How do I deal with my step-father? (long, sorry)
hopeless
17 years ago
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hopeless
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
How can I help my Mother get over losing my Father suddenly?
Comments (7)Karen, if your family is anything like mine, until you lost your Dad, you hadn't seen a lot of loss or grief for someone. It's hard to watch it (and experience it!) I think I'd probably just call my Mom, if I were you, and ask her to your house to eat, to go out, to watch activities that the kids are involved in, etc. Let her know that it's okay to not be in the mood to do anything. Also let her know that you really WANT her to be involved in whatever your family is doing. My Mom has spent the night at my house two nights since my Dad passed away. Get this, I had to break my ankle and have surgery in order to get her to do that! LOL I kid her that having surgery is the only way she'll stay at my house overnight! LOL We live 80 miles apart and I call her everyday - usually twice a day. We've talked more by phone in the last four years than we'd ever talked in our lives. My DH and I and our kids and grandkids make it a point to at least spend part of every holiday at her house. She likes to stay home, so we go to her. I DO feel sometimes at her house, when everyone is there but Daddy, that there's the proverbial "big gray elephant" in the house that no one mentions. You know what I mean? Everybody is highly aware of the fact that he's no longer with us, but nobody wants to talk about it for fear of upsetting somebody else! Now, when it's just my Mom and me together, we cry (and laugh!) when we feel the need to. That's something else that I haven't thought to mention. Let her cry when she feels the need to cry. I guess you don't have to say a word, just be there for her. She and I both have talked about the fact that Fathers are the HEAD of most families. Then, as women, we both agree that the Mothers are the HEART of the family. Maybe you can reassure her in that way that she IS a vital, needed part. ((Karen))...See Morewhat to do with troublesome family members (sorry, very long)
Comments (7)My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS...See MoreToo quiet step-father makes my children feel disliked
Comments (6)OMG! I just HAD to post to this one. You sound as if you are telling MY story! I posted my own question a couple weeks ago regarding the same type of man. I can tell you from first hand experience that this guy is not going to change. If anything things will only get worse from this point on. I know that's hard to hear and not what you want to hear. I've been there. I too was wishing for advice or some magic potion to make him 'see' what he was doing. I blamed myself, I hated the way he treated my kids. I let it go on for way to long. I kept hoping and wishing that one day I'd wake up and things would be different. I did finally wake up but looking back I know I should have gotten out a long time ago. Sweetie... for YOUR sake and YOUR KIDS, GET OUT of that situation. Start now preparing to move on with your life. I can tell you that it's only going to get worse. I'm speaking from experience here. I finally did something about my situation. I filed for divorce (yesterday) and he moved out. I can't even express the calm and the peace I feel with him out of the house. My children simply glowed this morning. It's only going to get better for us I just feel it. Granted it's going to be tough financially but hey.. it's worth it to have that man out of our house. Above all else, don't blame yourself. The best thing you can do for your children is show them that no human being has to settle for that type of behavior. It's simply unacceptable. I made up so many excuses over the years for my husbands behavior. Always telling the children just to stay quiet and out of his way when he was home. We were prisoners to his paycheck. So scared that we couldnt make it without him. But I reached the point to where I wasn't scared of that anymore. It scared me more to think about what he was doing to my children's mental well being. I tried everything to get my husband to see what he was doing. He was so deep in denial that he would never admit to being the problem or even having a problem. It was 'all the kids fault' and my fault because he had no interactions with the kids. I'm talking... This man wold walk right past us on his way out of the house or into the house and not even look in our direction. He didn't even acknowledge our existance!! I never understood how he could not even speak. I thought how rude! Well, it's his loss. I hope the silence in his new place is killing him. Meanwhile my house is filled with laughter. It feels like we've come out of a long winter. Even the sunshine is brighter today. If you'd like to email me you may do so at lacey2010@yahoo.com If I can do anything to help you, even if it's just listening please email me. I know first hand how difficult that type of situation can be. I know what it feels like to have your heart torn out day after day wishing,hoping and praying for even the slightest glimpse of hope that something is going to change. The sad truth is... men like these never change. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that you'll email me....See Morelosing my patience! (sorry it is long)
Comments (9)This is what I would do. I might even take "just her" out of school on one particular day, and I would arrange it ahead of time with her teacher on a day when little was happening. And I would tell her that, say that on Tuesday (or what ever day you choose) is _______ day. (insert her name). Tell her on that day, she is going to have a special day. You are not rewarding bad behavior, but instead, getting her back on track with your family. It would be a day when just the two of you go out to a special lunch. You go for a long walk while the other kids are in school. You hand her a piece of paper that says "pass" on it, and tell her that this special paper gives her the opportunity to say and talk about whatever she wants to say. Even if it "hurts" for you to hear...let her get it out. And simply listen...really, really listen, and try not to be defensive, etc. Let her talk about what is on her heart, and about her time with her mother. Just let her get it out, and bite your tongue as best you can, as she tells you things you may or may not want to hear. I am imagining that since you and your DH have custody of her, and that her mother moved out of state away from her child, that this "mother" is not mother of the year. Was this young girl "safe" while with her mother? Could something have "happened" or do you simply think that it is as simple as her mother bad mouthing you and your DH, to try and make herself look better in her daughters eyes? Could the slowness be depression or profound discouragement and hopeless feelings created by a mother who "chooses" to be absent from her little girls life? Could it be a young girl who struggles internally with the conflicts over the disappoint with who this mother of hers really is, and not understanding these feelings or how to cope with them? Let her talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And then you will know what she is struggling with, and what is creating the problems. Some of the problems may go away, simply because she is able to talk about them and get them out, and not keeping them inside creating havoc. I would work with her so that the feelings she is experiencing do not take hold and turn into anger, rage, and all that can make a teenager so difficult. Yes, part of the behavior is part of being 11. And yet, this young girl has more going on than that. Most cannot imagine their "mother" abandoning them at such an age. I remember reading about the actress Meg Ryan whose mother did this, and the pain this caused the actress for years. How she will have no relationship with this mother who abandoned her as a young girl. It might also be the time to talk to her about the "facts of life" and I love the idea of a special box filled with girl goodies, like feminine products, deodorant, lip gloss, etc, for you and she to anticipate and acknowledge the changes that will be coming in the next year or two. IMO, you can get a lot more of what you want from her with honey (understanding) than with anger and punishment. ***I want to add that depending on her fathers personality and relationship with his daughter, all of this might be better if her dad does this with with his young daughter. He might better be able to discuss the things on her heart regarding her mother (and the disappointments) the divorce from her mother, the behavior of her mother, and perhaps some of the things her mother may have told her. If you both decide that your husband should open up these lines of communication with his daughter, tell him to listen...listen...and listen and let her simply "talk" and get all of this out. Sometimes, feeling really "heard and understood" can relieve feelings of depression, etc. But to me, what this child needs more than anything is to talk and work through some of what she must be feeling about her mother, and the disappointment in her, and the guilt for being disappointed, and the realization deep down of who this mother of hers really is, and her lack of presence in her daughter life. Is she the oldest? Does she have a natural sibling that lives with her, or are the other children in the house yours, or children you and her father had together, after getting married? I guess to help you feel compassion, instead of frustration and anger with her, is to try and understand her. Can you imagine if your own parents had divorced, and you went to live with your father and his new wife. And your mom just moved away, out of state for either a job, or a lover, and you were left behind? Even though your dad's new wife might be nice enough, there would still be a struggle over why your mom moved away, and left you. Ya know? I think you are doing a good job in trying to help this young girl, and trying to work with her, and understand her struggles. This is just my take on the whole thing. And last, because she struggles in school, can you find something that she is good at, and encourage her in this area, so that she feels good about herself. For example, is she creative and can you help her to learn to choose recipes and cook special meals once a week for the family. Make sure that the other children in the family are positive about her efforts. She could watch the cooking show and try making a simple dinner, letting her do most of it but you being nearby to lend a hand here and there, but give her all of the credit and make a big deal out of her efforts. Or a sport, etc., so that she builds good feelings about herself. It must be hard to be the one in school who struggles so, because there are always those "perfect" girls who are so bright and their parents make sure they are on top. Perhaps you could explain to her that every one has gifts, and where she may struggle in one area, she may excel in another. And the students who are so bright, will have other areas where they have struggles others may not know about. That some may be great in math, but find vocab a struggle. others may find vocab a breeze, but struggle with math. Anyway, help her find something to feel good about, because a mother's abandonment can set her up right off the bat to feel bad about herself. Anyway, hang in there, and I applaud your efforts at helping this young girl!...See Morebrass_tacks
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