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Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

Posted by livelaughlove (My Page) on
Tue, Jul 2, 13 at 21:55

I can't seem to cope with the fact of knowing my fiance has a child... We recently got engaged and next thing you know I am getting a phone call for my fiance to go in and have a paternity test. Well in the end to find out it is his. The child is 2 years old and just now finding out it is his child. My fiances dad has been seeing the child already and yet my fiance has been keeping it from me and hasn't been telling me anything. He doesn't want to ever talk to me about it.. I just don't know how to deal with it... I thought I was going to be his first for the child which made me so happy, but now everything is changing and I don't know how to deal with it especially now that he is starting to keep things from me and lie. He doesn't think anything is going to change, and in all reality it is going to change things... I just don't know if I can handle the drama that's about to come.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

1- A relationship should not be predicated on your being the "first"to have a child with the person you love
2- A relationship _should_ be predicated on both parties being open and honest with each other, and not lying and keeping things from each other.
Because of the second, in your shoes I would cut my losses and move on to find someone who isn't going to lie to me when things get awkward/tough. What else is he going to lie about?


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

Until you sort out whether or not you can give up your dream of giving this man his first child, you need to call of the engagement. The child isn't going to poof and your BF can't turn back the hands of time. If you have your heart set on you and BF sharing all the 'first' together, you're engaged to the wrong man. It isn't going to happen.

But, yeah, I'd be really concerned on the fact BF hide this from you. If the phone call had not come in, exactly when would he have told you? He believes a child in his life isn't going to change anything? Silly man. Even if he choses to have no contact with child (which is not so as grandpa is already interacting with child), there is the next 16 yrs of child support. CS will certainly change all the finances in bf's world.

if you can't deal with the idea you won't be having first baby, how are you going to feel when 20% or more of BF's income goes out the door to support this child?

If he has kept you in the dark about a child, what else might there be currently and yet to come? If there is not trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. Do you always want to doubt what BF says/does is truthful and upfront? Not a good way to begin a life together.


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

This is only the beginning of the kind of life that is ahead of you. I think you should rethink your involvement with this man.


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

The sad part is, is when CS decided to call for the PT test they got my number somehow to call and get a hold of him... Part of me wants to try and stick it out because I love him so much, but then the other part is idk if I can cuz he has been keeping me in the dark here and there about things. And the only time whatever he is keeping from me comes out is when we get in an argument. I've told him that maybe we need to just take a step back have a week to ourselves to really think... He just has the issue of just looking at thennow and not the big picture of what is, and how it is going to change the future. And the worst feeling is, is it seems like his Dad just took matters into to his own hands and is getting involved and running his sons life... Which is one thing I won't deal with. And he isn't realizing what his dad is doing... I just wish he would just actually sit and think about the big picture. ( I'm not saying that he should have nothing to do with the child.)


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

If your fiance caves to his father control, I think that is as bad as keeping secrets


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

"he has been keeping me in the dark here and there about things."

"here & there"???
"things"???

This is a personality characteristic or a behavioral pattern.

It's shown up in at least one very graphic way *before* you're even married, when people are typically on their best behavior.

After marriage, it gets worse, & worse, & worse.

& this stuff about his dad "seeing" the child & "taking matters into his own hands" is rubbish;
this grown man, this father of a toddler, knew very well that he has a child, & he withheld it from you until he was forced to admit it.

Blaming his dad because he (the fiance) got caught is flimsy, lame, & despicable.

not the kind of person with whom a nice young woman wants to build a future & have a family.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

Honey, run! Run far, run fast. This is not going to get better.


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

Its easy for people to say run and get out of this relationship, but if you're truly in love with him, it's not an easy thing to do. I'm sure you already know that. I think you have to do a few things. First, if you can't accept that he has a child and you're not "his first", then move on because it is what it is and it's not going to change. There is a child involved and it's not fair if you go into this relationship with some bitterness that could affect this child later on. If you are truly in love with this man and can't live without him, then accept that he has a child, accept that you need to be a loving stepmom to this child and have a heart to heart sit down with your fiance to let him know that and most of all, that there can be no more lying/deception. I'm not making excuses for his lying at all, but it's possible that he knew how you would react and how you want to be his first and that's why he was embarrassed and scared to say anything. If you let him know that you're supportive of the fact that he now has a child, hopefully he'll be more forthcoming in the future. If not, move on. And I'd also wait a while if you do get married, before having a child. Wait and see how he does with being a father to this other child before you put another child into the picture. If he's not a loving, supportive father to his first child, do you really want him to father your child? I would think not. Bottom line, you can't re-write history, accept the current situation or move on. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.


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RE: Dealing with the fact my fiance has a child

Its easy for people to say run and get out of this relationship, but if you're truly in love with him, it's not an easy thing to do. I'm sure you already know that. I think you have to do a few things. First, if you can't accept that he has a child and you're not "his first", then move on because it is what it is and it's not going to change. There is a child involved and it's not fair if you go into this relationship with some bitterness that could affect this child later on. If you are truly in love with this man and can't live without him, then accept that he has a child, accept that you need to be a loving stepmom to this child and have a heart to heart sit down with your fiance to let him know that and most of all, that there can be no more lying/deception. I'm not making excuses for his lying at all, but it's possible that he knew how you would react and how you want to be his first and that's why he was embarrassed and scared to say anything. If you let him know that you're supportive of the fact that he now has a child, hopefully he'll be more forthcoming in the future. If not, move on. And I'd also wait a while if you do get married, before having a child. Wait and see how he does with being a father to this other child before you put another child into the picture. If he's not a loving, supportive father to his first child, do you really want him to father your child? I would think not. Bottom line, you can't re-write history, accept the current situation or move on. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.


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