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Who makes changes?

Posted by myfampg (My Page) on
Wed, Jul 27, 11 at 21:24

If non custodial is to pick up child on a specific day at a specific time but emails 3 hours before said pick up time that they cannot pick up child until the following day after work, what is one to do?
I'm trying to decide how to respond.

I can't take off work all day tomorrow to stay home with Dd until BD gets off to pick her up and I do not have child care for her. My mom keeps her but she made plans to go out of the area for the day since this was planned months ago by Bd. Dd can go with my mom but won't be home until after said pick up time. She can't adjust this timeframe because she is going to an appointment that can't be changed now.

Should we change all of our plans because Bd couldn't follow through or is it reasonable to ask him to now work around our schedule?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Who makes changes?

I think it's totally reasonable to ask him to work around your schedule since HE changed things.

That's what we would do in that situation. And the same goes in reverse. If DH or I had a sudden change and could not for whatever reason get SS, we would work with BM and accomodate her schedule.

Basically (assuming BM's in a good mood!) whichever parent is being flexible is the one who should be accomodated.

YOU are being flexible. :-)


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RE: Who makes changes?

he has to accommodate you, not the other way around, he needs to either find ways to get DD on time or he needs to give up visitation this week

it's been long since i had to deal with crap but my ex used to do things like that quiet often

he had to pick DD up at 6PM on Friday, but would pick her up instead early morning Saturday (we are sleeping) claiming that it makes no difference OR he was supposed to pick her up Saturday morning but would show up Friday night instead (we are not even ready)UUGGHHH I miss DD being little but I don't miss any of this crap...


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RE: Who makes changes?

It's all him baby. Stand your ground.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Ok I did. We shall see. I was understanding yet not a doormat. I didn't say 'it's ok' I simply said, 'we have a conflict here is what my offer is, let me know if that will work for you, if not please make another suggestion with the schedule I have provided'.
He is only to get her for a few days. She will be back Sunday morning. He has picked her up at 8 am before so if he is willing to get her Friday morning then I would be willing to allow her to come home later Sunday. We will see. It's been a long time since we have had this come up.

I was a little shocked he told ME when he would be here since he couldn't be here when he originally told ME he would be here. I think if it were the other way around, seeing that I know he works full Time, it's a week day not a weekend, I would have said, since I can't get her 'will it be ok' for me to get her at this time instead? But nope, he actually said 'i WILL get her at this time' which turned my evening into trying to figure out how to work with it and stress over fighting with him if I didn't figure it out.

That's when I remembered something someone said here once. 'my job may not be important to you, but it's damn important to ME!' I can't just take off an entire day because he has to work late ... Ridiculous. What if I planned a weekend get away while he had her?? And was flying out early tomorrow morning?


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RE: Who makes changes?

"he has to accommodate you, not the other way around, he needs to either find ways to get DD on time or he needs to give up visitation this week "

Yup. But in your case, I'd even go further and inform him that DD will be available at scheduled time for her next visitation - because he is unable to pick her up as scheduled for this one, and now that door is closed. What's he going to do - complain that you won't "co-parent"? Take away DD's cell phone? Refuse to let her shower? Oh wait - he already does those things!


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RE: Who makes changes?

Man you guys are tough. I know the initial response is to put it all on the BD....but I have to jump in here and say that I have yet to see a reason for his change in plans.

If its fishing with the guys, watching a game at someone's house, or something like that...then all your replies are completely justified...although it sounds like he is normally pretty good about keeping to the schedule, so I am a little surprised with some of the "zero-tolerance policy" type attitudes...yikes.

If his boss said to him "we gotta burn the candles the next couple days to get this stuff done...", well that's an entirely different story. Work is work....it takes precedence over lots of other things, especially when you are not the boss who makes the schedules.

My ex and I work pretty well with this stuff. When changes in plans are wanted by one of use do to personal reasons...we ask. If it's work-related (business trip for me, late night at the hospital or a seminar or something for her), then it's just understood that it's part of the deal and make the best of it. Of course, as much advanced warning for the change in plans is always appreciated.


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RE: Who makes changes?

The pick-up it seems is the one and only 'rule' ex seems to stick to. He has to be the one to pick-up daughter. I would imagine that the only reason you were notified was because SM can't pull up and beep her horn and have DD run out. First time she tried that Myfam would (hopefully)phone police for tresspassing and attempted kidnapping.

Kinda funny that the only 'rule' never thought of to break is the one that what get SM's buns in trouble. If SM thought she could get away with it, she'd send her ex to pick DD up LOL.

I'm with Mattie on this one, 'sorry ex, she'll be ready to go with you on the next scheduled visitation'. Myfam already has rights of first refusal yet if ex were not the one that is ordered to pick her up, Myfam would have never been informed Dad is not going to be around.

The jerk has no rights to try to arrange your/your parents schedules at the last second just to please him...especially when he/Sm just tossed violation after violation at you this summer. It's one thing to mutually agree and to work something out, but this guy/Sm spits at Myfam repeatedly. I'd feel no obligation to ask Gma to take daughter along, for me to see about taking day off or to consider leaving daughter alone (ex would love the last one, then he could *itch about kid left alone). Nope, he can see her on his next regular scheduled visitation.

While I understand Myfam trying to be the cooperative parent, the one willing to work things out for daughter's benefit blah blah blah, this Dad/Sm would run her right over with a semi without so much as honking a horn of warning first. I'd feel no obligation to mess with my own or my parents household schedule just because ex's schedule got switched at the last minute. Not my problem.


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RE: Who makes changes?

"First time she tried that Myfam would (hopefully)phone police for tresspassing and attempted kidnapping."

OK that's just insane. There's right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate...but my god, KIDNAPPING? Jeez thank god my ex and I are reasonable and rational people and not drawn into creating drama like that.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Mkroopy, I'm not sure that you're aware of the backstory with myfampg and her ex and his wife.

His wife (myfampg's DD's SM) ASSAULTED myfampg and, I believe, the DD, as well.

BD had supervised visitation and court ordered therapy for a long time. He and his wife have just recently been allowed to have his DD for overnight visits; and right out of the starting gate, they've violated pretty much every order in the parenting plan.

These are not reasonable people. I completely understand what you're saying about "thank God you and your ex are reasonable." Myfampg is very reasonable; her ex-DH is not. That complicates and changes the situation drastically in terms of her reactions and responses.

You cannot apply logic and reason to unreasonable people.


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RE: Who makes changes?

"There's right and wrong, appropriate and inappropriate...but my god, KIDNAPPING? Jeez thank god my ex and I are reasonable and rational people and not drawn into creating drama like that. "

mkroopy, exactly. Myfampg's ex is absolutely not reasonable and/or rational and his new wife is worse, which is why advice directed to her is not the same as posters would be suggesting to someone else. There is a search function which you can use to view older postings if you'd like to know the backstory.


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RE: Who makes changes?

not to mention, mkroopy, that the every last time this particular SM did pick up DD from Myfam's home police had to be called and this woman attacked MyFam.

We are not just giving out general generic advice to a non-known poster. Most of us have followed Myfam's posting since for months.

I do agree parents need to co-parent and work together, but go read the backstory here on this one...there is no reasoning and coparenting with this ex/SM.


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RE: Who makes changes?

mkroopy, I totally agree under normal circumstances it would be OK to make different arrangements.

But this situation is different, this gut violates court order on a consistent basis (doesn't allow phone calls, picks up DD for a visitation but then sends her to stay with his wife's exDH-single man for 5 days, until recently he was allowed only supervised visitations and SM was not allowed around at all, SM physically attacked myfam and physically abused DD) these people are a mess big time.

"My ex and I work pretty well with this stuff. " sure we did too, but we never had any of the horror myfam and her DD go through. She needs to follow rules and court order dealing with these people.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Thank you all for supporting me. It's def. Not a 'co parenting' situation. Hince the need to 'parallel parent'.
Ex's job is absolutely important and things come up, but this is ALL the time. He was even told by the judge, maybe you should find a job that would allow you to be a parent more. Of course I am not waiting for Bd to quit his job because his boss expects him to work late often but why should my boss be understanding that I have to leave or take off because HIS job is more important. Sacrifice. I do it all the time for Dd and I'm happy to work for a family friendly company but I get tired of the expectation that 'oh well, you figure it out'.

He is going to pick her up at the time I designated to him as a suggestion but not without letting me know what an inconvenience it is for him. Its not earlier than he suggested, it's only one hour.
But he says he goes to the gym and will have to 'cancel' his appointment. Well I'll be damned! Absolutely cancel that damn appointment. If I had to deal with finding child care for YOU because YOUR plans changed because work was so important then yes please cancel your gym appointment and be a father.

DD says that ex Mr. Sm is out of town (not sure how she would know this except they told her he would be when she comes back) so we do know that he won't be showing up at my door lol but that would be so funny if he did.
If SM showed up to pick up Dd I wouldn't call the police just because I know there is nothing they can do. I might think about it though. There is no order that says she can't pick her up NOW. That's all been dropped since our order was put into place. She can't come to my door but she can pull up and I can send Dd out. Sometimes I can't tell who is driving but I know it's their car ... She won't show up though. She is scared of goin to jail again. I don't think she liked it much last time she got to call the place home so she stays away from my neighborhood.

I just hate how he thinks he is more important.
Also. When I said I Did not have child care in place for tomorrow and Dd would be able to stay with grandparents, he was sure to tell me that HE pays child support and Dd should be in daycare. Well... She doesn't have to be in daycare if a willing and capable family member is willing to keep her. Dd would flip if I took her to daycare. She Loves being home this summer. When I work she stays with my mom. When Bd works she stays with his wife. Can someone explain to me how that is different? Or how he thinks he can tell me how to spend HIS child support. I believe the order says, custodial parent has the exclusive right to receive and dispurse child support payments from non custodial parent. Does not say how I spend it. I am responsible but come on!! How is it his right to say I should be paying a stranger to care for our child instead of letting her be with family? AND I do give them money. Because they have to feed her and they take her places and do fun things and buy her things. It's non of his business. If it was, the order would say, custodial parent must show itemized receipt for use of non custodial parents child support payments. Am I right?


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RE: Who makes changes?

You are very right myfampg. You don't have to show him how it's spent nor do you have to explain it to him.

We deal with this all the time. Especially from ss bm. She ALWAYS changes her plans and she ALWAYS expects us to just go with what she wants. That's another thing I'm tired of doing. I have a life and I don't want to live it around hers. The parent whose time it is to be should be the one making the arrangements for care of the child.... or to make sure they are ontime with pickup/drop off.

I don't know how many times I've had to deal with rearranging my life to accomodate that woman.... or for that matter really, my ds16 bd. Ds16 will be able to drive soon enough and that'll all be over. But ss is only almost 11. UGH!! I'm glad you stood up for yourself though.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Ok, I understand. I don't spend that much time on this board that I know the background of the people, so I was just going from that was written in THIS thread. It seemed like a big over-reaction to me...but I guess if I knew the background I would have understood why.


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RE: Who makes changes?

I think a lot of NCPs think they can change plans at-will because CPs don't really have a choice. Like if X couldn't pick up DS, I have no choice but to keep him and make arrangements for him.

X's money is more important than mine. For example, X doesn't get DS for a month in the summer like he is supposed to (doesn't get DS his one weekday night, either). That first summer he thought I was supposed to continue paying for daycare for the month he had DS and wouldn't let me have visitation. Oh and GF had planned to go on all these field trips with the daycare. When I pointed out that in the papers it says the person who has posession has to provide all necessities such as clothes and childcare, he flipped a lid (mind you he was not paying any CS during the first year we were divorced). So he kept him that month and had GF stay home with him all day, still didn't allow me any visitation. Hasn't taken his month since then, or any extended time for that matter. So that leaves me with having to arrange/pay for it.

What else am I supposed to do? You can't MAKE someone come get their child, plus it would make me "look" like I want to get rid of DS if I were to take him back for contempt for not taking his alotted visitation.

X's sleep is more important than mine, too. Just in May, DS was getting ready for school and DH and I were getting ready for work, and I needed to make arrangements for DS to get to baseball practice because my first option backed out. So I texted X at 6:48 AM asking if he would be able to pick DS up for baseball practice (he was the assistant coach, BTW). He texted me back at 8 AM telling me yes and to not text him so early because he was still asleep. I was so friggin furious! How come HIS son is up getting ready for school and worried how he's going to get to practice, and we have to be considerate of X's sleep needs? BS! It was a TEXT, not a call, and it's not like I do it all the time. He could choose to ignore it. See...here's the thing...I'm supposed to be mindful of X's sleep, but X doesn't have to be mindful of DS's schedules.


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RE: Who makes changes?

That's how it is Ashley, always has been for me too. All the way around. Part of the reason ds11 bd never saw him is because during the first three years he was not allowed over night visits. He would call me and tell me to bring him to him so he could see him. I would simply say "I don't have to make that drive"... then he'd drop it. If he was in my town or I had plans to drive to his I'd let him see him. If he would have said.... meet me half way, I'd have done it. That never happened. He never really wanted him to begin with.

With ds16 his bd has cancelled soooooo many times I can't even count. When ds16 was 4 1/2 he asked me why daddy didn't like him anymore. That kinda woke bd up. He's been better since. BUT... I still have to make all the arrangements for EVERYTHING. ALL sports practices/games, ALL school events, just everything. I ALWAYS paid for daycare. I don't think bd for ds16 has EVER taken him for more then one week. He's never asked.

Now.... ss bm.... she would constantly ask us to do her favors. Changing the time EVERY WEEK!!! At one time we met her in one city along with ds16 bd to do the exchange. We ALWAYS had to go on her schedule. ds16 bd would get sooooooo mad. I told him to take it up with her while we were there. LOL!!! I'd love to have seen that. It would've been GREAT! He never did cause he's a wimp too. LOL! Even when my dh's dad was dying she couldn't change her plans to take care of ss. There were three days that dh needed to spend with his dying dad. Guess who had ss..... that'd be me. Thankfully my grandma helped me out with him... he was like 3.... and I also had my ds4 and ds1 (at the time)... so doing all this on my own and comforting my in-laws while bm was out drinking it up was great fun. Without my grandma it just would've been total hell.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Custody isn't just a right, it's also a responsibility.

If Dad is supposed to have the child from X time to Y, Mom has the right to make other plans during those times -- plans for the kinds of things you can't (or shouldn't) do with a kid along.

Then if Dad needs to change those plans, it's Dad's responsibility to provide alternate child care for the times that he was supposed to be having custody.

If language to that effect isn't in your parenting plan, you may want to get it added.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Sweeby it is in the parenting plan. As is to give notice 24 hours in advance of changes. I got an 'email' an hour before he is to be here.
He simply could not get to my house by the time and instead of getting her late or in the morning, he said oh I'll get her after work tomorrow.
I can't force him to take his visitations. They won't find him in contempt for not taking them either. It's simply ridiculous.
And again another way to just try to make me fight with him. I felt as if I was being 'provoked' today by him. To see if I was going to explode in writing. Well I have news for you Mr ex husband, myfam has learned her lesson! And she ain't takin' the bait! Ever again!
Lol
I'm not so annoyed now that some time has passed but ugh he still annoys the fire out of me with his 'entitlement' issues.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Let me ask another question:

Wouldn't it be better if someone is running a little late for drop off to actually call or text rather than send an email?

I get kind of annoyed that I'm expected to be logged on to my email constantly in case I receive an email. There is no reason that Bd can't pick up the phone and say 'hey I'm running late'. It is much quicker than sending an email but he refuses to call me.


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RE: Who makes changes?

It might make a difference between MyFam knowing exactly who is texting her against pretending who is emailing her?

And no, to answer in my opinion...tell ex if he needs a quick message to text. You have other things to do and you may not see the message which defeats the purpose of sending you one.


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RE: Who makes changes?

I think your ex sounds extremely childish!!!!! Your poor daughter, having to put up with her father who acts like a child himself.

You know a llooooooonng time ago. I was dating this guy, he was getting ready to graduate high school and his parents were divorced. They were going to make him have two separate parties because they didn't want to be around each other. They lived in the same general location. I told him I thought his parents were being immature and it was time they grow up. I also told him he should explain to them that this one time they could get along for a few simple hours. He wasn't going to have 2 weddings, 2 births of 1 child... or baptism, etc, if something happened to him he wouldn't have 2 funerals. So they needed to start getting along right then and there. He did tell them both and ended up with just one party... both parents in attendence. It was nice. I think it made him feel good too.

I put up with the ex's when it's needed for my child. Your ex and that psycho sm need to get over it and learn to co parent with you. That little girl isn't going anywhere and there's going to come a time you'll have to be in the same place at the same time like it or not.


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RE: Who makes changes?

JMT- exactly! Lol well Bd claims he doesn't have a cell phone so he can't text but SM can. As long as the text is child related I wouldn't care if it came from SM's phone. They don't want me to have her #. Which is just as silly. I've never abused phone use so I am not going to NOW start prank calling sm or calling her at odd hours nor will I ever just call her to chat or to explode on her. I would only use the # in extreme situations. But ... Whatever.

Momof3 -- you are very right. This is how it was for us too. My parents refused to be in the same room together and finally my sister had had enough and basically told them to suck it up. Granted I don't have much of a relationship with my dad but I do believe that Dd will have a relationship with her dad and will want us to both attend special things. She wants that now and they refuse to attend because 'myfam might attack at any moment'. I see it the other way around. SM might attack at any moment.

I thought about emailing him next time and saying, thanks for the email. I did not get it right away. Would it be easier for you to just send a quick text? For me, it would be helpful because I don't keep my email open at all times unless I'm working. I'm ok with quick texts in regards to pick up/drop off or any schedule conflicts that don't warrant a response. Let me know if this will benefit you as well.'

What do y'all think?


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RE: Who makes changes?

I think that sounds very good! You are being the adult in the situation. They are being children trapped in adult bodies.

I have my ss bm phone number in my phone, it's new since the last time I personally spoke to her. I haven't used it but it's there incase of an emergency. I don't have my ds16's sm phone number. I think that's because they constantly switch phone companies/phone numbers because they can't keep up on their bills. So I never know what the number is anyway or if they currently have a cell. Right now I know their cells are turned off due to non-payment.


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RE: Who makes changes?

Keep a journal with times, dates, problems for awhile then go to court. If you can keep track of how much time the boy sleeps over at the grandparents to see if they are raising him. My nephew's ex wife started a divorce almost 5 years ago, it was only finalized about a year ago because of her tactics. He learned to keep a journal and it helped him in court.


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RE: Who makes changes?

I'm so tired of the cancellations. Why oh why did this man fight me so hard in court for years on end to get the maximum visitation if he cancels constantly. This man has not seen his child in over a month. Won't answer her calls, won't return her calls, hasn't 'seen' her in quite a while... Wtf??

Now his wife did pick her up from school last week but Dd said he never came home. I almost want to call and say, 'do you still live with your wife?' We don't have right of first refusal anymore so I can't use that to keep his wife from picking her up if he isn't going to be home. We took this out at our last hearing because he was using it for stupid reasons. He was doing the whole 'my wife will be the babysitter' thing ao we have since removed this which was just recently. It's actually kind of weird for me to get used to. I have always thrown it at him. But anyway...

It's a holiday weekend. It's his weekend. And supposedly he has to work. I'm so glad Dd gets to be with us all weekend but at the same time I'm just tired of not being able to make plans.

Dh and I planned a little weekend of snuggling on the couch and catching up on us time. We got a sitter for my son but didn't know we needed one for Dd. Of course she is just going to snuggle along with us and make it a weekend long movie event. The one on one with Dd will be great for her because she is going through some things right now. BUT but but but ... Am I selfish in saying I was looking forward to one on one time with my hubby and ex has radar or something and ruined our plans.

I don't want to sound completely ungrateful for extra time with my daughter but we could ALL use a break from each other and my Dh and I could use some serious alone time. I'm such a brat I know.

I'm going to make it a fabulous weekend!! I am excited about being with Dd without my little boy but... You know what I mean?

Ex just pisses me off. He cancels at a whim and he can cancel when he damn well pleases. If I tried to 'cancel' you know what kind of crap I would catch??
Not to mention I again had to find someone to pick up Dd from school since he normally does or should I say, his wife normally does. It's just too convenient for the NCP to cancel ... In my opinion.

But I do know, you can't make someone be a parent .... I just wish he didn't have so many rights if he isn't going to BE A PARENT!!


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RE: Who makes changes?

I've seen court orders where the CP was awarded $$$ if the NCP canceled without notice. If you can show that he cancels on a whim to frustrate you or even if you can just show it's detrimental to the child... picture a child all ready to go see dad, waiting on the porch, getting excited with every car that drives by only to feel disappointed when it keeps going... the court may be sympathetic to that & order him to provide ample notice when he's going to cancel or pay you a penalty. My son's father was ordered to send me a certified letter of when he intended to visit. I would get a letter his wife obviously sent but then nobody showed to get my son... who would literally be ready & waiting to go. The court eventually suspended his visits altogether & put it on him to petition the court if he wanted to resume visits, which he never did. During the seven years we battled in court, it cost me well over 18k. in legal fees & court costs... while trying to support my two other kids.

I just posted in another thread how BM has had it with SD at her house & I suspect she may begin to start canceling her time too. The one thing that has upset me the most in THAT situation is how BM moved away on a whim, never gave it a second thought on how it would affect her daughter (or cared more about herself than her daughter) and while I was here trying to make sense of what she did & clean up HER mess with HER daughter, she was sleeping in everyday & too busy with her new life to answer her phone... and that was two weeks after we spent 12-14k on a court case.

The only reason someone would drag out a court case to see a child they eventually end up NOT seeing is that they want to engage in battle with YOU. It has nothing to do with the child but the child ends up getting hurt,


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RE: Who makes changes?

You are 100% right Ima... they don't care a bit about the child, they're just trying to fight with the other parent. It's BS! My ds16 would sit there with his stuff ready when he was 3, 4 and 5.... then when he was 5 he asked me why daddy didn't like him anymore. I put him in the car and drove him to his dad (whom I had no clue where he was... he wouldn't give me an address... but I found him anyway)... he was taking out the trash as we drove up. I got out of the car and told him what our son asked me and told him it was up to him to explain it. From that point he was soooooo much better about taking him when he was supposed to.

Our bm took off on a whim and left ss too... leaving us with lots of legal fees. It wasn't worth it since she was just going to leave him anyway.


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RE: Who makes changes?

I agree with the others; your ex's behavior is all directed at controlling you.

We went through a spell a few years ago where BM would cancel or no-show all the time. What we did was to make two sets of plans for those weekends - one for if SS was with us, one if he was not. It was a pain in the behind - but it was better than the alternative, which was scrambling at the last minute trying to change our plans. I understand your frustration.

If it makes you feel any better consider the alternative. The stupid judge told BM that she'd "better show up" so now she does. Quite often I wish that she'd no-show with no notice again.

Note to family court judges - If you have to tell a parent that they have to show up to see their kid, said parent is almost certainly not the world's best parent. The only thing you are accomplishing by threatening a parent for cancellations, you dumba$$, is to ensure that now a parent who did not want to see their child is going to do so - and now you've got a child in the care of a resentful and already less-than-stellar parent who did not want to see them but felt forced to do so. Way to go. :-(


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RE: Who makes changes?

'Note to family court judges - If you have to tell a parent that they have to show up to see their kid, said parent is almost certainly not the world's best parent. The only thing you are accomplishing by threatening a parent for cancellations, you dumba$$, is to ensure that now a parent who did not want to see their child is going to do so - and now you've got a child in the care of a resentful and already less-than-stellar parent who did not want to see them but felt forced to do so. Way to go. :-('

I agree with you completely. AND in my case, a child that is left with stepmom who is resentful or with stepmom's ex husband who has no business caring for my child when I am available to be the parent.


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