works his ass off. His wife was a teen mother who just graduated from college. Their son is well mannered, motivated and grounded. They are wonderful parents, partners and work hard to be self sufficient. My kids are not perfect but I limit how we help them, My youngest is living with us because he can't rent an apt in the current market having a good rental history. He has medical issues in which we help pay for the last surgery. He's 21, works, helps out & pays his bills. My middle child is somewhat disappointing with his recreational drug use, job hopping and pretty much being self centered. He is slow to pay back loans. My oldest pays back loans, works his tail off and lives in someone's attack, so he's at least on his own. My kids aren't going anywhere in life but they try to be self sufficient. I was always the smothering mother, but my husband wanted me to back away. It was hard but I did, and I'm blunt with my children on many subjects. It is not beyond me to pull over and tell my son to get out of my car if he can't be respectful and that the walk to where ever he is going will clear his head. My husband watched his sisters leach off his mother and father until they died. None of those sisters are self sufficient and they are in their late 50's. I'm sick of it because my husband wants to retire as his body is sore from working construction. He can't because he wouldn't cut the kids off. There's one thing helping, but we are supporting and not getting that dependent tax credit. This is ruining our marriage. I flat out tell my husband that if he dies before me I will not keep his kids in the manner that they are accustomed. I don't make that kind of $$$, not do I agree with paying for adult kids, girlfriends, grandchildren, dependent ex wives, parents of children's girlfriends etc..... My husband wants a new truck and he wanted to take a loan out against our house for it. I told him no take it out against the one that the kids live in that was to be sold 10 years ago that he pays the bills on. I do love my husband, he's a wonderful, intelligent hard working man. When I met my husband he had no job and no home. His wife kicked him out and he went to stay with daughter whom was my neighbor. Everything we have we have built together as a couple. It is not for the taking by the children and certainly not while we are living. I live in fear of liability from the irresponsible step kids and their associates. It's very stressful and effecting our health. Yet my husband prefers to be complacent and continues to shell out. How long should one carry their 30 year old + kids & lazy drug addicted ex-wive ? I think about divorce just to escape the unnecessary drama. Two's company but with a parasitic ex wife and adult children there is little relaxation and enjoyment....See MoreFollow-up to coping with adult stepkids
Comments (3)Do not wait it out there. Call the movers, load up your stuff _now_ and leave. If your DH (and I don't mean "Dear") pulled the "you can't collect your things because your name isn't on the house" crap before, why wouldn't he do it again? And Dad hasn't protected you from his thieving junkie son in all this time even though it's been made clear to him what was going on. He even assaulted you himself when you wanted to call the police (which you were entirely within your rights to do). Then he moved his son into the house when he knew he would be away and you alone. So why should you believe him when he says his son won't be back? Put your stuff in storage if you have to. It will be safer there. And leave now....See Moretheotherside
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