Dealing with adult stepkids
end-of-rope
16 years ago
Featured Answer
Comments (74)
kkny
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolafevem
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Divorcing husband and stepkids at last
Comments (21)Lonepiper, Although I had a very difficult experience with my skids and DH, I have seen enough blended and second family situations to know that not only can they work, the players can actually be happy with each other and love one another. One of the keys (in my opinion) is not to force a family bonding. This was one of my big mistakes. I have a cousin with two kids, now grown but around 5-6 when she married a man with two kids around 7-9 at the time. They never, ever all lived together. This was a deliberate, strategic decision on the part of my cousin and her 2nd husband. Her kids lived with her, his kids lived with his ex-wife out of state. Not far, but still not in the same town. He saw his kids often since the out-of-state location was right down I-95 and not far. They merged the families slowly, trips to Disneyworld and so on, never trying to be parent to the other's kids and not forcing the clan together. 20 years later the kids refer to each other as brother and sister and the parents, really step parents, stay in more of a friendship mode with their respective stepkids vs parent. I know others with similar situations, just not on this board! Yes, I do envision a life with a better partner some day, why not? That doesn't mean that I haven't learned the hard way to not try to force some new "dad" down my son's throat if that ever comes to pass. Or to try to be someone else's "2nd" mom. Uggg. The walls will be pretty thick between any new person and my son for a long while. That's what I've seen works with divorced people and their kids. But going it alone, and of course, who knows if there is a 2nd act for me, is not what I want at all. I hope I can learn from my mistakes as well as what I have read and learned on this board....See MoreLet it go, but how? (Adult stepkids)
Comments (4)Hi Sunnygardenerme, Yes, I do have experience with this situation! Last summer my then 19 y/o SD stayed with my husband and me for her summer break. We allowed this, despite the fact that she rejected us the few years before (classic case of divorce poisoning by her mom)...anyway, we thought we could help her, teach her, etc, and that spending time away from her mother who lies, manipulates, etc. would be good for her. Well, I'm sure it would have been, except that she was a product of her environment...and so had no problem taking my things and then lying about taking them. It started when I couldn't find a sweater...and she heard me looking for it in the morning...and then it turned up in a ball in our office room at home. Well I knew I didn't do that, so I knew she had it and attempted to "return" it. Then a necklace went missing...it was a $20 necklace that was about principle, not value! My husband confronted her and she cried and was appalled that he would suspect his little angel of taking it....no way. He then talked to me and said "I saw the look in her eyes, she is not lying -- you must have misplaced it" (being the control freak I am, I rarely "misplace" things!! LOL!)...anyway, I then went in to talk to her. I though what can I do? she was living with me so I thought I would tell her that if she wants to borrow things, just ask me....etc. Well, thank God that my husband -- who thoroughly believed in her innocence, also had faith in me and that if I was still convinced, perhaps there was truth to it...so he went out to her car to look around and viola! So, he brought it to her room and said "Jess I found this in your car" and her response? "Oh THAT necklace!" She still tried to keep up the lie! We said "stop this....admit it and stop taking things." Well, it didn't stop, she took bras, toiletries, jewelery, shoes, tops, summer dresses, etc....we had talks about it, threatened to throw her out, and then as a final moment came, told her to get out -- she cried and cried, she was so very sorry -- said "please don't make me go back there" (to her mother's house), etc, etc. Well, since she had only a week or so left with us, we agreed to allow her to stay at our house -- but that she couldn't go out after work -- she needed to start to prepare to return to school, etc. Well, the night before she left our house for good (to go on vacation with her mother then back to school), I decided to look through her boxes to be sure she wasn't taking anything of mine. Well, guess what -- there were household items packed up (a stitched pillow that her grandmother made for us, a mug that was made out of her brother's artwork, some party things (hats, streamers) and a jewelery box thing that her deceased grandfather gave to me. So, concluded that she was a thief and a liar and unless she got serious therapy, she was not welcomed in our home alone. We don't make any bones about it -- she has "stolen" (she and her mother prefer to refer to it as her "borrowing" my things, even though she hid them in her car, under her bed and at her mother's house so that I didn't know she "borrowed" them). So, she did nothing about therapy, which we told her she must do back at school and so we are again estranged...... I fear my husband didn't fully understand the depth of my hurt and upset about this until I framed it for him "how would you feel if one of my nephews left from staying with us and you were missing things....?" He then realized how awful it must have felt....she isn't my blood and is going through my drawers and taking whatever she wanted (even my bras for God Sakes!!!) Oh, and I forgot, we had a 4th of July BBQ and my neice-in-law left sunglasses somewhere, and my SD decided she liked them and took them! That neice is the one person she truly cared about in my family (she had mother issues too and reached out to my SD). So, my SD decided to "return" them, but did it at a time when it was obvious that they showed up right after our brief visit to a place they were renting at the shore (so it couldn't have been that they just resurfaced). Ok, sorry to bore you with the details of my story, but the bottom line is that I know how you feel and your husband needs to respect that feeling of being violated. These are adult children who "visit" your home -- it is not their home anymore and they have no right to be there without you. I would put my foot down and insist on this....you have a right to be comfortable in your own home (besides, it used to make me CRAZY because I would be like "did she take it -- did I misplace it and forget where I put it??" etc. etc. It is a horrible feeling..... Good luck.....my husband's faith in my and my veracity helped me to show him what I needed. If your husband trusts in you and truly cares about you, he will listen to you and do what you need to feel safe and comfortable in your own home....See MoreWhat is the FREAKING deal with adult children?
Comments (36)I married a great man. We dated for 5 years before getting married. We have 7 children between us. There are two ex-wives both allergic to work, neglectful mothers with drug and alcohol issues. Two of my step children lived with their mother who was hearing impaired and couldn't crawl out of the bottle. The other two children were kept from their other siblings. Their mother was/is a drug addict who had her son running drugs for her. My husband worked a lot of hours and out of town. Last ex wife took husband to the cleaners, lied about domestic and claimed to have spent her life ensuring her children were raised correctly and self sufficient. The adult kids have been dependent on my husband for over 10 years. He pays the mortgage on the house that was supposed to be sold so his youngest son can live there with his girlfriend and their children. The girlfriend collects welfare, my SS makes good money, they sub-rent the house, they have three times the allowable animals by city ordinance, the house is trashed, and the ex wife her boyfriend, the girlfriend's parents squat there. It's a mess. The people that live frequently live there are criminals with drug & alcohol problems. We just bought a house and I'm always worried about liability. The mother of our grandchildren keeps the kids from us we hardly see them, unless they need $$$ or it's a birthday or holiday. She never finished high school and now she partially home schools our grandaughter. I'm sure it's so she can stay home and run around with her twin sister. My step son is a glazier and makes good $$$ and just hands her his debit card so she can but whatever. They rarely contribute to the expenses of the house. They have stated they want to buy the house and my husband will sell it for what's owed yet year after year they swat. They can't rent anywhere because they have a history of not paying rent, and she's an animal (dog) hoarder. My 35 year old step daughter is a single mother, with drug & alcoholic problems. She uses bi-polar as an excuse for her bad behavior. My husbands picks up the slack for our grandaughter because SD wouldn't turn dad in for child support. Dad is a Mexican national who is an alcoholic and wouldn't work and leaches off his elderly mother and sister. SD is hard on cars and dad helps her out about every 16 months with a car. SD makes decent money but spends it like water eating out, Starbucks, cigarettes ... anything but car repair, paying speeding tickets etc... 30 year old step son is living with us, he hooked up with a meth head that we supported along with her three children. He got a DV for trying to leave her after she attacked him. He then crashed our car, and isn't getting another, despite my husband saying he will buy him car. While spending thousands of $$$ to help him, his mother is doing meth with him. Yes I spend a great deal of time trying to clean this woman's mess but she is mother & grandmother of the year. Good grief! She's now scheming and scamming claiming back problems to try to tap into my husband's social security. My last step son is amazing. He is hearing impaired and works his ass off. His wife was a teen mother who just graduated from college. Their son is well mannered, motivated and grounded. They are wonderful parents, partners and work hard to be self sufficient. My kids are not perfect but I limit how we help them, My youngest is living with us because he can't rent an apt in the current market having a good rental history. He has medical issues in which we help pay for the last surgery. He's 21, works, helps out & pays his bills. My middle child is somewhat disappointing with his recreational drug use, job hopping and pretty much being self centered. He is slow to pay back loans. My oldest pays back loans, works his tail off and lives in someone's attack, so he's at least on his own. My kids aren't going anywhere in life but they try to be self sufficient. I was always the smothering mother, but my husband wanted me to back away. It was hard but I did, and I'm blunt with my children on many subjects. It is not beyond me to pull over and tell my son to get out of my car if he can't be respectful and that the walk to where ever he is going will clear his head. My husband watched his sisters leach off his mother and father until they died. None of those sisters are self sufficient and they are in their late 50's. I'm sick of it because my husband wants to retire as his body is sore from working construction. He can't because he wouldn't cut the kids off. There's one thing helping, but we are supporting and not getting that dependent tax credit. This is ruining our marriage. I flat out tell my husband that if he dies before me I will not keep his kids in the manner that they are accustomed. I don't make that kind of $$$, not do I agree with paying for adult kids, girlfriends, grandchildren, dependent ex wives, parents of children's girlfriends etc..... My husband wants a new truck and he wanted to take a loan out against our house for it. I told him no take it out against the one that the kids live in that was to be sold 10 years ago that he pays the bills on. I do love my husband, he's a wonderful, intelligent hard working man. When I met my husband he had no job and no home. His wife kicked him out and he went to stay with daughter whom was my neighbor. Everything we have we have built together as a couple. It is not for the taking by the children and certainly not while we are living. I live in fear of liability from the irresponsible step kids and their associates. It's very stressful and effecting our health. Yet my husband prefers to be complacent and continues to shell out. How long should one carry their 30 year old + kids & lazy drug addicted ex-wive ? I think about divorce just to escape the unnecessary drama. Two's company but with a parasitic ex wife and adult children there is little relaxation and enjoyment....See MoreFollow-up to coping with adult stepkids
Comments (3)Do not wait it out there. Call the movers, load up your stuff _now_ and leave. If your DH (and I don't mean "Dear") pulled the "you can't collect your things because your name isn't on the house" crap before, why wouldn't he do it again? And Dad hasn't protected you from his thieving junkie son in all this time even though it's been made clear to him what was going on. He even assaulted you himself when you wanted to call the police (which you were entirely within your rights to do). Then he moved his son into the house when he knew he would be away and you alone. So why should you believe him when he says his son won't be back? Put your stuff in storage if you have to. It will be safer there. And leave now....See Moretheotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agovistajpdf
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agotheotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agohelenar
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agotheotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agohelenar
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agonotwicked
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agotheotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agobnicebkind
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agosouthernsummer
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agotheotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolilysuzanne40
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agonotwicked
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agosouthernsummer
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolafevem
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agosouthernsummer
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolafevem
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agonotwicked
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agolafevem
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agonotwicked
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agotheotherside
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agonotwicked
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleen777
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agokkny
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agostepmomofthree
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agonivea
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoAshley
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
15 years agolast modified: 9 years agoShrader456_eatlink_net
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoashley1979
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agodotz_gw
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleenoz
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agodotz_gw
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoend-of-rope
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agodotz_gw
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agossff12rr
8 years agopuzzy38
6 years ago
Related Stories
SHOP HOUZZCyber Week Game Room Deals
Banish boredom with fun games for the whole family at 60% off
Full StoryLIFEA Therapist’s Guide to Dealing With Conflict at Home
Piles of laundry and dirty dishes are a part of cohabitating. Here’s how to accept it and move forward
Full StoryHEALTHY HOMEGet the Lead Out: Lead Safety at Home
Keep your family safe by properly testing for and dealing with lead in old painted surfaces, water and soil
Full StoryLIFE10 Ways to Work Through Grief Triggers During the Holidays
A year after losing her sister, she was facing another holiday. Here’s how one woman learned to find joy again
Full StoryDECORATING GUIDESGet the Scoop on Finding the Best Paint for Your Money
Scoring the best deal on paint for your home may have nothing to do with advertised specials
Full StoryDECORATING GUIDESFull House: 12 Stylish Poker Rooms
These stunning game rooms will make you want to shuffle up and deal
Full StoryFUN HOUZZHow to Build a Really, Really Small House
A four-minute film holds the magnifying glass up to a dollhouse collector smitten with all things small
Full StoryHOUZZ TOURSHouzz Tour: Innovative Home Reunites Generations Under One Roof
Parents build a bright and sunny modern house where they can age in place alongside their 3 grown children and significant others
Full StoryGARDENING GUIDES8 Native Shrubs for Year-Round Bird Feeding
It’s not just about berries. These plants provide insects for birds and seasonal interest for gardeners
Full StoryLIFETell Us: Do You Know How to Live With Your Parents?
If you've tried multigenerational living under one roof, we'd love to hear the details
Full StoryMore Discussions
notwicked