How do I deal with my step-father? (long, sorry)
hopeless
17 years ago
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hopeless
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
How Do I Deal With My Husband's Anger?
Comments (13)I totally understand your situation, but I do want to ask about his "growing up" time. Was he raised in a family without a lot of stable conditions? By that, I mean "of the same" or "not normal conditions, should I say? My husband too was brought up in a "not so good environment, and he's #4 of 8 children, and it was a rough up-bringing for them all to some degree. Some areas affected some more than others, but this being said, does help to know the basis of the stem. Most of the 7 children (as 1 did die at the age of 18 in 1990) are on anti-depression medication, and have been diagnogsed as bi-polar, or something of similair. I've been married to the love of my life for 27 yrs this Oct. and let me tell you the last 3 haven't been fun at all. Most of the marriage has had it's times, but, it's like in full force now with the anger. In fact we've really fallen apart bad a few times lately, but we're starting counseling and marriage classes with a christian church this Friday. It's going to be ongoing. I just know it will. But I see you're stuggle, and you're doing the right thing by researching, and reaching out for advise or anything that may work. I've been there for quite some time, and you may want to google....Passive Aggressive. It sounds like you're really in a relationship with a husband with that condition. There's no cure, but it helps by you understanding. And not calling him out on it, as I knew I couldn't either as I don't have a degree to do so, but maybe even baby steps to help him see what he's actually doing. That's been my husband's problerm, and a passive agressive person always blames YOU! for everything. Even if it's black and white plain as day, and you had nothing to do with it, but it's you're fault and it will come down on your shoulders. Look it up, and not just one site, but many to fully understand, and let me know your thoughts. I'm the type that I believe I can fix anything, and i've been scared on this, even though i'm giving my best effort, but I can't throw this away until I know I've tried and down all that I can do. Sex, was getting scarce for a couple years, but i've even got that back to a couple times a week now. Awesome on that, until we argue, and then it just seems that he must take it to the extreme, and it doesn't stop until I take the larger part of the blame and reconcile. Just not what I intend to do for the rest of my life. I am 46 and he is 49, and we've just got to make this work, or else. 3 children, all grown and moved out, so that's a struggle also I'm thjinking, but it stems from his passive aggressive behavior and upbringing in such a passive household. Good Luck, and keep me posted...See MoreLosing the love of my life (sorry long)
Comments (5)Well for the past 2 weeks he has acted like a jerk he says we have other problems which are stupid and have been a part of our lives forever, 1 was I finish his sentences, I said just say I know the rest of the sentence thanks, I do not even realize I do this. Prior to this crap he has always treated me well taken good care of me and is a great Dad. His affair was a long time ago and we have moved past that but he knows how I feel about his hometown. Just all this has brought it back to the surface for me. His Dad is 82 and dealt with cancer twice last year so I know he would love to see him and he feels he is killing 2 birds with one stone by going there to do his thinking. I feel he is killing our marriage. I really do love him, have since I was 14 can't even envision my life without him, but may not have a choice. I also am a true believer in once shame on you twice shame on me I will not stick around for that....See MoreHow would handle this? Very long - sorry.
Comments (33)Ok, portrait aside...I think there is a bigger problem. Why are you calling all the shots? Have you asked your siblings if they even want to be in the picture and what they think about who should be in it and what you are doing? Get on the phone and ask them... I would never just arrange to have a pic with me and my siblings without going over with them who would be in it, etc. I think it's the fact that you appear to be controlling everything and everyone that may be the real problem. "Your plan" really doesn't matter if it brings heartache to any one family, marriage or wife. It really doesn't matter how many photos you've gone through or how much better or easier the pic would look with just you six. If you are hurting someone, you need to rethink your options. And I gotta tell you from a traditional etiquette standpoint, not including spouses can be kind of harsh... they are either considered part of the family or they are not. I think it's naive to think you're not gonna ruffle some feathers. Although your idea may be best...you didn't allow others who should have had a say in it, vote, so now not only is it not the best idea but hardly anyone will be happy with it. Back to the drawing board......See MoreI'm the mean step father
Comments (5)Why do you feel the need to justify your position?? Are any of us perfect?? Least of all ourselves?? Hate to let you in on this little surprise. BUT... You aren't perfect. Your wife isn't perfect. Neither are ANY of your sons/stepsons. The boy is still a child -- may be in the body of a man, but still growing to be a man. Since you've raised 3 boys you already know this, right? Of course, HE doesn't think this way at all. He's already a man, so HE thinks. Regardless of his apparent immaturity and seeming unwillingness to contribute to the household, the truth is... he has HIS own experience and that is NO LESS than any of our own. He is his OWN human being full of joy, wonder, and certainly deficiencies. Because of that and the fact that we are parents it is SO easy for all of us to focus on the negative. Sometimes that is ALL we ever focus on. It is part of our job to guide our children and as they get older -- our guidance begins to have less and less effect -- you already know this too I'm sure. But sometimes it's like we get tunnel vision and can't see how lovely forest is overall for all the poison ivy in the trees. Or in the Mom's case, she still sees her wonderful, sweet little toddler and remembers all the horrible things that happened in her past that her sweet child saw, gets consumed by her guilt and lets the guidance part slide. (As a bio-Mom, I do this too and it does aggravate the situation especially in the long run -- I fully admit this). I think, from what you've said and what Mom has said, you BOTH really are on the same wavelength here. You each have your own slant and your own justifications BUT you still agree something isn't quite right. You BOTH feel the child has some room for improvement. And why not? What child doesn't? Because he is older the trick is how to EMPOWER THE CHILD to feel the need to contribute. So... I think that you and Mom somehow/someway need to come up with positive ways to encourage this child to contribute to the household. Either monetarily or through chores or both or something. Mom will hold more sway over the son simply because of the bond so she must TOTALLY embrace the ideas you BOTH come up with. When children contribute it does build self-esteem and a positive self image and when children hear OVER AND OVER again what a good job they have done and what a wonderful member of the household they are, it only naturally carries over to their confidence and helps them move into society (and out of the house) only that much MORE quickly. So maybe my theory might work for you and bio-Mom, first require contribution (you both have that right it IS YOUR house and if he doesn't want to, he can move out) then notice what this child does right, notice it LOUD, notice it OFTEN. Make big deals out of it. Do this consistently and I'll bet that the situation improves. Your own household will benefit greatly from a higher focus on the positive instead of the negative. After all, we all love REAL praise don't we? We are just human. Q...See Morebrass_tacks
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