Return to the Stepfamily Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
ugh!

Posted by wild_thing (My Page) on
Tue, Jul 7, 09 at 19:44

I am having a bad day. It can't be PMS, I had that last week lol. But feeling a little down lately and not sure why.
I was thinking about where my life is now, thinking that I never would have picked to be where I am today...ie raising step kids.
Thinking how unfair it has been to the other kids, that we have had to invest so much time (including theirs) into the skids because of all the issues they have regarding their bio mom.
I got teary eyed watching my little girl sitting on the couch humming to herself and playing with some of her little toys. Why? I think because I realized that her life has been touched and effected by all the negativity that her sister (my sd) has brought into our home. There has been some good too, don't get me wrong. But I was thinking that I never would have chose that for her. It shouldn't be that way.
Her sister talks down to her, and calls her names. She has hit her. But once we found out that it was going on, we put an end to it. We found out that she had been slapping the baby too. My little girl told us. This would happen when we would trust her to watch them when we would go to the store etc. Errands that were much easier accomplished without the babies. We take him now and just endure his little melt downs.
I wonder each week. Is counseling even working? It wouldn't seem so in my eyes. Whenever we have to correct or remind her of something she just gives us her standard "SORRY". Like that takes care of it all, and then it reoccurs. It is like no learning is going on there, no internalizing, and thinking.
She hasn't been putting forth any effort with the friendship relationships. She doesn't call them. A couple girls have called here for her, but she doesn't work on those friendships. Her thing yesterday, was getting off work, playing with the little neighbor kids (her little sisters friends) and then coming in the house to watch a television show. By the time it was over it was too late to call her friend, who had called her days ago, and we also reminded her at dinner that she hadn't returned that phone call yet. She just sat there. Staring at her food. She ate slowly. last one at the table and then some.
I don't understand this girl at all.
I have tried. I have known her since she was 2 years old.
The only thing I can think of is that she does not do relationships of any kind.
Why hasn't her counselor picked up on this?
It is hard for her to maintain her relationships with her dad and I. Put friends in the mix and they are practically non existent. She is going to be 17 in the spring. A junior in high school. She isn't an outcast. She is a pretty girl.
But putting any effort into any kind of a relationship is like torture to her.
She claims to have had b/f's. I don't doubt that they are interested. But none call for her. Not that we are pushing that issue. If she has trouble with relationships the last thing she needs is a b/f. That would be a disaster the way things stand now.
But some friends would be nice.
To see her go hang out at the mall, to go to the movies with someone other than my little sister. To be a teenage girl. That would be something.
I don't wonder if she didn't burn all her bridges when she was hanging out with the gang kids. Now all the "good kids" don't want anything to do with her. The boys that still "like" her are the little gang bangers. No wonder no likable boys will ask her out. She doesn't have the sense to discourage those boys either, because she likes any kind of attention from boys. Whether they are decent boys or not.
I don't know.
I keep thinking too...two years and i am done with it all. No more drama, fighting, non compliance, none of it.
She isn't my kid anyway, why do I even worry about it? The damage, issues are there, and she will eventually have to deal with them at some point, even if she doesn't want to do that now.
Dad is still defending all the little things she does, to the point he will take the blame for it. He is still waking her up on weekends to make sure she gets to work on time. That really makes me angry. She does fine during the week. But he just can't seem to let it be her responsibility.
I just get so down about it all at times. This is one of those times.
Sadness is seeping in.


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: ugh!

I am sorry about the sadness. Hitting is never right. Older sisters do sometimes talk down.

What are her plans for the future? College? What is she doing this summer?

One of the hardest I think for a parent (or stepparent) to accept is that our child will not walk our path. My D is not as academically inclined as I was at her age. But I still help her find her way. Sometimes a child has less frieends becuase he or she is more mature than her peers. In that case, I would suggest the child working over the summer. If that is not possible in this terrible economy, I would suggest volunteer work. Maybe at the local ASPCA? I think animals can bring out the best in us (I have none due to terrrible allergies). Have you or DH had a session alone with counselor?


 o
RE: ugh!

*hugs* to you...

I know where you're coming from. I have a 15 yo sd who has trouble with relationships and has no real friends. Her personality is a concentrated form of her mother's... as a result she is never wrong (in her eyes), never apologizes, and pushes people away with her Queen Bee behaviors. There was also physical abuse at BM's home which meant that when SD and her brother had a disagreement, it became physical to the point of injury. When they came to live with us (after BM threw them out), we had to put our foot down about NO HANDS ON contact.

I worry about her. I worry about her brother. I worry if they will ever become functioning adults who can hold a job and have successful relationships. I worry that they will have kids before they can sort their own issues out.

I don't have any advice to give you. Just know that you are not alone.

*hugs*

k


 o
Counselors

The first two counselors my D had after divorce were not working. I am not saying that they were bad people, it just wasnt working. If the cousnleor cant meet with you or DH and explain these issues, maybe it is time to look for another.

I am a results oriented person and we find a physciatrist (spelling??) who is great. She would talk to me and D (X wouldnt come) and say to D, your parents arent living togehtor anymore, that is not going to change, what does your mom have to do to make things work? I am not certain that D wouldnt say anything silly to dr or dr would say that is not realistic, but it moved forward. Dr was great, she told D it is OK to hurt, it is OK to grieve, but we want to hlep you move forward.

In my Ds schools, there is also a group called "Bannana Splits" for children of divorce to help them help each other.


 o
RE: ugh!

What are her plans for the future? College? What is she doing this summer?

She doesn't really have any. No college. She just barely passed this last school semester with 3 D's. She is working this summer. She isn't in any type of classes that would get her into college, she barely passed her last required year of math, and also barely passed English.
She had talked about Interior Design but then when she realized that math does play a part in the real life job, she lost interest. She thought it was just putting pretty things on the walls, and moving furniture around.
She had counseling today, I guess they discussed her trust issues and how since she doesn't trust her mom, that she is not trusting anyone, including friendships etc. Not sure if that is progress but ...

Krystine, thanks for the post. It does help to know I am not the only one. I just have to get it out now and then. The skids were physically abused by their step dad, and I am learning some by their mom. But it makes me so sad that she would do that to her little sister and baby brother. Sad for them. That they would even have to experience it. I just can't tell you the degree of anger I felt to hear that she had been slapping the baby. He can't tell us anything. God bless his sister for saying something for him.
I just get so worn down and tired of it all.
thanks for letting me get some of it off my chest.
Yes, I have talked to Dh about it. Not sure if it gets anywhere yet. He is good for awhile too then slips back into their routine.


 o
RE: ugh!

Has this girl ever been checked by her counselor or by a psychologist or psychiatrist for depression because the trust issue makes sense but she also sounds depressed to me. Just the withdrawal from friends etc..Maybe she has never had friends but the fact that kids are calling her and she doesn't bother to return phone calls is a bit off...I'm so sorry you are having to go thru this and I hope things get better...!! I would have her seen by a psychiatrist though, just to check it out...(((((hugs))))))


http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen.htm


 o
RE: ugh!

Shannon, this is just how my sd is. She does not and has not put effort into outside relationships. Like I mentioned, she can barely maintain the ones she has here at home. It isn't anything new that has just cropped up. It has been an ongoing issue for years.
There really has been no withdrawal from the friends, because she was never hanging with them to begin with. These are a couple of girls who are reaching out to her, and she just doesn't reciprocate that effort of friendship.


 o
RE: ugh!

Krystine, I find it offensive and not productive when people complain that the stepchild takes after the mother. I also wonder how many people project their dislike of mother onto child.


 o
RE: ugh!

It is hard to be a parent, isn't? Like KKNY said about accepting...Exactly. My DD came up wiht new plans what to do after college that I think is the most ridiculous idea. "you are going to do what????" oh well, nothing we can do, right?

As about this girl...There might be multiple reasons for her behavior, and I might be completely off on this, but due to my experience with this...
i have met parents of gay children, who said their kids never had any friends in school, just sat home by themselves, and had no plans for anything. Sorry if am off on this, but sounds like what those people described how their children behaved at that age.

The other issue could be drugs, she seems lethargic...

She could also be depressed...

She got to go see a psychologist ASAP.


 o
RE: ugh!

(((HUGS)))

I agree, it sounds like SD could be depressed. It sounds like her counselor has not been much help, either.

I wish I had some great idea or insight for you. :(

I completely relate to what you're saying about the other kids. I seriously feel sick to my stomach when I think about what DD has been exposed to this last year. It's not what I ever would have chosen either. It doesn't help that she calls my DH "daddy" all the time now. :(

I feel really disheartened and scared, and just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Hang in there.
I know this sounds kind of silly and cliche but I do a gratitude list every day. I try to think of at least 3 things that I am grateful for. This usually helps me to at least get out of the depressed frame of mind and focus on the positive.

Just keep doing the best you can...it is all you can do!


 o
RE: ugh!

Thanks ladies. I am doing better today. I got out of the house and spent some times with a couple of friends and that really helped.
Everyone keeps saying depression...it has been discussed, but no dx was made. She really doesn't show the classic symptoms on a regular basis. I have background in psychology too, so I am no stranger to it all.
It is more of a comfort thing for her. It is more "safe" if you will, for her not to put out any effort in relationships. Plus it is a lot of work, that she doesn't want to put forth. She is happy to have people come to her.
She just had counseling yesterday and discussed the friends issue...should be fresh in her mind....nope...had today off, she just sat around watching tv, rode her bike around the block a few times and then she proceeded to play with the little kids outside with her little sister...no phone call to friends again. It is so strange to me.
FD...that is a very interesting idea. It had never even occurred to me. I have never known any gay kids personally, and have no friends with them, so I have no idea. She seems to think boys are cute, but has shown little interest in actually telling us of anyone she is supposedly dating or whatever. Like I said, pretty girl, the boys interest is there. Interesting theory. Does anyone know more on that issue?


 o
RE: ugh!

kkny, you are right. I apologize and retract that statement.


 o
RE: ugh!

Hmm, I've never heard of the theory you've posed Finedreams...I have a gay child and because of that have been exposed to many of his friends of like mind who didn't exhibit the behavior described.
I'm not a teenager but I might understand a bit of what your SD could be experiencing Wildthing.
I used to be a social butterfly, we then moved to a new city where I knew no one. I was recovering from a difficult illness so I know that I had some depression issues, but I still sought out company. My loneliness physically hurt, yet I just couldn't seem to make a nice "friend fit" no matter what I tried.
Eventually it seemed that it took just too much effort and I gave up for the longest time. I stayed in the house, even answering the telephone to chat with my oldest friends became a chore. Because when asked what I was "up to" or "did I have plans", well, no, I didn't and I hadn't "been up to" anything really, so what was there to say?
I felt extreme pressure to behave "normally" and avoided situations or people so that I wouldn't be "called out".
I decided one day that I needed to find joy again and took steps to remedy it thru counseling and a short time using anti depressants.
I write this only as a possibility to your SD's behavior, although her circumstances are different, sometimes the symptoms are similar.
Deborah


 o
wildthing

"FD...that is a very interesting idea. It had never even occurred to me. I have never known any gay kids personally, and have no friends with them, so I have no idea. She seems to think boys are cute, but has shown little interest in actually telling us of anyone she is supposedly dating or whatever. Like I said, pretty girl, the boys interest is there. Interesting theory. Does anyone know more on that issue?"

wild-thing, I have a gay DD21, but she was lucky to attend a very liberal high school (wiht even openly gay teachers) with very active gay-straight alliance organization so she had a lot of friends, but almost ALL of her close friends at a high school were other gay children. and almost all of her friends now are also homosexuals of both genders.

According to other parents of gay children, that i know through support group, said that their children attended very conservative schools with no gay-straight alliances and no support, they had no friends and couldn't relate to anyone. I know some parents whose children attempted suicide. When kids find out out that someone is homosexual, they don't want to be friends wiht him/her if the are of the same gender, like they are scared of something.

As about thinking that boys are cute...DD thinks that there are plenty of cute men out there and she has male friends. It doesn't mean she has any romantic interest in them.

of course I am not assuming that every depressed teenagers might be gay, it just came to my mind when i read your post.


 o
kkny

"Krystine, I find it offensive and not productive when people complain that the stepchild takes after the mother. I also wonder how many people project their dislike of mother onto child."

KKNY, sometimes there are obvious traits from one parent or the other. They can be good or bad. Both of the girls have obvious J traits. One of them has alot more of her mother going on which means we are watching her a little more closely. even though the girls are twins this particular girly even favors her mom more becasue of her facial expressions.

I don't project any of my disdain towards BM onto the child though actuall it's quit the contrary. SHe has been the one who has been more clingy and calls me mom more often than not.I don'tcompare her to her mother because she is a different person all together. She hasn't done the same things her BM has. She just has "red flags" of a hereditary flaw that like it or not was passed down by her mom. God willing with alert paretns if these flags turn into something more we will be ready to help her and seek early intervention so she doesn't turn out like her mom.


 o
RE: ugh!

My older SD is SO much like her BM, it is downright scary. Even DH says "it is like talking to my ex when I listen to her" and it scares him, but she is nearly 19 and she is not going to change now. She is just very condescending, tries to tell him what to do, etc...Like Kate from "Jon and Kate plus 8", but much worse. DH basically ignores her now when she tries it with him, which is good, he is learning:) My own kids, the older one can get into little snotty moods like her Dad, and we just tell her to "give it a rest". We now say "Gear down big rig", she is not a big kid but it is just funny and it makes her think how her behaviour is affecting others around her!! My younger one, she has the same weird wacky sense of humor as I do, which is bad sometimes...!! Gets both of us into trouble :D


 o
RE: ugh!

Its sad when I read about stepmothers comparing negative traits of SDs with their moms. Even if dad also says it. I think my D takes after her dad more than me, but she is her own person. One time when she was little (5?) someone asked who she looked like -- and she said me (her name, not mine). In any event, her voice is similiar to mine, and sometimes on the phone people confuse us. No big deal. But when I read here how negative some people are on their SDs, it makes me happy that SD is never alone with dads SO, and rarely sees him.


 o
oops, typo

oops, meant to say happy D rarely sees dads SO. She also rarely sees dad -- but I try my best.


 o
RE: ugh!

She does sound depressed.
But make sure she stops hitting your daughter and the baby or even talking down. Rebuff her with the slightest words. She must know where the line is drawn. My sd hit my son once , i heard the slap and i immediately faced her dead on and told her you are not the boss, you are not his mother, you will not inflict any punishment. She said, my mother,....which i completely stopped her before saying it, i said this is not your mothers house, your mothers rules do not and never will apply under our roof here. Her father came and back me up and told her she is to never hit him again and her brother as well. She used to boss her brother alot which we nipped in the butt in our house. She has accepted that, not liking it of course because she still deos things at her mothers.
We do not give her an ounce of power or any power position. She does not decipline or even try to with my son anymore or her brother. Thank God, she grew out of this phase and is not well into the teen phase...googling after boys...lol...
I honestly think you should bring your sd to another doctor to have her evaluated. And keep changing until you get the right doctor for her. Keep your kids safe in the meantiem and never leave them alone with her.
What did you mean by two more years and your done with this???? Are you setting a time limit for yourself???


 o
kkny you are joking right

You yourself have rubbed in my face that depression is hereditary. Why are you acting so offended now? Obviously the girls mom has issues that are in fact hereditary! It is nothing personal...it's just the facts. They arn't getting it from J or ME. Deffinatly not me. LOL. Depression and mental disorders run on BM's side in the women. They ALL have issues and are diagnosed and on meds. How could you deny that one of the twins gets her flags from BM? Jeez, it's rubbed in my face that the girls I love may turn out crazy like their mom one minute and the NEXT I am being repremanded for saying they are have warning signs because it's negative. Go f*cking figure.


 o
SDs facial expressions

Doodle, -- you say " One of them has alot more of her mother going on which means we are watching her a little more closely. even though the girls are twins this particular girly even favors her mom more becasue of her facial expressions." -- facial expressions -- of course you are iritated with the mom, but really? Good lord, wait till shes a teen.

and Shannon, talking about her SD being condescending.


 o
RE: ugh!

Her actions are why we are concerned KKNY not her looks. Are you really that critical? She exhibits behavioral traits and emotional traits of her moms. She also just HAPPENS to resemble her more physically. Jesus christ woman, you will look for a bomb in a cotton candy shop!


 o
Doodle

Then why did you discuss the two girl's facial expressions. YOU brought that up.


 o
Why do I even try

"Then why did you discuss the two girl's facial expressions. YOU brought that up."

To point out the fact that even though they are twins one takes more after her mother and it's apparent in all aspects of her being.


 o
RE: ugh!

"She exhibits behavioral traits and emotional traits of her moms."

I think Doodle was just trying to use the facial expressions as an example of behavioral traits of BM. I don't blame Doodle and J for being extremely aware of the girls' and similarities to BM. With the history of drug abuse, the twins are already more at risk than the general population for depression, addiction, etc. It is smart of Doodle and J to be extra aware.

Doodle wasn't saying anything negative about these girls whom she clearly loves--she was just making a point.

My SS displays some behavioral traits of his mom and it worries us. I don't know if it's genetic or learned (I am guessing learned) but either way, it's disturbing and I hope DH and I can counteract it. The reason we worry is because the certain behaviors we have noticed are negative and detrimental to his well-being. He has very low self-esteem and is always making comments about being "stupid" or "ugly." It's sad because DH has always felt this is at the root of BM's issues. She was held back in grade school, and still struggled academically, and has horrible memories of having to go to the "resource room" and she remembers being made fun of a lot. She had big frizzy hair, glasses, etc. and was just awkward through middle and even h/s and got made fun of a lot. She really is cute now, but just went through a very awkward phase, and it took a huge toll on her self esteeem. DH and I both think that's why she started drinking at a young age---and then she discovered that when she was drunk, she was more outgoing and THEN as she got even older, she started getting attention from guys in bars, and it gave her what she had needed for so long. :(

Anyway, DH really worries over SS's self esteem and feels he is more at risk to start drinking himself. What is especially concerning is the fact that he has a stepsister at his mom's who is 11---and who does really poorly in school, has very little supervision from either mom or dad, and has already been caught smoking at school---at 11! DH and I worry about her influence over SS at BM's house. Heck, we just worry about EVERYONE'S influence at that house! BM's hubby has had run-ins w/the law in regards to alcohol and even drugs when he was younger. It is just a concerning environment altogether.

So of COURSE SS displays signs of the affect this family life has on him. That is to be expected.

We just have to do the best we can at our house and pray that it's enough at the end of the day.


 o
RE: ugh!

I accept people for who they are are, and what they do. And I hardly think people's facial expressions are indicative of mental problems (at least in general). But I do see how they can remind SM of the mom.


 o
wowsers

"I accept people for who they are are, and what they do. And I hardly think people's facial expressions are indicative of mental problems (at least in general). But I do see how they can remind SM of the mom."

Not sure where you are getting with the entire acceptance ing. Keeping an eye out for sel destructive behavior doesn't constitute a lack of acceptance in my book. It makes good parents aware of potential issues. Suicide is nothing to play around with.

I never said her facial expressions were a cause for concern. Her BEHAVIORS and EMOTIONAL traits are what concern us. It just so happens that she resembles BM physically as well. Of course ,I have already said this and you just refuse to acknowledge it KKNY.

Examples of concerning behaviors:

Has made self loathing comments.

Does not adjust well to change .....at all.

DOes not handle things not going her way well at all.

Does not recover well from things. Has trouble rolling with punches. Takes ALOT longer to recover from changes in routine or beiing told no than her sister. She will cry for hours over being told no ice cream...etc. etc.

Has some anger issues. Hits her sister alot and has tried to strike the baby.

When you try to correct her or tell her something she doesn't want to hear she gives you a real vacant stare with her mouth hanging partly open and lowers her eyelids like she's sleepy. She is basically tuning you out when she does this.....her mom does that with that same exact expression.

There are just more similarities with her and BM than with her twin sister all the way around. For that reason we are keeping a careful eye on her just to be safe. When you see alot of a paretn in a child and that parent has major issues your defenses go up. We arn't picking on her...we are WORRIED about her.


 o
RE: ugh!

doodle what you describe are typical traits of a child coming from drug or alcohol effected family. they are effected for life.

What you described aren't mommy's traits per se but traits of all children of alcoholics and druggaddicts.

the other one will exhibit it too. It is inevitable in lesser or greater form.

You ought to go to alanon or read Alanon literature especially sections on chidlren of alcoholics.

and remember they come from TWO parents who abused/abuse drugs. not just mommy.

yes I would look at them carefully.


 o
RE: ugh!

"doodle what you describe are typical traits of a child coming from drug or alcohol effected family. they are effected for life"

No. There is only ONE acting this way. It is OBVIOUS BM behaviors. ANYONE who knows the woman could spot it in a second. No doubt the fact that BM ditched and is in jail and has a bad boyfriend and has a drug porblem (which they are aware of) adds to it but the way she HANDLES it is what screams BM. It's how she has trouble BOUNCING back from daily thigns....MINISCULE daily things that concrns us.


 o
RE: ugh!

and remember they come from TWO parents who abused/abuse drugs. not just mommy.

J did not affect them. I know this for fact. They have NO RECOLLECTION of their father being f*cked up at all. They were way too young. He has told them he had problems when they were babies and that's all they know. They didn't believe him because they have never known him as having a problem. Even when he did us it was no where NEAR THE KIDS but again I have said that before. They were shocked when he told them. SHOCKED.

MOMMY on the other hand continues to party and they are very much so affected and they will very much so always remember it. It is happening to them in a stage in their lives when synapses in their brains are permanently forming and their memory is much much straonger.


 o
RE: ugh!

Doodle, I think FD was referring to possible heritary effects on children of male drug use. Even if they do not remember, there are genetic/heritary traits from dad.


 o
OH for petes sake

I give up. You two are bound and determined to put some blame somewhere except where it is obvious.

The girls arn't sick. They do not have health problems. They are not under developed or slow.

Even BM's mother has noticed the similarities in the ione twins and BM's behavior but I guess she's wrong too. She doesn't KNOW her own kid or anything.


 o
dee dee dee

"there are genetic/heritary traits from dad."

J was not an addict. He used occasionally when ever it happened to be aorund. He quit prre much cold turkey and I specifically remember somewhere someone saying in BM's defense that drud ADDICTION os very hard to get over and those who are addicted can not just up and quit cold turkey.

Either that person is wrong and BM most certainly CAN quit anytime she wants or J was not an addict like he says. You can't have it both ways.


 o
So which is it?

Finedreams stated in the now infamous HAHAHAHAHA post:

"Drugg and alcohol addictions are powerful thing and it is rather ignorant (or maybe just naive) to assume that people can quit by just a will power, no they cannot. And more than often people start using again."

So which is it. Is BM able to stop anytime like J did or was J never an addict? It has to be one or the other. J just up and quit. He doesn't even drink or smoke anymore. He just up and quit. Let me guess....he's just a FREAK case.

No. He was never addicted.


 o
drugs

I think, based on what you said, both parents have had drug issues, and based on what you said, mom more than dad. And based on what you said, you are concerned about child, given her parentage.


 o
RE: ugh!

Posted by kkny (My Page) on Thu, Jul 9, 09 at 13:02

"I accept people for who they are are, and what they do. And I hardly think people's facial expressions are indicative of mental problems (at least in general). But I do see how they can remind SM of the mom."

Are you trying to say that you are accepting of people in what they do, their words or actions, is that what you mean? Just trying to clarify....


 o
RE: ugh!

Shannon, I was contrasting with people who judge people based on their parents (i.e., the mom) -- I judge based on what they say and what they do.


 o
RE:Thats terrific

"Shannon, I was contrasting with people who judge people based on their parents (i.e., the mom) -- I judge based on what they say and what they do."

Thats terrific KKNY but when you have been told that it is HEREDITARY and it is SERIOUS (i.e. mom is a total nut case who is suicidal) then you have to keep one eye open or you are being a negligent parent. Then sn't a case of b*tchy I'm worried about....this is serious mental illness. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE!


 o
RE: ugh!

So again, doodle, why is Dad's drug use not an issue also.

But as to child being condecsdinging or facial expressions, I see no need to involve parentage.


 o
RE: ugh!

I do not believe she is depressed. Like I said, I have been around it and have much experience with the issue in teens. Seriously, she does not exhibit depression. She just doesn't want friends. Her counselor thinks it is a trust issue, that stems from not being able to trust her mother. Therefore she has extended that issue to include everyone.
She will do things with us, and my sister. But to get her to call her few friends is pulling teeth. She was invited to two birthday parties and didn't go to either one.
Apparently she likes to play with her little sisters friends however. It just gets more strange.
Definite trust issues, but no effort to want to change or try to change, and they need to figure out why she is resisting so hard.
I actually appreciated FD's opinion or suggestion, because it is off the beaten path and really not something I considered. I don't think anyone need take offense to it. It may or may not be a possibility. Like I said, I had not even thought of it. But when I think of it maybe it does make sense? I don't know. Only she knows, and we won't know unless she starts sharing with us. Hard to do when you already have trust issues.
Her school has no club or support for teens who may be or are gay.
I do remember this year, she did help spread a rumor that one of the girls she knew from jr high was a lesbian. It isn't true. But she helped to spread that rumor. Maybe she was seeing people's reactions???
I don't know. I do know teens and teen behavior and I have always said since I have been posting here that I do not understand her behavior. It has always been something that has thrown me for a loop.
I know there are some of you who would like to believe it is just depression, but I know it isn't. It is something else. Because she can function just fine, and no classic symptoms. She is quite content to not hang out with friends. But relationships are a big issue with her and that is why there is a focus on the friends, and trying to get her to interact more with the ones she has. (Even though she has told us time and again with much emotion that she has TONS of friends). She has to learn how to create and maintain relationships because it is a real issue for her. LIke I said, it is hard for her to do in our home. She relates to little kids much better, probably because it isn't much work and she doesn't have all the issues that come with being a teen when she hangs with the little kids. I have always noted her immaturity also. Way behind her peers.

It is just difficult living with someone that you do not understand. I have spent years trying to bond with her. I have bonded with the kids I worked with more than I have with her. She is very hard to reach.

Someone asked me why I said, I think sometimes that I only have two years to go...if I put a time limit on it. That is how many years till she graduates. Is there a time limit? Not really, but I am only human and I can only put up with so much abuse and disrespect in my home. I can't keep trying to reach out to someone who does not even try in return to reciprocate the relationships in her life. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced this. It is like a yoyo. She will give you a little then push it away. It seems to be a typical behavior of someone with trust issues, but even when those things are figured out the person will work towards trying to heal themselves. She has no interest in working towards changing anything because it requires looking at issues she doesn't want to face.
She goes to extremes to not have to face her issues. To not have to be responsible for anything. Lying, manipulation, triangulating, shutting down, you name it. This is all due to what her mother has done to her over the years. What she has had to endure. We expected issues. But we thought that once she was given a path to help her navigate to a more clear place, that she would take that direction and help, not go running the other direction or just ignore it.
She is happy in her discomfort for the time being. It feels safe to her, because it is all she has known. She won't let herself heal to a better place. She prevents it in all that she does or doesn't do.
We have been trying to help her for years. All I can say is it wears a person down.

I do relate to what others are saying about seeing traits, characteristics, behaviors, etc of the other parent in the child. We do. We see a lot. Does it mean something? Yes, it means that she lived with the other parent (was around the other parent) long enough to pick up on those behaviors and make them her own. A walk or gait, is hereditary, like the color of hair and eyes. Like a smirk, or a look. But behaviors are learned. They are not passed down from generation to generation. Mental illness is hereditary. It doesn't mean each kid will have it, it just means there is a possibility. It is in the genes. The DNA.


 o
RE: ugh!

Wow KKNY and Finedreams, you are REALLY persistant!! Why question someone as saintly and wonderful as Doodle?

Her husband did NOT have a problem which subsequently did not have an effect on his children whom he left in the care of a druggie because he was on the road and he only did drugs on the road and not around the children.

He wasn't addicted - he only did it recreationally and therefore did not voluntarily and consciously put his children in any potentially harmful situations (such as daddy being arrested for possession and the girls being completely dependent upon their druggie mom who has mental problems and is addicted, etc).

Any bad genetic factors that the girls inherit could NOT come from him, only their loser BM who Doodle is sooooo much better than. BM contributes to the bad genetics. J contributes to the good genetics. And the girls could only wish that some of Doodle's awesomeness will rub off on them. Make sure the one that looks like BM is kept under a microscope and scrutinized. Her actions have nothing to do with her little life being filled with trauma and horror upon horror. Nope.


 o
RE: ugh!

"Any bad genetic factors that the girls inherit could NOT come from him, only their loser BM who Doodle is sooooo much better than. BM contributes to the bad genetics. J contributes to the good genetics. And the girls could only wish that some of Doodle's awesomeness will rub off on them. Make sure the one that looks like BM is kept under a microscope and scrutinized. Her actions have nothing to do with her little life being filled with trauma and horror upon horror. Nope."

Way, WAY out of line.

GW is supposed to be a SUPPORT forum, lonepiper. It's one thing to disagree or to have a different point of view, but this whole comment was below the belt and in very poor taste.

Disagree if you will, but let's not be all out nasty.


 o
RE: ugh!

Posted by kkny (My Page) on Thu, Jul 9, 09 at 17:03

"So again, doodle, why is Dad's drug use not an issue also.
But as to child being condecsdinging or facial expressions, I see no need to involve parentage."

Kkny, I thank that yu neid speil chick because I amn haveng trooble understandeng yu, what is "condecsdinging"? Du yu meen CONDESCENDING?

I stand by what I said, SD is like her BM in some ways (ie.Condescending to adults). SD is also alot like BM's family. Like Doodle's BM, my SD's BM's family have alot of ISSUES. Do I feel sorry for her? Of course...!! Will I let her talk to me or DH like that anymore? NO WAY.

On another note, I can so relate Wild_Thing! Your comments about having tried so hard to bond with SD's are like such a deja vu for me. It is very hard to bond with someone who is CONDESCENDING to you and to your DH. It's very nice to know that there are people on GW who understand and have been there, and can support and give ideas and feedback to help support others, thanks to everyone on here who gives constructive ideas (and can speil werds rite too!! :D )

One last thing, Wild_thing, do you think your SD hangs out with younger kids because they "look up" to her? Also depending on how old the younger kids are, they would probably never judge her for things she does or says...she is the "cool" one in their eyes, you know?! Just a thought....


 o
RE: ugh!

doodle, I stand corrected. Dad used drugs but is not addicted. The only difference it makes, it explains why he could quit easilly, but his ex cannot, he was lucky enough not to develop addiction. In terms of effect on children, children become effcted by parental usage of illegal drugs, addicted or not, I doubt children can make that distinction.


 o
RE: ugh!

Gregor.Mendel.


 o
RE: ugh!

One last thing, Wild_thing, do you think your SD hangs out with younger kids because they "look up" to her? Also depending on how old the younger kids are, they would probably never judge her for things she does or says...she is the "cool" one in their eyes, you know?! Just a thought....

Shannon, of course. But my entire point...was that she needs to learn how to function around adults and her own peers. She should want to interact with them. It is healthy. She needs to learn how to make and maintain relationships based on who she is. Not based on what others think of her, including little kids.

On a side note, to the other garbage floating around in my thread....arguing about traits from parents. OMG..some of you are only arguing because you don't like that this is coming from the step mom.
Those of you who have had bad step moms in your life...its old. Tired worn out. Get over it. Just because you had a bad step mom does not make all of us bad. Give it a rest!!!
KK...no clue why you post here. No freakin' clue!!
We (dh and I) notice traits from sd's bio mom in her. Probably because she is a girl and much like her mother. Facial expressions, her walk. etc. We even noticed behaviors...the bad ones..YES! OMG...we are so awful to notice that! I don't think so.

We were not the only ones who had to put up with the ex...the kids were right there, seeing, and living with all of her behaviors too. Behaviors are learned. They saw, they learned. I and dh can not help that the kids learned the bad behaviors. They were the ones that seemed to get the most reaction and result good or bad. So that is what they picked up on.
If a child is raised in a good nurturing environment then you won't see the behaviors that are not desirable in people.


 o
RE: ugh!

For clarification, I said she is a girl and like her mother...meaning the same gender children seem to have more traits etc from that particular parent. Like my son, he has lots of traits and characteristics from his dad. It is weird for me to see that sometimes because it has been a long time since I have been around his dad but I remember them once I see them in my son. It is the same with our own kids too.


 o
RE: ugh!

I'm not aware of any studies that show girls resemble their mothers and boys their fathers. Wild thing -- I am free as anyone to post. I would ask that all SMs look in their heart and ask themselves if they see the child's mother when they look at SD, can they try not to hold that against the child.


 o
RE: ugh!

I dont hold a grudge against my sd because she may look like bm...but she looks like my hubby. BUT because she lives with bm , she acts like her and i wont tolerate selfish B*tchy behavior because she's learned it from her pot loving mother of the year. I'll cut anyone down, my own father for behaviour such as that.
The woman has no friends anymore, she's left to sulk in her own space by her own hands. Now Sd is waking up and beginning to learn to behave other wise.
You can't change heritatary factors...but you can try to change behaviour learned.
and i would ask that all BM's look into their hearts, stop being selfish , share your child, let them share their love iwth others, stop making it into a competition and stop involving their children money issues and divorce garbage...stop lying to their kids, stop hurting their kids because of pure jealousy of the SM.
Get over your divorce, get over the issues, let the kids love others and stop interfering and stop making them miserable.


 o
lonepiper

I'm not even justifying your ridiculous middle school like attack with a defense.

Obviously you know my situation so much better than I do afterall.


 o
RE: ugh!

Organic_Maria said:

"I dont hold a grudge against my sd because she may look like bm...but she looks like my hubby. BUT because she lives with bm , she acts like her and i wont tolerate selfish B*tchy behavior because she's learned it from her pot loving mother of the year. I'll cut anyone down, my own father for behaviour such as that.
The woman has no friends anymore, she's left to sulk in her own space by her own hands. Now Sd is waking up and beginning to learn to behave other wise.
You can't change heritatary factors...but you can try to change behaviour learned.
and i would ask that all BM's look into their hearts, stop being selfish , share your child, let them share their love iwth others, stop making it into a competition and stop involving their children money issues and divorce garbage...stop lying to their kids, stop hurting their kids because of pure jealousy of the SM.
Get over your divorce, get over the issues, let the kids love others and stop interfering and stop making them miserable."

Organic, I think your post is AMAZING!! Thank You!! :)

Wild_thing, with your SD, what about asking her counsellor to get SD to agree to join one club, after-school activity, or since it is summer, join like a "teen"club for the summer and get her to sign a "contract" with the counsellor that she will attend this activity once a week say, for 2 hours. If the counsellor explains how important it is that SD start to interact with her peers and not with younger kids, and if the counsellor also starts to"explore"why SD hangs out with younger kids, this could be very beneficial to your SD in the long run!!

I think I understand too a bit about the "wearing down" part, wild_thing, I feel like my SDs have done that to me for years, but now I just back off and don't try anymore. They don't live with us, I am always polite and hospitable, kind etc..but I don't have any more"deep" conversations anymore, it is all "surface"....sad but if I had not done this, I think I would have lost it!!


 o
RE: ugh!

" I said she is a girl and like her mother...meaning the same gender children seem to have more traits etc from that particular parent. Like my son, he has lots of traits and characteristics from his dad."

i have never heard of such thing.

DD is nothing like me, like there is nothing in her apperance, mannerism or behavior. Different body type, mannerism, different facial features, skin color (she is paste white like the type that never gets tanned), etc. the only thing that seems to be somewhat alike as she gets older is voice. Other than that no one would ever guess she is my daughter. She looks like her father, not spitting image but they look alike, other than that she really doesn't look like anyone. Both of my SO's daughters look nothing like their mother and are spitting image of their dad. My brother's daughter however looks nothing like him but for whatever funny reason her mannerisms, traits and looks are very much like my daughter's (go figure.) etc I do not look much like my mother at all. Somewhat similar body type, although i am petite and she is not. I share no traits with my mom. My mom doesn't look like grandma, but my dad looks like his mom. etc

i am very surprised to hear that girls have more traits from their moms.


 o
RE: ugh!

OMG, kkny and FD...you guys will argue about any f*ing thing!! It is ridiculous!
So you can't find any studies? Or is it that you yourself have never personally read any?
I guess I should have posted that "most" children look like the same sex parent. But then those that are just here to argue would still find fault with that too. I didn't say I think it's awful that she looks like her mom or anything of the sort. I merely said that yes, kids can inherit characteristics from the parents. The behavior portion is all learned. Yes, you can find volumes on that KKNY!!!! I took many early childhood studies classes KK, so if you want to go toe to toe on this then lets do it. FD, I don't care if your dd doesn't look like you. I didn't quote that sh*t out of a book that was my own opinion, that comes from years of working with kids and their parents! You would have to be blind to not see that "Most" children look like the parents, and YES, the girls generally look more like the mom and the boys like the dad. It is just genetics ladies sorry, if that chaps your hide too. @@

Anyway, meanwhile...shannon....we have already encouraged SD to join clubs etc at school. She doesn't want to do anything extra in the summer time. She is unmotivated. She has no desire to put herself out there.
We do something similar every summer for her. Last summer we made her volunteer at the local animal rescue shelter. We haven't this year because she is working more.

It isn't that I don't appreciate the suggestions and advice, it is just that I can't get it across that we have been through hell and back with these kids, and we have and are doing all we can.
Not so much any longer with the SS, because he is sort of on his own now (his choice).

Most people with great skids and families ARE NOT posting here. They don't have a reason to.
I post here to vent, and to read that others can totally relate to the things that I go through and have been through.
It is therapeutic for me and makes me feel a little better.

When I read some of the replies from like KKNY and FD and a few others, I wonder why they post. What do they get out of bashing people, or just being so contrary and not able to understand the issues that some of us have.
I am not someone that needs to have there "eyes opened" so to speak.
If I make a mistake I am woman enough to apologize and or go back and fix it.
I don't know everything, but I know my own situation very well.

I do take time to disengage. I have taken many times to do that. I learned that years ago. That does not mean it still doesn't effect me. I can still vent about the issues without being directly involved. It is after all in my home that these things occur, I would have to be living in a thick fog to completely ignore things that go on. Just doesn't happen with 4 kids. They all interact.


 o
RE: ugh!

Yes, heredity results in kids looking like their parents or grandparents. Many biologists beleive that kids are more likely to look more like their dads -- as that resulted in more likely survival of the species back during most of evolution.

Wild thing, the reason that FD and I are concerned about this is that if SM sees the mom, whom she doesnt like, when she looks at the SD, that could be a problem.


 o
RE: ugh!

only if the the Schild is a b&**& like their mother and repeats mom word for word ...

my oldest SS doesn't look like either one of his parents .... utoh ... maybe she fuched the mailman. or any relatives for that matter ....

old wives tale ... children look like their fathers to prove paternity. . because cave women were fuching everything that moved.


 o
RE: ugh!

Wild_thing, I am like you, I post here to listen to other step-families and to see what they have experienced, if the experiences are like mine, what I can learn, how to do things differently, to vent, and to try to help other step parents by giving different ideas/opinions.

I think the old nursery rhyme is a good analogy to this forum sometimes:

Mary Mary quite "CONTRARY" how does your garden grow?! I think some come on here to try to "Show" others they are wrong and how to "think" in the "proper manner"...!! I think we just have to learn to listen to the people who have interesting and relevant ideas and ignore the rest. :)


 o
RE: ugh!

kkny...I havn't read anything from the regular step mom's here that would indicate that just because their sd may look a little like the mother, that they don't like them. So not really any need to keep on and on with it. We knew where you were going with that, and no one here seems to be that immature. So nice of you to think that we need to be taught these things, as we might all be so daft that we wouldn't realize that we may be doing all these things wrong and not even know it! Thank Gawd you and FD are here to point all this out to us and teach us all the error in our wicked step mother ways!!!!

Shannon, I agree...some probably do post here to "show" us where we are wrong lol. It just gets irritating reading the same thing from them. Too bad there isn't an option to ignore or block some posters, individually of course.


 o
RE: ugh!

I don't know why you are upset wild-thing, I thought I was offering you some good insight. why screaming at me? as about likenes, I sincerelly have never heard that girls more likely to look or behave like moms. I am not saying it is a bad or good thing, I just can't think of too many girls who take after their mothers unless we talking about genetic disorders or disabilities, which again could come from both parents. This is nothing to do with stepfamilies.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Stepfamily Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here