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update on the wedding ordeal

Posted by finedreams (My Page) on
Tue, Jul 28, 09 at 23:24

Just to give an update that three days passed since the wedding and as of today BM never apologized to SO's DD and her husband for hers and BF's behavior.

DD confronted her today over the phone about leaving the wedding, to which BM answered that she had stomach ache and had to leave (without saying good bye to bride, groom, her other daughter and groom's parents or anyone else?). Overall in their brief conversation BM acted like nothing happened at the wedding and the whole trip, like there is nothing to even discuss.

i am actually more shocked about both DDs behavior wiht mom, almost like they enable her behavior by tolerating it. my daughter would never talk to the BF, that's for sure and would not tolerate such behavior from me, possibly she would not talk to me for a long time, if ever.

I am angry that this woman ruined such important event, embarassed everyone (behaving poorly but also bringing inappropriate boyfriend) and yet she comes out of it like nothing happened.

I have hard time understanding it. both DDs have no problem to tell their dad when they dislike something, yet this woman gets away with such awful behavior!!! of course she is the mother and they should have a relationship wiht her but I feel that they allow her to behave this way by doing nothing!!! I hate this woman.

PS apparently such behavior is typical. SO says she would do the most awful things and then pretend next day like nothing happened or make up stories.

Follow-Up Postings:

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

What a mess!!

Thank goodness you & your DH were able to somewhat keep a lid on things. What a selfish woman to behave like this on her daughters wedding day-just awful. I can't imgine how embarrassed she must have been.


RE: update on the wedding ordeal

Co Dependent

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

wild thing, you nailed it. co-dependent, they are co-dependent. I never thought of it.

It also made me think of my father who does not drink at all and overall is not crazy trash but he did some bizzare things including leaving the parties if he doesn't like somehting or fighting wiht us or my mother publically or being pretty nasty to my ex-husband when i was still married and both me and my brother put up wiht that. he got much better with age partially because we stopped tolerating it but when we were in our 20s we just put up wiht that quietly. we always wanted to avoid conflict and keep apperances.

maybe when SO's DDs get older they will become more assertive and less co-dependent.

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

I think in the end, both daughters realize there is really nothing they can do about her behaviour...maybe left speechless....and yes codependant.
Me, if i knew my mother was an alcoholic with her new dh, i would warn them to behave. By day one being drunk by the pool i would have told them to leave and not attend the wedding.
What an awful thing to remember...your mother and her dh pissy drunk and passed out.
I wonder what your SD's husband and his family had to say about it.

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

I agree with the codependant explanation. It's very sad....I just hope that your SO's DD still had some joy and happiness on her wedding day. :(

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

"Me, if i knew my mother was an alcoholic with her new dh, i would warn them to behave. By day one being drunk by the pool i would have told them to leave and not attend the wedding.
I wonder what your SD's husband and his family had to say about it."

Mother and her BF were told to behave and they were warned. To tell them to leave and not attend would cause a major scandal and a fight, mother is unpredictable and her BF is even worse. They would start a major scandal and ruin everything even worse. BM is not married to him, he is not DH. BM was told not to bring him but then BM threatened that she won't show up either. SD was too embrassed not to have her mother there and too scared of consequences. BM is a dirty fighter.

As about groom's family, they understood that if BM and her BF choose to make A$$es out of themselves, then SD can't do anything about it. They didn't hold that against anyone. We don't choose our parents.

I just naivelly expected her to apologize to her daughters for inappropriate behavior of herself and her BF and not helping at the wedding, she never did.

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

tell an alcoholic not to drink!


*You* cannot control an alcoholic's drinking or behavior;
the *alcoholic* cannot control his/her drinking or behavior.

You gotta keep them away from any event you don't want ruined.


"the *alcoholic* cannot control his/her drinking or behavior. "

I have to disagree here. This woman works as a high school teacher, which means she controls her alcohol intake for the duration of a school day, she sings in a church choir which means she is sobber for the duration of a service. So she can control herself. i assume she behaves at work and at church. So she has control over her actions. She can be sobber. Her BF drinks all day long so i agree he has no control.

but her? why could she stay sobber for a school day but chooses to be wasted at her daughter's wedding? I believe it was a choice.

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

ok, say she can control her drinking.

She doesn't control it.

Maybe I should have said,
"You cannot control an alcoholic's drinking, & you cannot rationally expect the alcoholic to control it because you tell him/her to behave."

This is one of those "let the buyer (daughter/party-giver/hostess) beware" situations.

This woman gets drunk at every social occasion.

Daughter knows she gets drunk at every social occasion.

Daughter can invite her & know that her occasion will be ruined & that she will be embarrassed.

or she can tell her mother to stay away & make sure that she has ushers or someone to escort the mom off the premises.


totally agree, but they are co-dependent so they do not say "NO" to mom. even when she stands her daughters up (she does that to, says she will pick them up when they have no car, but never does-reasons: overslept, was sick, had to work, lost her cell phone, forgot etc,) they still sit and wait next time that she would do what she said. never happens.

next event to be ruined will be DD20's college graduation next summer. I think I will skip that one, I will find an excuse not to be there.

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

No no! Don't find an excuse not to be there.
BM will cause a disaster, and your SO's DD will likely benefit from having some sane parental figures present.
You and SO have been together quite awhile, and plan to continue being together, right? Well, by my definition, that makes you family, and families are there for each other, whether it's going to be a pleasant event, or whether a drunken nutjob is going to cause a scene.

Assuming you and SO stay together long-term, his DD's will remember in the years to come "Finedreams came to our graduations and weddings, and has tried to support us in a good relationship with our dad." This will make things better in the years to come.

Yeah, it's a year away, but try to think of the good in being supportive of his DD's and not the bad of their crazy BM.

RE: update on the wedding ordeal

you are right, ceph, I was not serious about not going to graduation, just talking, plus who knows what happens in the future. DD27 already told me that I was like a mother to her at the weeding and she is forever grateful that I was there. you are absolutelly right.

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